Empty Closet

Well.. I did it. I purged.. and HOW. I went through my sweaters, and got rid of more than half of them. I went through my jammies, and got rid of some of them.. and went through my closet and I'd say I got rid of more than half of it..


The pile taller than the bed

More piles

The hangers

The closet aftermath.. More than half empty..

I was going to go buy more clothes tomorrow, but I thik I'll settle simply for some new bras, which I am also in major need of!

On a personal note.. it is finally snowing here, and the town didn't forget to plow.. see..

45 lbs

I saw 45lbs gone on Christmas Eve morning.. of course I slept till nine, so I was pretty dehydrated. Then I went and ate for a few days, and had a 'few' cookies, and went up a couple of pounds. This morning I saw 45lbs again.

I went to the vet this afternoon. I used to work with the vet, and his entire staff at another clinic. I so want him to hire me because he is such a nice guy, but he hired my friend instead, and that is ok, cause she needed the job WAY more than I did.. and with the job I have now - despite how boring it is - I can afford to fund his growing practice..

Anyway.. I got fawned over.. saying how great I looked, wondering how much I lost, wondering how I did it.. It was nice - odd cause Im so not used to attention - but nice.

I bought some new clothes from Kohls, and I just ordered some new ones from Coldwater Creek. (I LOVE that place) I need to go through my closet and get rid of the stuff that is too big now. Looks like that is going to happen tomorrow, and then I can get a better handle on what I need and what not so I can go out and do some more shopping on Sunday..

I'm turning into a GIRL!!

gack!

I know I know, I am female... but I've never been girl-y.. But now Im thinking I need to wash my hair every day (I'm not doing it yet, but Im considering it) and I've even considered -- Make up!! (GACK!) what is going on??? take a few pounds off a girl and she wants to really look good.. *sigh* Im a little annoyed with myself. I really don't want to be one of those people who can't leave the house with out spending half an hour getting ready.

I put on a couple of pounds over Christmas. I had a sliver of cheesecake, and quite a few cookies.. so it shouldn't be long before they are gone again.

Ive taken to using weights during my step aerobics. Not excessively, but some. Two pounders, so Im probably not making much of a difference, but I so want to reduce the size of my natural BFA (in case you missed that post, BFA are Big Fat Arms) i've always had BFA.. and Im ok with that, but they seem to have remained the same size (I know they haven't, I have a shirt that proves it) and seem totally out of proportion to the rest of me.

I went shopping yesterday for clothes. Im going to spend the end of the year cleaning out the clothes I feel I cant wear any more (see the girlie part of this post) cause they are too big, and frankly that doesn't leave me with a heck of a lot of options. I actually spent $175 at Kohls.. all on clearance items.. and sadly I don't think I got that much. Five or six tops, one of which is a Christmas sweater that I won't be wearing till next year. I also bought a pair of dream pants.. size 12! They are about four to six inches away from closing. but I did get them up over my hips.. so that's something. (vanity sizing.. vanity sizing.. ) I should pull out my old high school jeans that I love and haven't been able to wear since HS.. and return the 12s.. but.. I dont seem to want to. It is stupid to buy a pair of pants you can't wear.. but my DH calls it something I haven't had in a while.. Hope.

Hope for what? to be all silly and girly??

sigh

I guess Im going to have to get used to the new me on so many different levels..

Oh wait.. I forgot to tell you about my emotional break down in the fitting room!!

My bras are all old, and crappy, and aren't putting the girls where they should be any more. So I went to try on bras. I had NO idea what size I was any more.. so I pulled the size I was prior to the major weight gain, and a few sizes down. Now I started at a 36B.. went to a C. then a 38B.. I still own quite a few vanity bras at 36C.. but they are all dark. I need light colored ones. I pulled a 36C, B, and then for fun I pulled a 34C and B. The 34B is way too small. the 36B and the (get this) 34C work... When I had that 34 on, I actually cried. Im sitting in the dressing room at Kohls sobbing. again, it is probably vanity sizing, but I felt so good in a 34! (especiallly since when I went to get fitted for a bra, the stupid sales lady tried to put me in a 40!! which was obnoxiously big on me at the time)

Unfortunately the 34 was black.. and I so do not need another black bra.

I haven't done "stupid quizes" for a while :)

So what the heck, here are a few ;) Christmas day was stuffed with cookies, and sage and onions, and a few other things I shouldn't have eaten. Im going to wait a few days to see what the scale has to tell me (cause it is telling me nasty things right at this moment :D)

You Are Mexican Food

Spicy yet dependable. You pull punches, but people still love you.

What Kind of Food Are You?

Hum... Im sencing a theme here..

You Are a Fruitcake

People pretend you're sweet and precious, but they know how weird you really are!

What Holiday Food Are You?

Your Observation Skills Get A B-

Your senses are pretty sharp (okay, most of the time) And it takes something big to distract you!

How Observant Are You?

(I think this one wasn't an A cause I am left/right impaired)

You Are 15% Vain

You don't have a vain bone in your body - almost as a matter of principal. You demand to be judged on who you are, not what you look like.

How Vain Are You?

Your Body Image is 20% Unhealthy, 80% Healthy

You have a great body image. You know that no one looks perfect, and you're happy the way you are. Also, you don't judge other people on their looks... and it helps them feel better about their own bodies!

How's Your Body Image?

You Will Die at Age 88

Congratulations! You take good care of yourself. You're poised to live a long, healthy life.

What Age Will You Die?

You are 100% Cancer

How Cancer Are You?

Your Power Level is: 80%

You're a very powerful person, and you know that all of your power comes from within. Keep on doing what you're doing, and you'll reach your goals.

How Powerful Are You?

You've Experienced 64% of Life

You have all of the life experience that most adults will ever get. And unless you're already in your 40s, you're probably wise beyond your years.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

44.5!!

that's it.. all I have to say for now :)

44 lbs!

YEA! the scale gave me another new number today.. whoo hoo! I was thinking it was going to take a while.. That morning exercising is really helping.. of course I couldn't do it this morning. Some nights I just can't get to sleep to save my life. When the new 'media room' is done, I'll move all my exercise equiptment down there, so on nights I can't sleep I'll go exercise for a little while. Its in the bedroom at the moment, which works well when it is first thing in the AM and Im alone in the house..

I am freakin exhausted. I had so many things to blog about this morning, and I forgot all of them. Im thinking Im going to leave work an hour early today, and take a half day tomorrow.. I have wrapping I need to do, and there is some more shopping I want to do.

I think I have found a 'new' car that I like and feel I can afford. The volvo 99 c70 convertible. Its pretty, the top sinks into the car so I don't have to worry about a boot.. and its reliable. I found one at a dealership, and stupidly I thought I'd trade in my car.. well they only offered me 4,500 for it. Um.. NO. You have the EXACT same car in your lot for sale for 12K!! and mine has a remote starter.. you can go bite my shiney metal car.. So now the question is do I go somewhere else (there were a few on autotrader) and try and trade in my car, or try to sell it on my own. *sigh* I dont wanna sell it on my own, but I certainly do not want to take a 1-2k loss on the sale either.. (or 4k loss if I had traded it in at that last place) I should probably take it in to a few places and see what they'll offer me for it.

*yawn*

Five more pounds till Im "slightly overweight' instead of Obese - according to the BMI. How one goes from slighly overweight to OBESE in one pound amazes me, you'd think there would be some other lable in there. Oh well. not my call. Just rules I have to live by.

Id love to ride this weight loss journey down to 145 or less.. but I don't know if my body will get there. the BMI chart says that 132-149 is healthy for me.. I'd be freaking thrilled with 150. i wonder how I would look at 132...

Now if you care, you have all you need to know to figure out how much I weigh.. but since I doubt anybody reads this, and if perchace you do, you certainly aren't up for math, and research.. so I figure my secret is safe :D

New Pants

I was suffering from a major case of "floppy butt" so I had to go out and buy new pants. I had recently bought new non-strech 18s, and I could get my arm down them (after their being tight) I went and reluctantly tried on some stretch 16s. I was scared they wouldn't fit, but they did... so i bought them. turns out I still had floppy butt, so I went back and returned the unwornen 16s and got a 14!! *faints* I know it is all vanity sizing, and technically this is probably a 16 or even an 18, but Im ok with that :D

The whole having to spend money right before Christmas is hard for me though. I'd ask others to, but I have SUCH a hard time findng clothes that fit me well, I wouldn't want to have to torture anyone trying to buy clothes for me.

Im having a down day today. Im feeling unproductive, unnecessary and a total waste of space. Doesn't help that Im blogging at work, and trying to find ANYTHING to stimulate my brain. Not quite sure what to do with myself to chear myself up. Its always been chocolate or cookies before..

*sigh*

Bah humbug

I swear the scale is STUCK!!

rant rant rant.

Now when I decided to go on this weight loss journey, I decided that I really didn't care what the scale told me. the destination was the key, that and the fact that I was going to take the time to fuel my body the way it needs to be instead of the junk I had been filling it with.

And so, the scale has been slow to give me lower numbers, and fortunately I've been ok with that.. the alternative is to get upset and go off my journey, and stay my fat self.

Well these past few weeks, Ive been in a friendly competition with a few other women who are close in weight to myself. For a short while I was winning, then it came to a screaching halt.

Now my clothes are getting bigger, and I FEEL smaller, but the scale refuses to tell me that anythingn is happening. This morning I put on one pair of black pants that recently fit me well, and they were so loose, that I put on another pair, and they too are too big.

WHY DOESN'T THE SCALE KNOW!!

cause its stupid!

new favorite store

Ok, its official.

I got a catalog for Cold Water Creek the other day, and I liked a lot of the stuff in it.. I have the hardest time buying from catalogs and on line, cause I so need to try stuff on. On my way down to a new mall to shop at H&M, I saw that my local outlet stores had one there.

So on my way home, I stopped in. They had a sale, buy 3 items, get 30% off, four items, 40% off and for five items you get 50%!!

I found three items right away. Two beautiful jackets and a shirt. I found a pretty silk dress for $14 (and yes, I got 50% off that) and I ended up buying another sweater I'll probably list on Ebay.

Im THRILLED!!

I then went into the Dress Barn. I have always loved shopping in Dress Barn Women.. not so thrilled with the regular Dress Barn. But then that has been one of my problems lately.. I am drawn to the plus sizes, cause I like the styling better - what on earth does this say about me?? Im not sure I want to know :D

But today I am aching from all the walking I did yesterday. My trip to that mall was a bust. I ended up buying a toy for the rabbit at the Christmas Tree Shops (I usually buy a cart load at that store!) and a sweater from Good Will. Then the six things from CWC. (I got a new Christmas Pin too - a Polar Bear)

Im trying to figure out if I need to buy presents for the people at work. Im thinking no.. I hope Im right.

vanity sizing

am I the only woman in the world that HATES vanity sizing??

I went out shopping AGAIN to find some clothes to wear, and Im pulling out mediums that are too big, and larges that are too small. its just freaking me out. We totally need industry standards for clothing sizes.. period!!

I also found a freakingly adorable pair of ankle boots in burgandy. unfortunately they were a smidge too small, and there wasn't a larger size, so I couldn't buy them, but I hadn't even thought of burgandy.. so now Im looking for burgandy :D I found a pair on ebay. If they don't go up dramatically before the auction ends I think I'll risk it and buy them. I have the worst time with shoes fitting my feet.. if it doesn't work, I can just resell them.

My boss is out of the country attending meetings, so I am at work with NOTHING on my to-do list. I think I'll attempt some on line shopping... oh wait.. left my credit card at home. Well I can window shop :D

Shopping for clothes

Now I have to start out telling you that I felt like a total fraud while shopping today. All my life I have been in the plus sections.. (I remember when I was no longer a 6x in grade school for goodness sake)

My local fashion store is split in two, to the left is the plus sizes, to the right are the regular sizes. I went to the right, and because my mind has yet to adjust to the reality of my new smaller, slimmer body, I was sure that people were going to laugh at me, or just think I was buying gifts for someone else.

Well, I pulled out a couple of L shirts, and some M sweaters, when I pulled them off the rack, I was certain nothing was going to fit, and EVERYTHING FIT!! I even had on a dress that was a size TWELVE!! Unfortunately 99% of it didn't work out, for the cut, or the color, etc, but I did buy a nice elegant top to go with the skirt I bought a few weeks ago for the company christmas party tomorrow. SIZE MEDIUM! and to top it of, 40% off!!!

Just wanted to toot my own horn :D

toot toot tooot

WTF!!

excuse my acronym, but my body is confusing the living daylights out of me. the scale has been stuck and this morning it was up half a pound, despite my being on plan all day!!

Not only that, but I noticed the skin on the inside of my thighs screams lost weight.. (yes, ick.. but rather it scream lost weight then gained weight!!) and when I put on my pants this morning they felt obnoxiously loose. Still do..

sob.

I was hoping for a prettier number on the scale this morning.. Oh well. I MUST take comfort in the fact that my body is doing what it needs to do, and will get to where it needs to go in time. Just frustrates me when I see other people loosing weight so freakin fast..

Im still coughing up a freakin storm.. very freakin annoying. I am ready to be done with this.

I have to do some Christmas shopping at some point. I am completely uninspired to do so. I feel bad. I also feel bad cause frankly I don't need / want anything.. makes it hard for loved ones to get me gifts.. and i know that, and I feel bad. Ive been shopping trying to find something.. and I found lots of pretty things at coldwater creek but way over my budget. I just can't fathom spending that kind of money on clothes. Maybe later, when I have a body I don't mind showing off, but not at this point. (not that Im in to showing it off.. but hopefully you know what I mean.)

frankly, right now Im a miserable ol fart who wants to go home, go to bed, and be smothered by kitties.

Still no cookies for me - aren't you proud?

I knew you were. Although technically I did have a tiny tiny crumb of one.. and it was absolutely not worth it.

Although for some reason I have been stuck at -40lbs. This morning was interesting. My scale always amazes me. I got up, and it was at -38.5 then I went back to bed for a bit, and it was at -39. then I had to go pee, and well yes, that is gross, but then I was at -40 again.

I think it is because I have been so sick, that I haven't been paying close attention to what and when I eat. I have been careful to only choose items that are allowed on the diet, but if I had one serving of protein or two, I can't say for certain. I'd like to say one, but I couldn't swear to it, and since the scale has been telling me Im not eating in a deficit...

Today I am going to be VERY careful. I measured out my fruit.. Im not going to have any extras, and we'll see what happens. All I know is I am extremely thirsty today.. its annoying. That and the cough is still around. PLEASE make that go away.

The trip to Logan airport was a freakin laugh riot too. It rained so hard on the ride home, it made it next to impossible to stay on the road. So half way home I stopped at a shopping mall, and did a little shopping. I actually bought myself a shirt and a pair of pants and a suit. total shock! the shirt was only $6.00 and is cute. the pants are a 14W. I know it is complete vanity sizing since I just bought 18s and they fit, and the 14s are large. But they look nice, are comfortable, and were on clearance (ok ok, and were a size 14!)

Vanity sizing.. oh the horror. I hate it. I have a pair of pants I wore in high school that are 14s. It is my dream to get into them again / have them be too big. I wore them comfortably 55lbs ago (from where I am now) Sad hun? the way clothes makers have tried to sucker women into buying more clothes cause the little label says a smaller size. I don't know how much further the vanity sizing can go though.. they already have size 0. what.. are we going to have to look for negative sizes next??

Another thing I have been noticing lately is a huge number of blogs by bloggers of FAITH. I want to say Christian bloggers, but there were a few other religions in there. As a Christian myself, and a firm believer but someone who doesn't go to church, I find it very interesting. What ever brings Glory to God is good. The question is, does it bring glory? For the most part, i would think yes...

Sigh.. I suppose I should at least PRETEND to be working.. there is so little for me to do right now though..

someone stop me!!

Well its now thursday.. stomach pains went away monday night. I came to work on tuesday and didn't make it through the day. wednesday I got to leave work early to bring someone to the airport, and friday I have to drive my boss to logan, so I won't be working then either.. so truely this is my only full day of work this week..

and I can't seem to focus!

We have a huge pile of cookies that were sent to us.. and I have been very strong all week (see previous paragraph about not being here most of the week) and resisted, but today i REALLY want one..

BADLY!

I have four more hours of work to get through... and they are calling my name. I so need them to shut up!

I am still highly congested in the lungs. Still coughing up disgusting green gunk.. Im sick of it.

Due to all the coughing and all the congestion, I haven't weighed in a while. Who knows where I am.. but except for this cookie crisis, I've been pretty good. I had one dinner out (a company function tuesday night) but I felt I made the best possible choices.. So hopefully....

so yesterday I left work early and went to the airport. This means going by the mall, so I stopped and shopped. I so need new tops, but I can't find anything I like that isn't what I consider summer wear.. so I tried again. I found a really cute polar bear christmas sweater, but they only had it in Medium. I thought what the heck, and tried it on. WOH! I fit in a medium!! I wasn't thrilled with the color, so I left it there. with my big fat arms (I've always had big fat arms even when i wasn't big nor was I fat) I usually have to go a size larger than I am. Nice thing about strechy fabrics, is they give me a little more leeway than regular fabrics.

Im just too picky when it comes to clothes. I don't want to show off my B.F.A. (big fat arms) so they have to have sleeves, at least to my elbow.. but I HATE 3/4 sleeves, unless they can push up to the elbow. Fabric can't be too thin to cling to the bra straps. Has to be thick enough to be warm, has to be thin enough to not be bulky. Has to flatter, and amaze, and all under 10$ (ok 20$) but still. hence the fact that I haven't bought myself a top since I started loosing weight. Im going to need to soon. I have a skirt for christmas parties that doesn't have a top..

I also went and got my hair chopped off. wasn't my intention, but the previous haircut was so bad, i needed to go short to try to fix it. it is still a little off, but I wasn't willing to go THAT short. the longest part is just below my shoulders, and it is layered from there, so it feels VERY short (to me.. I've always had hair down my back) its cute though. Blends my growing bangs very nicely.. Not sure if im going to keep them grown out, but Im going to give it another couple of months to see how I feel. then they'll be to my chin, and basically grown out. If I cut them, I want it to be because bangs look better on me, NOT because I can't stand them. I am still in the 'its cute' stage, but I haven't washed it yet. That will be tonight, and that will be the REAL test. most hair cuts 'fall apart' after the washing. Have I mentioned I have had the WORST luck with hair cuts in my life time? HORRID. seriously had to have six + inches cut off this time to 'fix' the last cut. the stylist had NO idea what the previous one tried to accomplish I joked that there had to be alcohol involved in the previous cut.. yes, it was THAT bad. thank goodness for elastic bands.

alright.. I think the urge has pasted, and I can get back to work. wish me luck :D

ow ow ow ow ow

well arent I just the mess! It started the friday before thanksgiving. I was tired and a little achey, so I decided to take the day off from work. Good thing I did as I had a huge case of the dizzies. If I rolled over in bed, I was instantly overwhelmed. I spent most of the day in and out of sleep and forcing myself not to vomit. (i don't vomit. I refuse)

Saturday I went out to some christmas fairs. I probably shouldn't have, but they were some of my favorites. I felt much better but not perfect. Kinda like if you spin around and make yourself dizzy, that second before it stops.. like that.

Sunday I spent lounging.

Monday thru Wednesday I worked.. nothing exciting, just really tired. I haven't been able to sleep well for allergies.

Thursday.. turkey day. I felt I didn't eat THAT much, but my stomach hurt.

Friday.. didn't go sale shopping - very bizarre for me, but then again there wasn't anything I really wanted to buy. I slept in, then went out to a couple of places, but got tired easily.

Saturday my throat started to hurt. Sunday it was so bad I couldn't talk.

This morning my throat feels better, but my stomach is a mess. cramping kinda bad.

I feel very congested, but Im not producing much of anything. One time I coughed a little, and brought up a huge wad of green mucus.. so I took some medication... so I am congested, but its stuck.

Dr's appointment in an hour or so.

On another front, due to the being extremely tired, Ive been on my diet pretty well, and am now down 40lbs.. yea!!

I also have been having weird dreams. I don't remember most of them, but they all feel like they are on the same theme... Taking pride in doing something, but when it comes time to finish it, it is only half done. Like one dream was of school, and I had two essays to hand in. I forgot to bring them to class and was asked to leave to go get them. I was allowed. I ran home, grabbed them, only to find them badly typed, with pencil marks crossing out some words, one page being ununiform, and folded over to match.

Not sure why Im having these dreams.. Im sure they'll hit me over the head eventually.

let the festivities begin

Well then.. it starts. There is a plate of cookies here at the office. I was hoping that in an office of three women and one man there wouldn't be many goodies.. but there it is.

Weight wise I have been doing well. back on the loosing track. Im seeing numbers I haven't dreamed of seeing in a long time, and know that the first goal will be hit. the ultimate goal is a long way in coming (or should that be going??) but I can see me doing it. Im thrilled. I am getting close to 40lbs, 2lbs away. Would be thrilling if I could make that by thanksgiving, but since that is only a few days away, I don't see it happening (not that I won't tell family that I have lost 40lbs anyway)

Sad thing is, I still don't see it.. but that's ok. What my hips wont tell me, my pants will :D

Not sure what we are going to do for the holiday. we are hoping to go to the brother in laws, but we haven't quite received an invitation. Their daughter was thrilled with the idea of us coming, but so far... worst comes to worse, we'll just have dinner at home with the kitties :) nothing wrong with that.

Now the question becomes, am I going to go out shopping the day after?

family

Ive been dreaming of my parents lately. I know it stems from the card I got in the mail the other week. For those of you who do not know, I have never had a great relationship with my mother. In fact, it has been pretty lousy. It came to a head last Jan. and I haven't talked to them since. I feel bad. I miss my dad very much, but I don't want to put him in a position of reporting back to her. I know I need to deal with this, and Im thinking a session with a professional might help me sort out how I feel about all this. Im thrilled not to feel the need to see my mother again, but I miss my father. Im not sure how I feel about not seeing my sister and her family (only sibling - she has two boys) There is nothing keeping us apart, but she never makes a point to let us know when she is going to be in the area, never has... so I tend to feel she's not all that interseted in knowing me either, and I guess I can live with that too. We have nothing in commong except our DNA. We can barely hang out for an hour with out running out of things to say.

It is sad, but I have spent my entire life trying to be accepted by these people. Im family, I shouldn't have to work at it... and after all this time I have figured out I no longer want to. I get nothing out of it, so why should I have to kill myself to stay connected to a family that doesn't seem to want to know me?

well whatever. I know I need to deal with this. Dad misses me, I know he's not going to live forever.


I thought writing this down would make it easier to process. It hasn't. it has made me feel worse. *sigh*

ugh I am tired

I have been sleeping like a log lately, which is really nice. No more weight loss for a while now. Its hard to remember that it is ok. I want to see that scale produce lower and lower numbers every single day.. but noooo.. as long as it isn't going up, Im ok.

But I think I am coming down with a cold. Could be allergies, but it feels a little different. Hopefully Im wrong, since I have a ton of things I want to do this weekend.. *sigh* One of which is get my hair cut. I went and got it cut in June, and once again it was butchered. So now I need to let the layers grow out again, and so I need to take about four inches off to make it look ok. Paying $500 to have Nick (from What not to Wear) is starting to seem like a bargan! I have the worst freakin luck when it comes to restaraunts and haircuts.

as for election day... wow hun? Wonder what kind of a difference this will make. guess we'll have to wait and see.

the tax thingie was voted down. Its so funny to listen to the people who opposed the bill spout now. See.. we told you it was bad, and the people of the state agreed. Yea.. 55% to 45.. we really agree. Just a few more people did... not the whole state for goodness sake. At least the govener noticed how many people voted for it, and said that he plans to make some changes. We'll see how that goes too. The great thing about goverment, its a big wait and see game.

Get out there and vote!

ugh, I hate election day. I almost never like any of the candidates.. I usually feel like I am voting for the lesser of two evils. Its never "Cake or Death?" its usually do you want do die by fire or by drowning? ugh. Ok yes I am being overly dramatic, but honestly, I never know if these people are just shouting to be heard, or because they have something to say. 99% of the time, all I hear them saying is the other guy sucks.

One of my favorite political ad in my area is for a woman who has been in office since I can remember. I like her I guess. Id vote for her again.. but this ad said the word independant like 50 times. She's a republican, but the ad went out of its way to say she was an independant thinker, that she will go against her party when they go against what she thinks. She's independant, and incase you missed it the first 30 times we said it, lets say it 20 more!

There is only one issue I really care about, and it has to do with limiting/cutting taxes. I don't see it passing. too many people with kids being told that if it passes, their kids can't get vaccines, and schools won't be funded. Honestly. Geeze. Can someone tell me when the US of A turned into a communist state? Cause I am sick and tired of paying for EVERYTHING! Now I don't want to tell the poor kids they can't get vaccines, but why is it MY job to pay for them? the people against this bill trotted out every special intrest group stating that they could / might /possibly loose their goodies if it passes. Im sitting there in my house that I paid for, with my food that I paid for, in my fuzzy slippers I paid for wondering why Im paying for all this other stuff too. Makes me want to stop working right now and go on welfare, cause why shouldn't I get something for nothing like these other people?

Honestly, I am for helping those that are down, but there has GOT to be a limit, or we will be in a communist state... frankly I am surprised that no one has suggested it before! in communisum, everything belongs to the state, and they dole it out as they see fit. My goverment, as I see it anyway, takes half of everything (33%?) and doles it out as it sees fit. and hell rain down on anyone who even considers that the goverment hand out isn't a God Given Right, and tries to cut back or eliminate any of it.

I once knew a woman on welfare. It was through no fault of her own, but with two young children, she needed to be there. She worked with me, and she absolutely could not work more than 17.5 hours a week or they would immediately cut her aid. work 18 hours? No food stamps for you! your SOL.. Hun? what? does that sound fair? This poor woman couldn't get her foot in any toe hold to help get her self out of welfare, cause who is going to promote and give a huge raise and a full time prime job to someone who can only work 17.5 hrs a week?

Sigh.

There really is no good answer, I know that. but I want this to pass to get people thinking.

Back to feeling worthless

Pretty freakin amazing how fast it sneaks up on me. One minute I am on a BB where other women are feeling lost and hopeless and worthless (weightloss BB) and Im saying all the right things, and the next Im sitting here wondering what the heck I am doing.

Like when I get upset that my pants are too loose (cause Im having a hard time finding new clothes that I like)

So..

One of the greatest joys of my life is laying around in bed (I LOVE my bed - more on that later) with my kitties watching a good movie. Id like to say reading a book, but with kitties, reading a book is pretty difficult.

Sometimes I think that is pretty sad. I think I should have other more grand greatest joys.. hiking, biking, climbing mountains, even baking cookies seems more productive a joy than laying around in my bed (Did I mention I LOVE my bed?)

But then I ask myself, what is so flipping wonderful about going for a hike? You risk life and limb (ok maybe not, but people get hurt on hikes all the time) and bugs, and bites, and scrapes... for what? to walk from one spot to the next? Then once you get there, you just have to turn around and go back. can we say walking in circles?

as for cookies.. I don't need to eat cookies (see the fact that I am trying to loose weight) and frankly there aren't many people I know that need them either. Like them yes, but every woman I know wants to loose weight. (even if they don't really have to cause frankly they look fine!)

So, I try to shut off that part of my brain that says I should be more productive, cause frankly, most of the production is pretty stupid, and I lay back in my amazing bed, and pat my incredibly soft kitty (Jack) and snuggle with some others (Em, Muff and Twee) and take my pleasure where I get it. You might like climbing up a mountain, but that is not me. So there!

(btw, I have a sleep number bed, with a memory foam topper, and 1200 thread count sheets or super soft flannels. I have invested in quality products for my bed, and haven't regreated a penny of it - that is saying a lot knowing how tight with a penny I am)

Ok, all this boasting isn't making me feel any more worth while. *sigh* I KNOW I am, I just don't FEEL I am. Don't I wish I could shut that side of my brain off for just a few hours.. It probably stems from the fact that the scale hasn't been my friend recently.. which is silly since I have been exercising a little harder, so some muscle has probably been added... (and even if it hasn't, the scale has NOTHING to do with my worth - so there!!)

So, three positives - lets do them about me and see if this helps.

1) I make good kittens - I foster for the local shelter, and I always get complements on how friendly and outgoing the kittens are when they go back.
2) I tend to think outside the box. This has been helpful many times when I was able to find more effecient ways of doing things in my job.
3) I rock when it comes to customer service. I treat people as I would want to be treated, and make sure I follow through on any task that I can't complete immediately. If I tell someone I will call them back, I will call them back, even if it is to tell them that I have no further information, or can't help them. I will let them know exactly what I have done to try to help, so they know that I didn't just wait a day or two and then call saying sorry. Since I care so much, I get easily irritated when I find instances of CSRs just 'phoning it in'.

pets

I actively belong to two different internet communities. One for kitties, one for weight loss. I love the kitty one because it is so nice to find a nice calm place that people talk about kitties, and don't get all militant in their way of doing things. Most boards about specific topics are usually manned by people who if you go even slightly off topic, or worse, disagree with their way of doing things, then you are flammed until you leave. the weight loss board is pretty tolerant. I like reading how people are enjoying their weight loss in non scale ways.. pants fitting, etc.

However, on the weightloss board recently, there were two posts that wanted to make me go all militant. I refrained from posting, cause I knew I'd go over the edge, and I didn't want to be that person.

the first was a woman who had an 18 yr old cat who was falling down, and loosing weight, and she thought it was time Did she take the cat to a vet? did she try to find out WHY the cat was falling down and loosing weight? Nope. She just let it wander around her house for about a week before there was another post saying she made the appointment, that she couldn't stand torturing (her words) him any more.

I wanted to shout YES! YOU WERE TORTURING HIM!! arrgh. um.. HELLO! falling down is not a normal sign of old age. It is a sign of sickness, that poor cat. At least he is at peace now, and hopefully he is getting only the best at the Rainbow Bridge.

the second was someone who claimed that her dog had a UTI, and what antibotics should she give it?

Well first of all, human and animal antibotics for the most part aren't interchangeable, and those that are, do you know the dose? and more importantly, how on earth can you know even IF the dog has a UTI and not something more serious going on. If you start giving antibotics, you could easily mask symptoms that are important to see. *bangs head on desk*

Its people like this that make me hate people. Those and those people who let their cats go outside, and have had 10 cats in 5 years, because they keep going out and not coming home, that they might have a fisher cat in the area, but the cats can't stay in, that is just wrong (NO IT ISN'T IT!!) Like getting eaten by a fisher is a good thing.

My fosters are about to go up for adoption, and I so don't want to just throw them out there and hope that the people that adopt them aren't lying, and will treat them like they should be treated... good food, warm beds, and way too much love and that the outdoors is something to be visited in limited increments, with a cage, or a leash.

sigh

I hate people some days.

ok, I am a little scared now

I have had a dot on my right thigh for a while now. I didn't know what it was, but it didn't look menacing at all, so i just kinda ignored it - while keeping an eye on it.

Today I ran my finger over it, and it hurt.

I am your typical totally fair haired, red head, blue eyed girl who has shied away from sun for years for fear of skin cancer. I know my father, and maybe even my mother, have had spots removed.

Hopefully it is nothing, but I don't know when I can get into the dr to see.

Maybe I'll wait until tomorrow and try the fingernail thing again and see if it still hurts before I freak totally out.

Nostradamus

"Come the millennium, month 12,
In the home of greatest power,
The village idiot will come forth
To be acclaimed the leader."
-- Nostradamus, 1555

technically, I am at work

but I dont think I have done a drop of work all day. No wait.. I printed out mailing lables after fixing a few of the zipcodes.. (20 minutes tops) and worked on about 100 images and fixing their key words..

I have no motivation to work. so I sit and read things I shouldn't... Play spider solitaire, and now blog.. Im such a role model..

Now I am holding down the fort basically on my own (the guy that works on the photos is here, but he won't / can't interact with customers) Lets just hope the phone doesn't ring for another three hours (possible, but not likely)

I couldn't get my butt to exercise this morning, so I took a quick walk at lunchtime, and did about 1,000 steps. Not too impressive, but impressive that I did something.

Im also doing door push ups when I have to use the bathroom. First day I did 10 each time, but now my chest hurts a little, so I cut back to five till that stops.

I haven't wanted to loose weight for a goal since my prom. This is such a bizarre feeling. Although it didn't stop me from having a donut for breakfast. Bad.. I know.. but I have been wanting it for several days now, and the calorie count between that and my granola bar wasn't THAT different. Despite it not being all I wanted, I ate all of it anyway. another bad I know.

I wonder how long it will take before I can look at my body and notice that I've lost weight? Im afraid of that answer.

so on to my three positive thoughts..
1) fig and pumpkin - while too many calories - makes a good milkshake.
2) most of my clothes are too big
3) I still haven't cut my bangs

you know.. these three positives are not the best are they.. cause Im sitting here typing them, and qualifying them.. too many calories... need to buy more clothes... only cause Im lazy, not because Im motivated to grow them out any more.

sigh.

I need to stop qualifying and just be happy with things.

i am so tired

for the past few nights, I have been woken up by the sound of a kitty hurling. Last night, muffin decided to do it while IN the bed. wench. The night before it was Em. She really shouldn't be hurling any more. I don't know what is up with her. I'll give the meds a few more weeks, but if I don't see any more improvement, I'll have to take her back to the vet.

before that it was my pillows. I have feather pillows I LOVE. Unfortunately my sinuses don't. I went out and got allergy covers, and that helped for a couple of weeks, but again Im waking up all stuffed. *sigh*

I put on weight when I don't get enough sleep. I laughed at the studies that said that people who don't get enough sleep weigh more, but I seriously retain something when I only get 6 hours of sleep. I weigh two to three pounds more. Its frustrating, but I know once I get a few good nights sleep, they'll go away again.

Im 3 to 5 pounds away from a goal I was hoping to hit on Halloween. Even if I exercise twice a day between now and then, I doubt I'll hit it, but darn it if Im not going to try. Now if I can just get a good night's sleep so Im on the 3 side of that 3 to 5.

Work is still killing me. I am doing my best not to dwell on how much I hate the actual work. Im doing quarterly commissions. they are never simple. this time is no exception. it is mind numbing, and tedious, but I have a job, and it is good to me, so I should shut up and be thankful.

Now if I could just get my DH off his tush and get the renovations started on the house, I'd have something to look forward to.

One side effect of loosing weight for me has been that I have been cold a LOT. doesn't help that while at work I have to sit next to an AIR CONDITIONER going at full blast. we have a server that is very tempature sensitive. An air conditioned server box is en route, but till it gets here..

I guess being cold is a small price to pay. I just wish I didn't have to pay the "saggy skin" charge as well.

Ive always said I don't care about the trappings. Id be happy with my body no matter what. The time I got the rash a few months ago slapped me in the face. I couldn't stand to look at myself. I was floored. Im getting to that point now as well. 100+ lbs over weight Im in love with myself, but loose 50lbs (from my heighest for those of you who are paying attention) and Im annoyed with myself. If I loose much more, am I going to hate myself? Goodness I hope not!

i suppose there is always surgery if it gets too bad, but like I want to live with scars. *sigh* guess I can't win.

i really should have listened to myself in HS when I said I would NEVER let myself get over 200lbs.

another thing happened in my life last night. Although technically it didn't happen TO my life. My neighbors are elderly, and an ambulance came to one of their houses. This couple are in their 60s and one is suffering from cancer. I got scared for them, and went to my other neighbor's house (who is also doing NS). she said it was most likely for the wife's mother who is 93 and who has had major health issues. I still don't know what happened. but the busses (there were two)were there for a long time. I would imagine if she died at home, one of them would have left right away. But that's just me making assumptions.


So.. my three positives. Its been a while, you'd think this would be easy...

1) I still haven't cut my bangs. Im proud of myself for giving this a serious go, but I am afraid I am at the end of my rope (is this a positive??)
2) I have exercised both yesterday (twice) and today. Im hoping to do twice a day till halloween... no scratch that. I am going to do twice a day till halloween.
3)I have a function to go to on wednesday, and I am actually looking forward to it. Although I know I will have to deal with the comments on my weight loss (hopefully not too many, as it will be mostly men who don't know me real well) which I don't deal with really well.

the death of a classmate

Cleaning out my rabbit's cage, I opened up the local paper and lined it. I happened to have just read that paper.. so it was kinda bizarre to stumble across an obit for someone I know.

Her name was Sally. She was an absolute bitch all through school. First class. How she ever kept friends, I have no idea, but then most of the girls in my class were pretty freakin nasty to one another, so they probably all thought it was funny.

She was part of the A group. You know the kids. The smart, the popular, the well off, the always has a date and always has a party to go to.

Not only was this girl a bitch, but she was not what one would call pretty. She was extremely pale with almost white hair. I often told myself she was an albino. Id tell myself anything to try to justify her nasty behaviour.

All through grade school, then highschool. She might not have gone out of her way to torment me, but if I was around.. things would be said..

In high school, I decided I had had enough of listening to their crap, and decided that they did not matter. They were no more important than I, and maybe even less so since they were so petty and so self serving. I figured anyone who had to put someone else down to make themselves feel better needed to be pittied. Not that their slights and comments didn't still hurt, but I did my best to tune them out. I knew I'd never even come close to being prom queen, I did my best to make my high school years livable (not that I would EVER want to go back there, EVER!)

I ran into Sally a couple of years ago. She wasn't any more open, or friendly or appeared to be any more compassionate. Maybe she was ashamed of her treatment of me, or maybe she was still that self centered person. I'll never know. At the time, I didn't care to know.

But now she is dead. I am pretty sure that the death of anyone else I went to school with would upset me... but I can't seem to muster any emotions for her. I feel like a bad person for not caring. I am by no means happy she died... and I won't try to pretend I never wished for it as a child... but Im not sad for it either.

Of course, I haven't really given her much of a thought in the 15 yrs since school. There was that one encounter..

I guess my feelings tend toward those you'd feel when you hear on the news that someone died.

I must stop questioning if I am a bad person for not caring more.

This also leads me to wonder how I'll feel when my mother dies. I have often said I won't care. My mother has always made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I'd hate to think I won't be bothered when my mother dies.. but we've never had a good relationship, and like Sally I had to let go of all that hurt to move on and enjoy my life..

Ok, so since this was such a bummer of a post, lets end on three things that are good.

1) Pandora.com: OMG!! I put in prince and madonna and created a shuffel, and they play all the right music!!
2) cuteoverload.com it makes me waste WAY too much time.. but that's ok
3) online contests.. the real ones.. Im a sucker for entering contests.. like my local lottery advertises, all it takes is a buck and a dream, well here I don't even need the buck :D

Seven Days

Well how did that happen that I went seven days with out posting?? Good question. Although since I took a three day weekend, technically I only post on week days.. so Im looking at four days.. but still.

So, I was wallowing in my diet. Was getting sick of not being able to eat 'real food' - which btw is a total cop out, but I digress. So friday night we went out for Pizza Hut lasagna pizza. It was just ok. DH loved it.

It totally didn't satisfy me though. So I said to myself that if I did a full day on plan, and was doing well, then I'd go to IHOP and have their new banana caramel french toast. Well I was on plan, did very well, was down 33 lbs total.. so off we went. I only ate half the breakfast. I had a major headache all day though. went to get a diet soda, and found a cheesecake brownie on clearance, so we bought that too. YUM! Then wanted something yummy for dinner, and ended up with soup and cream cheese jalapeno poppers, and the rest of the brownie. It was a pretty bad day food wise, but I was only back to 32lbs lost, so I consider that a total win.

The other thing I did that was sorta diet related was that I went clothes shopping. I put on one of my favorite shirts, and it too felt like I was swimming in it. I am having a hard time finding clothes, because I don't want to invest a lot of money in clothes that it seems I will only be able to wear for a few months. Hubby doesn't get it. He thinks Im too negative when I pick out clothes. Well I sorta am, but I don't want to plunk down $40 for a shirt that will be too big for me in a couple of months.

However, I did find a really beautiful skirt - a special occasion one - for $40. A little more than I'd want to pay for a regular ol skirt, but it was pretty, and it was one of the few pieces of clothing I actually liked in several stores. I tried on an XL thinking it would be tight for me. I have HUGE hips (20 inches larger than my waist) so I will only look at things that have some elastic in the waist. I pulled it on over my head, and looked at it. It was so pretty. There was even a smidge of room in it. (SAY WHAT??) so I considered getting a smaller size.. I knew I would always have large hips, so even with considerable more weight loss I would be able to wear the XL, but when I went to take it off, I realized it had a zipper in it (SAY WHAT?!?!???) so I bought the L instead (*GASP*) I still haven't tried the L on. if it is too small, so what.. I am loosing weight. if it fits, so what, cause I have no where to wear it at the moment.

This was a total shocker of an experience for me.

And I am back on plan and feeling good about it again (although I do want DD's new french toast stick.. but that is a different story)

So.. my three positive things
1)I had a good productive weekend - finding a gas fireplace for our remodel on clearance
2)I bought yummy gooey things this weekend, and for the most part I knew when to stop when I was sasiated.
3)my tight pants are no longer my tight pants. Not quite ready to go down a size, but I can see it happening

it is official

I am brain dead.. ok, so it is not officially dead, but it is dying a slow and lingering death. I can't seem to get out of my own way to save my life. Its pretty sad.

Second bad bit of news, is that my ears are 'crackling' again. The first time it happened, it got so bad, I wanted to dig out my ear drums. I went to the walk in clinic, and was told my ears aren't draining and there for were full. It sounds and feels like soap bubbles in the ears. I had some of the medication left over, so I took one last night, so hopefully I can nip this right in the bud.

Now.. for the good things..
I got a web cam up and running so I can watch my kittens while at work. its so much fun. they are small and very out of focus, but it makes me giggle.
I got up and exercised and brushed my teeth this morning. I KNOW I should do it every day, but I hate brushing my teeth.. always have. I hate mint.
I finished another segment of work at work. there are 10 billion segments, so I'll have work forever, so I tackle it one segment at a time. (bad thing is, I don't know which of the 10 billion I should do next)
The president signed into law the PETS act, to protect pets and service animals during natural disasters. Only took a year.. wow.. good for them (yes, there is a little sarcasm there.. ) Just glad it is official.. not that it means anything.. (man I am synical)

arrgh

Ok, I know better, honestly I do. I know that I am OK and what not, but frankly getting out of bed was very hard this morning. but I did it. I exercised, I brushed my teeth, I took a shower, had a good breakfast, put on nice clothes, and went off to work.

So why do I feel like a fraud?

probably cause I hate my job. I am totally unchallenged. I get to be on line, and watch my kittens (I set up a web cam so I could), but I totally feel like a monkey could do my job, and if I just disappeared, no big deal.

Although it is a big deal, my boss would miss me - since she'd have to do my job.

Once I have enough money to do the huge project on the house, I think I am either going to quit, or cut back on my hours.. cause staying home and playing chuzzle would make me feel more productive than my job does.

Maybe once I get to that point, I'll have been offered the job I really want. Or maybe I wont. Maybe I'll just become one of those "ladies who lunch".

How silly that doing nothing would make me feel better than working at this job? why on earth is this so soul sucking anyway?? Should probably figure that out first.

Ok, since my posts have been so horrid lately, let me start by ending with three positives in my life.

1) I am loosing weight. I know enough that even when I get all grumpy and want to splurge, to splurge on things that are at least in the rhelm of good for me.
2) I exercised this morning. While I hate to do it, it almost always makes me feel better about three hours later.
3) kittens. My current set LOVE me, and would follow me around all day if they could. They are so sweet, and so cute, and so loving.
4) it is a beautiful summery type day here. Not bad for New England in October.

oops. that was four. So sue me :D

of death and dying

It has been a strange couple of days for me around here. the other week I borrowed some books from the library. One was "I am proud of you" about a man's friendship with Mr. Rogers (yes, that Mr. Rogers) and "Talk Before Sleep". I knew the latter was about breast cancer and a woman's friendship, so it would be sad. I did not know anything about the first. The first turns out to have some death in it as well. The man's brother dies of cancer, then his own greif at when Mr. Rogers dies.

To top it all off, on Friday I was at the vets again. Yes, I am a paranoid mother. Get over it :D. But as I was leaving, I felt I shouldn't leave. I needed to stay for a bit. It was the oddest thing, and I commented it was the oddest thing. I thought maybe it was because I was sick and tired of being seated (being at work that morning, then the 1/2 hr drive down there) but what ever it was, I sat there and chatted even though it was awkward for me.

On the ride home, there was a horrific car accident. It happened near where they started diverting us off the road. I am one to not look at such things. I hate it that everyone goes two miles an hour past it just to get a good look. But since everyone else was going two miles an hour, I had to go two miles an hour, and how can you not look? What I saw scared me silly. The news this morning said the accident was fatal. The guy I saw in the truck, and I did see the guy, died. I can't imagine how he got into the position I saw him in. I thought maybe it was because they were trying to pull him out. I saw the back of his head and his shoulders. It looked as if he had been lying face down on his front seat, and then someone lifted it up. there was a guy near him, but no one was helping him. My thought at the time was that they had gone to get equiptment. Knowing what i know now though, it was probably because he was dead.

And still. After all this death. That horrid little part of my brain that doesn't produce enough of what ever chemical I need to not live my life in darkness decided to not produce enough of that chemical. I spent most of last night, and this morning wishing I wasn't alive.

What is with me?? I do want to be alive.. I know this. I know that no matter how dark it gets, the light will return eventually. that laughter and kitten kisses, and kitty bellies, and chocolate, and my husband and friends are all worth living for. (listed in no particular order btw) So what if my mother is a bitch and has treated me poorly all my life. So what if the rest of my family sees no need in keeping in contact with me. It is their loss. I am fun, and funny, and a good friend. I am smart, and clever, and I am really good at pilling cats :D And no matter what that horrid little part of my brain tells me, I am loved. So take that!++++++ (and that from my cat)

Enough of this.. chocolate here I come.. (but low cal chocolate.. I'm up to 32 lbs lost.. don't want to get back to only 25lbs lost)

So I am going to say it

Now don't flame me or throw things at me, cause deep down you know you are thinking it too.

I have had ENOUGH of the news coverage of the Amish School Shooting.

Yes, it is tragic, yes it is horrible. But what? Are they on some other plain of existence where they are exempt from hurt feelings, and outrages that this "COULD NOT HAPPEN"? I think not. We are all human, we all feel pain. Just because they have their religious belief system all around them, does not mean that the pain is not there. It does not mean that pain is mysteriously and miraculously taken away. I believe in God. I pray to Him almost daily, and sometimes more than daily. I ask for forgiveness, and help with dealing with the emotions that spring up when people say or do things that hurt me either intentionally or by accident. It does not make it go away.

Amish people are just that. People. This morning the "Today" show thought it important that I know that the kids who died were going to be buried in white clothing, and that the mothers were going to wear black for a year, and the fathers were going to wear white shirts. This is news? really? you are freakin kidding me! If I had wanted to know about the Amish people, I would have picked up a book (which I have done in the past).. or better yet, asked my friend Google.

I don't think it is fair, that people who refuse to have their photos taken for fear of being thought of as vain, are now stuck in front of cameras 24/7

Give up. Leave them alone. Focus on WHO did it, and WHY, and maybe, just maybe, throw your resources behind TRYING TO FIND A WAY TO HELP THESE PEOPLE so they don't do this again!!


gack.

31.5

FINALLY I have hit the 30lb mark!! :) As a reward, I was going to have the new Pizza Hut lasagna pizza, but I just couldn't do it! So I stopped at the store and got some pumpkin pie instead, and had one small piece with SF cool whip... so technically Im probably back to 29lbs.. lol. I didn't weigh this morning. Im going to try not to all week, which is next to impossible... I am obsessed with weighing, doing it four or more times a day. I like seeing how much I weigh before I go to sleep, and how much weight I loose sleeping.

Im still pretty brain dead. I can't come up with anyone's name to save my life. it is freakin annoying.

We went to the local pumpkin festivle Saturday. It was cute. Pretty much geered towards kids, which I knew, but they said they would have crafts and a farmer's market, which technically they did, but there were only three stands. It was pretty sad. We bought some pumpkin ice cream, and a pumpkin whoopie pie. In case you didn't know, I LOVE pumpkins, and buy any home decore item this time of year that has "unmutulated" pumpkins on it.

well that's pretty much it. how boring am I?

what is with me??

When I named this blog "Outside the Norm" it was because I felt my ideas and opinions were well.. outside the norm, and frankly they weren't welcome on other venues of expressing ideas. I was sick and tired of being flammed, and labled a freak or an idiot simply because I didn't comform to the standard of what ever group of people I was in. I am an individual, and I have never been one to join in 'group thinking'. it irritates me. I wanted this blog to be mine to express what ever came up. I look back at my past few posts, and wonder where all my ideas and opinions went. Where is the me that shouted at the president for trying to sell us a load of .. well you know what he tried to sell you. Maybe you bought it, maybe you didn't. that isn't the point.

The point is that I have been kinda lame lately, and I know it. I don't really know why... wait.. maybe I do. But it isn't just here.. it is also in RL. I can't seem to call my cats by the right names. I have six of them, and up until recently, I have always been able to come up with the right name for the right cat when they are doing something wrong. Apparently part of my brain has shut down.

Why? Cause my job is so freakin borring, that part of my brain said, Sorry, you don't seem to need me, so I am going on vacation. Bye.

I did take the cats to the vet yesterday. the bill was almost $500. but for seven pets, five sets of vaccines, bloodwork and medication, I really can't complain. It is just hard when you see it all together like that. I went to the vet that I want to work for. He finally opened. I have wanted to work for this vet since I heard the rumor that he would be opening his own clinic two years ago. I guess I have been idealizing going to work for him, cause when I was in there with the cats, I got scared. I guess I didn't want to ruin the dream. But I so need a job where I am engaged and able to interact with people. Where I am not given the most idiotic of jobs (my boss wanted me to return a personal item for him, now he wants me to track it and find out where it is) I want to work with animals.

I want this, and it scares me. But everything scares me on one level or another. Just need to suck it up and get over it.

Or I could win the lottery and be independantly wealthy. That works for me too.

btw... this post is brought to you by the annoying time limits of blogger. I signed in at work, got distracted, tried to post, but after I typed out my nice long entry, it asked me to sign in again, and erased my entire post. grrrr

babies and what not

I am child free by choice. I know that is such a foreign concept for a lot of people, but I couldn't inflict myself on a child. I am too quick to get angry, and while intelligently I know children will do things they have no control over (and that is ok) I know that those things will irritate me, and frankly I do not want to screw up anyone like I was screwed up.

I suppose on the outside I had an idyllic childhood. Two parents who loved each other. Two kids in the family, a single family home, a cat. Food on the table, clothes on my back. I didn't have the latest styles, or excess of ANYTHING, and that is ok. It really is. What I did have was a mother who really should have stopped at one child. She had no idea how to be a parent to me, with my needs being important, not hers. I suppose I know that, and might actually be a wonderful parent, but I can't risk that.

Especially when I run into bratty kids these days. It just irritates me to no end. Why? Cause I know that I was NEVER allowed to act that way. I should be irritated at the parents for allowing it, and for the most part I am, but come on, that high pitched noise kids makes, it just gets us non parents on a cellular level, and I just want it to stop!

Now the kids in my every day life, my nephews, and my husband’s nephews and nieces (and grand nephews and nieces) aren't bad. They were raised to be .... well for lack of a better word, civil.

Now I do know there are kids out there who have.. ugh I am so not politically correct here, but who have wiring problems.. so their behavior isn't actually the parent's fault, but how the parents deal with these kids, and how they allow this behavior in public IS THEIR FAULT! I don't think that kids should be seen and not heard, but I also don't think that kids should be heard and not seen (if you know what I mean)

This rant is brought to you by the toddler at the Post Office the other day.


Ok, so the what not.

I have lost 29.5 lbs. I should be thrilled, and I suppose I am, but I’m looking at the journey, not the present (best) or the past (ok) and the journey is so daunting.. so freakingly up hill. *sigh* I should just be happy with what I have, and with the fact that I know that I am on the right road, so that continuing with my journey is not going to be a hardship (when it comes to weight loss) but one that just comes with the journey. But damn it, I just want to be at the point where I can buy new clothes, and find stuff that is cute, that I look good in, and that I don't have to worry that I'll be loosing 40 -50 more pounds.. ok who am I kidding, I could easily loose 60-70 more pounds.. and so I'll be buying clothes that in a few months won't fit me. (hopefully) I mean I still have clothes I bought five years ago; buying something for a few months is going to hurt.

and to top it all off, THERE IS NOTHING OUT THERE THAT LOOKS GOOD ON ME! ok so maybe it does look good on me, but I don't like it. the styles that are out there right now are too prep, too button down, or too punk for me (why is there nothing in the middle??) I don't even know WHAT I am looking for, so I could possibly find someone to make it for me. I just want to be able to go in a store, and buy a few things for a little money, that won't make me feel like I’m just passing time. *sigh*

Yes, I am frustrated. Yes, I am close to tears when I think about it sometimes. And yes, I do know that even people who are a size zero have a hard time buying clothes. I guess I just have too many issues going on at the moment.

The woman on the support board who weighed way more than I did, who has been very vocal about her journey, which two weeks ago was at the same weight I was. She had a stall, I did not. Her stall ended, and now she weighs less than me, and I am depressed about it. Which is STUPID. my body is different from hers. So what if it takes me longer than anyone else to loose the weight. I AM going to loose it, and that is AlL THAT MATTERS. Guess I just want it gone yesterday.

the 'kids' have a vet appointment tomorrow. Wish me luck carting six cats and a rabbit to the vet :)

Saturday morning cartoons

Yes, I am 35 years old. Yes, I lament the time when you could wake up on Saturday and turn on any channel and find cartoons. Today there are NONE. Couldn't even find them on the family channel, which had kid shows, but all live action, which I have never enjoyed. And when I do find cartoons, they are ... well lets just say the state of cartoons has declined dramatically, and serial cartoons are beyond annoying. Where are the Scooby Doo cartoons? Even Recess and the Weekenders were good.. *sigh* I have to be an adult 99% of the time, I liked being able to wake up and lay in bed with my beloveds and vegging.. I miss that.

I am shedding!!

arrgh.

I have started wearing my bangs up in a barrette, it is so bizzare to me. So to be a little less forein, I have left the rest of my hair down. Since it isn't pulled back into an elastic, I am now fully aware of how often pieces fall out. Every time I turn around, I am pulling another piece off my desk, or out of my mouth, or off my food. how frustrating.

I know this is normal, as it is my fall shedding time, but why can't my hair just stay in my head??

I haven't cut my bangs yet, but I feel it coming. I can't stand this. Fortunately I don't have to spend a great deal of time looking at myself, so they do have a chance..

Weekend is here once again. yea! I so need it. I am so tired. Although I did agree to go over to a friend's house who is computer illeterate and help her sell on ebay. This is going to be a HUGE disaster, but she has been asking me for years, and this is the closest she has come to actually meaning it. She is someone I know through my volunteer work, so we aren't close friends, not even friends that see each other outside of the venue.. so this should be truly interesting.

not much else going on outside of caring for a sick kitten. It is pretty emotionally draining, despite my doing my best to not let it. At the moment I feel like I normally feel after a good long cry. drained, my eyes hurt, achy... I think I need some chocolate.

I am officially down 28lbs. I was 28.5 last week on Sunday (my semi official weigh in day) and despite having a very good day eating, that monday I was back up two pounds, and couldn't get them off again. I hate the change of seasons for this reason alone!! Every freakin time. But that's ok. cause this year I am not going to let them move in :D

saving worms

Nothing explains about me more clearly than the fact of what happened this morning.

I was late to work. I was late to work because I had two different sets of kittens to feed, a rabbit to clean up after and feed, and a cat who needed her blood sugar tested this morning (270, not bad)

Being late to work, I went out into the garage (yes, I have a garage, Im so grown up.. lol) and for some reason I opened the door before I got in the car, something I rarely do. Of course since it downpoured last night, the sill of the garage was covered in worms. Big fat huge worms too (does that mean they are OLD worms?) There were some tiny little worms no bigger than the width of your thumb.

I put my lunch in my car, went back, found a dust pan, and spent 5 minutes saving worms this morning. As I walked one of the big fat worms out to the grass, it was looking for an escape, and of course that escape was in the direction of my hand. So what did I, in my infinate wisdom, say? Im trying to rescue you you silly worm, don't attack me! Fortunately it was another step and they were over the grass, so I just flipped them off the dust pan and went back for more.

So, you can tell me I am silly, or cute, or whatever.. but this is me.

I can't do it!

I want to, I really do. passionately. but it is driving me NUTS!

what you ask?

Grow out my bangs.

I have had bangs since, well frankly since I have had hair. Bad bangs, good bangs, long bangs, short bangs, bangs from bowls, bangs from shag. Permed bangs, straight bangs, feathered bangs, sticking up in the air bangs. I HATE THEM ALL!

I have a cowlick on one side.. they never do what they want, they never cooperate. if I leave them flat I look horrible, if I curl them, they fall. I can't win with them.

I don't think I'd look stellar with out bangs, but man I'd love to try. They are currently at my nose, and look horrible. They are so completely in my way..


You know what though, Im sure I'd look just as horrid with out bangs too. A bad hair day strikes any hair style :)

pet peeves

I have to tell you, NOTHING gets my dander up faster than those guys (and it is always guys, the women almost never do this) who work on road construction, and it is their job to hold the "slow" "stop" sign. They are so freakin full of themselves, and feel they need to .. what? protect me?.. like I have no idea how to drive on a road with something big in the middle of it. Like the time the people down the road from me parked a HOUSE in the middle of the road and there were no guys with signs, how on earth did I get past that house??? tell me, cause according to these guys I can't possibly do it. I MUST be told to slow down even though they are barely in the road, and I am doing the speed limit, and THERE IS NO ONE ELSE AROUND! I also must be told to stop, even though I am 10 feet from the intersection, and if I were at the intersection, I could easily see what was coming and could decide for myself when it was safe to go, I mean I do drive through that intersection every freakin day! To top it all off, he made me wait for the person delivering mail to pull over to the next mailbox before "letting" me pass.

I just really wanted to run him over.

but I didn't. I was a good girl.

Just said a few nasty words to him is all.

but my window was rolled up.

bizarro freako dream

Started off in a doctor's office. It felt like a documentary on how to pick out a new doctor, how they aren't in every building (I was in a large city) and how you'd need to find one close who would listen to you. I was feeling miserable, and was kind of out of it. The dream kept showing me private conversations between staff, and I was not paying attention to them. I knew they were there, and having a conversation loud enough so that I could understand every word they said, but I choose not to listen. Twice this happened, and each time the staff then commented to me that I wasn't doing a very good job of not listening.

It was very busy, and I didn't think I was going to be seen so I left, and went to get something to eat. I was now with several friends. We went to a burger king (I prefer mcds to bk) went to the back area to get drinks. I choose a large because I wasn't feeling well. I couldn't keep the straw in the soda. I asked how the other people were doing it, and they showed me that putting a straw in a straw worked.

my friends had ordered before getting the sodas. we went up to the counter to find a very tall skinny man at the counter. He started to rob the place. He started taking the money and some food. He was yelling and being obnoxious, but was very calm and stood in one place. (it was a small store, very little room to move anyway) Turns out he was an employee who lived in the building. He had dropped a napkin with his name and address imprinted on it. we found it before the police arrived and one of my friends handed it to the staff saying they could let the police know who it was, which was when she explained that he was a financial consultant that worked for them. I was still hungry, so I reached over the counter and took what I thought was a cheeseburger. Turned out to be a double, with the two patties cooked together, so they were both pink on the inside. Tasted like a home made burger instead of the over processed ones at fast food restaurants. Went out side with my friends, and we split up. A tall slightly overweight friend turned into my husband, and we got into an old station wagon. We sat and talked for a few moments, he said it wasn't right that I took the burger. I explained they weren't going to miss it in the grand scheme of things, and that I was hungry and not feeling well. I don't know what became of this conversation, because at that point, twenty or more gun turrets from submarines popped through the pavement. I was like, how are submarines going to move on the pavement?? well they came completely through, almost like hot air balloons, and then were on wheels. I remember thinking "wheels, cool!". They started moving toward the building we had just come from, which felt like a mall at this point.

We sat in the car trying to be inconspicuous. the submarines started pushing cars next to us, so we couldn't escape. They weren't after us at this point, just moving things out of their way, not that I could really see, as I had slipped down to the floor at this point and had my head on the seat. I could see the car next to us on my side had a black and white cat sitting in the window.

That car started moving out of view, and I felt very scared for the first time. I tried to cover my head with a sheet. my husband was telling me to be calm, that they weren't after us, and it started to work till I saw a submarine pull up near us, and I knew it was going to start moving our car.

Which is when I woke up.
two seconds later I am conked on the head by my DH, who has just rollen over in his sleep.

Typing this out, I see some semblance of my waking life in the dream. I woke up not feeling well. Im thirsty. i own a black and white cat (but not one that looks like the one in the dream) and I was pulling the sheet over my face last night when watching last tuesday's episode of house, when they did a needle in the eye biopsy, and brain surgery. Knowing its fake, and seeing it on tv are so totally two different things :)

can we say bizarro freako dream?

grumble grumble

Ok, so no download for PB. I get upset. I call. moronic csr won't let me explain why I am upset. i get irate. i tell her to 'shut up' i immediately regret it. she gets a manager, i appologise, i am promised that it will be there by noon, and she'll call me back.

are you holding your breath? Im not.

weight it back up by a pound or two depending on when I get on the scale.

at leaest anger is camoflaging the hurt.. screw the hurt. Im fine. Going to go out shopping after this stupid program is downloaded. Catalogs can go out monday.

Massage today too. Should be a good weekend.

this morning

Making the post I did last night, and facing the feelings that I have previously dealt with and put away, I woke up this morning feeling pretty destroyed. It was such an odd feeling, but destroyed felt like such an appropriate word. I knew I was in there somewhere. I spent time with Jack (my kitty) and he seemed to know I needed his attention. I put on a shirt I think I look good in, I put on pants that are a little loose on me, and put on my absolutely adorable brown suede shoes.

I came in to work still feeling pretty down, so I put aside projects that seemed never ending, and made it a point to work on a couple that I knew I could finish quickly.

When you feel destroyed, you pick up the pieces, you put them back together and you move on. I guess if I were being honest, I am still pretty fragile, but Im definitely on the mend. (that is until I pick up those feelings again which will happen again, hopefully next time they won't be as powerful)

This dream brought to you by...

Well this is a good one.

Its 2 am. I woke up due to a dream, and a need to go pee, a bad combination for me. I got up, used the facilities, and went back to bed. Slightly stressed over work and life, and with my bed sheets slightly damp - I've been having night sweats the past couple of days - I couldn't go right back to sleep.

So I thought I would distract myself. I tried to picture myself laying in a hammock under a palm cabana in Tahiti. I was picturing the hammock, brought to you by Wal-Mart... which of course is when I just had to laugh, and I knew that it would be useless.

Im stressed about work thanks to Pitney Bowes. For three weeks I have been trying to down load a "slug" to help me send out catalogs. The first time I called them, I spent almost an hour being shuffled from one clueless rep to the next. No one knew how to get me what I needed. I FINALLY found someone, who was like, oh yea, you just need this, and btw it is going to be seventy dollars, and it is going to take five to seven business days for you to be able to down load. hun? what? five to seven business days? This is a computer right? Well I held my tongue and waited. A week and a half later nothing. Called back. After way too long on the phone it was discovered that they had entered the wrong serial number for my machine, and could she verify it. Yes, that was the right number. Ok, I won't charge you, and I'll fix this. Frikken right you won't charge me anything. And I put this in priority. Five days. Hun? what? this IS a computer we are talking about right? whatever. So now my list of catalogs has jumped from 100 to 300. Its going to take me all day to mail them when this finally works. So I wait. I was told it would be there on monday. I call Tuesday. Oh we are so very sorry, the wrong serial number was entered. Yea, you said that the last time, then you verified that you HAD the right number.. Oh Im so sorry she says, but there are no notes to that effect. *imagine me now imagining reaching through the phone and smacking the back of PB's head* Let me put you on hold. 14 minutes later she comes back, apologies for my being on hold for 14 minutes, and says she was trying to track down a manager. Where are the managers in call centers anyway?? Why aren't they policing their CSR staff?? I know when I worked in a call center, there was ALWAYS a manager around, and on that off time when they took a lunch, they were in the building, or if not, there was someone else who could handle something like this. ANYWAY. Again, she is very sorry, but the manager will look into this and WILL call me tomorrow, and it can be uploaded by then. Notice this is Wednesday and I am stressed about this. Guess I'll be calling and they'll be getting my irate WTF are you people doing attitude.

My other stresser is my mother. This past Christmas held some very hurtful moments, and I decided to cut off all contact with her. This of course cut off contact with the rest of my family cause it has just seemed to be that way. My only sibling, my sister, never makes a point to let me know when they are going to be in town so I can come visit them. If I am lucky enough to stumble upon the fact they are in town, then I get to see my nephews, or maybe if my parents happen to think to let me know they are coming. which had always been extremely rare. My husband thinks I should tell my mother the hows and whys of what I feel and why I haven't spoken to her. My thoughts are she should damn well know, all she had to do is think about it. Then my thoughts were, I don't really care if she knows or not, because I have told her my thoughts in the past, and nothing ever changed. Nothing. I have never had a mother daughter relationship with my mother. I always have felt that I was an obligation. A genetic responsibility, never someone cherished. I spent too much of my life wishing I was dead. Planning on ways to die. What good would ever come of telling her? Granted I miss my father terribly, and I miss seeing my nephews. Ive never had any semblance of a sister relationship either. We have nothing in common, and the few times we have tried, it has always been very awkward. And I also have issues with her as well. Nothing from the past... well ok we all have issues from the past, but nothing I can't deal with, my main hurt has been when I have sent gifts to her boys. I have never gotten an acknowledgement. I asked her once why she didn't make the boys send thank you letters. Her response was they were too young. So the next time I sent a gift, I sent along those child thank you post cards, where most of the letter is written, the child just has to sign his name. Nothing. It felt like I was sending gifts out into the night, and then having to track them down to make sure they were received in one piece. No idea if they were enjoyed, if they even made it. Doesn't make you want to run out and buy gifts often.

But I have been listening to books on tape, and the current one I am listening to is about a woman who's sister has just revealed that she was emotionally abused by her mother as a child, and that abuse turned physical from time to time. The woman is in shock that this went on with out her knowing it. While she is dealing with what she is being told, her father dies. Im currently in the middle of the book, so I don't know how it turns out... but it got me to thinking, that I do need to tell my mother that she has caused me to be suicidal. I need her to know. I don't care what happens after that, because I don't see us ever rekindling any semblance of a relationship. but apparently this is something I need. I wrote the first draft earlier this evening. Haven't even shown or told my DH. God only knows if I will have the strength to do this. But I have written it down. The next step is in God's hands.

Sorry to be so heavy on a 3am post.. but maybe since I've gotten it off my chest I can get back to sleep.

hunger

Now this is just bizarre. I am very hungry. None of the food that I am eating is registering. I was in the middle of eating my lunch, and I made a point to pay attention to it, the texture, the taste, etc. I chewed slowly, trying to be aware, to let my body recognize it was getting food. Last bite down, and I wondered where on earth my lunch had gone. Seriously.

I HATE days like this. It is days like this that got me to where I was. I just don't know what to do with myself. I am drinking a ton of water.. I feel like putting myself in the corner or giving myself a time out :)

ok, honestly what I want to do is take myself down to Pizza Hut and get one of their new lasagne pizzas, but I am so not going to do that, cause I'll end up eating the entire thing, then wondering what to have next.

Guess I'll have to come up with some sort of distraction when I get home. Maybe I'll just go to bed at 7 and call it a day!

27.5

I have now lost 27.5 lbs. Annoying thing is I don't see the difference. I know weight loss is in millimeters, but there is nothing in this world that weighs almost 30lbs and isn't immediately obvious!!

I must remember that it is obvious though. I have had to throw away a pair of pants, and another is getting there. There are several shirts I have had to take out of the rotation because they are too big. Even my jackets are fitting better over my arms. It wasn't that obvious to me going on, I shouldn't expect to look immediately thinner comming off. but boy it is hard. They advertise these weight loss products and show you the before and after and casually mention it took x amount of weeks... but you don't see the x amount of weeks, you only see the before and after.

90% of the time, I am on this diet to eat right, and to treat my body better and have the weight loss be secondary. Which is probably why it is working. but that 10% of the time I see a roll of fat or still can't get into the shirt I never should have bought cause it was WAY too small, and I get discouraged. 27.5, 27.5, that is NOTHING to get discouraged about.. i've come a long way baby..

Where's my fairy godmother??

When you are little, they spend time reading fairy tales to you. You hear of fairy godmothers, how the good triumph in the end, and magic is real. You hear of Santa, and the Easter bunny, and the tooth fairy.

They teach you to be fair, and to do the right thing, and to play well with others.

Then they get annoyed with you when you shout out things like "That is NOT fair!!"

They they spout "Life isn't fair, get used to it"

So then why do they spend their time teaching that life should be fair, and the good win in the end?

Ever feel like you are being watched?

Im sitting at the computer working on updating my kittyblog, while the DH was nice enough to put together dinner for me. He just brought it in to me, and Em decided she wanted a taste.. I don't think so. So I put her on the ground. I figured it was just me and her in here, but when I turned to put her on the floor, there were several cats behind me, including one on the back of my chair.

I love that they always want to be with me.. but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish they wouldn't sneak up on me like that.

sleep and shop

Well yesterday I realized I am now allergic to my down pillows.

Finding the right pillows for me has been a huge battle. FINALLY I found the down ones that worked. Granted they weren't PERFECT, but pretty darn close. Well after about a year, and feathers all over the freakin house, I noticed I was sleeping poorly, and waking up stuffed up. So I went out and got some covers that are supposed to reduce allergins from pillows, well apparently putting those on kicked up a lot of whatever, because last night was MISERABLE!! I finally threw them off to the side and started sleeping on one of my Dh's abandoned pillows. Went out like a ROCK, and got up like one too. Been a zombie all day. grrr.

So I am getting ready for work, and once again my 25lb weight loss has caused problems in the shirt I wanted to wear was hanging off me and showing both bra straps. Into the pile that goes. I NEED new clothes darn it!! Probably next week I'll go out looking again, when HOPEFULLY the new winter clothes will be out... as I hated the fashions for summer/fall.grrr

So I found a shirt that worked, and went into the bathroom to finish getting ready. I look at all the products on my bathroom counter. I don't have a medicine cabnet, so most of the stuff is out. Its frustrating too because a lot of the stuff I don't really like so much, but the fugal part of me can't throw them away. They function just fine, but I don't like the smell as much as some of the others. I grew up with the "use it all' mentality, and I can't shake it. I am working on it with the food ("Clear your plate, we don't want to waste food!" well it is just as much wasted on my hips as it is in the trash) and not doing too bad, but why is it I can't throw out the bottle of soap that I've had for two plus years?? I got so annoyed looking at it I just wanted to throw EVERYTHING away and start over and buy everything new. talk about your wastes.. *sigh* I'd never do it either.. cause I'd look at something and say "This is perfectly good, I can't throw this out"

When I started NS, I went through the cupboards (well most of them) and the fridge and did that. You have no idea how much it hurt to throw out perfectly good cookies, and jars of chocolate sauce.. Even the horribly ashamfully outdated caramal sauce was difficult.

(and forgive me for stating repeatedly about my 25lb weight loss. I get bummed when the scale doesn't move from day to day, so I have to remember how far I have come so I don't get discouraged)

lets try this blogging thing again

I like blogging, I like journaling in general, but I guess I have fallen into the "my life is not interesting" trap. I hate it when people tell me that for reasons why they haven't written.

So, lets see if I can do this.

A few updates. I am still at my job. Doing a good job at it apparently. Im told often I am just too fast :) I like to think of it as effecient. Sadly I am bored out of my skull here. The job is not challenging in the least. But they pay very well, and treat me very well, so I am not going to go and do anything drastic by leaving or anything. I just amuse my mind several times a day with spider solitaire..

Car, still haven't gotten one, still haven't FOUND one. Still only looking at the new ones cause that is all that is around here, but I can't spend 30k for a car.. I can't. Ok technically I can, but I refuse. Im still looking for a used solara convert, but now 04 and later. You know, I haven't seen an 03.. odd. Maybe they didn't make them that year. Im thinking I am going to have to Ebay it. I went and test drove the new ones, and I drooled again. I love this car.

kittens, good, see kitten blog.

Cats, ok, see kitten blog.

Just before June, I started a diet. I had had it with myself trying to do it by watching what I ate, well actually what I was doing was watching the scale move up. It was so discouraging. So I joined Nutrisystem. I really had no doubts that it would work, and work it has. So far I have lost 25lbs. I have thrown away one pair of pants, and am close to throwing another because they are too loose. I went through my shirts, and if I got rid of everything that was too big for me, I would have nothing to wear, and I am having NO luck finding anything new that is cute, that I like, that would be good to wear while I loose another 25lbs. Technically i could probably loose 100lbs in general, but then I would be a weight I haven't seen since the fourth grade, and frankly I think that might just be "too skinny" on my body type. But who knows. I'll just ride this train till Im sick of it and then get off.

One big component of NS is drinking all the water you are 'supposed' to and then some. You know, the whole 8 glasses a day? Well I have always been big on drinking.. it was usually Mountain Dew.. Then it was Diet MD.. then diet pepsi, and finally I said enough was enough. I got off all soda about a year or two ago.. and frick if that wasn't HARD. Anyone who thinks it isn't addicting is just wrong. My DH kept drinking it, and I would look at him and want to knock him down to drink his. Fortunately I never did (he is very thankful) I moved from soda to sugar free drink mixes like crystal light. I am picky when I drink straight water, but here at work I drink gallons of it. TONS of it. I am the poster child for drinking water. 99% of the time I pee clear cause I keep myself so filtered.

Well when I got down about 20lbs, I still felt miserable. My back was killing me and I had no energy. I finally broke down and got a massage. I LOVE massage. Well the first one was amazing. The second two weeks later was a little less amazing since I was still fragle from the first one. It is causing me to let go of a lot of 'toxins' or build up or what ever, cause I am feeling better and I am peeing YELLOW!! which is frustrating, cause I know it generally means I am not drinking enough water, but if I drink any more I am seriously am going to float away. So I'll just do what I can, and eventually I should catch up.

well enough for today... got to save stuff for the next post :D