182 then 181.5 then 181

yea yea yea.. I know.. I should have posted each day. but I doubted anyone cared.

Shocking to see how little damage all that food did to my diet in real honest to goodness time. WHich of course is leading me to feel cocky, and I'm eating chocolate and cookies. But I'm home and I'm not all that happy, so I'm just going with it for right now. (not happy that I'm home, just not happy, and I'm at home - so no real distractions - not that work is that much of a distraction.. but anyway)

We bought a sun room yesterday. 14k. DH is still deluded into thinking he's got good credit. Credit company wouldn't issue him a 1 yr SAC option.. so I threw my credit behind it and we were approved.

I'm not thrilled. I much would have prefered a fire place and some landscaping in the front yard, but I do want a sun room eventually, and the way things are going there was going to be nothing but price increases (not that there won't be on a fire place.. but that is a different story) and we got 20% off for signing before the end of the year.. well I feel like I got a good deal anyway..

I'm still on the "not buying anything in Jan" kick. Of course this means I'm spending a lot of money in the end of Dec :D Well there were a few projects I wanted to tackle, and they need supplies. I do plan on getting rid of all kinds of junk.. so hopefully it will be a productive month. We'll see. I do want to run out to get a new Address book this weekend. DH is going out of town tonight, so I'm waiting for him to leave, cause frankly I just don't want to talk to him about it. No particular reason.. guess I'm not in a very talkitive mood. The new year always leaves me pensive and unhappy. When the sunroom guy asked us what we were doing for the holiday.. my DH summed it up best after I said I don't celebrate it - he said we don't like to get rid of anything. Made me laugh, but it is pretty accurate :D

Anyway. I also got a nintendo DS for Christmas, so I have a few bids on line for some games.. Hopefully I'll get one or two.. if not that's ok too. Feb will be here before I know it.

184.5

Well well.. look what four days of non stop eating will do to a girl. Was 177 - but that is on the scale that weighs two pounds less than the one I normally weigh on. So 179 is where I started on Friday morning. Had a party at work. went home, ate, and ate, and ate.. :) and I enjoyed almost every minute of it too. I knew I would be doing some damage to my weight loss, but I am ok with that.. and I am. Today I'm back on the wagon, and will be till I hit 175. I can do it, and do it happily .. yes I can :P

I am doing great so far.. got in all of my exercise this AM. had a tofu and orange smoothie - which wasn't super wonderful, but pretty good. got another orange for tomorrow :)

Christmas was interesting. As much as I do NOT want to go back to being a child, I miss the time of not having to do ANYTHING and having Christmas happen around me. Kinda like the joy of walking out into snow, and not having to worry about the consequences of snow.. I was done with it being Christmas time by Saturday.. the season was just a little too long. I'm glad it is over.

So along with my determination to lose the weight, I want to clean up my house too. Go through all the junk drawers, etc and toss all kinds of things out. On top of that, I am going to try to go a month with out buying anything but food. THAT is not going to be easy. Guess I'll have to get all my shopping done this week.. :) I need to buy some re-oraganizational tools.. Oh crud.. I was going to buy a new laptop and a wii this month.. *think think think* well I'll shop for one, and if I find a great deal, then so be it.. but that's IT..

So.. starting those "resolutions" early I guess. but since I don't celebrate New Years nor do I make resolutions.. phewy on that idea.. just need to get my life straightened out a little.. dust off the cobwebs and that sort of thing

doesn't time fly by fast enough people!!!

I was in the stores the other week shopping.. now this is a FULL week before Christmas, if not more.. and there is Valentines Day stuff on the shelves!!! I was hoping it was because they had run out of other stuff, but still.. it is so wrong in my mind.

ok ok. it was just red and pink stuff with hearts.. didn't actually say Valentine.. but you knew it was. Pretty sure it had valentine tags on it.

Now I'm getting "lose weight" emails. That whole fitness resolution stuff is starting way too soon in my opinion. At this point people aren't done stuffing their faces full of pumpkin pie.. What's next? easter 08 in 07?? goodness gracous!

speaking of stuffing one's face.. I have had a hard time this year. Don't quite know why. Weird thing was when I was just sneaking one cookie, I started losing weight. Got down to 177. But then I was put in front of way too much sugar, and my inner child said MINE!! So I fed it. I don't mind so much. I know how to undo the damage. Last night was the first time my inner child said "woh.. too much" which was nice. Hadn't heard that in a LONG time. I'm hoping she's done.. but if not, that is ok too. Two more days to get through before life starts getting back on track.

Christmas comes every year.. why does it have to derail you every time?? Its almost like saying oh no.. its 5pm.. time to fall of the wagon!! *rolls eyes* ok not exactly, but I hope you understand where I'm going. Although I can't even really say this, because I lost seven pounds last Christmas time.

Went and saw 'I am Legand' last night. Good movie. Little surprised they released it so close to Christmas, as it is not a feel-good movie, not a Christmas movie, and what not. But then again, what do I know about the movie business. Maybe they figure everyone is on vacation, home with family, they just want to get out and see a movie, and maybe they don't want feel-good movies.. I have never quite understood the human experience as it relates to "everyone else" I just don't get a lot of what is considered normal and acceptable by everyone. I mean I understand that it is, but I don't understand the whys.. probably no one else does either, but we all just 'play along' because that is what is "acceptable" *shrug*

Ho Ho Ho

Ok then, we are in the midst of the Holiday season, and I'm feeling overwhelmed..

I went to the mall last week on a friday simply to get my hair cut, and I was totally amazed by the number of people there.. every parking spot was taken, and I had to park in the far back corner. Took me almost half an hour to get from parking spot to hair appointment!!

I need to get some shopping in, but I have no idea when. I also have no idea what to buy.. *sigh* every year it seems I like Christmas less and less. and on top of that I have errands to run tonight, and we are about to get five inches of snow.. grrr

Happiness and joy.. everything will work out in the end, it really will.

WEight is stuck at 181ish. how frustrating. I wonder how much of that weight is loose skin.. I know there is quite a bit in my arms and in my legs. but then again I've still got an inch or two of excess weight around my chest which is not excess skin.. so probably not much.

I've been absolutely exhausted this week too. I think I'm fighting off a cold or something. Been trying to get by on caffiene and FRS.. but that led to an entire night when I didn't sleep.. so now I'm chemical free (yesterday was the first day) and all I want to do is go home and crawl in bed.

I've decided once the holiday is over, I'm going to channel my mother and throw out all kinds of stuff in the house. the less stuff we have, the more likely we'll be to keep it clean right? well hopefully.. It isn't going to be fun, or pretty, and I'm not going to like it one bit, but I'm pretty sure I'll like not having to deal with moving junk to find places for more junk.

183.5 grrr

It just isnt right.. give my body a couple of cookies and look what happens..

Ok it was a couple of cookies and some fudge.. but still it was NOT three pounds worth!!

So I have been good the past couple of days, so I'm sure I put on three + pounds..

and I have been STARVING the whole way through it.. it just isn't fair.. *throws tantrum worthy of a two yr old*

Ok.. fine.. damage done, move on, lets get this off and move forward.. 170s here I come!!

I'm also absolutely exhausted.. I don't want to be at work, I just want to go home and sleep.. man aren't I overly ambitious.. but I do need to work out when I get home, and take care of the rabbits and the kitties.. zzzzzzzz

My boss is being sent to Munich next week.. I'm not looking foward to that.. hopefully it won't be as bad as all that. I just miss having my desk in the back with my back to the wall.. I could play games and not be easily caught.. Now I have to actually look productive most of the time..

Not that I don't get my work done.. Don't get me wrong.. I'm very productive.. just excessively so, to the point where I run out of interesting work and basically am doing busy work, so at those times I like to throw in a few games or blogging..

I'm starting to get into a tizzy since I haven't gotten ANY of my Christmas shopping done. I don't really have any to do though except my DH. I want to get something for the nephews, but have no idea what. Since I'm not getting any clues from them, I should just buy them the most obnoxiously loud and ridculously huge gift I can find.. I told her before if she doesn't help me out they are just getting drum sets!!

.... hum.. this is odd. I want to talk about my depression, but I don't know if I should call it my depression or the depression.. why on earth am I stressing about a descrptive article? well which ever.. it has been hanging around.. I can see it lurking behind the corner, watching me. I'm doing everything I can to avoid it.. Talking positive, keeping busy, treating myself in positive ways, exercising, etc.. I just wish it would go away and leave me alone for a couple of weeks.. Its annoying that it never grabs hold for more than a day or two at a time.. I don't feel I can call myself clinically depressed.. because once I get through it, I'm fine for several days.. then there are a few days to a few weeks of I can feel it coming.. then a few days of "LIFE SUCKS" followed by a few days of life is ok! :) I plan on talking to my dr about it again.. I didn't like the antidepressants I was on before - didn't seem to work and made me like twinkies and crave sugar, and the stuff I have now doesn't really seem to do much of anything - but then again I only take them when I'm down in the hole..

I was hoping that being 36 would be a good year.. so far my weight loss has stalled, I lost my cat, and I'm spending a good deal of it being depressed. May the second half be a damn site better..

Christmas fairs are evil

went to several over the weekend. they are one tradition I love - along with the 'little ol lady peanut butter fudge' I can't seem to find anywhere else. It is practically granulated sugar with some peanut butter flavoring.. it falls apart as you bite it, but then it just melts in your mouth.

Well apparently the little ol lady that makes doesn't make it any more, and I am left with three varities of peanutbutter fudge that are creamy and peanut buttery - but not right - sigh..

that and cookies up the wazoo.. what was I thinking. Now I can't stop eating them. Notice I haven't weighed in for a couple of days.. I'm such a bad girl.

I've been saying to myself for weeks I need to get back on the ball.. well I get on it for a day or two then jump right back off.. its pathetic. I really want to loose 10 pounds by Christmas and it is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN IF I KEEP EATING COOKIES!!

I wonder how many cookies are left?? ;)

Merry Pegan Christmas

Was having a discussion with someone the other day about how the atheists/non-Christians are trying to hijack Christmas and turn it into the "holiday season".. calling it a holiday tree, making people who say "Merry Christmas" feel guilty for forcing their religion on others..

Well let me tell you.. there is about 1% of Christmas that is Christian.. remember when people talk about the birth of Jesus.. THAT is Christian Christmas.. EVERYTHING ELSE IS PAGAN! Seriously folks.. Study your history. The tree.. pagan. Giving gifts.. pagan.. When the Catholic church was trying to convert people, they knew they would never get them to give up their annual holidays of winter and spring solstice festivals, so they stuck Christian holidays on top of them. Jesus wasn't born in December you know.. they just picked that day cause it happened to be close enough to the pagan winter festival. Same with Easter!!

So for the most part.. Christmas festivities, festivals, trimmings and trappings are not Christian. You do not need to feel persecuted if someone says "Ho Ho Ho" at you..

Now if they drag you in front of a creche and preach about how wonderful the coming of the Baby was.. well then yes, you are being persecuted.. (btw.. the coming of Jesus was a pretty wonderful thing)

no crime fighting today... because it's raining!

I was just out and it started to rain and I was reminded of the PPG episode where it was a gloomy day and so there for there was no crime - because it was raining, and certainly no crime fighting.. because it's raining.. :)

Last night was annoying. I wish I didn't go, but sometimes you have to do what you don't want to do.. although I still haven't quite figured out why. If I was smart I would have said "oh darn! I have a prior commitment that night" and been done with it. Maybe I will next year... although maybe next year they will go to some place I want to go.. although there isn't much food worth giving up an evening home for any more.

I had a salad that said it came with a pomegranite vinegrette.. but I was left with a greasy taste in my mouth - kinda like what you get when you eat light microwave pop corn on a regular basis and then you have a bag of regular.. I had two tablespoons of mashed potatoes - ok - a large stalk of broccoli w/ some cheese - nothing special - a table spoon of mac & cheese w/ truffle oil - did not like - and a few thin onion rings - ewww. Steak was good, but I just wasn't enjoying it and ate maybe a quarter of it. Got to be in the mood for it. So what did I do? I cut up 1 oz of it and used it for my protein serving for lunch today.. I'm planning on having the rest of it for dinner tonight along with some sort of veggie.

I went out last night after the dinner, and tried to buy greens for the foster rabbits. Local market closed at 10. Went up to wally world. Man I HATE wally. I got there at 10:30ish, and the produce person was throwing out the 'old' produce. I asked if anyone had ever talked to them about donating it to the shelter. She said they didn't do that for fear if anything happened to the animals who ate it (they said farmers had asked previously). Um.. you JUST took it off the shelf. If I had been 10 minutes earlier I could have bought it.. but they refused, and threw it all away.. what a waste! Heck I'd even feel better if they gave it to farmers to use..

Anyway..

Scale said 182.5 this morning. I felt icky too - but then I've felt icky for a couple of days. However this morning I couldn't get going, so I grabbed my rice dream Ice pop I bought a couple of weeks ago when the store was selling them for 1/2 price. It was only so/so and I ate about 3/4ths of it before giving up and throwing it away. I then went after my DH's cookies, had one bite (despite taking two) and thew it away (and putting the second one back) Then reached for one of my NS desserts.. fortunately I only had a bite before I stopped. Don't quite know what got into me this morning, but all I really really wanted to do was go back to bed and have purr therapy all day. But no.. I got up like a good girl and exercised.. *sigh*

and when I get home tonight I have to grab the rabbit and bring her into the shelter to have her ears checked.. I just want to go to bed darn it all.. watch Heros and Shrek the Halls.. What is it with me and actually having a life.. darn it all.. make it stop!!

:)

181

I swear, that scale enjoys laughing at me.

Wonder what is going to happen tomorrow since I have a company dinner tonight. I'm STARVING right now, and the dinner is two hours away. and it is at a steak house, that only serves steak.. which I am NOT interested in.. So either I'm going to run home and have a little something to eat and just have a salad, or I'm going to jump in with both feet and eat a huge steak I don't really want.. I just don't know.

This day started off badly. I wanted to go to the bank, and didn't get to go. I couldn't find a deposit slip nor could I find my ATM card (i know its in the house somewhere.. just wasn't where I was expecting it to be) so I didn't do that. Wanted to go to the library and get a new book on tape, thought it was tuesday so I waited the five minutes till they opened at 9:30 - but it is wednesday and they don't open till 12:30!! arrgh. Came to work, totally unmotivated to work.. don't want to be here, don't want to go to party, just want to go home and sleep.. take phone call for me telling me I won tickets to the Nutcracker - but I can only go on Saturday.. *sigh* guess my Saturday is right full now. Christmas fairs in the AM, drive boss to Logan in the afternoon, and then the show in the PM. I'm never getting sleep am I? Maybe Sunday?? ha ha ha

Honestly I'm fighting off some sort of cold/allergy/sinus thing. my face hurts, my nose and lips are totally dehydrated despite drinking more water than a fish, and I'm so very very tired. I also feel the depression just hanging out in the background. I hope it gets destracted and goes away..

I just went scrounging and found some grapenuts.. had a handful.. hopefully that will take the edge off things..

181

Well so much for the half pound losses each day.. although truth be told I didn't sleep well and I got up and weighed in very early.. (ok I weighed in very early at 182, and weighed in again half an hour later at 181) maybe if I had been able to sleep in I'd be less.. who knows. At least I got my exercise in..

I have to admit a few things.. Gonna start slowly.. first of all I have come to the conclusion that I have body dismorphic disorder. I think I'm HUGE, when in reality I'm in size 12 jeans and I'm actually wearing an XS top. Granted it is stretchy, but it doesn't look gaudy and tight. My jacket is a S.. and I STILL hate photographs of myself. I think I look fat and bloated and I actually think I look way better in person then I ever do in photographs..

Also - while shopping for party dresses, I caught sight of myself from a weird angle in one of those three way mirrors.. I actually have a side that I don't like. It was the weirdest thing.

I must also admit that I know I am weird. How on earth can I like and appreciate myself for me, but hate how I look? I guess if I ever figure that out, I'll probably have the answer to life - :D

I'm still trying to decide if I want plastic surgery to remove the BFAs.. I do, but when I psych myself up for it, I talk myself into getting my pooch (I have a roll above my belly button) removed, and heck if I'm going to do that, why don't I have my thighs fixed too.. *rolls eyes* Then I realize I'm asking for way too much, going to put myself through way too much pain and anquish, and have scars I know I'm not going to like, and spend way WAY too much money on vanity.. I don't want to be vain.. I just want to look good..

Yes, I know.. I'm weird.

But enough for today.. more confessions later..

181!

Wow.. Look at me lose weight! Starting last week I decided to not eat after 6pm. Granted sometimes it was 7.. but for some reason it really seemed to help. Especially considering I had quite a bit of left over cake yesterday.

I've never really believed those experts that say don't eat several hours before you go to bed.. mostly because a whole bunch of other experts said it doesn't matter when you eat your calories as long as you don't go over your alotment..

well apparently to my body - right now - it does. I'm going to try to keep this up till Christmas. Not going to be easy.. especially since I work till 6pm.. but I'm going to try to eat as close as possible to when I get home, and be done with it for the night.. wish me luck - I'm going to need it!

I didn't mention I bought another XS shirt over the weekend. this FLOORS me.. of course I put on a size L dress and it was very tight, so *shrug* who knows.. (I'm convinced the L was a juniors though...)

181.5

I made the wreaths for the shelter last night. Went out to shop again for party dresses. Found quite a few I really liked.. but they were all a little too much for any function I could ever imagine going to. Most were sleeveless too. In fact there really weren't any that had sleeves. Little cap sleeves maybe.. but that was it. Um.. what about us people with BFA?? *sigh*

Need to work out, need to shower, need to get to the shelter to get rid of those wreaths and get some meds for spud - his eye is goopy.. need to clean a bit, pick up after the bunnies.. take some photos of everyone.. and I'm still here on the computer..

off I go

182

another lazy day.. Went shopping for party dresses again.. nothing really jumped out at me. I realize I really like silver type dresses..

Bunnies are eating me out of house and home.. so are the cats for that matter :)

182.5

Yea yea yea.. I was expecting it though. Who can eat only carbs for a day and not gain weight.. no matter how little food you think you are eating :)

Unfortunately, the weight brought back the depression.. and with a vengeance. Ok it wasn't just the weight.. I tried and tried and tried to think of a reason to go out shopping today and I couldn't come up with one. Such great deals out there to be had, but I didn't need any of it, husband didn't need any of it, and frankly I don't have anyone else to buy for. Which hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'm still not talking to my parents. I wrote the letters, made the overtures, went to the family function, and even suggested to my sister that the next time they are in town that we all to out to eat. A nice neutral place to get together, with a limited time of interaction, and having the boys there would be a great distraction.. my mother sent word back through my sister that she's not interested. Too scared or afraid or what ever of upsetting me again.*sigh* was suggested that she might want to do counseling with me, but honestly I'm done with councilors. I know what my issue is, I've worked through it.. if she wants to go get counseling to figure out why she refuses to see me as an individual then by all means, let her. But I doubt she thinks she is in any way shape or form the problem. So be it.

I also have NO idea what to buy the boys. Ben is 8 and Sam is 2 (3 in Jan) Since I never see them (even when I was seeing my family on a regular basis I rarely got to see them because my sister never bothered to let me know when they were going to be in town) I don't know what they are in to - despite my asking and trying to gain some incite into buying them gifts. - heck just even getting to know them. But my sister says 'they want everything' well as someone who got presents from people who put NO thought into it for most of my life, I refuse to just buy anything. They don't seem to know or care how much that stings. I would get gifts from my grandmother in England.. clothes that were way too small for the most part. my mother never bothered to let her know that out of the entire box of gifts she'd send over, my sister would get them all. There was make up sent the year I found out I was allergic to make up. One year we went over to visit them, and I said I really liked the white chocolate they had over there and we couldn't get it at home, so I got chocolate that year.. but for the most part, I got shafted.. over and over and over. So much so I dreaded the holidays. More than once I told my mother to not bother giving me gifts.. I meant it! I doubt she ever believed me. Nothing would have been preferable to gifts that were useless and meaningless to me. One or two is understandable, but all but one or two is not - and rarely the one or two were accidental. It wasn't because she thought I would like it.

So anyway.. no one to shop for, more evidence that I am a lonely ol idiot in this world..

DH doesn't understand. He thinks it is self loathing.. it really isn't. I like me. I like me a lot. I think I'm kinda neat and cool. I know he loves me, I know God loves me, and I love me. However, I have to live in this great big world called Earth with millions of other people.. and I'm constantly getting the message that I suck. Carries much more weight when it is from your own family. There is only so much of that one can take before it really starts to get to you.

I try to make friends too. Honestly I do. But I often feel like I'm globbing on to someone and trying to force them to be my friend. I HATE that feeling. DH says I just need to try harder.. but as the old saying goes, you can't make someone like you...

So what did we end up doing? we went out shopping for party dresses.. :D Silly I know. Didn't have much luck either. Had a lot more fun doing it this past summer. Probably my BFAs getting in the way again. Ended up with an A line black lace over white satin 40s inspired. First look at it and I laughed at my DH for picking it out.. but I was up for trying anything (tried on a few juniors dresses too..) and I was surprised by how much I liked it. Only other dress I liked was another type I never would have thought I would have liked.. but I did. Only this was was $170, and the one I bought was $90, with 40% off and a $10 coupon so I got it for $44.

It is for the Dh's company Christmas party. My company Christmas party is Wednesday. I'm thinking of skipping out. It is at a steak house, and frankly I haven't been in the mood to eat steak for months. There is no other option.. it is steak or steak.. My boss's husband runs the joint, and it is quite nice from what I hear...

Finally I wanted to mention that I had a dream about Emerald Thursday morning. A nice Thanksgiving treat. We just hung out together.. for some reason I wanted to go swimming and she came along. At the end I hugged her and kissed her and thanked her for hanging out with me, and I went to kiss her belly and found a pretty large open wound on her stomach. It didn't bother me at the time, but it has been since then. I keep trying to dismiss it, since I just pulled a scab off of Kit's belly from her spay.. but it bothers me. I so do miss Em terribly..

181 or maybe 179!

:) either I made my thanksgiving goal or I didn't.. depending on which scale I decide to use. My old one (the one I've been using to post my weights recently) was 181.. the old one FINALLY moved down to 179!!

I didn't do too badly today. didn't weight, measure, or really keep track. I had about a tablespoon (ok heaped) of stuffing.. 3/4ths of a roll, cornbread with cranberries and apples and a small scoop of broccoli casserole (with cream of mush soup and velveta) and some turkey. No gravy.. no corn.. no sweet potatoes that were so sweet they could have been dessert (or so I was told)

Had a small piece of stealth health gingerbread.. was yummy! it is also very thick and heavy, so the small piece did it for me.

I had a small turkey sandwich around 5.. turkey and a roll. and I've made it a point to not eat again.. I really wanna.. and I love that stuffing, but I don't want to see 184 on the scale again.. so I'm forgoing.

I also exercised this AM.

Not sure what I'm doing tomorrow. Lots of GREAT deals out there, but nothing that I really feel I want or need.. *shrug* I've always gone out on black friday.. seems weird not to go at all.. suppose I could stay in bed all day Sat.. :) we'll see..

182

not too shabby. although why my back up scale STILL says 180.5 I have no idea. I swear they are playing tricks on me.

I didn't want to exercise this morning. With every fiber of my being. I tried to talk myself into it, explaining how much better I'd feel, how I'd wake up, how I'd have energy, I'd get warm (I was cold) etc.. but I just couldn't do it. Much like you can't bring yourself to put your had on a hot stove.. although for whole different reasons..

I went to the DR, got my depo shot. Went to the Christmas Tree Shops and found some nice containers for goodies to give to the shelter staff. Went to work, left work at 1:30ish (isn't my boss great) and went over to the shelter and got bunnies :) 8 little rabbits and a mom too. hum.. dasher dancer prancer.... he he he

I'm tired, grumpy and I have a headache, and while I love having so many animals in the house, it is a good reminder why I don't have so many animals in the house all the time.. TOO MUCH WORK! ;)

183

well this is starting to freak me out. Don't eat after 6pm and lose half a pound.. seems to be a trend.. :)

Annoying thing is my back up scale is still reading 180.5 it refuses to acknowledge the two pounds I've recently lost, and will not give me a number in the 170s. mean stupid scale!

I never did finish working out last night. So I finished it off this morning. Tried to convince myself to do more, but that small little voice that seems to hold so much power said "There will be no episode recorded on Thanksgiving.. so you'll be out a day anyway.. so why bother??" And yes, it has that power, and yes, I listened to it. When I tried to get it to shut up, it reminded me that I exercised of my own accord on Sat and Sun.. so i was actually ahead of the game.

Went to the grocery store last night to stock up on Thanksgiving day supplies. Got a 18lb bird. It was about 8pm, and the place was practically empty. Despite our being very careful to keep the bird drippings away from the produce, the moronic clerk threw the bird to once side of his belt, and the roaster pan we were keeping it in on another, then proceeded to put our rolls in the roaster pan. Someone NEEDS to educate young people on the dangers of raw meat!! (as I had a similar incident at Wal*Mart recently and got yelled at by the clerk)

after the trip to the grocery store, I proceeded to clean up the Rabbit Room. It used to be my craft room, but I never craft in there, and the rabbit lives in there now.. A while back I bought a bale of hay, and stuck it in the corner. Well the rabbit took to sitting on it. I forgot all about the fact that I've taught my rabbit to sit in hay (aka her litterbox) when she has to go pee. Well when I trained her (ok she trained herself) she trained my new kitten. So we had rabbit poop and pee, and kitten poop and pee. Went all the way through the hay on to the hardwood floors!! arrgh!! Fortunately the floors stood up to it. They show some wear, but you wouldn't immediately think that the floor has been urinated on. I gathered up the unpeed on hay and put it in a big box.. so hopefully this won't be a problem again.

I then went down into the kitten room to clean that up to make the switch when the house guests come over. I'm kitty sitting for Teddy and Gypsy. Well the baby REFUSES to stay in his box, and is now getting into all kinds of trouble. They were going to stay in my office for a bit, but there are too many hidy holes for him. So now T&G will be in my office - maybe even in the rabbit room for a while - and the fosters will stay put. Probably a good thing as the mom is infested with tape worms - but that is a story for a different blog.

Went to the shelter to get meds for the tapeworms, and they have baby bunnies! oh how cute they are. I'd love to foster them... but talk about a ton of work!! and it would be for three more weeks.. and I know I'd fall head over heals for them. They need a lot of socializing, and they are currently in the education program, so that is probably best for them.

Ok, all caught up again.. nice to actually have something to blog about for a change :D

500th post - and 183.5

amazing what happens when you stick to the plan, isn't it.

What is scarey, is my second scale has been stuck at 180.5 all through the ups and downs of my first scale.. so what do I really weight.. I have no idea and I don't believe it really matters..

Short week this week.. yea! :) so much to do thought. I'm cat sitting, so I need to move my fosters out of their room into another, clean the foster room, clean the house, there was some shopping I wanted to do, but it isn't looking like that is going to happen.. :(

Last night was difficult for me. I had a TON of dreams, very loud and obnoxious ones too. Fortunately I don't really remember them. I know Muffin tried to wake me up a couple of times, and so did Jack.. *sigh* why can't I have GOOD dreams??

Well I suppose I should probably do work while at work..

184

and I'm off shopping for the day. I volunteered to make two wreaths for the shelter to donate to another place for an auction. Going to make a cat and a dog themed one.. wish me luck

184.5

arrgh. that will teach me to buy cookies

but then what do I do right after I get such a disappointing weight? I go and eat the rest of the cookies *ugh* I am never ever going to learn am I?

Less than a week to thanksgiving. Maybe if I don't eat at all between now and then I"ll see 179, but I'm not going to do that. *sigh* What on earth is it going to take to get me back on track??

Took all the cats to the vet. that was not fun. 350$ too. which wasn't nice.. but at least they are done for another year. I might go a year and a half at this point as long as everyone remains healthy. Eli needs a dental... that will be another 150$.. Why do I have six cats??

Oh yea.. they bring me joy.. that's it :D

I am motivated to list my car for sale finally. I hope that I'm lucky and list it just as someone who's looking for this type of car goes looking for it. I want it GONE..

of course I also want the garage cleaned out, and a fire place installed in my living room, and to lose 20 more pounds, and to win a million dollars..

heck, if you are going to dream, you might as well dream big (make that a billion dollars)

Still 184

But.. I only weighed early in the AM, so there is a chance I would have gotten a lower number if I could have weighed in a little later.

But I exercised (the full time) and got a shower in.. so it was a good morning regardless of the scale.

I was productive at work.. usually am on Friday. I do billing, and accounts receivable, and mail out catalogs..

Went out after work and delievered my old love seat to someone who needed it. VERY excited about that. I hate throwing things away, and if I can see them get a new life, then I'm happy. She traded me a cat tree for it.. so I'm thrilled, she's thrilled, it was a good night all around.

Then went to Chatilas Bakery in Salem NH. all their products are sugar free. I found out about their website / bakery from someone else who mentioned they did mail order. I just hate buying sugar free products like that taste un-tasted..so I figured I'd make it down there one day and try them out. I haven't had much of anything but a small sample of the pumpkin pie they had out and a cookie. THe cookie was good. A little dry, but it absolutely does not taste like a sugar free cookie. I have high hopes for the other stuff.

then stopped at wally world. Saw the cutest little dog jacket.. I couldn't resist buying it and forcing it upon Kit, who while wasn't pleased with the whole situation, who looks absolutely adorable in it, and didn't freak out as badly as I expected.

184

how frustrating that I have to constantly repeat to myself - food will only cause more problems than it will solve, and I am happy. But I got through the night with out eating off plan, so there.

So far so good today too.. however it took a great effort to get out of the bed this morning, so no exercise.. will do it tonight.. I have got to get back on the ball and do it in the AM. My body prefers it.. although you would think it if REALLY prefered it it would wake up and not be so grumpy and achy in the morning..

Its raining and gloomy here. What I want to do - since I'm not eating - is go shopping. Trade in one addiction for another. At least I'm aware of it.

Kit N. is back to her cute obnoxious self. I went downstairs to feed the foster, and ended up in the media room watching tv for a bit. She came down, ran around like a crazy kitten for a while, then disappeared. She reappeared a few minutes later with her mouse. She is JUST TOO DARN CUTE!! I'm so glad we decided to keep her, or at least we listened when she said she was staying.

I wasn't going to get on the scale

but I did. Then I was going to forget the weight. I didn't. I wasn't going to post about it. But yet I'm here.. (185)

really stinks when you have a bad day and you gain weight..

I must remember that food doesn't solve a single problem, and creates a few more of its own. Just so hard when you are feeling miserable and refined sugar is spiking in your brain..

I tried working out this morning, but got very sick to my stomach. not sure why. I had a piece of corn toast (100 calories) a little spray butter and a glass of water.. I often eat right before, and often during, I work out.. so that can't be it. I just had the spray butter on some veggies the other day, so I don't think that's it, and my DH has been eating the bread regularly, so there is nothing wrong with that. *shrug* I'll just have to do it tonight.

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about my weight at all if I could just cure my body dismorphic disorder. Seriously I still feel HUGE. I see the small pants I'm putting on (I have a 10, a 12 and I'm in the moment in a 14 that is huge on me) and each and every time I swear there is no way they are going to fit over my butt.. there is no way my legs are going to fit in them.. and lets not get me started on my BFAs..

I type that.. but then I remember that I really want to get into single digit pants (size 8) so maybe I would still worry about my weight.. *sigh* it is not going to happen unless I make a major re-commitment to this diet and right quick..

although so far today I'm only 110 calories over my NS.. with that piece of toast I had this morning..

Nice day today.. Fall's last gift to us New Englanders.. Then its rain, and cold and snow.. *sigh* I REALLY need to buy a winter jacket!! I'm using an old old one that is unstructured, so at least it doesn't look huge on me, but it feels huge on me. Maybe sometime this weekend I can go looking. Although I did see an ad for Black Friday for Kohls, they are going to have a cashmere jacket for cheap. I like cashmere.. It actually keeps me warm - which is a miracle, as I am ALWAYS cold. I have heard that cashmere isn't enviromentally friendly, but heck, if I can use less heat because I have warm clothes, isn't that at least a wash?? and it isn't like I won't own it forever because I'm too frugal for my own good.. I think I bought the jacket I'm wearing now in the 90's.

ugh! 184

I should not weigh every day.. it does get frustrating on me from time to time..

However this morning was VERY difficult on me. I ended up eating half a dozen oreo cookies, and an extra protein bar (only has 95 calories - but still) I couldn't stop wanting to stuff my face.

Fortunately now at 11am it seems to have finally passed.. not to say that I wouldn't happily eat an entire chocolate cake, but I think I could say no if it came in.

didn't exercise this AM. Had to take a shower and take care of Kit. She seems to be recovered, but we'll continue the anitbiotics just to be on the safe side. Temp last night was 103.5 this morning 102.5 I guess she believes in these half points :) My thermometer is digital, so it registers .1 degree of variation..

183.5

well that's good I suppose. WOuld have like to see some more movement, but at least it didn't go up.. which it usually does a day after a splurge..

Kit is still sick. Fever was down to 103 this AM.. but she's already paranoid of me.. I grab her and bring her to the vet, I grab her and give her medication, I grab her and give her fluids.. I fear there isn't going to be any love for me for a while. Hopefully she forgives fast.

I got in half my exercise this AM. I was waiting for the vet to call back, and then giving fluids to the kitten.

I am however getting my water in.. The water cooler at work had a leak over the weekend, and so they were emptying it out, so I've had three glasses already :) Got two more on my desk that I'll polish off. so that is about 10 8 oz glasses, and we haven't even mentioned the water I had this AM.. :)

On the flip side.. DH has decided he wants to have a big family thanksgiving (ugh) so he started inviting people last night and as of this point no one has said no. I feel so bad for the kitties.. they are going to be swamped.. (and so am I when you get right down to it.. I'm about as up for this as they are) But there will be turkey for everyone, so it should sooth a lot of nerves :D

Ok, I'm going to admit this

I went out with my friend and her husband last night (see Olive Garden) and the last time we went out as a foursome, was Jan. I had lost about 50lbs at that point and was getting some really great complements. She didn't give me any - but then again she had just gained a ton of weight - I'm assuming because of her many major family stressors going on in her life at the time.

Shortly after that she started Medifast. Lost a ton of weight.

So when I saw her, she looked great. Lost 90lbs as of last count.. and she's short. and now she's thin and short and freakin adorable..

So I felt like a clod, and a fat failure for only losing 70 lbs.. only 20 lbs since she lost her 90..

*sigh* I still feel like a failure even now typing this.

Yes, I know it is insane.. yes I know that her weight loss has nothing to do with mine..

but it doesn't stop that stupid insane voice in my head

183.5

wouldn't you know it.. I go out to eat at the olive garden, have stuffed chicken, eat pumpkin cheesecake, and I loose a pound! :) Too bad that doesn't happen every time.

Then went to the comedy improve show to benifit the shelter. It was a fun time. They had a door prize and a 50/50 raffle. Amusing thing was I was three numbers off from winning both prizes.. Just too funny (since three is my 'lucky' number)

I got my exercise in today.. so I am once again all caught up. It was difficult today, and i had to take two breaks.. so frustrating how some days I can get right through it and be ready for more, and some days it feels like I'm climbing mount everest with out equiptment..

Kit has a bit of a fever today. She's been very sleepy since her spay. I got concerned and took her temp. Went out to get her some fluids and some groceries, came home to this..

Sigh - 184.5

What the heck??

not going to worry about it, not going to worry about it.. I'm just going to try to do my best eating right and let my body worry about what weight it wants to be. So far so good today. Although I am going out to eat at Olive Garden tonight.. so who knows.

I did have my first 'thin' dream the other night. Dreamed I was in a mall or a large gathering place and there were helium balloons, and I had to worry about them lifting me off the ground. It was a very interesting feeling - and even more interesting that I actually had a thin dream. I had gotten a lot of complements previous, which might have had something to do with it.

Even though I'm still 20-30 lbs more than I remember being in HS (155ish) I am smaller in many areas than I ever was. I remember my fingers being a 7.5 size. now they are pretty much a 6.5. My class ring is way too big on me. Some of my other clothes from HS are big. Pants are still too small.. *shrug* that's ok.

I just really want my arms to be thinner, and my thighs.. I'd like to be in a single digit pant. I'm currently wearing a size 10 - yes it is a freak occurance. I'm generally a 12 and 14.

but again, I'm trying not to stress about it. THis is my life, and I want to not have to worry about food. I never have wanted that - of course and that is what lead to my being 260lbs ish. I just wish I could look at myself and not see the lumps and the bumps..

The darkness is hovering around me again. I'm hoping it will go away with out over taking me.

184.5

I shouldn't grumble too hard about that number.. the lack of morning exercise, and the total off plan eating the day before should have given me a higher number..

But I did sleep through the night *yea* and I did exercise in the AM *yea* and I've been pretty much on plan today except for the excessive peanut butter.. so hopefully tomorrow will be a better number.

Lets see... the kitten was excessively sleepy yesterday, and is still kinda out of it today, but definately more interested in life than yesterday.. so she's slow to recover. She's just so freakin cute.. She's helping me blog :D


I cleaned up my email.. its amazing the junk I think I want later.. I just deleted most of it. there were a few things that needed attention, but not much. Filed away a few letters from friends.

I am feeling a little blue because of some online groups I'm in.. but I must remember that online is just that.. online.. and it is rare that you make and keep a friend on line.

Well I'm off to watch the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special. Yes, DH is VERY into Thanksgiving..

another rant

wow.. two so close together.. look at me go.

I love animals. the more I learn about humans, the more I appreciate animals, cause frankly I've seen too much..

So I hang out at craigslist.org and a few other pet websites.. and I'm shocked by the ignorance. There was a woman with a 3 yr old looking to get rid of their beautiful cat because the 3yr old wouldn't leave the cat alone.. um.. how about teaching your child responsiblity?? or putting up baby gates so the kid can't get to the cat?? arrrgh.

But my main rant for now is people lableing their pets for sympathy. the 'i have two feral cats who are very close to me'.. um.. feral means they are NOT close to you and want to rip your face off instead of be anywhere near you. Maybe they were once strays, but you took them into your house, you feed them, they are now just two cats..

I see feral, stray, shelter all being used as adjectives to describe pets.. drives me nuts.. Unless they are currently feral, currently stray or currently in a shelter, they are just your pet.

Today I saw one that said she had four katrina cats.. um.. what? what does the fact that you rescued these cats from the hurricane have to do with anything?? IT DOESN'T! You just want more sympathy so you can get help with your real problem of having found a stray dog. *rolls eyes*

People, take responsiblity for your pets.. By refering to them as to what they were, you lessen the relationship you have with them now and make them appear that much more disposable.

Just so you all know:

fe·ral (fîr'əl, fěr'-) Pronunciation Key
adj.

Existing in a wild or untamed state.
Having returned to an untamed state from domestication.
Of or suggestive of a wild animal; savage: a feral grin.

so basically, anything you can touch and not bring back a bloody stump, is not feral.. it is stray.. and if it is living in or around your house and you feed it on a regular basis, it isn't stray.. it is yours.

184.5

well that wasn't the number I was hoping for this morning.. but then again I woke up at 3am with sinus issues, and had a full glass of water along with my medication.. so maybe tomorrow.

The Kitten's surgery went well. Stopped by a friend's house afterwards. I met a wolf.. which was very interesting. much more stupid dog like then I would have thought.. not to imply that I think the wolf is stupid by any means.. just happy and lumbering and running around like those silly stupid dogs..

but with all the visiting, I didn't get to my exercise last night. With the sinus issues this morning I didn't do it then either. I'm tired and grumpy, so I don't know if I'll get to it tonight either... but I'll try. I know it is good for me.

Baby shower for a woman at work today. She's going to be having her son right quick.

I finally got all but 1/2 of my acrylic nails off. the piece that is left I tried to soak off earlier, so it is rather thin and not bothering me at all..

other than that I'm tired, cold, and grumpy, so I'm going to not inflict myself on this post any more :)

185 sorta

ok, now the scale is just being mean.. and I know it. I had to get up very early this morning. I weighed, went and took a shower - so my hair was soaked with water, got back on the scale and got 184.5.. So I'm going to take this day as a pass.

Slept through the night WITH OUT chemical help.. shock of shocks.. especially since my throat has been hurting, and my sinuses are acting up.

I've also come to the realization that I need major help in the head. I REALLY want to bake for Christmas gifts.. breads and cookies etc. But I KNOW no one really wants them. They will like them, and eat them, but everyone I know is watching their calories.. so there will always be that overshadowing everything.. *sigh* anyone remember the good ol days when no one thought of calories??

I did exercise last night. Didn't this morning.. I'll do it tonight when I get home, and once again I'll be caught up.

Kit is at the vet getting altered.. I'm very nervous.. it is silly.. but there it is

totally unmotivated

Once again the darkness showed up this morning. I counted my blessings, and told it to take a hike. Kissed the kitties and came to work.

well work is unfulfilling, so I'm bored, and I'm tired, and I'm sick, and I REALLY don't want to be here any more..

*sigh*

and what I really really want is a very large yummy chocolate bar..

no no no.. No I don't. What I want is a nap.. but I'm here till 6.. and I'm going to go home and exercise, and then I'll sleep..

and I'll stay on plan.. I will.. darkness be cursed.. take a hike. You aren't wanted around here!

Guess it is time to give my depression posts their own catagory.. *shakes head* Must remember it is just a chemical imbalance..should rank right up there with people who get chronic infections.. nothing wrong with that.. just something annoying to deal with..

184

and this is why weighing every day isn't a good thing. I got cocky with yesterday's loss, and because I wasn't feeling well, and tired, I ate a few additional things. I also wasn't feeling well this morning, and didn't exercise. DH is out of town for the night so doing it tonight will be easier.

I did exercise last night.. so I'm mostly caught up (if I had done so this AM I would be)

I also slept through the entire night. Of course I had chemical help of night time pain relievers.. However I did wake up and it was still very dark. My nose was running and my throat hurt.. I thought it was 3 or 4am.. it was almost 6.. because shortly after I blew my nose the alarm clock went off. Kinda freaked me out as I didn't believe I went through the entire night.

Its cold and raining this AM. I'm wearing two sweaters and I still have my scarf on and I'm still very cold. It makes me want to eat.. but I'm trying to be strong as I've already went off plan with 100 calories of pudding this morning.

Kitten goes for her spay tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it as I am going to have to get up early, and drive down there, and go into the clinic that I haven't been in since I was there with Em. *sniff* I can do this.. I can be strong..

182

Well I got on the scale after my last post, and came up with 182. I swear my scale is a prankster.. but I think I'll settle on that number..

I didn't work out.. but I did get to work on time.. a rarity. Work is so laid back they don't seem to care at all if I'm 5 or 10 minutes late. heck even 30 they don't say anything... but I feel bad.

I'll do it when I get home tonight.. I promise!

183 or 181.5?

I got up at 6am went to the bathroom and weighed. Got 183. Went back to bed for an hour, go 181.5 I find I have my lowest weight if I sleep till 9... so who knows. regardless I think I had another pretty good day. I did both episodes of exercise, and ate farely well. I missed lunch - just wasn't hungry - so I ended up having a cliff bar before I went to bed - cause that was when I WAS hungry.. so I think I was on plan, or maybe just a little low as I didn't have a salad or a protein for lunch.

I ended up taking a couple more of my acrylic nails off. I have had fake nails for several years now, and I was sick of the upkeep. I LOVED having the nails, but spending $20 every two to three weeks, and figuring out a tip, and dealing with people who don't speak english (if I wanted someone who spoke english as a first language it would be $30 not including tip) Its been six weeks since I had them filled for the last time, and they are about half way off. I hate having them physically removed, so I just cut them down to the tips, and are letting them grow off; When the tips start coming off I have been soaking them off, and most of them have. I have two tips fully on, and two or three that are half taken off.

I'm tired, my tushie hurts (from exercising) and I don't want to start today.. unfortunately if I want it to or not it is going to start anyway.. so I might as well start exercising and not get behind so early in the week.

183

amazing what staying on the diet will accomplish hun?

I so need to catch up on my exercise today.. I have two episodes to do (I do step aerobics to TV shows five days a week.. ) but I'm still kinda wonky today.. I'm going to start and try to push through it, but I'll listen to my body, if it is too sick to do it, then I'll just delete the episodes and start fresh on Monday.

Hurricane came and went.. we didn't lose power which was nice.

I need to get to the grocery store today to stock up on salad mix for myself, greens for the bunny, and fruits and veggies. Only problem with this diet, is I'm at the grocery store all the freakin time.

Also need to get to the shelter and arrange for the kitten's adoption.

Very short todo list, but I'm curious if I'll get through it all.

sick girl

ugh.. I hate coming down with something and NOT being able to sleep. *sigh* I'm not weighing today as I haven't slept and I'm constantly drinking..

I had a weird dream last night.. I was in NYC with DH and someone else. We were at a fancy party, but there was something off about it. at the end the there of us left, and we drove home. we were in a convertable with all our stuff and our cats. we were on an elevated highway, and the person we were with was driving, and she started losing control. so we got off the highway, and ended up near the ocean. There were a few buildings first - a large building school or church that was falling apart. then a few log cabins that were being assembled or disassembled, then the ocean. Jack and Muffin were sitting on the front of the car as we were driving, and I decided to feed the seagulls the hotdog bun I had in my pocket. Then the seagulls were on the front of the car too, and one picked Jack up by the middle. This freaked me out, and I made Jack come to the back seat of the car with me, which is when I woke up and had a cat on me. Not sure who..

Big hurricane coming this way today, so I thought I'd get up and try to clean up my email while I still have power. Don't know for certain that we'll lose it, but it is a pretty good bet.

Once I get this cleaned up, I think I'll just take some nyquil and take a sick day.

183.5

so halloween didn't set me back as far as I thought it would. Good.

Yesterday was hard. Today is hard. The bowl of M&Ms are screaming to be eaten.. claiming the few calories wont make that much of a difference..and truthfully they wont.. but the sugar will cause me to crave sugar all day long.. so I resist..

I was watching TV last night and was once again shown the TV ad about TVs all having to be digital. Did you know they made a law mandating all signals be digital by 2009? WTH? now I'm all for progression of technology, and making my entertainment clearer and crisper and what not.. but why on earth does the goverment care about this? don't you think the free market economy would ensure that we get to see the pimples or wrinkles on our nightly news anchors?? why do I have to have the goverment mandate this?? Isn't there better things they could be doing with their time like ensuring I couldn't have an abortion if I wanted/needed one? *rolls eyes* all the homeless people out there with out tvs.. you think they could save a little time and money and not regulate this, and do something actually worth while *sigh*

this is why we need Stephen Colbert in the White House.. no wait.. he'd probably mandate everyone OWN a digital TV so we could watch him.

day 1.1

look at me.. two posts in one day.

Just wanted to say I REALLY want to get into the M&Ms.. and it is because I am beyond not motivated to do my work. I've been reading blogs, and chat rooms.. I need to get on the working is good bandwagon, but all I want to do is run off and go shopping. Heck, I even want to run off and go exercise.. I just really don't want to be here.

But then again, who really WANTS to be at work? seriously, aren't there other things you'd rather be doing?

November - day one

Ok, my eating has been really out of control the past few weeks, and I'm sure the scale is ticked off at me. I didn't weigh this morning, but yesterday I was 183.5

and I ate cookies, and ice cream, and brownies (all diet versions, but still)

then this morning the cookies needed to be eaten, and my morning shake said fill me with extras..

then when I walked into work, the bowl of M&Ms had to be sampled yet again..

That is when I said that is it. Ok actually my pants screamed at me when I sat down.. As of right now, I am 110% back on the diet.. I will see the 170s by Thanksgiving, and would like to be flirting with the 160s by Christmas..

I'm also going to try to keep track of my moods. I'm in the middle of watching a show about depression. It isn't all that helpful to me yet, but I had to stop half way through to go to work. However at this point they are talking about major depressive episodes.. not the chronic crap I'm dealing with.. a day here, a couple of hours there.. random shots of crap.. like someone cosmically throwing a wet blanket or a bucket of black slime all over my life and emotions.. *sigh* If I don't get a handle on my emotions, they will be the death of me.. More because I will eat myself to death than anything radical like suiside.

Honestly I often think of it. Most of the time it seems like a horrible thing.. sometimes it seems reasonable.. rare times it seems welcome.. fortunately I am able to see the horrible side of it even in the rare times when I don't think I can face another day. I think I have the kitties to thank for that. Their unabashed worship of me. Their absolute gratitude to see me.. which is unbelievably sweet and also incredibly annoying - especially when that grattitude is occurring in the middle of the night and I just rolled over to get comfortable :)

So.. my emotional state.. I'm good. (I watch too much TV to ever say my life is great.. cause the minute you do bad things happen) I'm able to see the good things in my life.. I have plans for future events - getting together with my friend in a week or so - thinking about Christmas. Kinda avoiding thinking about Thanksgiving. DH LOVES.. no.. LOVES Thanksgiving, and always wants it to be a huge event. I'm not into huge events.. I'm content going out to eat.. but he puts up with the things I love to do - like staying home with the kitties for Christmas - so I will put up with this. Not sure why I was so intent on stuffing my face this morning. I'm sure there is something going on that I'm refusing to face.. but for now I'll just have to rely on the fact that I am stronger than that which I refuse to face, and wait for it to show itself.

I can do this.

I'll weigh tomorrow and report in.

I joined nablopomo, so hopefully I will be posting every day this month.. that should be interesting. I was planning on doing it anyway - to try to keep better track of that which I tend to want to ignore - so hopefully this will keep me on track.

hair cut

I forgot to mention I went to the beauty salon on Friday after work. I schedualed a facial as my face has been an absolute mess lately - dry, breaking out, etc. I had never had one, and had no idea what to expect. I schedualed a hair cut afterwards.

The facial was interesting. I undressed from the waist up, and laid down on a massage table. She got out the big magnifying glass and told me my face had some black heads and some white heads, and some break outs.. classified me as oily.. and went to work. did a cleansing, a scrub, a mask, and a moisturizer. I thought they would do something about said black and white heads, but no, I brought those home with me. She recommended a product for oily skin - which I bought.

this was friday. I've been using the products since then, and this morning I had three more pimples.. actually four if you count the one INSIDE my ear - but I am choosing to ignore that one. One is on my eyelid and very annoying if not painful. I found myself picking at it in my sleep! I was speaking to the manager (more on why in a minute) and he said I should be breaking out after a facial.. so if these don't stop right quick I'll consider these products a failure and go back to the cleansing milk that I have.

So after the facial, I was charged out - despite the fact that I told them I had a hair appointment - and then handed over to the hair side of things. I got a woman who didn't speak english all that well. I explained that I wanted to shorten up the length to try to blend it all into one length. She took me for a shampoo, then started to cut the back of my hair. She then moved to the front of my head, and parted my hair in the middle. I explained I never part my hair in the middle, and the last time it was cut the stylist parted it in the middle and I ended up with some very short pieces when I style it as I wear it. She said it would work out, and I interupted her saying I was very uncomfortable with her cutting it with the part in the middle, explaining that once you flip the hair over the top of the head it would be too short - well she interupted me and asked me quite rudely if I went to beauty school. I said no, but if she didn't understand this basic concept then maybe she shouldn't be cutting my hair. Well she said maybe she shouldn't and plopped her scissors and comb on the counter and walked off.

so I was sitting there amazed with myself for standing up for myself. I always tell people they should, but I rarely do it, especially when it comes to my hair. I have had such horrid hair cuts in the past, that I often feel it is my fault that my hair looks butchered - thinking I didn't explain myself well. So half my hair was still in clips, and dripping wet, and I sat there like that for quite a few minutes. I thought about getting up and leaving, but I was half way through a hair cut, and knew I'd look absurd.

So I waited a few more moments when a guy came over with a pouch of tools. He asked me what was going on, and how I was doing. I said I was frustrated but open, and explained my issue. He made some excuses for her - as if she were trying to get it even - but to me if you part in the middle then you cut in the middle..if you part on the side, then you cut it and make it even with the part on the side.. doesn't seem like rocket science to me. Turns out he was the manager - which I didn't know till he had been there a few moments - and he cut it with the part on the side and I am happy with it. I still have some short pieces from the last cut - at least I think they are from the last cut - and the cut is actually much shorter than I would have liked (about an inch above my shoulders) *shrug* but is cute, it fits in a pony tail if I want to get it up, and I like it in general. I have gotten a couple of complements on it.

although I'm still thinking I should cut my bangs back in.. even though they frustrate me to no end, and I rarely had anything good to say about them. they are what I know, how I think of myself, and are comfortable.. this style while adorable just doesn't feel like me - do you know what I mean??

more shopping

I feel compelled to buy more clothes. Technically I believe I have enough to get me through the winter, even though my closet is kinda bare. Although I do feel the need to buy a new winter coat. I still have my large winter coats, which I pretty much drown in now, but they will keep me warm. It isn't like I am outside a lot, but when I am I want a nice warm heavy coat. Can't find one that I like. 90% of the coats in my area are black. I don't want a black coat.. *sigh* and the 10% of non black coats are so light they feel like fall coats to me, and what is the point of that?

I found a few on QVC and on line that I like, but coats fit so differently from manufacturer to manufacturer. I had on one long wool coat that was a size 10 that was quite roomy, and I had on another in a 14 that felt tight. I'm scared to buy one on line. I know QVC will take it back - but I'll end up paying to ship it back, which I'm not a big fan of. (I'm too cheap for my own good)

So we went to a local salvage store. I love that place, they quite often get very high end clothes, and I pay 10-20 for them. Paid $40 for a very soft high end cashmere sweater - actually I'm wearing it right now, along with my $10 bill blass jeans. Found a whole bunch of shoes from QVC there! I was thrilled. Got two pairs of the same shoes - one in green the other in blue. They were $60 shoes for less than $15 each. Got some ryka sneakers - brown sweade - oh so comfortable - for under $20 - I don't remember off the top of my head but I actually think they were more around $15 and those also retail around $60! they had some QVC leather coats, but they weren't for me. I tried on a couple of skirts, but I wasn't thrilled with any of them. Oh I also got a pair of winter boots for $16.. again another high end comfy set for 50-75% off retail! I shouldn't feel the need to buy shoes for a long time :) Which is pretty amazing as I usually have the worst time finding shoes that fit right.

Went to TJMaxx also yesterday. They sell sugar free Torani syrups for $5.99 (can often find them on clearance for $3.00 or less) and most of the online suppliers have them for $7.99 with additional shipping. They don't have a heck of a lot of flavors, so I think I'll order some anyway and try a few new flavors for something different. My food has been tasting bland to me lately - so I find I'm reaching out for off plan food - which is also disappointing unless I really go all out - and I'm stuck at around 184ish. I need to kick my butt and get back in gear and get down to the 170s again.

Happy Halloween!

Updates for October

Once again, it has been a while, hasn't it?

Well my weight fluxuated around 183ish for the first two weeks of Oct, then we went on a trip to AZ. I came back at 186. Not too shabby for not having decent food choices (can we say contential breakfast - carb overload!) More on the trip later. Watched what I ate earlier on in this week, saw 183 yesterday, but was 185 this morning! arrgh. Might have something to do with the fact I put off exercising till the night time, and didn't sleep well. We'll see how that goes. I'm trying not to stress about it, but then again, not stressing about it has slowed the weight loss dramatically!

So this trip. DH was sent to Tucson for work. Nice hotel. So I went along. And just to up my stress level (because I HATE to travel) he decides he wants to go to San Diego and go to the zoo. Yes.. DH extended our trip by several days just so he could go to yet ANOTHER zoo. *sigh* It is a nice zoo.. and I did get to get incredibly close to a polar bear (i love polar bears) but if I was able to do it all over again, and have control, i wouldn't have gone. but then again I might not have gone to AZ either - did I mention I hate to travel?) It is good to get out of the house from time to time (or so I'm told) so.. I went.. and I liked it too.. yea.. that's it! :)

anyway.. the zoo was nice.. if not a little confusing. the map is not to scale, and the trails aren't all that clearly marked.. but we got to see everything we wanted. We saw a LOT of people looking at their maps (which is why I can confidently say it was the map's issue, not ours) got pretty close to pandas and polar bears.. Got a new T-Shirt for Lizzy.. she looks stylin in her fancy new polar bear shirt.. (yes, Lizzy is my stuffed polar bear - now don't you go commenting I've had her since I was 16! *GACK! She's 20 years old!!*)

We then drove from CA to AZ. Had to go through a boarder patrol station. They took one look at our pasty white faces and didn't even make us stop.

Tucson was kinda boring. (sorry if you are from Tucson and love it) I'm a pasty white girl who HATES being outside for fear of burning and skin cancer, so once you rule out hiking and other outdoor activities, there wasn't much left. I got the skinny on a couple of shopping malls, but they held pretty much all the same shops we have. There were a few that had different names, but once you went inside them, they felt exactly like shops we have here. Ross was like Marshalls, etc. I did make it to my favorite store Stein Mart which unfortunately we don't have anywhere near me.

I first found Stein Mart in FL. Was only in it for a few minutes, but I was hooked. When I found out there was one in Tucson, I was excited. The store in Tucson was very nice, but most of the clothes in it were too dressy for my current life. Good for a fancy office, or life events, but I don't have either. I have a t-shirt and jeans office, and my biggest life event is going to the shelter :) I bought a hoodie and a light sweater (buying clothes for a winter in NE was not possible in AZ!) We then drove up to Phoenix.. found there were several more Stein Marts there.. Went to one, and found a couple of jackets and a shirt I liked. DH ended up buying more clothes there than I did.. two polo shirts, two dress shirts and a suit jacket that was on sale for $17! I doesn't quite fit him, but for that price he can deal with slightly too big - seeing as a lot of his clothes fall into that catagory anyway.

met up with a couple of people I know from an online message board. then spent thursday traveling home. slept all day friday.. slowly intergrated back into life over the weekend. Apparently we left at a very good time.. I feel for all those people out there in the fires..

And now it is the 24th.. Not much going on for the rest of the month. Friday I have an appointment to get my hair cut again, and I'm going for a facial. at some point I want to go down to MA and find a Sephora store to buy some facial products. Don't know why I think Sephora holds the key.. but I really have no idea what kinds of products to buy to keep my face moisturized with out getting acne (which I'm having a major problem with hence the facial on friday)

Oh wait.. we did go to a murder mystery theatre show the other night with friends/cousins Doug and Sara. It was a quickly thrown together, so you could see the gaping holes when they tried to 'figure it out' at the end - waiting for the audience to chime in with clues they found.. but it was cute. DH was brought up on stage at one point (thanks to another cousin that was in the show) and he got a free admission ticket to go to another preformance.

I still have to list my old car for sale. I can't believe I still have that thing. This weekend.. really.. (that is what I've said for the past few weekends though)

I think that's everything..

Oh I am pretty sure the fish oil is helping with my mood. I can tell when I don't take it. When I get bluer - I take another one. Seems to work *shrug* could be a placibo effect (don't you wish I could spell?) but honestly I don't care.. as long as I can keep the darkness at bay, that is really all I care about. Despair is a horrid thing!

sigh

it has been a while - hasn't it. I'm not really sure why. guess I didn't want to spew my depression all over the net. I have been having a hard time, and I really need to force myself to focus on the good things. I did send my DH out to pick up some more meds for me, and I've been increasing my intake of omega3s in hopes of stimulating a good mood physically..

I am at a point where Em is just in the background now. Not something I think of constantly. I'm surprised how quickly she moved from my primary focus in life to a thing of my past. I'm still tearing up easily when I think about her not being around any more, but life is moving on.. just as it always does no matter what you want.

my weight has gone down a bit to 179.5 (even took a picture!). This past weekend was hard on me, for no particular reason, and I couldn't stop eating. Monday I weighed 181.. tuesday 183 (why is it the weight waits two days to pile on?).. hey.. that's today.. *ugh* So I'm recommitting to get rid of the sugar and stay on plan this week. Easier said than done - but I have one day under my belt, and today is full of things to do, so today might be as well. no.. wait.. it will be.. period.

Work got very hard for me too. My boss was out of the office having ACL surgery. She's fine, but not having her around was hard. One office mate is nice enough, but I wouldn't call her a friend, and the other is just the bane (as you've seen from previous posts). Well the bane waited till we were all alone in the office and cornered me and accused me of not doing my job, being lazy, and a bunch of other things, while at the same time stating she was too important or too lazy to do her job. I tried very nicely to push her off till the boss came back just a few days later, but she refused. I talked to my boss about it. Now my boss is the sweetest thing I've ever worked for - and pretty darn close to one of the sweetest people I know - and I stressed horribly over dumping this on her. She wasn't happy, and she dealt with it after I left one day. I have no idea how that went, or what was said. The bane has been fairly standoffish - not rude, and not open about it, but just avoiding. I'm ok with that. totally.

also going on is the DH took a new job with in his company. Not really a promotion - since he is taking a pay cut to do it - but it is a job he really wanted to do, so *sigh* I'm dealing with the lesser income. it isn't huge.. and now that I don't have a car payment any more it should pretty much even out, but DH isn't the most fiscally responsible person on the face of the planet, and he constantly runs out of money despite having enough to pay the bills. $10 here for lunch, etc. I've bailed him out of way too many debts, that I keep threatening to take over the bills. I don't really want to know the cost of electricity.. I know it will make me even more of a nag than I am now. I fear I am going to have to anyway. He isn't going to like it one bit... but at least I know that we'll be able to retire one day.

I have been having some weird dreams lately too. One I was a CSR at a large superstore. There were two levels of check out areas. One on ground level the other up a set of stairs. Everyone wanted to go up the stairs to check out, despite their not being any better than the ones they could just walk up to. Even people not physically capable of getting up the stairs wanted to go. Then last night I dreamed I was at a roller skating rink.. I was given the oddest skates, and it took me a while to be able to stand up on them, but shortly I was doing some intermediate style tricks. then there was a cat who had some sort of hole in it that was bleeding profusely. It was all black - and not one I recognized. I was so disturbed I woke up. There was another one where I was a teacher of some sort. I remember that I wanted to remember it, but I've forgotten it.. :(

Then there is the trip we are taking. DH is being sent to AZ for training. So we are making a jaunt out to San Diego (don't ask.. he wants to go) to go to the zoo and the beach, and then driving to AZ (again, don't ask) I am dreading and looking forward to this at the same time. I don't travel well at all, and I hate leaving my kitties and my house, and all my stuff.. but there are some stores out there that I really have wanted to shop in, so *shrug* and the fact that it should be nice and warm.. which will be nice.

Lets see.. anything else. We are going to adopt Tilly... so we are back to six cats. she is too freakin cute for our own good.. I hope she stays that way and doesn't turn into hell spawn. Her addition to the fold has caused some problems in the house, but just a few spats.. hopefully they will die down soon.

Well I think that is everything for now..

:)

well so much for day one...

lately - ok for the past three weeks - I have been tired, achy, miserable, etc.. so this morning I made a deal with myself.. I would give myself a 1 week break from exercising (since it wasn't helping) and all I needed to do was think positive happy thoughts when I felt myself being miserable.

so my positive happy thoughts were litteral.."Positive - happy thoughts.. " honestly. But it kept me from being too miserable.

now at 4pm in the afternoon of a work day that ends at 6pm, the baine of my existance brings work to me. Work that she expects ME to do for her... cause she is to *bleep*'n lazy to re-wright on the order form. she wants me to cull the information SHE has already been given and deemed appropriate and necessary, and she doesn't want to re-write it so all I have to do is transcribe it (WHICH IS MY JOB!!) I've already talked this over with my boss, and she agrees with me. well the baine has decided to wait till my boss (and the second in command) are both out to attack me and INSIST that I cull this *bleep*'n information from the invoice requests.. I tried explaining nicely that she should talk to the boss about this, and that it wasn't my job to cull this information out that she's already deemed important, and she basically said "I'm too lazy to re-write it all out for you".

well EXCUSE ME! you lazy *beep* *Beep* *BEEP!!!!* So now I have to do four times the work and HOPE that I did it right, when IT IS NOT MY BLEEPIN JOB!!

I don't think so.

I don't know what to do since my boss isn't here, and won't be here till the 17th (of course the baine is going to be gone that week) do I do the invoicing and shut up about it, or do I hold off, or do I do it, but then bring it all to my boss's attention?? arrrgh

positive
happy
friggen
thoughts..

thursday

Well the weekend was bad, and I swore I'd work out every day this week and follow the plan. well the plan has been 98-99% depending on how you look at it.. and so far I have exercised each day - despite the aches in my joints.. I haven't yet today, but I will this evening. I'm back down to 182 on the scale that was weighing me at 181.5 so I'm not doing too bad.

I did have a very hard day today though. Woke up this morning from a dream that broke my heart. I was outside with Em, and I turned my back on her for a few minutes, and someone kitty-napped her. I was so distressed about her health, and sobbing why would someone take her from me..

pretty easy to read that dream too. My dreams are thankfully pretty uncomplicated when they are trying to tell me something. When I have nothing to say they get really obnoxious. Although the other morning I swore I had a dream I went grocery shopping. Nothing obnoxious about that except I went through the experience and didn't have the groceries..

Long weekend.. I think I might go clothes shopping.. Might stop at the burlington coat factory and see if they have a cool coat that I might want.. I'm so in need of winter clothes.. *sigh* I so much prefer shopping when I don't have an adjenda. if I have to go out and buy - say a pair of black pants - there aren't any black pants anywhere.. or if they are they are so beyond wrong for me that it isn't funny. But if I just mosey out to the store to waste time, I find piles of clothes..

*sigh*

I so want Em back..

I am thinking about adopting Tilly though. The pros and the cons are pretty much even.. she's going to be at the house for a few more weeks, so we'll see if the scales tip one way or the other. Everyone else got neutered yesterday and will probably be going up for adoption tomorrow. I think I'm going to try to run over after work today and visit with them a bit.

depression sucks

I am stuck in the middle of a muck filled mire of emotions that stink. I know that the voice in side my head telling me that life is pointless is pointless itself, and that in order to continue living, I must ignore it.. and I will.. but it is rather loud this time around.

The death of Em has hit me particularly hard. I very much want to stay in bed all day. It doesn't help that I'm very achy, and feel very feverish - even though I'm not.

Over the weekend I went to a family affair and saw my parents for the first time in almost two years.. it wasn't bad. Everyone was happy to see me. My sister made it a point to seek me out and spend time with me which was nice. I spent a lot of time with my cousin Sue (she's 10+ years older than I) who I've appreciated a lot recently because she's made it a point several times to tell me I am beautiful. As someone who didn't get that at all as a child, and very little as an adult, it is very nice to hear... especially from someone not married to me - if you know what I mean. There were some comments on my weight - but fortunately not a lot. I did go out and buy a new sun dress for the occasion and I was over dressed.. but not by much. It was obxniously hot and muggy - and toward the end of the day I started to feel quite faint. I'm not sure why. I ate - not perfectly - but well considering my diet and the food available (ok ok.. I had THREE pumpkin chocolate chip cookies which i totally LOVE) I had two bottles of water..

so part of me wonders if this ache and depression is something a little more serious... but I can't imagine what. I'm sure the stress of going to the event had a lot to do with the near faint - that and the heat - and the photos of a distant realative's cousin's friend's boy who was in a very bad accident that killed his two friends and smashed his arm to smitherienes.. I dont do well with medical things. Then my nephew tripped and cut his head and was bleeding and went off to the ER.

So unless I feel faint again soon, or something else happens, I'm going to discount that one..

I did give in over the weekend - and ate way too much. Back up to 187 on one scale, and 184.5 on the other.. i can feel it in my clothes.. I can feel it everywhere, so I'm sure it is a lot of water as I ate quite a few salt filled choices.. I did my full exercise this AM.. and plan on doing that every day this week to make up for it - as I REALLY want to go clothes shopping this weekend..

so despite that voice in my head.. despite the attractiveness of the cliff.. I shall do what needs to be done and move forward..

(but honestly, what I want is my bed - and a plate full of danish and ice cream)

more weird dreams

I haven't been able to fall asleep lately. I lay in bed thinking of Em, and sleep just waits its turn...

then when it comes, it has been bringing the weird.. the other night I dreamed I was in a scooby doo movie/show.. and I was shaggy. It started out that I was in the mystery machine and scooby was driving. I saw velma on the side of the road talking to someone (a police officer??) and I had scooby slow down so I could jump out, then he went to go park. (told you - weird) turns out daphne and fred were missing. velma walked away, and the next time I saw her she was some mysterious figure opening a door to a basement. there was a "A-HA!" moment, the light came on, and there was velma in a daphne get up.. not sure what she was trying to do, as I woke up.

Last night it started out about lobstering. Guess i fell asleep to the news, where they were talking about problems the lobster men are having. I was talking to someone about the problem, and they brought me to the end of a pier, and said yes, if you try to lobster in DEEP water, its a problem - and pointed to the deep water off the pier - then this person dragged me off the pier, and down the beach, and said they needed to lobster in the shallow water where it was easy - and I looked in the water that wasn't much more than ankle deep and saw all kinds of fish, small fish and larger ones in schools. we walked down the beach, and I wondered why more people didn't take the easy way. I turned around and my parents were there - looking disappointed.. doing things the easy way was never high on their priorities.. then someone recognized me and cried out that I was going to be late for the ceremony, and how I was the guest of honor.. I was spirited away to a military type bunker/school/academy, where I ran through the halls to an upstairs room.. people wanted to stop me and talk to me about my achievements, but I was late and kept going..

which is when I woke up..

Kinda easy to read that one. As I am going to see my parents for the first time in almost two years this weekend.. I am not looking forward to going, the attention over my weight loss, the family function, etc.. but I feel I must..

disturbing dreams

well last night wasn't pretty. I went to bed very early since I didn't get much sleep for Monday. sometime in the middle of the night I started dreaming that I was standing outside of a place I worked (I had worked there 10 years ago) I saw my mom, dad and sister get into my parent's car. They were shouting distance away, but I didn't yell out to them. I thought what was the point. They started to drive off, and I walked up the parking lot, to where I don't know. The lot then turned into a scarey movie type forest. I had a stake in my hand, and then a big creapy scarey monster type vampire type thing started toward me. I said I wasn't scared, and it just laughed at me saying killing wasn't as easy as it appeared. I took the stake and shoved it into the chest, and then pulled it out and put it up under the chin, and started to shove it in, when I woke up to the most violent shivers. According to my DH I was quite clammy. The room wasn't particularly cold, having shut the air conditioning off several hours before, and I was covered with a sheet.. but I couldn't stop shivering. It was horrible.. some of the most violet shivers I've ever had, and I'm prone to being cold and shivering. They finally started to subside, but I ended up having to go to the bathroom, which started them up all over again.

Some how I got back to sleep, and while I don't remember the dreams I had any more, I know they were pretty disturbing, boarding on violent..

all I want out of life right now is Em. and since that isn't going to happen, I'd accept the acceptance of Em not being here.. I keep trying.. keep facing it, keep denying it, keep keeping myself busy so I don't think about it, and I still end up in tears.

yes.. all this for "just a cat" and honestly, Em was sorta in that relm. She wasn't spectacular.. couldn't open doors or do any tricks really. She peed on the floor. Had diabeties so she was a lot of work.. but she was MINE.. and I loved her.. and she loved me.. *sigh* and now her body is gone. I just hope her spirit is still near by, and I'll get more visits..

184 on the scale this morning.. not too shabby. week and a half till the family function, you think I can lose 4.5 lbs by then? probably not.. Guess I'll just lie and say 179 :D

fake it till you make it

I must give kudos to my DH. He is somehow keeping it together through my mess. as previously stated, he is not an emotional guy. Not that he just doesn't show it, I swear he just doesn't have as many neruons devoted to emotions that most people do. and that is a good thing when it comes to me... cause I think I have his extras.

I am in the throws of a depression I can't seem to escape from. I don't want to do ANYTHING. I don't want to sit around and mourn Em, but I don't want to go out and do anything either. last night apparently I didn't even want to go to sleep - as I was up till about 2am. so today is not one of my better days.

this is kinda hard to admit, but my DH is taking care of me above and beyond. I barely want to eat, and when I have food put in front of me, I certainly don't want to work to eat it - so nothing that needs a knife.. and if it did at one point he is kind enough to cut it up for me.

I am trying to talk myself into going out and doing fun things even if they are wrong for my diet - say going to get ice cream.. but the party pooper in me says what's the point, it will just ruin your diet. I've tried shopping for clothes when I'm like this, and nothing fits or looks right - and don't get me started on dressing room lighting.. so I've been avoiding that as well.

and I have no idea why I am at work. No wait.. I know. I need a job cause I need the money... But I do NOT want to be here. I just want to crawl into bed and never leave.

I don't get how some people don't leave. I hear of people who are so depressed they can't get out of bed. I just can't fathom that.. cause no matter how much I don't want to get up, or how I just can't see the point, I know of duty and I get up anyway.. I have to, so I do. and I fake it till it gets better..

cause it always does.

and don't think I don't want to adopt several of my foster kittens to help ease the pain.. but I KNOW that it would not be a good idea on a lot of leves. a really good idea on a couple of levels.. Twee really REALLY wants a kitten.. and she is still greiving hard over Em.. I think she either doesn't understand, or she doesn't forgive me. but at least she's starting to talk more.. maybe I should contact an animal communicator again and just check in with them. I've seen a change in my kitties since my last session.. for the better.

185.5

so I'm doing something right. Although the chocolate marshmellows (oh those are evil) aren't helping..

I couldn't face exercising this morning either. I'm going to do it tonight when I get home.. although as hot and as humid as it is - oh shut up me.. I have central air conditioning, I can't bitch about the heat..

I'm still having a very hard time facing each day. Tomorrow will be a week. It is still so hard realizing she's gone. I think she's just off somewhere..

Tweedle still hangs out on the table with her ashes..

I just hope that when it is time for the others to go, they go quick, and don't linger like Em did.. not that I am not so very happy we had so much time together, but I'm so lost - unlike either of the other times I have had cats put down..

Five days later

I'm still wearing black. I figure I'll go a week and see what happens.

I still can't get through the day with out breaking down and crying. at least it isn't the big fat ugly cry that hurts any more, but it is still quite messy. I miss her so much. So does Tweedle. The only time I've heard her talk since we put Em down was the moment before I saw Em. I was waking up, and heard her cry out, so I rolled over and called out to her eyes closed, and I clearly saw Em sitting on the end of the bed. I was filled with such peace. Unfortunately that peace only lasted one day. I so wish I could see her again..

since I am a mess, I figured I'd finally reply to my mother. Its been what.. since May. I know I know.. but there was only so much I could deal with while Em was alive. My mother is one of those people who lives her life with blinders on. if what she thinks she is supposed to see isn't exactly what she sees, then it isn't happening. I got an invitation to a family function at the end of the month, so it was about time, and I left it that we would most likely meet at this function, and go from there.

I know the mother daughter relationship is supposed to be this big influential part of a woman's life, and that I should try to fix this. but I can't see ANY benifit out of it the way it is/was. I get nothing out of it but greif and self doubt. I so do not need that. I just don't know. I do miss my dad... but I am in such a better place emotionally since I stopped seeing her.. I really don't want to ruin that. Yea yea yea.. no one can make me feel belittled but me... but that is way easier said than done. to me it feels like I'm stuck in the mire she shovels at my feet, and after years of it, I'm up to my neck and then some.

anyway. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown I think. Wanting things that can not be.

And to top it off, since I have this family function at the end of the month, I REALLY want to be in the 170s for it. I weighed after my weekend of hell, and was 189. 187 this morning. Must stick to diet like glue.. ok except for a little extra chocolate.. 8 pounds in 3 weeks? hum.. I'm probably dreaming, but then again four of those pounds are greif eating, so hopefully those will disappear right quick. *crosses fingers* at least I have a goal.. and that's something. Gets me out of bed in the morning anyway..

One day I will be happy again.. I swear..

I hate blogging when I'm dealing with such emotional crud... but if I'm not blogging while I'm dealing with emotional crud, I'm not blogging.. so here I am. Sorry about this.

I have to say I'm feeling very under loved and under appreciated in my on line life. Most posts of mine on communities I have been frequenting for a while now are going ignored. I'm not looking to be the queen ruler of all, just replied to a couple of times, that's all. I need to get over that.

I went out and got my hair cut on Sunday. It is barely brushing my shoulders, and while I thought it would end up being my sister's cut, it is. I keep seeing her in my mirror, and it is freaking me out. Just kinda glad it is her and not my mom :D Everyone likes it (well those that are saying anything about it.. I suppose if they didn't like it they aren't going to say anything) I'm still getting used to it - and sadly despite my request that it fit in a pony tail, it doesn't. well it will grow out.

I'm still not losing weight. I keep pretending to be strict on myself, but so far today I've had a cup of pudding (100 calories) and two chocolates (I'm going to go with another 100 calories) I substituted a slice of bread with peanut butter for my healthy breakfast.. *sigh* I really need to consider this a victory if I don't slide too far away from my lowest weight. Which was the 183.5 (but I only ever saw that once) so I guess if I'm around 185 I'm doing so-so. Trying to keep up on my exercise too.. and surprisingly I had a very good morning with that.

Thursday is the day we are going to put down my cat. I'm going out today to get drugs to help me through it. I figure after a week or so I'll have released most of the stress of all this, and SHOULD be back on course.. *crosses fingers I don't fall too hard*