One day I will be happy again.. I swear..

I hate blogging when I'm dealing with such emotional crud... but if I'm not blogging while I'm dealing with emotional crud, I'm not blogging.. so here I am. Sorry about this.

I have to say I'm feeling very under loved and under appreciated in my on line life. Most posts of mine on communities I have been frequenting for a while now are going ignored. I'm not looking to be the queen ruler of all, just replied to a couple of times, that's all. I need to get over that.

I went out and got my hair cut on Sunday. It is barely brushing my shoulders, and while I thought it would end up being my sister's cut, it is. I keep seeing her in my mirror, and it is freaking me out. Just kinda glad it is her and not my mom :D Everyone likes it (well those that are saying anything about it.. I suppose if they didn't like it they aren't going to say anything) I'm still getting used to it - and sadly despite my request that it fit in a pony tail, it doesn't. well it will grow out.

I'm still not losing weight. I keep pretending to be strict on myself, but so far today I've had a cup of pudding (100 calories) and two chocolates (I'm going to go with another 100 calories) I substituted a slice of bread with peanut butter for my healthy breakfast.. *sigh* I really need to consider this a victory if I don't slide too far away from my lowest weight. Which was the 183.5 (but I only ever saw that once) so I guess if I'm around 185 I'm doing so-so. Trying to keep up on my exercise too.. and surprisingly I had a very good morning with that.

Thursday is the day we are going to put down my cat. I'm going out today to get drugs to help me through it. I figure after a week or so I'll have released most of the stress of all this, and SHOULD be back on course.. *crosses fingers I don't fall too hard*

leave me alone - grump grump grump

I'm in a surprisingly good mood at the moment... probably because everyone is leaving me alone. the minute I have to interact with people I start getting testy and bristly.. its like there is some sort of negative energy around me, and instead of being attracted to positive energy I'm getting repelled by it.

Give me a good ol grumpy guss to sit next to - who doesn't want to talk to me and I'll be fine!

My diet sucks. I can't stop eating junk. Fortunately I am able to combat it with good choices most of the day. as long as I can get past the weekend I might be ok. but for the past couple of weekends I've been going out and eating french fries with sour cream and BBQ sauce (*drool*) Last weekend I had it with a veggie wrap (and I put the sour cream on the veggie wrap - honestly - what is with me??)

I got up to 187.. I'm down to 185..

at least the WW caramel cakes are out of my house. I had the last two as "breakfast" yesterday along with a fudgicle. (honestly - just smack me now)

I had gotten rid of all the junk in my house, and I was MISERABLE. I kept roaming the kitchen hoping to find something that I missed.. so I got the WW caramel cakes. they were too good. I need something 'good' but not too yummy to shut me off.

sigh

I guess until my kitty decides her time is up my diet is officially on hold.

doesn't mean I am going to stop trying to at least try to make reasonable choices and avoid the sugar. just means I'm accepting my short comings (impending death of a loved one qualifies for getting off the losing weight train) and moving on.

hun what??

I went into another super expensive boutique store over the weekend. I knew it was upscale, but it is probably the most upscale place around. One of those places that have 400$ sweaters. I tried on a jacket that was $300 (but it was reversible) I almost bought the jacket, but the collar was wonky, and it would have bugged me.

anyway.. they had a beautiful faux fur coat in the clearance area. an XL. now I've always had XL jackets to accommodate the sweaters and what not that I would wear.. but this thing was so huge on me I was swimming in it. I was shocked. I STILL think there is a huge conspiracy out there, and someone replaced all the XL clothing out there with XXXL clothing..

as I was leaving the shop, the sales clerks commented that I didn't find anything, and I said it wasn't for lack of trying, and explained how I tried on the coat. Well she said, "it is an XL", like don't you know that XL would be huge on you??

My weight has been stuck back up at 185ish for a while.. It is my own fault as I am self medicating with food trying to deal with the stress of Em. I thought I'd try upping up my exercise, and changed my step to the taller height. it completely freaked my body out.. as I have been using it on the lower level for years now. it threw my balance all off, and I had to keep myself from falling over after every step (which I am sure was more exercise as well) Still 185ish this morning.. no biggie.. but I am feeling better emotionally and physically - which is way more important than some number on a scale (although I wouldn't mind if that number was in the 170s)

Need to pay more attention!!

Ok, I am just so out of it lately.. it isn't even funny. My boss came up to me and asked me if I wanted to take a vacation day or a personal day for the day I took of on the 28th of June.

I had NO idea why I took the day off. Couldn't recall what I had done.. it is a complete blank!! I read things, and have no idea what I've just read. Even my typing has become attrocious because I'm apparently not paying attention to what my fingers are doing. I have to back space and correct things all the freakin time!

Im certain it is because I am stressed to the maxx with Em dying, and the kittens, and everything else going on in my life. I'm running on very little sleep. DH isn't helping things much by being crazed at work and never being home either.

*sigh*

I've also noticed my face is getting wrinkles. Once again I am shocked at how much I care. When I was fat, there were no wrinkles.. lose the weight, not as much fat to fill things out, excess skin, etc. Its not funny!! stop laughing at me :D But seriously.. I'm trying to moisturize the living daylights out of my skin to stop it.

You want to know something else I've noticed.. and please don't think less of me... but I'm aghast at how much fabric is in XL clothes. they seem so expansive to me now. Which is so bizarre, because honestly I still FEEL like I should be wearing XL clothing.. I still try it on from time to time, thinking I can wear it and get away with it.. I'm wearing a smaller XL shirt I bought several years ago, and am shocked at how boxy it is, how weird it looks on me. I can't believe I used to look at these clothes and think they were normal... How I'd never seen a difference between a L and an XL - which I can so see now..

I still feel like the same ol fat person I always was, but yet when I see overweight people I just want to walk up to them and say "you know.. NS will help you with that" I KNOW I can't. I KNOW how rude it is.. but it doesn't stop me from wanting to do it. why? I have no idea. Do I want to be helpful? do I not want to look at fat people? *shrug* no idea. Wait.. that just sounds horrible. as someone who has been fat all my life, please don't think I think less of people just because they are overweight.. I think it is fat as a whole.. I just want it gone from this world.. Which is neither reasonable, nor realistic.. but it is where my mind is right now... and if I can't be honest with myself.. on my own blog.. then I have deeper problems than looking at people and wanting to tell them to go on a diet..

I also REALLY need new clothes. half of my closet are clothes that are honestly too big for me. I feel like a fashion disaster - like Stacy and Clinton will be tapping me on the shoulder any minute. I still want to lose 20-30 lbs though.. seems stupid to buy a whole new wardrobe that will be too big on me.. I'd be S&C's worst nightmare though. I don't think I could EVER spend $200 on a pair of pants.. well maybe if I looked like a supermodel in them (which would NEVER happen) I buy quality clothes, but I buy them at discount, resale and salvage shops. I have an oscar de larenta shirt (too big for me) the shorts I'm wearing came from bloomingdales originally and were $50.. (I got them for around $10) When I had a full wardrobe, my penny pinching treasure hunt shopping sprees would work.. but now that I have almost nothing its frustrating to myself.. only finding one or two pieces at a time.. and what else is frustrating is all I can find are summer clothes (in summer - go figure hun?) light airy tops, sleeveless, silk, etc. Um.. where are the sweaters for those cool summer nights? or those trips to the movie theatre where they set the AC down to like 20?

Btw.. I wouldn't mind if Stacy and Clinton wanted to tap me on the shoulder, cause frankly I REALLY need Nick to do something with this hair!! I think I'm going to get it cut VERY short (for me anyway) I am pretty sure the style I'm going to end up with will be my sister's. It is going to freak me out to no end. I see her in my face more and more as I lose weight (and more of my mother - NOT a good thing)

speaking of my mother.. I really should read her letter and write back. Just one more thing on my list of stressers..

183.5

I don't know what it is about going out to eat and having a turkey burger on half a bun that seems to always make me go a little lower on the scale, but most of the time it does!

went out last night to see Pirates.. I can't believe it took us this long to get to it. Although considering the movie (only so-so) I guess I can believe it. It was a nice wrap up to the whole shebang, leaving just enough leeway to do a fourth.. can't complain.

I did however get fries, and ate them with BBQ sauce and sour cream and still got a nice low number on the scale this morning :)

Its odd that my weight is lowest between 8:30-9:00 am. I weigh usually before I go to bed, then when I wake up. if I wake up at 5am, it's usually the same weight I went to bed with. but if I wake up at 9:00 or weigh again later in the AM, I get the lowest number. It doesn't decrease from there though. 9:00 is as low as it is going to get, even if I don't eat breakfast. how bizarre. *shrug*

I spent most of yesterday in bed as well. I think the tetanus shot i got during my annual exam at the dr's finally kicked in, and my body started running a fever, made me a little achy, and VERY tired. Woke up in time for the movie still a little tired, but feeling better.

The rug went in the basment. small problem in that they sent two people, neither of which spoke much English. Now I am by all means very open, on the whole fully accept people who don't speak English well. however, when they are so impaired that they can't find your house because they can't follow directions, and they don't get the fact that there is supposed to be a small area NOT carpeted (even after I mention it) then I have a problem. Because of this I now have carpet glue over this segment of my floor and holes in the floor where they had ripped up the nail tack they used. arrgh. Oh well.. small inconvenience. The room looks really good. cats LOVE it. the carpet is fully of little kitty foot prints :)

we redid the upstairs area as well (since we moved the TV and chairs downstairs) and there is so much more room.. cats love that too. They went crazy over the weekend running all over the house. Change freaks them out - but it was in a good way.

Had my annual on Friday. Dr. says I'm in great health. was very impressed with my weight loss. everyone kept asking how much more I wanted to lose. Guess they wanted to make sure i had reasonable goals and wasn't going to do damage to myself to get to an unrealistic goal. I'd LOVE to see 150 again. I know my BMI says I can get to 140 or even 130, but I so don't buy it. not my body anyway..

I bought a manual ice cream maker for my friends for her birthday. it was a big hit. I ended up buying the exact same thing (although in a larger size) for my sister for her birthday. I hope they like it.

I still need to respond to my mother's letter. Maybe this weekend. Yes I am a huge chicken. I just want all this to go away..

*sigh* anything else? I am horribly unmotivated to do much of anything lately. Just want to stay home with Em, but she could hold on for weeks, and I don't have that much vacation time :) besides, i annoy her when I hover.. so my going to work is good for both of us. i feel so conflicted over the whole situation. I do not want her go to ANYWHERE, but I am looking forward to not having to test her every day, to not having to lock off my bathroom any more (her food and litter are in there) and not having litter all over my bathroom.. I know these feelings are natural, but it still bothers me when i look on the bright side of her death. I did ask (and got) a script for some chemical help in dealing with her death. I should probably get it filled soon.. I think I'll be thrilled if I can just get through it with out self medicating with food.