I am allergic to diet soda

Right before I was laid off, I was drinking a lot of tea. To try to cut some calories out of my diet, I was drinking my tea with splenda. Then my legs started to itch, and itch badly. Right above my knees. If I could have cut the flesh off to stop it, I would have. I cut the splenda out of my diet and it stopped. Well the other day I bought a four pack of diet dr pepper with vanilla and cherry. I ended up drinking three of them in one day, and the fourth the next. That night my legs itched so bad. I relate it to when you go out in the ice cold unprotected, and your skin gets excessively cold, and you come into the heat.. yea.. that bad.

This is frustrating, cause splenda is really the only sweetner used in diet drinks. There is only so much water i can drink.

Diet wise Ive been doing horrid lately. Ive felt so extremely hungry. I will admit I often eat to mask other feelings, but Im not now. I was sitting in the other room happily reading, covered in kitties, and I had to get up and eat. Today I had a huge lunch of brown rice, peas, and white beans... it was bigger than it should have been, but there weren't two servings left. Three hours after eating I was starving again!! arrrgh! this better stop soon!

Not to mention that exercising has been getting harder and harder. For a while there I could do the fourty minutes and be ready for some more, and would go out for a walk. Now I can barely get through five minutes with out my body calling for mercy. Well ok now Im up to 20 minutes again.. but just recently I was at five. Sadly I have to do what I can, stop and reset, and force myself through some more. Several times Ive forced myself to do too much and I end up getting natious.. Its not fun. How on earth am I supposed to loose weight if I can't stop eating, and I can't work out?!?!

The Future

So, Im home alone most days, just me and the kitties and my computer and a few good books. I go do volunteer work twice a week, and for the whole that sustains me. I am often asked if I am having any luck looking for work. Why? Work is SOO over rated.

But then I ask myself, will this work for me for the rest of my life? If not, what on earth do I want to do with the rest of my life? I have never really been that driven into any one field. I like helping people. I like being able to solve people's problems, and being the one in the group that has the odd bit of information that 'saves the day'.

Songs on the radio and internet email jokes prompt people to look into themselves and think about what they would do if they knew they were going to die next week or next month. So I think about it. Sadly, (or not depending on your perspective) Im doing it. The only thing I would probably do differently is that I would blow all the money I have in savings on a few silly things. So why don't I do that now? well cause Im not dying, and I feel safer with my savings where they are.

I have no need for travel, Im not a big fan of book learning. I don't like being outside at all, and frankly with my past history of dealing with people who have called themselves my friends, I find life safer and happier at home with my kitties. Sounds totally pathetic doesn't it? Is it? who am I to say. Im generally happy with my life, and that is a lot more than other people can say. Who is to say that a life filled with societies accompleshments is more important than mine? Ok sure, society probably is.. but I have so little use for the trappings of life. I don't want awards or acculades.

I do feel like there should be more.. Really I do, but for the life of me I can't figure out what it is. So I shall be content with this for now.. and if perchance I think of something..

The world is my oyster, and Im sitting in the butter :)

My Mother

Not sure what I posted here about my mother, so I'll start from..

hum.. good question. Lets start from the end. Im not talking to her. I love my dad, and have no problem with him (except that he's married to her) and it kills me that Im having no contact with him, but frankly I can't deal with my mother any more.

Why does it feel like Ive posted this before?? *reads past posts* Hum.. nope. So lets see. I am the second and last daughter to my parents who are still together. Got to give them credit for that. My sister is a lot like my mother, and I am a lot like my father. My mother has no idea how to deal with me, and never has, so she deals with me like she deals with my sister and figures that has to be good enough. Every year for birthdays and christmas, my sister and I get the exact same gifts, all designed to be good things for my sister, but have nothing to do with me. This year it was a traveling make up kit. I do not wear make up - haven't since I was 16 when it was determined that I am allergic to it, and I do not travel. A pretty insignificant thing to get up set over, but it is the gain of sand that adds into the wonderfully expansive beach that is my life with my mother. If I didn't look so much like my father, and my cousin, I would wonder if I wasn't the ugly step child she never wanted. Who knows.. maybe I am. Maybe dad had an affair and forced me upon her.. (I so doubt it - that and there is SOME physical resemblance) Although it would explain a LOT.

So for the first time ever, I expressed some displeasure at the gift, and asked if she kept the receipt via email. I politely explained that since I don't wear make up and I don't travel, I really had no use for the item, and inquired if she had the receipt. She fired back that she didn't have the receipt, and that since she did travel and did wear make up, she'd take it, and since we were exchanging gifts back, that I could take back the "stupid" (ok she didn't say stupid, but you could hear it) jewelry box I gave her - since she had a whole piece of furniture devoted to her jewelry. (the woman couldn't even come up with the word armoire) I wrote back that I was fully aware of her armoire but that I THOUGHT she might like a separate box to keep special pieces or stuff she wears more often. I closed with "I will not make THAT mistake again" and I bounced the emails from her.

I have not spoken to her again. Nor my dad, despite his birthday at the end of January. That hurt. But I am sick and tired of being treated like less than worthy. I won't allow myself in that situation again, and I KNOW she will not change with out some dramatic reason... goodness.. who am I kidding, she won't change even then! Back when I was young, my mother the neat freak, and I the very much not the neat freak, would fight constantly about the state of mess of my room. My hubby - who was the boy friend at the time - suggested I make an effort to keep it clean to try to keep the peace. So I did. What did she do? Did she take note and say she had noticed, or even thank me? NO! She started criticizing me on everything from the way I dressed, to my hair, to the fact that I got an A- instead of an A+ on a paper.. I called her on it one day, and she admitted that yes, she did notice I was keeping my room cleaner, but wouldn't realize what she was doing, so I went back to keeping my room a mess, and all of a sudden my dress and my hair and my grades went back to being ok.

So anyway, for the most part I feel moronic for bitching about a mother who gives me gifts, and invites me over for dinner, but to me these are just the window dressing to show the world she is a good mother. Her abuse might not be physical, but mental abuse is just as damaging, and I won't be there for that any more.

So why am I blogging about this now? Well cause apparently her brother is over visiting, and she had him call to invite us over to visit. least I think so, his accent is a little more than a little thick, so it was hard to make out, but the point is clear.

This woman has ruined every freakin relationship I have EVER had. How my husband is still with me I have NO idea. I question him constantly. Fortunately he is more than willing to put up with that. I have a hard time trusting that ANYONE wants to really spend any time with me, and that they aren't just making a show of it for what ever reason they might have. It hurts, and I am going to make it stop. Its hard not to listen to that little voice, but Ive decided Im not going to any more.

Its just hard when you have friends who end up getting busy and cancel get togethers..

But if I can not listen to the negative thoughts in my head, I can not listen to these either :)

the darkness at the door

Im doing well in my new resolution to be positive.. but it hasn't been easy. At night my dreams are dark and dreary. All my friends turning their backs on me, or doing something heroic, and someone else gets all the credit and i get all the blame. grrrr. Its just something I need to totally let go of. Its just a story Im reading, nothing that pertains to me as a person. Yea.. that's it. Unfortunately its in my perspective, and Im left with the emotions. Very hard to dismiss.

Ive been doing better exercising. Food consumption has been up a bit, but Im ok with that for right now. I can only make one change at a time. Today Im going to get off my duff and tackle the pile of junk on my office desk. I unpacked a few boxes a while back, and there were some things that I felt I needed to keep, but didn't have an immediate place for it, so it went on my desk. This makes the cats unhappy as they like to lounge on it when Im on the computer. this is my project for today. I WILL get it taken care of. Really.

when sticking your cat

Don't stick yourself in the thumb.. it hurts. Im doing a curve on Em today. Decided to do it every hour and see how she reacts to insulin. So far so strange. She's been all over the map. in a couple of hours she is going to vomit and I have no idea why. but that is a post for a different blog.

So far I got another unemployment statement telling me Im still disqualified. Hopefully that just went out before she fixed it and I have a check in the mail today. I don't NEED the check, but it would be nice to get it. Ive already designated that money to go to em's vet bill.

Lets see.. what's up with me. not a whole heck of a lot.. Been reading. I read "the constant princes" about king henry viii's first wife. Didn't know it was historical fiction when I picked it up. Very interesting.

Im still bleeding, Im so going to need a bandaid

Been doing a lot of research on em's condition too, but that's for a different blog.

goodness Im boring.

Watched the superbowl. I picked the steelers the day before - i abhor professional sports. I think it is horrible how people worship the teams and the individual players. But, I watch the superbowl... and the commercials. And the hubby is in to the game, so I watch. Was a pretty good game. I watched a game once where they faked the punt. I loved that move. No one ever has done it again. Very sad.

I haven't been doing too badly on keeping my spirits up. I got a new supplement from the store, and I have to wonder if that has helped. I do plan on keeping up with it. No idea what it is off the top of my head, but I still have the bottle. something 5. supposed to help with appetite too, but I don't see that. I guess the feeling is if you are happy you won't feel so compelled to eat. Wish that worked in my case.

Oh well. Will just have to make the best of it and force myself out of the kitchen.

don't you just love computers

So I called the Unemployment office this morning and spoke to a very lovely woman who told me that my unemployment was disqualified due to a previous disqualification (see previous post about obnoxious moron boss who fired me for having an opinion) and that she would take that off immediately and she even offered to take my claim card for last week over the phone. She was so nice. Although she didn't give me her name.

*yea*

unemployeed

Ok, please tell me how one becomes unemployeed and collects unemployment these days. The last time I tried to collect unemployment I was determined not to be eliagble because I was fired for giving a customer an opinion that was asked for. *rolls eyes* Now Im not getting it because I was laid off due to the fact that they can't afford to pay me... which to me is lack of work.

Findings of fact: Claimant was laid off due to lack of work or the claimant's hours were reduced on 1/16/2006. The term of employment was more than five consecutive weeks.

Reasoning: Chapter 11 of the commison rules provides in part that determinations that separation was due to lack of work shall be in writing and shall be sent to the claimant and the claimnet's most recent employer. This rule also provides that the employer shall be notified if the exerience rating record is to be charged with benefits paid. This is the claimant's and the employer's notice that separation was due to lack of work.

say WHAT??

it then goes on to say

your experience rating record will be charged because separation was due to lack of work and the term of employment exceeded five consecutive weeks

I still have absolutely no idea what this means. This means I am going to have to make a long distance phone call and spend money I am apparently not going to get in income. You know, somewhere around here I have the notification from last year that says I can collect from my being fired after I make an additional thousand or so dollars from some other source. That made no sence to me either.. Got to love the goverment!