Well.. I went to MSNBC to waste some time at work.. and ran across a story about how some insurance companies are thinking (or are doing) of giving discounts if your BMI is in the 'normal' range. Well I couldn't remember what my BMI was, so ran off to a BMI calculator (can I say BMI one more time?)
well as of this morning.. My BMI was in the overweight range. I am no longer "obese"! (although since I now have food on board, I probably am, but according to my AM weight reading I am not!!!)
Happy Dance!
2.28.2007
ok then
Well I read through most of my blog .. man Im borring.. lol. I could see the dark dark days that I suffered through, and realized Im so glad Im no where near as bad as I used to be depression wise. I have my days where I feel insecure, but considering what I read, and my memories of the time.. I need to be thrilled! I need to thank the HTP-5 as well.
I find it amusing that I stopped blogging while I started NS. Im one to vent my feelings, so I am surprised that I wasn't blogging at the time.
I also found it amusing that my thoughts and opinions about certain times haven't changed one iota. I read my rants about the psycho vet I used to work for, and they are the same feelings I feel now.. only probably a little more raw at the time.
I gave shout outs to my friends who never read this blog on their birthdays - and never did to my husband. Well since today is his birthday.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
I think Im about ready to share this blog too. I still don't think Im ready for comments, cause while I might be highly opinionated about things, and I fully support other's rights to not feel the same way, I know that others don't feel the same way about supporting MY rights to feel differently than I do. This is my blog. Don't like what you are reading, go somewhere else. Don't trample all over my feelings. maybe I'll just post it on the NS website, and see what happens.. (although what is going to happen, since I don't have comments, and I don't have stats.. so I'll have no idea if anyone is bothering to stop by and read this.. )
I think I need to bring back the gradituted part of this journal as well. Posting 3 things I am happy about or that bring joy to my life.. to keep me focused on the positive... so with that said..
I find it amusing that I stopped blogging while I started NS. Im one to vent my feelings, so I am surprised that I wasn't blogging at the time.
I also found it amusing that my thoughts and opinions about certain times haven't changed one iota. I read my rants about the psycho vet I used to work for, and they are the same feelings I feel now.. only probably a little more raw at the time.
I gave shout outs to my friends who never read this blog on their birthdays - and never did to my husband. Well since today is his birthday.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
I think Im about ready to share this blog too. I still don't think Im ready for comments, cause while I might be highly opinionated about things, and I fully support other's rights to not feel the same way, I know that others don't feel the same way about supporting MY rights to feel differently than I do. This is my blog. Don't like what you are reading, go somewhere else. Don't trample all over my feelings. maybe I'll just post it on the NS website, and see what happens.. (although what is going to happen, since I don't have comments, and I don't have stats.. so I'll have no idea if anyone is bothering to stop by and read this.. )
I think I need to bring back the gradituted part of this journal as well. Posting 3 things I am happy about or that bring joy to my life.. to keep me focused on the positive... so with that said..
- Nutrisystem. A) cause it helps me lose weight b) cause it helps stave off cravings with foods that are appropriate to eat c) cause it is all thought out for me. I add a salad, some fruit, some veggies, and some protein (a lot easier than it sounds) and Im good to go!
- Today is a nice warm spring like day. I haven't been out to see it.. but I know it is there, and that is enough
- Friends who are happy to hear from you (I just called my vet to order meds and my friend works there)
I am such a bad girl!*
Well yesterday I spent most of the day at work reading over my blog from 2002. I remembered most of it, but I talked about visiting a lawyer.. which I remember doing after I was terminated from a job and denied unemployment, but that was 04... so I can't help but wonder what that was about. Since I was looking for a job, maybe I was trying to get a job from a lawyer..
I also found a good post regarding my horoscope one day. was as important to me then as it is now..
I do want to read through the rest of it.. maybe even my old blog.. the pre-OTN.. but I probably shouldn't do it at work.
weight was VERY nice to me this morning.. sorta. I woke up at 6am and went and got on the scale before starting my day. Still mostly asleep it said 195.5. Not great, but not up the huge amounts I was kinda expecting after my going out to eat. Then I went about my morning, had my morning drink, took a shower, and then for the fun of it, I weighed again, thinking it would say 196 cause of my wet hair.. but it was DOWN! 193.5 whoo hoo!! 4.5lbs to my first goal.. then the sky is the limit! :) I said once I get down to 189 I wasn't going to fret so hard about weight. those numbers will be in a good BMI for me, and are numbers I haven't seen for way too long. Im thinking of implementing a once a month out to eat once I get there.. since we both love to eat out... and I totally miss Chinese food... and PIZZA!! *drool* I am a Papa John's Pizza fool.
My hair however is a completely different story. I have no idea what to do with it. I love not having bangs, now that they are long enough to really not be considered bangs any more.. but the ends of my hair are quite poofy, and when i tuck my hair behind my ear, my head looks a lot like a pear - a shape I do not like for my head :D I am considering just going to get it cut.. Im also considering an Adult Education class that they advertised to 'find the right hairstyle'. I should look and see when that is. if it is soon, I could probably muster through.. if not I'll probably go on Friday.
Friday i have a dentist appointment and an appointment to check out to see if my eyes can handle lasix surgery. I don't know if I can handle it, but if my eyes can't I can stop trying to talk myself into doing it. I am also going to pick up my GC for the Plastic Surgery I won.
I looked around on line.. might cost as little as 3k or as much as 5. *sigh* that is a LOT of money.. I am still hoping that my arms will just 'fix themselves'.. but I am going to talk to the docs and see what's up.
On a personal note. I got an email from the shelter, and they are actually asking me to help with the kitten shower. Im stunned. I have no idea how to respond. I am thrilled they are asking, but I've been so .... well I didn't much like how I was treated the last couple of times I tried to help out. Well I suppose Im giving fostering one more shot.. I should probably give this one more shot too..
*and to top it all off.. i had two cookies this morning.. TOTALLY off plan.. bad girl.. bad.. (but they were YUMMY!)
I also found a good post regarding my horoscope one day. was as important to me then as it is now..
Today's Cancer Horoscope June 22 - July 22Kinda interesting..
You definitely have a unique way of thinking, and it's only natural to want to share your ideas with the people around you. The problem is, what seems perfectly logical to you may be misunderstood by other people, even those who are closest to you. Don't worry about what others think of you. Use your different way of thinking to
your advantage. Put your thoughts in writing. Write poetry or song lyrics.
Start a journal -- the possibilities are endless.
I do want to read through the rest of it.. maybe even my old blog.. the pre-OTN.. but I probably shouldn't do it at work.
weight was VERY nice to me this morning.. sorta. I woke up at 6am and went and got on the scale before starting my day. Still mostly asleep it said 195.5. Not great, but not up the huge amounts I was kinda expecting after my going out to eat. Then I went about my morning, had my morning drink, took a shower, and then for the fun of it, I weighed again, thinking it would say 196 cause of my wet hair.. but it was DOWN! 193.5 whoo hoo!! 4.5lbs to my first goal.. then the sky is the limit! :) I said once I get down to 189 I wasn't going to fret so hard about weight. those numbers will be in a good BMI for me, and are numbers I haven't seen for way too long. Im thinking of implementing a once a month out to eat once I get there.. since we both love to eat out... and I totally miss Chinese food... and PIZZA!! *drool* I am a Papa John's Pizza fool.
My hair however is a completely different story. I have no idea what to do with it. I love not having bangs, now that they are long enough to really not be considered bangs any more.. but the ends of my hair are quite poofy, and when i tuck my hair behind my ear, my head looks a lot like a pear - a shape I do not like for my head :D I am considering just going to get it cut.. Im also considering an Adult Education class that they advertised to 'find the right hairstyle'. I should look and see when that is. if it is soon, I could probably muster through.. if not I'll probably go on Friday.
Friday i have a dentist appointment and an appointment to check out to see if my eyes can handle lasix surgery. I don't know if I can handle it, but if my eyes can't I can stop trying to talk myself into doing it. I am also going to pick up my GC for the Plastic Surgery I won.
I looked around on line.. might cost as little as 3k or as much as 5. *sigh* that is a LOT of money.. I am still hoping that my arms will just 'fix themselves'.. but I am going to talk to the docs and see what's up.
On a personal note. I got an email from the shelter, and they are actually asking me to help with the kitten shower. Im stunned. I have no idea how to respond. I am thrilled they are asking, but I've been so .... well I didn't much like how I was treated the last couple of times I tried to help out. Well I suppose Im giving fostering one more shot.. I should probably give this one more shot too..
*and to top it all off.. i had two cookies this morning.. TOTALLY off plan.. bad girl.. bad.. (but they were YUMMY!)
2.27.2007
avoiding blogger
Well since Google bought out blogger, they wanted everyone to conver to google sign ins. I didn't want to do that, so I had been avoiding it. well finally they said tough noonies, you MUST convert or lose your blog. so finally.. here I am.
And now I really want a new layout, and I don't like any of the blogger offerings, and frankly I can't find anything interesting out there. suppose Im not looking hard enough.
So.. weight wise.. I was down to 194. Hubby's birthday is tomorrow, but he has meetings today and tomorrow, so we went out to dinner yesterday. I was all set to order from the "light" menu, but I know they are kinda blah (as I've had them before) and something else caught my eye. So I went for it. We went to Applebys, and I had the bruchetta buger (and I am probably not spelling that right). I took away most of the bread, as it was SOAKED in oil.. and I patted the oil out of as much of the burger as I could.. and I only had a few of the fries - cause they were old. so while I wasn't good, I wasn't HORRIBLE.. I went home and worked out for an additional 40 minutes for the week and drank some more water, and this morning I was up to 195. which is a normal weight fluxuation for me.. Last time I ate what I wasn't supposed to, it was the second day that the scale went up.. which made NO sence.. but I know my scale is evil and it lies to me.. so Im just going to go with what ever it tells me and not worry about it. One day at a time, one meal at a time. This weight WILL get off me.
work is still annoying me. But, Im trying to apply the power of attraction to my life (shhh.. dont laugh) so Im trying to look at only the good aspects of it. I get to goof around on the internet if I want to, I get a decent paycheck, my boss is very good to me.. So I will let this drown out the sounds of the annoying co-worker, the tedious work, and the complete and utter lack of feeling any sort of accomplishment.
speaking of the power of attraction or The Secret... I know that they tout it as way more than it ever could possibly be.. but for right now.. the focus on on the positive aspect of life is helping me. yea yea yea.. its hokey, but that's ok.
Wanna hear something weird though? I recently was shopping for new tops, and I got sick and tired of my arms. I have always had BFAs.. (big fat arms) they have always been out of proportion to my body. Losing the weight has done nothing to improve the situation. now seeing all the excess fat and skin on them is really bothering me, so I made a comment to my DH that I was going to get them cut off once I hit goal. shortly there after, i won a $1000 GC to a plastic surgery place.
Of course looking up the actual proceedure, Im going to need to come up with a couple of thousand dollars on top of that.. but I so want "regular" arms.. even if there is a huge scar down them..
Im going to wait till I hit my ultimate goal (or some point near it) to do it, cause it gives me motivation.. and time to save up the $$
I also noticed I didnt blog about my heart issue that I had recently. My heart has always skipped a beat every once in a great while.. a little flutter that makes me notice it. Nothing huge. the Monday before valentine's day, it really started to flutter, and wouldn't stop. i was getting them every minute or so. I thought maybe it was because I consumed too much caffiene, which happens, so I didn't worry about it. Tuesday it was still happening.. I tried to ignore it. Wednesday was a huge snowstorm, so I sat at home and just tried to deal with the butterfly in my chest. Thursday i had a stop at my Dr.s office, so I asked about it. the Dr examined me, and said it was a PVC (premature ventricular contractions - makes me sound like I had a sexual disfunction.. lol) and it wasn't anything really to worry about unless it got worse. so I did some reading up on it, and realized that I might be low on potassium since I drink so much water. People on diuretics have to be careful of that. So for the fun of it, I went and got some potassium, and with in two or three days my heart was back to normal.
This is why water toxicity is toxic.. it flushes out too many minerals that are necessary for life..
Still dont have my car. *sigh* I need to get it into a shop. I need to TALK to a shop about getting it into a shop. I so need to sell my current car to pay my bill. Why on earth am I dragging my feet about this??
And now I really want a new layout, and I don't like any of the blogger offerings, and frankly I can't find anything interesting out there. suppose Im not looking hard enough.
So.. weight wise.. I was down to 194. Hubby's birthday is tomorrow, but he has meetings today and tomorrow, so we went out to dinner yesterday. I was all set to order from the "light" menu, but I know they are kinda blah (as I've had them before) and something else caught my eye. So I went for it. We went to Applebys, and I had the bruchetta buger (and I am probably not spelling that right). I took away most of the bread, as it was SOAKED in oil.. and I patted the oil out of as much of the burger as I could.. and I only had a few of the fries - cause they were old. so while I wasn't good, I wasn't HORRIBLE.. I went home and worked out for an additional 40 minutes for the week and drank some more water, and this morning I was up to 195. which is a normal weight fluxuation for me.. Last time I ate what I wasn't supposed to, it was the second day that the scale went up.. which made NO sence.. but I know my scale is evil and it lies to me.. so Im just going to go with what ever it tells me and not worry about it. One day at a time, one meal at a time. This weight WILL get off me.
work is still annoying me. But, Im trying to apply the power of attraction to my life (shhh.. dont laugh) so Im trying to look at only the good aspects of it. I get to goof around on the internet if I want to, I get a decent paycheck, my boss is very good to me.. So I will let this drown out the sounds of the annoying co-worker, the tedious work, and the complete and utter lack of feeling any sort of accomplishment.
speaking of the power of attraction or The Secret... I know that they tout it as way more than it ever could possibly be.. but for right now.. the focus on on the positive aspect of life is helping me. yea yea yea.. its hokey, but that's ok.
Wanna hear something weird though? I recently was shopping for new tops, and I got sick and tired of my arms. I have always had BFAs.. (big fat arms) they have always been out of proportion to my body. Losing the weight has done nothing to improve the situation. now seeing all the excess fat and skin on them is really bothering me, so I made a comment to my DH that I was going to get them cut off once I hit goal. shortly there after, i won a $1000 GC to a plastic surgery place.
Of course looking up the actual proceedure, Im going to need to come up with a couple of thousand dollars on top of that.. but I so want "regular" arms.. even if there is a huge scar down them..
Im going to wait till I hit my ultimate goal (or some point near it) to do it, cause it gives me motivation.. and time to save up the $$
I also noticed I didnt blog about my heart issue that I had recently. My heart has always skipped a beat every once in a great while.. a little flutter that makes me notice it. Nothing huge. the Monday before valentine's day, it really started to flutter, and wouldn't stop. i was getting them every minute or so. I thought maybe it was because I consumed too much caffiene, which happens, so I didn't worry about it. Tuesday it was still happening.. I tried to ignore it. Wednesday was a huge snowstorm, so I sat at home and just tried to deal with the butterfly in my chest. Thursday i had a stop at my Dr.s office, so I asked about it. the Dr examined me, and said it was a PVC (premature ventricular contractions - makes me sound like I had a sexual disfunction.. lol) and it wasn't anything really to worry about unless it got worse. so I did some reading up on it, and realized that I might be low on potassium since I drink so much water. People on diuretics have to be careful of that. So for the fun of it, I went and got some potassium, and with in two or three days my heart was back to normal.
This is why water toxicity is toxic.. it flushes out too many minerals that are necessary for life..
Still dont have my car. *sigh* I need to get it into a shop. I need to TALK to a shop about getting it into a shop. I so need to sell my current car to pay my bill. Why on earth am I dragging my feet about this??
2.12.2007
also
I forgot to mention the NS website is down, so I can't access the BB.. and this complete and utter lack of support makes me want to run down to the local bakery and buy a dozen cookies and EAT THEM ALL UP!!
Im not gonna. but I so wanna.
The lack of emotional eating is still fueling the emotional spending urges Im getting. Sometimes they are horrible, so I go down to the local salavage store, where they rarely have anything I like, but if they do, it is at a really good deal. Friday I went, and they had this cute black top with a manderin type collar, for $6.00! I still have to remind myself that Im not a XL any more.. and barely a L at this point. Only things with non stretchy arms I need to by a L in. Im still wearing some of my XXL sweaters, but only cause it's cold and I like layering in large clothing. They'll be gone by next winter *sigh* but by then I SHOULD be at goal, or at least a friggin lot closer to it, so I can buy L clothes and they will be huge on me :) and I can spend money on GOOD clothes, and stylin, timeless pieces..
yea.. right. Im too friggen cheap for that. :)
One more thing.. Psycho vet I used to work for put up a website a while ago. Used photos of vets and staff that had since quit. stupid idiot. Well I told the vet that quit a few weeks ago, and I was curious if anything happened, so I went to look it up.. it expired on the 5th! lol. If I didn't think he'd sue me, I'd so buy the domain so he couldn't have it back! of course he has 30 days to realize it is down.
Psycho vet is an idiot!
Im not gonna. but I so wanna.
The lack of emotional eating is still fueling the emotional spending urges Im getting. Sometimes they are horrible, so I go down to the local salavage store, where they rarely have anything I like, but if they do, it is at a really good deal. Friday I went, and they had this cute black top with a manderin type collar, for $6.00! I still have to remind myself that Im not a XL any more.. and barely a L at this point. Only things with non stretchy arms I need to by a L in. Im still wearing some of my XXL sweaters, but only cause it's cold and I like layering in large clothing. They'll be gone by next winter *sigh* but by then I SHOULD be at goal, or at least a friggin lot closer to it, so I can buy L clothes and they will be huge on me :) and I can spend money on GOOD clothes, and stylin, timeless pieces..
yea.. right. Im too friggen cheap for that. :)
One more thing.. Psycho vet I used to work for put up a website a while ago. Used photos of vets and staff that had since quit. stupid idiot. Well I told the vet that quit a few weeks ago, and I was curious if anything happened, so I went to look it up.. it expired on the 5th! lol. If I didn't think he'd sue me, I'd so buy the domain so he couldn't have it back! of course he has 30 days to realize it is down.
Psycho vet is an idiot!
updating
Well, the weekend before last weekend my scale said 95. Then all last week it was up.. I didn't mind cause the 95 was mid moring during the weekend.. I know I lose more weight when I sleep later.. but this past weekend it wouldn't go below 96. This morning I saw 95.5 after a bad night. I hate the scale :) it confuses me so.
we have a new employee at work. I don't like her (the cookie lady). She can barely find her own tushie with both hands. I don't mind helping out, I totally mind doing someone else's work for them. Hopefully she'll settle in soon, and I won't be continually running into situations where Im forced to keep my eyes from rolling!
I wanted to post the other day of a major crush I have on the phone guy, but he was here the entire day.. felt a little uncomfortable saying that he was amazingly sexy and sweet and SMELLED SO GOOD as I was staring at his tush. He's younger than me, and I doubt even if I were free that we'd EVER start anything.. but like studying fine art, he can come around any time!! :)
Im getting quite disgusted with myself. Most of my old clothes are so huge on me. I am ok with being disgusted with myself. Hopefully it will keep me from ever thinking that it's ok to be that big again. What I don't get is that it is all a matter of inches. when you take your measurements, they take it from like 10 different places then get all excited when you lose 11 inches. So you lose an inch off your waist. So what. the diameter of your waist hasn't changed THAT much. Same with other things. seriously.. so why are these clothes looking so HUGE on me. Don't care, don't want to know. Just gonna use it for motivation to keep going. if -50lbs looks like this, imagine what another -50lbs (not sure I can get there but will try) will look like!
Huge snow storm is approaching. I hate this, cause it is either going to hit us, or it isn't. So pretty much Im in the same situation as if I didn't know anything about the weather at all. I had plans for this week. Dental appointments, eye dr appointments, and an actual date with the DH.. *sigh* Probably a good thing, cause going out to eat NEVER works out... why chance it?
Another odd dream this morning. Ok two. (did I mention I didn't sleep well) the first was I was (or someone else was but I was involved) building a HUGE house - like three football fields long, and there were several large trees inside the house they were building around. I was worried a storm might come and knock the trees down, the other person didn't think it could happen. the other dream I was an american in a foreign land, and was going to marry a man I loved, but who's customs and livestyle was so completely alien to my own, that I was so lost. I kept looking for him, but he was always off doing 'business' so I was tended to by maids or servants or even slaves, I can't really tell. Finally I snuck away, and went in search of him. There were so many people around that it was hard to stay hidden, and there was so much going on that was so confusing.. but I was determined. I woke up before I got anywhere though.
we have a new employee at work. I don't like her (the cookie lady). She can barely find her own tushie with both hands. I don't mind helping out, I totally mind doing someone else's work for them. Hopefully she'll settle in soon, and I won't be continually running into situations where Im forced to keep my eyes from rolling!
I wanted to post the other day of a major crush I have on the phone guy, but he was here the entire day.. felt a little uncomfortable saying that he was amazingly sexy and sweet and SMELLED SO GOOD as I was staring at his tush. He's younger than me, and I doubt even if I were free that we'd EVER start anything.. but like studying fine art, he can come around any time!! :)
Im getting quite disgusted with myself. Most of my old clothes are so huge on me. I am ok with being disgusted with myself. Hopefully it will keep me from ever thinking that it's ok to be that big again. What I don't get is that it is all a matter of inches. when you take your measurements, they take it from like 10 different places then get all excited when you lose 11 inches. So you lose an inch off your waist. So what. the diameter of your waist hasn't changed THAT much. Same with other things. seriously.. so why are these clothes looking so HUGE on me. Don't care, don't want to know. Just gonna use it for motivation to keep going. if -50lbs looks like this, imagine what another -50lbs (not sure I can get there but will try) will look like!
Huge snow storm is approaching. I hate this, cause it is either going to hit us, or it isn't. So pretty much Im in the same situation as if I didn't know anything about the weather at all. I had plans for this week. Dental appointments, eye dr appointments, and an actual date with the DH.. *sigh* Probably a good thing, cause going out to eat NEVER works out... why chance it?
Another odd dream this morning. Ok two. (did I mention I didn't sleep well) the first was I was (or someone else was but I was involved) building a HUGE house - like three football fields long, and there were several large trees inside the house they were building around. I was worried a storm might come and knock the trees down, the other person didn't think it could happen. the other dream I was an american in a foreign land, and was going to marry a man I loved, but who's customs and livestyle was so completely alien to my own, that I was so lost. I kept looking for him, but he was always off doing 'business' so I was tended to by maids or servants or even slaves, I can't really tell. Finally I snuck away, and went in search of him. There were so many people around that it was hard to stay hidden, and there was so much going on that was so confusing.. but I was determined. I woke up before I got anywhere though.
2.06.2007
well then
guess not eating her cookies is going to be easy. (wench)
I wanted to like her, I really did. Maybe I will, I just don't like her very much right now.
She's a "high powered' sales person, coming in with a whole slew of contacts in a field we aren't in, so she has the potential to drive our business in a whole new direction (yea!) so here on her first day she is sitting in the boss' office making phone calls (cause we are in the process of getting a new phone system, and frankly we don't have a phone for her)
Well she came out to tell me that she's had to leave some messages, so she left our business number for them to call her back, so she'll be getting phone calls. I answered "cool" - meaning that it is great that she is so productive on her first day. well she basically rolled her eyes and mimic'ed my "cool"
what I REALLY wanted to say was "do you think I am so freakin stupid I wouldn't know what to do with a phone call when someone asks for you? do you think I'll just freeze up like a bad computer and fall over?"
arrgh.
I can let this go, I can so let this go, but I so wanted to roll my eyes, which I know is not acceptable, so I blog, and it will be gone.
But if she continues to treat me like a moron....
I wanted to like her, I really did. Maybe I will, I just don't like her very much right now.
She's a "high powered' sales person, coming in with a whole slew of contacts in a field we aren't in, so she has the potential to drive our business in a whole new direction (yea!) so here on her first day she is sitting in the boss' office making phone calls (cause we are in the process of getting a new phone system, and frankly we don't have a phone for her)
Well she came out to tell me that she's had to leave some messages, so she left our business number for them to call her back, so she'll be getting phone calls. I answered "cool" - meaning that it is great that she is so productive on her first day. well she basically rolled her eyes and mimic'ed my "cool"
what I REALLY wanted to say was "do you think I am so freakin stupid I wouldn't know what to do with a phone call when someone asks for you? do you think I'll just freeze up like a bad computer and fall over?"
arrgh.
I can let this go, I can so let this go, but I so wanted to roll my eyes, which I know is not acceptable, so I blog, and it will be gone.
But if she continues to treat me like a moron....
ow ow ow!!!
well I whined that I was recovering from bowling yesterday.. this morning my leg 'gave out' on me. I was laying in bed covered in cats, and I tried to roll over and grab the TV remote.. when the major muscle in my butt to thigh area said NO FREAKIN WAY! it wasn't pretty. I can move my leg up and down. stairs aren't comfy.. but trying to do anything on a side to side motion, like quick turning is right out. At least I can sit here..
this morning is also difficult food wise. as i was getting my food for the day ready, I really wished someone would bring me goodies.. and guess what happened at work today? Yup. A new employee started, and she brought in some really yummy sounding cookies. Its only 10:30 and I've had my breakfast, but I want to break into them with a passion.. and be horribly rude and eat them all. Yes, Im feeling deprived.
I don't quite know why. I have plans to go out to dinner on the 14th.. I haven't really been out to eat for many months. Usually when I have a plan to go off plan, Im good with towing the line diet wise.. but not today.. *sigh* Somehow I don't think Im going to make it through out the day with out having at least a piece of something. I want to.. get through the day with out having a piece..but.. I know its a possiblity.
of course it might have something to do with the dream I had this morning. Full of loss and rejection.. I hate those.
I watched Oprah yesterday. She did a show on aging brilliantly again. I like those shows. its all about accepting yourself, doing what you love, and creating passion in your life for what you do. yea yea yea.. wouldn't we all love to do that, but then who would bag your groceries??
But I got to thinking about myself, and why I suffer from depression. Yes I know most of it is chemical, but it is usually set off by feelings that I am 'not good enough' or 'pretty enough' which is so silly. Cause I know that I AM good enough. and despite socital convention, I am very pretty. I know Im not going to be all things to all people, and I guess in my moments of depression, i wish I could be. I wish I could be considered one of the 'beautiful people' and I wish personality wise i'd fit in better with people in general.
But then of course, I read or see the news and realize the human race is so pathetic.. it is so flawed, and so warped and so twisted these days, why on earth would I want to be accepted by that?
which of course is why Im not.. :) and in general.. I'm ok with that.
this morning is also difficult food wise. as i was getting my food for the day ready, I really wished someone would bring me goodies.. and guess what happened at work today? Yup. A new employee started, and she brought in some really yummy sounding cookies. Its only 10:30 and I've had my breakfast, but I want to break into them with a passion.. and be horribly rude and eat them all. Yes, Im feeling deprived.
I don't quite know why. I have plans to go out to dinner on the 14th.. I haven't really been out to eat for many months. Usually when I have a plan to go off plan, Im good with towing the line diet wise.. but not today.. *sigh* Somehow I don't think Im going to make it through out the day with out having at least a piece of something. I want to.. get through the day with out having a piece..but.. I know its a possiblity.
of course it might have something to do with the dream I had this morning. Full of loss and rejection.. I hate those.
I watched Oprah yesterday. She did a show on aging brilliantly again. I like those shows. its all about accepting yourself, doing what you love, and creating passion in your life for what you do. yea yea yea.. wouldn't we all love to do that, but then who would bag your groceries??
But I got to thinking about myself, and why I suffer from depression. Yes I know most of it is chemical, but it is usually set off by feelings that I am 'not good enough' or 'pretty enough' which is so silly. Cause I know that I AM good enough. and despite socital convention, I am very pretty. I know Im not going to be all things to all people, and I guess in my moments of depression, i wish I could be. I wish I could be considered one of the 'beautiful people' and I wish personality wise i'd fit in better with people in general.
But then of course, I read or see the news and realize the human race is so pathetic.. it is so flawed, and so warped and so twisted these days, why on earth would I want to be accepted by that?
which of course is why Im not.. :) and in general.. I'm ok with that.
2.05.2007
What.. is this Tuesday??
I have always hated Tuesdays - like other people hate mondays.. but today (monday) definately feels like a tuesday. *sigh*
Work is still getting on my nerves. a problem I was told was fixed, that the whole office was told was fixed, was not. Now I have a boat load more work to do. Job security right?
My car is still not back from being detailed. My basement still isn't finished. I hate it when my DH relies on 'friends' to do work for us. He seems to push them NOT to do the work.. doesn't want to be demanding.. so nothing gets done, and Im sitting here waiting for my car, and my nice basement, and my new fireplace, and nothing.. and now its FEBRUARY!! arrgh. to which I have to scream because now my old car is no longer inspected, and it won't pass inspection cause it needs new tires, and I don't want to buy new tires just to sell it. I figure I'll give who ever buys it x amount off the sale price for new tires, so that way they can get what they want. but this means Im driving around in a car that is not inspected, with bad tires in snowy conditions. Brilliant DH.. Brilliant!
I got my scale to give me a new number the other day. On the weekends, the scale is 'kinder' to me cause I sleep later. 195.5 during the weekends. 197 this morning. Not sure which I really should count. I give NS the lowest number possible, just cause. Doesn't really matter what I weigh. Numbers really are arbitrary. As long as they continue to get lower, Im fine with that :D
My face exploded over the weekend. friday I noticed it was getting dry.. I was very kind to it. used an expensive gentle cleanser with moisturizer, and the the expensive mositurizer, and syurm surym? what ever.. but by saturday morning it itched so bad, and it felt like someone had replaced my skin with sand paper. and put it the wrong way out!! every time I scratched my face it set off a million more itches. DH stupidly brought me to his company function (bowl-a-thon) and despite my telling him several times I was grumpy, and needed a little extra attention and sympathy, he kept ignoring me. stupid idiot. It wasn't pretty. he threw out that "the one time I ask you for something' crap.. um.. hello! this was NOT the first function I went to solely because of you!! Im so anti-social, I'd be thrilled if I never had to go to another gathering ever.. a few friends one on one I can handle, and huge crowds where I can be anonomous are ok too.. but if I have to interact with people, Im always scared Im going to say the wrong thing, and I usually do - I guess.. cause I often feel ignored and slighted. and yet he's blaming me for being grumpy when a) my face was on fire b) HE KNEW IT and c) I had WARNED him I was grumpy and needed him to be senstive. he usually is. I give him credit for that.. but sometimes he's just so pig headed, and has only one outcome in mind so that any info I give him is immediately ignored as he goes on his merry way. *sigh* I love him, sometimes I just dont like him very much.
So bowling.. oh that was a freakin mistake. They didn't have that many people, so I ended up bowling with a man and two boys. so the rounds were VERY fast. LOTS of bowling. DH didn't explain it would be a 4 hour event.. just that it was a bowl-a-thon for work. I assumed we'd be doing a few rounds and that would be that. He thinks he told me more about it, but he didn't.. that morning I didn't even know what time the thing started. he's sure he told me.. whatever..
I bowl. Candlepin. big ball bowling doesn't seem very challenging to me - even though I have no idea how to bowl a big ball. you mean you have to put your fingers in WHERE?? so a small 2.5lb ball, thrown down a long ramp at 15-16 mph (most guys can do 25-35mph) really wears on your arm, not to mention the legs, cause it involves lunges.. My arm is uncomfortable, my legs are ticked off!
My face is no longer on fire, but is still covered in multiple patches of very rough skin. Im just mosturizing the heck out of it.. even covered in petrolium jelly (which all soaked in)
I need to get my nails done. I so dont want to. I hate getting my nails done. Maybe wednesday when D(freakin)H won't be home at his normal time.
I just want to go home, and Im stuck here for 20 more minutes. Not much more I can be pretending to do.. I've already read MSNBC, and the BBs I hang out at.. maybe another game of spider.. lol. as much as I complain about my job being boring, I have to admit, it has it's good points. :)
Work is still getting on my nerves. a problem I was told was fixed, that the whole office was told was fixed, was not. Now I have a boat load more work to do. Job security right?
My car is still not back from being detailed. My basement still isn't finished. I hate it when my DH relies on 'friends' to do work for us. He seems to push them NOT to do the work.. doesn't want to be demanding.. so nothing gets done, and Im sitting here waiting for my car, and my nice basement, and my new fireplace, and nothing.. and now its FEBRUARY!! arrgh. to which I have to scream because now my old car is no longer inspected, and it won't pass inspection cause it needs new tires, and I don't want to buy new tires just to sell it. I figure I'll give who ever buys it x amount off the sale price for new tires, so that way they can get what they want. but this means Im driving around in a car that is not inspected, with bad tires in snowy conditions. Brilliant DH.. Brilliant!
I got my scale to give me a new number the other day. On the weekends, the scale is 'kinder' to me cause I sleep later. 195.5 during the weekends. 197 this morning. Not sure which I really should count. I give NS the lowest number possible, just cause. Doesn't really matter what I weigh. Numbers really are arbitrary. As long as they continue to get lower, Im fine with that :D
My face exploded over the weekend. friday I noticed it was getting dry.. I was very kind to it. used an expensive gentle cleanser with moisturizer, and the the expensive mositurizer, and syurm surym? what ever.. but by saturday morning it itched so bad, and it felt like someone had replaced my skin with sand paper. and put it the wrong way out!! every time I scratched my face it set off a million more itches. DH stupidly brought me to his company function (bowl-a-thon) and despite my telling him several times I was grumpy, and needed a little extra attention and sympathy, he kept ignoring me. stupid idiot. It wasn't pretty. he threw out that "the one time I ask you for something' crap.. um.. hello! this was NOT the first function I went to solely because of you!! Im so anti-social, I'd be thrilled if I never had to go to another gathering ever.. a few friends one on one I can handle, and huge crowds where I can be anonomous are ok too.. but if I have to interact with people, Im always scared Im going to say the wrong thing, and I usually do - I guess.. cause I often feel ignored and slighted. and yet he's blaming me for being grumpy when a) my face was on fire b) HE KNEW IT and c) I had WARNED him I was grumpy and needed him to be senstive. he usually is. I give him credit for that.. but sometimes he's just so pig headed, and has only one outcome in mind so that any info I give him is immediately ignored as he goes on his merry way. *sigh* I love him, sometimes I just dont like him very much.
So bowling.. oh that was a freakin mistake. They didn't have that many people, so I ended up bowling with a man and two boys. so the rounds were VERY fast. LOTS of bowling. DH didn't explain it would be a 4 hour event.. just that it was a bowl-a-thon for work. I assumed we'd be doing a few rounds and that would be that. He thinks he told me more about it, but he didn't.. that morning I didn't even know what time the thing started. he's sure he told me.. whatever..
I bowl. Candlepin. big ball bowling doesn't seem very challenging to me - even though I have no idea how to bowl a big ball. you mean you have to put your fingers in WHERE?? so a small 2.5lb ball, thrown down a long ramp at 15-16 mph (most guys can do 25-35mph) really wears on your arm, not to mention the legs, cause it involves lunges.. My arm is uncomfortable, my legs are ticked off!
My face is no longer on fire, but is still covered in multiple patches of very rough skin. Im just mosturizing the heck out of it.. even covered in petrolium jelly (which all soaked in)
I need to get my nails done. I so dont want to. I hate getting my nails done. Maybe wednesday when D(freakin)H won't be home at his normal time.
I just want to go home, and Im stuck here for 20 more minutes. Not much more I can be pretending to do.. I've already read MSNBC, and the BBs I hang out at.. maybe another game of spider.. lol. as much as I complain about my job being boring, I have to admit, it has it's good points. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)