Sigh.
50lbs of insulation off me, no wonder Im cold all the freakin time. Im currently wearing thermal pants (something I've always hated doing) and slippers! (fortunately my office is very laid back)
Im also very tired lately. still not sleeping very well. I had a dream the other night I was showing my parents my sleep number bed. Well i was showing my dad. I know my mom was there, but I didn't talk to her. Even in my dreams I don't want anything to do with her.
Sigh.
Im in the process of finding a therapist to talk to about this. Hopefully I can get this settled down soon. Yesterday was hard.
Im also finding that with the elimiation of emotional eating, I want retail therapy. This is so hard on someone who is so tight with a penny that she can often get five cents out of it. I find myself wanting to go shopping all the time. Fortunately I KNOW I don't need anything, and for the most part don't really want anything.. but that doesn't stop me from wanting to go out and look. Sometimes the pull is so hard. Fortunately I need salad mix every couple of days, so I go to my local wally-world - which I HATE!! - and look around, and that usually curbs it for a few days. But now that my pants are getting big again, I want new pants. Which is stupid, cause it means I'll be buying pants every two weeks.. *sigh*
Maybe my newly found therapist can help me channel this into something more productive..
1.31.2007
1.30.2007
Happy Birthday Dad
Its been more than a year since I've spent any time with you. It isn't because i don't care, it is because I don't know how. your wife - my mother - is someone I can not have in my life right now. she angers me, frustrates me, and shows me each and every time I see her that I have absolutely no value. I can't allow that in my life any more. I have value.
I know you don't see that. Im pretty darn sure she doesn't see it... either that or she refuses to see it - cause I've tried to explain it to her, and its like trying to explain physics to my cat.
I miss you.
I love you.
Happy Birthday Dad.
I know you don't see that. Im pretty darn sure she doesn't see it... either that or she refuses to see it - cause I've tried to explain it to her, and its like trying to explain physics to my cat.
I miss you.
I love you.
Happy Birthday Dad.
1.29.2007
ok then
Well I haven't had much to blog about recently. The car is old and abused, but looks great on the outside. I can do things about the obvious abuse - car seats, steering wheel cover. I hope it is all just cosmetic things. Has 140k miles on it.. but its a volvo, and I don't plan on driving it much of anywhere, so im generally ok with that. It is currently out being detailed, then hopefully we'll get a mechanic to give it the once over and I'll transfer registration.
weight loss. I've lost a few more pounds - depending on which day I listen to the scale :) I tend to pay attention when I get a lower number, and ignore it when it isn't lower than that. I saw 196 the other day, but I don't think that was real. I don't care. I got on the scale twice and saw it twice, so I recorded it. making it 50lbs down from when I started NS. Probably 74lbs lower from my all time high, but my scale at the time wasn't accurate, so I'll never really know. I don't really care.
I am getting sick and tired of 'being on a diet' but then I remind myself that this isn't really a diet, that this is the way I should be eating in general. Im ok with that. I don't really want a donut, but I want the donut from my past. they were so much tastier and satisfying when I was younger.. but like everything else, they all changed to be cheaper, faster, and last longer (million dollar donut??) and it changed the taste. I have to remind myself each time a craving pops up that no matter what I do, no donut will taste as I want it to. Im comming to that conclusion about cookies too. It is so sad. At least I know there are still some drop dead drool worth breads out there. Usually with cheese :)
That was one of my major weaknesses pre NS. I would want a donut.. and since there were only mutant donuts, I'd have three or four to try to satisfy that need. If there were good ones out there, I know that one, or even half a one would work. *sigh* no donuts for me. It just isnt worth it. Sometimes I have a bite of one to remind myself they are all mutants..
Guess it doesn't help that I look at images of food all day. Im doing baked goods at the moment. Helps to remind myself that all that food has rotted away and is nothing at this point.. but occasionally i run into images that make me crave something. what's worse, is a lot of the images come from Europe, so I know they are most likely high quality and quite savory.
must.. not.. give.. in to.. cravings.. Must.. be.. happy.. with.. salad..
weight loss. I've lost a few more pounds - depending on which day I listen to the scale :) I tend to pay attention when I get a lower number, and ignore it when it isn't lower than that. I saw 196 the other day, but I don't think that was real. I don't care. I got on the scale twice and saw it twice, so I recorded it. making it 50lbs down from when I started NS. Probably 74lbs lower from my all time high, but my scale at the time wasn't accurate, so I'll never really know. I don't really care.
I am getting sick and tired of 'being on a diet' but then I remind myself that this isn't really a diet, that this is the way I should be eating in general. Im ok with that. I don't really want a donut, but I want the donut from my past. they were so much tastier and satisfying when I was younger.. but like everything else, they all changed to be cheaper, faster, and last longer (million dollar donut??) and it changed the taste. I have to remind myself each time a craving pops up that no matter what I do, no donut will taste as I want it to. Im comming to that conclusion about cookies too. It is so sad. At least I know there are still some drop dead drool worth breads out there. Usually with cheese :)
That was one of my major weaknesses pre NS. I would want a donut.. and since there were only mutant donuts, I'd have three or four to try to satisfy that need. If there were good ones out there, I know that one, or even half a one would work. *sigh* no donuts for me. It just isnt worth it. Sometimes I have a bite of one to remind myself they are all mutants..
Guess it doesn't help that I look at images of food all day. Im doing baked goods at the moment. Helps to remind myself that all that food has rotted away and is nothing at this point.. but occasionally i run into images that make me crave something. what's worse, is a lot of the images come from Europe, so I know they are most likely high quality and quite savory.
must.. not.. give.. in to.. cravings.. Must.. be.. happy.. with.. salad..
1.22.2007
violence
This isn't good.
Saturday night, my DH and I crawled into bed to watch a movie. I was online right before going through my email, so he set things up. He turned on the heating blanket to warm up the bed for me. Sweet right?
well I didn't notice it was on. Either it wasn't working very well or I was warm enough to begin with. So we watched the movie and then fell asleep.
DH KNOWS I am scared of the electric blanket - of something going wrong when I am asleep; and he also knows that if it is on at night (we left it on recently) that I get suffocated in cats. and he KNOWS I haven't been sleeping well and I get grumpy when Im tired... so I wake up in the middle of the night suffocating from the heat and from the 60lbs of cats on me. I am so mad. I just want to smack him, and hurt him.
It isn't really his fault.. ok it is, but it isn't. He has such a short attention span that Im sure he forgot he turned it on in the first place.
I haven't felt this kind of anger for over 10 years (but not less than 15, cause I remember being newly married and wanting to smack the tar out of him)
what the heck is going on? Could there possibly be memories or emotions stored in fat? sorta kinda makes an odd amount of sence since I ate when I was angry / depressed / sad.. so those chemicals were coursing through my body as I was filling it up with too many calories thus creating fat..
I can only hope this ends soon. Of course this means that soon Im going to go through puberty again (as shortly I'll be a weight I haven't been since I was a teenager)
oh great.. Just what I need.
At least I was adult enough to recognize that DH absolutely did not deserve the emotional reaction. I was able to tell him I wasn't being rational and had him keep out of my way.
Last night I took some sleepy asprin, and while I woke up several times, I was able to roll back over and get to sleep.. that is until 4am when Em hurled all over my favorite shoes.. *sigh* then I had a dream that I was being berated at work for something that while it was slightly in my control, really wasn't my fault. and I also had a dream about a huge eletrical storm while I was looking at a house for sale. Can we say emotional rollercoaster? I knew we could..
grrrr
Saturday night, my DH and I crawled into bed to watch a movie. I was online right before going through my email, so he set things up. He turned on the heating blanket to warm up the bed for me. Sweet right?
well I didn't notice it was on. Either it wasn't working very well or I was warm enough to begin with. So we watched the movie and then fell asleep.
DH KNOWS I am scared of the electric blanket - of something going wrong when I am asleep; and he also knows that if it is on at night (we left it on recently) that I get suffocated in cats. and he KNOWS I haven't been sleeping well and I get grumpy when Im tired... so I wake up in the middle of the night suffocating from the heat and from the 60lbs of cats on me. I am so mad. I just want to smack him, and hurt him.
It isn't really his fault.. ok it is, but it isn't. He has such a short attention span that Im sure he forgot he turned it on in the first place.
I haven't felt this kind of anger for over 10 years (but not less than 15, cause I remember being newly married and wanting to smack the tar out of him)
what the heck is going on? Could there possibly be memories or emotions stored in fat? sorta kinda makes an odd amount of sence since I ate when I was angry / depressed / sad.. so those chemicals were coursing through my body as I was filling it up with too many calories thus creating fat..
I can only hope this ends soon. Of course this means that soon Im going to go through puberty again (as shortly I'll be a weight I haven't been since I was a teenager)
oh great.. Just what I need.
At least I was adult enough to recognize that DH absolutely did not deserve the emotional reaction. I was able to tell him I wasn't being rational and had him keep out of my way.
Last night I took some sleepy asprin, and while I woke up several times, I was able to roll back over and get to sleep.. that is until 4am when Em hurled all over my favorite shoes.. *sigh* then I had a dream that I was being berated at work for something that while it was slightly in my control, really wasn't my fault. and I also had a dream about a huge eletrical storm while I was looking at a house for sale. Can we say emotional rollercoaster? I knew we could..
grrrr
1.18.2007
I hate people & new car
since the trend for me has been to talk about weight loss first, let me start there.
Im going to be petty. I know Im being petty.. but sometimes you just have to vent and let these feelings go before they eat you up, and cause you to eat up.. so here I go.
I hate people. I hate people who lose weight faster than I do. I don't mind when they start at a much higher weight than I did, but when they start off around the same time or later, and weighed less than I did, and have lost more weight than I have, I just want to scream!
I haven't been perfect in my efforts, but I haven't been shameful either. so why are others so much futher ahead of me?? I've been exercising, I've been drinking my water, I've been staying in a reasonable calorie range for weight loss. (even when I go off plan, it isn't outside of the 'still should be loosing weight range')
I can only hope it is because my fat cells are 16 years old or more, and theirs are still babies..
I just need to remember that it doesn't matter what other people do, or can do, or have done, what matters is that I am on the right track and I WILL be smaller.
Its just so hard some days.
I was surfing online yesterday at work and I came across a car that fit into the criteria of what I wanted. it had just about everything. Unfortunately it was at an auction site two hours away, and I could only go look at it for another hour and a half. :( So.. I bought it anyway. Need to go down and get it in the next couple of days.. I'll talk more about the actual car then.
I bought it at auction. The auction place allows online bidding, and I put in a proxy bid of 6250$ Which means someone was there bidding on my behalf up to that amount. Well that was what the car sold for... so it was mine. watching the auction was a lot of fun. I think I'll be buying all my cars this way from now on!! (but I'll be a bit more proactive to find them more than two hours before the auction) The site they run their auctions through runs auctions for several other sites too, one of which sells jewelery.. so I might check that out today. :)
Im going to be petty. I know Im being petty.. but sometimes you just have to vent and let these feelings go before they eat you up, and cause you to eat up.. so here I go.
I hate people. I hate people who lose weight faster than I do. I don't mind when they start at a much higher weight than I did, but when they start off around the same time or later, and weighed less than I did, and have lost more weight than I have, I just want to scream!
I haven't been perfect in my efforts, but I haven't been shameful either. so why are others so much futher ahead of me?? I've been exercising, I've been drinking my water, I've been staying in a reasonable calorie range for weight loss. (even when I go off plan, it isn't outside of the 'still should be loosing weight range')
I can only hope it is because my fat cells are 16 years old or more, and theirs are still babies..
I just need to remember that it doesn't matter what other people do, or can do, or have done, what matters is that I am on the right track and I WILL be smaller.
Its just so hard some days.
I was surfing online yesterday at work and I came across a car that fit into the criteria of what I wanted. it had just about everything. Unfortunately it was at an auction site two hours away, and I could only go look at it for another hour and a half. :( So.. I bought it anyway. Need to go down and get it in the next couple of days.. I'll talk more about the actual car then.
I bought it at auction. The auction place allows online bidding, and I put in a proxy bid of 6250$ Which means someone was there bidding on my behalf up to that amount. Well that was what the car sold for... so it was mine. watching the auction was a lot of fun. I think I'll be buying all my cars this way from now on!! (but I'll be a bit more proactive to find them more than two hours before the auction) The site they run their auctions through runs auctions for several other sites too, one of which sells jewelery.. so I might check that out today. :)
1.16.2007
I choose
Every day I choose to follow NS. I choose not to eat foods that will be a drain on my system. Like a car engine, pouring sugar and refine carbs in my 'gas tank' will only bog me down. Veggies, lean proteins, fruits, these are the choices I make to make my engine run correctly and to help my health improve.
I choose to wake up an hour early and exercise. I hate it. i dread it, but I choose to get it out of the way first thing in the morning, because my body responds better and makes me feel more energized all day. It also gets my metabolism going, and my whole body functions better.
I choose to mentally stab sharp objects into my co-worker who sits next to me and eats pizza and Italian food every friggen day. I choose not to give in to the smells and get my own. I also choose not to bring money with me to work so if I forget my choice, I can't anyway.
I choose to follow the NS plan because it works. It might not show me it works every day, but since June, I have lost almost 50lbs. I choose to remember that no matter how long my weight stalls, I will continue to lose (<- hey, I remembered) weight. I choose not to throw it all in and give in to the marketing who only want to separate me from my money, and cause me to gain weight, so my body continues to crave their foods, that does not do a body good.
I choose to remember my NSVs (non scale victories) for those times the scale doesn't move.
I choose to remember how far I have come instead of how far I have to go.
I choose to take one day at a time, and if that doesn't work, one hour at a time.
I choose.
There are times I choose to eat the foods that aren't on plan. I make it a choice. I plan for it; usually for 24 or more hours after the choice, and remind myself this is an occasional thing. This helps me to remember that I can choose to eat these foods, so on days when I want to choose otherwise, I know I can have them if I want. They are not forbidden. They are not good for me, but I can have them if I really really want. Most time the plans fall through because I realize that the reward of having the off plan food is not worth what it does to me. Giving myself the time to savor the thought of the food is often more than enough, and when it isn't, I choose to enjoy the 'off plan' food, and then I choose to get right back on plan - because it is so good for me.
I choose.
What do you choose?
I choose to wake up an hour early and exercise. I hate it. i dread it, but I choose to get it out of the way first thing in the morning, because my body responds better and makes me feel more energized all day. It also gets my metabolism going, and my whole body functions better.
I choose to mentally stab sharp objects into my co-worker who sits next to me and eats pizza and Italian food every friggen day. I choose not to give in to the smells and get my own. I also choose not to bring money with me to work so if I forget my choice, I can't anyway.
I choose to follow the NS plan because it works. It might not show me it works every day, but since June, I have lost almost 50lbs. I choose to remember that no matter how long my weight stalls, I will continue to lose (<- hey, I remembered) weight. I choose not to throw it all in and give in to the marketing who only want to separate me from my money, and cause me to gain weight, so my body continues to crave their foods, that does not do a body good.
I choose to remember my NSVs (non scale victories) for those times the scale doesn't move.
I choose to remember how far I have come instead of how far I have to go.
I choose to take one day at a time, and if that doesn't work, one hour at a time.
I choose.
There are times I choose to eat the foods that aren't on plan. I make it a choice. I plan for it; usually for 24 or more hours after the choice, and remind myself this is an occasional thing. This helps me to remember that I can choose to eat these foods, so on days when I want to choose otherwise, I know I can have them if I want. They are not forbidden. They are not good for me, but I can have them if I really really want. Most time the plans fall through because I realize that the reward of having the off plan food is not worth what it does to me. Giving myself the time to savor the thought of the food is often more than enough, and when it isn't, I choose to enjoy the 'off plan' food, and then I choose to get right back on plan - because it is so good for me.
I choose.
What do you choose?
1.08.2007
freakingly evil scale pratical jokes and updates
no.. seriously.. Remember the water post? How drinking 8 oz of water makes the scale go up two pounds? (and that was after I weighed HOLDING the water)
well again (this has happened previously) I got up went pee, weighed, was given 199.5, went back to bed, got up half an hour later, pee'd again, weighed again hoping for a slightly lower number and found I had gained a pound!
jerk! :D
topic change
well.. I decided against the cars on line. I registered my car :( I hate my car, but I want to LOVE my new car, so I'll wait till I find just the right one. Maybe once I get my tax returns, I'll feel comfortable buying a 15k car.. we'll see.
As posted on my kitty blog, I'm having some issues today. For some reason Im really feeling the loss of Kodi, a kitten I adopted that ended up with FIP and had to be PTS when he was six months old. I have been feeling the urge to adopt another kitty lately, and I think it is his presence I miss terribly.
*sigh*
well again (this has happened previously) I got up went pee, weighed, was given 199.5, went back to bed, got up half an hour later, pee'd again, weighed again hoping for a slightly lower number and found I had gained a pound!
jerk! :D
topic change
well.. I decided against the cars on line. I registered my car :( I hate my car, but I want to LOVE my new car, so I'll wait till I find just the right one. Maybe once I get my tax returns, I'll feel comfortable buying a 15k car.. we'll see.
As posted on my kitty blog, I'm having some issues today. For some reason Im really feeling the loss of Kodi, a kitten I adopted that ended up with FIP and had to be PTS when he was six months old. I have been feeling the urge to adopt another kitty lately, and I think it is his presence I miss terribly.
*sigh*
1.04.2007
some how I did it.
Yesterday the scale gave me a number I have not seen in forever.. 199.5 I was flabbergasted, since the day before I was still at 202. Unfortunately last night was not kind to me, and I was awake half the night.. so this morning read 201. I'm not worried. I know exactly why it went up (see.. weighing every day will do that for you) and that it will go down once I 'catch up' on my sleep. no biggie at all.
Although officially I wouldn't call myself in "Onderland" (aka anything under 200.0 lbs) since the second I had a glass of water, I gained two pounds (how on EARTH does a 8oz glass of water put on two pounds? I'd love to know. the other week I stood on my scale with a glass of water, stepped off, drank the water, and was 2lbs heavier which took all of 30 seconds!!) I'll make my official celebration in a few weeks when I can get on the scale after my morning glass of water and still be in onederland.
I have never been one to obsess about my weight, and Im so glad that NS makes it so easy to loose weight with out all the calculations and weighing and what not. i grab an entree, a few simple additions that take almost no thought, and off I go. the only thing I really need to think about is if I get enough sodium.. easy enough to tell, as I get light headed when i don't, so I then incorporate a few turkey pepperoni in as my proteins instead of lower sodium options, and Im all good.
I don't know if I'll ever break the habit of getting on the scale daily (semi-daily some days) and I think Im ok with that. I no longer fret over what it tells me. it only fluxuates by a few pounds, and I know what to do once I over eat. I've always said that once I get down to a 'fighting' weight, I'll know how to keep it off (I guess this will be a test once I get there hun?) I think daily weigh ins will be key for me. Since I don't obsess about water weight fluxuations, and I'll know immediately if I need to worry about any gains more than that.
subject change
i think I posted a while ago how I was looking for a Toyota Solara convertible.. well I am so not willing to pay 20k for a used car, and I certainly am not willing to pay 30k for a new one.. so I started looking around, and stumbled upon the volvo C70. they come with standard options that I LOVE (heated seats) and the top is encased in the car when down so I don't have to worry about a boot to cover it when it is down. Something I have never done, cause I was always afraid that it would rain, and I'd have to take the boot off before putting the top up (there could be a clear blue sky and I'd worry)... that and I always put the top up when I park and leave the car.. well you get the point. I really don't want to spend more than 10k on a car.. so this means Im looking at the 99 / 00 versions of the car. I don't mind one little bit. they are SNAZZY! there are some 01-02s that make my heart flutter.. I saw a blue on blue that I almost drooled over.. but they are going for 15k. I don't know if I should wait and get a car that makes me drool, or buy one I really like that I can get now..
Let me just add that my car is (looks around for the cops) unregistered.. (shhhh) I don't want to pay to register it then pay to transfer the registration in a few days.. so.. am I going to buy the car I like now, or am I going to wait, and register my car, pay to have it transfered, and pay more for the snazzy car.. oh the decisions. I want to pay for the car outright (which I can almost do for a 15k car with out selling my current car) and then sell mine, cause I can get 1k more if I sell it myself.. or 5k more if I sell it to the dealer who only offered me 4k for my car, which they had the exact same model on their showroom for 12k and mine has a remote starter!! (theives!)
there is a gold one on Ebay ending to night. currently selling for 8.8k there is a snazzy blue one for 15k that doesn't end for several days..
I just know Im so going to be pulled over, and my 'plausable excuse' is so not going to work! (i registered it late last year.. so I registered and inspected in Jan, so I could claim I thought it was good through Jan, and hope they let me off with a warning and time to register it)
Although officially I wouldn't call myself in "Onderland" (aka anything under 200.0 lbs) since the second I had a glass of water, I gained two pounds (how on EARTH does a 8oz glass of water put on two pounds? I'd love to know. the other week I stood on my scale with a glass of water, stepped off, drank the water, and was 2lbs heavier which took all of 30 seconds!!) I'll make my official celebration in a few weeks when I can get on the scale after my morning glass of water and still be in onederland.
I have never been one to obsess about my weight, and Im so glad that NS makes it so easy to loose weight with out all the calculations and weighing and what not. i grab an entree, a few simple additions that take almost no thought, and off I go. the only thing I really need to think about is if I get enough sodium.. easy enough to tell, as I get light headed when i don't, so I then incorporate a few turkey pepperoni in as my proteins instead of lower sodium options, and Im all good.
I don't know if I'll ever break the habit of getting on the scale daily (semi-daily some days) and I think Im ok with that. I no longer fret over what it tells me. it only fluxuates by a few pounds, and I know what to do once I over eat. I've always said that once I get down to a 'fighting' weight, I'll know how to keep it off (I guess this will be a test once I get there hun?) I think daily weigh ins will be key for me. Since I don't obsess about water weight fluxuations, and I'll know immediately if I need to worry about any gains more than that.
subject change
i think I posted a while ago how I was looking for a Toyota Solara convertible.. well I am so not willing to pay 20k for a used car, and I certainly am not willing to pay 30k for a new one.. so I started looking around, and stumbled upon the volvo C70. they come with standard options that I LOVE (heated seats) and the top is encased in the car when down so I don't have to worry about a boot to cover it when it is down. Something I have never done, cause I was always afraid that it would rain, and I'd have to take the boot off before putting the top up (there could be a clear blue sky and I'd worry)... that and I always put the top up when I park and leave the car.. well you get the point. I really don't want to spend more than 10k on a car.. so this means Im looking at the 99 / 00 versions of the car. I don't mind one little bit. they are SNAZZY! there are some 01-02s that make my heart flutter.. I saw a blue on blue that I almost drooled over.. but they are going for 15k. I don't know if I should wait and get a car that makes me drool, or buy one I really like that I can get now..
Let me just add that my car is (looks around for the cops) unregistered.. (shhhh) I don't want to pay to register it then pay to transfer the registration in a few days.. so.. am I going to buy the car I like now, or am I going to wait, and register my car, pay to have it transfered, and pay more for the snazzy car.. oh the decisions. I want to pay for the car outright (which I can almost do for a 15k car with out selling my current car) and then sell mine, cause I can get 1k more if I sell it myself.. or 5k more if I sell it to the dealer who only offered me 4k for my car, which they had the exact same model on their showroom for 12k and mine has a remote starter!! (theives!)
there is a gold one on Ebay ending to night. currently selling for 8.8k there is a snazzy blue one for 15k that doesn't end for several days..
I just know Im so going to be pulled over, and my 'plausable excuse' is so not going to work! (i registered it late last year.. so I registered and inspected in Jan, so I could claim I thought it was good through Jan, and hope they let me off with a warning and time to register it)
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