thursday

Well the weekend was bad, and I swore I'd work out every day this week and follow the plan. well the plan has been 98-99% depending on how you look at it.. and so far I have exercised each day - despite the aches in my joints.. I haven't yet today, but I will this evening. I'm back down to 182 on the scale that was weighing me at 181.5 so I'm not doing too bad.

I did have a very hard day today though. Woke up this morning from a dream that broke my heart. I was outside with Em, and I turned my back on her for a few minutes, and someone kitty-napped her. I was so distressed about her health, and sobbing why would someone take her from me..

pretty easy to read that dream too. My dreams are thankfully pretty uncomplicated when they are trying to tell me something. When I have nothing to say they get really obnoxious. Although the other morning I swore I had a dream I went grocery shopping. Nothing obnoxious about that except I went through the experience and didn't have the groceries..

Long weekend.. I think I might go clothes shopping.. Might stop at the burlington coat factory and see if they have a cool coat that I might want.. I'm so in need of winter clothes.. *sigh* I so much prefer shopping when I don't have an adjenda. if I have to go out and buy - say a pair of black pants - there aren't any black pants anywhere.. or if they are they are so beyond wrong for me that it isn't funny. But if I just mosey out to the store to waste time, I find piles of clothes..

*sigh*

I so want Em back..

I am thinking about adopting Tilly though. The pros and the cons are pretty much even.. she's going to be at the house for a few more weeks, so we'll see if the scales tip one way or the other. Everyone else got neutered yesterday and will probably be going up for adoption tomorrow. I think I'm going to try to run over after work today and visit with them a bit.

depression sucks

I am stuck in the middle of a muck filled mire of emotions that stink. I know that the voice in side my head telling me that life is pointless is pointless itself, and that in order to continue living, I must ignore it.. and I will.. but it is rather loud this time around.

The death of Em has hit me particularly hard. I very much want to stay in bed all day. It doesn't help that I'm very achy, and feel very feverish - even though I'm not.

Over the weekend I went to a family affair and saw my parents for the first time in almost two years.. it wasn't bad. Everyone was happy to see me. My sister made it a point to seek me out and spend time with me which was nice. I spent a lot of time with my cousin Sue (she's 10+ years older than I) who I've appreciated a lot recently because she's made it a point several times to tell me I am beautiful. As someone who didn't get that at all as a child, and very little as an adult, it is very nice to hear... especially from someone not married to me - if you know what I mean. There were some comments on my weight - but fortunately not a lot. I did go out and buy a new sun dress for the occasion and I was over dressed.. but not by much. It was obxniously hot and muggy - and toward the end of the day I started to feel quite faint. I'm not sure why. I ate - not perfectly - but well considering my diet and the food available (ok ok.. I had THREE pumpkin chocolate chip cookies which i totally LOVE) I had two bottles of water..

so part of me wonders if this ache and depression is something a little more serious... but I can't imagine what. I'm sure the stress of going to the event had a lot to do with the near faint - that and the heat - and the photos of a distant realative's cousin's friend's boy who was in a very bad accident that killed his two friends and smashed his arm to smitherienes.. I dont do well with medical things. Then my nephew tripped and cut his head and was bleeding and went off to the ER.

So unless I feel faint again soon, or something else happens, I'm going to discount that one..

I did give in over the weekend - and ate way too much. Back up to 187 on one scale, and 184.5 on the other.. i can feel it in my clothes.. I can feel it everywhere, so I'm sure it is a lot of water as I ate quite a few salt filled choices.. I did my full exercise this AM.. and plan on doing that every day this week to make up for it - as I REALLY want to go clothes shopping this weekend..

so despite that voice in my head.. despite the attractiveness of the cliff.. I shall do what needs to be done and move forward..

(but honestly, what I want is my bed - and a plate full of danish and ice cream)

more weird dreams

I haven't been able to fall asleep lately. I lay in bed thinking of Em, and sleep just waits its turn...

then when it comes, it has been bringing the weird.. the other night I dreamed I was in a scooby doo movie/show.. and I was shaggy. It started out that I was in the mystery machine and scooby was driving. I saw velma on the side of the road talking to someone (a police officer??) and I had scooby slow down so I could jump out, then he went to go park. (told you - weird) turns out daphne and fred were missing. velma walked away, and the next time I saw her she was some mysterious figure opening a door to a basement. there was a "A-HA!" moment, the light came on, and there was velma in a daphne get up.. not sure what she was trying to do, as I woke up.

Last night it started out about lobstering. Guess i fell asleep to the news, where they were talking about problems the lobster men are having. I was talking to someone about the problem, and they brought me to the end of a pier, and said yes, if you try to lobster in DEEP water, its a problem - and pointed to the deep water off the pier - then this person dragged me off the pier, and down the beach, and said they needed to lobster in the shallow water where it was easy - and I looked in the water that wasn't much more than ankle deep and saw all kinds of fish, small fish and larger ones in schools. we walked down the beach, and I wondered why more people didn't take the easy way. I turned around and my parents were there - looking disappointed.. doing things the easy way was never high on their priorities.. then someone recognized me and cried out that I was going to be late for the ceremony, and how I was the guest of honor.. I was spirited away to a military type bunker/school/academy, where I ran through the halls to an upstairs room.. people wanted to stop me and talk to me about my achievements, but I was late and kept going..

which is when I woke up..

Kinda easy to read that one. As I am going to see my parents for the first time in almost two years this weekend.. I am not looking forward to going, the attention over my weight loss, the family function, etc.. but I feel I must..

disturbing dreams

well last night wasn't pretty. I went to bed very early since I didn't get much sleep for Monday. sometime in the middle of the night I started dreaming that I was standing outside of a place I worked (I had worked there 10 years ago) I saw my mom, dad and sister get into my parent's car. They were shouting distance away, but I didn't yell out to them. I thought what was the point. They started to drive off, and I walked up the parking lot, to where I don't know. The lot then turned into a scarey movie type forest. I had a stake in my hand, and then a big creapy scarey monster type vampire type thing started toward me. I said I wasn't scared, and it just laughed at me saying killing wasn't as easy as it appeared. I took the stake and shoved it into the chest, and then pulled it out and put it up under the chin, and started to shove it in, when I woke up to the most violent shivers. According to my DH I was quite clammy. The room wasn't particularly cold, having shut the air conditioning off several hours before, and I was covered with a sheet.. but I couldn't stop shivering. It was horrible.. some of the most violet shivers I've ever had, and I'm prone to being cold and shivering. They finally started to subside, but I ended up having to go to the bathroom, which started them up all over again.

Some how I got back to sleep, and while I don't remember the dreams I had any more, I know they were pretty disturbing, boarding on violent..

all I want out of life right now is Em. and since that isn't going to happen, I'd accept the acceptance of Em not being here.. I keep trying.. keep facing it, keep denying it, keep keeping myself busy so I don't think about it, and I still end up in tears.

yes.. all this for "just a cat" and honestly, Em was sorta in that relm. She wasn't spectacular.. couldn't open doors or do any tricks really. She peed on the floor. Had diabeties so she was a lot of work.. but she was MINE.. and I loved her.. and she loved me.. *sigh* and now her body is gone. I just hope her spirit is still near by, and I'll get more visits..

184 on the scale this morning.. not too shabby. week and a half till the family function, you think I can lose 4.5 lbs by then? probably not.. Guess I'll just lie and say 179 :D

fake it till you make it

I must give kudos to my DH. He is somehow keeping it together through my mess. as previously stated, he is not an emotional guy. Not that he just doesn't show it, I swear he just doesn't have as many neruons devoted to emotions that most people do. and that is a good thing when it comes to me... cause I think I have his extras.

I am in the throws of a depression I can't seem to escape from. I don't want to do ANYTHING. I don't want to sit around and mourn Em, but I don't want to go out and do anything either. last night apparently I didn't even want to go to sleep - as I was up till about 2am. so today is not one of my better days.

this is kinda hard to admit, but my DH is taking care of me above and beyond. I barely want to eat, and when I have food put in front of me, I certainly don't want to work to eat it - so nothing that needs a knife.. and if it did at one point he is kind enough to cut it up for me.

I am trying to talk myself into going out and doing fun things even if they are wrong for my diet - say going to get ice cream.. but the party pooper in me says what's the point, it will just ruin your diet. I've tried shopping for clothes when I'm like this, and nothing fits or looks right - and don't get me started on dressing room lighting.. so I've been avoiding that as well.

and I have no idea why I am at work. No wait.. I know. I need a job cause I need the money... But I do NOT want to be here. I just want to crawl into bed and never leave.

I don't get how some people don't leave. I hear of people who are so depressed they can't get out of bed. I just can't fathom that.. cause no matter how much I don't want to get up, or how I just can't see the point, I know of duty and I get up anyway.. I have to, so I do. and I fake it till it gets better..

cause it always does.

and don't think I don't want to adopt several of my foster kittens to help ease the pain.. but I KNOW that it would not be a good idea on a lot of leves. a really good idea on a couple of levels.. Twee really REALLY wants a kitten.. and she is still greiving hard over Em.. I think she either doesn't understand, or she doesn't forgive me. but at least she's starting to talk more.. maybe I should contact an animal communicator again and just check in with them. I've seen a change in my kitties since my last session.. for the better.

185.5

so I'm doing something right. Although the chocolate marshmellows (oh those are evil) aren't helping..

I couldn't face exercising this morning either. I'm going to do it tonight when I get home.. although as hot and as humid as it is - oh shut up me.. I have central air conditioning, I can't bitch about the heat..

I'm still having a very hard time facing each day. Tomorrow will be a week. It is still so hard realizing she's gone. I think she's just off somewhere..

Tweedle still hangs out on the table with her ashes..

I just hope that when it is time for the others to go, they go quick, and don't linger like Em did.. not that I am not so very happy we had so much time together, but I'm so lost - unlike either of the other times I have had cats put down..

Five days later

I'm still wearing black. I figure I'll go a week and see what happens.

I still can't get through the day with out breaking down and crying. at least it isn't the big fat ugly cry that hurts any more, but it is still quite messy. I miss her so much. So does Tweedle. The only time I've heard her talk since we put Em down was the moment before I saw Em. I was waking up, and heard her cry out, so I rolled over and called out to her eyes closed, and I clearly saw Em sitting on the end of the bed. I was filled with such peace. Unfortunately that peace only lasted one day. I so wish I could see her again..

since I am a mess, I figured I'd finally reply to my mother. Its been what.. since May. I know I know.. but there was only so much I could deal with while Em was alive. My mother is one of those people who lives her life with blinders on. if what she thinks she is supposed to see isn't exactly what she sees, then it isn't happening. I got an invitation to a family function at the end of the month, so it was about time, and I left it that we would most likely meet at this function, and go from there.

I know the mother daughter relationship is supposed to be this big influential part of a woman's life, and that I should try to fix this. but I can't see ANY benifit out of it the way it is/was. I get nothing out of it but greif and self doubt. I so do not need that. I just don't know. I do miss my dad... but I am in such a better place emotionally since I stopped seeing her.. I really don't want to ruin that. Yea yea yea.. no one can make me feel belittled but me... but that is way easier said than done. to me it feels like I'm stuck in the mire she shovels at my feet, and after years of it, I'm up to my neck and then some.

anyway. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown I think. Wanting things that can not be.

And to top it off, since I have this family function at the end of the month, I REALLY want to be in the 170s for it. I weighed after my weekend of hell, and was 189. 187 this morning. Must stick to diet like glue.. ok except for a little extra chocolate.. 8 pounds in 3 weeks? hum.. I'm probably dreaming, but then again four of those pounds are greif eating, so hopefully those will disappear right quick. *crosses fingers* at least I have a goal.. and that's something. Gets me out of bed in the morning anyway..