Merry Pegan Christmas

Was having a discussion with someone the other day about how the atheists/non-Christians are trying to hijack Christmas and turn it into the "holiday season".. calling it a holiday tree, making people who say "Merry Christmas" feel guilty for forcing their religion on others..

Well let me tell you.. there is about 1% of Christmas that is Christian.. remember when people talk about the birth of Jesus.. THAT is Christian Christmas.. EVERYTHING ELSE IS PAGAN! Seriously folks.. Study your history. The tree.. pagan. Giving gifts.. pagan.. When the Catholic church was trying to convert people, they knew they would never get them to give up their annual holidays of winter and spring solstice festivals, so they stuck Christian holidays on top of them. Jesus wasn't born in December you know.. they just picked that day cause it happened to be close enough to the pagan winter festival. Same with Easter!!

So for the most part.. Christmas festivities, festivals, trimmings and trappings are not Christian. You do not need to feel persecuted if someone says "Ho Ho Ho" at you..

Now if they drag you in front of a creche and preach about how wonderful the coming of the Baby was.. well then yes, you are being persecuted.. (btw.. the coming of Jesus was a pretty wonderful thing)

no crime fighting today... because it's raining!

I was just out and it started to rain and I was reminded of the PPG episode where it was a gloomy day and so there for there was no crime - because it was raining, and certainly no crime fighting.. because it's raining.. :)

Last night was annoying. I wish I didn't go, but sometimes you have to do what you don't want to do.. although I still haven't quite figured out why. If I was smart I would have said "oh darn! I have a prior commitment that night" and been done with it. Maybe I will next year... although maybe next year they will go to some place I want to go.. although there isn't much food worth giving up an evening home for any more.

I had a salad that said it came with a pomegranite vinegrette.. but I was left with a greasy taste in my mouth - kinda like what you get when you eat light microwave pop corn on a regular basis and then you have a bag of regular.. I had two tablespoons of mashed potatoes - ok - a large stalk of broccoli w/ some cheese - nothing special - a table spoon of mac & cheese w/ truffle oil - did not like - and a few thin onion rings - ewww. Steak was good, but I just wasn't enjoying it and ate maybe a quarter of it. Got to be in the mood for it. So what did I do? I cut up 1 oz of it and used it for my protein serving for lunch today.. I'm planning on having the rest of it for dinner tonight along with some sort of veggie.

I went out last night after the dinner, and tried to buy greens for the foster rabbits. Local market closed at 10. Went up to wally world. Man I HATE wally. I got there at 10:30ish, and the produce person was throwing out the 'old' produce. I asked if anyone had ever talked to them about donating it to the shelter. She said they didn't do that for fear if anything happened to the animals who ate it (they said farmers had asked previously). Um.. you JUST took it off the shelf. If I had been 10 minutes earlier I could have bought it.. but they refused, and threw it all away.. what a waste! Heck I'd even feel better if they gave it to farmers to use..

Anyway..

Scale said 182.5 this morning. I felt icky too - but then I've felt icky for a couple of days. However this morning I couldn't get going, so I grabbed my rice dream Ice pop I bought a couple of weeks ago when the store was selling them for 1/2 price. It was only so/so and I ate about 3/4ths of it before giving up and throwing it away. I then went after my DH's cookies, had one bite (despite taking two) and thew it away (and putting the second one back) Then reached for one of my NS desserts.. fortunately I only had a bite before I stopped. Don't quite know what got into me this morning, but all I really really wanted to do was go back to bed and have purr therapy all day. But no.. I got up like a good girl and exercised.. *sigh*

and when I get home tonight I have to grab the rabbit and bring her into the shelter to have her ears checked.. I just want to go to bed darn it all.. watch Heros and Shrek the Halls.. What is it with me and actually having a life.. darn it all.. make it stop!!

:)

181

I swear, that scale enjoys laughing at me.

Wonder what is going to happen tomorrow since I have a company dinner tonight. I'm STARVING right now, and the dinner is two hours away. and it is at a steak house, that only serves steak.. which I am NOT interested in.. So either I'm going to run home and have a little something to eat and just have a salad, or I'm going to jump in with both feet and eat a huge steak I don't really want.. I just don't know.

This day started off badly. I wanted to go to the bank, and didn't get to go. I couldn't find a deposit slip nor could I find my ATM card (i know its in the house somewhere.. just wasn't where I was expecting it to be) so I didn't do that. Wanted to go to the library and get a new book on tape, thought it was tuesday so I waited the five minutes till they opened at 9:30 - but it is wednesday and they don't open till 12:30!! arrgh. Came to work, totally unmotivated to work.. don't want to be here, don't want to go to party, just want to go home and sleep.. take phone call for me telling me I won tickets to the Nutcracker - but I can only go on Saturday.. *sigh* guess my Saturday is right full now. Christmas fairs in the AM, drive boss to Logan in the afternoon, and then the show in the PM. I'm never getting sleep am I? Maybe Sunday?? ha ha ha

Honestly I'm fighting off some sort of cold/allergy/sinus thing. my face hurts, my nose and lips are totally dehydrated despite drinking more water than a fish, and I'm so very very tired. I also feel the depression just hanging out in the background. I hope it gets destracted and goes away..

I just went scrounging and found some grapenuts.. had a handful.. hopefully that will take the edge off things..

181

Well so much for the half pound losses each day.. although truth be told I didn't sleep well and I got up and weighed in very early.. (ok I weighed in very early at 182, and weighed in again half an hour later at 181) maybe if I had been able to sleep in I'd be less.. who knows. At least I got my exercise in..

I have to admit a few things.. Gonna start slowly.. first of all I have come to the conclusion that I have body dismorphic disorder. I think I'm HUGE, when in reality I'm in size 12 jeans and I'm actually wearing an XS top. Granted it is stretchy, but it doesn't look gaudy and tight. My jacket is a S.. and I STILL hate photographs of myself. I think I look fat and bloated and I actually think I look way better in person then I ever do in photographs..

Also - while shopping for party dresses, I caught sight of myself from a weird angle in one of those three way mirrors.. I actually have a side that I don't like. It was the weirdest thing.

I must also admit that I know I am weird. How on earth can I like and appreciate myself for me, but hate how I look? I guess if I ever figure that out, I'll probably have the answer to life - :D

I'm still trying to decide if I want plastic surgery to remove the BFAs.. I do, but when I psych myself up for it, I talk myself into getting my pooch (I have a roll above my belly button) removed, and heck if I'm going to do that, why don't I have my thighs fixed too.. *rolls eyes* Then I realize I'm asking for way too much, going to put myself through way too much pain and anquish, and have scars I know I'm not going to like, and spend way WAY too much money on vanity.. I don't want to be vain.. I just want to look good..

Yes, I know.. I'm weird.

But enough for today.. more confessions later..

181!

Wow.. Look at me lose weight! Starting last week I decided to not eat after 6pm. Granted sometimes it was 7.. but for some reason it really seemed to help. Especially considering I had quite a bit of left over cake yesterday.

I've never really believed those experts that say don't eat several hours before you go to bed.. mostly because a whole bunch of other experts said it doesn't matter when you eat your calories as long as you don't go over your alotment..

well apparently to my body - right now - it does. I'm going to try to keep this up till Christmas. Not going to be easy.. especially since I work till 6pm.. but I'm going to try to eat as close as possible to when I get home, and be done with it for the night.. wish me luck - I'm going to need it!

I didn't mention I bought another XS shirt over the weekend. this FLOORS me.. of course I put on a size L dress and it was very tight, so *shrug* who knows.. (I'm convinced the L was a juniors though...)

181.5

I made the wreaths for the shelter last night. Went out to shop again for party dresses. Found quite a few I really liked.. but they were all a little too much for any function I could ever imagine going to. Most were sleeveless too. In fact there really weren't any that had sleeves. Little cap sleeves maybe.. but that was it. Um.. what about us people with BFA?? *sigh*

Need to work out, need to shower, need to get to the shelter to get rid of those wreaths and get some meds for spud - his eye is goopy.. need to clean a bit, pick up after the bunnies.. take some photos of everyone.. and I'm still here on the computer..

off I go

182

another lazy day.. Went shopping for party dresses again.. nothing really jumped out at me. I realize I really like silver type dresses..

Bunnies are eating me out of house and home.. so are the cats for that matter :)

182.5

Yea yea yea.. I was expecting it though. Who can eat only carbs for a day and not gain weight.. no matter how little food you think you are eating :)

Unfortunately, the weight brought back the depression.. and with a vengeance. Ok it wasn't just the weight.. I tried and tried and tried to think of a reason to go out shopping today and I couldn't come up with one. Such great deals out there to be had, but I didn't need any of it, husband didn't need any of it, and frankly I don't have anyone else to buy for. Which hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'm still not talking to my parents. I wrote the letters, made the overtures, went to the family function, and even suggested to my sister that the next time they are in town that we all to out to eat. A nice neutral place to get together, with a limited time of interaction, and having the boys there would be a great distraction.. my mother sent word back through my sister that she's not interested. Too scared or afraid or what ever of upsetting me again.*sigh* was suggested that she might want to do counseling with me, but honestly I'm done with councilors. I know what my issue is, I've worked through it.. if she wants to go get counseling to figure out why she refuses to see me as an individual then by all means, let her. But I doubt she thinks she is in any way shape or form the problem. So be it.

I also have NO idea what to buy the boys. Ben is 8 and Sam is 2 (3 in Jan) Since I never see them (even when I was seeing my family on a regular basis I rarely got to see them because my sister never bothered to let me know when they were going to be in town) I don't know what they are in to - despite my asking and trying to gain some incite into buying them gifts. - heck just even getting to know them. But my sister says 'they want everything' well as someone who got presents from people who put NO thought into it for most of my life, I refuse to just buy anything. They don't seem to know or care how much that stings. I would get gifts from my grandmother in England.. clothes that were way too small for the most part. my mother never bothered to let her know that out of the entire box of gifts she'd send over, my sister would get them all. There was make up sent the year I found out I was allergic to make up. One year we went over to visit them, and I said I really liked the white chocolate they had over there and we couldn't get it at home, so I got chocolate that year.. but for the most part, I got shafted.. over and over and over. So much so I dreaded the holidays. More than once I told my mother to not bother giving me gifts.. I meant it! I doubt she ever believed me. Nothing would have been preferable to gifts that were useless and meaningless to me. One or two is understandable, but all but one or two is not - and rarely the one or two were accidental. It wasn't because she thought I would like it.

So anyway.. no one to shop for, more evidence that I am a lonely ol idiot in this world..

DH doesn't understand. He thinks it is self loathing.. it really isn't. I like me. I like me a lot. I think I'm kinda neat and cool. I know he loves me, I know God loves me, and I love me. However, I have to live in this great big world called Earth with millions of other people.. and I'm constantly getting the message that I suck. Carries much more weight when it is from your own family. There is only so much of that one can take before it really starts to get to you.

I try to make friends too. Honestly I do. But I often feel like I'm globbing on to someone and trying to force them to be my friend. I HATE that feeling. DH says I just need to try harder.. but as the old saying goes, you can't make someone like you...

So what did we end up doing? we went out shopping for party dresses.. :D Silly I know. Didn't have much luck either. Had a lot more fun doing it this past summer. Probably my BFAs getting in the way again. Ended up with an A line black lace over white satin 40s inspired. First look at it and I laughed at my DH for picking it out.. but I was up for trying anything (tried on a few juniors dresses too..) and I was surprised by how much I liked it. Only other dress I liked was another type I never would have thought I would have liked.. but I did. Only this was was $170, and the one I bought was $90, with 40% off and a $10 coupon so I got it for $44.

It is for the Dh's company Christmas party. My company Christmas party is Wednesday. I'm thinking of skipping out. It is at a steak house, and frankly I haven't been in the mood to eat steak for months. There is no other option.. it is steak or steak.. My boss's husband runs the joint, and it is quite nice from what I hear...

Finally I wanted to mention that I had a dream about Emerald Thursday morning. A nice Thanksgiving treat. We just hung out together.. for some reason I wanted to go swimming and she came along. At the end I hugged her and kissed her and thanked her for hanging out with me, and I went to kiss her belly and found a pretty large open wound on her stomach. It didn't bother me at the time, but it has been since then. I keep trying to dismiss it, since I just pulled a scab off of Kit's belly from her spay.. but it bothers me. I so do miss Em terribly..

181 or maybe 179!

:) either I made my thanksgiving goal or I didn't.. depending on which scale I decide to use. My old one (the one I've been using to post my weights recently) was 181.. the old one FINALLY moved down to 179!!

I didn't do too badly today. didn't weight, measure, or really keep track. I had about a tablespoon (ok heaped) of stuffing.. 3/4ths of a roll, cornbread with cranberries and apples and a small scoop of broccoli casserole (with cream of mush soup and velveta) and some turkey. No gravy.. no corn.. no sweet potatoes that were so sweet they could have been dessert (or so I was told)

Had a small piece of stealth health gingerbread.. was yummy! it is also very thick and heavy, so the small piece did it for me.

I had a small turkey sandwich around 5.. turkey and a roll. and I've made it a point to not eat again.. I really wanna.. and I love that stuffing, but I don't want to see 184 on the scale again.. so I'm forgoing.

I also exercised this AM.

Not sure what I'm doing tomorrow. Lots of GREAT deals out there, but nothing that I really feel I want or need.. *shrug* I've always gone out on black friday.. seems weird not to go at all.. suppose I could stay in bed all day Sat.. :) we'll see..

182

not too shabby. although why my back up scale STILL says 180.5 I have no idea. I swear they are playing tricks on me.

I didn't want to exercise this morning. With every fiber of my being. I tried to talk myself into it, explaining how much better I'd feel, how I'd wake up, how I'd have energy, I'd get warm (I was cold) etc.. but I just couldn't do it. Much like you can't bring yourself to put your had on a hot stove.. although for whole different reasons..

I went to the DR, got my depo shot. Went to the Christmas Tree Shops and found some nice containers for goodies to give to the shelter staff. Went to work, left work at 1:30ish (isn't my boss great) and went over to the shelter and got bunnies :) 8 little rabbits and a mom too. hum.. dasher dancer prancer.... he he he

I'm tired, grumpy and I have a headache, and while I love having so many animals in the house, it is a good reminder why I don't have so many animals in the house all the time.. TOO MUCH WORK! ;)

183

well this is starting to freak me out. Don't eat after 6pm and lose half a pound.. seems to be a trend.. :)

Annoying thing is my back up scale is still reading 180.5 it refuses to acknowledge the two pounds I've recently lost, and will not give me a number in the 170s. mean stupid scale!

I never did finish working out last night. So I finished it off this morning. Tried to convince myself to do more, but that small little voice that seems to hold so much power said "There will be no episode recorded on Thanksgiving.. so you'll be out a day anyway.. so why bother??" And yes, it has that power, and yes, I listened to it. When I tried to get it to shut up, it reminded me that I exercised of my own accord on Sat and Sun.. so i was actually ahead of the game.

Went to the grocery store last night to stock up on Thanksgiving day supplies. Got a 18lb bird. It was about 8pm, and the place was practically empty. Despite our being very careful to keep the bird drippings away from the produce, the moronic clerk threw the bird to once side of his belt, and the roaster pan we were keeping it in on another, then proceeded to put our rolls in the roaster pan. Someone NEEDS to educate young people on the dangers of raw meat!! (as I had a similar incident at Wal*Mart recently and got yelled at by the clerk)

after the trip to the grocery store, I proceeded to clean up the Rabbit Room. It used to be my craft room, but I never craft in there, and the rabbit lives in there now.. A while back I bought a bale of hay, and stuck it in the corner. Well the rabbit took to sitting on it. I forgot all about the fact that I've taught my rabbit to sit in hay (aka her litterbox) when she has to go pee. Well when I trained her (ok she trained herself) she trained my new kitten. So we had rabbit poop and pee, and kitten poop and pee. Went all the way through the hay on to the hardwood floors!! arrgh!! Fortunately the floors stood up to it. They show some wear, but you wouldn't immediately think that the floor has been urinated on. I gathered up the unpeed on hay and put it in a big box.. so hopefully this won't be a problem again.

I then went down into the kitten room to clean that up to make the switch when the house guests come over. I'm kitty sitting for Teddy and Gypsy. Well the baby REFUSES to stay in his box, and is now getting into all kinds of trouble. They were going to stay in my office for a bit, but there are too many hidy holes for him. So now T&G will be in my office - maybe even in the rabbit room for a while - and the fosters will stay put. Probably a good thing as the mom is infested with tape worms - but that is a story for a different blog.

Went to the shelter to get meds for the tapeworms, and they have baby bunnies! oh how cute they are. I'd love to foster them... but talk about a ton of work!! and it would be for three more weeks.. and I know I'd fall head over heals for them. They need a lot of socializing, and they are currently in the education program, so that is probably best for them.

Ok, all caught up again.. nice to actually have something to blog about for a change :D

500th post - and 183.5

amazing what happens when you stick to the plan, isn't it.

What is scarey, is my second scale has been stuck at 180.5 all through the ups and downs of my first scale.. so what do I really weight.. I have no idea and I don't believe it really matters..

Short week this week.. yea! :) so much to do thought. I'm cat sitting, so I need to move my fosters out of their room into another, clean the foster room, clean the house, there was some shopping I wanted to do, but it isn't looking like that is going to happen.. :(

Last night was difficult for me. I had a TON of dreams, very loud and obnoxious ones too. Fortunately I don't really remember them. I know Muffin tried to wake me up a couple of times, and so did Jack.. *sigh* why can't I have GOOD dreams??

Well I suppose I should probably do work while at work..

184

and I'm off shopping for the day. I volunteered to make two wreaths for the shelter to donate to another place for an auction. Going to make a cat and a dog themed one.. wish me luck

184.5

arrgh. that will teach me to buy cookies

but then what do I do right after I get such a disappointing weight? I go and eat the rest of the cookies *ugh* I am never ever going to learn am I?

Less than a week to thanksgiving. Maybe if I don't eat at all between now and then I"ll see 179, but I'm not going to do that. *sigh* What on earth is it going to take to get me back on track??

Took all the cats to the vet. that was not fun. 350$ too. which wasn't nice.. but at least they are done for another year. I might go a year and a half at this point as long as everyone remains healthy. Eli needs a dental... that will be another 150$.. Why do I have six cats??

Oh yea.. they bring me joy.. that's it :D

I am motivated to list my car for sale finally. I hope that I'm lucky and list it just as someone who's looking for this type of car goes looking for it. I want it GONE..

of course I also want the garage cleaned out, and a fire place installed in my living room, and to lose 20 more pounds, and to win a million dollars..

heck, if you are going to dream, you might as well dream big (make that a billion dollars)

Still 184

But.. I only weighed early in the AM, so there is a chance I would have gotten a lower number if I could have weighed in a little later.

But I exercised (the full time) and got a shower in.. so it was a good morning regardless of the scale.

I was productive at work.. usually am on Friday. I do billing, and accounts receivable, and mail out catalogs..

Went out after work and delievered my old love seat to someone who needed it. VERY excited about that. I hate throwing things away, and if I can see them get a new life, then I'm happy. She traded me a cat tree for it.. so I'm thrilled, she's thrilled, it was a good night all around.

Then went to Chatilas Bakery in Salem NH. all their products are sugar free. I found out about their website / bakery from someone else who mentioned they did mail order. I just hate buying sugar free products like that taste un-tasted..so I figured I'd make it down there one day and try them out. I haven't had much of anything but a small sample of the pumpkin pie they had out and a cookie. THe cookie was good. A little dry, but it absolutely does not taste like a sugar free cookie. I have high hopes for the other stuff.

then stopped at wally world. Saw the cutest little dog jacket.. I couldn't resist buying it and forcing it upon Kit, who while wasn't pleased with the whole situation, who looks absolutely adorable in it, and didn't freak out as badly as I expected.

184

how frustrating that I have to constantly repeat to myself - food will only cause more problems than it will solve, and I am happy. But I got through the night with out eating off plan, so there.

So far so good today too.. however it took a great effort to get out of the bed this morning, so no exercise.. will do it tonight.. I have got to get back on the ball and do it in the AM. My body prefers it.. although you would think it if REALLY prefered it it would wake up and not be so grumpy and achy in the morning..

Its raining and gloomy here. What I want to do - since I'm not eating - is go shopping. Trade in one addiction for another. At least I'm aware of it.

Kit N. is back to her cute obnoxious self. I went downstairs to feed the foster, and ended up in the media room watching tv for a bit. She came down, ran around like a crazy kitten for a while, then disappeared. She reappeared a few minutes later with her mouse. She is JUST TOO DARN CUTE!! I'm so glad we decided to keep her, or at least we listened when she said she was staying.

I wasn't going to get on the scale

but I did. Then I was going to forget the weight. I didn't. I wasn't going to post about it. But yet I'm here.. (185)

really stinks when you have a bad day and you gain weight..

I must remember that food doesn't solve a single problem, and creates a few more of its own. Just so hard when you are feeling miserable and refined sugar is spiking in your brain..

I tried working out this morning, but got very sick to my stomach. not sure why. I had a piece of corn toast (100 calories) a little spray butter and a glass of water.. I often eat right before, and often during, I work out.. so that can't be it. I just had the spray butter on some veggies the other day, so I don't think that's it, and my DH has been eating the bread regularly, so there is nothing wrong with that. *shrug* I'll just have to do it tonight.

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about my weight at all if I could just cure my body dismorphic disorder. Seriously I still feel HUGE. I see the small pants I'm putting on (I have a 10, a 12 and I'm in the moment in a 14 that is huge on me) and each and every time I swear there is no way they are going to fit over my butt.. there is no way my legs are going to fit in them.. and lets not get me started on my BFAs..

I type that.. but then I remember that I really want to get into single digit pants (size 8) so maybe I would still worry about my weight.. *sigh* it is not going to happen unless I make a major re-commitment to this diet and right quick..

although so far today I'm only 110 calories over my NS.. with that piece of toast I had this morning..

Nice day today.. Fall's last gift to us New Englanders.. Then its rain, and cold and snow.. *sigh* I REALLY need to buy a winter jacket!! I'm using an old old one that is unstructured, so at least it doesn't look huge on me, but it feels huge on me. Maybe sometime this weekend I can go looking. Although I did see an ad for Black Friday for Kohls, they are going to have a cashmere jacket for cheap. I like cashmere.. It actually keeps me warm - which is a miracle, as I am ALWAYS cold. I have heard that cashmere isn't enviromentally friendly, but heck, if I can use less heat because I have warm clothes, isn't that at least a wash?? and it isn't like I won't own it forever because I'm too frugal for my own good.. I think I bought the jacket I'm wearing now in the 90's.

ugh! 184

I should not weigh every day.. it does get frustrating on me from time to time..

However this morning was VERY difficult on me. I ended up eating half a dozen oreo cookies, and an extra protein bar (only has 95 calories - but still) I couldn't stop wanting to stuff my face.

Fortunately now at 11am it seems to have finally passed.. not to say that I wouldn't happily eat an entire chocolate cake, but I think I could say no if it came in.

didn't exercise this AM. Had to take a shower and take care of Kit. She seems to be recovered, but we'll continue the anitbiotics just to be on the safe side. Temp last night was 103.5 this morning 102.5 I guess she believes in these half points :) My thermometer is digital, so it registers .1 degree of variation..

183.5

well that's good I suppose. WOuld have like to see some more movement, but at least it didn't go up.. which it usually does a day after a splurge..

Kit is still sick. Fever was down to 103 this AM.. but she's already paranoid of me.. I grab her and bring her to the vet, I grab her and give her medication, I grab her and give her fluids.. I fear there isn't going to be any love for me for a while. Hopefully she forgives fast.

I got in half my exercise this AM. I was waiting for the vet to call back, and then giving fluids to the kitten.

I am however getting my water in.. The water cooler at work had a leak over the weekend, and so they were emptying it out, so I've had three glasses already :) Got two more on my desk that I'll polish off. so that is about 10 8 oz glasses, and we haven't even mentioned the water I had this AM.. :)

On the flip side.. DH has decided he wants to have a big family thanksgiving (ugh) so he started inviting people last night and as of this point no one has said no. I feel so bad for the kitties.. they are going to be swamped.. (and so am I when you get right down to it.. I'm about as up for this as they are) But there will be turkey for everyone, so it should sooth a lot of nerves :D

Ok, I'm going to admit this

I went out with my friend and her husband last night (see Olive Garden) and the last time we went out as a foursome, was Jan. I had lost about 50lbs at that point and was getting some really great complements. She didn't give me any - but then again she had just gained a ton of weight - I'm assuming because of her many major family stressors going on in her life at the time.

Shortly after that she started Medifast. Lost a ton of weight.

So when I saw her, she looked great. Lost 90lbs as of last count.. and she's short. and now she's thin and short and freakin adorable..

So I felt like a clod, and a fat failure for only losing 70 lbs.. only 20 lbs since she lost her 90..

*sigh* I still feel like a failure even now typing this.

Yes, I know it is insane.. yes I know that her weight loss has nothing to do with mine..

but it doesn't stop that stupid insane voice in my head

183.5

wouldn't you know it.. I go out to eat at the olive garden, have stuffed chicken, eat pumpkin cheesecake, and I loose a pound! :) Too bad that doesn't happen every time.

Then went to the comedy improve show to benifit the shelter. It was a fun time. They had a door prize and a 50/50 raffle. Amusing thing was I was three numbers off from winning both prizes.. Just too funny (since three is my 'lucky' number)

I got my exercise in today.. so I am once again all caught up. It was difficult today, and i had to take two breaks.. so frustrating how some days I can get right through it and be ready for more, and some days it feels like I'm climbing mount everest with out equiptment..

Kit has a bit of a fever today. She's been very sleepy since her spay. I got concerned and took her temp. Went out to get her some fluids and some groceries, came home to this..

Sigh - 184.5

What the heck??

not going to worry about it, not going to worry about it.. I'm just going to try to do my best eating right and let my body worry about what weight it wants to be. So far so good today. Although I am going out to eat at Olive Garden tonight.. so who knows.

I did have my first 'thin' dream the other night. Dreamed I was in a mall or a large gathering place and there were helium balloons, and I had to worry about them lifting me off the ground. It was a very interesting feeling - and even more interesting that I actually had a thin dream. I had gotten a lot of complements previous, which might have had something to do with it.

Even though I'm still 20-30 lbs more than I remember being in HS (155ish) I am smaller in many areas than I ever was. I remember my fingers being a 7.5 size. now they are pretty much a 6.5. My class ring is way too big on me. Some of my other clothes from HS are big. Pants are still too small.. *shrug* that's ok.

I just really want my arms to be thinner, and my thighs.. I'd like to be in a single digit pant. I'm currently wearing a size 10 - yes it is a freak occurance. I'm generally a 12 and 14.

but again, I'm trying not to stress about it. THis is my life, and I want to not have to worry about food. I never have wanted that - of course and that is what lead to my being 260lbs ish. I just wish I could look at myself and not see the lumps and the bumps..

The darkness is hovering around me again. I'm hoping it will go away with out over taking me.

184.5

I shouldn't grumble too hard about that number.. the lack of morning exercise, and the total off plan eating the day before should have given me a higher number..

But I did sleep through the night *yea* and I did exercise in the AM *yea* and I've been pretty much on plan today except for the excessive peanut butter.. so hopefully tomorrow will be a better number.

Lets see... the kitten was excessively sleepy yesterday, and is still kinda out of it today, but definately more interested in life than yesterday.. so she's slow to recover. She's just so freakin cute.. She's helping me blog :D


I cleaned up my email.. its amazing the junk I think I want later.. I just deleted most of it. there were a few things that needed attention, but not much. Filed away a few letters from friends.

I am feeling a little blue because of some online groups I'm in.. but I must remember that online is just that.. online.. and it is rare that you make and keep a friend on line.

Well I'm off to watch the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special. Yes, DH is VERY into Thanksgiving..

another rant

wow.. two so close together.. look at me go.

I love animals. the more I learn about humans, the more I appreciate animals, cause frankly I've seen too much..

So I hang out at craigslist.org and a few other pet websites.. and I'm shocked by the ignorance. There was a woman with a 3 yr old looking to get rid of their beautiful cat because the 3yr old wouldn't leave the cat alone.. um.. how about teaching your child responsiblity?? or putting up baby gates so the kid can't get to the cat?? arrrgh.

But my main rant for now is people lableing their pets for sympathy. the 'i have two feral cats who are very close to me'.. um.. feral means they are NOT close to you and want to rip your face off instead of be anywhere near you. Maybe they were once strays, but you took them into your house, you feed them, they are now just two cats..

I see feral, stray, shelter all being used as adjectives to describe pets.. drives me nuts.. Unless they are currently feral, currently stray or currently in a shelter, they are just your pet.

Today I saw one that said she had four katrina cats.. um.. what? what does the fact that you rescued these cats from the hurricane have to do with anything?? IT DOESN'T! You just want more sympathy so you can get help with your real problem of having found a stray dog. *rolls eyes*

People, take responsiblity for your pets.. By refering to them as to what they were, you lessen the relationship you have with them now and make them appear that much more disposable.

Just so you all know:

fe·ral (fîr'əl, fěr'-) Pronunciation Key
adj.

Existing in a wild or untamed state.
Having returned to an untamed state from domestication.
Of or suggestive of a wild animal; savage: a feral grin.

so basically, anything you can touch and not bring back a bloody stump, is not feral.. it is stray.. and if it is living in or around your house and you feed it on a regular basis, it isn't stray.. it is yours.

184.5

well that wasn't the number I was hoping for this morning.. but then again I woke up at 3am with sinus issues, and had a full glass of water along with my medication.. so maybe tomorrow.

The Kitten's surgery went well. Stopped by a friend's house afterwards. I met a wolf.. which was very interesting. much more stupid dog like then I would have thought.. not to imply that I think the wolf is stupid by any means.. just happy and lumbering and running around like those silly stupid dogs..

but with all the visiting, I didn't get to my exercise last night. With the sinus issues this morning I didn't do it then either. I'm tired and grumpy, so I don't know if I'll get to it tonight either... but I'll try. I know it is good for me.

Baby shower for a woman at work today. She's going to be having her son right quick.

I finally got all but 1/2 of my acrylic nails off. the piece that is left I tried to soak off earlier, so it is rather thin and not bothering me at all..

other than that I'm tired, cold, and grumpy, so I'm going to not inflict myself on this post any more :)

185 sorta

ok, now the scale is just being mean.. and I know it. I had to get up very early this morning. I weighed, went and took a shower - so my hair was soaked with water, got back on the scale and got 184.5.. So I'm going to take this day as a pass.

Slept through the night WITH OUT chemical help.. shock of shocks.. especially since my throat has been hurting, and my sinuses are acting up.

I've also come to the realization that I need major help in the head. I REALLY want to bake for Christmas gifts.. breads and cookies etc. But I KNOW no one really wants them. They will like them, and eat them, but everyone I know is watching their calories.. so there will always be that overshadowing everything.. *sigh* anyone remember the good ol days when no one thought of calories??

I did exercise last night. Didn't this morning.. I'll do it tonight when I get home, and once again I'll be caught up.

Kit is at the vet getting altered.. I'm very nervous.. it is silly.. but there it is

totally unmotivated

Once again the darkness showed up this morning. I counted my blessings, and told it to take a hike. Kissed the kitties and came to work.

well work is unfulfilling, so I'm bored, and I'm tired, and I'm sick, and I REALLY don't want to be here any more..

*sigh*

and what I really really want is a very large yummy chocolate bar..

no no no.. No I don't. What I want is a nap.. but I'm here till 6.. and I'm going to go home and exercise, and then I'll sleep..

and I'll stay on plan.. I will.. darkness be cursed.. take a hike. You aren't wanted around here!

Guess it is time to give my depression posts their own catagory.. *shakes head* Must remember it is just a chemical imbalance..should rank right up there with people who get chronic infections.. nothing wrong with that.. just something annoying to deal with..

184

and this is why weighing every day isn't a good thing. I got cocky with yesterday's loss, and because I wasn't feeling well, and tired, I ate a few additional things. I also wasn't feeling well this morning, and didn't exercise. DH is out of town for the night so doing it tonight will be easier.

I did exercise last night.. so I'm mostly caught up (if I had done so this AM I would be)

I also slept through the entire night. Of course I had chemical help of night time pain relievers.. However I did wake up and it was still very dark. My nose was running and my throat hurt.. I thought it was 3 or 4am.. it was almost 6.. because shortly after I blew my nose the alarm clock went off. Kinda freaked me out as I didn't believe I went through the entire night.

Its cold and raining this AM. I'm wearing two sweaters and I still have my scarf on and I'm still very cold. It makes me want to eat.. but I'm trying to be strong as I've already went off plan with 100 calories of pudding this morning.

Kitten goes for her spay tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it as I am going to have to get up early, and drive down there, and go into the clinic that I haven't been in since I was there with Em. *sniff* I can do this.. I can be strong..

182

Well I got on the scale after my last post, and came up with 182. I swear my scale is a prankster.. but I think I'll settle on that number..

I didn't work out.. but I did get to work on time.. a rarity. Work is so laid back they don't seem to care at all if I'm 5 or 10 minutes late. heck even 30 they don't say anything... but I feel bad.

I'll do it when I get home tonight.. I promise!

183 or 181.5?

I got up at 6am went to the bathroom and weighed. Got 183. Went back to bed for an hour, go 181.5 I find I have my lowest weight if I sleep till 9... so who knows. regardless I think I had another pretty good day. I did both episodes of exercise, and ate farely well. I missed lunch - just wasn't hungry - so I ended up having a cliff bar before I went to bed - cause that was when I WAS hungry.. so I think I was on plan, or maybe just a little low as I didn't have a salad or a protein for lunch.

I ended up taking a couple more of my acrylic nails off. I have had fake nails for several years now, and I was sick of the upkeep. I LOVED having the nails, but spending $20 every two to three weeks, and figuring out a tip, and dealing with people who don't speak english (if I wanted someone who spoke english as a first language it would be $30 not including tip) Its been six weeks since I had them filled for the last time, and they are about half way off. I hate having them physically removed, so I just cut them down to the tips, and are letting them grow off; When the tips start coming off I have been soaking them off, and most of them have. I have two tips fully on, and two or three that are half taken off.

I'm tired, my tushie hurts (from exercising) and I don't want to start today.. unfortunately if I want it to or not it is going to start anyway.. so I might as well start exercising and not get behind so early in the week.

183

amazing what staying on the diet will accomplish hun?

I so need to catch up on my exercise today.. I have two episodes to do (I do step aerobics to TV shows five days a week.. ) but I'm still kinda wonky today.. I'm going to start and try to push through it, but I'll listen to my body, if it is too sick to do it, then I'll just delete the episodes and start fresh on Monday.

Hurricane came and went.. we didn't lose power which was nice.

I need to get to the grocery store today to stock up on salad mix for myself, greens for the bunny, and fruits and veggies. Only problem with this diet, is I'm at the grocery store all the freakin time.

Also need to get to the shelter and arrange for the kitten's adoption.

Very short todo list, but I'm curious if I'll get through it all.

sick girl

ugh.. I hate coming down with something and NOT being able to sleep. *sigh* I'm not weighing today as I haven't slept and I'm constantly drinking..

I had a weird dream last night.. I was in NYC with DH and someone else. We were at a fancy party, but there was something off about it. at the end the there of us left, and we drove home. we were in a convertable with all our stuff and our cats. we were on an elevated highway, and the person we were with was driving, and she started losing control. so we got off the highway, and ended up near the ocean. There were a few buildings first - a large building school or church that was falling apart. then a few log cabins that were being assembled or disassembled, then the ocean. Jack and Muffin were sitting on the front of the car as we were driving, and I decided to feed the seagulls the hotdog bun I had in my pocket. Then the seagulls were on the front of the car too, and one picked Jack up by the middle. This freaked me out, and I made Jack come to the back seat of the car with me, which is when I woke up and had a cat on me. Not sure who..

Big hurricane coming this way today, so I thought I'd get up and try to clean up my email while I still have power. Don't know for certain that we'll lose it, but it is a pretty good bet.

Once I get this cleaned up, I think I'll just take some nyquil and take a sick day.

183.5

so halloween didn't set me back as far as I thought it would. Good.

Yesterday was hard. Today is hard. The bowl of M&Ms are screaming to be eaten.. claiming the few calories wont make that much of a difference..and truthfully they wont.. but the sugar will cause me to crave sugar all day long.. so I resist..

I was watching TV last night and was once again shown the TV ad about TVs all having to be digital. Did you know they made a law mandating all signals be digital by 2009? WTH? now I'm all for progression of technology, and making my entertainment clearer and crisper and what not.. but why on earth does the goverment care about this? don't you think the free market economy would ensure that we get to see the pimples or wrinkles on our nightly news anchors?? why do I have to have the goverment mandate this?? Isn't there better things they could be doing with their time like ensuring I couldn't have an abortion if I wanted/needed one? *rolls eyes* all the homeless people out there with out tvs.. you think they could save a little time and money and not regulate this, and do something actually worth while *sigh*

this is why we need Stephen Colbert in the White House.. no wait.. he'd probably mandate everyone OWN a digital TV so we could watch him.

day 1.1

look at me.. two posts in one day.

Just wanted to say I REALLY want to get into the M&Ms.. and it is because I am beyond not motivated to do my work. I've been reading blogs, and chat rooms.. I need to get on the working is good bandwagon, but all I want to do is run off and go shopping. Heck, I even want to run off and go exercise.. I just really don't want to be here.

But then again, who really WANTS to be at work? seriously, aren't there other things you'd rather be doing?

November - day one

Ok, my eating has been really out of control the past few weeks, and I'm sure the scale is ticked off at me. I didn't weigh this morning, but yesterday I was 183.5

and I ate cookies, and ice cream, and brownies (all diet versions, but still)

then this morning the cookies needed to be eaten, and my morning shake said fill me with extras..

then when I walked into work, the bowl of M&Ms had to be sampled yet again..

That is when I said that is it. Ok actually my pants screamed at me when I sat down.. As of right now, I am 110% back on the diet.. I will see the 170s by Thanksgiving, and would like to be flirting with the 160s by Christmas..

I'm also going to try to keep track of my moods. I'm in the middle of watching a show about depression. It isn't all that helpful to me yet, but I had to stop half way through to go to work. However at this point they are talking about major depressive episodes.. not the chronic crap I'm dealing with.. a day here, a couple of hours there.. random shots of crap.. like someone cosmically throwing a wet blanket or a bucket of black slime all over my life and emotions.. *sigh* If I don't get a handle on my emotions, they will be the death of me.. More because I will eat myself to death than anything radical like suiside.

Honestly I often think of it. Most of the time it seems like a horrible thing.. sometimes it seems reasonable.. rare times it seems welcome.. fortunately I am able to see the horrible side of it even in the rare times when I don't think I can face another day. I think I have the kitties to thank for that. Their unabashed worship of me. Their absolute gratitude to see me.. which is unbelievably sweet and also incredibly annoying - especially when that grattitude is occurring in the middle of the night and I just rolled over to get comfortable :)

So.. my emotional state.. I'm good. (I watch too much TV to ever say my life is great.. cause the minute you do bad things happen) I'm able to see the good things in my life.. I have plans for future events - getting together with my friend in a week or so - thinking about Christmas. Kinda avoiding thinking about Thanksgiving. DH LOVES.. no.. LOVES Thanksgiving, and always wants it to be a huge event. I'm not into huge events.. I'm content going out to eat.. but he puts up with the things I love to do - like staying home with the kitties for Christmas - so I will put up with this. Not sure why I was so intent on stuffing my face this morning. I'm sure there is something going on that I'm refusing to face.. but for now I'll just have to rely on the fact that I am stronger than that which I refuse to face, and wait for it to show itself.

I can do this.

I'll weigh tomorrow and report in.

I joined nablopomo, so hopefully I will be posting every day this month.. that should be interesting. I was planning on doing it anyway - to try to keep better track of that which I tend to want to ignore - so hopefully this will keep me on track.