the holiday

well then.. Memorial day came and went, and I got an even lower # on the scale this morning. 187! Half pound away from 60lbs lost. I am determined to get there by may 30th. Why? cause my next shipment of NS food leaves on June 1st, and I want that 60lb bear in the box!! :)

I was so hoping to be in the 170s by my birthday, but that isn't looking like it is going to happen. Can't hurt to try, but seeing as I was 199 in Jan, I just don't see it.

It was a nice warm weekend.. took my convertable out of the garage. It needs some work, so I am not ready to commit to it being my only car. Although I can't wait to get rid of my current car.. I swear it is possessed..

Planted in my garden over the weekend. Got rid of all the mulch and the weed mat that did very little. Put in a new bush I bought, and some cat nip, and a bunch of seeds that were 100 years old so I doubt they will germinate, but it couldn't hurt.

we bought more lilac bushes, took the two that were in the front of the house and moved them to the side. We bought an arbor, and moved the wisteria plant from in front of the house to that over on the side by the big rock. Put a nice crab apple tree near that as well for balance. Put gutters up, calked the shower stall, and picked up most of my 'fat clothes' off the floor and put them in a closet for ease of storage, and so I can more easily get them to the resale shop. So my computer room was open to the cats for the first time since Jan, and they were THRILLED, and OBNOXIOUS!! I forgot how annoying they can be when I'm on line :)

Havent been to either of the movies I want to see yet.. just not in the mood I guess.

I did receive a reply from my mother several days /weeks ago. I've been avoiding it. I skimmed it. It was generally positive, but she is STILL negating my feelings and being the same ol obnoxious person she is. I worked very hard to put my feelings into words to express that everything was my feelings my impressions, and how I saw things. She spoke to my sister about one incident (where my sister was involved) and my mother had the audacity to tell me that I might be right on that one.. Um.. these were my feelings... so even if the facts of the day were completely off, you can't go calling me wrong, because how I feel is not wrong.. it simply is!! arrgh. I need to actually read every word she wrote, and respond some how. I guess what I want to tell her is that I am sick and tired of being told that I am not good enough. All of my life I was told that. By her, by teachers, by my class mates.. nothing I did was good enough. I get a B+, I could do better.. I get an A could have been an A+ Got in national honors society.. whooptie do.. I don't remember anything I ever did being a big deal, as a great achievement in their eyes.. it was always you could do better. Maybe I could have. But I was happy with what I did, and what I received for that work.. why couldn't they? it wasn't like I ever failed at anything.. wasn't like I drank, stayed out late, dated delinquints, etc..

sigh.

I am so not ready to deal with her.

but I am SOO ready to receive my little 60lb bear.. :D

Lets see. I also have a couple of NSVs.. most of them good, one of them not so. I am currently wearing a size 12 pant. 100% cotton jeans.. this is a huge one. I can't remember the last time I was that small. I swear I went right into a size 14 during school. I am also in a medium top.. My undies are a size 7 (but they were a small 7, and yet they fit comfortably.. ) and my new size 34c bra!! I went right into a size 36 when I was in 8th grade.

I went bra shopping sunday night. Took several in to the dressing room. Most fit, most fit well. One was a little short in the C department.. :) however when I put one of them on, I noticed I have a "floppy bit" under my right arm. It looks like a fat pocket with all the fat sucked out of it. It is NOT pretty, but its nice to know the fat is gone :) also noticed that most of my 'back fat' is gone too. I have a very pretty back when it isn't all lumpy.. it is still a little lumpy.. but not for long.. :)

Some days I feel like I am three years old

Apparently I have no idea how to deal with negative emotions other than feeding them something gooey and covered in caramel sauce. Heck, I would even mind feeding them cauliflower at this point. Its hard!

I have no idea what I've actually posted in the past so I'll just do a major recap/post.

first I wear glasses. i hate wearing glasses. I have contacts, but they are a pain too. but I am MAJORLY phobic about my eyes. I passed out at an eye exam once. It took me 8 years to be able to put contacts in. I still fight with my dr about those stupid eye drops. But I want lasix.. so I put on a brave front and went through the exam. that was NOT easy. the after care is quite daunting as well. But I needed to know if I was a candidate or not. cause if not I could stop feeling like a squeemish wimp. Well it looks like I am most likely not a candidate for lasix. I could do PKE, but that is painful and the after care is even MORE daunting.. So I have been stressing about that.

I finally mailed the letter to my mother just before mother's day (yes the timing probably sucked, but it was the increased postal rate that pushed me over the edge to send it) I got a letter back. I am not strong enough to read it, but it needed to be read, so I had my DH do it. This morning I finally asked him for a snippit of a summary of what it says. He tried to give me more info than I really was ready to process. (yes, I have major issues with this) and as he was telling me, I physically backed away from him and the letter. (see feeling like major wimp)

The car I bought several months ago is finally on the road, but still needs some pretty major repair. But I am driving it today :D convertable on a hot day is good, convertable that needs some major repair is not.

then my foster cats are having health problems.. my own cat is having health issues, and I so wanted to just feed my turmoil and I couldn't.. so I stood in the middle of the kitchen and stomped my feet like a three yr old too frustrated to stand herself.

at least it gave me a little more control over my emotions. It was cathartic to acknowledge I was frustrated and overwhelmed and to show it in some way that wasn't hurting myself or anyone else. I did reach for something to eat I shouldn't have, but I ended up only taking two small bites, which resulted in about 50 calories instead of 200 or more (cause prior to NS I wouldn't have stopped) but I so need to learn how to deal with these emotions in some way that doesn't involve chocolate or stomping my feet..

Dh says mom's letter is positive, that she is apologetic..

I need to find the strength to actually read it.
I'm surprised I have the strength to actually look at the envelope (yes, I have issues I am quite fond of that river in Egypt called Denial)

well wouldn't you know

I was watching Oprah yesterday.. the one where she and Gail went to a spa with contest winners from the O magazine. I generally don't like the episodes that are about her and Gail, but I love anything to do with spas, so I sat through it.

i wasn't thrilled with Ms O. laughing at Gail's pain and terror, but I guess if you are someone's bestest friend, you know what they are ok with and comfortable with. Honestly though, I didn't like it.

What I did find intersting was when they did the body fat percentages. Gail was 30% (and 160 something pounds but she's tall) and Oprah was 37% fat. say what? I think she looks amazing! They didn't state her weight or height, but they did mention the body fat..

My body fat is 35%.

Hun? Yes, this confuses me greatly. I don't get how I can have less body fat than O.

I'm just going to sit here dazed and confused for a while.

the evil lying trickster scale

Now I am a compulsive weigher. I step on the scale every time I go by it. good idea? I don't know but I know it keeps me in line and it keeps me from fearing to get on it.. little fluxuations in my weight no longer ruin my day. Because I do this, I know that if I get a horrid night's sleep I gain three pounds. I know that I burn off 3-5 pounds at night while sleeping. I know that a binge somehow takes two days to put weight on me. i have yet to figure that one out. You'd think I'd put it on right away but nooooo.. it is always the day after that I am up. its bizarre, but it is the way it works. Guess it gives me time to work it off, which I totally appreciate.

Anyway.

last night before bed I weighed in at 191.. This morning I had to get up way too early to run an errand.. so I stepped on the scale still half asleep. 191. i was frustrated that it wasn't in the 180s, but I dismissed it and went about my morning. I exercised, had something to drink, had a small square of a cherry dessert bar my Dh made for his mom yesterday (i love these things) and brought some home of.. took a shower, and then for some reason got back on the scale.

now usually the drink and the snack would put me up two pounds..

scale said 188.5!!

now lets not forget my soaking wet hair too... lol.

so the scale, it is evil, it lies, and it likes to play tricks on me.. and I've come to accept that.

My massage was interesting on friday. I was a little late getting there, so the therapist told me she'd have to stop a few minutes early. But the entire masage felt incredibly rushed, like she needed to get through it as fast as possible. Part of me liked it as it was invigorating, but I like my massages to relax me. It has also been a while, so I had some bad spots, and I am actually still soar in a few places. The scale has yet to reflect any noticable difference since the massage, but I don't think one will do it. I've got one schedualed in two weeks, we'll see if that makes a difference.

and some how I schedualed my annual physical for my birthday. Smart move? who knows.. but I like to say it is a gift I give to myself of good health.

same ol same ol

well I'm still hovering around 190! arrgh!! Of course I'm still shoving my face with hershey kisses, so I really have no one to blame but myself.

I am going to have a massage on Friday, see if that helps out. I truely think it does..

i went out shopping last week for new clothes. It is so discouraging and encouraging at the same time, because most of the clothes I grabbed FIT ON me, they just didn't fit with me.. and I want clothes that look good... not those that will do any more (although you wouldn't know that by what I am wearing today!! arrgh)

I've been in a really blue place lately too. i am trying so hard not to let it envelope my life, but it is such a battle. Again I'm hoping the massage will help this. if it does I might consider trying to get my medical insurance to help out paying for it... will have to talk to my Dr when my anual comes up in June.

I'm also considering just registering my convertable. it will be a waste of money, but it will make it a lot easier to get it on the road so I can get my old car off the road and sold. Hopefully it won't be much... considering how many miles are on it and how little I paid for it. *crosses fingers*

so that's about it.. interesting hun?

quick update

not a lot to report. weight has been fluxuating between 189 and 191.. oh well. I am thinking about getting massages again to see if that kick starts the losing again. I think it will. I'm just having a hard time getting to one. ok mostly cause I haven't called for an appointment..

I went shopping on thursday. Found some cute clothes at the salvage store on wednesday after work.. I was so excited. Friday.. nothing. well that's not true, I bought yet another brown blazer/jacket. Its cute. I probably shouldn't have since I already own a brown blazer that fits, but this one has some different structure to it, so i did. it was originally $80 and I got it for $30. :)

the mall was a huge disappointment. it is going WAY too upscale. They put in a "Coach" shop for goodness sake! JCPenny had some ok clothes, but nothing that I bought. I didn't do Sears, as I assumed I was going to another mall on Friday and would do it there. I did get my hair cut afterwards. I'm not thrilled with it at this point, but I'm hoping after I wash it I will.

Friday I went intown to a higher scale shop. t-shirts for $30 and jeans for $100. I almost bought an $80 jacket (what is it with me and jackets??) but the coloring was a bit too washed out / bland for me. if it had been a smidge more vibrant I would have adored it!

I came home to wait for the carpet guy (we are having carpet installed by HD) and he ran as late as he possibly could. It was almost 3:30 by the time I was ready to leave the house again, and by that time I couldn't get anywhere and back at a decent time, so I stayed home and played pogo. stupid move with the books I want to read, and the clothes I need to sort through, but that is what I did. I at least got my exercise in.

I'm going to head to the outlet and the other mall tomorrow. I don't really need much more, I just want to find a few more pieces I love. I could use a few warmer sweaters that fit. We'll see.