someone stop me!!

Well its now thursday.. stomach pains went away monday night. I came to work on tuesday and didn't make it through the day. wednesday I got to leave work early to bring someone to the airport, and friday I have to drive my boss to logan, so I won't be working then either.. so truely this is my only full day of work this week..

and I can't seem to focus!

We have a huge pile of cookies that were sent to us.. and I have been very strong all week (see previous paragraph about not being here most of the week) and resisted, but today i REALLY want one..

BADLY!

I have four more hours of work to get through... and they are calling my name. I so need them to shut up!

I am still highly congested in the lungs. Still coughing up disgusting green gunk.. Im sick of it.

Due to all the coughing and all the congestion, I haven't weighed in a while. Who knows where I am.. but except for this cookie crisis, I've been pretty good. I had one dinner out (a company function tuesday night) but I felt I made the best possible choices.. So hopefully....

so yesterday I left work early and went to the airport. This means going by the mall, so I stopped and shopped. I so need new tops, but I can't find anything I like that isn't what I consider summer wear.. so I tried again. I found a really cute polar bear christmas sweater, but they only had it in Medium. I thought what the heck, and tried it on. WOH! I fit in a medium!! I wasn't thrilled with the color, so I left it there. with my big fat arms (I've always had big fat arms even when i wasn't big nor was I fat) I usually have to go a size larger than I am. Nice thing about strechy fabrics, is they give me a little more leeway than regular fabrics.

Im just too picky when it comes to clothes. I don't want to show off my B.F.A. (big fat arms) so they have to have sleeves, at least to my elbow.. but I HATE 3/4 sleeves, unless they can push up to the elbow. Fabric can't be too thin to cling to the bra straps. Has to be thick enough to be warm, has to be thin enough to not be bulky. Has to flatter, and amaze, and all under 10$ (ok 20$) but still. hence the fact that I haven't bought myself a top since I started loosing weight. Im going to need to soon. I have a skirt for christmas parties that doesn't have a top..

I also went and got my hair chopped off. wasn't my intention, but the previous haircut was so bad, i needed to go short to try to fix it. it is still a little off, but I wasn't willing to go THAT short. the longest part is just below my shoulders, and it is layered from there, so it feels VERY short (to me.. I've always had hair down my back) its cute though. Blends my growing bangs very nicely.. Not sure if im going to keep them grown out, but Im going to give it another couple of months to see how I feel. then they'll be to my chin, and basically grown out. If I cut them, I want it to be because bangs look better on me, NOT because I can't stand them. I am still in the 'its cute' stage, but I haven't washed it yet. That will be tonight, and that will be the REAL test. most hair cuts 'fall apart' after the washing. Have I mentioned I have had the WORST luck with hair cuts in my life time? HORRID. seriously had to have six + inches cut off this time to 'fix' the last cut. the stylist had NO idea what the previous one tried to accomplish I joked that there had to be alcohol involved in the previous cut.. yes, it was THAT bad. thank goodness for elastic bands.

alright.. I think the urge has pasted, and I can get back to work. wish me luck :D

ow ow ow ow ow

well arent I just the mess! It started the friday before thanksgiving. I was tired and a little achey, so I decided to take the day off from work. Good thing I did as I had a huge case of the dizzies. If I rolled over in bed, I was instantly overwhelmed. I spent most of the day in and out of sleep and forcing myself not to vomit. (i don't vomit. I refuse)

Saturday I went out to some christmas fairs. I probably shouldn't have, but they were some of my favorites. I felt much better but not perfect. Kinda like if you spin around and make yourself dizzy, that second before it stops.. like that.

Sunday I spent lounging.

Monday thru Wednesday I worked.. nothing exciting, just really tired. I haven't been able to sleep well for allergies.

Thursday.. turkey day. I felt I didn't eat THAT much, but my stomach hurt.

Friday.. didn't go sale shopping - very bizarre for me, but then again there wasn't anything I really wanted to buy. I slept in, then went out to a couple of places, but got tired easily.

Saturday my throat started to hurt. Sunday it was so bad I couldn't talk.

This morning my throat feels better, but my stomach is a mess. cramping kinda bad.

I feel very congested, but Im not producing much of anything. One time I coughed a little, and brought up a huge wad of green mucus.. so I took some medication... so I am congested, but its stuck.

Dr's appointment in an hour or so.

On another front, due to the being extremely tired, Ive been on my diet pretty well, and am now down 40lbs.. yea!!

I also have been having weird dreams. I don't remember most of them, but they all feel like they are on the same theme... Taking pride in doing something, but when it comes time to finish it, it is only half done. Like one dream was of school, and I had two essays to hand in. I forgot to bring them to class and was asked to leave to go get them. I was allowed. I ran home, grabbed them, only to find them badly typed, with pencil marks crossing out some words, one page being ununiform, and folded over to match.

Not sure why Im having these dreams.. Im sure they'll hit me over the head eventually.

let the festivities begin

Well then.. it starts. There is a plate of cookies here at the office. I was hoping that in an office of three women and one man there wouldn't be many goodies.. but there it is.

Weight wise I have been doing well. back on the loosing track. Im seeing numbers I haven't dreamed of seeing in a long time, and know that the first goal will be hit. the ultimate goal is a long way in coming (or should that be going??) but I can see me doing it. Im thrilled. I am getting close to 40lbs, 2lbs away. Would be thrilling if I could make that by thanksgiving, but since that is only a few days away, I don't see it happening (not that I won't tell family that I have lost 40lbs anyway)

Sad thing is, I still don't see it.. but that's ok. What my hips wont tell me, my pants will :D

Not sure what we are going to do for the holiday. we are hoping to go to the brother in laws, but we haven't quite received an invitation. Their daughter was thrilled with the idea of us coming, but so far... worst comes to worse, we'll just have dinner at home with the kitties :) nothing wrong with that.

Now the question becomes, am I going to go out shopping the day after?

family

Ive been dreaming of my parents lately. I know it stems from the card I got in the mail the other week. For those of you who do not know, I have never had a great relationship with my mother. In fact, it has been pretty lousy. It came to a head last Jan. and I haven't talked to them since. I feel bad. I miss my dad very much, but I don't want to put him in a position of reporting back to her. I know I need to deal with this, and Im thinking a session with a professional might help me sort out how I feel about all this. Im thrilled not to feel the need to see my mother again, but I miss my father. Im not sure how I feel about not seeing my sister and her family (only sibling - she has two boys) There is nothing keeping us apart, but she never makes a point to let us know when she is going to be in the area, never has... so I tend to feel she's not all that interseted in knowing me either, and I guess I can live with that too. We have nothing in commong except our DNA. We can barely hang out for an hour with out running out of things to say.

It is sad, but I have spent my entire life trying to be accepted by these people. Im family, I shouldn't have to work at it... and after all this time I have figured out I no longer want to. I get nothing out of it, so why should I have to kill myself to stay connected to a family that doesn't seem to want to know me?

well whatever. I know I need to deal with this. Dad misses me, I know he's not going to live forever.


I thought writing this down would make it easier to process. It hasn't. it has made me feel worse. *sigh*

ugh I am tired

I have been sleeping like a log lately, which is really nice. No more weight loss for a while now. Its hard to remember that it is ok. I want to see that scale produce lower and lower numbers every single day.. but noooo.. as long as it isn't going up, Im ok.

But I think I am coming down with a cold. Could be allergies, but it feels a little different. Hopefully Im wrong, since I have a ton of things I want to do this weekend.. *sigh* One of which is get my hair cut. I went and got it cut in June, and once again it was butchered. So now I need to let the layers grow out again, and so I need to take about four inches off to make it look ok. Paying $500 to have Nick (from What not to Wear) is starting to seem like a bargan! I have the worst freakin luck when it comes to restaraunts and haircuts.

as for election day... wow hun? Wonder what kind of a difference this will make. guess we'll have to wait and see.

the tax thingie was voted down. Its so funny to listen to the people who opposed the bill spout now. See.. we told you it was bad, and the people of the state agreed. Yea.. 55% to 45.. we really agree. Just a few more people did... not the whole state for goodness sake. At least the govener noticed how many people voted for it, and said that he plans to make some changes. We'll see how that goes too. The great thing about goverment, its a big wait and see game.

Get out there and vote!

ugh, I hate election day. I almost never like any of the candidates.. I usually feel like I am voting for the lesser of two evils. Its never "Cake or Death?" its usually do you want do die by fire or by drowning? ugh. Ok yes I am being overly dramatic, but honestly, I never know if these people are just shouting to be heard, or because they have something to say. 99% of the time, all I hear them saying is the other guy sucks.

One of my favorite political ad in my area is for a woman who has been in office since I can remember. I like her I guess. Id vote for her again.. but this ad said the word independant like 50 times. She's a republican, but the ad went out of its way to say she was an independant thinker, that she will go against her party when they go against what she thinks. She's independant, and incase you missed it the first 30 times we said it, lets say it 20 more!

There is only one issue I really care about, and it has to do with limiting/cutting taxes. I don't see it passing. too many people with kids being told that if it passes, their kids can't get vaccines, and schools won't be funded. Honestly. Geeze. Can someone tell me when the US of A turned into a communist state? Cause I am sick and tired of paying for EVERYTHING! Now I don't want to tell the poor kids they can't get vaccines, but why is it MY job to pay for them? the people against this bill trotted out every special intrest group stating that they could / might /possibly loose their goodies if it passes. Im sitting there in my house that I paid for, with my food that I paid for, in my fuzzy slippers I paid for wondering why Im paying for all this other stuff too. Makes me want to stop working right now and go on welfare, cause why shouldn't I get something for nothing like these other people?

Honestly, I am for helping those that are down, but there has GOT to be a limit, or we will be in a communist state... frankly I am surprised that no one has suggested it before! in communisum, everything belongs to the state, and they dole it out as they see fit. My goverment, as I see it anyway, takes half of everything (33%?) and doles it out as it sees fit. and hell rain down on anyone who even considers that the goverment hand out isn't a God Given Right, and tries to cut back or eliminate any of it.

I once knew a woman on welfare. It was through no fault of her own, but with two young children, she needed to be there. She worked with me, and she absolutely could not work more than 17.5 hours a week or they would immediately cut her aid. work 18 hours? No food stamps for you! your SOL.. Hun? what? does that sound fair? This poor woman couldn't get her foot in any toe hold to help get her self out of welfare, cause who is going to promote and give a huge raise and a full time prime job to someone who can only work 17.5 hrs a week?

Sigh.

There really is no good answer, I know that. but I want this to pass to get people thinking.

Back to feeling worthless

Pretty freakin amazing how fast it sneaks up on me. One minute I am on a BB where other women are feeling lost and hopeless and worthless (weightloss BB) and Im saying all the right things, and the next Im sitting here wondering what the heck I am doing.

Like when I get upset that my pants are too loose (cause Im having a hard time finding new clothes that I like)

So..

One of the greatest joys of my life is laying around in bed (I LOVE my bed - more on that later) with my kitties watching a good movie. Id like to say reading a book, but with kitties, reading a book is pretty difficult.

Sometimes I think that is pretty sad. I think I should have other more grand greatest joys.. hiking, biking, climbing mountains, even baking cookies seems more productive a joy than laying around in my bed (Did I mention I LOVE my bed?)

But then I ask myself, what is so flipping wonderful about going for a hike? You risk life and limb (ok maybe not, but people get hurt on hikes all the time) and bugs, and bites, and scrapes... for what? to walk from one spot to the next? Then once you get there, you just have to turn around and go back. can we say walking in circles?

as for cookies.. I don't need to eat cookies (see the fact that I am trying to loose weight) and frankly there aren't many people I know that need them either. Like them yes, but every woman I know wants to loose weight. (even if they don't really have to cause frankly they look fine!)

So, I try to shut off that part of my brain that says I should be more productive, cause frankly, most of the production is pretty stupid, and I lay back in my amazing bed, and pat my incredibly soft kitty (Jack) and snuggle with some others (Em, Muff and Twee) and take my pleasure where I get it. You might like climbing up a mountain, but that is not me. So there!

(btw, I have a sleep number bed, with a memory foam topper, and 1200 thread count sheets or super soft flannels. I have invested in quality products for my bed, and haven't regreated a penny of it - that is saying a lot knowing how tight with a penny I am)

Ok, all this boasting isn't making me feel any more worth while. *sigh* I KNOW I am, I just don't FEEL I am. Don't I wish I could shut that side of my brain off for just a few hours.. It probably stems from the fact that the scale hasn't been my friend recently.. which is silly since I have been exercising a little harder, so some muscle has probably been added... (and even if it hasn't, the scale has NOTHING to do with my worth - so there!!)

So, three positives - lets do them about me and see if this helps.

1) I make good kittens - I foster for the local shelter, and I always get complements on how friendly and outgoing the kittens are when they go back.
2) I tend to think outside the box. This has been helpful many times when I was able to find more effecient ways of doing things in my job.
3) I rock when it comes to customer service. I treat people as I would want to be treated, and make sure I follow through on any task that I can't complete immediately. If I tell someone I will call them back, I will call them back, even if it is to tell them that I have no further information, or can't help them. I will let them know exactly what I have done to try to help, so they know that I didn't just wait a day or two and then call saying sorry. Since I care so much, I get easily irritated when I find instances of CSRs just 'phoning it in'.

pets

I actively belong to two different internet communities. One for kitties, one for weight loss. I love the kitty one because it is so nice to find a nice calm place that people talk about kitties, and don't get all militant in their way of doing things. Most boards about specific topics are usually manned by people who if you go even slightly off topic, or worse, disagree with their way of doing things, then you are flammed until you leave. the weight loss board is pretty tolerant. I like reading how people are enjoying their weight loss in non scale ways.. pants fitting, etc.

However, on the weightloss board recently, there were two posts that wanted to make me go all militant. I refrained from posting, cause I knew I'd go over the edge, and I didn't want to be that person.

the first was a woman who had an 18 yr old cat who was falling down, and loosing weight, and she thought it was time Did she take the cat to a vet? did she try to find out WHY the cat was falling down and loosing weight? Nope. She just let it wander around her house for about a week before there was another post saying she made the appointment, that she couldn't stand torturing (her words) him any more.

I wanted to shout YES! YOU WERE TORTURING HIM!! arrgh. um.. HELLO! falling down is not a normal sign of old age. It is a sign of sickness, that poor cat. At least he is at peace now, and hopefully he is getting only the best at the Rainbow Bridge.

the second was someone who claimed that her dog had a UTI, and what antibotics should she give it?

Well first of all, human and animal antibotics for the most part aren't interchangeable, and those that are, do you know the dose? and more importantly, how on earth can you know even IF the dog has a UTI and not something more serious going on. If you start giving antibotics, you could easily mask symptoms that are important to see. *bangs head on desk*

Its people like this that make me hate people. Those and those people who let their cats go outside, and have had 10 cats in 5 years, because they keep going out and not coming home, that they might have a fisher cat in the area, but the cats can't stay in, that is just wrong (NO IT ISN'T IT!!) Like getting eaten by a fisher is a good thing.

My fosters are about to go up for adoption, and I so don't want to just throw them out there and hope that the people that adopt them aren't lying, and will treat them like they should be treated... good food, warm beds, and way too much love and that the outdoors is something to be visited in limited increments, with a cage, or a leash.

sigh

I hate people some days.