G**L

again, Look at me trying not to jinx it. 188 this morning. Of course I barely ate anything yesterday as my stomach was upset.

I did go to the movies and saw Next with Nicholas Cage. Reminded me a lot of the movie with Denzel Washington's - Deja Vu. Both drive you batty, but I liked them.

I had a turkey burger, no cheese, mustard, tomato, lettuce, and only the bottom half of the bun. A salad and water. I did sneak a bite of my DH's dinner, and liked it so much I stole a bit more.. but then I didn't eat for the rest of the night.. so I'm sure I more than made up for it with my total lack of daily calories.

I guess if I am still under the g**l weight tomorrow, I'll claim it :)

Work is intersting. The woman that has been irritating me to no end, asked me a very nice question, let me show her the answer, then said thank you. There is hope! Im working on a task I dont generally enjoy but for some reason I'm not minding it this time. I was hoping to take thursday and friday off, but I just realized my boss is going to be out of town on Friday.. I don't know if she'll be ok with my taking the day. I'm going to ask anyway.. MAY even ask for Wednesday too.. I need some time away from work and some time to shop, read a book, get a massage..etc we'll see.

arrgh!

Well then.. i thought I was making some semblance of progress making friends with the annoying co-worker who annoys the bleep out of me.. but she wants me to just do things for her, and doesn't want to learn how to find information for herself. I offered to show her, and she just pushed me away.. I just want to strangle her!! wouldn't you want to know how to find information in your computer that you need to do your job?? What if I wasn't here one day??

My boss got me flowers for administrative professionals day.. she sat there and completely ignored the whole deal. Didn't say even say boo about it. biotch!

*water, duck back.. letting it go... *
Hum.. I didn't post yesterday. Guess I wasn't feeling up to it. Still fighting off the darkness. I wish I were burning calories while doing it, I'd be so skinny now :)

I did work out on wednesday morning. only did 1/2 episode since I had to take a shower. I did the other half that night. I also went for a quick walk and did some chair squats. I stayed on plan till right before bed when my stomach was upset... I saw my DH eating some cookies, and I grabbed a vanilla one to try to help settle my stomach. Didn't really work. This morning the scale said 191.5 so that is something.

I did a 1/2 episode of exersise again this morning. I consider that a huge victory, since I didn't want to do anything at all. not even get out of bed, not even have breakfast. I should have taken today and tomorrow off from work. I think I'll take next Thurs and Friday off. I should *crosses fingers* be back to with in goal at that point, and i can go shopping for some clothes :D I'll do the other half when I get home from work.. and since the sun is still shining at this point (we are expecting rain yet again) I might try to get out for a little walk.

let the sunshine come and wash away the darkness

Its been tough for me lately. Probably the sugar I've been feeding myself to ignore the emotions I've been going through with Em. Yesterday I said I was going to stop eating the junk.. but then it was "just one" I swear there is a curse with "just one" cause it is NEVER "just one"

So today I said NO. I have put a big psychic NO on my chest, and I will not faulter. If I can get through today battling this, I know tomorrow will be a lot easier. So far.. So good. The laffy taffy and the hershey's kisses have no hold on me.. (ok, since I said their names out loud, they are crying out to me a little louder, but in a few minutes it will be gone)

I have exercised this morning. I went for a quick 15 min walk this afternoon.. so far I am on track for my eating.. things are good..

which I need to hold on to as tight as I possibly can.

things are good. do not let the negative come and drown out the positive..

Em's nose was draining again this morning - hopefully not as bad as it can get.. but I am fearful of that.
work is irritating me.
and i am still very tired, so things are building,

its mean how the negative can build way faster than the positive. probably cause the darkness is natural. you have to work to bring light into the picture.. And God created light... Light is work, it is energy, darkness is natural, the absence of work..

sigh

I just have to remember not to shut the door on the light. to not forget about all the good and positive things going on around me.. I must hold on to those and keep them dear.

I will keep them dear.

The light will prevail!

WTF?

I don't like to swear.. but I figure in acronyms it is ok.. :)

Im sitting here in my new size 34C bra, my size 12 jeans and my size M shirt and sweatshirt, and my size 7 undies, and wonder how on earth can someone who weighs 193 fit in all this. yes, I am 5'7", but still!

I am also extremely tired. I am not sleeping through the night most nights. I can usually get right back to sleep after a quick trip to the bathroom (and no, my bladder isnt what is waking me up) Its frustrating. I wouldn't care one iota about not sleeping through the night if I weren't so darn tired all darn day. I think once I no longer have to worry about Em, i'll sleep better. Not great, cause I didn't sleep all that wonderfully before she got sick.

i am on a new kick to get to 160 by 6/22. I KNOW it isn't going to happen, so i won't be horribly disappointed when I fail, but I have to get my licence renewed for my 36th birthday (yes, I have been driving now for 20 years) and I so want my licence to not be a lie.. :) Although to look at me (see first paragraph) Im sure I LOOK like I'm 160. because of this, I am going to make a serious attempt to work out every morning. I did this morning, and I even went for a 1/2 hour walk this afternoon!! (although I should probably cancel that out because of all the sugar I have been consuming.)

I did stop in the shelter on Friday to try to nab some foster kittens (there were none - fortunately or unfortunately) and I ran into a woman who said.. and I quote "did you lose half of you?" :) I suppose going from a size 24 to a 12, I kinda did. :D

the woman I work with is still irritating me to no end. she was on vacation last week, walked in this morning, asked me if I was going to deal with the messages in the general mailbox - i generally don't because they are never for me. I said no, she asked in a very rude tone "WHY NOT?!" and I pointed to the stacks of mail in front of me and said I am dealing with the mail. She turned in a huff and walked away. I just want to hurl things at her!!!

can't stop eating

I am emotionally hurting right now with Em being so sick. I can't stop eating.... or is that I don't want to stop. When Im not doing anything, I have to face the pain of losing a pet... at least by eating I can think about the taste of the food, etc.

I got up to 193 the other morning.. this morning 191.5.. so at least Im eating in a 'smart' way... I guess.. not going so overboard that I am doing damage I can't undo... But I sitting here jonsing for a Papa John's pizza and a Dairy Queen Blizzard - or some other ooey gooey ice cream dessert treat.

On a good note, we went out yesterday and ended up at a salvage store I love to shop for clothes in. I bought a pair of size TWELVE jeans. Granted they are stretch jeans, but seriously so were my size 24s. I must tell you that I still freak out over every new mile stone cause when I look at my body, it still looks exactly the same. Ok there are a few wrinkles in the folds of my skin where the fat is leaving faster than the skin can shrink... those I can see.. but other than that the dimentions are the same to me. I am wearing my ring finger rings on my pointer finger.. (my ring and my thumb are the same size, my middle finger is 1/4 to 1/2 size larger then my pointer was probably a full size or more larger) My medium non stretch shirt.. I wore that the other day out socializing and felt comfortable in it... now this.. wow. What size will I be when I lose the other 30-40 lbs I want to lose??

And on a new goal note.. I got a form from the state telling me it was time to renew my licence. I am now 30lbs away from being the weight on my licence. I don't think I can get there by the time I HAVE to renew - especially considering how I have been eating the past couple of days.. but I do want to try.

Sigh

I hate blogging when I am unhappy.. but alas here I am.

Im not all that sure why Im not happy. Granted there is the issues with my cat Em, but she's stabling out at the moment, so I should be thrilled with that. I saw my "goal" weight for a second time.. should be thrilled with that too.

But Im not. Im grumpy, and pissy, and I just want to eat everything. the good stuff, the bad stuff, it doesn't matter, I just want a constant stream of food. I am having a hard time putting off my meals till the 'general meal time' so I don't end up eating everything for the day before 11 am. I have just a few more minutes here before noontime, when I generally eat my salad. I try to put off lunch till 2 then my snack at 4 as I work till 6.

I wish I could say I don't have money so I can't walk down to the store and buy cookies.. but I do. But then again if i do that, I've done some walking, and that is exercise right? sigh - even i don't buy that.

but man cookies sound really good right about now. wonder if a salad will make that go away...

are you really paranoid if they are actually out to get you?

Is that title just way too long?? :)

Anyway.. it has been an emotionally draining couple of days for me. Back in the middle of a storm.. Wind and rain this time. Fortunately we still have power (knock wood) but the cable is down. No TV and no Cable make me go crazy!! to top it off, the cable company doesnt think they can get to us till MAY!!!

Well at least I have internet at work. shhh.. I should be working, but i've spent most of the morning catching up on things.

Yesterday I went to the vet with my kitty.. that wasn't a barrel of laughs either. I got home from the vet, and saw left over cookies on the counter. We went out on Sunday and I bought several different kinds of gourmet cookies.. I asked DH to get them out of the house, but he forgot. That's ok, cause if hadn't been those, Im sure I would have found something else just as unacceptable, if not worse. Sometimes you just want sugar!

scale is back at 191 this AM. Oh well. Tomorrow is a different day. I should have exercised this AM too, but I just couldn't do it. Im in a "its really difficult' phase. I don't know why sometimes I can get through it with out a problem, and other times it is like building a pyramid (ok it isn't really,, but it is REALLY HARD *whine whine*)

I so need a break. I dont want to leave my sick kitty, and i can't really leave my job as half the staff is on vacation.. but I so wish for time to stand still and I wish i could be transported to Tahiti.. lay on a sun soaked beach with NO FEAR of sun burning (hey, this is my fantasy so leave me alone) and have rich ice filled drinks with umbrellas and no calories delivered every 1/2 hour by Sven, a waiter/massage therapist.. . *sigh*

dare I say it

When I started NS, I set a silly arbotrary goal of 189.5 I wanted to get past 190 to give me some room to not get into the 200s again.

Well as of this morning, one of my scales said 190.5 the other said 188.5 I had a bite of my DH's breakfast, went back to bed for a couple of hours, and got up, went pee, and the first scale said 190.5 the other said 189.5

Im not recording it till they both say it.

Which knowing my luck could be another week. :)

Oh well. Back to exercising

Catch up

Well the internet is down at work, so Im going to blog on my computer’s word processor so maybe I might actually have decent spelling for once J

Lets see. What’s new? I had a heck of a week last week at work. Started out on Monday when I came in to work to find that burglars had used our offices to get through to another office. In the process they took my computer monitor, and as a result of all that, I couldn’t work so I was sent home.

Tuesday morning I came into work, and we set out to try to find a monitor. We have several old boxy ones, and unfortunately none of them worked. So I went out to Staples, bought a new one, tried to attach that one with no success. So I brought the computer up to our computer guys, and went home for the day.

Wednesday the computer was back, everything worked, and I got caught up on my work. Unfortunately though a snow storm came into town, and we were sent home early. Wednesday night the power went out.

Thursday – still no power. Couldn’t snow blow the driveway because the snow blower is electric start. Waited around till the neighbors finished with their driveway, they got us cleared out, but I still couldn’t head out to work because my DH drained my car battery trying to make coffee in his camping coffee maker. I ended up taking his truck to work, only to find that the office was only running on half power, so I was sent home.

Friday we were still on half power, so I did what I could, and then ended up taking the server to the computer guys, and again was sent home.

Weekend was pretty crappy, case we were with out power till Sat afternoon. It took forever for the house to warm up. I was still dealing with the after math of my cat’s turn for the worse in her health, and frankly I just wanted to eat everything in site. So I did. Somehow I didn’t gain any weight, but I am still stuck at 191.. So I vowed on Sunday to “stick to it” yea that went right out the window but I didn’t do as bad as I thought, because I saw 190. I’ve been having major headaches, and not sleeping well at all, so the 191 I saw this morning didn’t hurt that bad. I have a feeling that once I get a couple of really good nights sleep I’ll be in the 180s!!!

Monday my garage door started giving me trouble. It would start to close but not finish, so I left the door up and locked the inner door. Tuesday it did the same thing, but this time I tried to re-adjust the electronic eye to protect kids and animals running under the closing door, and it went down just fine.

I am also still obnoxiously cold. I can’t seem to warm up except when I am in the shower, or in bed for several hours. Its beyond frustrating.

Now I have a “wonderful” trip to look forward too. I get the complete and utter joy of driving down to Logan in my boss’ freakingly huge truck, in a freakingly annoying snow storm and yes, once again IN APRIL!! *grumble grumble grumble* I hate this. To top it off he is flying in at 6pm so my Friday night is ruined. So Im going to start out a little early, and stop at the outlet malls and do a little shopping :D or maybe not, since I will have to bring the bags with me and show up at the airport with my baggage.. that won’t be cool. *sigh* besides, I haven’t reached 189.5 and that is when I said I could go shopping and buy myself several new outfits. Although this is Wednesday.. I MIGHT actually make that.. (if Im going to dream, I might as well dream big)

I’ve also noticed that I REALLY could use a hair cut. Maybe I’ll wait till I hit that 189.5 goal and make a big day of it…

On another note, I am still ready to smack my co-worker upside the head. She irritates me to no freakin end. She just walked up to me and asked me what the code is to unlock the postal meter, which she has been given several times. Then she walks up to me and says ‘what have we determined about postage to Canada’ like she has discussed this with me in the past WHICH SHE HASN’T!!! Like it is my fault she has no idea how to post things that are going out of the country. This woman is old enough to be my mother… and she asks me the most inane questions, in the most demeaning way, like I should have anticipated her idiotic question and come up with the answer before she asked it. Arrgh!!
Must not lose control. Must be polite. Must be .. arrrgh!!!

wow.. its been a week?

I guess I didn't want to just whine about how I am trying not to whine..

Em is doing ok. The test results came in and she does have an infection, but the infection she has isn't causing all the symptoms, so the vet is pretty sure she's got a tumor. She has her good days, and her bad moments.. Im just sad it is raining out as she wants to go out. but more on her on the kitty blog.

Im muddling through. I had a weird moment the other morning, when I got up from bed wearing a t-shirt pj, that fell just below my hips. I looked and my legs actually LOOKED THIN! ok thin is a stretch, but I was amazed.

This weekend I worked on my letter to my mom - which I have still yet to mail - so I decided I was gonna go off plan. got pizza from Papa Johns (small which DH and I split) and went to the Chocolate Lover's Festivle - which was EXTREMELY disappointing. over half the vendors were out of samples. We went to this one of the first years they did it and loved it. Got mounds of yummy chocolate goodies. We went several years ago and it was much like it was this year.. Guess they just don't care.. which is probably why there were so few vendors as well. *sigh* but that's ok cause it helped me not stray so far from the plan. oh wait. there was also ice cream (b&j turtle soup which was disappointing) and bread.. naan which was yummy and whole wheat and another loaf which I haven't had much of.

Weight has hung out at 191. I lost seven pounds in the month of December, and about that since then. How sad is that?? At least I haven't gained.. so Im going to be happy for that. Im trying to make a point of getting up in the morning and exercising before I start my day, but it is so freakin hard. I did it monday and tuesday, but not this morning. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Clothes are getting floppier, so I am assuming Im due for more loss on the scale...

I've decided Im skipping Easter this year. What's the point, all of the ways to celebrate Easter that doesn't include prayer includes food. So Im just going to be thankful for the religious aspect of Easter - Thank you God for providing for my Salvation! - and maybe pat my rabbit :)