Keto failed - move happening

So I gave keto a really good try. I lost a few pounds right away - as you do with every diet you try - but then nothing. Going keto is hard when you are already mineral depleted, which I totally believe I am, so I was taking handfuls of magnesium and potassium to get through the day. Not that I have a huge problem with that, but since I wasn't getting results and I went weeks at the same weight (just wait it out, you'll have a flush, you'll see! it's just water holding the place of fat, it will totally leave after a few more days) and I was once again dreading what to eat, I decided to give it up.  I'm beyond frustrated with my weight, my lipedema, and the lack of support I am getting in this area.

but most of that is on hold. In April/Mayish husband was given a promotion that meant more money and most likely fewer hours but it means we have to move out of state. We have been looking from than to just recently when we found a house that we both like. Actually, we found two. One was over our budget, so we put in a low offer and they said no. So we went with the other. I am now regretting that decision, but I know I'd most likely regret going with the other house too, because I'm just weird.

So now we are in the dickering stage, where we find things wrong with the house and ask them to fix it. I hate this stage. I'm also trying to pack, which is a bitch. I am not a fan of throwing perfectly good things out, but I do not want to move a whole bunch of stuff. So I'm trying to donate a lot, but I know much of it isn't really donatable.  Part of me loves throwing things out so we have more space and I've fallen in love with the idea of getting new stuff once we are there, but the idea is harsh in reality because you have to spend a lot of money to get new stuff.

The other part of me is having a really hard time getting rid of things. Part of it is my heritage I know. My grandmother was somewhat of a hoarder, according to my mother, and my mother was a throw everything out you don't need it, just get rid of it all, kind of person. She would constantly throw my stuff out because I was a teenager and kept things on the floor and she could not stand that.

But also..

I deal with depression. I always have. My brain becomes chemically unbalanced I find no joy in life and I see no point in living. I see no point in dying either, because I know full well that my death will bring pain to others far greater than I am going through, but there have been times in my past when I seriously contemplated it, and yes, I started giving away my things.... (or had them thrown out by my mother proving to me that my stuff was worthless to her, as was I) so letting things go remind me strongly of those days and it is hard to fight the idea that I'm choosing to do this for reasons that have nothing with my preparing to die. it is just a vicious spiral.

One thing keeping me here is my cat. Not my husband, not my family. My cat. I can't face the idea of what would happen to him without me. Why it is okay for me to end my life early (again, not that I'm contemplating it outright, but I know that throwing things out activates that part of my brain so I need to give it something to hold on to - which right now is the cat) but not his. Depression ethics are weird.

So I hold on to that, and the fact that once I move I know things will be so much better for me than they are right now. Well, eventually. Well, at least I hope so.

thinking of going keto

Well, I have been living with the diagnosis of lipedema for a while now. I've settled into my 'new normal' weight of *who the heck knows because I'm not getting on a scale but I've stopped getting bigger*

Hanging around with other women with lipedema online, there is one overriding theme, drive, desire - to lose weight.

I get it. Few of us fit into 'normal' and we would like to at least be in the same zip code of it and the only way to do that is to be smaller. Being larger sucks. Sitting in airplane seats is horrific. Going to offices that buy chairs that have arms.. not being able to buy decent clothes because manufacturers and department stores *I'm looking at you Kohl's* have decided that they only need to carry 1/4th (or less) the number of items of clothing for 'plus' women that they do for 'normal' women (man I hate those terms)

I lost weight a few years ago. Did it with Nutrisystem and I ruined my health doing it. I am starting to get back most of what I lost, but I still have a way to go. I am afraid of dieting in that I'm afraid that restricting my intake in any way will set me back.

Keto is changing from a carb based diet to a fat based one: cheese, cream, eggs, avocados, fatty meats, low glycemic vegetables (not roots).

It sounds so enticing because I like most of that stuff (well avocados and I have a weird relationship, same with eggs) I still haven't really figured out what I would have for breakfast. I've been having cream cheese on a slice of provolone and that seems to work for my sensibilities and my time management issues, but I enjoy my banana smoothie made with whole raw milk - but bananas are out.

So right now I'm focusing on becoming fat adapted - eating more fat and fewer carbs. Husband is going out of town in a couple of weeks and I think I'll try keto for a few days then and see how it goes.

as I slowly change over, I find I don't miss a lot of the carb foods I was eating. I went to a fundraiser this past weekend with lots of chocolate, and while it was nice to eat, I didn't stuff myself silly, and I found it very easy to pass up things that weren't jaw-droppingly delicious.

I am facing giving up a well-made jasmine rice, which makes me sad. I could eat that stuff plain. I'm also loving pizza crust.. both just make me happy because I enjoy the taste of them.

I've had to stop taking Mucinex because it was giving me heart palpitations.

I have found a surgeon who should do liposuction on me, but right now it is a waiting game as we go through the process of referral and scheduling.  It would be so nice if I could get that done by this summer, but I'm not holding my breath.

so. it's official, I have lipedema..

About three weeks ago I finally got into a place that took some measurements and looked at me and pronounced, "I guess you could have it" *headdesk*   I was thoroughly confused and totally wishing for a more definitive "yes"  I was then set up for six appointments of MLD (manual lymph drainage massage) and sadly nothing more was really explained to me.  I was told I could buy the book (the one put out by dr. herbist) which has been out for a while but they haven't bothered to fully read. I was told I could buy leggings with 10%+ lycra for compression, and a dry brush.. if I wanted.. whatever..

talk about underwhelming.

If there was anywhere else to go, I would so be there.

MLD was underwhelming. It was nice, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't like I lost 50lbs and gained all kinds of energy.  after five sessions I lost a centimeter in most places they measure.  Considering this is the first loss I've had in over three years.. to me this is something.

I've been left alone for a week to see how I do on my own. I'm not amused. Not sure what I expect, but this lack of enthusiasm is underwhelming.

I did have one of my lower legs wrapped to see if they could drive out more fluid.. not really... and boy was it a pain.  Most of my issue is in my upper limbs, though, so it would be nice if there was something for that.

I bought some compression garments for my upper arms a few years ago when i was trying out laser fat loss (which was a big fat waste of time) so I've been wearing those.


Surprisingly, I haven't really told anyone. A few friends and my boss who needs to know why I'm not at work when I am having my MLD (because of course there is nowhere close to me and nowhere that does it 'after hours') and that's it.  Before the diagnosis I thought I would shout it from the rooftops, "look at me, there is a reason I'm like this, and it is NOT because I'm lazy and overeat!!"  But now that the diagnosis is here, I'm annoyed that I feel the need to justify why I'm overweight. If I am overweight because I eat too much or because I have a medical issue, it should not matter. I shouldn't be marginalized by society because I take up more room than most people.

I'm sure I'll get around to talking about it. this post is my first step in that journey.. but right now I'm choosing not to.. mostly because i do not want to sit around answering questions.. I don't have nearly enough people energy for that at the moment.. #introvertmuch?

I am so freakin tired

It's been almost two months since my last post and I've given up on the 'new' doctor and am trying to get into somewhere else.  A woman I work with loves her doctor so I gave her a call this morning only to find she isn't accepting patients.

I had an emotional breakdown on the phone.  I felt horrid for it, but the poor woman who had the misfortune to answer the phone was very kind.  I did my best to explain why I was sobbing on the phone with her, and she felt bad for me and sounded like she wanted to help me. If she is half as helpful as she sounded when I was sobbing on her virtual shoulder, then I will have hope..


but right now, I've got nothing.

After the call I just gave up and went back to bed and sobbed like a fool for ten minutes. I finally was able to pull myself together and get back to the process of going to work.. but all day I've been on the verge of tears and seriously I just want to scream.

I seriously don't care how things progress at this point, I just want some progress.  I want to talk to someone who knows something and who is willing to listen to me. I want to get beyond "I've never heard of that" SO FREAKIN LEARN!!!

the reason I'm calling a new dr is because I forced the issue with the old one, and finally they said they referred me to an endocrinologist.  I waited and waited for the referral to come through, and nothing.  I called back and found out that the endo didn't think they could help me, so instead of calling be to let me know and trying to find someone else to help me, they just let it drop.

I spoke to the practice manager who was 'very sorry' that this happened and was unhappy this was my experience, then didn't bother to follow through.  The third phone call I made I ended up in tears, and still no call, no help, nothing.  as soon as I find a new doctor I am so leaving them horrid reviews everywhere I can.

If I do have Lipedema, having a diagnosis isn't really going to change a lot for me.. there are things that can be done for it, wrapping of my limbs to help the lymph system, manual lymph drainage - aka massage - compression clothing.. some supplements to help with circulation.. and maybe eventually some liposuction. but having a reason why I am the way I am, and why things are so hard.. it would make all the difference in my head.. because right now - no matter how much I try to tell myself otherwise - my being overweight feels like it is all my fault.

I am just so tired

I am so very tired. I feel like I am being beaten down at every turn and I am so sick and tired of getting back up again only to know that I am going to be beaten down again.  I want to give up.  I just want to lay here for a bit, and not move.  put a blanket over me and call me done.

maybe throw a bit of chocolate under that blanket.  maybe a kitten..

So since first found out about lipedema and I decided I wanted a doctor to tell me more about it. To that end, I have..

Called my doctor to make an appointment to talk about it (and have my annual)

• doctor knew nothing about it when I walked in the door, was a bit dismissive of me until I told her it was originally diagnosed in the 40s and is recognized by the mayo clinic.  Even the student doctor knew nothing about it.  both promised to look into it and get back to me.

Called my doctor again and asked for a referral to someone who could talk to me about lipedema

• received a phone call back asking for more information - which pissed me off

Wrote my doctor a letter BEGGING for a referral

• never heard back - months later I learned my doctor closed shop and disappeared (along with my records)

found new doctor

• doctor didn't take my insurance yet, waited three months for her to be approved by insurance
• called back doctor every month to make sure they didn't forget to call me back
• month three - doctor moved out of town *headdesk*

Found new doctor

• this time I wanted to ensure I found a dr who at least KNEW of the condition. Against my own instincts, I made ten phone calls (I HATE talking on the phone) and went backwards, from someone who I know does lipedema treatment, looking for a doctor that might have referred to her, to which she couldn't help me, but referred me to a treatment center nearer to me, blah blah blah, 10 phone calls later I have a new doctor
• doctor can't see me for two months
• nurse practitioner can see me in a month - fine.. tell NP that I want to talk about Lipedema.

Have doctor appointment

• what's lipedema?
• oh, that?.. well the doctor that knows anything about that is off this week, but we'll have a conversation and we'll get back to you

two weeks later..

Excuse me while I sit and cry in the corner for a minute.. because this entire time society is telling me hourly that my fat is my fault.. that I suck, that I eat too much, that I eat too many sweets, that I'm too lazy, that I'm to blame..  (not to mention I've put on another 10lbs)

Okay, fine.  so now I have to make another fucking phone call  Why oh why is this so fucking difficult??

when you hear stories of people taking years to get a diagnosis.. This is why.

well now I'm confusing myself

Well this is an odd sensation.  I stumbled upon a woman who wears a hijab and she likes to dress in the lolita style.. it is really quite adorable.. so I went over to her instagram account and was scrolling through her photos to see more.

now I like to think of myself as progressive.  I accept there are things I don't understand or whatever, and if that is your thing, that's great, good for you.. etc.. but the more I looked at this woman wearing the hijab that covered up her hair and neck, the more I wanted her to take it off so I could see the 'real person' underneath.

I really and completely feel like that part of me is missing the point all together.. that this is the real person, because this is who she is and what she believes.  I accept that, so why on earth did I find myself wishing more and more that she'd just take that 'stupid scarf' off'???

again.. I don't think it is stupid, I think it is beautiful that her traditions have taught her this is one way to please God.

I wondered if I had a need to see women in hair.. so I googled images of bald women.. I didn't feel the same way.. (goodness those bald women are freakingly beautiful. I hope if I ever have to be bald that I have that much confidence)

so I googled women in hijabs, and again, I didn't have that reaction.. lots more beautiful women beautifully committed to their beliefs..

so really I have nothing.  I was hoping by typing this out I might get some sort of clarity.  I've got nothing.. just one sheltered white chick wishing she understood herself more..

nothing new there.

feeling blue

I'm bothered that I don't blog more.  I like creating a record, but frankly if it doesn't have to do with cats, I'm not all that interested in it lately.  I seem to have a one tract mind and on some levels that is fun, on others.. well it means I don't blog much any more for me.

I'm also feeling lonely lately. I'm not sure why, I have more friends now than I probably ever have had thanks to said cat focus, but still.. *sigh* it's probably just the brain chemistry making me think I suck..

weight.. well I stopped weighing myself.  I figure what was the point.  My body was going to do what it was going to do regardless of the direction I tried to steer it, so why continue to look at that number and feel miserable about myself.  now I feel miserable about myself and no number to confirm it.  I am in a size 24 pant and it kills me.  I refuse to buy more than a couple of pairs at any one time hoping against hope that my body will finally 'figure it out' and let go of some of the weight.  I normally feel half decent, and when I start actually having energy I think I can work out a little (and I seriously mean a little) and even though I make it fun and do my best to enjoy what ever I'm doing, I immediately start feeling so very very tired again and end up struggling through the day for the next few days / week.  I can not tell you how much I hate this..

Work.. I'm still at the same job since 2006 which is pretty impressive.  Mostly because my immediate boss is half decent and I'm too tired to look for another job and too scared of what I might end up with to leave.  I currently have a co-worker I'd really prefer if she found another job, as she seems to delight in making my life miserable with her passive aggressive ways.  I've tried several different ways to deal with her, and nothing seems to be working.  We recently had a huge blow out again, and the immediate boss stepped in and so far so good.. but I know it is lurking in the darkness and it will return.. *sigh*

I stepped on something yesterday morning.  I think it was an old staple, but I really have no idea.  My foot hurts, and I should probably go see someone about it, but I'm so tired of doctors and medicine, that I'm kind of hoping that it will heal on its own. Because it was rusty, my brain is all over tetanus (I've had the shot) and my leg feels weird and so does my ankle.. it hurts when I walk barefoot, but not when I'm on memory foam.. my leg didn't feel weird when I woke up, so I'm pretty sure it is psychosomatic.  but if it still hurts in a day or two I'll go get it looked at.

I can't tell you how badly I want to run away to an island somewhere.. something small.. something warm.. with swimming and sand and a hammock and a fruity drink with an umbrella.

three posts?

I just noticed that I only posted three times last year.  not quite sure what that says about me.. I used to post all the time, felt I had something to say to the world, but as I've gone on this journey with my weight and self discovery and all that jazz I feel I have less and less to say to the world in general. Maybe I have just been beaten down so much that I'm sick and tired of trying to get my voice heard in a maelstrom of voices telling me I'm wrong, I'm ugly, I'm useless and I simply do not matter.

how incredibly sad is that.

it is not a message we should be sending out to anyone, but yet 'they' send it out all the time.

of course "they' also can't seem to even get what America is all about when they sit and scream and try to defend it.  For example the coke commercial where America the Beautiful is sung is several different languages and shows people of different races and ethnic backgrounds and cultural backgrounds as well as ... what is the politically correct term for it.. if it is not a choice, then it is not a lifestyle choice.. *sigh* oh well, lets just go with what 'everyone' is calling it, a gay couple... (a couple of the same gender?)

So people are outraged, calling it terrorism.. (oh yes, because Coke is ALL about terrorism.. *headdesk*) and a whole bunch of other horrible things.

um.. people... there is a lot to be outraged about in regards to Coke, but showcasing the melting pot of humanity, the country that begs at our cultural front door:

“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.
”
― "quote on the Statue of Liberty"

this.. this is not one of them.

This is my virtual hug to Coke for those stupid idiots, that really need to be laughed at because of their stupidity and shamed into learning before they talk about things they do not understand, trying to hurt them for trying to do something beautiful.

Now if they could just make food instead of food like substances...

Kelly Clarkson "Catching my Breath" lyrics..

I don't wanna be left behind
Distance was a friend of mine
Catching breath in a web of lies
I've spent most of my life
Riding waves, playing acrobat
Shadowboxing the other half
Learning how to react
I've spent most of my time

Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told it's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now

Addicted to the love I found
Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud
Making time for the ones that count
I'll spend the rest of my time
Laughing hard with the windows down
Leaving footprints all over town
Keeping faith kinda comes around
I'll spent the rest of my life

Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told it's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now

You helped me see
The beauty in everything

Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told it's supposed to be right

Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of this show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath!

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now (it's all so simple now!)

Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told it's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so simple now

Ranting yet again

Once again I have run into a situation where I am just plain ol ticked.

The reasons and wherefores aren't all that important, and in the general scheme of things it really isn't that big of a deal, but it has once again hit upon that one fact of life that never seems to change.

Growing up, we are all taught to play fair, be nice, treat others well, play by the rules, etc.  I do my best to do so.  I do my best to be fair, open and honest.  Occasionally I fall short and I end up ticking someone off, but often it is because of a lack of information.  Either they didn't communicate the entire situation and left me to make assumptions or more rarely it is because of my preconceived notions of what I should be hearing/seeing/etc

But when I run across others who don't feel the need to "play by the rules" it just pisses me off.  Sadly I have been running across more and more people who feel they can and should do what they want.  They dismiss the concerns of others by dismissing their concerns / feelings with versions of "lighten up" "don't be a prude" or 'oh get over it' .. Why?

anxiety

I have been fighting some anxiety today pretty badly.  I know it isn't a good idea, I know I should just sit in a corner and let it wash over me and I won't have to deal with as much but I'm at work and sitting somewhere and having a break down really isn't an option.

I also think I can eat my way out of it.  but now it is 2.5 hours until work is over and i am out of food..

I didn't do any work yesterday.  I haven't done any work today.. I really really need to get over this and buckle down..

arrrgh.


Anyway, I suppose I should update you since the last post.  I am working on having no anxiety regarding food.  I am not having much luck.  I am trying to eat what I want when I want, but I am still finding that I say I should eat x or should have less y.  getting over an entire life of programming of 'good' foods and 'bad' foods is near impossible.

I am back up to my pre pre weight loss weight, and I am disgusted with it.  I am working on not being so, but that is hard as well.  once again a life time of what I 'should' look like has done it's damage.

I am also quite disgusted with what is going on in the news.  The former White House doctor making very direct and derogatory and defamatory statements about Governor Christie's weight.. I so hope he sues her.  I know he probably won't, but he should.  She should have kept her mouth shut and her opinions to herself.  if she wanted to rant about how unhealthy overweight people are in general, that is one thing, but to be so specific.. it is bullying in its worst form - period!

Then there was Rex Reed.. O.. M.. G.. what on earth was that jack hole thinking?? If you don't like Melissa McCarthy's acting, say that, but to use such horrid language to describe her body shape??  there just aren't words.  and what is worse is I am pretty sure there are a lot of people out there that agree with him.

Now I will admit I have a hard time seeing overweight people in the media.  Every time I catch myself having a reaction (I generally don't get to actual words) I have to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with someone being overweight in their position.  that it is wonderful to be diverse.  Not that we should promote being overweight as the ideal, but we also should not be promoting anorexia as the ideal - which is where we have been for far far too long.  Lest you think I am fat prejudice  please know I have a problem with most people who aren't "normal" and I will until it becomes the norm.  the first time I saw a person of color (she was black) i had the exact same reaction.   It isn't because I'm afraid or I think it is wrong, it is just different and unexpected.  Think of it this way, when you are sitting some where and loud noise happens, you react right?  It isn't because you hate the noise, it is because you weren't expecting it.

So haters just need to shut up and get used to it.  The world is currently getting fatter and fatter, and hating it is NOT going to to make it go away..

I just want to cry

I've had a crappy few days.  I've had my first ever UTI (fortunately it appears I am able to clear it on my own, things are much better and still improving) and one of my teeth hurts (which again seems to be improving) and as a result of both of these and my mood I am not eating all that much.

so what happens?  the scale GOES UP!!  stupid asinine scale..

Doesn't help that I'm a few days away from that monthly sucking horror I hate so much.. and it doesn't help this is the first week I've been with out my hormone supplement. (progesterone) not that I think that really matters because I've never been all that regular about taking it.

*sigh*

Every fiber of my being is telling me to run, to hide.  I feel so much like a feral cat at the moment I'm not quite sure how I'm dealing with it all.

anyway, the scale gave me a number that is higher then I've ever been before.  I now literally have 100 extra pounds to lose.

and I'm depressed.

but at least it is now a close tie between sucking wind and aching legs when I exercise.. so either my lungs are getting stronger or my legs are getting more annoyed with me..

arrrgh!

Sorry, rant coming.

I am at work.  i am the 'receptionist' / 'secretary' / accounts payable / billing aka your jack of all trades office worker for a bunch of sales people.

I have a nice large looking receptionist type desk with a ledge on one side.  I use my entire desk because seriously there isn't enough space for all I have to do most days.

Why is it when I put things on MY desk other people feel they can walk up and take things off MY DESK!  Seriously?  I don't go up to your desk and take stuff.. no one else would either, so why is my desk OK to do this to??

There are things I have to process before they go out into the office.  If you bypass that processing stage then THEY DON'T GET PROCESSED!

but that is neither here nor there.  What pisses me off that they take stuff with out talking to me.  If I'm not here my desk if fair game and I can't tell you how much that irks me.

So if that is the way you want to play it, next time you are out of the office, I'm gonna start messin with your crap!

Discombobulated

Well now this is pretty interesting.  I didn't think this would be my reaction to this type of situation, but it is, and I think I find my reaction to it a bit more disturbing then anything else.

This past father's day my sister and I bought my dad an iPad.  the newest model, all the bells and whistles.  Which is quite a riot when you think about it since my dad is much more of a pencil and paper kind of guy.  I'm not surprised he mentioned he'd like one - I mean seriously, who wouldn't like one?? but I'm surprised anyone took him seriously about it.  But whatever.  She already bought it and going in on it seemed to make the most sense.

We spend the day setting it up, talking about it, schedualing a class to take him in to learn how to use it.  I was the designated chaperone because a) I'm the techy of the house and b) I get the least frustrated with him and c) his grandson wasn't around to volunteer.  I don't mind, I like spending time with my dad.  He's a big a curmudgeon as I am, and we get along well.

There was some good natured jabbering via online communication after I had left, and Monday sometime after lunch someone broke into his house and stole his iPad along with a laptop and a few other things of value.

At first I was just told it was the iPad via my sister.  She called to get the password so she could lock it.  I thought that by posting to my father's facebook page we started something.

Turns out his facebook profile isn't visible to anyone but family, so that wasn't likely.  Not to mention the full story is they took more than the iPad.

I'm ticked, and stressed about the whole thing.  But not because my parents were broken into.  Weird as that sounds.  I'm mad that he doesn't have the iPad and I can't chatter with him.  I'm also mad that it was just a matter of hours that he had it (maybe what? 24? if that??) I'm mad that people don't "play fair".  I'm sick and tired of people doing things like this (and theft in particular) to get what they want and not 'playing by the rules'

To further illustrate where I am mentally, there was a meme posted recently by someone I follow on twitter.  It was one of those stupid internet memes with some nondescript person sitting there with a quote next to them.  This one said something along the lines of the woman in line has a new iphone and a coach bag and food stamps, yup, seems legit.

Just about every reply to it was "don't judge!!".  A few people took it a little too personally, thinking it was a personal insult.  One woman explained she bought an iPhone and had an expensive bag while she had a job that could support her and after she lost her job she needed to go on assistance.

OK yes, fine.  I'm absolutely sure that happens.  but

If you are on public assistance for food, how are you affording an $80 phone bill each month??  Seems to me that there are cheaper options.  Ok, so you have a contract with them and can't break the contract with out heavy penalties.. but is that really more expensive then paying out the rest of your contract??

And even if it is, I would say that is one exception.  There are way too many people scamming the system to get free money from the government and then buying things that most of us who aren't on public assistance would have a hard time affording.  When I was a cashier at a grocery store, all too often I would see people buying food with their food stamps, then spending cash on alcohol and cigarettes and often a lot more of it then they did on food.  Or people in brand new designer clothing, etc.

And since they are spending my money (all be it a very small portion of it is mine, cause I do pay my taxes) I think I do have the right to judge if this seems fair or not. 

Yes, some cases it is fair.  Some cases it is legit.  But in a lot of cases I am betting it isn't.  and I think as a citizen who pays into the system that is designed to help people I have every right to say out loud and in general that it isn't right. I would never question an individual in particular, because a) I'm not in their shoes and b) that isn't my job.  but, I think we need to say to the people who's job it is - be aware, there is fraud out there... we are aware of it and so should you!!

It is people like this.. that scam the system or steal from others... that ruin charity for me.  I want to be generous.  I want to give to those in need, but how on earth do you determine who is in real need and who is telling the world they have cancer and do fundraising when they are perfectly healthy.  or the people who 'need presents for their kids'?

It sucks. 

and it sucks that when you say something about it, you are often called judgmental and wrong.. since when did it become a crime to call something that walks like a duck and quacks like a duck most likely to be a duck... or at least a very well trained parrot...

if I have to "play by the rules' then darn it, so should the rest of you!!

and give my dad back his iPad!

Dear people

Dear people who didn't shower or for some other reason think they stink,

I would like you to know there is nothing more offensive then showering yourself in perfume and then pretending you smell good.  I don't care HOW rank you think you smell, your own personal body odor is FAR superior to your own personal smelly body odor covered in perfume.

period.

Thank you,
Those of us with noses.

ouch

A few days ago I woke up with a sore spot on my upper back (around the shoulder blade) and I figured I just slept wrong.  It happens.  But it didn't go away (it happens) and now it has moved into my neck.  I almost feel like I have a bit of whip lash.. it's just so bizarre.  But I know that when I hurt one ankle and favor it, the other foot starts hurting from over use, so I'm sure there is a bit of that going on.  I have my moments, sometimes it hurts more then others.

Had a full weekend.  Went out with family, invited more family over to visit, then went to an even bigger family function.  So unlike me. it went surprisingly well, but it did eat up a great deal of the weekend.

I stopped in at JCP also.  I bought a pair of sapphire earrings and a new shirt.  I wasn't thrilled with the quality of some of the clothing.. but I was impressed with the prices and not all of the clothing was painfully thin.  I so wish I was at my ideal weight (or even weight stable) so I could buy a whole new pretty wardrobe.. (although I'm sure if I had to buy a whole new wardrobe I'd be pulling my hair out trying to find pieces that worked - I know full well that the fantasy and the reality have very little to do with one another)  In time.

I did buy a Groupon to have my arms worked on.  I really need to get off my duff and get that scheduled.  I think I'm ready and will start that pretty quickly.  If they can shave a few inches off my arms I'll fit into a lot nicer clothing which will make me feel a bit less like a freak.  I know we all have issues fitting into premade clothing, but my thighs and my arms make it very difficult on my waist and my chest.    I'd be a lot happier if I only had one of those issues, and I can deal with my hips.. :)   This is going to be the non surgical option..  Since my arms are 16 inches or so, I don't think a few inches is unreasonable..

Being thankful

I spend a lot of my day cursing what isn't.  It annoys me I can't have everything I want when I want it - especially since I'm not asking for diamond crusted jewels or limos or being able to jet off to tropical destinations when it snows.  I want pants that fit, thighs that shrink instead of grow, to sleep through the night and to wake up refreshed and ready to go - seriously, I don't think that is unreasonable.

But

Then I see people talk about dealing with cancer, the death of loved ones, being homeless, being disabled, and I have to stop and remember that while a lot of my life falls short of the awesome department, there is a lot to be thankful for..

and it sucks that I have to actually REMIND MYSELF OF THAT!  arrgh.  I wish my brain were designed just to be glad I have a warm bed to lay in when I'm awake and can't sleep after a night mare.  Or that I have happy healthy kitties when they are pounding on my bladder or pulling my hair..

So I stop... I breathe.. and I remember the 10 or so not so nice aspects of my day or life should not out shadow the rest.

My job is boring, but I have one, and my boss is awesome.  I've had really cruddy bosses in the past, so yea! for that one.
I'm so friggen tired all the time, but I do have energy to do what I NEED to do.  I can power through and get most of the to-do list done each day.  bigger projects can wait, and they do wait very nicely for me... and how great is it that.  the world isn't going to fall apart if I don't finish cleaning up my office..

I'm also thankful for the cute little ol men who are out and about in my community.  (although I'm sure they'd object to be called cute little ol men) who hold the door open for me or other people.  Who are out with their wives and are sweet to them - holding their coats to put on, etc.  I missed out on having grandparents, and I just love seeing old men and old couples (but for some reason old women aren't dear to my heart) out and about.

a dream

Now this was interesting.  I "woke up" in my dream.  I was sleeping in my car (that I own now) outside of the house I grew up in.  My husband was sleeping next to me.  There was frost on the windows.  I woke him up and told him it was time to go home, so we unreclined our seats and he started driving.  I lived on a dead end street, and he drove towards the woods, and made as if to drive into them (via the path that we used to explore the woods, that was no where near car sized) I said you can't go this way, and he got annoyed with me but turned the car around.  All of a sudden there were gorillas that we had to avoid, and a giant tree spirit of the tree that grew in the neighbor's yard (near our mailbox) that was laying around the street and in the yards cut to pieces (even though in RL the tree had been cut down years before.. )

I spoke to the tree spirit and apologized for it being cut down, and it let us pass, and we drove home. 

There was more to this, but I don't remember much else..

gorillas?? I love how my mind wanders when I'm sleeping.  I guess I'm just glad it isn't being mad at me any more and giving me nightmares.

Speaking of nightmares, I do remember that I had one a few days/week ago.. I remember waking up quite shaken.. but fortunately I don't remember what it was.

Well February is almost over.. It seemed to take a really long time this year.  Last year I thought it would be nice to take a trip in February to get away from the cold and to break up the dread of getting through the winter with out anything to look forward to.  But the weather hasn't been bad, and I just can't see traveling anywhere on my limited food choices - not that I really enjoy traveling.. but it might have been nice to do a little shopping and go somewhere warm and go swimming.. but it just didn't work out this year and it seems to have worked out OK.

I made a cake for DH yesterday, and I had a piece.  I was totally unimpressed with it (but everyone else raved about it) and I have decided to try to do with out sugar today.  Probably tomorrow too, but absolutely no sugar today.  My pear doesn't count..

Just noticed something

So I have been working in this office for over 5 years.  I have been cold the entire time.  Recently we hired another worker who is part time.  She is cold.  The manager and one of the sales associates (it is a small office) are warm people, so they kept the temp pretty low.  We hire another full time sales associate, call her a sales manager.  She's cold. Now all of a sudden the office is kept at a nice balmy temp and I haven't really felt the need to use my space heater in a while.

The "You are so insignificant" portion of my ego, the one that tells me I do not matter in society (and heck even if I don't I really don't care - but sometimes it is really inconvenient in my life when the whole world doesn't revolve around me) can't help but wonder if we are now keeping the place warm because SHE is here..

(yes, SHE.. I don't much like her as she is tall and thin.  Yes, she is nice and pleasant and sweet and all that, but I just can't get over the fact that she is tall and blond and thin and that bothers me  Yes, I know, that is judgmental of me, and I really shouldn't, but I can't help myself.   I do my best not to let it show, and since it really only bugs me when I am looking right at her (and not her face.. I can look at her face and be polite and kind), I do my best not to spend a great deal of time looking at her.  Maybe I should.  Maybe it would "desensitize" me to her thinness and her blondness and her tallness.. *sigh* I really am pathetic)

I really don't want this blog to be a place I just come and rant.  I'd like for it to be something and mean something, but I don't really have a focus on what.  Generally I mean it to be my journal, for me.  Something I could look back on if I chose to (I have real paper and pen journals that I almost never look back in.  I do from time to time when I find them when I am looking for something else - I might open to a random page and see what i was thinking) 

I generally don't feel I have much to say that the "general public" wants to hear.  I have often said I am not fit for human consumption. and I believe this to be true.  This blog is called "outside the norm" because that is how I feel when ever I try to have a conversation with a group of people... when I try to join a forum.. heck when I try to talk to my co-workers. even my own immediate family.  Sometimes even my husband doesn't really understand me.. (but then again who ever really understands someone else 100% of the time?)

I am perfectly content meandering through life, not causing any trouble, being a help when I can.. I have no great ambition in life other then not to be made to be belittled by someone else.  I am happy with my corner of the world and how I have set it up, the "decorations hung on the walls" if you will.  Granted there are times that I wish I would win the lottery - and there are times I randomly play - but mostly what I would do with the money is support the causes I support now.. just more of it.  I would probably quit work to be more active in the charities I believe in, but I don't see me buying a great big house and traveling (OK I'd probably have a fire place installed and some landscaping done.. and I'd probably hire someone to do housework since I hate that)

I am very thankful for what I do have, and that I am in the position that I am in that I can enjoy this.  While not rich, I am far from poor.  I have a job that I don't NEED TO HAVE (I've had those, those suck no matter what they are and how much you might like the job)

There is a lot about my life I would change if I had the proverbial three wishes.. I think about those a lot.  but they are pretty minor when you consider what other people might wish for.   I would like to weigh less then I do, I would like not to be as tired as I am all the time.  I'd like for my headaches to go away and not come back. 

But I'd also like a friend or two.  I'm quite the introvert, so getting out of my shell and sustaining a friendship is hard.  I often feel like I am doing the lion's share of the work to maintain them, so I usually let them fall away.

So this is just a random collection of my thoughts, and I guess I am OK with that. I don't expect anyone to show up and enjoy this blog.. but you are more then welcome to if you find it.

Heck, if you do enjoy it, I might like to meet you :)

wow

Can't believe it has been since last may since I have posted.  Seems like ever so long ago.  although reading those posts, I've got pretty much the same issues going on. and yes, it is frustrating me.  Even more so seeing it in print.

My new dr has me on HCG, and I love it and hate it at the same time.  I'm also seeing a therapist.. which the best description of what he does is energy work.  He "unblocks my flow".  It feels stupid, and it sounds stupid, but quite often I come out of there completely emotionally drained.  and I feel it is doing "something"

I got up as high as 237.  five of those pounds were the fat loading to start HCG.  I was up to 235 then went on a "cleanse" and got down to 229 - but that was because I was eating nothing and had diarrhea.  Once I started eating I went back up to 232.   At 232 she suggested I wait a little bit to start HCG, and so I took that to mean a couple of days.. and then the two days of fat loading.  so in that while I ate what ever I want.  I ordered a pizza, I ate the first doughnut I had in years. I wasn't obscene about it, but for two full days I had no food paranoia..

which I've had in spades up till then since I was told I had "food sensitives" and was told to get off 20 or so foods that i ate quite regularly.  Not quite sure I believe in all that, but I was willing to give it a go if it was going to help me feel better.  six months of that and I was getting sick and tired of eating the same few things over and over, but there was no room for deviation.. and frankly I felt a bit like a prisoner. 

now granted I'm not eating any better being on hcg, but I know it is very limited, and I am loosing weight which is a positive.  I mean you spend years jumping through hoop after hoop hoping for result and not finding any, it is enough to make anyone postal.

In all honesty, I don't see any difference in my life between then and now.  Probably a good thing I stopped blogging for a while. 

becareful what you ask for

so I got all annoyed with the half pounds, so as a present my scale rounded UP.. *grumble*

But I didn't get annoyed because I slept horribly.  Then just to mess with my head it went up another pound to 228 this morning.. *grumble grumble*  I exercised yesterday and had a very light dinner.. *grumble grumble* I feel like a three year old being punished for not playing the game right when I've never been told the rules.

I'm pissed.  I'm so tired and frustrated to be angry.  I just want to cry.

dr. appointment tomorrow.  I doubt that I'll get any answers, but maybe I'll get a new direction to try.

226.5

arrgh.

I'm miserable, tired, and can barely walk up the stairs with out getting winded.  This is getting freakingly annoying. 

So as I was making my morning smoothie, my husband asked me if I was going to have the buckwheat waffles we saw at the grocery store this past weekend.  I reminded him that I didn't buy it because I wasn't sure if I was allergic to buckwheat or not.  I got out my list at that point (because I did want to know) and I am.

at that point I looked at the ingredients of my raw protein powder and there were quite a few ingredients in it that are also on my list.  I hate wasting food, but at that point I had my husband throw it out, and I even through out the shake I had just made.  so wouldn't it be great if things cleared right up now?

My bad tooth is feeling better.  I can tell things are settled down and I'm just waiting for the pulp to stop being annoyed.   I'm glad because it too is very annoying.

225.5/226.5/227.5

Welcome to my life.

Every day at 5pm my energy goes out shopping or to Mars or something and I pretty much feel dead.  Some how I get my tushie home from work and I can barely get in the door and get my work things put down before I collapse on the bed for a little rest.  I'm very thankful my husband cooks dinner, so I can eat.  I then drag my butt out of bed and go down stairs and feed the foster kittens and take care of them.  I walk back up the stairs, now exhausted from the effort, and crash back on the bed.  I feel like I'm horribly neglecting my own cats and my husband... but he sees me trying to fix my life, so at least he understands.

Last night I thought I'd try to forgo the PM rest to see if it got me to sleep any faster, and it did by about an hour, but this morning I still barely made it out of bed, and I was still half an hour late to work.  *sigh*  and I was doing so much better on Monday, I thought I'd finally turned a corner.

I also woke up this morning to a white tongue that barely fit in my mouth.  the teeth grooves were very prominent.  not only that but those tooth issues I mentioned yesterday ballooned into full blown loose teeth.  It happens from time to time, and they settle eventually but since one of those teeth was the one that was last worked on and was a bitch to heal, i've got some tooth pain when I chew on things or clench my teeth.  (which means no chewing gum, which is killing me)

so grumpy, tired, swollen and with a bit of tooth discomfort I shuffled over to my scale.  Mostly nekkid I stepped on, and it fluctuated between 226.5 and 227.5 (oh how I hate those 0.5 lbs) before finally settling on the lower number.  Ok.. so I hate the scale.  I was curious what the other scale said, and it said 225.5.. so at least all the dried fruit I ended up eating yesterday wasn't a major issue.. (I brought too many apricots intending to keep some at work as a back up snack for those bad days, and apparently it was a bad day and I ate them all)

so now grumpy, tired, swollen and with some tooth discomfort I get to go down and deal with foster kittens that have diarrhea that isn't clearing up, who are needy and won't wean.  I forgot a syringe to medicate them, so back up the stairs, more time out of breath, back down the stairs, feed feed feed, medicate medicate medicate medicate, back up the stairs, crap it is the time I'm supposed to be AT work, and I still haven't had breakfast nor packed up lunch.. *sigh*  Fortunately I've precooked lunch and just need to put it in a bowl, but crap all the storage containers large enough for lunch are dirty.  Well there is two servings of rice in the larger rice bowl, so I took one out and stuck it in a small bowl and took my lunch in the bowl that the rice was stored in.. problem solved, I feel all smart and clever.. yea! cause frankly that is a first for a while. pack everything up (yogurt and berries for breakfast and the rest of the berries for a snack) and head off to work.. get there, put my lunch back on the shelf  where I always put it and 10 minutes later it falls off and my container of yogurt opens and half of it spills on the floor.  guess that is one way to lose weight hun?

*sigh*

I still feel like I'm going through some major "die off" while my body adjusts to life with out "allergens" I'm on day 10, when on earth is this going to end and I'm going to start feeling human again??

226.5 vs 224.5

what is it with these half pounds anyway??

so I'm grudgingly starting to admit that maybe just maybe there is something to this food "allergy" thing.  I don't get it, I don't like it (GIVE ME A GRILLED CHEESE DARN IT!!) but it is hard to complain when the scale is finally starting to go in the right direction.

Not sure why the old scale is so much lower then the new one.  It fluctuates so frequently, sometimes it is higher sometimes lower, sometimes right on... which is of course the reason I got the new scale.  But I weighed this morning, did some oil pulling because my teeth have been hurting a bit, and then went pee, and I thought hey, maybe I will have lost more weight, but nope, still 226.5 so I jumped on the old one.  Since that one was reading 225, the 224 was nice to see.

I still FEEL like I'm gaining.  I feel so bloated and itchy and crappy.  But hey, I've said it before that I often feel fat when I'm losing weight, so I'm just going to go with it.

I'm also having a hard time emotionally.  I feel like this is a ... parden the expression.. a bread and water diet, and I'm never going to be happy on it.  Right now I am being really restrictive and not allowing ANYTHING on the list (that I can help) I'm assuming that once I talk to the dr about it, I'll be able to start adding in a few things on the first tier of things to avoid and seeing how it effects my weight loss health.  (which of course will most likely show up as weight gain since except for the weight gain and fatigue, I didn't feel like I was having an allergic reaction)

Right now I'm reminding myself of that tooth paste commercial series, where one spouse says to the other, try this your breath will feel fresh through out what ever we are going to do, and the other says something along the lines of yea right.  But they cut to the end, and low and behold the breath is still fresh, and the one with the newly fresh breath extension says "I want to be mad, but it is hard when you look so cute" or something along those lines (I Tivo mostly, so I don't spend a lot of time watching commercials)  It is hard to remember to be mad at this diet when I'm seeing the scale actually going in the right direction.  (that and I'm eating full fat cultured milk products which are actually quite delicious.. )

organic

Ok, I also wanted to admit that I'm starting to see a distinct difference between organic and conventional products.  The beef broth I make with conventional bones does not gel at all, but those I make with organic ones (well I get them from Whole Foods, I'm assuming they are organic) gels up nicely.

So the only other change I've made to my diet other then removing the "allergens" is to try to go as organic as possible.  But I'm not watching my calories at all.

226.5

I was at 229 all weekend.  Very hard to not let it bug me since I was feeling absolutely MISERABLE all weekend.  Feverish, tired, worn out just walking up the stairs... I felt pretty pathetic.  Fortunately DH was on board with the shit I have to go through right now cause all I wanted was a grilled cheese sandwich, and he made me a grass fed burger (sans bun) with pepper and chopped broccoli.

I'm not completely convinced that the number I got today is legit.  I guess we'll find that out over the next few days.

on a bright note, I actually made it into work before 9AM.. (usually Im here by 9:30, and I should be here by 9)

also found out that Ann Curry is taking on the anchor of the Today show. *shudder*  I've said it before, she does great scripted, but she is NOT a live interview person in the least.  Guess I'm switching to GMA.  According to Twitter, I'm not the only one.  I hate to see what they are going to do when they realize that a lot of people can't stand her live interview skills and switch.    She's put in her time, and I am sure she really really wants it.. and she is great when it is pretaped.. But this so is NOT the job for her.

229.5

no change.  Not surprised.

I did have an excess of gas yesterday which I thought rather interesting.  I also had a hard time going to sleep, I felt wired like I usually do when I have too much protein and not enough carbs.  I usually have a piece of bread and I settle and go right to sleep.  but since bread is out, I just 'toughed it out' and eventually after some tossing I got to sleep.

This morning I could feel my colon being a little gassy, not sure what is going on.  So I took my probiotic and later ate my typical morning smoothie and had some oatmeal with coconut manna and cinnamon (it was quite yummy)

I have a massage this afternoon.  Hopefully with some feel good hormones running through me I'll be able to get right to sleep tonight and tomorrow the scale will give me a nice gift..

229.5

well that number was both surprisingly good and annoyingly frustrated, since that is the number I've been for weeks (since the last hurrah weekend before starting the food allergy diet)

So I went and stepped on the old scale.  That one used to say either 229.5 or 227.5 which is so bizarre.  But this time it read 226.5.  So maybe things are working ?? (as much as I want them to, a little part of me is screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOO.. cause it does not want to think about life with out bread and cheese)

I did screw up yesterday.  I found a package of health high fiber cheese puffs (no, really!) and I thought they would make a good afternoon snack, and they did.. but I forgot that the cheese part of cheese puffs involved cheese, one of the no no foods..   I was 3/4ths of the way through the package, so I just finished them.  *shrug*  no one is perfect right?

I also find myself in a bit of a quandary.  A friend of mine has a 10 yr old daughter who he wants to lose a little weight.  I found out about this because he talked to her about it while at my house.  It was not demeaning at all, probably just a little bit of reinforcement of the idea.  I don't think he's being unreasonable, she has a reward coming if she can lose x amount of weight.. I can't remember if it was 5 or 10 lbs and she has months to accomplish it.  But as someone who was 'talked to" about weight at nine, and was put on a diet, and was told "you can't possibly be hungry" and the memories I have of that time, I feel compelled to say something.  I haven't yet... mostly because I'm not sure how to go about it with out getting excessively personal.  While they were visiting she got on my mini trampoline and really enjoyed jumping on it, so I gave her a spare that a friend had given me because she bought it to use and then felt guilty because she wasn't.  I know how many calories you can burn on that thing vs other forms of exercise and since she loved it so much I couldn't help it.  He's out of state for several months now, so I won't see either one of them for a while, and I'm not quite sure that I should say something. 

I'm rambling.  it is sad that weight is such a hard topic to talk about with other people, ranks right up there with money and politics doesn't it?

detoxing?

I'm miserable.  I'm tired, cranky, and feel horribly bloated.  I also slept miserably last night and actually gained weight overnight.. fun fun

I was 232 when I went to bed (I know I shouldn't have jumped on the scale, but I was curious) and 232.5 when I woke up.  Now granted, I got maybe five hours of sleep, which explains a lot.  I tend to gain when I sleep miserably.  I also weighed after 40 minutes in a hot sauna, so there might have been a bit of dehydration in that.

I have no idea why I am at work today.  Guess I figured I'd be miserable here and get paid, instead of miserable at home and not (well I'd have to use a sick day)

I'm going to assume this is working if I get under 227, hopefully pretty quickly - hopefully by next week.

I think the part of this I hate the most is the no vanilla.  I went through all of my chocolate bars this morning, they all had vanilla in them :(  I know the amount is minimal and it probably won't matter, but I won't feel I'm doing this full throttle if I eat anything on the "so your allergic to it" list.  I tend to put vanilla in a lot of things.. I'm just glad it isn't cinnamon as well.

*sigh*

232 this morning, which is good.  but day one was very hard.  Day two is shaping up to be harder as breakfast didn't last nearly as long as I thought it would (based on yesterday)

that's ok, I'm not starving, I'm distracted.  I can deal.  So far other then bread (which is always hard for me to give up) I'm not craving any of the foods I shouldn't be eating.  For the most part most of those foods were easy to eat, a handful of almonds when I wanted a snack, a little cheese on my lunch or dinner for some flavor and fat.. I really hate it when my food is difficult (aka requires a lot of prep).  I am a child of packaged foods, and it frustrates me that I have to shy away from that.

I was also watching the news this morning (ok listening to it) and apparently half of my assumptions yesterday were wrong.  They went in there to kill not to capture.  according to the news people I listened to it wasn't even an option.  Just so sad.

Day one

I know it has been a while since I blogged.  My blog, my perogitive.

I've been seeing a new dr, and we have tried several new things, and no success.  My weight has just gone up and up.  I can not express to you how frustrating that is.  To do everything right and be 'rewarded" with a great big YOU SUCK on the scale.  My clothes no longer fit, and I'm fast approaching the size of clothing that I gave away a few years ago.  I'm down to three pairs of pants that are all very tight on me.  Two are shredding at the thigh, and the third is a black pair of jeans.  I don't mind wearing blue jeans over and over again, but I feel black stands out so people notice you are wearing the same thing.

I'm at the point where I want to have liposuction just to get rid of some of it, but I know that is not the answer.  I also am seriously considering HCG.  I've been doing a ton of reading on it, and I don't believe it is the solution for me long term, but if it gets me back into my clothes until I figure out what IS wrong with me, I'd be thrilled.

The last thing to have happen was to do allergy testing.  It finally came back, and I am "allergic" or sensitive to a majority of the foods I have been eating.  Casin (a protein in milk), wheat, gluten, almonds, peanuts are some of the biggies that came back as "bad" along with a few others I was surprised at and some I wasn't.  Swiss cheese came back as bad - which I am not shocked over in the least - but so did cheddar.  But yogurt was ok?? Whey proteins are fine, which is good because I eat a lot of those.

So, I've decided to give this 30 days.  having a 'time limit' on eliminating some of my favorite foods from my life is going to make this easier.  if I lose weight and my tongue stops being swollen, then I've got my answer don't I?  I really want this to work, (see above frustrations) but some part of me really does not want it to... cause if I have to eliminate bread and cheese from my diet, I am going to be so incredibly sad.  I suppose I don't really need to eliminate it all together, just when I want to lose weight and feel good hun?

up until this weekend I was 229.5  Since my elimination diet is going to have an affect on my husband, I let him pick the last two meals we would have with out restriction.  This morning 235 (or 234 depending since the scale wouldn't settle on one number)

I did get outside and garden this weekend.  Ok so I got outside and removed the weeds from my garden.  I can't express to you how much I hate to garden. I hate vine-ing weeds.  I hate slugs, I hate Japanese beetles, I hate spiders, and I HATE grubs that turn into Japanese beetles. I hate being out in the sun, I hate being bitten by biting ants when I disturb their nest, I hate sore muscles from kneeling, I hate sore muscles in my hands from pulling weeds that are so sore that I think my hands have gone numb.  I hate flying insects that buzz around my head as I'm trying to get things accomplished.  I HATE clover that is such a pain to pull out.  I hate trying to find new places for plants, and that when I dig a hole that it doesn't seem right.  I hate that I go through all of this work and the plants often don't grow at all, or die rather quickly once i get them into the ground.  I also really do not like using the word hate..

but I really love peonies.  and I love that they bloom at my house in time for my birthday - a week later then everyone else.  I'm also hoping to love asparagus.. that would be really nice.  I have some pumpkin seeds sprouting at work, and I'm going to put those in my garden in a couple of weeks.  I'm hoping to love pumpkins this fall.

the hate really outweighs the love.. tell me again why I do this?

So sad...

I woke up to the news that Osama Bin Ladin had been killed.  Not what I was sad about.  In the next breath the news anchors were sharing the "joy of the nation" about the fact that a man was dead.

Doesn't this just feed into the reasons why this man wanted us all dead?? I mean seriously, who takes JOY at the death of another individual, and what kind of country does.

I do believe that some people do deserve to be killed.  I believe that it isn't our individual right to decide that though.  As a believer in God I think that is in His hands.  (and I'd like to believe this was)

I hope against hope that the reason this man is dead is because he chose to be.  That when they invaded, he refused to give up, and there was no choice but to kill him or be killed.  I would like to think the men who invaded that compound did not go there with the express intention of killing him.  I would like to think that the alive part of "wanted dead or alive" was most important.  I'd like to think that our values dictate that and that they do not let the hatred over what he has done win.  Too many people let the hatred win... which is why OBL was such an angry guy and probably why Americans have such joy now.

I wish there would be a little more reflection of the fact that killing him should be a sad thing or at the very least a non joyous thing.  That it had to come to this.  And maybe, just maybe if they can't muster up sympathy for the death of a human being (no matter how evil) then maybe they could wonder about the martyr they have made out him.  Do you really think this is the end?  I fear this is just the beginning.  Especially when they hear of America's collective joy.

more dreams

I wonder if this has anything to do with the medications I'm taking (via my dr) or if I'm just in an active period. 

Yesterday I had some doozies, but I forgot all but one part of it before I could write them down.  There was one part though where I bought a multi stone ring.  All the stones were the same and were tension set in the band.  Before I knew it though, one of the stone fell out.  Why the others didn't, I don't know, but they were loose in the setting.  I couldn't help but think it was my brains way of trying to prepare for the death of one of my cats.

This morning there were two distinct dreams.  I was once again in the house I grew up in and in the living room.  I was dealing with a glucometer trying to figure out how to get it to work better.  I figured it out (but sadly don't remember what the procedure is now) and it involved a small cap at some point.

My father came in, and asked me what I was doing.  I explained, and he said he'd give it a shot.  I had him sit down and get comfy, and the first part was for him to cut off his hand (his left).  I gave him a knife, and he in turn handed me his hand.  I got the lancet device ready, and then poked his hand and got some blood.  I turned to get the glucometer and a test strip, but something was wrong.  I couldn't get all the parts back together again.  I was upset by the delay, but not so much that I had my father's hand.  I finally gathered up something to collect his blood with, and ended up handing his hand back to him.  At this point I realized that the wrist part was similar to a cheese danish. I told him to just put the ends together and they would heal right up.  I got up and went into the kitchen to try to find the part I needed.

While I was there, I noticed a container of cherry juice.  I realized that it wasn't blood I collected by the juice and at this point my father was no longer my father but some boy playing a trick on me.  I was so annoyed and frustrated that I went to my room.   What happened after that I don't know.


But then I found myself in a mall.  (new dream?) I walked around looking at the stores.  I now realize that while it was a mall, and there were stores, the stores were in the class rooms of my middle school. The school I went to 6-8th grades in was an open concept so the classrooms only had three walls.  these stores only had three walls.  Instead of large door openings like you see at most mall stores, there was no fourth wall at all.

I wandered and looked, and stopped at some odd little store. It had dogs, ribbons and "other things"  I watched as some little boy asked about the dog, and the shop keeper saying it was a special dog and there were others if he was interested.  Then a family came and looked at the ribbons.  Some of the kids wanted to buy their mom the biggest ribbon which was the brightest and also an odd shade of bright pale green. Maybe a limon color.  The other kids wanted to buy a smaller but prettier colored ribbon.  The ribbons were hung out very prodominately,  and they kept going back and forth.  Finally the limon colored one won out, and it was picked from the rack and the kids went away.

Then I realized the "other things" were zombies or vampires. Probably vampires. But they were "civil" vamps, trying to fit into society and not be blood thirsty savages.  They weren't having a great deal of success and the shop keeper was a little frazzled trying to keep them in line.  A customer came in and wanted the one that looked like Will Riker (from STNG) the shop keeper went among them to get the right one, when they finally attacked.  He went down, and the customer was still trying to get the right one.  (I have a feeling this came from my constant playing of Zombie Farm for the past few days)