ok, I am a little scared now

I have had a dot on my right thigh for a while now. I didn't know what it was, but it didn't look menacing at all, so i just kinda ignored it - while keeping an eye on it.

Today I ran my finger over it, and it hurt.

I am your typical totally fair haired, red head, blue eyed girl who has shied away from sun for years for fear of skin cancer. I know my father, and maybe even my mother, have had spots removed.

Hopefully it is nothing, but I don't know when I can get into the dr to see.

Maybe I'll wait until tomorrow and try the fingernail thing again and see if it still hurts before I freak totally out.

Nostradamus

"Come the millennium, month 12,
In the home of greatest power,
The village idiot will come forth
To be acclaimed the leader."
-- Nostradamus, 1555

technically, I am at work

but I dont think I have done a drop of work all day. No wait.. I printed out mailing lables after fixing a few of the zipcodes.. (20 minutes tops) and worked on about 100 images and fixing their key words..

I have no motivation to work. so I sit and read things I shouldn't... Play spider solitaire, and now blog.. Im such a role model..

Now I am holding down the fort basically on my own (the guy that works on the photos is here, but he won't / can't interact with customers) Lets just hope the phone doesn't ring for another three hours (possible, but not likely)

I couldn't get my butt to exercise this morning, so I took a quick walk at lunchtime, and did about 1,000 steps. Not too impressive, but impressive that I did something.

Im also doing door push ups when I have to use the bathroom. First day I did 10 each time, but now my chest hurts a little, so I cut back to five till that stops.

I haven't wanted to loose weight for a goal since my prom. This is such a bizarre feeling. Although it didn't stop me from having a donut for breakfast. Bad.. I know.. but I have been wanting it for several days now, and the calorie count between that and my granola bar wasn't THAT different. Despite it not being all I wanted, I ate all of it anyway. another bad I know.

I wonder how long it will take before I can look at my body and notice that I've lost weight? Im afraid of that answer.

so on to my three positive thoughts..
1) fig and pumpkin - while too many calories - makes a good milkshake.
2) most of my clothes are too big
3) I still haven't cut my bangs

you know.. these three positives are not the best are they.. cause Im sitting here typing them, and qualifying them.. too many calories... need to buy more clothes... only cause Im lazy, not because Im motivated to grow them out any more.

sigh.

I need to stop qualifying and just be happy with things.

i am so tired

for the past few nights, I have been woken up by the sound of a kitty hurling. Last night, muffin decided to do it while IN the bed. wench. The night before it was Em. She really shouldn't be hurling any more. I don't know what is up with her. I'll give the meds a few more weeks, but if I don't see any more improvement, I'll have to take her back to the vet.

before that it was my pillows. I have feather pillows I LOVE. Unfortunately my sinuses don't. I went out and got allergy covers, and that helped for a couple of weeks, but again Im waking up all stuffed. *sigh*

I put on weight when I don't get enough sleep. I laughed at the studies that said that people who don't get enough sleep weigh more, but I seriously retain something when I only get 6 hours of sleep. I weigh two to three pounds more. Its frustrating, but I know once I get a few good nights sleep, they'll go away again.

Im 3 to 5 pounds away from a goal I was hoping to hit on Halloween. Even if I exercise twice a day between now and then, I doubt I'll hit it, but darn it if Im not going to try. Now if I can just get a good night's sleep so Im on the 3 side of that 3 to 5.

Work is still killing me. I am doing my best not to dwell on how much I hate the actual work. Im doing quarterly commissions. they are never simple. this time is no exception. it is mind numbing, and tedious, but I have a job, and it is good to me, so I should shut up and be thankful.

Now if I could just get my DH off his tush and get the renovations started on the house, I'd have something to look forward to.

One side effect of loosing weight for me has been that I have been cold a LOT. doesn't help that while at work I have to sit next to an AIR CONDITIONER going at full blast. we have a server that is very tempature sensitive. An air conditioned server box is en route, but till it gets here..

I guess being cold is a small price to pay. I just wish I didn't have to pay the "saggy skin" charge as well.

Ive always said I don't care about the trappings. Id be happy with my body no matter what. The time I got the rash a few months ago slapped me in the face. I couldn't stand to look at myself. I was floored. Im getting to that point now as well. 100+ lbs over weight Im in love with myself, but loose 50lbs (from my heighest for those of you who are paying attention) and Im annoyed with myself. If I loose much more, am I going to hate myself? Goodness I hope not!

i suppose there is always surgery if it gets too bad, but like I want to live with scars. *sigh* guess I can't win.

i really should have listened to myself in HS when I said I would NEVER let myself get over 200lbs.

another thing happened in my life last night. Although technically it didn't happen TO my life. My neighbors are elderly, and an ambulance came to one of their houses. This couple are in their 60s and one is suffering from cancer. I got scared for them, and went to my other neighbor's house (who is also doing NS). she said it was most likely for the wife's mother who is 93 and who has had major health issues. I still don't know what happened. but the busses (there were two)were there for a long time. I would imagine if she died at home, one of them would have left right away. But that's just me making assumptions.


So.. my three positives. Its been a while, you'd think this would be easy...

1) I still haven't cut my bangs. Im proud of myself for giving this a serious go, but I am afraid I am at the end of my rope (is this a positive??)
2) I have exercised both yesterday (twice) and today. Im hoping to do twice a day till halloween... no scratch that. I am going to do twice a day till halloween.
3)I have a function to go to on wednesday, and I am actually looking forward to it. Although I know I will have to deal with the comments on my weight loss (hopefully not too many, as it will be mostly men who don't know me real well) which I don't deal with really well.

the death of a classmate

Cleaning out my rabbit's cage, I opened up the local paper and lined it. I happened to have just read that paper.. so it was kinda bizarre to stumble across an obit for someone I know.

Her name was Sally. She was an absolute bitch all through school. First class. How she ever kept friends, I have no idea, but then most of the girls in my class were pretty freakin nasty to one another, so they probably all thought it was funny.

She was part of the A group. You know the kids. The smart, the popular, the well off, the always has a date and always has a party to go to.

Not only was this girl a bitch, but she was not what one would call pretty. She was extremely pale with almost white hair. I often told myself she was an albino. Id tell myself anything to try to justify her nasty behaviour.

All through grade school, then highschool. She might not have gone out of her way to torment me, but if I was around.. things would be said..

In high school, I decided I had had enough of listening to their crap, and decided that they did not matter. They were no more important than I, and maybe even less so since they were so petty and so self serving. I figured anyone who had to put someone else down to make themselves feel better needed to be pittied. Not that their slights and comments didn't still hurt, but I did my best to tune them out. I knew I'd never even come close to being prom queen, I did my best to make my high school years livable (not that I would EVER want to go back there, EVER!)

I ran into Sally a couple of years ago. She wasn't any more open, or friendly or appeared to be any more compassionate. Maybe she was ashamed of her treatment of me, or maybe she was still that self centered person. I'll never know. At the time, I didn't care to know.

But now she is dead. I am pretty sure that the death of anyone else I went to school with would upset me... but I can't seem to muster any emotions for her. I feel like a bad person for not caring. I am by no means happy she died... and I won't try to pretend I never wished for it as a child... but Im not sad for it either.

Of course, I haven't really given her much of a thought in the 15 yrs since school. There was that one encounter..

I guess my feelings tend toward those you'd feel when you hear on the news that someone died.

I must stop questioning if I am a bad person for not caring more.

This also leads me to wonder how I'll feel when my mother dies. I have often said I won't care. My mother has always made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I'd hate to think I won't be bothered when my mother dies.. but we've never had a good relationship, and like Sally I had to let go of all that hurt to move on and enjoy my life..

Ok, so since this was such a bummer of a post, lets end on three things that are good.

1) Pandora.com: OMG!! I put in prince and madonna and created a shuffel, and they play all the right music!!
2) cuteoverload.com it makes me waste WAY too much time.. but that's ok
3) online contests.. the real ones.. Im a sucker for entering contests.. like my local lottery advertises, all it takes is a buck and a dream, well here I don't even need the buck :D

Seven Days

Well how did that happen that I went seven days with out posting?? Good question. Although since I took a three day weekend, technically I only post on week days.. so Im looking at four days.. but still.

So, I was wallowing in my diet. Was getting sick of not being able to eat 'real food' - which btw is a total cop out, but I digress. So friday night we went out for Pizza Hut lasagna pizza. It was just ok. DH loved it.

It totally didn't satisfy me though. So I said to myself that if I did a full day on plan, and was doing well, then I'd go to IHOP and have their new banana caramel french toast. Well I was on plan, did very well, was down 33 lbs total.. so off we went. I only ate half the breakfast. I had a major headache all day though. went to get a diet soda, and found a cheesecake brownie on clearance, so we bought that too. YUM! Then wanted something yummy for dinner, and ended up with soup and cream cheese jalapeno poppers, and the rest of the brownie. It was a pretty bad day food wise, but I was only back to 32lbs lost, so I consider that a total win.

The other thing I did that was sorta diet related was that I went clothes shopping. I put on one of my favorite shirts, and it too felt like I was swimming in it. I am having a hard time finding clothes, because I don't want to invest a lot of money in clothes that it seems I will only be able to wear for a few months. Hubby doesn't get it. He thinks Im too negative when I pick out clothes. Well I sorta am, but I don't want to plunk down $40 for a shirt that will be too big for me in a couple of months.

However, I did find a really beautiful skirt - a special occasion one - for $40. A little more than I'd want to pay for a regular ol skirt, but it was pretty, and it was one of the few pieces of clothing I actually liked in several stores. I tried on an XL thinking it would be tight for me. I have HUGE hips (20 inches larger than my waist) so I will only look at things that have some elastic in the waist. I pulled it on over my head, and looked at it. It was so pretty. There was even a smidge of room in it. (SAY WHAT??) so I considered getting a smaller size.. I knew I would always have large hips, so even with considerable more weight loss I would be able to wear the XL, but when I went to take it off, I realized it had a zipper in it (SAY WHAT?!?!???) so I bought the L instead (*GASP*) I still haven't tried the L on. if it is too small, so what.. I am loosing weight. if it fits, so what, cause I have no where to wear it at the moment.

This was a total shocker of an experience for me.

And I am back on plan and feeling good about it again (although I do want DD's new french toast stick.. but that is a different story)

So.. my three positive things
1)I had a good productive weekend - finding a gas fireplace for our remodel on clearance
2)I bought yummy gooey things this weekend, and for the most part I knew when to stop when I was sasiated.
3)my tight pants are no longer my tight pants. Not quite ready to go down a size, but I can see it happening

it is official

I am brain dead.. ok, so it is not officially dead, but it is dying a slow and lingering death. I can't seem to get out of my own way to save my life. Its pretty sad.

Second bad bit of news, is that my ears are 'crackling' again. The first time it happened, it got so bad, I wanted to dig out my ear drums. I went to the walk in clinic, and was told my ears aren't draining and there for were full. It sounds and feels like soap bubbles in the ears. I had some of the medication left over, so I took one last night, so hopefully I can nip this right in the bud.

Now.. for the good things..
I got a web cam up and running so I can watch my kittens while at work. its so much fun. they are small and very out of focus, but it makes me giggle.
I got up and exercised and brushed my teeth this morning. I KNOW I should do it every day, but I hate brushing my teeth.. always have. I hate mint.
I finished another segment of work at work. there are 10 billion segments, so I'll have work forever, so I tackle it one segment at a time. (bad thing is, I don't know which of the 10 billion I should do next)
The president signed into law the PETS act, to protect pets and service animals during natural disasters. Only took a year.. wow.. good for them (yes, there is a little sarcasm there.. ) Just glad it is official.. not that it means anything.. (man I am synical)

arrgh

Ok, I know better, honestly I do. I know that I am OK and what not, but frankly getting out of bed was very hard this morning. but I did it. I exercised, I brushed my teeth, I took a shower, had a good breakfast, put on nice clothes, and went off to work.

So why do I feel like a fraud?

probably cause I hate my job. I am totally unchallenged. I get to be on line, and watch my kittens (I set up a web cam so I could), but I totally feel like a monkey could do my job, and if I just disappeared, no big deal.

Although it is a big deal, my boss would miss me - since she'd have to do my job.

Once I have enough money to do the huge project on the house, I think I am either going to quit, or cut back on my hours.. cause staying home and playing chuzzle would make me feel more productive than my job does.

Maybe once I get to that point, I'll have been offered the job I really want. Or maybe I wont. Maybe I'll just become one of those "ladies who lunch".

How silly that doing nothing would make me feel better than working at this job? why on earth is this so soul sucking anyway?? Should probably figure that out first.

Ok, since my posts have been so horrid lately, let me start by ending with three positives in my life.

1) I am loosing weight. I know enough that even when I get all grumpy and want to splurge, to splurge on things that are at least in the rhelm of good for me.
2) I exercised this morning. While I hate to do it, it almost always makes me feel better about three hours later.
3) kittens. My current set LOVE me, and would follow me around all day if they could. They are so sweet, and so cute, and so loving.
4) it is a beautiful summery type day here. Not bad for New England in October.

oops. that was four. So sue me :D

of death and dying

It has been a strange couple of days for me around here. the other week I borrowed some books from the library. One was "I am proud of you" about a man's friendship with Mr. Rogers (yes, that Mr. Rogers) and "Talk Before Sleep". I knew the latter was about breast cancer and a woman's friendship, so it would be sad. I did not know anything about the first. The first turns out to have some death in it as well. The man's brother dies of cancer, then his own greif at when Mr. Rogers dies.

To top it all off, on Friday I was at the vets again. Yes, I am a paranoid mother. Get over it :D. But as I was leaving, I felt I shouldn't leave. I needed to stay for a bit. It was the oddest thing, and I commented it was the oddest thing. I thought maybe it was because I was sick and tired of being seated (being at work that morning, then the 1/2 hr drive down there) but what ever it was, I sat there and chatted even though it was awkward for me.

On the ride home, there was a horrific car accident. It happened near where they started diverting us off the road. I am one to not look at such things. I hate it that everyone goes two miles an hour past it just to get a good look. But since everyone else was going two miles an hour, I had to go two miles an hour, and how can you not look? What I saw scared me silly. The news this morning said the accident was fatal. The guy I saw in the truck, and I did see the guy, died. I can't imagine how he got into the position I saw him in. I thought maybe it was because they were trying to pull him out. I saw the back of his head and his shoulders. It looked as if he had been lying face down on his front seat, and then someone lifted it up. there was a guy near him, but no one was helping him. My thought at the time was that they had gone to get equiptment. Knowing what i know now though, it was probably because he was dead.

And still. After all this death. That horrid little part of my brain that doesn't produce enough of what ever chemical I need to not live my life in darkness decided to not produce enough of that chemical. I spent most of last night, and this morning wishing I wasn't alive.

What is with me?? I do want to be alive.. I know this. I know that no matter how dark it gets, the light will return eventually. that laughter and kitten kisses, and kitty bellies, and chocolate, and my husband and friends are all worth living for. (listed in no particular order btw) So what if my mother is a bitch and has treated me poorly all my life. So what if the rest of my family sees no need in keeping in contact with me. It is their loss. I am fun, and funny, and a good friend. I am smart, and clever, and I am really good at pilling cats :D And no matter what that horrid little part of my brain tells me, I am loved. So take that!++++++ (and that from my cat)

Enough of this.. chocolate here I come.. (but low cal chocolate.. I'm up to 32 lbs lost.. don't want to get back to only 25lbs lost)

So I am going to say it

Now don't flame me or throw things at me, cause deep down you know you are thinking it too.

I have had ENOUGH of the news coverage of the Amish School Shooting.

Yes, it is tragic, yes it is horrible. But what? Are they on some other plain of existence where they are exempt from hurt feelings, and outrages that this "COULD NOT HAPPEN"? I think not. We are all human, we all feel pain. Just because they have their religious belief system all around them, does not mean that the pain is not there. It does not mean that pain is mysteriously and miraculously taken away. I believe in God. I pray to Him almost daily, and sometimes more than daily. I ask for forgiveness, and help with dealing with the emotions that spring up when people say or do things that hurt me either intentionally or by accident. It does not make it go away.

Amish people are just that. People. This morning the "Today" show thought it important that I know that the kids who died were going to be buried in white clothing, and that the mothers were going to wear black for a year, and the fathers were going to wear white shirts. This is news? really? you are freakin kidding me! If I had wanted to know about the Amish people, I would have picked up a book (which I have done in the past).. or better yet, asked my friend Google.

I don't think it is fair, that people who refuse to have their photos taken for fear of being thought of as vain, are now stuck in front of cameras 24/7

Give up. Leave them alone. Focus on WHO did it, and WHY, and maybe, just maybe, throw your resources behind TRYING TO FIND A WAY TO HELP THESE PEOPLE so they don't do this again!!


gack.

31.5

FINALLY I have hit the 30lb mark!! :) As a reward, I was going to have the new Pizza Hut lasagna pizza, but I just couldn't do it! So I stopped at the store and got some pumpkin pie instead, and had one small piece with SF cool whip... so technically Im probably back to 29lbs.. lol. I didn't weigh this morning. Im going to try not to all week, which is next to impossible... I am obsessed with weighing, doing it four or more times a day. I like seeing how much I weigh before I go to sleep, and how much weight I loose sleeping.

Im still pretty brain dead. I can't come up with anyone's name to save my life. it is freakin annoying.

We went to the local pumpkin festivle Saturday. It was cute. Pretty much geered towards kids, which I knew, but they said they would have crafts and a farmer's market, which technically they did, but there were only three stands. It was pretty sad. We bought some pumpkin ice cream, and a pumpkin whoopie pie. In case you didn't know, I LOVE pumpkins, and buy any home decore item this time of year that has "unmutulated" pumpkins on it.

well that's pretty much it. how boring am I?