Happy Birthday to Me

Well I have decided to renounce birthdays. They never come off like I would like, so I am going to ignore them from now on. If good things happen, great.. but I'm not tellin no one about it, and I'm going to take the day off and spend it in bed..

Not that it was bad. i got flowers from work and from my sister. My DH bought me exactly what I asked for and not a single thing more. I had cake. I had pizza. I went out and had pastries, and I ate my self sick. Gained 4-5 lbs too. Don't really care. it's mostly gone now, but being 100% on the diet is HARD! *sob* *pity party* its the pastries talking, I know it.

but it is hard.. I'm getting hungry faster now. I had my 3 pm snack at 2, and now Im stuck here for the rest of the day sipping water and thinking how badly I want to raid the fridge and eat the rest of my birthday cake which I am certain is still in there.

I'm probably whining because this is one of the hottest days of the year and I'm stuck inside in the freakin air conditioning!! I want HEAT darn it. I am stuck here till 6pm when things are going to start cooling off, so I won't really get to enjoy it. I took a break and sat out in it for a while, but that's just not the same.

Not that I want to be in the sun.. just warm for a change. Seems the only time I'm really warm is when I'm in a steaming hot shower, but even that doesn't last cause I get out and then I'm all wet so I freeze!

I'm also a very bad sister.. My sister's birthday was on Saturday, and I blew it off. No call, no card, nothing. So far I haven't even sent a thank you for the flowers she sent me. I so need to do SOMETHING.. but each time I sit down to do something I get distracted with Em.

I also very much need to shave my legs.. I swear the hair on them is an inch long. Oh the joys of being the pastey white girl.. Ya can't see my leg hair unless you look REALLY close :)

I should so ditch work early, but I really can't. I have an appointment on Friday that I have to leave early for, so I don't have the hours to allow me to leave. *sigh* I suppose I could take a short week, but I hate doing that.

ok, now that I have spewed negativity all over this post, I really should focus on the good things... My car is finally running right. I found seat covers on sale that I mostly like. I'll have to put one on to be certain. I bought a steering wheel cover that's amusing too. I bought a rubber ducky that lights up in psychedelic colors.. I like him. I opened up my latest shipment of NS and got my 60lb and my "goal" bears.. they look very cute with my duckie on the TV in the living room. The carpet is going in the basement on Thursday.. the table we bought finally came in today. it was delivered to Dh's work, so hopefully it is in good condition. I'm back down to 185 this morning. if I can go 2 more hours with out going off plan, I will most likely be down to 184.5 tomorrow, (although that isn't something you can place a bet on) I'm listening to Harry Potter at work, getting caught back up for the movie and the last book. Em made it to my birthday and seems to have some life left in her - so I know I didn't keep her around for purely selfish reasons. I have a job that lets me listen to HP, and blog, and give a short work week.. even if the job isn't all that stimulating, it pays the bills.

Happiness and Joy
Brightness and Light
Sunshine and Mercy
all the days of my life...

To being 36!

let the birthday festivities begin :D

I had been lamenting lately that I never see the ice cream truck any more (like there is only one :D) last night I was down in the kitten room covered in kittens when I heard that tell tale song calling to me. I started 'tossing' kittens, and ran up the stairs, down the hall, grabbed my cash, ran out side, just in time to see the truck turn down my small little street. I commented to the nice guy behind the counter how I haven't seen one of these in years. He said he was doing a little exploring, and was surprised how many kids were on our little back road.

I bought a power puff girl pop.. and thought I might want to buy a second to keep till Friday.. (birthday)

100 calories of sugar water fun with two gumball eyes.. Yummo! I miss the blue ghosts of yesteryear, but bubbles was pretty much the same.

and I got blue lips to boot :D

dh commented that it must be part of the birthday festivities..

See.. every year, something wonderful always seems to happen right around my birthday. In my twenties, every year, I saw a unique wild animal I've never seen. well ok that year I saw a skunk with her babies wasn't 100% unique, but I never saw one with babies. Started with a moose in the middle of the road in a busy area. then there were baby bunnies, a quail, a peacock (that was just freaky because this is not an area for peacocks) and many others. I loved that.

then there was the year all I really wanted was a helium balloon. DH forgot.. and I found one on the side of the road.. said happy birthday and everything.

I spend a lot of the year blue, and suffering with unfounded sadness. I don't know if I want to give it the full power of calling it depression, but it certainly could be called that. It always is a nice pick me up when things like this happen.

like when I had to get rid of all my clothes because they were way too big on me. there were a couple of items I was so sad to let go of. there are a couple I am keeping to get altered, but a few pieces I don't think can be. One of which was a jacket I LOVED.. I was so very happy when I found it in my size, and loved that thing. I almost cried when I recently tried it on and realized I just really couldn't wear it any more with out looking silly. it is by I.E. relaxed, which used to be sold at Filenes.. which went out of business. I can't find anywhere to buy that line around here any more. then one day I walked into my local salvage store, and there sitting on the edge of the rack was my jacket!! It is a petit (and I'm most definately not at 5"8' tall) but I bought it anyway. I am THRILLED.. It is just a smidge on the small side for my BFAs, but that's ok cause I do have about 20 more pounds I want to lose.

I really should start a "miracles" or "gifts" journal. it is the little things in life that can come in and make all the difference

oh the monotony

There is yet one more reason why not getting enough sleep makes you gain weight.. you sit there feeling miserably tired, knowing that food will give you a boost - temporary as it might be, it is still a boost, and if you don't give in, you sit there with that misery and exhaustion hour after hour, minute after minute.

My "D"H always sets the TV to sleep and sets him alarm clock every night. Well last night he forgot to sleep the tv. so I woke up at 3am. and of course he lays there snoring. I move him to make him stop, but he starts up again.. I smack him, I move him, he sleeps (jerk) and snores (jerk jerk)

I am so freakin tired.. and I decided yesterday that today would be the day that I stop giving in to small temptations, I start logging my food, and get back on the NS bandwagon and get rid of 10-30 more pounds.. so I sit here, doing my best to fight the annoying monotony of the exhaustion and misery, and not eat the cookie that is in the office kitchen..

and its only 2:30, and I'm here till six..

I am so not going to make it - am I?

although I am considering taking half a vacation day and going home and sleeping.. but I doubt I will..

one year on NS

I started NS the first week in June 06. I arbotrarily picked a goal of 189 since that would be far enough from 200 to not see it if I ate a big meal.. at 5'7.5" the charts say I could get down to 140ish, but I remember the struggle to see the 150s when I was a kid, so I wasn't going to pick a goal that didn't seem reasonable.

Along the way, I have had to cope with the emotional eating that has plagued me. When I get upset, I know that I can instantly feel better by shoving something with chocolate, or cheese, in my mouth. Savouring the rich taste, the warmth, the comfort.. it was easy.

Learning to live with out that has been the hardest part of all. My toughest road bumps are coming right up (my cat is dying) and I hope I can get through that with roasted veggies and healthy foods.

Ok, running into a few odd NS meals that I couldn't stomach was pretty tough too :)

but seriously... I now reach for lean proteins, veggies, NF yogarts, and while I've always been a large water drinker, I have completely elimitated liquid calories.

I have found that sugarless gum and mints are my new best friend.

I have found that having a little loose skin is SO WORTH the size 12 jeans. I started at a size 22-24 XL- XXL shirts and am now in size 12 pants, medium tops, and size 12 jackets.. (which FLOORED ME) I bought a couple of jackets at Coldwater Creek in size L which are almost too big on me now.

My fingers went from size 8.5-9 down to a 6.5-7 I can most likely wear cute sandals now. I never could before. High healed shoes are back to being my friend from being something I was too scared would buckle. I was in denial that it was my weight that was the issue, I complained that they didn't make shoes the way they used to.

My bra went from a size 38b-C to a 34-C. I had a 34B on last night when I ran out to buy new ones - cause I have had to throw all my old ones out. I bought a size 6 pair of undies thinking there was no way they'd fit.. They were on clearance for $0.70 and figured that was worth having them hang out in the "oh gosh those were too cute and too cheap to pass up but are currently too small" drawer, but they fit!! I don't think I'm ready to say I am a size 6 in undies, but having them fit was so bizarre... as I have been a size 7 all my life. I was put into a 36B bra as a teen when I weighed maybe 160ish.. so I have lost my weight in my hands, and torso. It is last to leave in my hips.

I found a floppy bit under my arm the other day.. like something had sucked all the fat out of a quarter sized patch. oh wait.. my body did that!!! its sad to see it, but happy at the same time knowing that it was once full and now it isn't. I'm sure it will firm up, but even if it doesn't, that is ok too, because a little floppy skin is so much more healthier than the fat that was once in it.

I have been told twice now that people didn't recognize me at first. It only comes when the subject of weight loss comes up. People aren't comfortable talking about it, because they never know what prompts it. Do they have to worry about you going through something difficult? are they going to bring up bad issues? if you are proud of your weight loss, comment on it yourself!!

I still don't tell people I am on NS.. I let them tell me what I am doing. They know how to lose weight, and they usually tell me some part of what I am doing, exercise, eating less... if they press, I tell them I am doing a low GI diet, which I am. I know I should be shouting NS from the roof tops, but I hate the negativity.. so I don't.

So here I sit at 187ish..60 pounds gone.. and I can see the road is clear to get down to 150ish. I might get there, I might not. I am not going to stress over it at all. Going to eat well, exercise, and enjoy what I have accomplished.

Did I mention I have a drawer of clothes I bought that were too small but were oh too cute to pass up? how is that for optimism??

:)