Since Easter, Ive been feeling a pretty overwhelming sence of dispair. I don't know why. That small part of my dark brain keeps asking what is the point, and why. I hate this.
Im fortunate that I don't feel the need to stay in bed all day - although I really want to since Im not sleeping well at night at all. 5 hours last night. Woke up 4 times the night before. No particular reason that I can think of.. Probably all the same part of my brain.
Maybe I should get out and get some sunshine (EWWWW) Maybe the vitamin D will help?
What I really want is something warm, and gooey, and totally bad for me. Self medicating with food NEVER helps.
Completing projects hasn't helped either.
Being complemented at work hasn't
kittens wanting to cuddle is nice, but the effect is even shorter than gooey and bad.
eating well hasn't either.
being with friends.. Well not so much in person but on the net anyway.. nope.
hubby.. nope
Even when I do feel the spark of "OK" I feel a pressure on my head.. like a headache with out the pain (or maybe Im just so used to the pain at this point I can no longer feel it)
Im just hoping that blogging about it will make it better. Here's hoping.
4.10.2006
first day on the job
Ok, I am so freakin nervous!! I don't know why. The whole introducing myself to new people, learning a whole new set of rules and protocols, jumping into unknown water feet first.. aaaaaack!
Im trying to hold it together and not fall completly apart.. or even a little apart. I figured maybe venting a little of the nervousness here might help. Probably not.
I had an extremely disturbing dream last night. I was fostering a new set of kittens. They were up for adoption and I was showing them to someone. I put them in a big bucket for some reason. A few minutes later I put in a very long heavy box, and heard a sickning crack. I woke up before I could figure out what happened. The part of my brain still processing the dream tried to convince myself that it was just the box creaking.. that the kittens were fine. Didn't make it any less disturbing though.
arrrgh!
Doesn't help that I am still all itchy, and I cracked a nail off the other day. (acrylic) I feel so like Ive been through a meat grinder.
Well I should be going. Wish me well.
Im trying to hold it together and not fall completly apart.. or even a little apart. I figured maybe venting a little of the nervousness here might help. Probably not.
I had an extremely disturbing dream last night. I was fostering a new set of kittens. They were up for adoption and I was showing them to someone. I put them in a big bucket for some reason. A few minutes later I put in a very long heavy box, and heard a sickning crack. I woke up before I could figure out what happened. The part of my brain still processing the dream tried to convince myself that it was just the box creaking.. that the kittens were fine. Didn't make it any less disturbing though.
arrrgh!
Doesn't help that I am still all itchy, and I cracked a nail off the other day. (acrylic) I feel so like Ive been through a meat grinder.
Well I should be going. Wish me well.
4.06.2006
updates
Ok, so I have been putting out feelers for a job. I wasn't dead serious about it. I want a job I love. I want something I want to go to every day. I know no job is perfect, but I've had "want" to go to work instead of "have" to, and I want that again.
Well I ran into a job that sounded very interesting and challenging. Im going to be a personal assistant to a guy. He travels in and out of the country (no I will not be) and it sounds like I can really sink my teeth into this job and enjoy it. I could hate it to no end, but I could love it.
Before I was offered the job, I interviewd at a spa. Way less money, but way WAY better benifits. (can we say at cost services!!) Visually it is a prettier work enviroment. hours stink too. but look at the benifits!! This job won't even let me know if they are intersted in me till monday... where as i've officially taken the other job.
Part of me really wants them to offer it to me, but the part that doesn't want to tell the first job no hopes they don't.
Then on a physical level, Ive run into a pretty nasty virus. The official name is pityriasis rosea. (do a google for some pretty weird pictures) I have the very itchy kind. It has made me very tired, but I can't sleep for the itching. Also muscle aches. It hasn't been fun. I postponed starting at the new job till monday hoping that it won't itch so much (and cause I was hoping for a job offer shhh)
The one very odd thing about this, is how my mind has reacted to it. Now Ive never had a picture perfect body, but I was never ashamed of it. Wished it wasn't quite so bumpy sure.. but Ive never been offended when looking at it... until now. These stupid rash things are really irritating me. I was trying to curl my hair this morning with out a shirt, and I had to stop and get dressed cause looking at them irked me. I don't know why. I didn't do anything to cause them. Its a simple reaction to something, so I should totally accept them, like the red bumps on the back of my arms which I always have, but I can't. *shrug* Maybe Im just supposed to accept that I can't accept them? I could probably accept them better if they DIDN'T ITCH SO DARN MUCH! Heat makes it worse too. Well it goes beyond itching to freakin painful.
Anyway..
So I guess you are caught up in my life. Sad how little there was to write about. I suppose if I weren't so freakin tired I could come up with more stuff Ive done.. but I guess that is for another post :)
Well I ran into a job that sounded very interesting and challenging. Im going to be a personal assistant to a guy. He travels in and out of the country (no I will not be) and it sounds like I can really sink my teeth into this job and enjoy it. I could hate it to no end, but I could love it.
Before I was offered the job, I interviewd at a spa. Way less money, but way WAY better benifits. (can we say at cost services!!) Visually it is a prettier work enviroment. hours stink too. but look at the benifits!! This job won't even let me know if they are intersted in me till monday... where as i've officially taken the other job.
Part of me really wants them to offer it to me, but the part that doesn't want to tell the first job no hopes they don't.
Then on a physical level, Ive run into a pretty nasty virus. The official name is pityriasis rosea. (do a google for some pretty weird pictures) I have the very itchy kind. It has made me very tired, but I can't sleep for the itching. Also muscle aches. It hasn't been fun. I postponed starting at the new job till monday hoping that it won't itch so much (and cause I was hoping for a job offer shhh)
The one very odd thing about this, is how my mind has reacted to it. Now Ive never had a picture perfect body, but I was never ashamed of it. Wished it wasn't quite so bumpy sure.. but Ive never been offended when looking at it... until now. These stupid rash things are really irritating me. I was trying to curl my hair this morning with out a shirt, and I had to stop and get dressed cause looking at them irked me. I don't know why. I didn't do anything to cause them. Its a simple reaction to something, so I should totally accept them, like the red bumps on the back of my arms which I always have, but I can't. *shrug* Maybe Im just supposed to accept that I can't accept them? I could probably accept them better if they DIDN'T ITCH SO DARN MUCH! Heat makes it worse too. Well it goes beyond itching to freakin painful.
Anyway..
So I guess you are caught up in my life. Sad how little there was to write about. I suppose if I weren't so freakin tired I could come up with more stuff Ive done.. but I guess that is for another post :)
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