ouch

A few days ago I woke up with a sore spot on my upper back (around the shoulder blade) and I figured I just slept wrong.  It happens.  But it didn't go away (it happens) and now it has moved into my neck.  I almost feel like I have a bit of whip lash.. it's just so bizarre.  But I know that when I hurt one ankle and favor it, the other foot starts hurting from over use, so I'm sure there is a bit of that going on.  I have my moments, sometimes it hurts more then others.

Had a full weekend.  Went out with family, invited more family over to visit, then went to an even bigger family function.  So unlike me. it went surprisingly well, but it did eat up a great deal of the weekend.

I stopped in at JCP also.  I bought a pair of sapphire earrings and a new shirt.  I wasn't thrilled with the quality of some of the clothing.. but I was impressed with the prices and not all of the clothing was painfully thin.  I so wish I was at my ideal weight (or even weight stable) so I could buy a whole new pretty wardrobe.. (although I'm sure if I had to buy a whole new wardrobe I'd be pulling my hair out trying to find pieces that worked - I know full well that the fantasy and the reality have very little to do with one another)  In time.

I did buy a Groupon to have my arms worked on.  I really need to get off my duff and get that scheduled.  I think I'm ready and will start that pretty quickly.  If they can shave a few inches off my arms I'll fit into a lot nicer clothing which will make me feel a bit less like a freak.  I know we all have issues fitting into premade clothing, but my thighs and my arms make it very difficult on my waist and my chest.    I'd be a lot happier if I only had one of those issues, and I can deal with my hips.. :)   This is going to be the non surgical option..  Since my arms are 16 inches or so, I don't think a few inches is unreasonable..

Being thankful

I spend a lot of my day cursing what isn't.  It annoys me I can't have everything I want when I want it - especially since I'm not asking for diamond crusted jewels or limos or being able to jet off to tropical destinations when it snows.  I want pants that fit, thighs that shrink instead of grow, to sleep through the night and to wake up refreshed and ready to go - seriously, I don't think that is unreasonable.

But

Then I see people talk about dealing with cancer, the death of loved ones, being homeless, being disabled, and I have to stop and remember that while a lot of my life falls short of the awesome department, there is a lot to be thankful for..

and it sucks that I have to actually REMIND MYSELF OF THAT!  arrgh.  I wish my brain were designed just to be glad I have a warm bed to lay in when I'm awake and can't sleep after a night mare.  Or that I have happy healthy kitties when they are pounding on my bladder or pulling my hair..

So I stop... I breathe.. and I remember the 10 or so not so nice aspects of my day or life should not out shadow the rest.

My job is boring, but I have one, and my boss is awesome.  I've had really cruddy bosses in the past, so yea! for that one.
I'm so friggen tired all the time, but I do have energy to do what I NEED to do.  I can power through and get most of the to-do list done each day.  bigger projects can wait, and they do wait very nicely for me... and how great is it that.  the world isn't going to fall apart if I don't finish cleaning up my office..

I'm also thankful for the cute little ol men who are out and about in my community.  (although I'm sure they'd object to be called cute little ol men) who hold the door open for me or other people.  Who are out with their wives and are sweet to them - holding their coats to put on, etc.  I missed out on having grandparents, and I just love seeing old men and old couples (but for some reason old women aren't dear to my heart) out and about.

a dream

Now this was interesting.  I "woke up" in my dream.  I was sleeping in my car (that I own now) outside of the house I grew up in.  My husband was sleeping next to me.  There was frost on the windows.  I woke him up and told him it was time to go home, so we unreclined our seats and he started driving.  I lived on a dead end street, and he drove towards the woods, and made as if to drive into them (via the path that we used to explore the woods, that was no where near car sized) I said you can't go this way, and he got annoyed with me but turned the car around.  All of a sudden there were gorillas that we had to avoid, and a giant tree spirit of the tree that grew in the neighbor's yard (near our mailbox) that was laying around the street and in the yards cut to pieces (even though in RL the tree had been cut down years before.. )

I spoke to the tree spirit and apologized for it being cut down, and it let us pass, and we drove home. 

There was more to this, but I don't remember much else..

gorillas?? I love how my mind wanders when I'm sleeping.  I guess I'm just glad it isn't being mad at me any more and giving me nightmares.

Speaking of nightmares, I do remember that I had one a few days/week ago.. I remember waking up quite shaken.. but fortunately I don't remember what it was.

Well February is almost over.. It seemed to take a really long time this year.  Last year I thought it would be nice to take a trip in February to get away from the cold and to break up the dread of getting through the winter with out anything to look forward to.  But the weather hasn't been bad, and I just can't see traveling anywhere on my limited food choices - not that I really enjoy traveling.. but it might have been nice to do a little shopping and go somewhere warm and go swimming.. but it just didn't work out this year and it seems to have worked out OK.

I made a cake for DH yesterday, and I had a piece.  I was totally unimpressed with it (but everyone else raved about it) and I have decided to try to do with out sugar today.  Probably tomorrow too, but absolutely no sugar today.  My pear doesn't count..

Just noticed something

So I have been working in this office for over 5 years.  I have been cold the entire time.  Recently we hired another worker who is part time.  She is cold.  The manager and one of the sales associates (it is a small office) are warm people, so they kept the temp pretty low.  We hire another full time sales associate, call her a sales manager.  She's cold. Now all of a sudden the office is kept at a nice balmy temp and I haven't really felt the need to use my space heater in a while.

The "You are so insignificant" portion of my ego, the one that tells me I do not matter in society (and heck even if I don't I really don't care - but sometimes it is really inconvenient in my life when the whole world doesn't revolve around me) can't help but wonder if we are now keeping the place warm because SHE is here..

(yes, SHE.. I don't much like her as she is tall and thin.  Yes, she is nice and pleasant and sweet and all that, but I just can't get over the fact that she is tall and blond and thin and that bothers me  Yes, I know, that is judgmental of me, and I really shouldn't, but I can't help myself.   I do my best not to let it show, and since it really only bugs me when I am looking right at her (and not her face.. I can look at her face and be polite and kind), I do my best not to spend a great deal of time looking at her.  Maybe I should.  Maybe it would "desensitize" me to her thinness and her blondness and her tallness.. *sigh* I really am pathetic)

I really don't want this blog to be a place I just come and rant.  I'd like for it to be something and mean something, but I don't really have a focus on what.  Generally I mean it to be my journal, for me.  Something I could look back on if I chose to (I have real paper and pen journals that I almost never look back in.  I do from time to time when I find them when I am looking for something else - I might open to a random page and see what i was thinking) 

I generally don't feel I have much to say that the "general public" wants to hear.  I have often said I am not fit for human consumption. and I believe this to be true.  This blog is called "outside the norm" because that is how I feel when ever I try to have a conversation with a group of people... when I try to join a forum.. heck when I try to talk to my co-workers. even my own immediate family.  Sometimes even my husband doesn't really understand me.. (but then again who ever really understands someone else 100% of the time?)

I am perfectly content meandering through life, not causing any trouble, being a help when I can.. I have no great ambition in life other then not to be made to be belittled by someone else.  I am happy with my corner of the world and how I have set it up, the "decorations hung on the walls" if you will.  Granted there are times that I wish I would win the lottery - and there are times I randomly play - but mostly what I would do with the money is support the causes I support now.. just more of it.  I would probably quit work to be more active in the charities I believe in, but I don't see me buying a great big house and traveling (OK I'd probably have a fire place installed and some landscaping done.. and I'd probably hire someone to do housework since I hate that)

I am very thankful for what I do have, and that I am in the position that I am in that I can enjoy this.  While not rich, I am far from poor.  I have a job that I don't NEED TO HAVE (I've had those, those suck no matter what they are and how much you might like the job)

There is a lot about my life I would change if I had the proverbial three wishes.. I think about those a lot.  but they are pretty minor when you consider what other people might wish for.   I would like to weigh less then I do, I would like not to be as tired as I am all the time.  I'd like for my headaches to go away and not come back. 

But I'd also like a friend or two.  I'm quite the introvert, so getting out of my shell and sustaining a friendship is hard.  I often feel like I am doing the lion's share of the work to maintain them, so I usually let them fall away.

So this is just a random collection of my thoughts, and I guess I am OK with that. I don't expect anyone to show up and enjoy this blog.. but you are more then welcome to if you find it.

Heck, if you do enjoy it, I might like to meet you :)

wow

Can't believe it has been since last may since I have posted.  Seems like ever so long ago.  although reading those posts, I've got pretty much the same issues going on. and yes, it is frustrating me.  Even more so seeing it in print.

My new dr has me on HCG, and I love it and hate it at the same time.  I'm also seeing a therapist.. which the best description of what he does is energy work.  He "unblocks my flow".  It feels stupid, and it sounds stupid, but quite often I come out of there completely emotionally drained.  and I feel it is doing "something"

I got up as high as 237.  five of those pounds were the fat loading to start HCG.  I was up to 235 then went on a "cleanse" and got down to 229 - but that was because I was eating nothing and had diarrhea.  Once I started eating I went back up to 232.   At 232 she suggested I wait a little bit to start HCG, and so I took that to mean a couple of days.. and then the two days of fat loading.  so in that while I ate what ever I want.  I ordered a pizza, I ate the first doughnut I had in years. I wasn't obscene about it, but for two full days I had no food paranoia..

which I've had in spades up till then since I was told I had "food sensitives" and was told to get off 20 or so foods that i ate quite regularly.  Not quite sure I believe in all that, but I was willing to give it a go if it was going to help me feel better.  six months of that and I was getting sick and tired of eating the same few things over and over, but there was no room for deviation.. and frankly I felt a bit like a prisoner. 

now granted I'm not eating any better being on hcg, but I know it is very limited, and I am loosing weight which is a positive.  I mean you spend years jumping through hoop after hoop hoping for result and not finding any, it is enough to make anyone postal.

In all honesty, I don't see any difference in my life between then and now.  Probably a good thing I stopped blogging for a while. 

becareful what you ask for

so I got all annoyed with the half pounds, so as a present my scale rounded UP.. *grumble*

But I didn't get annoyed because I slept horribly.  Then just to mess with my head it went up another pound to 228 this morning.. *grumble grumble*  I exercised yesterday and had a very light dinner.. *grumble grumble* I feel like a three year old being punished for not playing the game right when I've never been told the rules.

I'm pissed.  I'm so tired and frustrated to be angry.  I just want to cry.

dr. appointment tomorrow.  I doubt that I'll get any answers, but maybe I'll get a new direction to try.

226.5

arrgh.

I'm miserable, tired, and can barely walk up the stairs with out getting winded.  This is getting freakingly annoying. 

So as I was making my morning smoothie, my husband asked me if I was going to have the buckwheat waffles we saw at the grocery store this past weekend.  I reminded him that I didn't buy it because I wasn't sure if I was allergic to buckwheat or not.  I got out my list at that point (because I did want to know) and I am.

at that point I looked at the ingredients of my raw protein powder and there were quite a few ingredients in it that are also on my list.  I hate wasting food, but at that point I had my husband throw it out, and I even through out the shake I had just made.  so wouldn't it be great if things cleared right up now?

My bad tooth is feeling better.  I can tell things are settled down and I'm just waiting for the pulp to stop being annoyed.   I'm glad because it too is very annoying.

225.5/226.5/227.5

Welcome to my life.

Every day at 5pm my energy goes out shopping or to Mars or something and I pretty much feel dead.  Some how I get my tushie home from work and I can barely get in the door and get my work things put down before I collapse on the bed for a little rest.  I'm very thankful my husband cooks dinner, so I can eat.  I then drag my butt out of bed and go down stairs and feed the foster kittens and take care of them.  I walk back up the stairs, now exhausted from the effort, and crash back on the bed.  I feel like I'm horribly neglecting my own cats and my husband... but he sees me trying to fix my life, so at least he understands.

Last night I thought I'd try to forgo the PM rest to see if it got me to sleep any faster, and it did by about an hour, but this morning I still barely made it out of bed, and I was still half an hour late to work.  *sigh*  and I was doing so much better on Monday, I thought I'd finally turned a corner.

I also woke up this morning to a white tongue that barely fit in my mouth.  the teeth grooves were very prominent.  not only that but those tooth issues I mentioned yesterday ballooned into full blown loose teeth.  It happens from time to time, and they settle eventually but since one of those teeth was the one that was last worked on and was a bitch to heal, i've got some tooth pain when I chew on things or clench my teeth.  (which means no chewing gum, which is killing me)

so grumpy, tired, swollen and with a bit of tooth discomfort I shuffled over to my scale.  Mostly nekkid I stepped on, and it fluctuated between 226.5 and 227.5 (oh how I hate those 0.5 lbs) before finally settling on the lower number.  Ok.. so I hate the scale.  I was curious what the other scale said, and it said 225.5.. so at least all the dried fruit I ended up eating yesterday wasn't a major issue.. (I brought too many apricots intending to keep some at work as a back up snack for those bad days, and apparently it was a bad day and I ate them all)

so now grumpy, tired, swollen and with some tooth discomfort I get to go down and deal with foster kittens that have diarrhea that isn't clearing up, who are needy and won't wean.  I forgot a syringe to medicate them, so back up the stairs, more time out of breath, back down the stairs, feed feed feed, medicate medicate medicate medicate, back up the stairs, crap it is the time I'm supposed to be AT work, and I still haven't had breakfast nor packed up lunch.. *sigh*  Fortunately I've precooked lunch and just need to put it in a bowl, but crap all the storage containers large enough for lunch are dirty.  Well there is two servings of rice in the larger rice bowl, so I took one out and stuck it in a small bowl and took my lunch in the bowl that the rice was stored in.. problem solved, I feel all smart and clever.. yea! cause frankly that is a first for a while. pack everything up (yogurt and berries for breakfast and the rest of the berries for a snack) and head off to work.. get there, put my lunch back on the shelf  where I always put it and 10 minutes later it falls off and my container of yogurt opens and half of it spills on the floor.  guess that is one way to lose weight hun?

*sigh*

I still feel like I'm going through some major "die off" while my body adjusts to life with out "allergens" I'm on day 10, when on earth is this going to end and I'm going to start feeling human again??

226.5 vs 224.5

what is it with these half pounds anyway??

so I'm grudgingly starting to admit that maybe just maybe there is something to this food "allergy" thing.  I don't get it, I don't like it (GIVE ME A GRILLED CHEESE DARN IT!!) but it is hard to complain when the scale is finally starting to go in the right direction.

Not sure why the old scale is so much lower then the new one.  It fluctuates so frequently, sometimes it is higher sometimes lower, sometimes right on... which is of course the reason I got the new scale.  But I weighed this morning, did some oil pulling because my teeth have been hurting a bit, and then went pee, and I thought hey, maybe I will have lost more weight, but nope, still 226.5 so I jumped on the old one.  Since that one was reading 225, the 224 was nice to see.

I still FEEL like I'm gaining.  I feel so bloated and itchy and crappy.  But hey, I've said it before that I often feel fat when I'm losing weight, so I'm just going to go with it.

I'm also having a hard time emotionally.  I feel like this is a ... parden the expression.. a bread and water diet, and I'm never going to be happy on it.  Right now I am being really restrictive and not allowing ANYTHING on the list (that I can help) I'm assuming that once I talk to the dr about it, I'll be able to start adding in a few things on the first tier of things to avoid and seeing how it effects my weight loss health.  (which of course will most likely show up as weight gain since except for the weight gain and fatigue, I didn't feel like I was having an allergic reaction)

Right now I'm reminding myself of that tooth paste commercial series, where one spouse says to the other, try this your breath will feel fresh through out what ever we are going to do, and the other says something along the lines of yea right.  But they cut to the end, and low and behold the breath is still fresh, and the one with the newly fresh breath extension says "I want to be mad, but it is hard when you look so cute" or something along those lines (I Tivo mostly, so I don't spend a lot of time watching commercials)  It is hard to remember to be mad at this diet when I'm seeing the scale actually going in the right direction.  (that and I'm eating full fat cultured milk products which are actually quite delicious.. )

organic

Ok, I also wanted to admit that I'm starting to see a distinct difference between organic and conventional products.  The beef broth I make with conventional bones does not gel at all, but those I make with organic ones (well I get them from Whole Foods, I'm assuming they are organic) gels up nicely.

So the only other change I've made to my diet other then removing the "allergens" is to try to go as organic as possible.  But I'm not watching my calories at all.

226.5

I was at 229 all weekend.  Very hard to not let it bug me since I was feeling absolutely MISERABLE all weekend.  Feverish, tired, worn out just walking up the stairs... I felt pretty pathetic.  Fortunately DH was on board with the shit I have to go through right now cause all I wanted was a grilled cheese sandwich, and he made me a grass fed burger (sans bun) with pepper and chopped broccoli.

I'm not completely convinced that the number I got today is legit.  I guess we'll find that out over the next few days.

on a bright note, I actually made it into work before 9AM.. (usually Im here by 9:30, and I should be here by 9)

also found out that Ann Curry is taking on the anchor of the Today show. *shudder*  I've said it before, she does great scripted, but she is NOT a live interview person in the least.  Guess I'm switching to GMA.  According to Twitter, I'm not the only one.  I hate to see what they are going to do when they realize that a lot of people can't stand her live interview skills and switch.    She's put in her time, and I am sure she really really wants it.. and she is great when it is pretaped.. But this so is NOT the job for her.

229.5

no change.  Not surprised.

I did have an excess of gas yesterday which I thought rather interesting.  I also had a hard time going to sleep, I felt wired like I usually do when I have too much protein and not enough carbs.  I usually have a piece of bread and I settle and go right to sleep.  but since bread is out, I just 'toughed it out' and eventually after some tossing I got to sleep.

This morning I could feel my colon being a little gassy, not sure what is going on.  So I took my probiotic and later ate my typical morning smoothie and had some oatmeal with coconut manna and cinnamon (it was quite yummy)

I have a massage this afternoon.  Hopefully with some feel good hormones running through me I'll be able to get right to sleep tonight and tomorrow the scale will give me a nice gift..

229.5

well that number was both surprisingly good and annoyingly frustrated, since that is the number I've been for weeks (since the last hurrah weekend before starting the food allergy diet)

So I went and stepped on the old scale.  That one used to say either 229.5 or 227.5 which is so bizarre.  But this time it read 226.5.  So maybe things are working ?? (as much as I want them to, a little part of me is screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOO.. cause it does not want to think about life with out bread and cheese)

I did screw up yesterday.  I found a package of health high fiber cheese puffs (no, really!) and I thought they would make a good afternoon snack, and they did.. but I forgot that the cheese part of cheese puffs involved cheese, one of the no no foods..   I was 3/4ths of the way through the package, so I just finished them.  *shrug*  no one is perfect right?

I also find myself in a bit of a quandary.  A friend of mine has a 10 yr old daughter who he wants to lose a little weight.  I found out about this because he talked to her about it while at my house.  It was not demeaning at all, probably just a little bit of reinforcement of the idea.  I don't think he's being unreasonable, she has a reward coming if she can lose x amount of weight.. I can't remember if it was 5 or 10 lbs and she has months to accomplish it.  But as someone who was 'talked to" about weight at nine, and was put on a diet, and was told "you can't possibly be hungry" and the memories I have of that time, I feel compelled to say something.  I haven't yet... mostly because I'm not sure how to go about it with out getting excessively personal.  While they were visiting she got on my mini trampoline and really enjoyed jumping on it, so I gave her a spare that a friend had given me because she bought it to use and then felt guilty because she wasn't.  I know how many calories you can burn on that thing vs other forms of exercise and since she loved it so much I couldn't help it.  He's out of state for several months now, so I won't see either one of them for a while, and I'm not quite sure that I should say something. 

I'm rambling.  it is sad that weight is such a hard topic to talk about with other people, ranks right up there with money and politics doesn't it?

detoxing?

I'm miserable.  I'm tired, cranky, and feel horribly bloated.  I also slept miserably last night and actually gained weight overnight.. fun fun

I was 232 when I went to bed (I know I shouldn't have jumped on the scale, but I was curious) and 232.5 when I woke up.  Now granted, I got maybe five hours of sleep, which explains a lot.  I tend to gain when I sleep miserably.  I also weighed after 40 minutes in a hot sauna, so there might have been a bit of dehydration in that.

I have no idea why I am at work today.  Guess I figured I'd be miserable here and get paid, instead of miserable at home and not (well I'd have to use a sick day)

I'm going to assume this is working if I get under 227, hopefully pretty quickly - hopefully by next week.

I think the part of this I hate the most is the no vanilla.  I went through all of my chocolate bars this morning, they all had vanilla in them :(  I know the amount is minimal and it probably won't matter, but I won't feel I'm doing this full throttle if I eat anything on the "so your allergic to it" list.  I tend to put vanilla in a lot of things.. I'm just glad it isn't cinnamon as well.

*sigh*

232 this morning, which is good.  but day one was very hard.  Day two is shaping up to be harder as breakfast didn't last nearly as long as I thought it would (based on yesterday)

that's ok, I'm not starving, I'm distracted.  I can deal.  So far other then bread (which is always hard for me to give up) I'm not craving any of the foods I shouldn't be eating.  For the most part most of those foods were easy to eat, a handful of almonds when I wanted a snack, a little cheese on my lunch or dinner for some flavor and fat.. I really hate it when my food is difficult (aka requires a lot of prep).  I am a child of packaged foods, and it frustrates me that I have to shy away from that.

I was also watching the news this morning (ok listening to it) and apparently half of my assumptions yesterday were wrong.  They went in there to kill not to capture.  according to the news people I listened to it wasn't even an option.  Just so sad.

Day one

I know it has been a while since I blogged.  My blog, my perogitive.

I've been seeing a new dr, and we have tried several new things, and no success.  My weight has just gone up and up.  I can not express to you how frustrating that is.  To do everything right and be 'rewarded" with a great big YOU SUCK on the scale.  My clothes no longer fit, and I'm fast approaching the size of clothing that I gave away a few years ago.  I'm down to three pairs of pants that are all very tight on me.  Two are shredding at the thigh, and the third is a black pair of jeans.  I don't mind wearing blue jeans over and over again, but I feel black stands out so people notice you are wearing the same thing.

I'm at the point where I want to have liposuction just to get rid of some of it, but I know that is not the answer.  I also am seriously considering HCG.  I've been doing a ton of reading on it, and I don't believe it is the solution for me long term, but if it gets me back into my clothes until I figure out what IS wrong with me, I'd be thrilled.

The last thing to have happen was to do allergy testing.  It finally came back, and I am "allergic" or sensitive to a majority of the foods I have been eating.  Casin (a protein in milk), wheat, gluten, almonds, peanuts are some of the biggies that came back as "bad" along with a few others I was surprised at and some I wasn't.  Swiss cheese came back as bad - which I am not shocked over in the least - but so did cheddar.  But yogurt was ok?? Whey proteins are fine, which is good because I eat a lot of those.

So, I've decided to give this 30 days.  having a 'time limit' on eliminating some of my favorite foods from my life is going to make this easier.  if I lose weight and my tongue stops being swollen, then I've got my answer don't I?  I really want this to work, (see above frustrations) but some part of me really does not want it to... cause if I have to eliminate bread and cheese from my diet, I am going to be so incredibly sad.  I suppose I don't really need to eliminate it all together, just when I want to lose weight and feel good hun?

up until this weekend I was 229.5  Since my elimination diet is going to have an affect on my husband, I let him pick the last two meals we would have with out restriction.  This morning 235 (or 234 depending since the scale wouldn't settle on one number)

I did get outside and garden this weekend.  Ok so I got outside and removed the weeds from my garden.  I can't express to you how much I hate to garden. I hate vine-ing weeds.  I hate slugs, I hate Japanese beetles, I hate spiders, and I HATE grubs that turn into Japanese beetles. I hate being out in the sun, I hate being bitten by biting ants when I disturb their nest, I hate sore muscles from kneeling, I hate sore muscles in my hands from pulling weeds that are so sore that I think my hands have gone numb.  I hate flying insects that buzz around my head as I'm trying to get things accomplished.  I HATE clover that is such a pain to pull out.  I hate trying to find new places for plants, and that when I dig a hole that it doesn't seem right.  I hate that I go through all of this work and the plants often don't grow at all, or die rather quickly once i get them into the ground.  I also really do not like using the word hate..

but I really love peonies.  and I love that they bloom at my house in time for my birthday - a week later then everyone else.  I'm also hoping to love asparagus.. that would be really nice.  I have some pumpkin seeds sprouting at work, and I'm going to put those in my garden in a couple of weeks.  I'm hoping to love pumpkins this fall.

the hate really outweighs the love.. tell me again why I do this?

So sad...

I woke up to the news that Osama Bin Ladin had been killed.  Not what I was sad about.  In the next breath the news anchors were sharing the "joy of the nation" about the fact that a man was dead.

Doesn't this just feed into the reasons why this man wanted us all dead?? I mean seriously, who takes JOY at the death of another individual, and what kind of country does.

I do believe that some people do deserve to be killed.  I believe that it isn't our individual right to decide that though.  As a believer in God I think that is in His hands.  (and I'd like to believe this was)

I hope against hope that the reason this man is dead is because he chose to be.  That when they invaded, he refused to give up, and there was no choice but to kill him or be killed.  I would like to think the men who invaded that compound did not go there with the express intention of killing him.  I would like to think that the alive part of "wanted dead or alive" was most important.  I'd like to think that our values dictate that and that they do not let the hatred over what he has done win.  Too many people let the hatred win... which is why OBL was such an angry guy and probably why Americans have such joy now.

I wish there would be a little more reflection of the fact that killing him should be a sad thing or at the very least a non joyous thing.  That it had to come to this.  And maybe, just maybe if they can't muster up sympathy for the death of a human being (no matter how evil) then maybe they could wonder about the martyr they have made out him.  Do you really think this is the end?  I fear this is just the beginning.  Especially when they hear of America's collective joy.

more dreams

I wonder if this has anything to do with the medications I'm taking (via my dr) or if I'm just in an active period. 

Yesterday I had some doozies, but I forgot all but one part of it before I could write them down.  There was one part though where I bought a multi stone ring.  All the stones were the same and were tension set in the band.  Before I knew it though, one of the stone fell out.  Why the others didn't, I don't know, but they were loose in the setting.  I couldn't help but think it was my brains way of trying to prepare for the death of one of my cats.

This morning there were two distinct dreams.  I was once again in the house I grew up in and in the living room.  I was dealing with a glucometer trying to figure out how to get it to work better.  I figured it out (but sadly don't remember what the procedure is now) and it involved a small cap at some point.

My father came in, and asked me what I was doing.  I explained, and he said he'd give it a shot.  I had him sit down and get comfy, and the first part was for him to cut off his hand (his left).  I gave him a knife, and he in turn handed me his hand.  I got the lancet device ready, and then poked his hand and got some blood.  I turned to get the glucometer and a test strip, but something was wrong.  I couldn't get all the parts back together again.  I was upset by the delay, but not so much that I had my father's hand.  I finally gathered up something to collect his blood with, and ended up handing his hand back to him.  At this point I realized that the wrist part was similar to a cheese danish. I told him to just put the ends together and they would heal right up.  I got up and went into the kitchen to try to find the part I needed.

While I was there, I noticed a container of cherry juice.  I realized that it wasn't blood I collected by the juice and at this point my father was no longer my father but some boy playing a trick on me.  I was so annoyed and frustrated that I went to my room.   What happened after that I don't know.


But then I found myself in a mall.  (new dream?) I walked around looking at the stores.  I now realize that while it was a mall, and there were stores, the stores were in the class rooms of my middle school. The school I went to 6-8th grades in was an open concept so the classrooms only had three walls.  these stores only had three walls.  Instead of large door openings like you see at most mall stores, there was no fourth wall at all.

I wandered and looked, and stopped at some odd little store. It had dogs, ribbons and "other things"  I watched as some little boy asked about the dog, and the shop keeper saying it was a special dog and there were others if he was interested.  Then a family came and looked at the ribbons.  Some of the kids wanted to buy their mom the biggest ribbon which was the brightest and also an odd shade of bright pale green. Maybe a limon color.  The other kids wanted to buy a smaller but prettier colored ribbon.  The ribbons were hung out very prodominately,  and they kept going back and forth.  Finally the limon colored one won out, and it was picked from the rack and the kids went away.

Then I realized the "other things" were zombies or vampires. Probably vampires. But they were "civil" vamps, trying to fit into society and not be blood thirsty savages.  They weren't having a great deal of success and the shop keeper was a little frazzled trying to keep them in line.  A customer came in and wanted the one that looked like Will Riker (from STNG) the shop keeper went among them to get the right one, when they finally attacked.  He went down, and the customer was still trying to get the right one.  (I have a feeling this came from my constant playing of Zombie Farm for the past few days)

another dream

This is starting to get odd.  *shrug*  oh well,

So this one started out (at least what I can first remember) as my being pregnant.  Then I had the baby.  No I didn't go into labor, I just had it.  It was a boy.  I was actually glad to raise him, thinking of how I would do it right.  I was trying to swaddle him, and finally succeeded.  I went into the next room while he slept, and promptly forgot all about him.  The next thing I remember in the dream is realizing I forgot him, and running in to check on him, and he was ok, but he was also a toddler at this point.  Just starting to walk on his own with out falling.  I watched him toddle off, and realized he was rather large for his age, and was about the size of my nephew who is almost six.

I woke up feeling surprise.  Generally baby dreams scare the living crap out of me - and almost always when I am in the dream I'm scared of being a mom, as I have vowed never to inflict myself on a child.  I do not have reasonable expectations of those around me, so I know full well I'd just disappoint a child... and not to mention you raise kids as you were raised because you fall back on what you know, and I REALLY don't want to do that to a child.

I think maybe because I have been doing a lot of thinking about why I don't like to cry in public.  I have come to believe it is because I am forcing my emotions on those around me.  It isn't like anyone can see someone crying and not do something about it.  I grew up being told not to cry, not allowed to share that emotion.  Ok, technically more then that, because I was told, if you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about!!  (rolls eyes) and I wondered what would happen to a child who was held and loved every time they cried. If they were taught it was OK to be upset and cry because it is a normal human emotion.

Even now when I cry at home, I feel the need to apologize.  My husband feels helpless when I cry.  I tried to hold it in at work when I heard my uncle died, and in the past when my cat died and I was greiving, and even now as my other cat is dying of cancer sometimes I get emotional, and I try to hold it in. 

not to mention that crying is just so gross.  You have tears to sop up, and mucus flowing out of your nose.  It isn't like laughing in that when you are done you don't need a bathroom.

and the reason Pap tests are so uncomfortable is because you are taught never to show your vagina in public, and here you are going against every single thing you were taught and displaying it in all it's glory in the most undignified way possible.

Now if I could just break those ingrained teachings of childhood  (well not that I want to go about displaying my vagina in public, but at least knowing that is most likely the root cause of my discomfort might make it easier)

dream

this one was interesting. I was watching Guiding Light.  It was different from the TV show, more of an interactive live show.  I stood from a far, and watched.  At one point Beth and some young Spanish boy moved off into a field and started to have a heated argument in Spanish..  After a few moments, I yelled out of my car window (because at this point I was in my car - which makes as much sense to you as it did to me at the time) that they should speak English, to which their reply was it was their argument they could do it how they wanted.

It was starting to rain, and I said to heck with it all. If they didn't  care to have people involved in  their craft, then I was leaving.I turned the car around and started driving away.  I realized it was getting heavier and heavier, and it was  pouring in the windows, so I decided that it would be best to abandon the car and swim up the road, which is what I did.  I avoided some people

there was a chair at some point, one of thoe fold up things.  I can't remember if I had it, or someone else did.

Then I ended up in the shallow end of a pool.  Something interesting happened here too, but I can't remember what now.

218.5

according to my exercise chart vs food intake that despite eating 45% fat, I burned 600 more calories then I took in. So that totally validates the two pound weight loss doesn't it?

Had my appointment this morning.  I have an official "your a mess" diagnosis, and supplements to taken. I have to go back tomorrow for nutritional counseling.  We'll see what happens, but at least she did say I did not have to go gluten free, which was huge.

Unfortunately it was an overly emotional day today, and while I half committed to stop eating refined carbs, my brain talked me into fully committing to eating them.  I've had cookies, and tasty cakes and rollos. I'm almost fearful to get on the scale tomorrow.

We'll see. at some point I'm going to have to buckle down, and commit.  I just know it wasn't today

221

well crap.  How did that happen.

Ok, I know full well how that happened, but it is still freaking annoying.  I'm seeing a new doctor who ran some new tests, and we decided to wait until after the holiday to get the results and make a plan.  She said her plan would most likely include gluten free, which I absolutely hate the idea of, but at this point I am willing to try anything, especially when I gained over ten pounds in two weeks.

After the appointment I didn't go crazy.  I just let myself eat what ever.  I did not over eat, and my weight was pretty steady.  Then I went on a cruise, and I didn't care what I ate.  There were desert bars with 7-9 different desserts, and I took one of what ever looked good, but I had a bite or two of each and ate half of which ever one was the best.  There was a TON of walking on the trip and I didn't exercise every day, but I did.  I made better food choices, but again did not stress over it all.

I came home from the vacation five pounds heavier.  I lost a pound or two after that.  But then the holiday, and I said frig it.  There were days I absolutely did over eat.  There were days when I was not hungry but I ate anyway.  I ate more refined carbs and sugar then I had probably the whole year.

I was 218 up until yesterday.  I got on the scale after lunch, and was 223. We went out to dinner, and I had a plain hamburger w/o a bun, half of the mash potatoes, half of a small muffin sized piece of corn bread, and a little bit of cherry cobbler.  This morning I am 221.

*sigh* I don't like that one little bit.

I do feel quite a bit of turmoil at this point, because my follow up appointment is tomorrow, so I don't feel comfortable making any plans because I have no idea what she is going to suggest I eat.  I don't feel comfortable buying stocks of pretty much anything.  I had one "expert" suggest eggs, another suggest no eggs.  I've been told contradictory messages about just about everything.

I so hope that she has a plan for me that makes sense, that I can live with, and that doesn't scare the living crap out of me.  I hope that the test results come back clear and plain that X is deficient and Y will fix that, and that in just a few weeks I'll be on the right path with clear obvious signs (aka weight loss or even more energy) that everything is working.

24 hours, I'll know.  Today I'm just scared.

interesting dream

Well this was interesting.

It started with (ok so I remember it starting with) a number of tigers, or at least very large cats that I should be fearful of.  One of my cats, (don't know which one) was bigger then it is IRL, and it was among the large cats, I went and snuggled with my cat, and was laying among the larger cats.  I was so overwhelmed and enjoyed being near them.  My cat rolled over wanting belly rubs, and so did the large cats.  I was considering doing it when the crowd started to talk about feeding the cats.  I knew it wouldn't be wise to be around during feeding time, so I got up and got out of the enclosure.  I was behind a wrought iron fence looking at the cats, and seeing people with cookie sheets with steaks on them.  The cookie sheets were through the fence, and people were pulling them out to put steaks on, then putting them back in.  I got one out ok, which was a bit odd because it went right through the fence, but I could not seem to get it back through.  A mysterious man on the wrong side of the fence came up and reached through and seemed to make the sheet slide right through the bars.  I thanked him and watched him walk into a store.  The stores were much like Newbury Street in Boston.  Shops upstairs and down stairs.  The man went into a basement type shop that was a cute little gift shop type store with flowers and french country style accessories, and seemed to leave something and walked away.  I was wondering what happened when the shop exploded in a very vivid and extreme explosion.  It was much like something you'd see on Mythbusters.  I remember seeing the wave of explosion out, and the fire ball grow.  I saw the flowers swirl in the "wind" and the smoke billow.  It was extremely vivid. Fortunately there were no people in the front of the store so I didn't see any of that, but it was extremely apparent that the store was full of people.  I decided that I could not help and I would just be in the way so I went back to the cruise ship that I was on.  As I boarded, I realized that a woman was grieving her daughter.  I offered my condolences and asked if there was anything I could do to help, she looked at me blankly, and I said "anything" she was still quite lost, so I suggested that maybe I  help her repack.  At that she looked horrified, so I amended repack to help clean things up and put things away, to which she accepted, and she hugged me and led me to her cabin.

Her cabin was HUGE, more like some odd shaped home.  We went in to an area where several kids were coloring.  They seemed to be at a kitchen table, and in the room off that people were watching TV.  We talked to the kids, and one of them told me that their sister died in that point blank way that kids have.  She walked me through the rooms. We went outside on the deck at one point, then came back in.  There was another kitchen type area because there was a fridge.  I looked in it, and it was much like a cobbled together closet that was cooled down.  On the right side there was the back side shelves that were on the outside of the "fridge"  I shut the door and looked at the shelves, and there were things in them like storage bags and plastic wrap.  I thought it was such an odd thing, and I realized I was falling behind, so I hurried to catch up.  The woman brought me to a pile of laundry and showed me how she dealt with it.  She had something like baby wipes she used for stains, and she pulled out a pair of panties that had rubber duckies on them that had menstrual blood on them. She talked about how "she" didn't like to deal with it, and how the wipes took care of it.  She thanked me and walked off, and I thought it how odd that someone would have a stranger take care of the laundry.  which is when I woke up

More on Oil Pulling

I got into the shower last night, and realized the bumps on my arms are almost completely gone.  I'm sure if someone else touched them, they probably wouldn't even feel them.  I've been pulling oil a little more frequently lately because my teeth have been bothering me again.  Fortunately the more I pull, the less they bother me.

I STILL don't understand why.  I can not fathom that it "pulls toxins" from my body. That to me just seems too bizarre for reason. I get that skin absorbs, but other then sweating, I've never seen it release anything. Even "cupping" just gets the body to work on things inside of it, and then flushing it out that way..

I've been reading more on tooth health.  I'm sick and tired of cavities.  I've been reading that I need to eat more meat and bone broth to get the minerals to help my body rebuild the teeth as they are eroded by every day wear.  It makes sense that the teeth should be capable or rebuilding and withstanding a life time of use.  I mean that is what they are there for.  So I'm working on that.  The other thought is that the minerals are in the saliva so that helps rebuild them.  You shouldn't use tooth paste with glycrin in it because it keeps the saliva off the teeth and thus they are less able to rebuild.

so if I'm swishing oil around in my mouth, it makes sense that more saliva is being swished around my teeth., thus helping my teeth.

as for the KP, I read that is a vitamin A deficiency.  Olive oil is rich in Vitamin A..

but why does it work better when I swish my A then when I eat it?  maybe the A is going directly through the mucus membranes of my mouth and thus better utilized since I don't have to process it in my gut?

do I really care why? are I not thrilled that it does work?

it's too bad it does though, because I am totally not a fan of doing it!!

219.5/216.5

so I've been hitting the sugar pretty frequently the past few days.  I've also been off my thyroid energy support supplement.  does one have to do with the other have to do with the third?? probably. but in which order???

I weighed 219 this morning, I went and I exercised for about 40 minutes and stretched for maybe another 10 (maybe 12 I watched 20 minutes of a program and sat on the floor for all of it)

I went upstairs and weighed, then got the 216.

So, I am swearing off the sugar.  I may want, I may crave, but I'm going to do what I can to stay away from it for three days (ARRGH, that falls in the christmas fair day.. crap.  Ok, two days)  If I lose weight, I'll atribute it to the sugar.  I've got some brain fog going on as well.. I'm doubting that is going to clear up with out the supplement.

My new dr's appointment is on Monday, so we'll see what happens after that.  They may have a whole new thing for me to try..

So this morning I had a smoothie.  Green tea, whey protein powder, greek yogurt, coconut oil,  a red banana and some pumpkin puree.  Lots of cinnamon to go with it, it wasn't half bad.  Smoothies with out high sugar fruits or some sort of sweetener have been rather gross.  at 10:30ish I had some soaked oatmeal with more cinnamon and cardamom.    Lunch now at 12:30, my ragout w/rice and roasted eggplant.and raw cheese.  I've got an orange to have as a snack, some lentil soup on the fridge if I get hungry later.

The more I read up on "real" nutrition, the more I'm scared to eat pretty much anything other then zucchini and coconut oil.  I'm sure if I keep reading, I'll find someone to tell me how evil those are as well.  I'm comfortable with the "cook it yourself stay away from packages" thoughts.   (I can't tell you how badly I want to put a crystal light type thing into my glass of water right now) only thing is I can't seem to stay away from the sweets, so the question becomes do I make sweet things for me to eat?? Seems so wrong to admit it and give into it, but eating poptarts I'm sure is way worse then eating a home made chocolate chip cookie..

I also had an interesting dream last night.  First I ended up damaging a leather key ring I've had forever.  In waking life, I had pulled it out from where it was and attached it to my new car key (used car but new to me) yesterday.  Interesting that I would damage it in my dream.  I also ended up having my period.  I haven't had one of those in YEARS.. I'm quite curious as to what the dream experts think of that one..

hum..
menstruation: symbolic of releasing tension and worry
  Losing blood may suggest you are losing energy because of inner conflicts or waking conflicts

hum.. the second one seems to make more sense since I was damaging my keyring out of nervous habit (like biting your nails)   Would be nice to release the worry going on my in my life.. but I don't see that going anywhere till at least the new year if not a little later.

dream

this one was interesting.

I was on an island.  I had found something I had wanted to keep and I showed it to my significant other (was it DH? I don't remember now, but it will be him later) He told me we couldn't, but I insisted, and he relented, but suggested there might be trouble.  Then there was a large ship on the ocean coming towards us.  SO told me that it was pay back for keeping the thing I wanted, that they were coming to get it and everything else.  So we had to hide all of the gold bars we were storing.  We broke up the stash and hide it all over the house.  SO hid some under the sheets of my unmade bed, which I thought was a stupid place to store them, so I put a few under the mattress (cause no one would look there right?) and some in a petty cash box and tried to hide that in the closet.  Which is when I realized I was in my child hood home which now was on this island, because I looked out the window to see the ship closing in.  I walked through the closet (which had two doors, one opened up into the living room - pretty clever when you think about it) and SO suggested that we might not want to be there when the ship showed up, so we hopped in his truck (which is when I realized that SO was DH since it was his current work truck) and we drove in town.  We had to stop for gas.  The station was automated, and we just sat there.  But there was no signal that we were done.   We got confused, and when someone pulled up behind us, DH being the "nice guy" that he is (quotes because he is to a fault)  decided to drive away.  I looked in the side mirror to realize that the pump was still in the gas tank, and I tried to get him to stop, but he wasn't listening to me, so finally i yelled at him, and he stopped just as the pump came loose from the truck and swung back towards the pumps.  I told him never mind and keep going.

so we drove on, and ended up at the staples plaza by the airport.  Only we didn't go to Staples, in fact staples wasn't even a store there.  We went in and looked for a new desk for DH.  They had some home office type of items, some cubical type items, even some old old abused and graffitied desks, that despite the abuse and graffiti were kind of interesting looking so I asked the price and they were several thousand dollars.  Then we came upon some painted and coiffed desks more suited to me then DH, and they were only 100$ but were kind of small.

Which is when I was awoken by my cats. 

Still 214.5 this morning.

I looked at my diet this morning and realized I need to get some more veggies in there.  not that I'm not eating the "recommended amount" but I think I should probably have 50% green stuff (or at least aim for that) and I'm maybe getting 20%.  It's hard because veggies don't keep well cooked, and cooking them at work isn't ideal.  I suppose I could do more broccoli.

214.5

Well now this is very VERY interesting.

I have made it a point to cook on Sunday.  I make a big ragout to last me most of the week, some cooked ground beef to add to other dishes, etc.  This week my food ran out on Thursday, but I was off on friday so I didn't need to pack a lunch, so I just went lazy.  And to top it off, I WANTED pizza on Saturday.

I didn't do too badly on Fri and most of Saturday.  I had two small pieces of a medium pizza and maybe that much more of cheezy bread sticks.  no where near ideal, I fully admit that, but considering what my cravings wanted before I started eating, not too bad either. 

and in response?  I gained 5 lbs.  I was 217.5 on Sunday morning.  Yup. five pounds for not even one pound worth of calories  - which when i think about it probably wasn't even over and above my caloric need for the day. (according to charts and weight and height etc, I should be able to eat - which for sedentary is 2097 calories per day to maintain) I didn't really keep track, so I could be off, but I rarely eat more then 1500-1800 calories when left to my own with out a cheat meal.  - looks like I ate 780 calories.. yup.  780=5lbs.. how nice.

Now I'm sure you think "well obviously this must be water weight" yea.. right.  If I am not obnoxiously careful about calories for the next two days after something like this happens, it stays put.

Even with not eating anything until lunch, then having a greek yogurt /w berries smoothie for lunch, and a very light and sensible dinner, this morning I weighed 214.5

*sigh*

Oddly enough I have to say, I did not enjoy the pizza (hence only having two pieces) which lends to my staying on my diet this upcoming weekend (ha ha ha - I have Christmas Fairs to go to, and Peanut Butter Fudge to stock up on) it would be nice if I could get through at least one weekend.  But I'm not stressing.  I have the new dr's appointment on Monday.  I have thanksgiving coming up, then the week after that a week long trip out of town.  THEN I should be able to be a little more strict with myself and not feel like I'm a complete and utter failure.

I'm still kinda hoping that the new dr will say "yes, you do have every single thyroid issue, here have thyroid medication" and it will fix me.  I hate the idea of popping a pill to fix a problem but heck if that is the problem, and that will fix it, I'm willing.

As a fun side experiment, I've stopped taking my thyroid energy support.  Two weeks of eating fat, butter, potatoes and what not, I wonder if I'll crash in a couple of days and have no energy to do ANYTHING once again.  Generally that is what happens when I stop taking it for what ever reason (run out, forget, etc)   It is hard to say if this refeeding experiement is helping if I'm still being propped up by supplements.  I did feel the need to take my SAM-E this morning though (along with some dark chocolate) so that aspect of my physical issues hasn't been taken care of yet.

I also find I am dreading this holiday season.  I wish I could say to hell with the diet thing, and shove all kinds of cookies, pies, fudge etc at myself, but I know full well that wouldn't make me feel better.  I guess this stems from all of the "don't eat X" I have been reading.and I'm afraid to eat a lot of things.  Reading labels yesterday at the grocery store I found myself putting back stuff I wanted to eat, because it had X ingredient.  I hate fearing food.

212

what the heck?? how did that happen?  Last night I weighed and got 217, I was SO sure that I was finally going to start gaining weight on this silly diet.. but nope, I'm down a pound.. *shrug*

that's ok.  I have to keep reminding myself this experiment is not about weight really it is about refeeding my body so it isn't nutritionally deprived - if in fact it was.  Giving it things it hasn't eaten in years is so yummy, but uber uber strange.  I mean potatoes? I get to .. no I should be eating potatoes?? aren't those one of those "white" foods?? and cheese?  freaky!

my egg pan was dirty this morning so I had oatmeal.  I"ve also been getting leg cramps at night, so I had a smoothie with a banana in it.  I should probably look up high potassium foods and see what else I should be cramming down my throat   eating.  So this morning, whey protein/banana/dark cherry smoothie with a serving of red food protein powder in for good measure.  The half cup oatmeal made with a cup of whole milk.  I was quite shocked when it turned up to be 1pm and I wasn't really hungry.  I have to leave the office to run a rather long errand, so I thought I'd have lunch, which is white and black rice (I had bits left over of both, so I made them both this week and they turned out purple, it is kinda fun) left over zucchini and TJ chicken breast, heated up with salsa on it and some yummy local full fat cheese.  If I am hungry later, I have roasted potatoes, and the last of my "ragu" and rice with more cheese.  Considering how the day is going, I'll probably have the potatoes and save the ragu for dinner.  We'll see.

sigh

it sucks that I hate this "diet" I'm on.  I mean what could possibly be better then all the cheese and sour cream you could want?

I'm jonsing for some fruit and peanut butter though.  Not to mention my sugar cravings are still there.

This weekend was a bad one for me, as there was a wake and a funeral to attend, then the obligatory food fest, and so I ate.  Then there were other things at home, which I also ate.  So I'm back up to 213, and my mid back on my right side hurts.  I sat in the sauna last night for a little over an hour, and I feel a bit better, but I'm still achy.  Am I achy because of the food I ate, or the food I ate the previous week, or because I slept wrong? who knows.  I guess if I get better over the next day or two then it was probably one of the later two.  If it gets worse, then it might be the former.

But I've committed to at least one more week of this.  If my weight goes back down, or I see improvement in my energy levels or other physical signs this is good, I'll keep going.  If not, I'm probably going to add fruit back in to my life.

I do have the referral to a new doctor to deal with as well, and what she recommends I eat..

day three is done

So I was cooking this morning for today's food, and DH was in the room.  I lamented that while I hated this "diet" for all the cooking I had to do, I did really enjoy throwing cheese on everything I was eating.

This is so counter to EVERYTHING I've ever read about diet.  animal fats = bad!!!! (yes, with all the !'s) so then why am I starting to fee a bit better?  I'm no where near saying this is anything yet other then a pain in my tushie (I don't mind cooking, but I hate cleaning, DH usually does that but he's been distracted and pretty much every bowl and pot are piled up in the kitchen waiting to be cleaned) and a lot of fun (did I mention the cheese and butter?) but the scale was actually nice to me this morning.  210.5  Again, I have been hovering at 210 for several months, and had the spike due to a road trip and a glut of TastyKakes, and halloween goodies.  But it is shocking to eat gobs of butter and a smattering of cheese and CORN of all things!! (I had my first taste of polenta last night.  I ended up toasting it with some butter (so technically it was probably frying)  in my toaster oven then putting cheese on it and pairing that with the left over bok choi stir fry from yesterday.  Corn is a carb.. corn = bad.. all that GMO stuff etc.

So, three days is no where near any place I can make a conclusion.  Am I feeling a tad bit better because I've been avoiding sugar? could be.  Weight? Could just be a normal flux.  But I do have to say they are encouraging signs to keep going.

I did make a huge pot of chicken soup last night.  I bought chicken thighs to do it (see previous post about yelling at DH) and ended up getting it made last night.  I forgot how much I HATE cooking chicken, and how I can NOT eat anything I make with it.  I was doing fine until I shredded the thighs, at which point I wanted to hurl.  DH came home several hours later and tasted it.  It was a little bland missing some of the herbs and spices (ok salt and pepper) so I threw some in and gave it a stir, and DH said it was much better and he'd love to eat it.  Which is good because it's got turnip and parsnip in it, and it will be nice to get some new veggies into him (he hates anything he's not used to)

Day Two down

Well avoiding the sugar was a little easier yesterday, but not by much.  So far today I've been called by left over candy corn and french truffles, the candy corn is not all that appealing, and I have coconut oil fudge to combat the truffle.

Had a huge "discussion" with DH.  He makes dinner for us, and I explained on Sunday it was just meat and green veggies.  We didn't have any meat in the fridge he could use (I have chicken thighs, but I"m going to make a soup out of them) so you'd have to go out and buy something or thaw the chicken breast we have in the storage freezer.  So Monday he decided to make the orange chicken, which does not fall under the no sugar no PUSFA rule which I explained to him ("but it is meat" lamented DH).  So Monday night I tried to be as crystal clear as possible, and made him repeat to me that he needed to either "thaw out the chicken breast we have in the freezer or buy something new"

So Tuesday I came home to his trying to cook my chicken thighs.  *sigh*

DH is sweet as all get out, but he absolutely positively can not learn to listen to every single solitary word I say, and for the past few years, these have been pretty much the only fights we've had.  When I've asked him to do something, and it goes in one ear and out the other, or he half listens to me (making me meat, but not plain or not from the freezer or something he bought)  I had such a frustrating day at work fending off sugar cravings that I wanted to hit him, and not in a good way.

I really don't know how to get him to understand things.  He has no idea how to get me to understand things.  What I don't get though is how he is functional out in the world.  He holds down a good job, and is well loved there.  So how come he can function there but can't listen to me?  I believe him when he says he loves me and he cares, because if I can get him to automate what I need from him, then it gets done.  Maybe that's it, maybe his work is 90% automation???   arrgh.

So after about 45 minutes of my trying to figure out how to talk to him so he'll listen, and asking  him to figure out a way (usually when I ask him to figure something out, he doesn't.  Don't know if he can't, or forgets) to remember things that I tell him are *IMPORTANT* (which I rarely do.  Most things are if you could, and if he doesn't in a reasonable amount of time, I simply make him a list)   He was asking that maybe I could email him and remind him, but honestly I do not want to treat him like he is five years old.  If he needs an email to remind him, then he can email himself.  he's 41 years old..  *sigh*  but I do love and appreciate most of him..  and if this is my biggest complaint, I should just shut the hell up right?  (hey, no reason I can't work for perfection, just so long as I don't expect it and get unreasonable about it right?

so yesterday I was getting hungry before I left work, and I had run out of food.  Today I decided to add a kefir smoothie to my morning.  But with out fruit, it was down right pathetic.  I put a little heavy whipping cream in there for some extra fat hoping that would compensate for the lack of fruit, along with some cinnamon and cardamom.    Yup, as expected it was not yummy.  I do not like yogurt and yogurt like products with out fruit or sugar.  but I was able to drink it.  I had the two eggs with onions and peppers and spinach cooked in bacon fat and some cheese.  With some soaked oatmeal (with goji berries, they were already a part of the oatmeal) for a mid morning snack - well ok at 11am.  It's now 1:20 and I'm jonsing for food again.  actually I started wanting something right after the oatmeal.  Full and scrounging.  I avoided the sugarless gum for about half an hour but my mouth said "SOMETHING NEW!!" so I gave in.  I'm hoping I can train my body to only want to chew or taste something at meal times, which I think would be HUGE.  If nothing else came of this, I'd be thrilled.

212.5 again this morning (older scale said 211.5 but that thing is unreliable)   But again, this is not a weight loss diet.. just keeping track.

Lunch is the remainder of the ragu I made (beef w/ fat, tomato sauce, pumpkin, Kale, onions, peppers garlic) and brown rice and cheese.  Yesterday I had the same, and I split it over two meals because I was full in the first one and I ate early enough that I had a feeling I'd want more before I left work, which I did, and still I wanted more.

Yesterday for dinner I ended up having half a bunch of bok choi cooked with onions/peppers/garlic and some braggs amino acids and some cheese.  Put it over lentils - and I didn't like the lentils at all.  They were precooked from Trader Joe.  I liked the other package I got from them (different type) but not this one.  I also got some precooked chicken breast from TJ which was surprisingly good and tasty.  Ingredients were very simple and it was unflavored, so I went for it.

Tonight I'm going to attempt to make soup with those chicken thighs.. I've made soup in the past and it comes out horridly bland.  Will need to stop at the grocery store tonight and will need to look up a recipe this afternoon.

Day one

Ok, so day one was a "fail" - although that is a pretty strict term isn't it.  Lets just call it a rough start.

I ate a few things on my own that were in the "lets not" category, and when I got home, DH hadn't listened to me and wanted to make orange chicken for dinner... covered with a sugary orange sauce and breaded.. *sigh*  and in not listening to me, he hadn't picked up anything more appropriate nor had he thawed out any chicken we had in the freezer.  So I decided to not stress over it and eat the orange chicken (since I already planned to finish off the pumpkin tart we bought last week so I didn't shove it down my gullet on Sunday)

So probably no where near the 90% day I planned on, but hey, starting a new eating plan is almost never easy (unless you are doing the see-food diet)

Today is rife with temptations too.  I went and voted and there was a bake sale with whoopie pies (yes, I bought) and a co-worker went and voted and picked up goodies for the office, and those darn french truffles are still here.

And it is very annoying when I get the urge to eat something to have to constantly ask myself "are you hungry".  Most of the time the answer is no... my mouth just wants something different tasting, because that is what it is used to.

Weight this morning was 212.5.  This isn't a weight loss diet - although I'd be thrilled if I did.  This is a restore my body so it will be well nourished and will work properly diet.  and hopefully that working properly thing will include shedding unnecessary weight..   I am prepared to start gaining since I'm not restricting my calories, and I'm eating when ever I'm hungry (and lots of fats - way more then I've been used to)   It will be a fair trade if I start feeling human again.

day one fail

Yes, I am an all or nothing kind of girl.  But at least I can accept the fail and move on.

SO far I've already had two (small) pieces of chocolate.  One was a french truffle (OMG YUM!! I know what I want for Christmas) the other was a bit off a dark chocolate bar (High cocoa % so technically very little sugar in it, but yet there is still sugar)

all I can think of today is that story about the jar full of rocks.  You know the one where the professor brings a jar into a class and fills it up with really big rocks and asks the kids if the jar is full.  They all say yes, and he then puts in some smaller rocks, asks again, they say yes again, he puts in some pebbles, asks again yes again, and he pours in sand, ask/yes, then pours in water.

I'm full.  My stomach is saying, "we're good!, no need to send down anything else" the mouth is screaming for something else though.  I'm trying to stay away from sugarless gum and what not, hoping in a few days this constant need to nosh regardless of what my stomach is saying will go away.

Does my white tea count though?  Should I have saved this for a meal?  *shrug*

trying something new

as you can tell, I'm trying something new (how can you tell? I'm posting on my blog.. lol)

So I'm still gaining weight (sorta - I've been 210 for quite some time, and currently due to some Halloween snacking I was 213 the other day) I'm still tired as all get out, and I'm still exercising every day 40 minutes almost every day, and eating under 2000 calories.  I plan 1200-1400 calorie meal plan, and I end up having a bite of this or a bit of that.  According to the "experts" I should be 150 by now.. and I'm not.

I should have energy and feel good, but I don't.  (and yes, my thyroid is fine according to the multitude of blood work)

I went and had my annual on Friday.  I talked to my dr about it and showed her the "thyroid support" supplement I'm taking that helps me get through my day.  She recommended I go see someone else, so I'm waiting for a referal.

She looked up the info from the last specialist she sent me to.  I didn't like him at all.  All he had for me was surgery - which does not make any sense at all since I did lose the weight in the first place.  There has got to be a dysfunction going on somewhere, and it absolutely is not that I'm eating too much, and I am NOT a fan of having part of my body removed not knowing that this is where the dysfunction is.  I had my hormone levels checked, and my testosterone was very low (but just barely on the "normal" side of things) and I asked about supplementing it, and he said no, I didn't want that cause I'd turn into a guy (ok so that isn't what he said, he said I'd lose my hair and grow facial hair etc, side effect issues) well the report he sent my doctor said he wouldn't recommend high dose testosterone supplementation.  I didn't ask for high dose supplementation, I simply asked about supplementing it!!  arrgh.  What an old friggen fart! (and yes, he was old, and he was friggen annoying on more then one level)

so anyway.. what is a extremely tired and cold girl to do now that the heat wave that was this summer is over?  I've started reading several blogs about alternative nutrition (for lack of a better term) these blogs believe in soaking grains before eating them to (forgive me for bad paraphrasing) get rid of the anti-nutrients, as well as believe in eating all those things demonized by weight loss "gurus" such as full fat unpasturized milk, raw cheese, meats, fats, lard, bone broth (ok maybe not so much that one being demonized, but I've not heard it recommended as part of a healthy diet before) and organs.

So there are a few things I refuse to eat, and organs are one of them.  I am not a fan of eating meat in general, but once it is all processed I can do it.  So for the "I've tried everything else, what the hell" factor, I'm trying this new thing, eat anything you want save for polyunsaturated fats (vegetable oils) and fructose (fruit and most sweetened things) when ever you are hungry.  The thought is that my body is starving for nutrients I haven't been giving it - which makes sense, as I said, I'm not a huge meat eater, I often have to remind myself to eat healthy fats and the such.

The kicker is that PUSFA is in almost everything premade.  So cooking is going to be an integral part of this little experiment.  I'm not a fan of cooking, mostly because I do not clean, and DH is pretty lazy about it, so having enough dishes to cook on and counter space to cook with is at a premium.  But I figure if I cook once every couple of days, it shouldn't be so bad.  In that vain, last night I made a ragu with beef, onions, peppers, garlic, pumpkin puree and kale.  I made it a while back and it was yummo.  I'm going to eat it with some brown rice (I'm going to try eating the ragu warm and the rice cold to take advantage of resistance starch)   Breakfast consisted of two eggs scrambled with some heavy cream, some onions and peppers and spinach with some full fat aged cheddar cheese.  I wasn't hungry when I made it so I packed it up and brought it to work - which wasn't the best idea.  Eggs need to be eaten hot... so I'm not sure how often I'll be eating that.

I brought some oatmeal w/coconut oil cinnamon and cardamon and macadamia nuts for a possible afternoon snack (or possibly a morning snack but since it is now almost 11 AM, it isn't looking like I'm going to eat it now) and I did make some coconut oil fudge, which was not all that good.  I made it with peanutbutter last time, but since that contains PUSFA, I made chocolate this time.  Trying not to include too much sugar, cocoa and oil does not make a good snack.  I threw in a little maple syrup which helped.

I need to remind myself this isn't about eating yummy, but eating healthy in a yummy way.

To which end, I baked some bacon (for DH, as I am not a fan of real bacon myself) and use the drippings to roast some brussels sprouts which were really good, and some baby potatoes which also showed up in today's lunch as yet another possible snack - since I am supposed to eat when ever I am hungry.

Only problem with this scenario, is that my body often SCREAMS for sugary stuff despite being full.  Last night I was quite full, but I was able to shove down four cinnamon buns (cause they were "halloweened" by changing the frosting from white to orange.. yes I'm a sucker for marketing)   I am hoping that by feeding it whole and wholesome foods that the screaming for sugar will subside - ok I'm hoping it will stop by I am not delusional.  I'm hoping the "fudge" i have will ease that if it gets too strong.

The other part of this experiment is to stop exercising.  The point of this is to give my body a rest from all the stress of not getting enough nutrients and exercising so much.  (I personally don't think I've been exercising 'too much', but exercising is stress on the body, and the ideal is complete bed rest while doing this, so I'm all for not getting up an hour earlier each morning)

Seems so counter intuitive, but hey, not eating sugar and refined carbs (even if they were low fat and low calorie) has got to do my body good.

If I lose weight, I'll be shocked.  If I maintain, I'll be surprised.  If I feel better, I'll be so glad.

I'm not expecting anything but to eat good healthy food and gain weight.  as I said, we'll see.

(I'm weighing tomorrow, and we'll see how this goes.  It should be a month, but I've definitely committed to a week, mostly because eating unprocessed foods can be so incredibly time consuming and space consuming.  Keeping all this food fresh and available is not going to be easy)

Avatar the movie

Well I finally did it.  I broke down and watched Avatar.  I have to say, I hated it even more then I suspected I would.

Granted, it was a beautifully shot flick.  On my non premium flat screen HiDef TV and plain ol DVD player, I could easily see where several things were CGI'd but on the whole it was quite beautiful.

But there was many a spot where I found myself thinking, he did this simply because he could do this.  Made me think of the classic line of Jurassic Park "just because you could do it, doesn't mean you should" several scenes were just way too long, and had I been by myself instead of watching with my hubby, I would have forwarded the living daylights out of the film.

I liked the love story.  The assimilation into the tribe.  I like the research people and what they were trying to accomplish.  I couldn't help but wonder how on earth the clones already had braided hair, and several other little things (like when they "mated for life" what on earth he was thinking, cause how is he supposed to live like that and who was going to pay for him to continue to be beamed into his avatar!!)

But what made me hate (and yes, hate in the true sense of the word) was how the mining company was portrayed.  What human being in the world is going to eradicate a sentient race.  Move, yes, I can see that, didn't much like it, but I could see it.  But when they started amassing an army and other clans came to the aid and started a war, at that point why did almost no one say "um, wait a minute"

Now granted, we have many a culture that believes in genocide, but for the most part they are not ex US military (which is what these guys were implied to be) and most of the human race will not stand for genocide when it does occur. 

Could this movie have been redeemed and still kept the great fight sequence that I'm sure they put in there to lure in the younger male crowd?  probably not.  It is a shame that such a great opportunity for many life lessons to be told in a epic movie type of way was such a horrible mess.

I'm sorry I wasted my time on it.

Acupuncture for weight loss

Been a long time since I talked about my weight.  Mostly because no matter what I do it goes up.  I also get frustrated with that and eat more.. I went to the dr about it, I bought a arm band device that measured my calorie burn and kept track of every calorie I ate (300-500 calorie deficit every friggen day) I had my blood drawn more times then I care to remember (of course more then once is more then I care to remember but still) and everything came back "normal".  But yet over the course of three years I've put on 30lbs.  I have clothes I can't wear any more.  It kills me.  it actually kills a little piece of my soul every time I get on the scale or try to put on an article of clothing I used to fit into.

I swear, I am trying (ok not recently, but up until recently (and by recently I mean a few weeks before acupuncture)) eating right, eating my fruits and veggies and whole grains, lean proteins, etc.  Exercising at LEAST 40 minutes a day.. every damn day.. it is not right.

The weight came on in clumps.  You know that night you go out and have pizza and the next morning you put on three pounds.  YOU know it is just water weight and it will disappear, well mine wouldn't.  If I wasn't exacting with my diet pop came the pounds.  Getting them off was a lesson in how NOT to diet.  I'd have to cut back to barely 1200 calories and exercise like a crazy person.  I knew it wasn't right nor was it healthy.  There has GOT to be a reason why this weight is holding on to me like a child to it's mother in a flood.  I was getting to the point where I was going to go and insist my dr put me on thyroid medication... i'm still not 100% sure I'm not going to do that, but a few weeks ago I saw a news segment about acupuncture for weight loss.

Since I've seen what acupuncture can do (a friend goes regularly, and I see a vet who does it and I've seen results on pets first hand) I thought I'd give it a shot.  Worst that could happen would be I would have one more thing I tried that didn't work.

First day was a bit of a disappointment.  K was kind enough to squeeze me in first thing in the morning, but then scheduled herself to be at an appointment 3/4 way through what the first session should have been (I was told the first appointment was 2 hours and it was barely an hour and a half)  I was surprised at how little I felt the needles (except the one in my wrist which caused my fingers to go numb, and when I tried to restore blood by moving my hand hurt like crazy) She also did cupping on my back that left HUGE red marks down either side of my spine.  She told me I would feel emotional, but I really didn't.  I left the first appointment with a huge craving for steak and for eggs.  I had eggs for dinner, and steak the next.  But my sugar cravings were through the roof.  I couldn't stop myself from walking to the kitchen to get *something*  I was eating the dregs of the kitchen.  I even ended up buying Twinkies (although they were the strawberry flavored ones and I was quite curious how they would taste - I tried the banana ones back when they were released) which is a HUGE sign my cravings are out of control because I don't much like Twinkies (which is so odd, as they seem to have everything that I like in other sweets.. but still)

Second visit, I explained I didn't feel much different save for the steak, eggs, sugar cravings and some pretty long lasting constipation (oh such a fun topic!  I don't mind talking about it, but I feel that who ever I am talking about it to really doesn't want to hear it and over coming that is kind of difficult)  So the second time she was a little more "aggressive" in the digestive tract.  She did the cupping again, and a few days later when I had the courage to look at my back I was clear.  Looking at two long hickey marks on your back is a little disconcerting, and a bit of a concern when dressing to make sure they don't show as I so did not want to explain it :D

Well this one hit home.  I felt like my digestive tract was moving pebbles from my stomach on down for two days (and oddly enough a little today - six days later)  the sugar cravings were a bit more manageable and I felt myself wanting healthy options for dinner - when usually I have to talk myself into them.  When you boil it all down, I felt horribly STUCK before this, and I think I can feel myself slowly working myself out of it.  I'm not amused at the cost, but if it gets me moving (in so many different areas in my life) it will be worth it.  I've also been pretty emotional this week.  I've been feeling a huge sense of loss.  Not so much grieving, but just that ache of loss.

I am not expecting miracles, and I'm not getting any, because despite feeling better this week by a few degrees, the scale went up two more pounds.  I though I would change up my exercise yesterday and walked on my treadmill instead of rebounding.  I started rebounding a few years ago, because my arm band told me it burned way more calories and I was way less taxed by it but I do believe the body needs to be taxed with new exercises every once in a while.  So I walked for 45 minutes and pulled a muscle in my leg.  Not quite sure how it happened as I only really noticed it when I got off.

I was afraid it would impede my work out this morning, but I did get it in (rebounding as walking did hurt) but I got through it.  Not vigorous, but adequate.

Now I'm at work, biding my time.  I so do not want to be here.  *sigh*  Not that I don't like my job, just some days it is so hard to sit in the cold office when it is such a nice warm day (and I am so drawn to the heat)   I've been putting off going to get the mail until the mid day so I'd get the most of the heat and sunshine, which is about now..

On a side note, I was having an emotional morning.  So I grabbed my Llama (I own a stuffed llama that is about the size of a beanie baby that is very cute and makes me smile) and off to work I went.  My convertible top was down, so I just threw my work stuff on the passenger seat and off I went.  While I was driving, I looked over and Llama was on the seat facing forward, sitting upright, wind blowing through the fur.  It was just the cutest thing and so adorable I couldn't help but laugh out loud.  I so wished I had a camera at the time.

Dream of my HSBF

I knew a girl in high school.  She was my maid of honor, but I wasn't even in her wedding party when she got married just a few years after.  Our friendship went just down hill from there mostly because she didn't even tell me that I wasn't going to be in the wedding, but made me ask.  I've seen her randomly over the years since then but surprisingly I've seen her sister more (who I actually also liked very much)

The other day randomly her thank you note for the wedding gift I gave her appeared out of nowhere.  It was just one of those things.  We moved a desk, and I am sure it was in there and then it probably fell out and under the couch, and then a cat probably pulled it out, but it was just so odd.

Now my dream last night was she was divorced,  and all too quickly she was remarrying someone else. It didn't feel like the marriage had anything to do with the divorce, but it was very quick, and had the feelings of someone throwing a quickie wedding.  I was there the night before the wedding, talking to her, and talking about arrangements, and caring for the cat (for some reason I put a second can of cat food down on the cat's food.. such an odd thing, as she was never a pet person) but once again I was not part of this wedding, and once again I had to ask.  I woke up before I responded to the slight, but it irritated me

I am sad our friendship didn't last, but I believe part of it was her upbringing.  She, like my mother, was a firm believer in "success" and boyfriends that weren't on the "fast track" were tossed aside even if they were good guys.  Unfortunately I really don't know her current husband, but from the random google searches I've done on her, she's gotten a few papers published and is some what of a known person in her field.  I'm sure if I hadn't left college to get married and published she would have made more of an effort to stay in touch with me, but then again would that have been me, or just another contact?  Yes, I'm cynical. but I think I've earned that with what I've put up with in the past.

another GL dream

not sure why I'm doing this.. but I had another dream about GL. I am not sure if I was in the show, or driving by the set. But there were shots, and a huge explosion. I knew this was the finale and I wanted to remember everything..

and of course I remember that the dream was much more involved then this, but this is what the daylight has reduced it to.