diet sucks but other things are going ok

At least Im being productive. I went on the job interview on friday, which I felt I blew even though I wasn't trying to. I put up the mural in my bathroom, listed a ton of stuff on Ebay, and tonight I finished painting my bedroom. The room is too big to feel cozy, but too small to put in a separate seating area to help it feel cozy, so I put a glaze on it. I sponged it on, then rolled a plastic bag over it. I got a creme brule color, and it looks a lot like leather on the walls. Ok not really, but it is a very nice texture. There are some major gaffs in the room, but Im not going to worry about that. I'll get some easy crown molding and do some touch ups with a small brush at some point, and it will all be good. Tomorrow Im going to work on some curtains for the room and my craft room. I need to get that set up too. All my crafty stuff is still downstairs in boxes. It gets frustrating. I need to purchase some curtain rods for my craft room, but I'll worry about that after the curtains are made.

Exercise is going well. I didn't on friday cause the hubby took the day off and we spent it together, but I did it today - right before I started painting actually. I had to close the room off because of the cats, and it quickly got very hot in that room. I soon came to feel like I had rolled around in toxic sludge. I just got out of the shower, and I feel almost human again. I am hungry though. But I'll just have a large glass of zero calorie drink, and toddle of to bed.

oh the horror

I got a phone call today. One of the companies I sent my resume to wants to interview me on friday. I don't want to interview. I only sent out resumes so I can collect unemployement so I can annoy the crap out of my ex-boss. grrrr. Although Im sure they wont really want to hire me, so I should be ok. Maybe I should show up in ripped jeans and unwashed hair.. lol. I can't complain too much, I only sent resumes to jobs that I would remotely be interested in.

My diet is so so. Yesterday I did with out any refined sugar. Today Ive been eating small meals every 3 hours or so. The only sugar Ive had has been part of some dried pineapple (which makes a yummy addition to a light piece of bread and some peanut butter) Yet somehow Im still gaining weight. I was back up to my x weight the other day, but that I could attribute to eating pizza and some YUMMY french toast with maple syrup and caramel sauce. Although my x+1 lb weight was in the middle of the day.

Ive been doing really well on exercising. Today was tough because I was hurting from spending 5 hours rubbing Tatouage on my bathroom wall. Was.. what am I talking about, I AM hurting.

We'll see what the scale says tomorrow.

the demon inside

Well there have been good days and bad days. Today was a bad day. oh the junk I ate. my emotions are all over the place. I know that Im probably back at my x weight, if not above it. I so need to buckle down and get on a good eating plan. The whole eat what ever you want but in moderation thing just isn't working. I have a hard time with most cookie cutter diets because the few things I don't eat (organs, fungus, and anything out of the water) always seem to be included in their diets. But I found one when cleaning last night that doesn't seem too hard to follow, I just need to get out and get a few things.

Getting out today was impossible. We had a foot of snow dumped on us. Then wind was howling too, so out one side of the porch it was three feet high, the other was down to the ground, but it was all stacked on top of the table we have, so it reached the roof line. Was really quite dramatic. Things have been cleared pretty well by last night, so I'll go out in the morning. I have some other shopping to do as well.

So anyway, I hear by announce that I am letting go of my resentment and anger over what happened with my job. While I can't do anything about how other people will talk about me behind my back, I do not have to let them bring me down. I am putting it down on this point in my time line. Hopefully none of it will stick to my shoe and come with me.... Happiness and Joy - Brightness and Light. *breath in - breath out*

When I was about 9, I memorized a poem that I liked. I found it in the readers digest, and it was uncredited. I just did a google search and found it was written by John Dryden (1631-1700)

Happy the man, and happy he alone,
He who can call to-day his own;
He who, secure within, can say,
To-morrow, do thy worst, for I have liv'd to-day.

freakin dream world

I had a dream last night that I went back to work for the grocery store I left 10+ years ago. I started up as a cashier. I sort of knew what I was doing, but they had changed a lot of the technology, so I was a little flustered, but I got over that. I had a hard time finding the code to ring in an artichoke, which I kept calling an asparagus. I had moronic shoppers who kept trying to pull fast ones on me, and machines that kept breaking. I was getting more and more frustrated. It wasn't pleasant.

So Im in a bad mood. Im x-2lbs this morning, but bfd. I want to eat. I finished off a container of orange meringue cookies, which fortunately are pretty low in calories. Its about to be lunch time, so I'll eat the other half of my dinner last night. I went to Olive Garden with a friend, and got the herb chicken con broccoli. it was very good. Although the drive home was pretty nasty. It was snowing so hard, that I could only see about a car length in front of me, and on the highway I had no idea where the lanes were. Fortunately it is a three lane highway, and there wasn't much traffic, so I felt pretty safe... although I was going about 20 miles an hour.

Sigh. My todo list is sitting here in front of me. I have a number of things crossed off it, but the big things remain and taunt me. Well I should probably go do something. Maybe I'll take off my acrylic nails so I can have them redone on saturday with another friend. I also need to clean the kitchen, and get my butt out to the mail box, but that will require putting real clothes on.

week one

Well, one week has gone by, and I think I am finally back to "normal". Im still pissed about the lies, but I think I have come to accept that it is time to move on. I mean I knew that before, but emotionally I couldn't. I have asked myself that if I convinced him of the truth, and he invited me to come back to work if I would... and Im pretty torn about that one. My first instinct would be no, but heck, if we are dabling in miricles I would have to take in to consideration that he has obviously changed, so maybe I would. but I wouldn't in the current circumstances.

So, now that I have all the time in the world, I have spent the past two days catching up on my exercising. I am 40 minutes away from being caught up. It is a good feeling. As soon as Im done this entry, Im going to go finish, take a shower and head down to the shelter for a little bit.

Food wise I did horrible last night. I couldn't keep myself out of the kitchen. Didn't help I was watching a movie I couldn't stand (cause the "hero" kept making bad decisions and it was hard to watch him do that) and that the kitchen is part of the living room. (I have one great room that is the living room, dining room/kitchen.) Today I have done pretty good... although the day isn't over yet.. but hey I can hope :)

Idle with despair

*sigh* I so can't sleep. It isn't fair. I exhaust myself during the day, to the point of where I am falling asleep doing what I am doing, then I get up and crawl into bed, and poof, Im wide awake again. An idle mind is a terrible thing. I keep going over all the lies said about me at work, and wish there was a way to prove myself. its horrible because I KNOW that even if I could, it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference to the jerk that fired me. If the truth mattered, he would have tried to find it. I try desperately to think of other things, but my brain always finds a way to bring it back around. I think my fight or flight instinct is ticked. Mentally I realized there was no point in fighting for my job, so I gave up, but my instinct is so sure it could have won. Too bad it doesn't realize there was no way.

tonight I tried to go to bed at 11pm. I tossed and turned till about 1am, when I got up and did something else for a bit, then went back to bed and did fall asleep, but then at 4 I woke up with the song "Hands" from Jewel in my head. Im not really sure why, except the quote "Idle with despair" really captures where I am mentally right now.

Lets see, food wise I haven't been the best. Nothing too majorly terrible at this point that I can remember. I did go out to applebys, but my dinner and desert choices were off the weight watchers menu. (MAN that lemon cheesecake thing is good. Its so nice that it is actually lemon flavored) and the exercise thing took a break for the weekend, but Im not worried, I'll be good over the next couple of days.

trauma

I am still lost. I should be happy about being unemployed, but Im really not. I keep feeling worthless cause I can't get anything done, and all I really want to do is eat. I must be getting better though if I am considering food. I suppose I really just need to come to accept that this is an actual loss for me, as I do miss the work, a good deal of the clients, and a great deal of the staff.

I did a really good job exercising yesterday. not so much today. Was also a little less than discriminating in my food choices today too. Went to the local bakery for breakfast. Fortunately for my diet that we went a little late and all of the breakfast items really were gone. Bought a piece of banana bread. Before you think that is a good choice, don't. It really was a desert type bread. Uber yummy. I have been snacking pretty extensively too. Although low cal popcorn, and hummus aren't too bad of a choice, although I had butter crackers with the hummus..

Too bad Im so much of an instant gratification type person. Loosing weight would make me so much happier than the hummus or the ice cream, but it is such a long journey. Its like walking five miles vs stepping through the door right next to you to end up at the same emotional place. Now granted, the five mile away place has much more benefits in the long run, but that is the long run. and right now Im having a hard enough time remembering I am of value now that I have been fired. (deep down I know I am, but I can't do much of anything but play computer games, so for right now, Im not)

Im rambling. Forgive me.

day three

Well, Im becoming more adjusted to being unemployeed. I did some good cleaning of the house, made myself a healthy lunch, and got quite a bit of exercising out of the way. Im now only five days behind :D. (I exercise to a soap opera cause it is a built in 40 minute work out with a different show five days a week and I can always tell when I fall behind)

I got a call from the shelter I volunteer at. My relationship with them is not jepordised because of what happened at work. It was commented wondering what exactly happened. Im not 100% sure, but the basics of it is that a woman adopted a kitten from the shelter and I commented to the woman who fostered the kitten that the new owner was planning on declawing. This set off a major chain of events, including many many lies about me and what I actually did. It was said that I had made plans with the foster mom to make sure the kitten wasn't declawed, and that I declared I was going to make sure it wasn't declawed. Yes, Im against declawing, but I know that is the owners decison. If anyone askes me my opinion, Im going to tell them. Period. Im a straight forward, non lying, non back stabbing person, which makes this all the more difficult for me to deal with. Had way too much of that in highschool. I find it petty and a complete waste of time... although apparently it wasn't cause the woman who did it to get me in trouble did just that didn't she? However I am a firm believer that you get what is coming to you. Yes, I am out of a job, but I am still the same person I was before, and I like who I am. I have to wonder if the bitter soul can say the same.

I just need to find my zen moment. My inner peace. A way to put this all behind me and enjoy what is to come. and hopefully I can do that with out stuffing myself full of chocolate and cheese :D

I didn't get on the scale this morning, but yesterday, even after having left over pizza for breakfast I was at x-4lbs.... so maybe this loosing my job is the best thing that could have happened to me.. although I will really miss the at cost care for my kitties.

ok. Im lost

You know.. I thought I would enjoy being unemployeed, but right now Im so lost. Hopefully in a day or two I'll be back to normal, but I find myself wandering around the house going from project to project not finishing anything. I really need to make myself a to-do list, which will help. I think Im just going to let myself adjust today and tomorrow. My sleep patters are off because of the stress of it all.

I am doing really well though. Ok, I probably shouldn't call pizza for breakfast well, but Im not in the kitchen every 10 minutes looking for something to eat, so I think that is a good thing.

I do need to get out of the house at some point. I need to get my nails done again, and look for a new computer. Yes.. im going to look into buying a new computer right after loosing my job, but I have a credit at circut city through work, so Im going to see what is there. I don't think I can loose it, but I want to spend it asap incase I can. Its good at a number of other places as well, so if there isn't a computer I want, Im not going to fret. Worse comes to worse I can just get a gift certificate and sell it on ebay. Its amazing how much you can recoup from ebay for gift certificates to popular places. Some even go for full face value.

the shoe has dropped

I had been waiting for it. I really wanted it to either drop or go away.. and deep down I knew it wasn't going away.. so, I lived through it dropping. Yup. I was fired at work. And not really for what I did, but for lies told about me. For truth that refused to be seen. For the purposes of making the boss feel big and proud. *sigh* Truth be known, I am glad im out of there. Im sad for a number of reasons. Lack of at cost health care for the kitties now among the most of it... and as I sit here and type this at some unearthly hour of the night cause I can't sleep, my kitten is once again weezing. The dr was concerned it was her heart, and suggested I do an ultra sound on her.

So I have a lot on my mind, and can't sleep. I did however eat almost a whole container of hummas (with artichoke and olives) with pretzels. I haven't really exercised in two days, but I'll do more of that tomorrow. I did however jump on the scale for the fun of it this afternoon, and I was down 3 lbs. Guess stress can make a difference.

emotions

You know.. I never thought there would be an emotion I could have that would prevent me from wanting to eat. I eat when Im happy, sad, sick, tired, full of energy, you name it. Today however, Im in shock. I set in motion a series of events that spun obnoxiously out of control, and now my job is being threatened, I know my friend's job is probably gone, and Im finding out people are lying about me to get me in to trouble. People.. probably not, person is more like it. There is a woman at work who never pitches in, and Ive called her on it a few times. She doesn't like it. I can only speculate it was her, as everyone else that I work with likes me. What I did, in retrospect, was wrong, but at the time it didn't seem to be. If I had had an inkling of what it was going to set off, i wouldn't have done it. Even if a 1% of what happened.. But alas, hindsite is 20/20 and I have to live through things. But Im in shock over the whole thing, and while there is a burning pit of hunger in my tummy, I just can't fathom eating.

week one

Ok. Week one is over, and Im still at my x weight. I can't complain though, since I totally ditched exercising this week and ate half a pan of brownies. Im going to catch up on it this week though, we'll see what happens.

I must learn not to listen to that evil voice inside my head that says to eat the brownies and not to exercise.

did I mention I shouldn't let the scale discourage me?

I got on this morning, and I was back up to my x weight. I was at x-2. Oh well. At least I know where I stand.

Im still cheezed off about work. That bad part of my brain says to hell with your diet, eat for comfort and you'll feel better. I might, but then I'll still weigh way too much. Then that part of my brain says, yes, but you aren't going to loose all that much weight if you just get off your diet for a day... but sadly it is never for a day. Im still winning at this point, but not by much. Im just glad there aren't any brownies in the house.

emotional day

Oh my goodness I work for the most asinine person in the freakin world. This man can't EVER be wrong. If he could just listen to his staff instead of making accusations then walking way while the shit hits the fan it would be a much better place.. but NOOOOOO.. freakin jerk!

I cleaned out my locker and paid off my "debit" (I took some food home) and Im seriously considering calling out of work tomorrow. Im not ready to quit, but I am ready to make him think Im about to do it.

Someone called the other day saying their dog was snapping in the air, seeming to chasing shadows or nothing at all, and was wondering what it was. I asked about other things, eating ok, acting ok otherwise.. nothing else out of the norm. She said no. I said it could be behavioural, but by all means she could bring him in and check him out since it could be any number of other things. I offered to make her an appointment, but she declined. She later called back and made one for today. She talked to the doctor and told him someone told her it was just behavioural. (yup. its all behavioural.. no reason to worry at all, that's why you came in right?) So I got my head chewed off. He accused me of diagnoising over the phone yet again, and told me that would be the "last time". One woman called in the past about a constipated cat. The cure for constipation is pumpkin. I suggested she come in and see the doctor. She declined. Although she did call back and make an appointment anyway. The cat was blocked (UTI) and he yelled at me for telling her that her cat was constipated.

He doesn't care that the clients are lying to him. f(bleeep) a(bleep)

I asked two seasoned coworkers what they would have told the crazy dog woman on the phone. They said basically what I did. Was suggested that I document everything I say to clients in their charts, which is what Im going to have to do. WHich is freakinly annoying since he doesn't document ANYTHING!

Im angry, Im hurt, I want to eat. I ate some tortilla chips and queso dip, then broke into some cookies... but I had a light dinner.. so maybe it will balance out..

and maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt (or should I use the analogy that maybe my boss will appologise to me.. have about the same chance of it happening)

I will not let the scale discourage me!!

really. I wont. really...

I ate so little last night.. my stomach was still upset, and yet Im still above my X weight. I should just adjust my X weight to the post vomit weight.. then Id be down half a pound..

hum.. Doesn't sound like a bad idea.

Happy diet to me.

:) I was going to start a new blog for my diet progress.. but then I thought I never use this one any more, so I might as well. So day one has been a complete and utter disaster. I got up and weighed in this morning. We'll just call starting weight X. (yup.. Im that vain) anyway.. I got up, weighed in, and went and got my morning breakfast shake. I started drinking these back in November and really loved them because they had lots of protein and spirasomething or other which has lots of nutrients and is very good for you. Well in December I bought some Eggnog flavored shake mix, and it was ok, but after a few of them, it totally started to turn my stomach. I thought something was wrong with it, so I returned it. I hadn't had any till now cause of the holidays and because it had made me sick. So I had a nice banana one this morning, well after about 3 sips, my stomach started doing flips. I was working out at the time, so I stopped and rested. Now as a side note, I do not vomit. I refuse. I vomited once when I was six, once after I got married 14 years ago, and that was about it. Well it really REALLY wanted to come back up, so I got my towel, knelt in front of the toilet, and that is all the encouragement my tummy needed. It wasn't fun. When I was done, I went and had a few crackers to try to settle my stomach. Well it didn't help. I knelt in front of the toilet again, and still only the shake came up.. very little of the crackers - how bizarre is that?? Well after that, I thought hey.. I wonder what I weigh now.. so for fun I jumped back on the scale, and I was at X + 2 lbs!!! someone please explain to me how that happened! *sigh*

So hopefully this is as gross as this blog gets. I'll be getting on at least once a week to keep track. I might get on daily to talk about the what nots of being on a diet... who knows. Although I can tell you right now, I really wouldn't mind vomiting again..