What doesn't kill me does not make me stronger. It makes me anxious, bitchy, and vulnerable...but nobody wants to see that embroidered on a pillow.
~Lisa Kogan
11.09.2009
when I was younger
When I was younger. Old enough that I should have known better, but apparently not..
When I was younger I wanted something I should not have. Not having much to begin with, I was greedy for more. I wanted things that were not good for me, and I reached out to get them. I got a taste, and I liked it. But it was not to be.
Looking back, it is a good thing that it did not happen. It is a good thing that I was not able to have all that I wanted. At the time I rallied against convention and cried that life was not fair. and I suppose in a way I still agree with that. But convention is easy. It is a long held ritual that gives you comfort and a degree of happiness that is outside of actual fact. Happiness that comes with the ritual itself, not so much the actual doing...
I still want and ache for more, but I have come to realize that even if I could change the world to have all that I want, it would not work.
I am old enough now to know. I guess I knew even then, but I did not care. Now I care. and I am sorry to anyone who was hurt by my greed
When I was younger I wanted something I should not have. Not having much to begin with, I was greedy for more. I wanted things that were not good for me, and I reached out to get them. I got a taste, and I liked it. But it was not to be.
Looking back, it is a good thing that it did not happen. It is a good thing that I was not able to have all that I wanted. At the time I rallied against convention and cried that life was not fair. and I suppose in a way I still agree with that. But convention is easy. It is a long held ritual that gives you comfort and a degree of happiness that is outside of actual fact. Happiness that comes with the ritual itself, not so much the actual doing...
I still want and ache for more, but I have come to realize that even if I could change the world to have all that I want, it would not work.
I am old enough now to know. I guess I knew even then, but I did not care. Now I care. and I am sorry to anyone who was hurt by my greed
202
can we scream frustrated. I seriously am really wanting to follow through on my threat to get liposuction.. *sigh*
I had a couple of odd dreams lately. One I was fishing. I used a three foot fish as bait, and I was expecting to catch a monster of a fish. I had little more then twine as fishing line, and when something bit on the line, I used neoprine gloves on top of my hand to guide the line as it let out and as I reeled it in. I kept backing up and backing up and finally I was on land still trying to reel in this fish. I walked through a church, going in one side and out the other. Not sure why I thought this would help bring the fish in but I did it, all the while keeping the glove on top of my hand and the line on top of the glove. I'm pretty sure at the end of the dream I caught a glimpse of the fish on the end of the line, but I can't remember for the life of me if it was a giant huge catch or some little guppy.
This morning I had a dream that one of my cats was outside. She was sitting on the wrong side of a old style glass French door looking rather pathetic. When I woke up and saw my husband with a different cat on his shoulders I asked him if he had seen "his kitty" (the one in the dream) and he said yes, so it was just some odd little thing. Why would I dream that??
Then this morning I got it in my head to look up my class reunion. Probably because of the hoopla over the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. Odd how I have never made that connection before, but then again I was in my freshmen year of colleage when it actually fell.
I found a facebook group with some photos that I was able to surf through. I recognized one woman, but that is only because she has changed very little. There were a couple of other women whom I think I recognize even to the point of coming up with a name for them. The others - even with name tags I'm clueless. I have blocked out most of my high school experience being that my class was pretty horrid to me. I have absolutely no intention of ever going to a reunion, but man i wouldn't mind being a fly on the wall. Maybe if someone tracked me down (I'm not that hard to find for those who know me) and asked me to go I probably would, but no one would ever do that as ... well see above where my class was pretty horrid. I had some friends in the classes above me and below me, but alas you aren't invited to those are you?
Part of me wants to give these people a chance. I mean we all went through the same thing - all be it from different social standings - and I have heard stories of friendships being made that could never be made while still in school. But I guess I am just not strong enough.
I had a couple of odd dreams lately. One I was fishing. I used a three foot fish as bait, and I was expecting to catch a monster of a fish. I had little more then twine as fishing line, and when something bit on the line, I used neoprine gloves on top of my hand to guide the line as it let out and as I reeled it in. I kept backing up and backing up and finally I was on land still trying to reel in this fish. I walked through a church, going in one side and out the other. Not sure why I thought this would help bring the fish in but I did it, all the while keeping the glove on top of my hand and the line on top of the glove. I'm pretty sure at the end of the dream I caught a glimpse of the fish on the end of the line, but I can't remember for the life of me if it was a giant huge catch or some little guppy.
This morning I had a dream that one of my cats was outside. She was sitting on the wrong side of a old style glass French door looking rather pathetic. When I woke up and saw my husband with a different cat on his shoulders I asked him if he had seen "his kitty" (the one in the dream) and he said yes, so it was just some odd little thing. Why would I dream that??
Then this morning I got it in my head to look up my class reunion. Probably because of the hoopla over the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. Odd how I have never made that connection before, but then again I was in my freshmen year of colleage when it actually fell.
I found a facebook group with some photos that I was able to surf through. I recognized one woman, but that is only because she has changed very little. There were a couple of other women whom I think I recognize even to the point of coming up with a name for them. The others - even with name tags I'm clueless. I have blocked out most of my high school experience being that my class was pretty horrid to me. I have absolutely no intention of ever going to a reunion, but man i wouldn't mind being a fly on the wall. Maybe if someone tracked me down (I'm not that hard to find for those who know me) and asked me to go I probably would, but no one would ever do that as ... well see above where my class was pretty horrid. I had some friends in the classes above me and below me, but alas you aren't invited to those are you?
Part of me wants to give these people a chance. I mean we all went through the same thing - all be it from different social standings - and I have heard stories of friendships being made that could never be made while still in school. But I guess I am just not strong enough.
11.03.2009
202.5 or 204 depending
I have been weighing at 202.5 for a while now. Last night I woke up out of a dream and was awake, and was so for an hour or two. When that happens I always gain. It is frustrating as all get out, but at least I know that it is not real, and it WILL go away.
What is super frustrating though is I ate about 1300 calories and I burned of 2700.. so (grumbles more about evil body not wanting to lose weight)
I am pretty sure I am at the point where I am just going to give in and have liposuction now. I'm only 30% fat, and 50% water. I fairly certain I have some sort of something going on, and if I can get rid of the excess space in my body, then it won't feel the need to fill it up. I know I am going to have to have lipo no matter what happens because my arms will never be ideal, and I doubt my thighs will either nor will that little muffin top that has formed right above my belly button.
and I saw a lipo done on cankles on the TV show "The Doctors" and OMG I want that!! I have always had huge fat calfs that I feel like I have elephant legs if I wear anything that doesn't show my knee but shows off my legs. So I am going to go talk to a dr at some point in the next month or two about the cost of all that. Chances are I'm just going to do my arms/thighs/upper belly. As I've said before, I want my arms cut off completely, but I think I'm ok right now just getting them smaller so they fit into regular - non spandex - shirts. If the shirts have no stretch, I have to wear a large. If they have stretch, I fit into a lot of XS. Still scared out of my mind to do it.. but all this frustration over what I'm eating, and how much I'm exercising (I'm now exercising twice a day) is inane.
Speaking of inane.. I have to say I wish my brain would learn to be nicer to me!! I was sleeping last night, and dreaming I was in a group of people somewhere, and I spotted this very handsome man. It was kind of odd because he was out of proportion to everyone else - much bigger almost cartoonish. But instead of being a good thing, he then morphed into some sort of killer with an electrical shocking thing and he was chasing the cats and trying to electrocute them!! I woke up more annoyed than anything else. I'm glad I wasn't freaked. I think because he didn't get any that it didn't freak me out.
Cats have been interupting a lot of my dreams lately. I remember I was a reporter trying to get a story about some serial killers and I was interviewing two boys in a van about the situation, and like any good movie, these boys were actually the killers. I was distracted by a cat climbing into the van and while I was distracted they escaped and went on a killing spree (or so I drempt.. not so much that I saw) after waking up from that one, I had another about a ghost. It was a male ghost haunting a hotel and a male staff member. The ghost was frustrated and thus being violent. I left the hotel and went down the street to a store and tried on a scarf - that was more like a table runner, thick and wide. I thought it was beautiful and very Victorian. I wore it more as a piece that ran down once side of my outfit more than a scarf around the neck. I walked back through several stores, one serving food. when I got back to the hotel, I had to deal with the man and the ghost again, and we had to flee. I went to a nearby home - again very Victorian, and the ghost attached to me and turned into a woman. I walked through the house, into the kitchen, through the dinning room and out onto a porch. The ghost followed me around until a cat came up to me and wanted to cuddle, at which point the ghost (who was no longer violent but more mischievous) left.
What is super frustrating though is I ate about 1300 calories and I burned of 2700.. so (grumbles more about evil body not wanting to lose weight)
I am pretty sure I am at the point where I am just going to give in and have liposuction now. I'm only 30% fat, and 50% water. I fairly certain I have some sort of something going on, and if I can get rid of the excess space in my body, then it won't feel the need to fill it up. I know I am going to have to have lipo no matter what happens because my arms will never be ideal, and I doubt my thighs will either nor will that little muffin top that has formed right above my belly button.
and I saw a lipo done on cankles on the TV show "The Doctors" and OMG I want that!! I have always had huge fat calfs that I feel like I have elephant legs if I wear anything that doesn't show my knee but shows off my legs. So I am going to go talk to a dr at some point in the next month or two about the cost of all that. Chances are I'm just going to do my arms/thighs/upper belly. As I've said before, I want my arms cut off completely, but I think I'm ok right now just getting them smaller so they fit into regular - non spandex - shirts. If the shirts have no stretch, I have to wear a large. If they have stretch, I fit into a lot of XS. Still scared out of my mind to do it.. but all this frustration over what I'm eating, and how much I'm exercising (I'm now exercising twice a day) is inane.
Speaking of inane.. I have to say I wish my brain would learn to be nicer to me!! I was sleeping last night, and dreaming I was in a group of people somewhere, and I spotted this very handsome man. It was kind of odd because he was out of proportion to everyone else - much bigger almost cartoonish. But instead of being a good thing, he then morphed into some sort of killer with an electrical shocking thing and he was chasing the cats and trying to electrocute them!! I woke up more annoyed than anything else. I'm glad I wasn't freaked. I think because he didn't get any that it didn't freak me out.
Cats have been interupting a lot of my dreams lately. I remember I was a reporter trying to get a story about some serial killers and I was interviewing two boys in a van about the situation, and like any good movie, these boys were actually the killers. I was distracted by a cat climbing into the van and while I was distracted they escaped and went on a killing spree (or so I drempt.. not so much that I saw) after waking up from that one, I had another about a ghost. It was a male ghost haunting a hotel and a male staff member. The ghost was frustrated and thus being violent. I left the hotel and went down the street to a store and tried on a scarf - that was more like a table runner, thick and wide. I thought it was beautiful and very Victorian. I wore it more as a piece that ran down once side of my outfit more than a scarf around the neck. I walked back through several stores, one serving food. when I got back to the hotel, I had to deal with the man and the ghost again, and we had to flee. I went to a nearby home - again very Victorian, and the ghost attached to me and turned into a woman. I walked through the house, into the kitchen, through the dinning room and out onto a porch. The ghost followed me around until a cat came up to me and wanted to cuddle, at which point the ghost (who was no longer violent but more mischievous) left.
10.15.2009
203 grrr
Ok, so now it has been five days that I have been at 203. According to my calculations, I have burned 4000 calories..
< sarcasm>I so love my body.. </sarcasm>
Now I will admit that I have had a few sugary things in the past few days, but 100 calories of low fat ice cream and half a whoopie pie (what, 200 calories?) should NOT prevent the 4000 deficit from showing up!!! what about stupid calories in calories out rule?? I should be able to eat 1200 calories of whoopie pies and be losing weight if I'm burning more than 1200 calories a day!! SHOULDN'T I!!!
*deep breaths*
it will come off.. it will come off.. do not let the lying prank pulling scale tell you that you aren't doing a good job, you are..
< sarcasm>I so love my body.. </sarcasm>
Now I will admit that I have had a few sugary things in the past few days, but 100 calories of low fat ice cream and half a whoopie pie (what, 200 calories?) should NOT prevent the 4000 deficit from showing up!!! what about stupid calories in calories out rule?? I should be able to eat 1200 calories of whoopie pies and be losing weight if I'm burning more than 1200 calories a day!! SHOULDN'T I!!!
*deep breaths*
it will come off.. it will come off.. do not let the lying prank pulling scale tell you that you aren't doing a good job, you are..
10.13.2009
Salads
OMG a post not about my weight!!lol
so I just finished my lunch salad, and thought Id share.
Every Sunday, I go to the grocery store and buy a bag of romaine lettuce hearts, a red pepper, an onion and a cucumber. Recently I have started adding a bag of young spinach to that as well. I use half the bag one week, the other half the next.
I have five 4 cup tupperware containers, and I slice a romaine heart in half, and chop that up for each container (one left over for my rabbit, or spread over the five containers if the hearts were small) one red pepper gets chopped up among the five. I've been buying european cucumbers lately and one does nicely to all five. Half a medium onion works. I prefer sweet onions as I've just learned. I can eat a lot more sweet onion than I can a regular or red one.
Dressing: well now this one is always tricky. I try to find a dressing that is low in calories and absent of any HFCS (because if I don't look and I get one with HFCS, I end up starving before the week is over). There are a few brands I've tried recently that I like, but they are all rather expensive. I had previously bought a bottle of balsamic vinegar - the good stuff - and mixed that with a dash of olive oil and some salt, and that was quite good. when that bottle ran out I couldn't find another bottle that was as thick and syrupy as it was. Even the "good stuff" that was expensive was watery. But the other day I found "balsamic cream" which is pretty tasty stuff. I brought the bottle to work, and use that as dressing with a little Murray River Australian Flake Salt.. yummo.
I remember when I thought there was NO WAY I was ever going to eat a salad with out goopy gobby salad dressing.. when one day I was with out salad, and I stopped at my local grocery store and concoctoed a fairly healthy salad with some dried cranberries on it. I forgot to grab dressing, and so I ended up eatting it dry. It was actually quite yummy.
So I recommend trying salad with nontraditional dressings - heck no dressing at all if you have a good combination of sweet and savory ingredients.. You never know, you might like it and it will just save you a few calories.
so I just finished my lunch salad, and thought Id share.
Every Sunday, I go to the grocery store and buy a bag of romaine lettuce hearts, a red pepper, an onion and a cucumber. Recently I have started adding a bag of young spinach to that as well. I use half the bag one week, the other half the next.
I have five 4 cup tupperware containers, and I slice a romaine heart in half, and chop that up for each container (one left over for my rabbit, or spread over the five containers if the hearts were small) one red pepper gets chopped up among the five. I've been buying european cucumbers lately and one does nicely to all five. Half a medium onion works. I prefer sweet onions as I've just learned. I can eat a lot more sweet onion than I can a regular or red one.
Dressing: well now this one is always tricky. I try to find a dressing that is low in calories and absent of any HFCS (because if I don't look and I get one with HFCS, I end up starving before the week is over). There are a few brands I've tried recently that I like, but they are all rather expensive. I had previously bought a bottle of balsamic vinegar - the good stuff - and mixed that with a dash of olive oil and some salt, and that was quite good. when that bottle ran out I couldn't find another bottle that was as thick and syrupy as it was. Even the "good stuff" that was expensive was watery. But the other day I found "balsamic cream" which is pretty tasty stuff. I brought the bottle to work, and use that as dressing with a little Murray River Australian Flake Salt.. yummo.
I remember when I thought there was NO WAY I was ever going to eat a salad with out goopy gobby salad dressing.. when one day I was with out salad, and I stopped at my local grocery store and concoctoed a fairly healthy salad with some dried cranberries on it. I forgot to grab dressing, and so I ended up eatting it dry. It was actually quite yummy.
So I recommend trying salad with nontraditional dressings - heck no dressing at all if you have a good combination of sweet and savory ingredients.. You never know, you might like it and it will just save you a few calories.
203
I has been 3 days at 203. I should NOT complain, and be happy, but according to my records of calories burned thanks to my gowearfit and my recording of what I eat, I am now down 3058 calories. There are only 3500 calories to a pound, so shouldn't I be 202.5??? *grumbles that weight loss is art and science, not just science* I know if I'm going to be upset by the scale I shouldn't get on it every day, but I don't have the fear and the dread of getting on the scale if I am on it every day - which far outweighs the grumbling of not losing weight for three silly days.
my boss and my co-worker are out of town, so I doubt I'll be doing much work at work today.. or tomorrow.. I have a part time co-worker in to fill in for them. She's wicked cute and sweet, but quiet so I'm pretty much left alone.
I wish I could do some online shopping, but my bill last month was over 1200 (thanks to new tires and a kitty operation) and I so very much need to get a dental done on another one of my kitties - but I think I'll wait on that until the first kitty has shown me he is actually on the mend.. It's waited a year and a half, I'm not stressed to do it, but it is out there. What I really want to buy is new clothes.. but what is the point of that if this is not the body I'm going to end up with? I mean if I need them (like I needed jeans recently) I'm all over that, but I have enough clothes to get by - no point is having excess if *hopefully* they won't fit in a few months. *knock wood*
I believe I really like my thyroid supplements. I haven't felt as run over lately. I wouldn't say I'm perky and full of energy... and I'm not 100% sure if it is the thyroid or the ribose, or both (I don't believe it is the ribose alone since I was taking that before and while it gave me energy I would often feel run over) I don't think I'll be re-ordering the other supplements I bought this time around. I'll probably regret it, but if I do, I can order more later. I'm still waiting for enough energy to get through the week AND the weekend..
my boss and my co-worker are out of town, so I doubt I'll be doing much work at work today.. or tomorrow.. I have a part time co-worker in to fill in for them. She's wicked cute and sweet, but quiet so I'm pretty much left alone.
I wish I could do some online shopping, but my bill last month was over 1200 (thanks to new tires and a kitty operation) and I so very much need to get a dental done on another one of my kitties - but I think I'll wait on that until the first kitty has shown me he is actually on the mend.. It's waited a year and a half, I'm not stressed to do it, but it is out there. What I really want to buy is new clothes.. but what is the point of that if this is not the body I'm going to end up with? I mean if I need them (like I needed jeans recently) I'm all over that, but I have enough clothes to get by - no point is having excess if *hopefully* they won't fit in a few months. *knock wood*
I believe I really like my thyroid supplements. I haven't felt as run over lately. I wouldn't say I'm perky and full of energy... and I'm not 100% sure if it is the thyroid or the ribose, or both (I don't believe it is the ribose alone since I was taking that before and while it gave me energy I would often feel run over) I don't think I'll be re-ordering the other supplements I bought this time around. I'll probably regret it, but if I do, I can order more later. I'm still waiting for enough energy to get through the week AND the weekend..
10.12.2009
203
I set a goal to burn 3000 calories yesterday. I burned 2700 - but I got seriously distracted, so I probably could have beat my goal if I had just stayed home. I also ate about 1000 calories (200 of that was half a whoopie pie) so I had a half decent day calorie burn wise. I rarely eat that few calories so I figure I'm ok. Annoyingly I weighed 203 at 6am, and again at 8am.. (usually I lose a pound during that hour) so maybe just maybe I'm at a little less (maybe I lose it at 8:30??) who knows.
I made said whoopie pies yesterday, and they came out surprisingly well. Lots of complements on them. I had half last night because I couldn't get to sleep (often the sugar crash helps me sleep) and I had two tiny bites this morning (because the co-workers split the one I brought in)
I made said whoopie pies yesterday, and they came out surprisingly well. Lots of complements on them. I had half last night because I couldn't get to sleep (often the sugar crash helps me sleep) and I had two tiny bites this morning (because the co-workers split the one I brought in)
10.09.2009
206.5 or 204.5.... hum.. I'll go with 204.5
well this was an interesting morning. I got up at some ungodly hour.. I mean the sun wasn't even up (although in New England in October, that isn't THAT early) and since I was starving and I hadn't eaten since 6pm the night before, I thought it would be OK to weigh.. yea.. right. So at 6am I weighed 206.5. My throat hurt, so I had a Fiber One 50 calorie yogurt and a few sips of a drink (because if I drink the whole thing before my official weigh in time I gain a pound or two - and yes, I know that a glass of water only weighs 8 oz.. don't ask me how it happens, I have no idea)
I was feeling miserable (throat hurt from my ears blocking up - again, don't ask) so I laid in bed till 8:30ish (I have to BE at work at 9) finally I convinced my cats it was time to get off me, and I went back in and weighed, and this time it was weird, it flashed several times between 206.5 and 207.5 and then settled on 204.5. Hun? what ever. So I jumped on the other scale to see what that said and it said 205, so I'll just take it.
Ok, so I've been at this weight since Oct 5. That isn't THAT bad, since it is only the 9th.. I have burned about 3000 calories, so you would think I would have let that stupid half pound go..
DH is out of town, so I plan on exercising quite a bit this weekend. Now if I can only keep my eating in line...
I was feeling miserable (throat hurt from my ears blocking up - again, don't ask) so I laid in bed till 8:30ish (I have to BE at work at 9) finally I convinced my cats it was time to get off me, and I went back in and weighed, and this time it was weird, it flashed several times between 206.5 and 207.5 and then settled on 204.5. Hun? what ever. So I jumped on the other scale to see what that said and it said 205, so I'll just take it.
Ok, so I've been at this weight since Oct 5. That isn't THAT bad, since it is only the 9th.. I have burned about 3000 calories, so you would think I would have let that stupid half pound go..
DH is out of town, so I plan on exercising quite a bit this weekend. Now if I can only keep my eating in line...
10.08.2009
204.5
Ok, this is seriously getting frustrating!! I'm thinking of adding my caloric count to this blog (i wonder if there is a widget for that), simply to watch how many calories I'm burning and show the pounds I'm not losing! There hasn't been a day this week when I wasn't under 500 calories, and most days it was up to 700+. So by now you'd think I would have lost SOMETHING!! (besides my sanity!)
I am going to try to go back to my "NO SWEETS" policy. the days that I was down at -500 calories I had a whoopie pie, or a couple of pieces of candy.. I can't imagine how having a little refined sugar could keep my body from letting go of weight, but then again I can't imagine why I'm not losing weight so we'll see what happens.
I've also been watching a lot of the tv show "Ruby" and it is ringing bells with me in that I'm not dealing with my childhood. I've separated myself from my mother who has done little beyond making me feel stupid and worthless (despite having a very high IQ and making honors all the time).
I've been trying to relive my past, to try to find some positives (which there are a few) but mostly I find negatives of how she completely and utterly did not support me in any way shape or form beyond the "If you just thought like I do, you would be worth something" pushes.
I'm not saying my mother never went to bat for me, I'm saying I just do not remember it.
There was once, where I'm not 100% sure what happened. I think she started out on my side, but then caved rather quickly to the "well that is the way it is" - no matter how wrong it was. One year in school I got all Bs and one C. To me, that was third honors (first being all As, second all As and Bs, third being As and Bs and one C) but because I didn't have an A to offset the C, they kept my name off the roll. I tried to fight it. Sadly I don't remember what happened, but I would think if I had won I would have remembered it as I didn't win much in my childhood (or should I say I didn't win the causes I took up)
Mostly, my childhood was filled with: but you are so smart, why don't you do better. Just apply yourself and excel! etc. I was in honors with out applying myself. I'm sure I frustrated the living daylights out of people who wanted to see what I could do if I would. But to me good enough is truly good enough. It wasn't like I was failing (far from it in all subjects except spelling) so I didn't see the need to push myself to get 100 instead of 99 or even 95. If you can get from point B from point A just as quickly, what does it matter if you are in a ferrari or in a civic? A farrari is just overkill.
What I want is to accept that how I want to live my life is totally acceptable! I do not have to feel bad for having a administrative assistance job (even if I still can't spell it). That I do not have to feel bad or guilty for wanting to spend the entire weekend in bed. My body does not have to come up with some illness so I feel justified for not getting up. I tell myself this till I am blue in the face, but it is very hard to overcome ingrained patterns in your life. When you are chastised for your choices, and others are lauded for towing the party line, it is so hard to not continue to do it to yourself subconsciously even if consciously you are telling yourself over and over again that not only it is OK but that so many other people wish they could just get over that "must do it all" mentality and want to relax their inane standards of what the world should be that they didn't even come up with on their own. I'm sure my mother was taught in her life that societal success is everything.. it's just sad.
Anyway. I want to write another letter to my mother. I want to tell her what an ass she was, but I also want to try to stay positive, and focus on the good things from my childhood, because remembering those is more important then remembering the negative stuff. So far I have frosted molasses christmas cookies. Whoopie pies. Crafting at home, and crafting at girl scouts (I remember making bread dough ornaments.) Being read stories.
sad hun?
I am going to try to go back to my "NO SWEETS" policy. the days that I was down at -500 calories I had a whoopie pie, or a couple of pieces of candy.. I can't imagine how having a little refined sugar could keep my body from letting go of weight, but then again I can't imagine why I'm not losing weight so we'll see what happens.
I've also been watching a lot of the tv show "Ruby" and it is ringing bells with me in that I'm not dealing with my childhood. I've separated myself from my mother who has done little beyond making me feel stupid and worthless (despite having a very high IQ and making honors all the time).
I've been trying to relive my past, to try to find some positives (which there are a few) but mostly I find negatives of how she completely and utterly did not support me in any way shape or form beyond the "If you just thought like I do, you would be worth something" pushes.
I'm not saying my mother never went to bat for me, I'm saying I just do not remember it.
There was once, where I'm not 100% sure what happened. I think she started out on my side, but then caved rather quickly to the "well that is the way it is" - no matter how wrong it was. One year in school I got all Bs and one C. To me, that was third honors (first being all As, second all As and Bs, third being As and Bs and one C) but because I didn't have an A to offset the C, they kept my name off the roll. I tried to fight it. Sadly I don't remember what happened, but I would think if I had won I would have remembered it as I didn't win much in my childhood (or should I say I didn't win the causes I took up)
Mostly, my childhood was filled with: but you are so smart, why don't you do better. Just apply yourself and excel! etc. I was in honors with out applying myself. I'm sure I frustrated the living daylights out of people who wanted to see what I could do if I would. But to me good enough is truly good enough. It wasn't like I was failing (far from it in all subjects except spelling) so I didn't see the need to push myself to get 100 instead of 99 or even 95. If you can get from point B from point A just as quickly, what does it matter if you are in a ferrari or in a civic? A farrari is just overkill.
What I want is to accept that how I want to live my life is totally acceptable! I do not have to feel bad for having a administrative assistance job (even if I still can't spell it). That I do not have to feel bad or guilty for wanting to spend the entire weekend in bed. My body does not have to come up with some illness so I feel justified for not getting up. I tell myself this till I am blue in the face, but it is very hard to overcome ingrained patterns in your life. When you are chastised for your choices, and others are lauded for towing the party line, it is so hard to not continue to do it to yourself subconsciously even if consciously you are telling yourself over and over again that not only it is OK but that so many other people wish they could just get over that "must do it all" mentality and want to relax their inane standards of what the world should be that they didn't even come up with on their own. I'm sure my mother was taught in her life that societal success is everything.. it's just sad.
Anyway. I want to write another letter to my mother. I want to tell her what an ass she was, but I also want to try to stay positive, and focus on the good things from my childhood, because remembering those is more important then remembering the negative stuff. So far I have frosted molasses christmas cookies. Whoopie pies. Crafting at home, and crafting at girl scouts (I remember making bread dough ornaments.) Being read stories.
sad hun?
10.07.2009
10.06.2009
204.5 again
well this is annoying. Hey, at least it isn't 206.5
I realized something this morning, I hold on to things VERY tightly. I think that is one of my major stressers in life. If I could just learn to not hold on so tight to how I want life to go and just accept how it is going, I would probably be a lot better off. (which of course is the one trait of DH that I hate and love and admire at the same time)
Strange thing is that I KNOW life is not going to conform to how i want it to go, but yet I inanely cling to the hope that if I just cling hard enough it will work out as I want it to.
Which is also stupid when I think about it, because a great deal of positive things have come into my life when life hasn't worked out as *I* wanted it to.
This comes because my kitty is not healing well from surgery at all. He's at the vet today being monitored. Every instinct, every fiber of my being wants to throw my head in the sand and deny that anything is wrong. Fortunately I do have a rational bone in my body *somewhere* and it allowed me to make my husband (notice I didn't call) talk to the vet about his symptoms. The vet suggested he come in. *sigh* so I sit here typing trying to imagine myself floating gently down a river instead of allowing myself to feel like I'm clinging to a rock in a white water river, which when I forget to relax happens almost instantly.
I realized something this morning, I hold on to things VERY tightly. I think that is one of my major stressers in life. If I could just learn to not hold on so tight to how I want life to go and just accept how it is going, I would probably be a lot better off. (which of course is the one trait of DH that I hate and love and admire at the same time)
Strange thing is that I KNOW life is not going to conform to how i want it to go, but yet I inanely cling to the hope that if I just cling hard enough it will work out as I want it to.
Which is also stupid when I think about it, because a great deal of positive things have come into my life when life hasn't worked out as *I* wanted it to.
This comes because my kitty is not healing well from surgery at all. He's at the vet today being monitored. Every instinct, every fiber of my being wants to throw my head in the sand and deny that anything is wrong. Fortunately I do have a rational bone in my body *somewhere* and it allowed me to make my husband (notice I didn't call) talk to the vet about his symptoms. The vet suggested he come in. *sigh* so I sit here typing trying to imagine myself floating gently down a river instead of allowing myself to feel like I'm clinging to a rock in a white water river, which when I forget to relax happens almost instantly.
10.05.2009
204.5
or 203.5 depending on which scale you want to listen to, but I've been tracking on the one that read higher today, so that is what we'll go with.
This weekend was kind of a wash. According to my food tracking and my armband, I was in the negative at all times, but I ate junk and didn't exercise. We'll see what happens in the next couple of days. If I continue to lose weight I'm going to put off the thought of doing cosmetic surgery right now, and see what continues to happen. I have about 10 days of vacation time that I was saving for recovery from getting my arms cut off, but if I am actually going to continue to lose weight, I think I would rather do that and have the surgery later when I'm at a more 'normal" weight.
I'm now pretty convinced I have rosacea. I so need to get my tushie over to my Dr. and deal with this, but I just don't want to. Stupid, I know, because it is not going to go away on it's own, but for the most part I can deal, so I just deal.
This weekend was kind of a wash. According to my food tracking and my armband, I was in the negative at all times, but I ate junk and didn't exercise. We'll see what happens in the next couple of days. If I continue to lose weight I'm going to put off the thought of doing cosmetic surgery right now, and see what continues to happen. I have about 10 days of vacation time that I was saving for recovery from getting my arms cut off, but if I am actually going to continue to lose weight, I think I would rather do that and have the surgery later when I'm at a more 'normal" weight.
I'm now pretty convinced I have rosacea. I so need to get my tushie over to my Dr. and deal with this, but I just don't want to. Stupid, I know, because it is not going to go away on it's own, but for the most part I can deal, so I just deal.
10.02.2009
204.5
So I got up at 6am and weighed in at 206.5 and my chin hit my chest. so friggen disappointing that I went back to bed. I work a short day so I can exercise in the afternoon, so I took advantage of the warm bed and snoozed until about 8. I got up and decided to weigh again for the fun of it, and I got the 204.5 My older scale said 204 so I'm going to believe it. (they jocky back and forth as to which one weighs higher so as long as they are close in range I believe them)
so... this leaves me all the more confused as to why I went through all that testing. I shouldn't assume that because I am currently losing weight, that I will continue to do so, but I am hopeful. But then again I have been hopeful in the past year and been disappointed.
I will do my best, and let my body do what it wants.. as my body is want to do.
so... this leaves me all the more confused as to why I went through all that testing. I shouldn't assume that because I am currently losing weight, that I will continue to do so, but I am hopeful. But then again I have been hopeful in the past year and been disappointed.
I will do my best, and let my body do what it wants.. as my body is want to do.
10.01.2009
206.5
*loud obnoxious rant*
i was so sure that this time it would work. I was certain that I would start losing weight again!! arrgh!
Today is going to be one of the most difficult of days for a variety of reasons. First of all the lying crappy scale that tells me I gained weight. How can I not see that and say to heck with eating right and doing all this exercise. If it is going to be mean to me, it might as well be mean to me for not exercising and eating pie!! But I'm going to be good for two more days. If I still have a crappy number on Saturday I'm having pie.
I didn't sleep well last night. I was awaken twice, and was up for a good while each time. (which might just explain the 206.5)
Three of the cats in my house are not feeling well.
Another one of the cats in my house freaked out and ended up making me bleed and ripping a hole in one of my favorite shirts.
I'm just so tired.. of everything. I'm physically tired, but I'm also tired of coming to work, of exercising, of eating "right" of not being able to spend time with my kitties, of being cold, and of getting out of bed in the morning. What I need is a good bout of the N1H1 (or is it H1N1) .. but then again being sick is no cake walk either.
i was so sure that this time it would work. I was certain that I would start losing weight again!! arrgh!
Today is going to be one of the most difficult of days for a variety of reasons. First of all the lying crappy scale that tells me I gained weight. How can I not see that and say to heck with eating right and doing all this exercise. If it is going to be mean to me, it might as well be mean to me for not exercising and eating pie!! But I'm going to be good for two more days. If I still have a crappy number on Saturday I'm having pie.
I didn't sleep well last night. I was awaken twice, and was up for a good while each time. (which might just explain the 206.5)
Three of the cats in my house are not feeling well.
Another one of the cats in my house freaked out and ended up making me bleed and ripping a hole in one of my favorite shirts.
I'm just so tired.. of everything. I'm physically tired, but I'm also tired of coming to work, of exercising, of eating "right" of not being able to spend time with my kitties, of being cold, and of getting out of bed in the morning. What I need is a good bout of the N1H1 (or is it H1N1) .. but then again being sick is no cake walk either.
9.28.2009
205
well 205 is impressive.. seeing it has been a long time since I've been under 206.. We'll see what happens.
I don't really quite understand why this is working. I haven't been overly exhausted lately, (not that I'm not tired, just not overly achingly so) and I even ate only 1000 calories one day this weekend and didn't feel deprived of anything. I made it a point to eat 1200 the next day, but I was forcing it. (ok that isn't really true, but staying with in my healthy food options was what interested me, and I made sure I ate, even though food really wasn't having the same pull it usually does) So I'm just going with it. Maybe I'll get under 200 again (please please please) maybe this won't last through Wednesday (when cat goes in for surgery) who knows.
I really do miss spell check on blogger..
I don't really quite understand why this is working. I haven't been overly exhausted lately, (not that I'm not tired, just not overly achingly so) and I even ate only 1000 calories one day this weekend and didn't feel deprived of anything. I made it a point to eat 1200 the next day, but I was forcing it. (ok that isn't really true, but staying with in my healthy food options was what interested me, and I made sure I ate, even though food really wasn't having the same pull it usually does) So I'm just going with it. Maybe I'll get under 200 again (please please please) maybe this won't last through Wednesday (when cat goes in for surgery) who knows.
I really do miss spell check on blogger..
9.24.2009
206.5
Yup, I was eating too much :) hey, at least this time my body decided to let go of the weight (or water or whatever) Hopefully I can keep up the loss, and maybe (crosses fingers) get under 200lbs again!!
I had a crying fest the other morning. It was so bizzare. I was exercising, and was annoyed that I have to exercise so much (I do it 6 days a week, I think I should do 7, but I rarely do) I don't mind exercising any more. I don't like it, but it is just one of those things now. Well when I was done I felt a huge wash of desperation fill me. I was walking up the stairs when I just sat down sobbing. SOBBING. I hadn't cried like that since we put our cat to sleep. Part of my brain was all awash in sobbing, the other half - the logical reasonable part - was wondering what on earth I was doing? Why was I sitting on the stairs? why was I sobbing for goodness sake, our life is great. Why are you holding your breath? do you realize you look like an idiot? just get up and go about your day, this is totally unnecessary!! Look a cat came to comfort you.. you are starting to worry the cats, stop this you silly git.. etc
The emotional side won out for a while.. saying that crying is cleansing, and maybe there was something that just needed to go.
I've been very much out of sorts since then. This morning was interesting though, as I found a turtle in front of my house. It was a baby (about the size of a deck of cards) snapping turtle. I ran back in the house for my camera and a container to help me move it out of the road. I LOVE turtles.. and I tried to take it as a sign. I've been a little calmer since then.
I'm pretty much of the school of thought that losing weight is going to be an emotional journey for me. I do not know why, maybe my fat cells store hormones of emotions?? I'm just going to try to live with them, and accomidate them the best I can. Do some meditation to get through the worst of the anxiety attacks and the desperation.. pat kittens and find other activities that I enjoy and just keep up the exercise (even though it still fails to boost my endorphine levels)
I've always know I've been different. I mean everywhere I go problems arrise, my files are missing, computers break, etc.. heck I even have negative resistance on my DH's electrical resistance meter doo-hickey.. guess this is just what I have to deal with.
I had a crying fest the other morning. It was so bizzare. I was exercising, and was annoyed that I have to exercise so much (I do it 6 days a week, I think I should do 7, but I rarely do) I don't mind exercising any more. I don't like it, but it is just one of those things now. Well when I was done I felt a huge wash of desperation fill me. I was walking up the stairs when I just sat down sobbing. SOBBING. I hadn't cried like that since we put our cat to sleep. Part of my brain was all awash in sobbing, the other half - the logical reasonable part - was wondering what on earth I was doing? Why was I sitting on the stairs? why was I sobbing for goodness sake, our life is great. Why are you holding your breath? do you realize you look like an idiot? just get up and go about your day, this is totally unnecessary!! Look a cat came to comfort you.. you are starting to worry the cats, stop this you silly git.. etc
The emotional side won out for a while.. saying that crying is cleansing, and maybe there was something that just needed to go.
I've been very much out of sorts since then. This morning was interesting though, as I found a turtle in front of my house. It was a baby (about the size of a deck of cards) snapping turtle. I ran back in the house for my camera and a container to help me move it out of the road. I LOVE turtles.. and I tried to take it as a sign. I've been a little calmer since then.
I'm pretty much of the school of thought that losing weight is going to be an emotional journey for me. I do not know why, maybe my fat cells store hormones of emotions?? I'm just going to try to live with them, and accomidate them the best I can. Do some meditation to get through the worst of the anxiety attacks and the desperation.. pat kittens and find other activities that I enjoy and just keep up the exercise (even though it still fails to boost my endorphine levels)
I've always know I've been different. I mean everywhere I go problems arrise, my files are missing, computers break, etc.. heck I even have negative resistance on my DH's electrical resistance meter doo-hickey.. guess this is just what I have to deal with.
9.22.2009
208.5 - recommitting
Ok. This is getting out of hand. I haven't been really watching what i have been eating lately - and I was stuck at 206 regardless of what I ate for so long, that I've been lax. I have been exercising. I've been experimenting with my exercise too. I have a heart rate monitor and it has been fun watching it and my gowearfit tell me which exercises burn the most calories. Sitting still burns 1.3 calories per minute. Walking on my treadmill on a slight incline (in my target heart rate) burns 5. Jumping on the trampoline burns between 6-9 or more if I'm listening to music - and it takes more and more effort to get into my target heart rate, so I end up burning more calories. I broke out my step the other day because DH wasn't feeling well and wanted to hang out in the basement. I ended up overworking my calf muscle and it still hurts two days later.. and I only burned 5 calories. Oddly enough there didn't seem to be a huge difference in stepping on the lower level than the higher level. Probably because I stepped faster while on the lower level, and harder and slower on the higher..
I am also going to buy a case of the ribose. I'm so surprised at how well it boosts my energy. It is kinda like FRS, but with out the nasty aftertaste, or the limitations of the taste (since it is pretty tasteless)
My body WILL comply. I WILL lose weight. It WILL be healthy and active and HAPPY! or will die trying.. :)
I am also going to buy a case of the ribose. I'm so surprised at how well it boosts my energy. It is kinda like FRS, but with out the nasty aftertaste, or the limitations of the taste (since it is pretty tasteless)
My body WILL comply. I WILL lose weight. It WILL be healthy and active and HAPPY! or will die trying.. :)
9.21.2009
another realization
I think a lot of my mental issues stem from the fact that I am spending a lot of time hiding from the odd emotions that pop up. I will quite often feel anxious, desparate or depressed, and instead of acknowledging those emotions and letting them wash over me and out of me, I start fighting them. My subconcious rational brain starts saying things like "well there is nothing to be anxious about, so I refuse to let you be anxious" so I pretend I'm not anxious, when I am, and it really is stupid.
I'm working on not letting myself fight the emotions. So if I have to spend a few moments in the grocery store looking completely desparate, then I guess that is what I'll have to do..
(and man I REALLY miss spell check!!!)
I'm working on not letting myself fight the emotions. So if I have to spend a few moments in the grocery store looking completely desparate, then I guess that is what I'll have to do..
(and man I REALLY miss spell check!!!)
9.16.2009
food is not addicting.. but gambling...*rolls eyes*
I have to say I am sick and tired of hearing how food is not addicting. But yet gambling and sex and even the internet is.
I'm not saying it is addicting in the traditional sense of say addicting drugs - meaning anyone can get addicted simply by abusing them. But I do believe there are people out there (and I'm not unsure I'm not among them) that are addicted to food and the real and direct pleasures derived from the chemical reactions they get from eating.
I know that I will often have to forgo certain foods because if I start eating them I will not be satisfied with one or two servings (sounds like an addiction to me)
I know there are often times I have to tell my DH to please just pick and make me dinner, because if I start to think about which foods I really want then I will over eat. Having options, and being in close proximity to foods, will cause a chain reaction that always involves my consuming too many calories. But if I just have him make a suitable meal and put it in front of me I will eat it and be satisfied (food as fuel not fun)
At least if I am addicted to food, I'm now in a place where I am able to manage it.. a recovering addict if you will. But I know full well I could easily let myself slide into allowing food to rule my life again. (and it is so hard to not let it when I'm eating healthy and I'm gaining weight)
and I also know that it isn't always about the pure math of calories.. cause if it was I would not be putting on weight. I burn at least 500 calories every day - ok, maybe once a month I eat a little more than normal and I might just break even - more than I'm taking in, and I'm gaining weight. It seems insane. My blood tests are all normal. I'm so aggrevated that there are no answers for me. And since I'm in backwater no where, there aren't all that many options for me in alternative medicines. *sigh* I am going to have to be content with the fact I am treating my body right - even if it isn't right for my body. But since I have no idea what my body wants / needs, I'm just going to have to settle for popular opinion about what I should be doing and hope that eventually my body will accept it.
I'm not saying it is addicting in the traditional sense of say addicting drugs - meaning anyone can get addicted simply by abusing them. But I do believe there are people out there (and I'm not unsure I'm not among them) that are addicted to food and the real and direct pleasures derived from the chemical reactions they get from eating.
I know that I will often have to forgo certain foods because if I start eating them I will not be satisfied with one or two servings (sounds like an addiction to me)
I know there are often times I have to tell my DH to please just pick and make me dinner, because if I start to think about which foods I really want then I will over eat. Having options, and being in close proximity to foods, will cause a chain reaction that always involves my consuming too many calories. But if I just have him make a suitable meal and put it in front of me I will eat it and be satisfied (food as fuel not fun)
At least if I am addicted to food, I'm now in a place where I am able to manage it.. a recovering addict if you will. But I know full well I could easily let myself slide into allowing food to rule my life again. (and it is so hard to not let it when I'm eating healthy and I'm gaining weight)
and I also know that it isn't always about the pure math of calories.. cause if it was I would not be putting on weight. I burn at least 500 calories every day - ok, maybe once a month I eat a little more than normal and I might just break even - more than I'm taking in, and I'm gaining weight. It seems insane. My blood tests are all normal. I'm so aggrevated that there are no answers for me. And since I'm in backwater no where, there aren't all that many options for me in alternative medicines. *sigh* I am going to have to be content with the fact I am treating my body right - even if it isn't right for my body. But since I have no idea what my body wants / needs, I'm just going to have to settle for popular opinion about what I should be doing and hope that eventually my body will accept it.
9.01.2009
emotions stink
I am really reeling with repressed emotions lately. Regrets in my life... stuff I wish I hadn't done. I try to remind myself if I hadn't done it that I would be wondering about doing it and probably regretting not taking the opportunity, but hindsight while being 20/20 is also never kind. Why can't I look at my past with the same rose colored glasses I think others should look at their pasts with??
I'm not going to get into my regrets. I probably should. Not taking them out to air out has just let them fester in my Psyche, and probably is making them worse in my mind than they really are, but they are pretty horrid, and frankly I'm not willing to air them in public. Maybe one day I'll make a post and delete it before posting it just to write them all out, but I doubt it, because the small looks I've been forced to take of them lately just make me all... well emotionally.
Trying not to emotionally eat is also what is prompting me to face these. The weight gain, while I believe is not by my hand - and I do believe it has more to do with physical issues I'm facing - could be aided in the fact that I haven't been really strick with myself. I mean I am burning 2000-2400 calories a day (thank you gowear fit) and I am intentionally eating 1300-1400 calories, so if I have a few bites of my DH's snack, or a scoop of PB or a few extra nuts a day, that is only 300-400 calories, so that is still under what I'm burning. Again, I am the first to admit there are some days where I do go over the 2k in calories, but those are rare. (and according to some weight loss experts necessary)
so I'm sitting here waiting for the results from the latest round of blood work. I had it drawn last friday - which for some reason killed me. I was physically ill the rest of the day. Almost fainted in the store. Sat it rained, so I stayed in bed most of the day. Sun I exercised in the AM and then went to a fair (one from my childhood it is small but it is a fond memory maker to me) and walked around. DH got some apple cobbler with ice cream and I had two small bites of the ice cream. I had forgone lunch so I could eat fair food, but that stupid adult on my shoulder couldn't justify any of the foods for the calories. I had just had fried dough at the last fair (did the same thing, no lunch waiting for fair food, and all I could come up with is carnie dough - as opposed to local people's fair food)
While walking around the fair I had to wonder was it always this small? I mean when I was little it felt so big and so impressive. But then again I was little. Maybe it was better than it was now. I took Dh to it many years ago while we were still dating, and he said it was a little more impressive than it was this time. I don't like my fairs to be all carnie stuff. (stuff that travels from fair to fair simply to be there. I like local groups who make an effort to make nice stuff to sell) When I was little I got a leather key chain with my name on it. My sister got one with her name on it, and my mom got one with her name on it. Mom used hers for years, and I remember it being on her keys for a long time. I didn't have keys for years afterwards, only finding again a few years after moving out and I used it for a while. I don't remember why I stopped. I think I probably changed cars or something, and just used the ring the car key was on (because I have a garage door opener I don't carry a house key - stupid I know.. but ...)
I also remembered being told NO a LOT while at the fair. can't get carnie food, can't spend a lot of money, can't touch this, etc. I couldn't remember if we were ever able to ride rides. Although they might not have had rides back when we first started going (there were only the barest of rides this time, all kiddie rides) I saw two little boys in a red wagon with two bags of popcorn and two bags of cotton candy, and I couldn't help but thinking THAT was the way to see the fair. I am sure that was never me. Certainly not two options of goodies.. and I doubt that once I was able to walk that I would have ever been given the option to ride.
But then I got to thinking, which option is best? I mean the kid in me likes the wagon idea.. but is spoiling the kids really ok? Is that spoiling? or is that a "this is a once a year thing, so have fun" kind of event. Is that an ok thing? Don't know, I don't have kids. Would letting them double fist it at the fair lead to them complaining for goodies other times? *shrug*
I am sad that I wasn't allowed more as a child. I do feel I was deprived - be it because my parents were poor or because they just didn't want to spoil me. I don't know. Regardless I think they did it wrong. I felt they didn't give me what I wanted just to spite me - which is never a good way to feel as a kid. There had to be a better way to explain things to a kid so they don't feel so extraneous
To this day I still feel that way. doesn't matter if I'm achieving great things, or if I'm just sitting wallowing in my misery. I often feel that people would be happier if I just wasn't around. Doesn't matter what the truth is, it is how I feel. Fortunately I know what the truth is, and some how I accept it on faith.
I'm just really glad I left my money at home today or I'd be walking down to the bakery for a big ol slice of something totally not on my diet.
I'm not going to get into my regrets. I probably should. Not taking them out to air out has just let them fester in my Psyche, and probably is making them worse in my mind than they really are, but they are pretty horrid, and frankly I'm not willing to air them in public. Maybe one day I'll make a post and delete it before posting it just to write them all out, but I doubt it, because the small looks I've been forced to take of them lately just make me all... well emotionally.
Trying not to emotionally eat is also what is prompting me to face these. The weight gain, while I believe is not by my hand - and I do believe it has more to do with physical issues I'm facing - could be aided in the fact that I haven't been really strick with myself. I mean I am burning 2000-2400 calories a day (thank you gowear fit) and I am intentionally eating 1300-1400 calories, so if I have a few bites of my DH's snack, or a scoop of PB or a few extra nuts a day, that is only 300-400 calories, so that is still under what I'm burning. Again, I am the first to admit there are some days where I do go over the 2k in calories, but those are rare. (and according to some weight loss experts necessary)
so I'm sitting here waiting for the results from the latest round of blood work. I had it drawn last friday - which for some reason killed me. I was physically ill the rest of the day. Almost fainted in the store. Sat it rained, so I stayed in bed most of the day. Sun I exercised in the AM and then went to a fair (one from my childhood it is small but it is a fond memory maker to me) and walked around. DH got some apple cobbler with ice cream and I had two small bites of the ice cream. I had forgone lunch so I could eat fair food, but that stupid adult on my shoulder couldn't justify any of the foods for the calories. I had just had fried dough at the last fair (did the same thing, no lunch waiting for fair food, and all I could come up with is carnie dough - as opposed to local people's fair food)
While walking around the fair I had to wonder was it always this small? I mean when I was little it felt so big and so impressive. But then again I was little. Maybe it was better than it was now. I took Dh to it many years ago while we were still dating, and he said it was a little more impressive than it was this time. I don't like my fairs to be all carnie stuff. (stuff that travels from fair to fair simply to be there. I like local groups who make an effort to make nice stuff to sell) When I was little I got a leather key chain with my name on it. My sister got one with her name on it, and my mom got one with her name on it. Mom used hers for years, and I remember it being on her keys for a long time. I didn't have keys for years afterwards, only finding again a few years after moving out and I used it for a while. I don't remember why I stopped. I think I probably changed cars or something, and just used the ring the car key was on (because I have a garage door opener I don't carry a house key - stupid I know.. but ...)
I also remembered being told NO a LOT while at the fair. can't get carnie food, can't spend a lot of money, can't touch this, etc. I couldn't remember if we were ever able to ride rides. Although they might not have had rides back when we first started going (there were only the barest of rides this time, all kiddie rides) I saw two little boys in a red wagon with two bags of popcorn and two bags of cotton candy, and I couldn't help but thinking THAT was the way to see the fair. I am sure that was never me. Certainly not two options of goodies.. and I doubt that once I was able to walk that I would have ever been given the option to ride.
But then I got to thinking, which option is best? I mean the kid in me likes the wagon idea.. but is spoiling the kids really ok? Is that spoiling? or is that a "this is a once a year thing, so have fun" kind of event. Is that an ok thing? Don't know, I don't have kids. Would letting them double fist it at the fair lead to them complaining for goodies other times? *shrug*
I am sad that I wasn't allowed more as a child. I do feel I was deprived - be it because my parents were poor or because they just didn't want to spoil me. I don't know. Regardless I think they did it wrong. I felt they didn't give me what I wanted just to spite me - which is never a good way to feel as a kid. There had to be a better way to explain things to a kid so they don't feel so extraneous
To this day I still feel that way. doesn't matter if I'm achieving great things, or if I'm just sitting wallowing in my misery. I often feel that people would be happier if I just wasn't around. Doesn't matter what the truth is, it is how I feel. Fortunately I know what the truth is, and some how I accept it on faith.
I'm just really glad I left my money at home today or I'd be walking down to the bakery for a big ol slice of something totally not on my diet.
8.27.2009
a flurry of unnameable emotions
I'm sitting here at work feeling.... well unnameable emotions. it isn't that I don't want to name them, but more I can't sort out the mess of emotions to name any of them. Maybe some anxiety, maybe some grief for my loss of (does loss or weight loss make sense?) some helplessness and a lot of frustration.. among probably a dozen others
I went to the endocrinologist yesterday. He checked over the blood work my dr did, and said everything seems normal. He ordered the tests to be done again, but if they come back normal I'm pretty much up a creek with out a paddle. There are no other traditional avenues for me to explore for my issues.
I don't know what I want to happen from these tests I'll have run on Friday. I mean if my thyroid is whacked, then great I have an answer, but then I have to go on medication.. if it isn't, then I have nothing. I'm just going to keep gaining weight.
When I asked the dr what would be next if everything came out normal his answer was diet and exercise. I wanted to hit him.. badly. If it were simply a question of my not exercising or eating more than I burn in a day I wouldn't be wasting my time or his or wasting my blood with these freakin tests.. I aim to eat about 1200-1500 calories, and yes, I do have a handful of nuts or a cookie in addition to my planned calories, but I'm burning 2200 calories a day.. so I am in a calorie deficit each and every day *save for occasional oh puck it days* it is just so frustrating to be eating healthy, to be avoiding all the yummy goodies of the world, and to be gaining weight. Heck I would be happy if I had just stopped losing weight when I was at 187. (ok that's a lie. I wanted very much to be in the 170s) Dr talked about how when you get older it is difficult to lose weight - and again I wanted to hit him because not being able to lose weight is not my main issue. (see being happy stuck at 187)
I'm at the point that if everything comes back as 'normal' I'm just going to go to the plastic surgeon and have my arms cut off and lipo done on as many areas as I can afford. If I suck out half the fat cells then my body has to work extra hard to rebuild them.. so maybe that will give me a few more years at a smaller size, and hopefully I'll be 50ish by the time I gain weight back.. (although who am I kidding, I'm not going to be happy about being fat when I'm 50)
*sigh*
doesn't help that I'm sitting here in a pair of jeans that I had to buy because my butt got too big for my skinny (ok so 187 isn't skinny but it is for me) pants. It just breaks my heart. Having done all the work, and doing all the work.. and it just not working. It feels a little bit like moving a beach one grain of sand at a time - but even then I would have a pile of sand in the new location to look at. I suppose it is like trying to move a beach one grain of sand at a time in a wind storm.. after not sleeping for three weeks, and it is winter..
I went to the endocrinologist yesterday. He checked over the blood work my dr did, and said everything seems normal. He ordered the tests to be done again, but if they come back normal I'm pretty much up a creek with out a paddle. There are no other traditional avenues for me to explore for my issues.
I don't know what I want to happen from these tests I'll have run on Friday. I mean if my thyroid is whacked, then great I have an answer, but then I have to go on medication.. if it isn't, then I have nothing. I'm just going to keep gaining weight.
When I asked the dr what would be next if everything came out normal his answer was diet and exercise. I wanted to hit him.. badly. If it were simply a question of my not exercising or eating more than I burn in a day I wouldn't be wasting my time or his or wasting my blood with these freakin tests.. I aim to eat about 1200-1500 calories, and yes, I do have a handful of nuts or a cookie in addition to my planned calories, but I'm burning 2200 calories a day.. so I am in a calorie deficit each and every day *save for occasional oh puck it days* it is just so frustrating to be eating healthy, to be avoiding all the yummy goodies of the world, and to be gaining weight. Heck I would be happy if I had just stopped losing weight when I was at 187. (ok that's a lie. I wanted very much to be in the 170s) Dr talked about how when you get older it is difficult to lose weight - and again I wanted to hit him because not being able to lose weight is not my main issue. (see being happy stuck at 187)
I'm at the point that if everything comes back as 'normal' I'm just going to go to the plastic surgeon and have my arms cut off and lipo done on as many areas as I can afford. If I suck out half the fat cells then my body has to work extra hard to rebuild them.. so maybe that will give me a few more years at a smaller size, and hopefully I'll be 50ish by the time I gain weight back.. (although who am I kidding, I'm not going to be happy about being fat when I'm 50)
*sigh*
doesn't help that I'm sitting here in a pair of jeans that I had to buy because my butt got too big for my skinny (ok so 187 isn't skinny but it is for me) pants. It just breaks my heart. Having done all the work, and doing all the work.. and it just not working. It feels a little bit like moving a beach one grain of sand at a time - but even then I would have a pile of sand in the new location to look at. I suppose it is like trying to move a beach one grain of sand at a time in a wind storm.. after not sleeping for three weeks, and it is winter..
8.17.2009
hair cut
got my haircut this weekend. DH didn't notice. I had four inches taken off, so I would think it would be noticable. Well I come in to work this morning, and no one else notices either. So I think he's off the hook.
weirndess in threes
Now this is has turned into a pretty odd day for me. Started out as I was leaving for work. A clover blossom caught my eye, and I thought i would pick it for the rabbit. I picked it, and saw another, so I went over and picked that too, and then noticed a hole in my driveway. Ok technically it is the asphalt that goes from the driveway to the porch. There is no aspholt in the hole at all. Like someone picked it up and carried it away - but it is in the middle of the walk. It was very very odd. The dirt and rocks in the hole were almost up to the level of the asphalt, and looked like someone had dug a small hole there - about the size of three soda cans tops.
So then I head off to work, and when I stop I walk around the front of my car and notice a ding in the headlight glass. Only problem is the ding is on the INSIDE of the glass, so from the outside it is smooth. I have never noticed this before.
Lastly, I ended up in the bathroom, and realized I had a piece of paper stuck to my behind. No idea how it got there, as this particular piece of paper has been in the middle of a stack of papers that was in the kitchen for quite some time.
I'm done with the weirdness for today :)
So then I head off to work, and when I stop I walk around the front of my car and notice a ding in the headlight glass. Only problem is the ding is on the INSIDE of the glass, so from the outside it is smooth. I have never noticed this before.
Lastly, I ended up in the bathroom, and realized I had a piece of paper stuck to my behind. No idea how it got there, as this particular piece of paper has been in the middle of a stack of papers that was in the kitchen for quite some time.
I'm done with the weirdness for today :)
8.12.2009
BMI and fat % confusion
Ok, now I am very very confused.
I have always guaged what I should weigh by my BMI. For my height, 18.5-24.9 (normal range) means that I need to weigh 159 or less. (and to think my mother put me on a diet when I was 150!!)
anyway.. My digital body fat % scale says my current body fat % is 30.5. Normal is 15-23%
So I'm only 7% away from normal? that doesn't make sence, because that is a loss of 14lbs (give or take)
so lets just pretend I lose that weight, that makes me 186, which is pretty darn far away from the 159 the BMI says I should be.
So what's with me? Am I retaining water? Do I have an adema (or several? My thighs and arms are highly distended) or is my digital scale just wrong?
where on earth do I get answers for these questions?
I have always guaged what I should weigh by my BMI. For my height, 18.5-24.9 (normal range) means that I need to weigh 159 or less. (and to think my mother put me on a diet when I was 150!!)
anyway.. My digital body fat % scale says my current body fat % is 30.5. Normal is 15-23%
So I'm only 7% away from normal? that doesn't make sence, because that is a loss of 14lbs (give or take)
so lets just pretend I lose that weight, that makes me 186, which is pretty darn far away from the 159 the BMI says I should be.
So what's with me? Am I retaining water? Do I have an adema (or several? My thighs and arms are highly distended) or is my digital scale just wrong?
where on earth do I get answers for these questions?
8.10.2009
I hate worms!
so I cleaned up the foster kitten room the other day, and realized there was a plate of food that I had taken up since no one had eaten it and put aside and forgot about. I had no idea how old it was, but it was probably at least several days.
I went to scrape the food out of it and into the trash when the smell of the rotted food hit me. It didn't seem that bad when I picked it up, so I took another look at it (big mistake) and it MOVED!! some how I didn't scream, but was able to take another look. There were several small white worms (probably maggots since the room recently had several flies in it) I almost hurled. Fortunately my husband was home and he was able to deal with it for me.
Seems every August we have the same issues with the kitten room. Too hot, too many flies, too smelly, fleas... I hope I never have to add too many worms!!
I went to scrape the food out of it and into the trash when the smell of the rotted food hit me. It didn't seem that bad when I picked it up, so I took another look at it (big mistake) and it MOVED!! some how I didn't scream, but was able to take another look. There were several small white worms (probably maggots since the room recently had several flies in it) I almost hurled. Fortunately my husband was home and he was able to deal with it for me.
Seems every August we have the same issues with the kitten room. Too hot, too many flies, too smelly, fleas... I hope I never have to add too many worms!!
8.04.2009
dream
i remember walking into a home/confrence center. It had double french doors, and felt like a home, but it had chairs set up for a confrence / meeting. a guy who looked like Jay Mohr was in the back roaw and was hitting on a girl in the row in front of him. She started giving his speil right along with him, then several girls in each row also joined in, almost making it a song - as if he constantly hit on girls and forgot who he hit on. I shook my head and then went to the front row where an overweight woman was talking to someone I was going to sit next to about how pantyhose tear up the inside of her knees and calfs. I was surprised because when I wear pantyhose it tears up the inside of my inner thighs.
Instead of sitting down I was distracted into another conversation. turns out I was to fly out to Paris that afternoon. I walked outside and realized I was on a commercial boat dock. a large yaht was coming into port VERY fast, but it handled and turned well enough to handle the turns as it needed to turn down a narrow channel. I was standing on a floating dock, and several guys thought it would be funny to use the wake to raise one side of it, so I had to lean back very far - almost as if standing on a wall. A dock master came by and asked if I needed any help - to which I said I only needed the morons at the end to be arrested.
I got off the dock, and I was in the airport. A guy I knew started flirting with me, and I suggested he buy a ticket to Paris and come with us (as it was a group of us going to Paris) and I pulled up my ID badge hanging around my neck - which had an IPhone attached and I searched to see if a seat was available. He realized he needed something out of his car and ran off. As I waited - a family member (unknown to awake me) said they needed my help. They had a tote of guinea pigs. Apparently they (she and her man) tried to breed them, but got overwhelmed. I went with her and ended up back in the home (??) that had hundreds of pigs in them ranging in sizes from tiny dwarf pigs to big chunky pigs. The little ones were nasty and several of them either tried or did bite me. I ended up with a tote of pigs to be examined by a vet to be neutered, and along with the pigs were many rolls of parchment paper.
at which point I woke up.
very very confused.
Instead of sitting down I was distracted into another conversation. turns out I was to fly out to Paris that afternoon. I walked outside and realized I was on a commercial boat dock. a large yaht was coming into port VERY fast, but it handled and turned well enough to handle the turns as it needed to turn down a narrow channel. I was standing on a floating dock, and several guys thought it would be funny to use the wake to raise one side of it, so I had to lean back very far - almost as if standing on a wall. A dock master came by and asked if I needed any help - to which I said I only needed the morons at the end to be arrested.
I got off the dock, and I was in the airport. A guy I knew started flirting with me, and I suggested he buy a ticket to Paris and come with us (as it was a group of us going to Paris) and I pulled up my ID badge hanging around my neck - which had an IPhone attached and I searched to see if a seat was available. He realized he needed something out of his car and ran off. As I waited - a family member (unknown to awake me) said they needed my help. They had a tote of guinea pigs. Apparently they (she and her man) tried to breed them, but got overwhelmed. I went with her and ended up back in the home (??) that had hundreds of pigs in them ranging in sizes from tiny dwarf pigs to big chunky pigs. The little ones were nasty and several of them either tried or did bite me. I ended up with a tote of pigs to be examined by a vet to be neutered, and along with the pigs were many rolls of parchment paper.
at which point I woke up.
very very confused.
7.16.2009
the point of "news"
So I was watching the morning TV "news" shows, and all over it was the newly released video of Michael Jackson's Pepsi commercial - you know the one where his hair caught on fire?
Why were we watching that? What was the point of it? What were we supposed to glean/learn/understand from watching him burn for 10 seconds *complete with a count down clock!!!*?? Yes, this might have been his undoing, by starting him on the road to addiction to pain killers. Must stop drinking Pepsi (oh wait, I don't drink soda) as it is all their fault! NOT.
It was pure sensationalism. Putting on the TV the video simply so we could watch him burn. It was disgusting.
So I leave and go to work. I tried to get on twitter and it was down, and so was another message board I frequent, and I wondered if something happened while I drove into work. So I went to MSNBC.com to see what was on the news. There was nothing worth Twitter going down, so I scanned the rest of the headlines. There on the front page was a horrific story about animal abuse by a teen (and no not the one in FL). I won't even repost it because it was so horrific to me that I simply wanted to vomit. I had to go interrupt a co worker and try to get my mind off it. Fortunately someone walked by outside with a puppy, and that was able to settle me a little.
But seriously, what is the point of posting that? I understand the one in FL, as it is a warning to other residence that this is occurring. But this teen was already convicted of the crime when they posted the article. If perchance this teen got an unconventional sentence, I could see that, but it was pretty ordinary - save for the horrific ending of the poor kitty.
I am really starting to hate "news" programs. If they had actual news, stuff that matters to life, that is one thing, but pure sensationalism belongs on infotainment shows..
I guess I have to realize that morning news programs and MSNBC are infotainment.
(kinda impressed that blogger can spell infotainment - since I can't)
Why were we watching that? What was the point of it? What were we supposed to glean/learn/understand from watching him burn for 10 seconds *complete with a count down clock!!!*?? Yes, this might have been his undoing, by starting him on the road to addiction to pain killers. Must stop drinking Pepsi (oh wait, I don't drink soda) as it is all their fault! NOT.
It was pure sensationalism. Putting on the TV the video simply so we could watch him burn. It was disgusting.
So I leave and go to work. I tried to get on twitter and it was down, and so was another message board I frequent, and I wondered if something happened while I drove into work. So I went to MSNBC.com to see what was on the news. There was nothing worth Twitter going down, so I scanned the rest of the headlines. There on the front page was a horrific story about animal abuse by a teen (and no not the one in FL). I won't even repost it because it was so horrific to me that I simply wanted to vomit. I had to go interrupt a co worker and try to get my mind off it. Fortunately someone walked by outside with a puppy, and that was able to settle me a little.
But seriously, what is the point of posting that? I understand the one in FL, as it is a warning to other residence that this is occurring. But this teen was already convicted of the crime when they posted the article. If perchance this teen got an unconventional sentence, I could see that, but it was pretty ordinary - save for the horrific ending of the poor kitty.
I am really starting to hate "news" programs. If they had actual news, stuff that matters to life, that is one thing, but pure sensationalism belongs on infotainment shows..
I guess I have to realize that morning news programs and MSNBC are infotainment.
(kinda impressed that blogger can spell infotainment - since I can't)
7.07.2009
Michael Jackson
I know it has been two weeks since MJ died. Oddly so many weird thoughts and emotions have visited me since then. I wanted to say something but didn't know what.
I'm currently at work watching the memorial. The stream is choppy and cuts out a lot. and that is ok.
MJ was one of my first ... what.. Idol? no. hero? no.. but he was one of the first people outside of my immediate world to matter to me. Sadly my mother thought that was just amusing and made fun of me to no end for liking him.
I remember taking his tape to sleep away camp, and listening on my walkman to fall asleep.
as someone who was "odd" with in her own world, I can understand MJ a little bit more than those who weren't. I'm not saying I understand him, nor the choices he made. But I do understand wanting to make them.
What I don't get are his brothers at this memorial. What on earth is with those fake gloves?? how pathetic. Couldn't they invest in real ones? I do like the matching outfits though :)
so MJ.. I pray for peace for you. May you be enjoying God's blessings and have moved beyond all the hurt this world gave you. Thank you for the memories and the good you did despite your naysayers.
I'm currently at work watching the memorial. The stream is choppy and cuts out a lot. and that is ok.
MJ was one of my first ... what.. Idol? no. hero? no.. but he was one of the first people outside of my immediate world to matter to me. Sadly my mother thought that was just amusing and made fun of me to no end for liking him.
I remember taking his tape to sleep away camp, and listening on my walkman to fall asleep.
as someone who was "odd" with in her own world, I can understand MJ a little bit more than those who weren't. I'm not saying I understand him, nor the choices he made. But I do understand wanting to make them.
What I don't get are his brothers at this memorial. What on earth is with those fake gloves?? how pathetic. Couldn't they invest in real ones? I do like the matching outfits though :)
so MJ.. I pray for peace for you. May you be enjoying God's blessings and have moved beyond all the hurt this world gave you. Thank you for the memories and the good you did despite your naysayers.
6.23.2009
Happy Friggen Birthday to me
arrgh. You know, in the history of my life, it is going to say that the first 20 years I shared my birthday with my sister, then the next 10 years I saw weird wild life for my birthday (rabbits, skunks, moose, quail, etc. Stuff you don't see every day came out to say hi on my birthday for every single birthday in my 20s) and my 30s apparently are the birthdays that suck.
This year my birthday had to be postponed because my MIL, who is not of good health or true sound mind, is in a situation. She's being cared for by one of my SILs and the SIL is overwhelmed. She's also the only one who is completely against a nursing home or any other type of care where MIL is not at home.
Well SIL is now dealing with health issues, and a son who is dating a hoodlum who we are all pretty sure basically assaulted the MIL (nothing HUGE, but pretty disturbing regardless) To me what is most disturbing is the SIL's granddaughter thought what happened was 'cool'. I mentioned that maybe a phone call to the police and a report being taken might help. It would certainly put this girl on notice, and it would show the younger girl that the family takes this seriously, but I think the family fears that calling the police would put SIL on the defensive.
sigh
so any suggestions I make are met with hostility. DH gets very defensive. more sighing.
so I'm back to giving up.. which actually helped me understand what I mean when I say I'm giving up.
apparently deep down I feel the need to control life. (not that I was trying to control the situation with MIL, just made a suggestion, and the hostility I was met with was hard) when things aren't going as I want them to, I get very very frustrated. I suppose it is a good thing I can "give up" and let go and let things take the course they are taking, as oppose to continuing to fight what is happening in my life and trying to force it all to fit a square peg in a round hole, but it was definitely an interesting observation I made about myself. Never really noticed I was wanting to control the events around me.
I also noticed recently I am extremely judgemental. I do know that from time to time (particularly when I'm feeling poorly about myself) that I will mentally put other people down. I wonder how they could possibly walk out of the house looking like they do, don't they own a mirror, etc. Sometimes I feel bad about it afterwards, but sometimes the people in question are basically wearing stuff you couldn't even donate to good will and seem to be asking for such a judgement. I keep my thoughts to myself (or share with DH) and would never be rude to anyone because of how they were dressed...etc.
But this weekend I saw a very pretty woman all dressed up as if going into an office environment. I thought she was very pretty. Then I saw a very tall thin boy who had a container of cookies. He was VERY thin, and had pants that were too big for him that were old and scruffy, and a scruffy tshirt and some sort of hat on that would have been appropriate for winter. I had to wonder if he was some sort of hoodlum for dressing like that, and wondered how he got those cookies. As I was leaving I noticed the boy caught up with a man who was wearing the same kind of scruffy clothing, and who hadn't shaved. A moment later the pretty woman joined them, and they all got into a car together. My brain couldn't help but wonder what she was doing with them
pretty quickly though I caught myself. The men could be getting ready to do manual labor for the weekend just as the woman was getting out of work and was about to put on scruffy clothes herself etc. I can't judge how nice or how horrid these people are based simply on their clothing. I don't think it is completely wrong to make judgements by what people are wearing, because they choose to present themselves to the world this way making a statement by the clothing they wear. I don't think I was wrong to wonder if the boy had stolen the cookies. I would have been wrong to assume he had and do something about it. Just as I don't think i would have been wrong to be cautious about my security if it had been night and dark and there had been no one else around. This boy presented a 'hoodlum' face to the world and I don't think I was wrong to make assessments on that, but I should not judge the woman for being with these people - which is what I started to do. They might be absolutely wonderful guys who care deeply about her and take very good care of one another. They might clean up just handsomely and be on the same level of dress as she does on many occasions.
I mentioned my judgementalness to my husband, and how I shouldn't have thought she shouldn't have been with them based on their different choices of clothing options. DH apparently didn't realize that we tend to dress on the same level of respect at the same time. If one of us is scruffy, we usually are both scruffy. It is rare that one of us is all dressed up and the other is scruffy.
I don't think I'm explaining this very well, but that's ok. I know what I'm talking about and how I need to learn to be a little more accepting at first blush, and not chide myself into it.
I'm also finding myself dwelling on the negative a bit more than I would like. Sometimes it is just hard. Misery loves company but happiness stands alone.
but hey, I did burn almost 3,000 calories yesterday.. worked off the office birthday cake :D
This year my birthday had to be postponed because my MIL, who is not of good health or true sound mind, is in a situation. She's being cared for by one of my SILs and the SIL is overwhelmed. She's also the only one who is completely against a nursing home or any other type of care where MIL is not at home.
Well SIL is now dealing with health issues, and a son who is dating a hoodlum who we are all pretty sure basically assaulted the MIL (nothing HUGE, but pretty disturbing regardless) To me what is most disturbing is the SIL's granddaughter thought what happened was 'cool'. I mentioned that maybe a phone call to the police and a report being taken might help. It would certainly put this girl on notice, and it would show the younger girl that the family takes this seriously, but I think the family fears that calling the police would put SIL on the defensive.
sigh
so any suggestions I make are met with hostility. DH gets very defensive. more sighing.
so I'm back to giving up.. which actually helped me understand what I mean when I say I'm giving up.
apparently deep down I feel the need to control life. (not that I was trying to control the situation with MIL, just made a suggestion, and the hostility I was met with was hard) when things aren't going as I want them to, I get very very frustrated. I suppose it is a good thing I can "give up" and let go and let things take the course they are taking, as oppose to continuing to fight what is happening in my life and trying to force it all to fit a square peg in a round hole, but it was definitely an interesting observation I made about myself. Never really noticed I was wanting to control the events around me.
I also noticed recently I am extremely judgemental. I do know that from time to time (particularly when I'm feeling poorly about myself) that I will mentally put other people down. I wonder how they could possibly walk out of the house looking like they do, don't they own a mirror, etc. Sometimes I feel bad about it afterwards, but sometimes the people in question are basically wearing stuff you couldn't even donate to good will and seem to be asking for such a judgement. I keep my thoughts to myself (or share with DH) and would never be rude to anyone because of how they were dressed...etc.
But this weekend I saw a very pretty woman all dressed up as if going into an office environment. I thought she was very pretty. Then I saw a very tall thin boy who had a container of cookies. He was VERY thin, and had pants that were too big for him that were old and scruffy, and a scruffy tshirt and some sort of hat on that would have been appropriate for winter. I had to wonder if he was some sort of hoodlum for dressing like that, and wondered how he got those cookies. As I was leaving I noticed the boy caught up with a man who was wearing the same kind of scruffy clothing, and who hadn't shaved. A moment later the pretty woman joined them, and they all got into a car together. My brain couldn't help but wonder what she was doing with them
pretty quickly though I caught myself. The men could be getting ready to do manual labor for the weekend just as the woman was getting out of work and was about to put on scruffy clothes herself etc. I can't judge how nice or how horrid these people are based simply on their clothing. I don't think it is completely wrong to make judgements by what people are wearing, because they choose to present themselves to the world this way making a statement by the clothing they wear. I don't think I was wrong to wonder if the boy had stolen the cookies. I would have been wrong to assume he had and do something about it. Just as I don't think i would have been wrong to be cautious about my security if it had been night and dark and there had been no one else around. This boy presented a 'hoodlum' face to the world and I don't think I was wrong to make assessments on that, but I should not judge the woman for being with these people - which is what I started to do. They might be absolutely wonderful guys who care deeply about her and take very good care of one another. They might clean up just handsomely and be on the same level of dress as she does on many occasions.
I mentioned my judgementalness to my husband, and how I shouldn't have thought she shouldn't have been with them based on their different choices of clothing options. DH apparently didn't realize that we tend to dress on the same level of respect at the same time. If one of us is scruffy, we usually are both scruffy. It is rare that one of us is all dressed up and the other is scruffy.
I don't think I'm explaining this very well, but that's ok. I know what I'm talking about and how I need to learn to be a little more accepting at first blush, and not chide myself into it.
I'm also finding myself dwelling on the negative a bit more than I would like. Sometimes it is just hard. Misery loves company but happiness stands alone.
but hey, I did burn almost 3,000 calories yesterday.. worked off the office birthday cake :D
6.15.2009
Positive thinking
I haven't done this in a while, purposfully posted about positive things in my life. I'm not doing too bad trying to focus on the positive. It is so hard when the chemical imbalance in my brain says 'life sucks, it is a big black hole, you'll never make it' sort of stuff. I keep telling myself I do not need to listen, I try redirecting my thoughts to the positive, which is a little easier now that I have a friend back in my life.
I had a little revalation a while back. I often pray when I'm lost, and I am forced to remind myself that when I feel like I am adrift in the world, it is only because my back is turned to my Rock. I am still achored, I am still loved, but I am not in a position to see it either by choice or by circumstance. I remind myself that it is still there.
That thought turned to past friendships, and how people leave me. Seems people always leave, and it hurts when they do, but I had to wonder how many times people have 'left' only to have me turn my back on the friendship too. did the friendship seem to end because I turned away? Am I too quick to consider a friendship ended simply because that is what I'm used to and so there for I turn away at the first inkling?
I honestly do not know the answer to this, as I have always thought I was always there for people I considered a friend. Maybe I'm not. I don't turn my back, but I can be slow to reach out when things drift.
So anyway.. it was something for me to think about.
Things I am currently grateful for:
clearance stores
size 12 jeans
weighing under 200lbs this morning. (198.5 to be exact!!)
Premade salads and pre-portioned frozen fruits for smoothies (even if I had to do it)
my boss being totally ok with the fact that I was an hour late this morning (I could have made it on time, but I wouldn't have had my shower - and I oh so needed a shower)
I had a little revalation a while back. I often pray when I'm lost, and I am forced to remind myself that when I feel like I am adrift in the world, it is only because my back is turned to my Rock. I am still achored, I am still loved, but I am not in a position to see it either by choice or by circumstance. I remind myself that it is still there.
That thought turned to past friendships, and how people leave me. Seems people always leave, and it hurts when they do, but I had to wonder how many times people have 'left' only to have me turn my back on the friendship too. did the friendship seem to end because I turned away? Am I too quick to consider a friendship ended simply because that is what I'm used to and so there for I turn away at the first inkling?
I honestly do not know the answer to this, as I have always thought I was always there for people I considered a friend. Maybe I'm not. I don't turn my back, but I can be slow to reach out when things drift.
So anyway.. it was something for me to think about.
Things I am currently grateful for:
clearance stores
size 12 jeans
weighing under 200lbs this morning. (198.5 to be exact!!)
Premade salads and pre-portioned frozen fruits for smoothies (even if I had to do it)
my boss being totally ok with the fact that I was an hour late this morning (I could have made it on time, but I wouldn't have had my shower - and I oh so needed a shower)
dreams that wake you
Don't you just hate them? Although the good dreams that wake me aren't so bad, but the ones that just freak you out so much you wake up all freaked out. What gets me is I can remember being totally freaked out, but once I was awakened I couldn't imagine why I was so freaked... i've watched way worse on TV
Started out we were in the hosptial for my MIL (in real life she's been on her last leg for a couple of years now and had issues this weekend) and then my DH had an asthma attack and ended up being admitted too. Then I came down with breathing issues, and they put me in a different room and hooked me up to some tube that came out of the wall. Some how the tube was long enough that I could walk down the hall and check on my DH. on the way back I lifted up the tube to go around someone but despite my being careful I got it caught on another patient - who proceeded to yell at me for not being careful until I explained the situation, to which they just proceeded to be quite - not apologising, just shutting up. I walked back to my room and watched the TV display (think NYC Times Square) and there was someone who was stomping on the screen. The stomping led to the building cracking and people falling from one level to another. The stomping also opened up a huge crator in the ground. I was then outside in this crater but safe. I was just below the ground level and I watched a mother and child falling into the crater. The little girl tried to hold on, but the mother pulled her down, and together they fell in. I believe it was the act of the mother pulling her child away from safety that woke me.
I was able to get back to sleep ok, and proceeded to have another dream just as I was awakened again. Not sure if it was because a cat walked over me, or my DH's alarm went off, or what. I remember it was a nice dream though. Just wish I could remember it.
Started out we were in the hosptial for my MIL (in real life she's been on her last leg for a couple of years now and had issues this weekend) and then my DH had an asthma attack and ended up being admitted too. Then I came down with breathing issues, and they put me in a different room and hooked me up to some tube that came out of the wall. Some how the tube was long enough that I could walk down the hall and check on my DH. on the way back I lifted up the tube to go around someone but despite my being careful I got it caught on another patient - who proceeded to yell at me for not being careful until I explained the situation, to which they just proceeded to be quite - not apologising, just shutting up. I walked back to my room and watched the TV display (think NYC Times Square) and there was someone who was stomping on the screen. The stomping led to the building cracking and people falling from one level to another. The stomping also opened up a huge crator in the ground. I was then outside in this crater but safe. I was just below the ground level and I watched a mother and child falling into the crater. The little girl tried to hold on, but the mother pulled her down, and together they fell in. I believe it was the act of the mother pulling her child away from safety that woke me.
I was able to get back to sleep ok, and proceeded to have another dream just as I was awakened again. Not sure if it was because a cat walked over me, or my DH's alarm went off, or what. I remember it was a nice dream though. Just wish I could remember it.
6.09.2009
rainy day
Well it is raining again, and shall do so for the rest of the week.
i actually like rain. I don't much enjoy a cold rain - which is what we are dealing with, but I'm indoors near my little heater, so not much to complain about. it is a little difficult to go out and go for my walk, but that's ok. It's an act of God. :)
I have been achy lately too. I have been sleeping pretty horribly. Getting no more than two hours before waking up. I don't much remember it, but I am feeling it. OTC sleeping aids and generic ambien are not helping. two more weeks till my blood test, and then we'll have some more answers (hopefully) this is starting to get troubling.
I've also been exercising pretty well. According to my GoWear Fit, I've been burning about 2400 a day. I stopped recording my food over the weekend cause... well frankly because I made a few of my own meals and it was just too much thinking to think of every little ingredient to record. I'll start up again in a day or two so that I have some nice records to bring to the endocrinologist that I'm pretty certain I'm going to be refered to.
Going out to dinner with my husband and his friend this evening. Being as anti-social as I am I'm not looking forward to this, but trying to put a good spin on it I know it will be good for me to be social. You never know, his wife and I might just hit it off (postive thinking positive thinking, positive thinking) but this ache in my bones is making looking forward to this kinda hard.
i actually like rain. I don't much enjoy a cold rain - which is what we are dealing with, but I'm indoors near my little heater, so not much to complain about. it is a little difficult to go out and go for my walk, but that's ok. It's an act of God. :)
I have been achy lately too. I have been sleeping pretty horribly. Getting no more than two hours before waking up. I don't much remember it, but I am feeling it. OTC sleeping aids and generic ambien are not helping. two more weeks till my blood test, and then we'll have some more answers (hopefully) this is starting to get troubling.
I've also been exercising pretty well. According to my GoWear Fit, I've been burning about 2400 a day. I stopped recording my food over the weekend cause... well frankly because I made a few of my own meals and it was just too much thinking to think of every little ingredient to record. I'll start up again in a day or two so that I have some nice records to bring to the endocrinologist that I'm pretty certain I'm going to be refered to.
Going out to dinner with my husband and his friend this evening. Being as anti-social as I am I'm not looking forward to this, but trying to put a good spin on it I know it will be good for me to be social. You never know, his wife and I might just hit it off (postive thinking positive thinking, positive thinking) but this ache in my bones is making looking forward to this kinda hard.
6.04.2009
forcing - no, encouraging myself to think positive
Rough day today, I woke up at 3am and didn't get back to sleep until almost right before I had to get up and go to work. I didn't get my morning exercise in, and I've been fighting a headache all day - not to mention I have an extreme case of the munchies.. so, I am going to turn this around..
I got to spend quality time with my kitties who really appreciate my time and energy, I got to spend time snuggled into my warm and cozy bed and be awake to enjoy it. I got to take a nap before work, then took a nice warm shower before heading off to a job that appreciates me and pays me well. I have healthy life affirming food to eat, and I had a few extra snacks on hand because I know there are days that my body is going to need just a little extra. (ok, so I'm at a loss on the headache! how about pain makes me appreciate when I don't have pain?)
I'm thankful today for: alarm clocks, hot showers, the fact I premake my salads on Sunday and that works for the rest of the week, a car that runs and is fun to drive.
I got to spend quality time with my kitties who really appreciate my time and energy, I got to spend time snuggled into my warm and cozy bed and be awake to enjoy it. I got to take a nap before work, then took a nice warm shower before heading off to a job that appreciates me and pays me well. I have healthy life affirming food to eat, and I had a few extra snacks on hand because I know there are days that my body is going to need just a little extra. (ok, so I'm at a loss on the headache! how about pain makes me appreciate when I don't have pain?)
I'm thankful today for: alarm clocks, hot showers, the fact I premake my salads on Sunday and that works for the rest of the week, a car that runs and is fun to drive.
6.03.2009
Thinks I am thankful for
spring flowers that fragrent the air
warm sun caressing the skin
Warm oatmeal with lemon.
a good cup of tea
and I'll try never to list these again:
a warm comfy inviting bed
the love of my cats
warm sun caressing the skin
Warm oatmeal with lemon.
a good cup of tea
and I'll try never to list these again:
a warm comfy inviting bed
the love of my cats
Ok, think positively
Well I've used this blog to rant about things that were bugging me. THought it would be a good outlet to get those feelings out so they wouldn't consume me. It has helped a lot, and I don't intend to let that go, but I thought I'd try focusing on the positive as well. I'm going to start a new catagory for things I'm grateful for, and try to do entries about what I am thankful for.
It is so very hard when I am so very stuck in life. I hate waiting to see how to get unstuck too, makes me feel even more stuck. But I fear that if I keep wallowing in how I don't have my blood tests taken nor the results back, nor a plan to figure out how to make my life physically better, I'm going to completely ruin my emotional life.
*big deep cleansing breath*
I'm currently reading a book about adrenal burn out. Don't know if that is my issue or not, but there are some things they recommend that are helpful regardless... and thinking positive is one of them. Big deep cleansing breaths are another :)
(annoying thing is that every time I start to read the book it puts me to sleep. I've had to renew it twice already)
It is so very hard when I am so very stuck in life. I hate waiting to see how to get unstuck too, makes me feel even more stuck. But I fear that if I keep wallowing in how I don't have my blood tests taken nor the results back, nor a plan to figure out how to make my life physically better, I'm going to completely ruin my emotional life.
*big deep cleansing breath*
I'm currently reading a book about adrenal burn out. Don't know if that is my issue or not, but there are some things they recommend that are helpful regardless... and thinking positive is one of them. Big deep cleansing breaths are another :)
(annoying thing is that every time I start to read the book it puts me to sleep. I've had to renew it twice already)
6.02.2009
another dream
I was in a community center in the kitchen with Alton Brown. He was going to teach me to cook something, but the kitchen was a mess, so we were goofing around cleaning it up. Someone turned on music, and we started dancing around as we were cleaning, then we started dancing together. the moves started to get interesting, when all of a sudden he had to go to the auto parts store, and he scrambled to get his coat. He said he would be right back and he left. Feeling a bit abandoned, I decided not to wait and got my scarf and coat when Fred Thompson calls me into the larger community room and starts to talk to me about community politics. I was very very confused, when he refered to something I had done earlier in my dream that surprised me (but sadly I don't remember the earlier part of my dream nor what he refered to) and I woke up.
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