still not sleeping well

was almost 11 before I got settled down for the night, then woke up at two. I had to pee, and when I got back into bed Em showed up and laid down and made it impossible for me to get comfy again. And of course at that point I'd rather her be comfy than myself.. so I was up till four. *sigh*

Tonight Im off to see a movie with a friend. Been a long time since I've done that, and I am looking forward to it.. will have to sneak home first thought and check on Em.

Food wise I think Im ok. Im having an extra serving of protein here and there.. but Im choosing low calorie options.. so Im sorta kinda still with in the guidelines.. haven't lost any more, but with all the stress and what not, Im ok with that. Just glad I haven't gained.. (well any more than the sleep deprived 3lbs) I still really want to carb load... badly.. but I haven't given in cause I know it is my emotions that want it, not my body.. so for now Im ok. Although if all this emotional stress keeps up, Im sure my body will start wanting it. My face is already breaking out..

I will take some chemical help tonight to get some sleep. as tired as I am, and as big of a headache I have, some night time asprin will be a nice relief.

I am a mess, and Im not afraid to admit it

at least to my anonymous blog anyway.. :)

i am trying very hard not to stress over Em. Im not worrying - which is good. To me it is a tumor, and Im just waiting for the test results to come back negative, and that will be that. Im concerned, because she's even hungrier than normal the last day or so. Her BGs are high.. I want her to be normal and I just need to fully accept the fact she isn't.

Last night I was in some sort of perverted Christmas type of mode. You know Christmas eve, when you are all excited for Christmas to come, so you go to bed early so it gets there faster.. well I didnt want to go to bed because I didn't want today to come. Just one more day of waiting, and trying not to eat. I got up and I wanted to carb load, cause I knew the endorphins would kick in and make me feel better for an hour or two (omg.. can you say addiction?? change carb for alcohol or drugs.. scary isnt it?) But I resisted. I had my "there is no way you are going to be hungry for hours" breakfast of oatmeal, protein powder, olive oil (you can't taste it) banana and for good measure I threw in some pumpkin and cinnamon. Technically I am NOT hungry.. but man do I want to eat to distract myself.

Im spending my morning watching the clock till the next time I feel comfortable eating. Don't want to eat too early because I might actually become hungry later on in the afternoon - and there are muffins in the breakroom.

I did snack a little too much last night. two or three extra servings of protein - I know I had a protein bar for 90 calories, and a cheese stick for 60. I also had a 90 calorie pack of organic cookies, (and I should probably mention the 20 or so salt and vinegar pringles I had yesterday morning before bringing Em to the vet, and the diet soda I had afterwards) *sigh* The scale was unkind to me this morning. Im not sure why I got on it, since I KNOW that by not getting a full 8 hours sleep (I got about four) I put on three or so pounds.. (please don't ask me why.. but by weighing every day I see the trend) and this morning the scale said 193

I need to exercise too. *sigh* didn't do that yesterday or today. dh is home sick, so it isn't easy.. At least tonight should be easier. Im sure a light chemical kick (sleeping assistance) will throw me right into la-la land and there SHOULD be no snacking for me.

Should...

Floppy butt!

After a bad morning I came into work, and was standing next to the postal meter waiting for it to stop its current hissy fit, when my boss walked up to me, grabbed my jeans at my butt, and commented on my floppy jeans :) Yup.. a floppy butt in my DH's jeans :)

Not much happened this weekend. Dealing with finishing up my cold, dealing with DH's cold, and tending to Em..

Reality Check

Im sitting here at work, getting weepy.. Em - my old diabetic hypothyroid cat - is losing weight, has a snotty nose, and this morning there was blood in her mouth when I pilled her. Im sure the blood was nothing.. but Im sitting here contemplating her death. yes, she's 16, and been diabetic for 7 years, yes the end is coming, but it isn't here by a LONG SHOT! I need to snap out of this!! *sigh*

Im also still quite under the weather.. I left work early on Monday, and spent the entire day in bed yesterday. I'm coughing up gunk now.. so breathing isn't easy.

Not much else is new..

So sick

Hubby wasn't feeling well last week. He gave it to me. I spent all weekend in bed sleeping it off. It sorta worked, my throat isn't nearly as bad as it used to be.. but my nose feels like Rudolphs, and Im still pretty weak. For some reason I came in to work today. I am pretty tired, and should probably go home, but Im still here.

I just had a salad.. I didn't really like it, and it gave me the hiccups. I hate the hiccups.

Yes.. Im miserable. Sorry about that.

I was so committed to being on my diet.. I said I was going to be 100% till I got to 189, well, that went right out the window when I was sick, cause I didn't feel like eating much of anything, and when I did, I snagged a couple of my husband's goodies. Somehow I managed to eek out a 191.5 this morning though.

a while back I posted that there was a woman on the support board Im on that was close in weight to me. I was feeling victorious when I weighed less than her, and pathetic when I weighed more. well life gave her a few setbacks, and she stalled/gained, so now we are a good five pounds apart. Feels weird not to be competing any more. but it is a good thing. I hated how I let myself judge how I was doing in comparison to someone else.

lol. I LOVE blogger's new spell check.

Anyway, Im sure there is more, but Im kinda out of it.

I need a nice sharp pointy stick

Oh my goodness my new co-worker is driving me NUTS! Im trying to not let it get to me, and usually moments after Im rolling my eyes, its gone, but sometimes she just really gets to me. I wish I had the power to stop time, poke her with the stick, and then start time up again. mentally doing it works most of the time, but sometimes...

I got the shamrock shake. I got a large. It was gone WAY too fast. Must learn to savor my cheats. Not only did I get a SS.. but I got one of their new grilled chicken snack wraps (260 calories - hey not too bad, but way too many for such little amount of food!!) then went home and had a cookie (170 calories) and something else, then made the DH heat me up some potstickers as a late night snack. I was a bad girl! but Im back on the wagon today, and will be for the forseable future. I am determined to get into the 180s.. I got up, exercised, did some strength training (not much) and have been 100% (if I don't count the sugarless gum and mints Im sucking on) today has been HARD because Im bored, and my co-worker is annoying me - two things that usually cause me to eat.

Last night I went through my closet again. Ebay was having 20 cent listings, and I thought I might be brave and list some of my jackets for sale. I am slowly bringing my clothing to a local resale shop, but Im getting next to nothing for it all. I thought if I sold them on ebay I'd make more money - which I most likely would - but then I realized I would have to put up with idiots who don't know how to use Ebay, who can't follow directions, then blame me for their problems. I couldn't face that. It just wasn't worth the extra funds. Of course I am now considering bringing it down to the local 'sell on ebay' shop.. which will charge me to do it, but not nearly what the local resale shop charges me - since she takes half of the sale price.

but I realized I undergrew a couple more of my favorite items of clothing. I know I'll eventually find new favorites, but it is so hard and so sad to let go of the ones I have that I love so much. Some I am going to try to bring to a seamstress when I am closer to my target weight... but there is only so much that can be done. Good-bye dear friends. We worked well together for a while, but now I must move on. *sob* (must remind myself it is NOT worth putting the weight back on.. so totally not!! but I hate reminding myself of it)

writing it down did help.. somewhat

I was better able to realize it wasn't a valid feeling, and thus was able to keep it from having so much power over me, but it was still there. kinda like someone poking you, so you put on a heavy coat. You can't feel it as much, but you still know its there, and it is still freakingly annoying.

Its much smaller now. I still REALLY want to break down and have a good cry, but with out having a valid reason, it is kinda hard. I so need to find a good movie that will give me a good reason :)

My weight is now hovering around 193.. Im not happy about it. Today is my boss' birthday, so there was cake... but I am commited to recommit tomorrow (after one more small ok maybe medium shamrock shake tonight) I so need to lose some more. Im suffering from a small case of floppy butt in my stretch jean 14s, but the regular 14s won't close. I went to wallyworld last night and saw some jeans on clearance, so I bought them with out trying them on. They didn't fit :( However I did by a really cool black velvet jacket for - get this - $5.00!! Its lined and very soft inside.. and I'd love it even if it wasn't a - get this - size 12!! Some how my BFAs fit in a 12! not only a 12, but a LINED 12! not a stretch 12..

i have started doing some exercises with a band.. trying to strengthen the muscles in my arms.. I know it won't eliminate the BFA, but Im so hoping it will reduce the BFA enough that I won't feel the need for surgery.

Speaking of which, I still need to get into the city and get that GC.. and get my eyes checked out.. *sigh*

MIL was still in the hospital last I knew.. they were looking to get her into a rehab place today. Hopefully.

and, just as a reminder to myself.. do NOT bring tuna as your lunch protein if you aren't absolutely positiviely positive you are in the mood for tuna. As a rule I HATE fish, but occasionally I can handle tuna. I was in a hurry this morning, so I just grabbed what was easy, and tuna was easy.. but so GROSS!! *sigh*

well.. shamrock, my friend, be on the look out, cause I am commin to get you.. :D

confession time again

Ok, I swore I wasn't going to post just to state how miserable I am, cause frankly how miserable can I REALLY be. Good house, good job, losing weight, kitties in decent health.. finances aren't in great shape, but are in good shape.

But Im sitting here at work feeling 'hopeless' and wanting to cry.

I feel so silly.

There is no reason behind it other than chemical. I know there has to be something with in my brain that is causing this. I figure if I post that I feel like crap even when I shouldnt and take an objective look at this, I can get it to go away...

hopefully. (wait.. If Im feeling hopeless... wouldnt that be a contradiction? *shrug*)

So anyway.. Im feeling pretty low.

I equate my feelings of sadness as if I were hanging out on a cliffside. Most of the time lately I'm playing in the field, Im smelling the roses, I don't even know the cliff is there. sometimes I know the cliff is there. Sometimes I'm looking at the cliff. sometimes I'm looking over the side of the cliff, and sometimes Im wishing I were over the edge of the cliff. I think I know the cliff is there now. I want to go smell the roses.. but for some reason my feet are stuck in the mudd. *sigh*

Yesterday I had my first shamrock shake. I'd like to say my last.. but I have a feeling it isn't going to be. I love those things so.

The scale is hovering around 192.5 sometimes 192.. I set my original weight loss goal as 189, figuring I'd never get there.. well look at me now. I have no plans on stopping. I do want to celebrate 189.. Im thinking I'm going to go shopping, but I don't know if I am going to be able to. Im currently wearing pants I bought a month or so ago, and they are already huge on me. Not quite pull down with out unbuttoning, but I can see that in a couple of weeks. when I cleaned out my closets at the begining of the year, I lamented that I had no clothes left. I went out and got a few things at the discount store, the salvage store and the resale store.. but I still have way too few clothes for my tastes. Technically i have plenty.. I need to learn to live on less, especially when what I have isn't going to fit in a few months!!

I don't know why, but I have a major case of floppybuttitis. I should be THRILLED when my pants are too big, but I hate it. It makes me feel as though I've done something wrong... I know.. How stupid is that?>>> I know it is stupid, I know I should be thrilled.. but I guess it is a case of reverse shrinkage.. Im still in major denial and fear that I'm going to wake up and need my old size 22s again. I guess I just want to eat to fill out my pants. again- VERY STUPID - so.. I should just throw out / donate / sell any pants that make me feel that way.

Ok.. so lets post about some things I am happy about. fake it til you make it as they say..

1. the curve right above my hip. I still have a small pooch right above my belly button (the whole reason for going on this diet in the first place) but the sides of me are very curvey in all the right ways. I love that curve.
2. Vanity sizing. Ok, I have lamented how much I hate vanity sizing, but it does allow me to shop in the non plus size section of stores, or even (gasp) shop in non plus size stores.
3. Did I mention the curve above my hip? um.. yea. how about Shamrock Shakes :D although I don't think that should qualify. how about how my kitties all run to jump up on me when I wake up.. no matter what time I wake up, no matter why I wake up.. they are just so happy to 'see' me.

Last night it was 3:30 Am when an owl woke me out of a dream. Yes.. an owl. yes, he was hooting. No, we aren't known for having owls around us. Not sure if I'm happy about this or not. Just made me glad I keep all my kitties indoors - since I have no idea how big this owl was, although his hoot was loud.

All right. I should probably get back to work. Hopefully this helped.

*screams*

Ok, so MIL is still in hospital. DH is there. I am not. Mostly because I dont' want to be in the way.. which I would be. I know I would be. Im not very good in those situations, and Im usually more of a drain than support, so I have opted to stay away. He's ok with that, and knows I'd be there if he needed me.

Well he is BEYOND uncommunicative about the whole fricken situation, which drives me BATTY!

This morning he was going to talk to the owner of the company he works for, then was going to head over to the hospital then possibly to work. I asked him VERY NICELY to email me with what was going on.

it is now 1:30 PM. NO FRICKEN EMAIL! I emailed him asking where he was, he said the hosptial. No update on her condition, no update on his plans, NOTHING!!

I want to bash him, but I can't.. cause his mother is in the hospital.

So I come here and I vent.

Friggen jerk.

Im allowed to think this way. Im beyond not allowed to tell him I think this way. Maybe something in a much nicer vein to let him know how frustrated I am - which he should know cause I told him this morning when I asked him to update me cause the not knowing was making it worse for me..

arrrgh.

*sigh*

MIL

well then..

I just got an email from DH saying his mother - which has been having health issues - has been taken to the hospital. He is headed over there, but hasn't requested my presence yet. That is ok with me. I don't do well in hospital, I don't do well with too many people around, so Im content to sit here and freeze (yes, it is fricken cold in my office again)

She's been having issues. It started with her eyesight. Something happened that was threatening that... so they put her on massive steriods to try to save her sight. Well that gave her diabetes, and somehow all of this caused her to be disorientated and unsure of things.. so more meds, now nausia, so more meds, then a stroke.. it has just been down hill from the begining. Makes me wonder what would have happened if they hadn't put her on the steriods and risked her going blind.

But she's old.. this is to be expected at some point.. although no one is ever ready for it, are they?

Scale gave me a 192 this morning. amazing what this diet along with a little exercise can do..

arrrrrghhhh!!

Im at work.. I am losing my mind!!

wait.. is this a complaint? or is it a statement of fact? I watched a segment on the today show that people were trying to be complaint free for 21 days.. I thought that sounded interesting.. but I thought i'd have to be aware of when Im complaining.

Im going to go with statement of fact.. :D

yea.. that's it. And Im sticking to it.

and if I scream that I'm freakingly cold.. wouldn't that just be a statement of fact too, since my fingers and toes are all blue?

day one down

Now that it is March, Shamrock Shakes from McHell are calling me. Loudly. its annoying, cause I HATE mint in general, but I really love the SS.

So I decided yesterday if I follow the plan to a T all week, then Saturday I can go get one. Yesterday went well.. sorta. and as of this morning the scale told me 193 :D

Four more pounds to the first goal! Im going to go out and get some new pants and a few new shirts when I hit it. Going to get rid of the "pants that fit" that I hate..

It is fridgid here.. Beyond cold. The mailbox at work froze.. I had to warm up the key with my hand, which almost fell off. COLD.. and now that I'm 50lbs lighter, I am always cold in general, so this is HORRIBLE!! *shiver* I even dressed in layers knowing I'd be cold... and I AM STILL COLD!! Im so moving to Arizona at some point. 110 degrees I can live with. I know.. I've done it.. watching my fingertips turn blue is NOT FUN!

snowstorm and novicane

well Friday I had my appointments to get a lasix evalutation, and a cavity fixed. However there was a huge snowstorm schedualed that day. Thursday I got two messages from my dentist. I had to come in for my dental appointment at 10 AM or forget it. They weren't very kind about it either. But I needed to get this one taken care of, so 10 AM it was. Sadly that was when my lasix evaluation was. I called them to see if I could reschedual, and asked them to call me before 9. well they didn't. So off I went in the snow and made it to the dentist with time to spare. It wasn't pretty.. but Im from Maine, so driving in the snow is something I just have to do.

well I swear I am sensitive to Novicane, cause my stomach started doing flips right after he injected it - not that Im not dentist phobic or anything.. yea.. that's not it at all - but it still hasn't stopped being annoyed with me.. and my jaw STILL hurts from the injection... and fun of fun I get to go back and do it again in a few weeks. *sigh* I hate the dentist. Because of this I was toast all weekend, and spent most of it on pain meds. to top it all off, the filling is a bit too high, so my jaw doesn't align by just a smidge.. Im hoping it fixes itself between now and my next appointment.

I then went over to the lasix place.. but they closed. :( I really need to know if it is a possiblity.. The show "How it is Made" had a bit on lasix.. and I couldn't watch it.. made me ill. I don't know how on earth I think Im going to get through the proceedure.. but then again, Im sure if I watched some of the other things I get through I wouldn't be able to watch that either.. Guess I'll just take this one step at a time..

So I went out to Wal*mart.. but it was getting more and more disgusting out, so I bailed on the shopping and went home. Forgot all about my PS GC.. I'll have to get it some other time.

Im at work, and COMPLETELY unmotivated. I just want to go home and crawl back into bed.

My food choices weren't the best this weekend. I kept snacking on things I shouldn't have. Im maintaining for the most part.. so I'm not going to worry about it. I've planned on getting back on the wagon today - and so far so good.. I so want to see 189 by the end of march.. *crosses fingers I don't screw it up*

how on earth?

Well yesterday I was eating everything I could find. I tried to make do with small bites, and savoring.. but I know I wasn't good. I skipped my 'NS Dessert' and was prepaired for a high number this morning..

My first weight was 196.. but a couple of hours later, I got a 193.5

I'm still stress eating this morning. Again I am doing my best to stay with in the limits of NS, and making sure I'm in my calories for the day. So far so good.

Why am I so stressed you might wonder? (can't believe Im admitting to this) I have an appointment with a shrink (or what ever professional title she's using) to discuss my issues with my mother. Im not going to go through them again right now.. cause if you go through the blog you'll find 99% of them.. for those new to this blog, let me just say I haven't spoken to her for over a year now, and while I am perfectly fine with that in theory, it also means I haven't spoken with my father or my sister and her family for that amount of time either. I don't know how to deal with this.. so I need a professional outside opinion. I just can't help but wonder if an hour is going to be enough to discuss all the issues and to come up with a plan.

I miss my father. It comes out in dreams a lot. Last night I had a dream that he came to me to say goodbye. My dad dies a LOT in my dreams.. even before this, and even before his health scare 8 years ago. I know it is just my mind's way of prepairing me, but seriously, there is no prepairing for it, so it really needs to stop!

Well hopefully after tonight I'll have some sort of plan.. or something..

or maybe I just need to pack up and move to Arizona so I don't have to even worry about running into them, and they can all use that as an excuse for never coming to see or call me. (despite my calling and going to see them.. although not that often.. but still)