ow.. ow ow ow

Well what a way to end the year. But then again, I bet if I go back through out the ages, you'll find each of my end years sucked.. they always seem to.

This year I was going to hide out, watch tv, surf the net, play with kittens.. well instead I'm suffering through some horrid stomach pains.. reminds me of those I used to get when I flew..

they come and go.. fortunately - or unfortunately as you might want to look at it. I might be able to get used to a steady pain. They seem to be getting worse too. Eating a cookie didn't help it.. nor did eating some low fat cheese and deli meat (turkey)

Sigh.

Merry 2008-2009

dreams & Christmas

well once again I'm sitting here wishing I could remember all the dreams I had recently.. cause they were kinda interesting.

One I do remember was I was in a classroom - I'm thinking highschoolish - the teacher, thinking he was being obnoxiously clever, put up a drawing of an animal with some really weird and obscure name that couldn't possibly be spelt the way it was prounounced and asked us to spell it.

I knew I never could, so I started browsing through a flip chart of some sort that I had. Well I found the photo, and the spelling, so I said I could do it, and went up and started writing it on the chalk board. Well the teacher decided to change the rules so I would be wrong.

Oddly enough, it feels very much like the story of my life :)

anyway.

Christmas was interesting. DH got me things I don't want / don't need. He got me a GPS for goodness sakes. Now don't get me wrong, I love the things, but *I do not drive anywhere* I go back and forth to work and occasionally up to the mall. I think in the two years since he's had his, I've borrowed it twice.

he got me two different electronic photo frames.. one for my desk and one for my key ring. *shrug* I love my kitties and all, but I do not want to be known as the crazy cat lady..

he got me another set of 1000 tc sheets too. Nice and all, but he doesn't like the sheets we do have (1200 tc) so why would he buy another set?? a nice expensive set of flannels might have been a better choice.. but alas, since I don't even know what I want, how can I expect him to come up with *the perfect gift*

Every year I swear I'm going to start a wish list.. I think this will be the year..

I gained a few pounds for Christmas. Up to 194. So I'm on my diet again, and I'm so very hungry. actually I don't believe for a second my stomach is asking for food. I know it is my brain but it FEELS like my stomach.. friggen annoying.

My boss is closing up shop early today.. which is good - as it is DEAD here.. I think I'll go home and work out again..

Merry Christmas

Bah Humbug..

I like Christmas, don't get me wrong. What I don't like is all the pressure. All the hoopla and all the .. well frankly crap, that goes along with Christmas.

See, I spent most of my life getting presents that were duplicates that were picked out for my sister. getting gifts that have nothing to do with you over and over and over is pretty disheartening, and no matter how many times I told my mother to not even bother, I still got junk. What a waste of money. and time and energy.. not only the gift giver for having spent the time and energy to buy it, but mine for having to pretend it was "thoughtful' of the person to buy it for me.

now if they honestly thought I'd like it that is one thing, but I do not carry a purse. I've tried, but I'm always scared I'm going to leave it behind, so I just don't. but year after year I get purses. I also do not travel, I hate it. I do not wear make up, I'm allergic to it. So I got a collection of travel make up cases.. *sigh* yes, I'm probably going to bitch about that one until my mother apologizes, which means for the rest of my life.

I guess the real problem is that I don't know what I do want.. I mean other than 10s and 20s and real estate.. I buy what I need, and I generally do with what I have. I do want a few really extravagant things, but I don't really NEED them, and frankly they'd probably just take up space in my life and collect dust. Food is out because I've been on a diet for so long I forgot what bread tastes like. perfume, allergic. make up, allergic. Jewelery - don't wear much because the kittens chew on it. there is only so much clothing I need, and I'm trying to hold off on that for now because I want to have plastic surgery to correct a few flaws. I guess cat toys are always good - but honestly I have an entire Christmas tree of cat toys and a basket besides. I feed raw food, so even cat food is out (cause who wants to wrap up a whole chicken?)

I guess what I really want is to know that you ACTUALLY thought of me. This year my sister sent me a gift. in the past I've gotten flowers (nice yes, but oh so temporary) gaudy vases, a festival pitcher, and a few other trinkets that sit in my basement waiting to be re-gifted. This time she bought me herbs and seasonings that are to be made into salad dressings and dips. I was extremely touched.

Now my SIL - although I haven't gotten a gift yet cause she didn't show up to the party - I'm sure got me the most generic gift imaginable..

I'm hoping Im wrong.

I'm just glad I've still got hope.

Merry Christmas.

a realization

I think I now know why I have six (seven?) cats..

I got an email from a friend I had lost touch with. He is a really sweet guy, but kind of a stray.. you know those guys on the fringe of things.. then I got to thinking, a lot of my friends in school were like that. Heck, I was like that.

When school ended, we all lost touch. understandable, none of us much liked school..

I was known as the "councilor" if someone had a problem, I could usually offer advise on how to settle it.. too many times people joked that I should get paid for it..

I rescued friends.. now I rescue cats..


um.. is that a good thing or does this just make me pathetic??

no power = bad diet

Pretty hard to want to eat healty when you have no power. Something about not being able to switch on a light turns me into a 2yr old. oh it wasn't pretty. we lost power Thursday, and I woke up shivering. no power at work Friday either, so it wasn't like I could hide out there. I ended up going to the library (they have net access) for a while.

but anyway, it wasn't like I wanted to eat brocolli while I'm cold and useles.. so I ate cookies and fudge and more cookies.. and I read four books..

now I have power, and my clothes barely fit. *sigh* Curse this silly diet.. and curse my clothes that have little give..

tired again

Well so much for posting daily. I've been on line daily, but I generally just check my email and a few small other things and get off. I've just been so tired again lately. All I want to do is lay in bed and read and watch TV and snuggle with my kitties. *sigh* I thought I was doing so much better.. heck I probably was doing so much better..

weight has stablized at 192 grrr. Why couldn't it stablize at 189?? probably cause I'd eat a few extra cookies. What's really annoying is my scale reads 191 for half a second before jumping up to 192 or 192.5 just likes to yank my chain.. I swear all scales are evil pranksters..

bummer!

I have always wanted a kitchenaid mixer. always.

however, I don't bake with any sort of frequency, and so there is really no need for one. want yes, need no. and the frugal part of my brain won't let me add another piece of equitment in the house (especially one that costs hundreds of dollars) to sit and take up space.

So this year when Amazon did their "vote on deals" thingie they do each year, I drooled as I voted on the licorice mixer they had up. $499 mixer they were gonna sell for $69!!! now $69 is still a chunk of change, and it is still going to sit in my house, but I wanted one, and I was only voting, I wasn't actually buying..

Well this year I actually got an invite to participate in buying ON THAT ROUND!!

so I sat at work waiting for the clock to count down, and I clicked on the buy it now the second I saw it, *sigh* yup, you know where this is going (hence the title being bummer not yahoo!) I missed it.

:(

it is probably a good thing, cause seriously, I don't need it.. I want it..

Gift wrapping was a bust

You know, I've always wanted to go wrap gifts for charity. I love gift wrapping, but when I do it at home it is a chore because I HAVE to do it. I hate doing things I HAVE to do.

So when the shelter had the opportunity to go wrap presents at Borders for donations, I signed up. I took the day off, and went up.

I wrapped one book - and she didn't even pay!

Three people made donations, for a total of $7.00

I was stuck in the back, and no one really saw me that were there to buy. The people that saw me were the people who were reading in the cafe.. it was sad.

December 2nd

hey, look, two days in a row. You think I can post every day this month? probably not.

I had some weird dreams last night, very mundane stuff - which in and of itself is pretty weird, but for once I actually dreamed in real time. I was in my bedroom, and since we put a new duvet on the bed last night, I knew I was dreaming about real time. what is really annoying is when I wake up I think, wow - how facinating to dream about x, y and z.. so I go through the sequence of the dream several times trying to remember it, and most of the time by the time I get to a computer I don't have the foggiest what happened.

but, new duvet on the bed.. I LOVE it. makes the bed oh so cozy. I wish I would never have to leave it.

I've also got a killer headache this morning too. Already took a caffine tablet, and some headache medicine, and I still can't seem to focus on anything other than the pressure in my head. Probably because it is on the same side of my face that I've been having sinus issues. I've been waking up to very bloody nasal discharge (not nose bleeds, but blowing my nose and ending up with a bloody tissue) and very soar throats - which I'm assuming is from post nasal drip. I decided I was going to give it a week and if I still had issues i was going to go to my doctor (because I remember this same sequence of events from previous years) well the bloody discharge has stopped.. *crosses fingers the throat feels better soon cause it really friggen hurts*

i'm completely unmotivated at work. *sigh* I almost wish I had a job I HAD to get done.. because I haven't done diddly for a day and a half now. I mean it is great and all, but when you HAVE to do something, you get it done.. Although I'm running out of silly stuff to waste time with, and all I've got left is work - which I'm actually reluctant to do because of this headache..

my weight is pretty much stuck at 191 and I've decided to stop caring. My goal is to exercise daily and keep my caloric intake down. If I do that, I'm going to be happy with what ever my weight does. Although I do wish it would settle at around 185 - because some of my pants are a little tight.. (ok fine, I wish it would settle at 155.. but I'm dreaming)

confused

Ok, so all the talk over the news is about Clinton becoming Secretary of State. The talk is how much her husband is going to have to give up or curtail.

Now I'm confused. She was running for POTUS.. and she almost made it. Why did none of this come up when she was applying for that job, but this job is apparently much more picky.

does that confuse anyone else??

Finally!

I had a nice dream the other day. I was standing somewhere, when Spencer Reed (yes, I had been watching Criminal Minds before I went to sleep) came up behind me and told me I was beautiful.

Think that is the first complement I ever gave myself.. :)

I also had a dream recently I was in the show one day at a time. but it wasn't a show, it was played as real life (aka no cameras, no audience) and some how I was all of the charaters. Very bizarre, but at least I wasn't being mean to myself.

its a start.

O!! M!!! G!!!!!!

Now this post is going to seem very silly to most of you, but the few people who understand will totally understand..

Philip Spaulding is returning to Springfield!!!

*Does happy dance*

ok seriously, Philip was my first crush. Totally. and he is one of the very rare and special memories from my childhood that were good. That I like being reminded of.

oh the joy..

why oh why

is my subconscious not nice to me??

Yesterday I dreamt that I was out shopping with a co-worker (aka my boss). we had stopped to get gas at a particularly large convenience store.. all the Halloween candy and supplies were on clearance, and this rather strapping young Asian man was looking at a rather fancy looking scrub top with flames and spiders on it. I snuck past him, and people were digging into bags of clearances candy. I went out to my car, and realized I left something in her car, and I went to go get it. Well my boss decided to drive off at that point, dragging me across the ground, because my lower half was hanging out of the car (like i had knelt on the ground and reached into her car) She claimed she had to because she was running late.. so I some how let go and stumbled out of the car. I made it back to the store, and the store had moved my car off the lot.. I woke up and was ticked at everything.

last night I was in a rather elaborate dream again, but I only remember bits. I was in a small open air tram (like at zoos) or large golf cart. We were driving past a long rectangular green, but the green had pool table pockets on each corner (like someone butchered a pool table and used the corners of that for the corners of the green). I was looking at the work they were doing on it, and then all of a sudden I saw a couple of lions running down the green. who ever was driving the tram panicked and sped up, and we made it to a rather large modern building that appeared to be someones home. We ran in, and hid behind a door. But the walls were glass - with parts of it frosted - so I could see into the main room. I saw my cats in there, and wanted to go and get them, but I was held back. Then the lions entered the house..

I woke up at the panic..

Why on earth can't I dream of handsome hunky guys giving me massages? or winning millions of dollars. Heck even lounging on the Rivera would be nice..

Lions??


well I'm back on my diet. I'm not happy about it, but I am less happy about hitting 195. so now I'm at 192. Food is fuel, not comfort.. food is fuel, not medicine.. food is just fuel.. period.

and I've promised myself when I see the bottom of the 180s again I'll schedule an appointment with a plastic surgeon for a consult..

I may be unreasonable, but damn it, it is my money

I am SICK AND TIRED of shitty customer service (yes, I'm sorry, but I'm angry, and when I'm angry I usually swear, and I don't feel like editing)

so last night I go to the grocery store, and I get treated like shit from the CSM!! yes, the manager. For no reasons other than I existed, and I wanted to redeem a coupon that wasn't in her system (yes, her system.. she was that kind of bitch)

this morning I finally call my vet back. my cat had surgery last week and as a courtesy they call to check up on them. Well I was over reacting from moment one, so I wanted to give it some time to settle down (yes, him and me) and so I called today, saying he's having a hard time jumping up on things, and I wanted reassurance that it was normal. well the response was pretty much "well he just had major surgery you idiot, of course he is going to be in pain and he shouldn't be jumping!"

well it isn't like I'm asking him to jump through hoops and preform for me. Let me explain a little bit about my kitty. Ollie is basically EMO kitty. He's black with some white, and he's a major grump and we call him a grumpy ol man, and have since he was three! You tell him he can't do something, that is what he wants to do. If I lock him up, he won't eat and he will just sit there and be angry. I mean this cat has ripped out his own stitches with out disrupting the incision!! He's freakingly determined and pissy.. on a good day!!

I mean to nicely suggest that maybe he shouldn't be jumping at all, would have been nice. To say that the lack of coordination was normal because it was going to be causing him pain for a while would have been nice too.. but to tell me so bluntly that he shouldn't be jumping at all - implying that I'm forcing him to - just pisses me off.

and yes, this is the vet that "threw his arms in the air" when I called for the 20th time about my cat who was bleeding from her nose. I'm sorry. you are my vet. I expect when there is blood coming out of my pet, you would be there to offer suggestions and baring that, some comfort!!

fuck you.

I'll find a new vet.

oh like that is going to be easy.. *sigh* I wish I didn't know so much shit about the local vets.

WTF!!

Ok, seriously, someone please explain my dreams to me! Why on earth did I dream my fire alarm went off?? I was in the middle of some murder mystery dream where I was either Mr. P or Ms. U (don't ask, I don't know) and I was awakened, heart pounding, scared out of my gourd (yes, a house fire is one of those things that terrify me down to my atoms) at first I thought that maybe it was just a battery warning (because while my smoke alarms are hard wired, they have battery back up) but I did not hear it again upon awakening.. *sigh*

Ollie is at the vet today. I'm willing myself to be calm and remember this is all going to be ok. It was working, but it is getting harder and harder to do as the day goes on.

*sigh*

well my weight is up.. way up. *hangs head* I'm back on plan, and we'll see what happens.. Exercising is difficult because I have so many morning chores now, and sleeping hasn't been that easy.

What really gets me is I'm sweating a lot at night. I don't know why, as I'm never all that hot, heck, I'm not even all that warm when I wake up. Sometimes I'm soaked, sometimes not. (Ok the sheets are) what is killer is when I'm all sweaty, there is no going back to sleep. I'm all damp and the sheets are sticking to me, and it is COLD (fresh air on sweaty skin is cold)

But the dr says I'm healthy, even though I'm exhausted and cold all the time..

I had a bizarre dream this morning. I was at my current house, and there was a loud droaning noise. Turned out to be the engine from Air Force One being flown up in the air to refuel. (yes, just the engine compartment, not the whole airplane. I never said my dreams made sense)

archway cookies are evil

I bought a bag of archway iced molassas cookies.. OMG.. they remind me so much of Christmas cookies of my youth.. I easily could eat the whole bag and not even realize it.

nom nom nom

I also bought some squirrel nut zippers, and some mint julip chews from Necco.. and knew this post was a comin

racisim.

Ok, full disclosure. I am a lily white girl in a lily white world. I have very little contact with anyone of any color, creed, or race other than white where I am.

Another fact to know before I start this post. only 20% of America is .. (wondering which is politically correct at the moment) African American... aka someone with black skin. (cause aren't there people with black skin from other areas?)

anyway.

a few things popped up in my life lately that made me look at my views on racisim again. One was an article about why a woman was supporting Obama (the same article had a woman supporting McCain and was pro-life because she totally enjoyed giving birth.. um.. yea.. ok. you like something so you need to force it on the rest of us.. gotcha) (ok so my feelings on that are much more involved, but that is a different post)

she was supporting Obama because she identified with his mix racial background. They went into her background, and how she was an outsider because of her race. How she stood out, was teased, and made fun of because she was different.

So that's racism? So then what I went through at school.. what was that? I was teased, tortured, made fun of, had my possessions stolen, and basically went through hell because I was red headed and 'larger' than my class mates. I went through a growth spurt that made me 5'7" when all my class mates were barely hitting 5"

I was different. I was an outcast. So was that racisim? couldn't be, we were all of the same race.

But it is racism when your being different is because you are of a different race. So that makes what she went through worse than what I went through?? why? how? because it has a name? I would think that something that doesn't have a name, that isn't defendable in any way shape or form would be worse. Like being ill and not having a diagnosis. Can't cure what you don't know you have..

*sigh*

so many people are quick to jump on the racisim bandwagon. Oh I'm discriminated against because I'm (fill in the blank here) that's the reason why people don't treat me right. They are all evil and I'm just SOL.

people are just evil. what ever your blank is that you think people are discriminating you for, it doesn't matter. We all are discriminated against for one thing or another.. too tall, too black, too fat, too pretty, too ugly, too short,

no one is normal.

no one.

normal is a fallicy. it is a bell curve, we all fall on one side or the other.

the other show I watched was "Cold Case" about two young girls who became friends, one black, one white, in the 70s. there was some clear discrimination in that show. Blatenly not liking them because they were black. (but again, I was blatenly not liked because I was too tall and heavier than the rest of the girls.. so ...) the brother of the black girl was assumed to have hurt the white girl (who was the victom of this show) because he was seen in the yard. He was questioned for hours at a time. He denied absolutely everything. but come to find out in the show, he was in the back yard.

that happens a lot in the crime shows I watch. Black people denying everything, because the small part that they did have that got them involved in the investigation they deny. Seems to me that if there was evidince of something you did and you deny it that you are just asking for more trouble.

Now a lot of these crime shows also show how police used to jump to conclusions and would force confessions etc. So I suppose i can't deny the reasoning behind denying it back then.

and I can't deny the anger and resentment of knowing this used to occur. I know I'm still reluctant to believe in change in people who treated me badly in the past.

But I do know change happens.

so where is the answer.

and when does the inane behavior of people to tease and taunt that which is different from them change from human behavior to the more evil status of "racisim"

All questions for the ages I guess.

I only hope and pray that those holding on to the pain of being judged for the color of their skin or the size of their body don't pass that pain on to the next generation (although I know it has) or the next. Let us get past the pain of what our forfathers did. and what our parents generation did...

Luke 6:31
"Just as you want others to do for you, do the same for them."

In addition, the Dalai Lama has stated:
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion

Confucius said in the Analects:
"Never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself." - Analects XV.24, tr. David Hinton

In his Last Sermon, the Prophet Muhammad cautioned believers:
"Hurt no one so that no one may hurt you"

Rabbi Akiba emphasized the importance of Leviticus 19:18.
Thou shalt not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself

Dear Mrs Palin

I want you to know that in your attempts to be "down home" and "one of the average people" you have seriously offended me.

I am in the "Middle Class". I am married, own my own home, work a full time job, and honestly living the American dream.

I am NOT a mom, nor a do I like hockey. (nor soccer, but that was a different election) I'm NOT (nor is my husband) Joe Six-pack. We don't drink, we don't buy six-packs, and we don't subscribe to the stereo types that these 'labels' imply.

Labeling all of middle America as Joe six-pack and hockey mom, you are alienating a HUGE segment of the population. About 20% of the population is child-less (or child-free depending on how one chooses to look at it) More than a third don't drink at all!! (wow.. really? I always feel so alone when I say I don't drink)

Get out of your box. Look at America for what it is. It is a little more complex than your labels.

May I recommend a book for you to read?

I had such hopes when you joined the ticket. I gave you a chance, and another. But now I'm pretty sure I'm done. I doubt you'll change your views and open your mind. Live in your own little world, but I will not vote for you to run mine.

If I were in Michigan...

I'd be ticked..

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081002/ap_on_el_pr/mccain

"In major concession, McCain gives up on Michigan "

Ok, so you can't win, so lets now ignore an entire state.

Oh wait. I'm in a state with almost no say in the election. No one campaigns here anyway.. Hey Michigan, come join the "party"

*rolls eyes*

now this is why I wish we had a populous vote, instead of this stupid electoral college.

of course if we did.. how many more millions or billions of dollars would the campaigns cost?

the "bail out"

OMG.. I just read a post about the bail out and how this person thinks that the goverment should just give the money to people to pay off their mortages.. WTF? how on earth is that a good thing?

His thought was this would "free up" money in the banks for more loans.

Ok yes, I can see that, but how on earth am I (as a tax payer who is paying off this loan) going to get my money back??

I'm not! the only one who benfits from that are people who made bone headed decisions in the first place. The person who took out the loan and the bank that made it. and it gives them more money to make more bone headed loans. I, as a reasonable person who took out a loan I could afford, am going to pay for something I get no benefit from! that doesn't seem right to me.

I am for this bail out. Why? because all the economists Ive read are for it. Why? because we would be buying up a tangeable asset (loans) and that we could help the consumer out (lower interests) and we'd get the payments for those loans, so we'd still be making money now granted, chances are some people are not going to be able to make their payments no matter how low you make the interest rate. But lots will. By keeping people in their homes, you are going to help the housing market, and house prices will stabilize if not rise. So when those few loans default, we'll be able to sell those homes for most of the amount of the loan. We might be losing money, but we will not be losing the entire cost of the loan!!!!

too many people think this is throwing good money after bad. it is not! It is an investment.

Now I never agreed with the blank check request that was first made, with no rules or regulations or oversite. I'm all for the newer incarnations of the bill with it's stipulations not only for the oversite, but for the banks participating.

heck, while I'm on this soap box, let me talk about these "golden parachutes" that the CEOs have been making. I'm apauled. I hate them. None of the companies I am invested in has them. If they did, I'd be standing up and saying that a leaving bonus is fine as long as the company is in the same or better shape when when the CEO joined if the company is in worse shape, that leaving bonus should be forfit. Would be an incentive to the CEO to keep things going, or cut his losses and get out if he realizes that the company is in trouble and he can't fix it. Getting someone out who can't fix a problem seems like a pretty good idea to me. The share holders of these companies are to blame for not balking sooner. For agreeing to go along with these contracts from the get go. Companies have been using them for decades.. the shareholder should have balked long before this. They didn't. It is their own fault.

Now that the shareholders are ticked, I'm sure this is the last we'll see of them. It is too bad that it took this kind of fiasco to wake people up to these inane practices. I'm all for paying a qualified person a good sum for doing a difficult and demanding job, but to pay them to leave?? that just makes no sence!

another weird dream

this one was a doozie.

I was walking down the street. It was a deserted section of some long ago left behind main street. There were empty shops and window boxes that only held dirt. As I was walking I was looking in windows and taking in the sites. I saw an old barrel planter that had a dead puppy in it. It look like he crawled in there to find a soft place to sleep and just didn't wake up. He had cob webs over him. I was shocked, but not horribly upset. Sad yes, but these things happen. So I looked in the window of the shop that he was outside of, and saw another dead dog, and then another. I moved to get a better look and saw a large aquarium with three dead tigers in it. Now I was shocked. everything looked like they were recently dead because of the good shape they were in, but the spider webs were everywhere.

All of a sudden, one of the dogs stirred slightly. I peered in the window harder to see if he really moved. I saw him move again, and then the tigers started moving. I was stunned, and then had to find these animals help. I pulled out my cell phone (no I don't own one in real life) and ran up the hill to call the police. I was trying to explain where I was and what was going on. I started calling off road signs and signs on buildings. none of them were recognizable to my real life, until I turned around and saw the playhouse. I called that off, and the person on the other end of the phone immediately knew where I was and was off to help. I was shocked at the recognition of the playhouse and woke up.

The site of starving and dying animals in my dream kept me up for hours. I watched Boston Legal. Could not get up this morning. *sigh* scale was not kind either. I had a 500 calorie deficite and some how I was up a pound. I'm really ready to give up. I feel like I'm trying to move a mountain.

Not like there are a hell of a lot of resources around here for help either. I went to a nutritionist, and she did not tailor anything to me. Just spouted off the already established nutritional information. makes me want to cry

sleeping through the night

NOT! arrgh. Its frustrating. At least now I know I'm waking up after REM because I keep remembering my dreams (or at least that I had them) apparently my short term memory can only hold two dreams at a time - and no more. Sometimes not even that. Last night was working at a department store that is no longer in business (it was in my dream but not in real life) and the other was searching and finding space assassin kitties. yes.. space assassin kitties. go figure.

my weight is starting to come back down. was 188 on one scale this morning 187.5 on the other. now if I can just keep from blowing it this weekend *crosses fingers*

it is supposed to be a rainy wet weekend. Maybe I can get caught up on my TV viewing. Oh the curse of the end of summer shows and the start of the fall premiers.. National stay at home week? yea.. seriously, needing to call in sick to watch all the good TV out there.

generally out of it

These past couple of weeks haven't been fun for me at all. My chest is all congested - but my sinuses aren't. Go figure. I'm tired, and achy, and the sleeping pill I took did NOT help at all. Woke up the next morning quite sick like.. some weird combination of the flu and just a regular cold. No sneezing no coughing (well much) but Im congested in the chest, and my nose is running (not stuffed, but running) wtf?

I've been dreaming a LOT. I remember enough to remember how cool I thought the dreams were and how I wanted to blog about them, but then they were gone. I do remember last night I was dancing with my father. Don't know what that was about, but it was nice.

Dad did stop by recently. Washing machine bit the dust. I could spend $200 possibly fixing a 10+ yr old machine, or buy a new one. DH would have to help out with the fixing, and that is NOT his forte, so I just bit the bullet and spent $500 for a new one. it's bitchin. yea, you know your an adult when you get excited over a new appliance *rolls eyes at self* Actually I think the dryer was new when we moved into this house, and *thinks* either the frige was new or barely used.. I'm thinking it was barely used, because we did switch out the front pannels to get the stainless steel ones for on the cheap. Thats the thing about having a dad in the appliance repair trade... there are almost always used appliances hanging around when you need one.

Dad is doing well.. or as well as can be expected. Its weird how much he is looking like his older brother now. Both of them have that 'skin too large for their face' look. My uncle always seemed to have it, but now Dad really does.

Mom got a new job (was laid off from old job she had for 20+ years) and gets 3x the pay and four staff under her. She's the boss and dad says she's getting used to the idea. for 20+ years she was the underling.. its a few towns away, but she's going to commute for a couple of years before she retires. Which is good that they don't have to sell their house and move.. economy and all. Not that their house isn't prime, great location right in town... but still it is a hastle, so now they don't have to think about it.

another thing that has thrown me for a loop is the fact that my sis's husband had had an affair. She found out about it a few weeks ago. From what my dad said he told her and then expected her to get over it right away, and also told the councilor that he is stuck. He's been a house husband for so long... *smacks him on the back of his head*

the real kicker is that just a few weeks ago I actually had the thought, wondering if my sister's marriage would make it. My parent's did. Mine has.. (although by all rights it really shouldn't. My DH is a saint for putting up with me most days) and all the statistics out there.. seems that one or more of the marriages I know would fail.

Oddly enough, I have never known a marrige to break apart. No wait.. my cousin's did (after what seems like less than a year, but I did not know the husband, he wasn't very social) and my SIL's did (after what seemed like a week. she so should not have gotten married) these were marriages that were destined to fail. we knew it from the begining.

oh wait.. my BFOL left her husband. She is currently not divorsed but working on it, even though she's been separated from him for years, and has two children with another man ..

so I guess I shouldn't say that.. but it seems like in my day to day life - work, friends, immediately family - we were all stable. or so I thought.

she has two kids, so I kinda hope she can work it out. Actually I kinda hope he smartens the hell up and grovels like a dog who just peed in the house by accident.

I have no doubt that my sister would be fine with out him though. She is one strong woman.

Foods I Love

You know, when you are on a diet, you are much more mindful of the foods you put in your mouth (ok at least you are supposed to be)

I find that a lot of my 'favorite foods' just don't hold my attention any more. They are ok, and I'll eat them, but I wonder why I thought they were so wonderful.

I vowed to make a list when I started finding foods that really make me sit up and take notice. I found one.

I bought day old biscuits from the local grocery store for my DH the other week. I ended up with a bite of one, and really enjoyed it. I figured it was just because I had just one bite and that the whole thing would quickly become old.

Well last night I couldn't sleep and felt the need for carbs. I had bought more day old biscuits for my DH, and remembered how much I liked the bite. I figured I could have one biscuit, or three or four 100 calorie packs that were sitting around the house. The math won, and I had a biscuit. toasted it, and put a very little bit of butter on it and OMG, I enjoyed every single solitary bite, and licked the plate of crumbs (ok I didn't, but I did pick off the bigger ones)

I love buttermilk biscuits.

that's one.

:)

you'd think at this rate I'd be as thin as a rail.. but alas, I find myself shoving in less than quality food because it is what is around. I mean heck, if you only had one food you loved, you'd be eating food you didn't *love* too.

more dreams

I had three different dreams involving cats. THe first two I mostly remember at his point, the third is floating around, and I thought if I wrote down the first two it would come to me.

The first involved a very clutter filled great room. It was more than a bedroom, but it was so filled with stuff it was hard to tell what it was. In the room was a mother and her kitten. I was looking for them, and could find one, but not the other. first I found the kitten, then the mother, then the kitten was missing again. The dream ended with the kitten being on a turn table, and falling off on top of my head.

THe second was much more involved before the cats showed up. I was cleaning out a very clutter filled basement (ok, yes, there is something going on in my mind isn't there) there were other people involved, but no idea who. We emptied out the basment and started putting furniture back in around the outside of the room - in order to seat guests. Only thing was there were some weird things like a bed and a box. anything anyone could sit on. There was another queen sized bed we were trying to figure out how to get in the room when we realized it was starting to rain. I started running around like a crazy person thinking I had to get the debris off the lawn. We shoved the bed in the room, and I went outside up the stairs on to a deck, where there was a pool. There were a bunch of people in the pool either empting junk out of the pool, or trying to empty it. One young man (20s?) pulled a litterbox full of water up out of the bottom of the pool and threw it over the side. I looked where it went, and there was another pool with no one in it. I thought it would be fun to jump in, but I ended up sliding across the bottom of it, as there wasn't much water in it. I got out as the far end didn't have a wall and just walked out onto the lawn. I was on the side of the house now, and walked around to the other side (front?) which was actually ocean side. It was like a hotel / motel and where the parking lot would have been was sand, and then beyond that the ocean. There were a lot of people milling about. All of a sudden there were shots. I duck and tried to hide, trying to figure out where the shots were coming from. People were getting hit, but not near me, and not fatally or with an excess of gore. I saw the reactions of them being hit, but that was about it. I determined the shots were coming from the water. I looked down the beach and saw another group of people were also being shot at. I figured this was a good chance to try to get in the building, but as I got closer, the porch light was shot out, then the gas line popped, and a fire started in the light. Another shot shattered the glass door. I looked up to the windows in the second floor and saw it all on fire. I then noticed a large breed dog on the second floor trying to get down. It was as if he were a stuffed dog though, because he was moving rather stiffly, and eventually fell head first - but yet he was ok. At the site of the dog falling, I remembered my cats were in my room in the back, and I HAD to get to them. I ran for the door..

I woke up.

My dreams are so bizarre. I remember thinking my last dream was bizarre too.. wish I could remember it.

more dreams

I had been dreaming a bit more lately. I had one last night that was a doozy, but I don't remember it. the night before I had put my hair up in curlers. I use U shaped curlers to make my hair look like i got a perm. During my dream I saw a U curler as a mouse run out from under a door. The U curlers in real life are bright blue, but in the dream it was the same shape, but fuzzy and mouse / rat colored. freaked me out and woke me up.

The night before that I had a dream that included freezing water, work, walter brimley and gimlets. ready for this? lol

It started off I was in a basement that was flooded with freezing sub zero waters. There were several men trying to chop ice at the drain to keep the water from flooding. the drain was on the far side of the building, and I wanted to help. To get there, I had to jump on to queen sized mattresses. I was warned the one in the far corner was covered with ice, so I probably wouldn't be able to stay on top of that one. I wasn't worried, because I saw no reason I'd need to get on that mattress. Well I worked my way over there, but once I got there I needed to move and get something (an ice pick?) and I ended up jumping on the iced mattress with out even thinking about it, and I started sliding toward the freezing water. Some guy stuck his leg/foot/work pole out and stopped me from falling off the mattress, but I did get a small portion of my body in the cold water. It was COLD and it hurt. but some how I didn't actually get wet. It was like I fell in inside of a plastic bag. I was frustrated, and the guys now thought I was a clutz, so I gave up and went to the bar instead. I found my husband's sisters there, and they asked me if the water was cold (yes, they are the queens of the obvious)and I said yes, and they went back to their conversation. So I went behind the bar to help out there. There wasn't much to do, so I emptied out a dishwasher, and proceeded to re-organize the glasswear. The bartender was using a dish towel and was drying off glasses, and proceeded to ask me how walter brimley was like a gimlet. I started to answer, but confused on how to, I woke up.

so, how is walter brimley like a gimlet?

NSVs

Ok, so I went out on Labor day and practiced wanton consumerism. I spent WAY too much money, but I gave myself permission to, so it kinda washes out. I bought a $636 coat (it's baby alpaca fur) for $150.

and (now for the NSV) I bought my first pair of fitting Levi jeans since grade school.

I remember going to a local store to buy clothes for back to school, and really REALLY wanting Levis. Levi's were cheep here, and my sister got pair after pair, but my fat little tushie wouldn't fit into any pair there. They had walls of Levi's, but none of them fit me. I was devestated. Probably more so then the time my neighbor told me not to swing on her swingset because I was too big for them. fewer things in my life made me feel fat and huge and an outcast than not having Levi's in school.

Still irritates me when I think back on it.. I was 5'7" and about 150ish maybe 160ish... but still, not out of the range of normal for someone so tall.. so why didn't my ass fit into a pair of pants?? Was my mother just mean and not want to spend the extra money to get me name brand jeans so she picked out pairs that wouldn't fit? was this store just out of larger sizes that day? who knows. Maybe back in the 80s Levi's decided they only wanted super thin people to wear them. I never went back to look for them after that. It was no name jeans for me. and my self esteem (cause jeans matter to the school child - when they have so little control over their life anyway) took a hit.

and now, I own Levi's!

and now for a cute kitty story. I was downstairs taking care of my fosters, and all the kitties usually follow me down there. On the way back up, I decided to do a few stair push ups, and I got three in when Jack (my soul kitty) decided to run up the stairs, but not just anywhere, he had to run up between my arms just as I was starting another one and heading down. Ended up with a mouth full of Jack. I laughed so hard I couldn't get any more in.

tripped

These past few weeks I've been fighting my allergies and some other internal issue that makes me tired.. achingly tired. Dr gave me drugs for the tiredness. they seemed to work, but I'm leary of taking them, so I stopped, and the ache came back. So I took it last night, and yet still couldn't get to sleep.

Probably because I've decided to get back on the diet bandwagon and buckle myself in. I've been maintaining at around 185 for a long time, but I've edged up to 189, so I've decided I want to get into the 170s, and this seemed like a good time to do it. Well I forgot that if I am 100% on plan, with my high protein evening snack, my body is wired and won't go to sleep. So last night I had to have some bread and then I had some cookies to try to calm my body down. I also couldn't get comfortable, so I went to sleep on the couch, which was also uncomfortable, but at least I didn't have to listen to my h snore all night long.

so tonight I'm going to get some melitin (SP! arrgh) to try to help me make seritonin (more sp - can you tell I'm tired??) so I can sleep with out going too far off my diet. I'm going to move my high protein desert to my afternoon snack, and move my afternoon snack of fruit and protein (yogurt) to the night because it is higher in carbs *crosses fingers this works*

I'm also having a very hard time exercising because of my allergies. My lungs are full of mucus, and it is hard to breathe when I exert myself.

so I'm tired, I'm food deprived (ok not really but still) and I'm aching, but despite all that I wasn't doing too bad this morning emotional wise. I just went outside and got the mail for work, and some how between there and here I tripped and fell into the pit of dispair. Now I feel horrid, blue, heck black and blue, smushed on the floor. don't even feel worth while to pick myself up.. *sigh* I know this is the chemicals speaking (or beating as the case may be) and that I just need to get through this.. but oh how black it is before the dawn..


amazing how sometimes just writing this crap down actually gets it out of my head. I've been telling myself for 20 minutes this is nothing, it's just chemical, but I've still been awash in pain. but now, after proof reading the post (what's the point, i'm horribly spelling impaired when I'm tired) I can feel a bit of a lift.. like a little bit of the smoke/smog has cleared.

Do you know what I really hate

That the minute you say you suffer from mental issues or depression, some people take you less seriously. They throw those words or phrases back in your face.

it takes a lot of courage to say it out loud.

and it is so damning when you throw it around like it is just a frisbee, or worse arrows to try to belittle me..

but honestly, all you are doing is showing how little and petty and insensitive you are. Overcompensating much??

Do not dismiss something going on with someone simply because once they said they had some sort of mental issue.

and honestly, if you have never experienced depression, get down on your knees and thank your lucky stars, because it is so dark, and so deep.. you couldn't possibly understand. I am thankful that my depression is short and tolerable (for the most part)

*lest you think this is about me, this time it isn't. it is about another woman on another board.. and some crap that she is going through after admitting a while ago she has issues.. *

rant rant rant..

White House seeks to protect health-care workers who object to abortion

Ok, seriously...


Conservative groups, abortion opponents and some members of Congress are welcoming the initiative as necessary to safeguard doctors, nurses and other health workers who, they say, are increasingly facing discrimination because of their beliefs or are being coerced into delivering services they find repugnant

Seriously?? so WTF are you doing in this line of work then?? working in places where this is doled out as a matter of course, because IT IS LEGAL I don't work in a bar because I find smoking, sports and alchol repugnant.. so what.. if this passes, you think I should go apply to work in a bar and then bitch because I find all the activities there repugnant, and ask congress and the White House to change the rules for me??


arrgh!

Now granted, the situations are slightly different, as abortion is the ending of life, or potential life - depending on how you look at it. but NOTHING makes these people work there. There are clinics and other areas of the hospital that you can work at where abortion and birth control are not part of the norm.

ya know.. I never really did like W as president.. no solid reason, just didn't feel right.. but now I have a solid reason.. this is inane.

I am HUNGRY!

arrgh.

two more days till I see my DR. again. I'm so flippingly and achingly exhausted all the time, I don't even want to go to work because I know I'll end up sitting here aching. which I am.

Since I decided to cut back on exercising, I've cut back on food. My body is protesting, and all I can do is think about food.. but I'm going to be good.. I saw 184 for the first time last week in over a couple of months.. I'm not tired due to a lack of food.. so I'm not going to self medicate and over feed my body.. no matter what lies it tells me.

*headtable*

I just want to go home and go to bed..

Four more hours today, 9 tomorrow, and then four on friday.. I can do this..

arrgh

Ok, so I am completely lost. I give up. I'm just going to save my pennies and get a full body lipo..

So I followed the nutritionists suggestions, even though she wanted me to stop eating several hours before I went to bed. So many experts have said that there is no validity in that.. but then again I've been eating 1200-1400 calories every day for the past year and not lost weight.. so something was up.

Now my weight fluctuates all over the place, and that's ok. By following her plan, I seemed to trend downward.. I saw 185 which I hadn't in a while.. ok.. but I was hungry a lot.. I don't like being hungry.. which of course led to this past weekend's complete blow out. Chips and goodies all over the place.

Of course there are other factors. I rehomed my foster cat who I was falling in love with. and I have been so obnoxiously tired for the past few months, but it has really started coming to a head these past few weeks. I mean joint aching muscle fatigue tired.. been up for three days straight tired. Sunday I slept almost the entire day, got up at about 5, went to the grocery store, came home, dropped dead into the bed and slept all night long.

Ive decided to cut my calories back to 1200 (nutritionist said if I exercise I should have 1500ish) and not exercise. Maybe I'm over doing it and my body just needs a break??? (no, I don't really believe this, but by removing the exercise I can sleep a little later.)

I went to the dr's last friday and had blood drawn. Testing several things to see if it is any of the big things that fatigue is an indicator of. Part of me hopes it isn't any of them (ok well maybe the Vit D deficiency I could handle) but part of me hopes it is, so I can get treatment and get over this. I do NOT want to have CFS.. although I've always kinda secretly wished I had it.. cause it is such a cool idea.. but there is no treatment, and I do not want to live my life like this!!

I'm at work and my joints started aching early.. I so just want to go home take a hot bath and go to bed.. but I can't fathom saying to my boss, yea.. I'm tired, can I go home?? *rolls eyes* mostly cause i know I'll be tired again tomorrow too.. so where does it end?

Next friday I get my test results back, I'll go from there. Till then, caffeine my old friend, you and I will be spending some time together..

HFCS

So, the evil thing in the world next to trans-fat and MSG, is HFCS.

If you listen to the proponents, HFSC is the saviour of prepackaged foods.. cheap, efficient, easy, etc http://www.hfcsfacts.com/

Listen to the naysayers http://www.femhealth.com/dangersofhfcs.html you'll think it is responsible for the fattening of America and the increased incidents of diabetes..

Well honestly, I believe HFCS is cheap and efficient, and saves money and makes food cheaper, and I don't believe HFCS is the sole reason of the health ills of America.

However, what I can tell you is my own experience with it. I know full well when I'm eating food with a high HFCS content. How? well frankly I'm starving with a full belly! I eat a huge meal, and all I want to do is shove more food in my mouth.

Found myself in that position on Friday.. My dietitian suggested I eat regular ol salad dressing instead of low fat/calorie. So I pulled out a bottle of italian dressing my husband had been using, and ate that for two days.. OMG it just about killed me (mentally, not physically) I was trying to be so good and follow the new recommendations (even though I did not like them) and once again there was this pit in my stomach.

I know i've blogged about this before.. my orange salad dressing fiasco.. but I've now resolved never to eat anything that has HFCS in the first six ingredients..

and I resolved to blog about it.. wanna hear it, read the post again :D

food food food food food

ugh.. all I can think about is food.. this is agony!!

I went to the nutritionist last night, and she made tiny recommendations.. eating every four hours instead of splitting up my meals and eating every two as I had been, and eating about 300 calories more per day than I have been.. so I get to eat more, but less often.

So I had my shake early in the AM.. usually I don't have it till I leave for work.. this was a PITA, but not as bad as I thought it would be. Usually if I eat too early, I'm starving all day. so I had that just after 7. Got through till almost 11 before I had my breakfast bar. I'm trying to get to between 1-2 for my lunch.. it is 12:43 now..

wait a minute.. this won't be every four hours either.. sigh I don't know what I'm doing.. Maybe I'll just eat at 1, and be done with it..

I've been on an upswing. and got up to 187 yesterday. This morning I was at 186.5 but it was at 7am.. so who knows what I would have been if I waited till 8:30ish like I usually do (which is why I usually wait to eat breakfast)

ugh.. if this works it will be worth it, and i can get back to my regular schedual of food.. of course if I stay on this long enough, maybe I'll get used to it (yea.. right.. )

PSA

HSUS MySpace Page | Stop Puppy Mills Website

My 37th Birthday

ugh.. I'm 37! I don't like that number at all. Don't know why. I didn't mind 36 at all.

Let's see.. My birthday. I suppose I should be used to this by now, but it wasn't the dream that I hoped it would be. I need to stop living in a disney fairytale..

We went into Boston. I wanted to go to the Health Expo. I was VERY disappointed by it. I wanted to investigate a bunch of things, and visit the Wellness pet booth who was giving out samples. Well they were out of samples, and every single booth had a line of at least 10 deep. Some of the booths I would have been very interested in looking at had 30 people deep. I did NOT want to sit around for that. That and the people were incredibly rude.. so after walking through to see if anything jumped out at us as worth it, we left.

We then walked around Boston for a while. Went to Quincy Market.. which hasn't pulled at me since I was in junior high school. we used to go on feild trips, and LOVED it.. but back then it was a whole different vibe.. it was a haven for kids. Now it is all for the upper crust. Expensive boutiques (or chain stores) and stuff that just did not interest me. I did buy a jade turtle necklace for $2.00 which is more my style.

We then went over to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse (I'll never understand that posessive, even though it was explained on the website) sadly, my steak was not as tender and yummy as it could have been. They butterflied it to ensure it was cooked (I am cursed when going to restaurants and my meal is ALWAYS wrong) as I had mentioned to the waiter to make sure it was cooked right .. (my father has the same curse.. ) and there was an insect in the napkin the bread came in. Maybe I'm just too picky, but it bothers me that I can't have an amazing dining experience.

I wore the dress I bought at Coldwater Creek recently. They were having a very good sale, and the dress was rediculously cheap ($15 I think down from $89) and I bought it because it was beautiful and looked good on me, but I figured I would never wear it because it is very fancy. But a $200 meal calls for a fancy dress :D I was over dressed, but there was a bridal party there in full gown, so I wasn't THAT over dressed :) a lot of the staff gave me complements on the dress.

We then drove home... that was Saturday.. Sunday - my actual birthday was spent in bed. Ok so I got dressed for a bit and ran to the shelter for supplies, but then I got home and got back into jammies, curled up with my laptop and remote and cleared off the TIVO. DH dropped the ball on the birthday gift department. Said he planned on getting me a wii fit. Well he didn't.. but he didn't get anything else instead. Still hasn't followed through on the "massage" he said he'd buy me for valentines day. I threw away the "i owe you" cause I knew he never would. He asked me why I threw it away, and I told him. He asked me if I wanted him to set it up, and I said of course.. and you can see how that goes.

I shouldn't bitch. My DH is good to me. He takes care of me, and does a great deal of the house hold chores. he just REALLY sucks in the gift giving department.

REALLY sucks..

to the point I guess I'm not going out of my way for gifts for him any more..

Its just sad.. especially since I'm constantly bitching about how my mother has always lacked in the gift giving department and how much that hurts me.

and it isn't like he's going out of his way to find me a wii fit either. when he thinks about it, if he's already in a store, he might look to see if they have one.. *sigh* guess I'm going to have to buy my own presents..

I suppose I really should have a talk to him about this, but probably not any time soon.

I also emailed my sister since her birthday is the day after, and she seemed a little defensive. Maybe I'm just reading into things too much. But her life goes on and she totally refuses to include me in it. Doesn't send (email, call nothing) thank yous when I send the boys gifts, doesn't let me know when big events come up (she got her doctorate and didn't mention it. her husband just graduated from college as the commensment speaker and I saw it on TV.. nothing from her) It isn't like I don't try, I email her and send cards and gifts from time to time.. But I guess my inability to put up with my mother belitting me is too much for her too. *sigh*

Yes, I'm blue.. I should probably end this post..

blue

Well I'm blue again. I'm forcing myself to go through life, but man I REALLY REALLY don't want to. I want to go home, crawl in bed, eat a sleeve of cookies, a pint no, make that a gallon of ice cream, and watch tv.

*sigh*

I hate when I get like this. It isn't like there is anything to be blue about.. Ok I had to give back some of my foster kittens, but frankly I really wanted to, they were overwhelming me. Doesn't make it any less sad.

And I did gain about five pounds with birthday eating.. but it was worth it, and it is starting to come off.

arrrgh!

I hate admitting I'm blue, cause some how it makes me feel like I'm 'less than' I don't measure up if I can't control my emotions. I know that is the depression talking but it totally doesn't help.

*sigh* I wish it would just go away...
I just totally feel like sobbing

184.5

well that is something. After being awake for all but two hours earlier in the week (I HATE it when I can't sleep) I actually got up to 190. what is it about not sleeping that causes my weight to skyrocket like that?? took four days to come back down to pre-nosleep levels. I decided to stick to the NS plan, and got down under 185 for the first time in a while.. and of course I'm stuck there *sigh* but I do have an appointment with a nutritionist, so we'll see.

My birthday is Sunday.. this should be an interesting weekend.. DH has nothing planned apparently. Like I want to plan my entire birthday.. *sigh* hasn't he lived with me long enough that he would know that a lot of the time I just want things taken care of. and frankly he should know.. he's asked what I wanted to do, and I've pretty much told him but my husband suffers from "I-know-what-you-are-saying-itis" he hears half of my sentace, and jumps to the conclusion about what the rest of the sentance is going to be so he ignores it. I can't tell you how many times lately I've wanted to smack him up side the head when he only does half of the instructions I've given him. I'm like, well you did a and b, that's great, but what about d, e, f?? Him: "what? you never said that" me: Um.. I said it, but YOU WEREN'T LISTENING!! arrrgh! sometimes (ok who am I kidding - most times) he just agrevates the living crap out of me. But he is honestly trying, and that gives him a lot of leeway..

I went and saw my father last friday. brought him a card and a flowering plant. was going to bring him flowers, but I'm SHOCKED at the cost of a bouquet of flowers.. $70! for a small vase. Now granted, they were beautiful, but for something that will barely last a week, I couldn't do it. So for $40 (which is about $25 more than I'd spend on something like this for me) I got him a nice hanging basket of petunias. they were VERY full (2x as full as you can get at a discount store) and were a pretty unique varity. I visited with him for a while. He looks really good. Last summer when I saw him at the party he was gaunt again. Granted it may be healthier for him to weigh less, but he looks horrid when he does.

want to cry.. or maybe scream..

Ok, I don't know if I have ever admitted this on this blog, but I do NOT make phone calls. I do not talk on the phone well unless I am talking for work. Work calls I can make all day long, but ask me to call my DR, or even a salon to make an appointment, I run the other way.

Which is one of the reasons I love the internet so much. Allows me to keep in touch with friends with out calling them. Allows me to contact business to get information and the such.

Well one thing that gets me every single time is a business with a web presence that REFUSES to do business via email. Why on earth do they even post an email address if they don't want to do business that way. Nothing makes me more frustrated than to think through writing an email, and get a response that says "please call us for help with that issue"

Um.. if I wanted to call I would have done it in the first place you idiot!!

I just ran into this with another company. I'm not going to bash the company openly (yet) because frankly they aren't the only ones. I wrote an email with several questions, making it very obvious that I was very interested in their product.

I had one question answered - badly. It did not cover nearly enough information. my three others were totally ignored.

So I wrote back. I called him on the ignoring of my questions, and asked for clarification of the anwered question.

I got another email saying "Oh I'm sorry I didn't fully answer your email, but we are so swamped here.. I was being breif" then he answered the question I called them on ignoring (at least I'm assuming it was male. I don't think a woman would do this, but I could be wrong) and he completely ignored the question I wanted clarification on!!!

So I wrote back, slamming him for his total lack of understanding of customer service, how each and every single email is a potential sale, and how I as someone who has expressed extreme interest in the product could have potentially been an extremely valuable client.. Slammed him for once again ignoring my questions, and citing the fact that customer service is extremely important to me, and I would have to find another company who was willing to provide it.

Now I'm either going to be ignored, or I'm going to get another apology (possibly ignoring my questions again) or maybe I'll be lucky and get it escalated up to someone who'll take the time to read the emails and actually help me out - but I'm not holding my breath for that one. That would require that someone actually cared. Maybe they do.. who knows.. but in this day and age of customer dis-service, I'm not going to hold my breath..

which is a shame.. cause while I can create this product myself, I just really don't wanna, and was willing to pay twice what it costs me to produce myself so I didn't have to. Sigh

I hate confrentation.. hence the crying
I hate the lack of CS skills in this world.. hence the crying
I hate dealing with people who are so frustrating!! hence the screaming

and part of me fears that I'll get an email back that is rude and bashing me.. Which makes me very uncomfortable.. Sigh.. I just really don't have the balls to be a bitch

185

Well this is interesting.. June 2nd my weight goes up. Odd thing is it was 187 when I woke up, and was 185 about an hour later.. although I'm not sure if it went up or not, as I did have a little bit of food.. *shrug*

What is even odder, is that according to my food diary, I consumed a net total calories of 954 due to all the walking I did going to a local festivle and I've been convinced that I'm actually not eating nearly enough for my body to feel comfortable letting go of fat.

I have realized I am starting to make a shift in the way I perceive my body. Just the other day I thought my tummy was "flat" (ok there is a new definition of flat in my book, but at least I had a positive word to use about my belly) and my legs seem "slim" (see flat) this is huge for me.. I'm still hugely annoyed with my upper belly and my upper arms, but one step at a time..

on a little side note, every year I post about "the day the trees turn" There always has been a day where it rains and rains, and when the sun comes out all of the trees have turned, and their leaves are out, and everything looks very lush and beautiful. I am always amazed when I look back that it is very late in the spring that it happens, but this year it just seemed to refuse to happen. not that the leaves didn't come out, but that we just didn't get the huge storm. There were quite a few little storms, a few rain showers, but nothing big. We did have a huge storm over the weekend, and things do seem to be a bit lusher than before, but where all the leaves were pretty much already out, it was anti-climactic.

as as a follow up to the post about my dreams and my rant about why couldn't I dream about puppies.. well I had a dream about getting a dog.. a bull dog of all breeds.. *rolls eyes* at the time I thought I should get a dog that looks a bit more like a cat, but I was taking what was available - which frankly is the WORST thing you can do when it comes to picking out a dog.. I woke up mad at myself for settling.

And I also wanted to post a non-scale victory.. although I don't know if I want to actually call it a victory. NSVs are things to remind you that you are losing weight and keep you motivated.. well it reminds me I am loosing weight all right.. although I'm not sure it is making me all that much more motivated to lose more. See I've lost like every ounce of fat in my hands and feet. so much so I see every single vein, and I HATE IT!! it just grosses me out to no end.. but worse than that, is now when I type, I have a really odd sensation in my right hand.. in the middle of the back of my hand, between where my middle and ring fingers. it is quite jaring.. kind of like those vibrating massagers.. its kinda icky.. which makes me pay attention to my hands, which makes me see the veins.. and I'm all grossed out again.. I think I get the same sort of thing on my left foot as that hurts on and off.. oh if only I could take the fat from my arms and chest area and stick it in the back of my hands!! (yes, I'm rational, most of the time)

Lastly, I've started playing the game "Zoo Tycoon" and while it annoys me a bit, I'm totally hooked. I get so excited when my 'animals' give birth!! its silly, but it amuses me. I love it when the witch flys by, and then Santa.. I'm through most of the beginner tutorials, just need to do the forest one, and I'll have unlocked the intermediate ones.. or I suppose I could just start a free form zoo.. not quite sure how I'll do with that.. but I do like watching the zoo improve over time, have higher attendance, need to hire more matience workers to pick up the trash on the floor, etc. I'm normally not a computer game person, because the challenges usually go beyond my abilities, and it just frustrates me.. and if the challenges don't go beyond my ability, then it is a kids game, and I'm done it in a couple of hours and I'm finished it. so this is good.

BMR

Ok, so my basil metibolic rate is supposidly 1527. *rolls eyes* so by eating 1200 calories a day and exercising, I should be a skeleton! I don't get it.

So this week I have given in, and I am eating quite a bit more food. It is fun and interesting. I tried it previously, but apparently never really gave it a good shot. Exercising too much, then cutting out calories again. I record at thedailyplate.com and when I look at my "net calories" some days are obnoxiously low.

So since last weekend, I've been going for 1400 calories net. I have no idea if I hit it on Monday or not, because I didn't eat that much food, but we went out to lunch at a pizzaria and they had a pizza buffet. I didn't sensor myself at it, and ate everything I wanted. They are a brick oven place, and aren't heavy on the cheese at all... in fact several options didn't have cheese at all. The crust is usually paper thin, but it was a little thicker this time, which was very nice. so I recorded about 900 calories for lunch. But I had very little food for breakfast, and I had to force down a protein shake at dinner time because I still wasn't hungry. I had done quite a bit of exercising and working that day, so *shrug*

but my weight climbed, and climbed.. by yesterday I was up to 187!! arrgh. Scarey Scarey, but I decided to keep on this and see what happened, because according to several very reputable sources I SHOULD be losing weight on this modified diet.

This morning.. 185.

I'm going to keep it up, and if my weight goes back up before June 1st, I'm going to go see a professional dieticitian (man I wish I could spell that word) and get some serious help. I know I've been saying that for a while now, but I'm serious this time. Just as I was serious when I joined NS.. and I put that off and put that off.. Just hate spending money is all :) Glad I did with NS, and I'm sure if I see a professional, I will be glad with that too.. but getting me to open those purse strings .. oh so hard.

I'm one step closer to surgery for my BFAs as well. I'm wearing a very cute little outfit today, and they are like huge saddle bags..I can camo everything else (well not my upper belly pooch, but mostly, and they make control garments for that) there is NOTHING I can do for these arms. I need to go talk to someone, and see what is involved, and if I should work out the muscles in my arms first.. etc. If Im going to do it, I'm going to do it right! (incase you are wondering, I'm about 100 steps away from surgery.. it scares the CRAP out of me, but these arms bug the CRAP out of me too. And it isn't painful to talk to someone - is it?)

I've been putting off blogging lately, because i felt I really should continue revisiting my past. I'm not really enjoying it. Mostly because I have no idea how colored my memories are from my issues. There are many things I KNOW are true, and many things I only know from my perspective. Like was I not taken to dance lessons because we were broke? or because my mother didn't like me? I had my DH drop off a mother's day gift to her. Unfortunately she was home, and he ended up talking to them for a bit. Apparently my dad expressed that he didn't understand why I liked him, since he was way harder on me.. and I've got it down to one thought. He didn't treat me as an obligation. that one thought has colored all my memories of my mother. More and more glaring memories that reinforce that thought show up. Are they true? or am I using them to reinforce that one thought? I don't remember my mother showing affection for me randomly like my father had. I have photos of my father and I cuddling, I don't have any of my mother. Even as a child.. even as a baby I'm just in a carrier. is that because my father couldn't work the camera? do I remember my mother cuddling my sister? *shrug* I have no idea. I have one photo album from my child hood (mom has the rest) I should probably go through that.

I know a lot of the lack of cuddling is my fault. After a certain point I was so put off by my mother I wanted nothing to do with her. When was that point? *sigh*

another revilation that came up during my DH's visit, that I was an exasprating child (and I'm emotional, hence the horrid spelling) and when they punished me, I'd try to refute WHY I was being punished. I would argue and try to debate it, and they would shut me down cold, making me feel like I was worthless. They told my DH that my arguements were often quite valid and they had no defense against them (meaning I should have been validated and released from punishement but was not because they were the adult and I was the child) Made me feel happy and amazingly quite sad for my younger self to hear I was right.

Even now typing about it, I'm tearing up. *sigh*

why is family so powerful?

I really do wish I could go back in time and tell myself (or have someone else tell me) that my parents weren't always right, but they were to be put up with.. would have been easier.. So hard when you are a realist, and you are told your reality does not matter..

Anyway..

I had a couple of dreams last night that left me feeling quite sad. I wish (oh how I wish) I could be kinder to myself and have happy fun dreams that make me wake up with a smile or a giggle, and not ones that leave me feeling useless and worthless. One I was at work. Worked the whole day, left feeling beaten and drained, and that is when I realized that while I was at work at my current job, a woman who I can not stand from a previous job was working there too. WHY ON EARTH WOULD I PUT HER THERE?? She was petty, and mean, and self centered, arrgh.

Another dream had me going to my aunt's camp - which I've been thinking about a lot because we used to stay there for a week each summer. I think I was with my DH. We went down to go swimming, and the lake was actually the one at the camp I went to as a girl scout (previously alluded to in reminicing post) My aunt's camp has an open access to the lake, but the scout camp you had to walk between two large bolders. I manuvered between teh bolders and got on a raft. Just as I got on, at the bottom of the lake I saw long centipeide type creatures. White with lots of legs / tenticles that were longer than a centipede. They were all over the sand of the lake, some burring their way into the sand. We floated out into the lake, towards the big rock in the middle. I don't remember getting there though, I remember turning around and getting out, trying to keep away from the creatures. I was disappointed that the lake was infested, and we couldn't enjoy ourselves. Then the lake flooded the area we were on (this happens frequently in my dreams) and we were racing to pick things up. Woke up disappointed and frantic..

When am I going to win the lottery? or play with a pile of puppies.. or try on beautiful dresses, or be treated like celebrity?? these are MY dreams darn it.. they should be happy ones!!

the bottemless pit I call my tummy

Yesterday my stomach tapped into it's inner bottomless pit. And I fed it. I recorded almost everything I ate (ok the 20 calories of SF jello and whipped topping didn't make it.. and I probably ate 170 calories instead of 140 of cookies) and I was over 2000! for the day. I was shocked.

Figured when I got on the scale this morning I'd be over 185. I was dreading it, but prepared.. I was hoping 185.. not wanting to see anything over that. What did I get at 7am? one eighty freakin two!

yes.. 182! how on earth did THAT happen? and at 7am? (cause I'm heaviest at that time, usually weigh less at 9am)

so today I also appear to have a bottomless pit. I'm trying so very hard to be good.. but I've gotten into the cookies again.. *sigh* I need to throw those things away..

I also didn't exercise this AM. My foot hurt last night, it does that sometimes. Still hurt this morning, and I really was dragging (still am) so I blew it off. DH is still out of town, so I can do it tonight. Might even do 40 minutes instead of 20.. *shrug* who knows.

Kitten shower is this weekend. I have a couch full of stuff i need to get over there for it. I think I'll pack it up and take it over tomorrow after work. the woman's health expo is also on Saturday.. which I love going to. It starts at 8.. KS starts at 12.. so I suppose I could do both. I was going to bake as well... Maybe I can do that tonight too. I just saw this cute recipe for oreo frogs.. :)

I have come to the realization that if my DH wasn't around, I would survive. I depend on him for a LOT.. but with out him being around, I realize I wouldn't have to deal with any of HIS stuff. I can deal with my own stuff just fine.. but throw someone else's stuff in the mix, and I'm overwhelmed and frustrated. I'm sure this harkens back to days of dear ol mom.. forcing me to do chores I couldn't stand. most of the house hold chores I can't stand are things she made me do as a kid. it was a most interesting revealation. not one I'm sure my DH wants to know about as he really likes that I'm so dependant on him. and yes, I am one of those annoying wives.. but he doesn't mind (for the most part.. there are times when he's on his last nerve for what ever reason and doesn't mention it to me, so I go about being me - but hey, he spoiled me.. it's his fault!) Although six cats and one human is a bit much.. especially with my demanding crew. They ALL want attention.. and I've only got two arms.. woke up this morning to four cats pinning me to the bed, and the other two showed up shortly there after.

I also got a good look at my body this morning. I do feel I have body dismorphic disorder.. and that I see myself as much bigger than I am. I have moments though where I see the 'real' me.. and this morning was one of them. Two major points of contention.. my BFAs and the little roll of fat/excess stretched out skin over my belly button. If I got rid of those I'd be pleased. Of course that got me to examine the rest of me, and truth be told I'd also like my thighs fixed - as they like my BFAs have always been out of proportion.. but if I fix those, then my calves are going to look too big, and there is NO fixing those with out a fairygodmother.. (nothing wrong with my calves, they are just much thicker than most people's.. just as at 5'7" I'm much taller than other people.)

I'd still like to lose 30 more pounds and get back into the 150s.. (hell.. if I'm dreaming I might as well dream myself into the 130s.. ) but I'm not going to stress about it..

I'm good.

Now if I could just get this pit of a tummy to figure that out..

and if I could just get over this thing with my mother..

oh heck.. if I could just make a bunch of friends that would be good too..

more memories

I have some weird random memories floating around in my head..

Church is one that keeps popping up. I remember getting communion.. I remember being in Sunday School (but not anything that was said) I remember talk of, but not being in or going to, a Christmas pageant. I'm fairly certain I remember being a flower girl.. being taught to drop petals down.. but no idea who's wedding.. nor are there any pictures of me being said flower girl. There was a fair. I remember bits about the fair, but I have photos, so what is real and what is memorex? I'm not sure. I remember the woman with the pockets. A woman wore a dress or an apron with a lot of pockets all over the front a la advent calendar. You paid a price and you got to pick a prize out of one of her pockets. I think I remember the lollipop game from there as well. A cone with holes in it to stick lollipops in like a tree.. the bottom of the stick was either plain or colored with a marker. If you pulled out a colored one, you got a prize.

prizes.. I remember a penny fair at the k-3rd grade school I went to. a lucky duck game, a toss game.. a use a squirt gun to get a candle to go out game too. (yes.. live flames in a school.. this was so the 70s!)

the K-3 school I went to had two wings in the shape of an L. One was in the 'front' meaning it was what you saw when you drove up, where the play ground was, etc. The other jutted out into the back, and we were never allowed around that area of the school. that back wing was so forbidden to me.. so bizarre thinking about it now. The corner where the two wings met held the library and the Principal's office (probably the teacher's room too) and the cafeteria (that had a stage in it) I remember there was a folk singer came to preform for us, and we went to see him. I offered him a candy cigarette (all the rage for kids at the time) and he went on his anti-smoking kick. *rolls eyes* I wanted to be friendly, not lectured..

In school I was a tom boy through and through. Dolls and girlie things held no interest for me. Almost wish I could go back now and change that one thing, because since I didn't make friends at this point, I never would. I played with the boys, chase, and tag, and the such. I was quick and intelligent. Scored well on tests, knew the answers, periodically labeled a know it all. Played basketball and loved it till I got so good that they kept giving me the ball to score, but then got annoyed because I became a ball hog (seriously.. pick one. I can have the ball and score, or you can have it, you can't have both!) So I quit that team. I tried to pick it up later, but got annoyed at the politics again, and quit again. at least that is my recollection. I remember not being in the greatest shape around this time as well.. so maybe it was a bit of both.

Kindergarten.. kinda vague. I was on the first (or last depending on how you looked at it) room facing the play ground. there was one side facing the playground, the other side facing a green field that looked like a play ground but we weren't allowed on it.

First grade.. completely gone. I think I was in the second room on the far side.. but I don't know. My mom tells the story of my being sent to school in new shoes and telling me if the shoes got uncomfortable I could switch them out.. which I apparently proceeded to do - in the middle of class. When my teacher asked me to return to my seat I told her my mom said I could.. *shrug* don't know. Sounds like me though.

Second grade is kinda a blur too.

I remember many instances on the play ground. What years they are attributed I have no idea. K or 1st, I remember playing with the boys, probably inappropriate games for boys and girls to be playing.. and liking it. I remember a set of triplets who transferred in .. when I don't know, but they were just mysteriously there. Faith Hope and Charity. I really liked them. but as quickly as I became their friend, it seemed to disappear. I also remember this girl. who? I don't know. Did she continue on with me for the remaining years of school? no idea. Kinda embarrassed that I don't know. But she was poor. it was obvious, but we were kids, and all we knew was she was unkempt and different. I was talked into calling her names. I saw the look on her face, and I vowed then and there I would NEVER do that again! (and I didn't!!) I wasn't very nice to the mean kids in my school, but to me that is different.. it is just following the golden rule. I wish I could say I was really empathetic and apologized, but I don't know that either. I fear I didn't.

Third grade was with the same teacher in the same room. This is when 3 became my lucky number.. third room, third teacher, third grade.. seemed good enough to me. we used to have gym in the cafeteria, but one day we had it in our class room (or a spare class room I don't know) there were mats down on the floor, and I remember doing a walking hand stand. I remember surprising myself that I got as far as I did.


We did an experiment on solar energy that year.. I really liked it. We got to keep the solar tubes at the end of the year and they ended up at the girl scout day camp I had been going to for years. My mom was a .. troop leader? I don't remember, but she was involved in the camp for my sister, so I got to go along (cause what else were they going to do with me while my father worked? not rightly gonna shell out money for someone to watch me) Since I started at this camp so young, I got to know it VERY well.. which was kinda a menace to the adults I'm sure. Lot of half formed memories of camp. I remember being in the beginner's swim class for WAY too long, but then being reminded that I started years before the other swimmers, so I was doing very well. I remember the horrid red (then yellow then blue) swim caps we had to wear so the instructors could see us and know who we were and if we were out of bounds or not. I remember a big rock in the middle of the approved swim area and what a HUGE deal it was to get to it. I remember getting to the dock, and I remember getting to the rock just beyond the dock (frowned upon during swim class, but do-able while waiting around for your mother after camp)

I remember the trails, and I'm sure even know I could walk them blind folded. I remember having secret hiding places each year to get away from the people.. I remember bug juice.. and chores, and smores and camp fires, and dough boys. I haven't had a decent dough boy since leaving camp.. Don't know why I've replicated it down to the last detail.. *sigh* I remember the water pump.. the back cove on the other side of the owner's property (she let us use the land for our camp), flag ceremonies.. raising and lowering. What an honor it was when you were old enough to be chosen to fold it...

wait a minute.. I was going to stick to k-3.. I'm sure I'm out of that at camp.. so .. back to school..

third grade.. I remember spending a lot of time at the library. I remember being impressed with the office, and how HIGH the office desk was. I know we moved because I walked to kindergarten, but moved when I was six. I don't much remember taking the bus to school though - but I know I did. I remember the move, but not how it effected school, or even when we moved. I know that our Aunt Dee took us for the day. We went to her ... I have no idea.. but it wasn't the home we knew. Maybe she had a second investment property ?? it was in the next town over (a town she lived in) and was near the beach. Did we go to the beach? I have no idea.

I remember getting to pick out our rooms. I wanted the room between the garage and the living room - because the closet had two doors.. one that went into my room, the other went into the living room. I liked that. My sister got the one between my parents room and the bathroom. she never liked it because it was smaller. Why I got to pick over her, I do not know. Maybe I was there and she was off having fun? sound about right. My room was previously the den, and the owner sat in it with his dog smoking cigars. My mother bitched for years about how many times she had to wash those walls. how the water kept turning black. Constantly.. would not let it go.. hey.. you bought the house.. don't make me feel like the bad guy! The dog he had wasn't the best kept either, and he had peed on the floor - which my mother bitched about having to refinish, then bitched at me every time I did something that might make the floors not look like new. OMG I so wanted the pee stains back.. all her hard work blah blah blah.. well I never asked for it (which was pretty much the mantra of my life once I figured out I could actually talk back to my mother. I never asked for the floors to be done, I never asked for her to monitor every calorie that went in my body, and frankly I'd never asked to be born, so stop treating me like I should worship the ground you walk on for doing what ever it is YOU WANTED TO DO! arrgh.

again, I'm getting beyond 3rd grade... but frankly I don't really remember a lot about this time in my life either. I know we stopped going to Church. I was never told why. I over heard conversations about inappropriate actions on the part of the minister. what those were I have no idea. Probably money wise. Maybe it was just an excuse, because my parents never did go back. This would come back to haunt me in the fourth grade.. but if the kids had not been teasing me about not going to church, they would have found something else, because there was ALWAYS something for me to be teased about. it happened in the lower grades, but it would be ruthless in the next school.. 4th & 5th grade..

There is another set of memories that may start in the 3rd grade.. but for continuity, I'll just throw them in the 4-5th grade... the dreaded counciling. and oh the havoc that brought into my life..

my earliest memories

the first memory that i have that I KNOW is mine (and not some photograph replay of life) is waiting by the front door for my sister to come home from school. I lived in that house till I was six. So I'm thinking that memory was from when I was fourish. but honestly it could be anywhere from three to six. (my sister was three years older than me, and we started school when we were six. I remember little at this point other than I know I was looking out a window down the road. More a feeling than anything else.

the next memory I know is mine is standing very close to that same spot and vomiting. I have no idea why I was in the kitchen if I was so sick. I know I was in my PJs, and I pretty much vomited all over myself. My mother was not amused - but I don't remember her being mean about the whole thing... but then again I don't really remember all that much.. this one has pretty much turned from a memory to a snapshot of time.. I do know that from that point on I vowed I'd never vomit again, and I've only done it twice since. Seriously.

I remember a lot of flying dreams. Standing at the top of the stairs (the stairs went to two upstairs bedrooms, one on either side of the stairway, one being mine the other being my sisters. and flying and landing in the den that was at the base of the stairs.. or going on from there and ending up in never never land or where ever that odd place that your dreams take you. I also used to dream of the "black hands" two suspended hands that use to float around my bedroom. They came from a hole in the closet and picked up my room. I told my parents. I dont remember being upset about it.. was kinda glad my room got picked up. Mom said she picked up my room.. but still. There was a hole in the back of my closet.. they lived in there. My father boarded up the hole.. the hands never re-appeared.

My mother's brother came to visit us. I don't much remember the visit as the gifts he left. He left after we went to bed, and when we woke up we each had a stuffed animal and a piece of jewerly.. I think a bracelet, but I'm not certain. I don't even really remember which brother.

I remember the sheets I had on my bed - but I fear that memory comes from photos and the fact that those sheets hung around in one fashion or another till high school.

I remember my father building us a play room. A single room cottage type of building. I loved that thing. It moved to the new house, but stayed there when they sold that house after I had been married. I didn't own a house at that time, so I couldn't take it. :( I don't remember playing in it at that house, but I do remember him building it.

I remember the garden my father plowed as well. Huge garden in my mind, and in the photos.

I remember the old oak tree in the front yard.

I remember skating on the snow one year because it sleeted so hard. Got the video to prove it too. I remember making magic shows with my sister for that video camera as well. Silly thing, but fun for us at the time. I remember some joint birthday parties with my sister. I remember either three legged races or sack races..

I remember the sweet william in the back. I remember they were covered with some horrid beetles that once they attached themselves to you were hard to get off.

I have very vague memories of the basement. more the bulk head that opened up near where our play house was. I think I wasn't much allowed in the basement.

I remember the pocket door that went into the bathroom. I have always loved pocket doors.

I remember Christmas time in the den. The living room held the tv, and we were rarely allowed in it. no fire place, so stockings were hung on the head boards. I remember being amazed at the bounty Santa had left us.. I remember one present that was some odd mix of a pillow and a doll. I had a yellow one, my sister had the pink. We almost always got the exact same gifts as kids. as we got older, the trend followed.. although there was a bit more deviation. One year in the next house I got a 'bug maker" it was like an ez bake oven, but with goop instead of cake mix, and bug molds instead of cupcakes. I loved it.. (yes i was a weird child) I also got a doll house that year. I have photos of the bugs on the doll house.. :D

I have very few memories of the other people living in the house with me. my memories center around what I was doing, or what was affecting me. I do remember doing crafts on the kitchen table with a bunch of other girls and getting yelled at by my mother for getting something (most likely gooey) somewhere (most likely on the table under the papers she put out to protect it) I remember my sister's room. I remember the door to my parent's room (but do not remember it at all) I remember my dad had a garden, but no real memories of them as people.

I do remember the old ladies next door. Probably because they gave us candy. They moved out, and we went to visit them in their new place once or twice. Then one of the ladies died.. I don't remember what happened to the other, but I do know I have the tin canister the candy was 'hidden' in. How I came to own that, I have no idea... but I do cherish having it.

photo memories of the kitty "George" I have more memories of him at the 'new' house, but not many, he died shortly afterwards. Photo memories of the neighbors and their pool. Who they were, no idea. photo memories of my bedroom.. of the car we had. first day of school. but I do remember walking to school. I remember once taking the long way and it freaked my mother out because it probably took us 10 minutes longer (who us was though??? no idea) and we got yelled at.

I don't remember specifics of school. I remember kindergarden a little. I remember the teacher vaguely.. I remember getting yelled at for telling Sean to be quiet (ok I probably told him to shut up!) I remember thinking girls were silly.. I wanted to play chase and rough house with the boys.

memories pre move are sparce and light. like old faded photographs.. rarely more than a snapsot of a moment. and honestly hard to tell the difference between my own memories, and memories created out of looking at photographs. i have a photo of me sitting in my bedroom from back then. I don't remember taking it.. but the memories of the photograph are strong..

Oh wait.. there is the memory of my 'blankie' my security blanket that I loved and loved. the times it went missing were tramatic. I remember it was a patchwork think baby quilt. I remember it was smooth and cool and comforting. I remember dreaming there was a second one, so when the first one 'went away' I'd have a back up. I had my bear that whole time as well, but I don't much remember that from that time.

I do have random memories I can associate with general times, but I don't know if they happened before or after the time period I established for this reminicing. Trips to a store that had a big white polka dotted elephant. Grocery shopping in a weird little shop in the next town over (I loved that store, had several different rooms to shop in, and you progressed through the rooms till you got to the check out) grocery shopping in the IGA where I took my first piece of candy with out paying for it. Got yelled at for that too. I took it and hid it because I wanted it, and I knew my mother would never let me have candy - not because I was attempting to steal... just happened that way. Although I did steal a bit after that.. a few five finger discounts.. except for the big star from the carpet store (I know.. what was I thinking) I have no idea really what I stole... although my life of crime was mostly in high school. Going to the drive in to see lassie and ET. going in our station wagon, wearing our jammies.. Loved that..

I know I was bit by a dog while I was in diapers. another set of neighbors kept a lot of dogs, and one got loose and bit me. but I don't remember that. I do remember the stand off with the police because of all his dogs. I remember being told that the police shot one of his dogs.

I remember a kids table at thanksgiving.. I remember the table being set for thanksgiving.. but not much else.

I'll comb my memory a bit more see if I can dig out anything further from this time frame. This has been kinda interesting, and much longer than I thought it would be. not quite sure how I'll separate out other time frames.. maybe schools? we'll see.