BMR

Ok, so my basil metibolic rate is supposidly 1527. *rolls eyes* so by eating 1200 calories a day and exercising, I should be a skeleton! I don't get it.

So this week I have given in, and I am eating quite a bit more food. It is fun and interesting. I tried it previously, but apparently never really gave it a good shot. Exercising too much, then cutting out calories again. I record at thedailyplate.com and when I look at my "net calories" some days are obnoxiously low.

So since last weekend, I've been going for 1400 calories net. I have no idea if I hit it on Monday or not, because I didn't eat that much food, but we went out to lunch at a pizzaria and they had a pizza buffet. I didn't sensor myself at it, and ate everything I wanted. They are a brick oven place, and aren't heavy on the cheese at all... in fact several options didn't have cheese at all. The crust is usually paper thin, but it was a little thicker this time, which was very nice. so I recorded about 900 calories for lunch. But I had very little food for breakfast, and I had to force down a protein shake at dinner time because I still wasn't hungry. I had done quite a bit of exercising and working that day, so *shrug*

but my weight climbed, and climbed.. by yesterday I was up to 187!! arrgh. Scarey Scarey, but I decided to keep on this and see what happened, because according to several very reputable sources I SHOULD be losing weight on this modified diet.

This morning.. 185.

I'm going to keep it up, and if my weight goes back up before June 1st, I'm going to go see a professional dieticitian (man I wish I could spell that word) and get some serious help. I know I've been saying that for a while now, but I'm serious this time. Just as I was serious when I joined NS.. and I put that off and put that off.. Just hate spending money is all :) Glad I did with NS, and I'm sure if I see a professional, I will be glad with that too.. but getting me to open those purse strings .. oh so hard.

I'm one step closer to surgery for my BFAs as well. I'm wearing a very cute little outfit today, and they are like huge saddle bags..I can camo everything else (well not my upper belly pooch, but mostly, and they make control garments for that) there is NOTHING I can do for these arms. I need to go talk to someone, and see what is involved, and if I should work out the muscles in my arms first.. etc. If Im going to do it, I'm going to do it right! (incase you are wondering, I'm about 100 steps away from surgery.. it scares the CRAP out of me, but these arms bug the CRAP out of me too. And it isn't painful to talk to someone - is it?)

I've been putting off blogging lately, because i felt I really should continue revisiting my past. I'm not really enjoying it. Mostly because I have no idea how colored my memories are from my issues. There are many things I KNOW are true, and many things I only know from my perspective. Like was I not taken to dance lessons because we were broke? or because my mother didn't like me? I had my DH drop off a mother's day gift to her. Unfortunately she was home, and he ended up talking to them for a bit. Apparently my dad expressed that he didn't understand why I liked him, since he was way harder on me.. and I've got it down to one thought. He didn't treat me as an obligation. that one thought has colored all my memories of my mother. More and more glaring memories that reinforce that thought show up. Are they true? or am I using them to reinforce that one thought? I don't remember my mother showing affection for me randomly like my father had. I have photos of my father and I cuddling, I don't have any of my mother. Even as a child.. even as a baby I'm just in a carrier. is that because my father couldn't work the camera? do I remember my mother cuddling my sister? *shrug* I have no idea. I have one photo album from my child hood (mom has the rest) I should probably go through that.

I know a lot of the lack of cuddling is my fault. After a certain point I was so put off by my mother I wanted nothing to do with her. When was that point? *sigh*

another revilation that came up during my DH's visit, that I was an exasprating child (and I'm emotional, hence the horrid spelling) and when they punished me, I'd try to refute WHY I was being punished. I would argue and try to debate it, and they would shut me down cold, making me feel like I was worthless. They told my DH that my arguements were often quite valid and they had no defense against them (meaning I should have been validated and released from punishement but was not because they were the adult and I was the child) Made me feel happy and amazingly quite sad for my younger self to hear I was right.

Even now typing about it, I'm tearing up. *sigh*

why is family so powerful?

I really do wish I could go back in time and tell myself (or have someone else tell me) that my parents weren't always right, but they were to be put up with.. would have been easier.. So hard when you are a realist, and you are told your reality does not matter..

Anyway..

I had a couple of dreams last night that left me feeling quite sad. I wish (oh how I wish) I could be kinder to myself and have happy fun dreams that make me wake up with a smile or a giggle, and not ones that leave me feeling useless and worthless. One I was at work. Worked the whole day, left feeling beaten and drained, and that is when I realized that while I was at work at my current job, a woman who I can not stand from a previous job was working there too. WHY ON EARTH WOULD I PUT HER THERE?? She was petty, and mean, and self centered, arrgh.

Another dream had me going to my aunt's camp - which I've been thinking about a lot because we used to stay there for a week each summer. I think I was with my DH. We went down to go swimming, and the lake was actually the one at the camp I went to as a girl scout (previously alluded to in reminicing post) My aunt's camp has an open access to the lake, but the scout camp you had to walk between two large bolders. I manuvered between teh bolders and got on a raft. Just as I got on, at the bottom of the lake I saw long centipeide type creatures. White with lots of legs / tenticles that were longer than a centipede. They were all over the sand of the lake, some burring their way into the sand. We floated out into the lake, towards the big rock in the middle. I don't remember getting there though, I remember turning around and getting out, trying to keep away from the creatures. I was disappointed that the lake was infested, and we couldn't enjoy ourselves. Then the lake flooded the area we were on (this happens frequently in my dreams) and we were racing to pick things up. Woke up disappointed and frantic..

When am I going to win the lottery? or play with a pile of puppies.. or try on beautiful dresses, or be treated like celebrity?? these are MY dreams darn it.. they should be happy ones!!

the bottemless pit I call my tummy

Yesterday my stomach tapped into it's inner bottomless pit. And I fed it. I recorded almost everything I ate (ok the 20 calories of SF jello and whipped topping didn't make it.. and I probably ate 170 calories instead of 140 of cookies) and I was over 2000! for the day. I was shocked.

Figured when I got on the scale this morning I'd be over 185. I was dreading it, but prepared.. I was hoping 185.. not wanting to see anything over that. What did I get at 7am? one eighty freakin two!

yes.. 182! how on earth did THAT happen? and at 7am? (cause I'm heaviest at that time, usually weigh less at 9am)

so today I also appear to have a bottomless pit. I'm trying so very hard to be good.. but I've gotten into the cookies again.. *sigh* I need to throw those things away..

I also didn't exercise this AM. My foot hurt last night, it does that sometimes. Still hurt this morning, and I really was dragging (still am) so I blew it off. DH is still out of town, so I can do it tonight. Might even do 40 minutes instead of 20.. *shrug* who knows.

Kitten shower is this weekend. I have a couch full of stuff i need to get over there for it. I think I'll pack it up and take it over tomorrow after work. the woman's health expo is also on Saturday.. which I love going to. It starts at 8.. KS starts at 12.. so I suppose I could do both. I was going to bake as well... Maybe I can do that tonight too. I just saw this cute recipe for oreo frogs.. :)

I have come to the realization that if my DH wasn't around, I would survive. I depend on him for a LOT.. but with out him being around, I realize I wouldn't have to deal with any of HIS stuff. I can deal with my own stuff just fine.. but throw someone else's stuff in the mix, and I'm overwhelmed and frustrated. I'm sure this harkens back to days of dear ol mom.. forcing me to do chores I couldn't stand. most of the house hold chores I can't stand are things she made me do as a kid. it was a most interesting revealation. not one I'm sure my DH wants to know about as he really likes that I'm so dependant on him. and yes, I am one of those annoying wives.. but he doesn't mind (for the most part.. there are times when he's on his last nerve for what ever reason and doesn't mention it to me, so I go about being me - but hey, he spoiled me.. it's his fault!) Although six cats and one human is a bit much.. especially with my demanding crew. They ALL want attention.. and I've only got two arms.. woke up this morning to four cats pinning me to the bed, and the other two showed up shortly there after.

I also got a good look at my body this morning. I do feel I have body dismorphic disorder.. and that I see myself as much bigger than I am. I have moments though where I see the 'real' me.. and this morning was one of them. Two major points of contention.. my BFAs and the little roll of fat/excess stretched out skin over my belly button. If I got rid of those I'd be pleased. Of course that got me to examine the rest of me, and truth be told I'd also like my thighs fixed - as they like my BFAs have always been out of proportion.. but if I fix those, then my calves are going to look too big, and there is NO fixing those with out a fairygodmother.. (nothing wrong with my calves, they are just much thicker than most people's.. just as at 5'7" I'm much taller than other people.)

I'd still like to lose 30 more pounds and get back into the 150s.. (hell.. if I'm dreaming I might as well dream myself into the 130s.. ) but I'm not going to stress about it..

I'm good.

Now if I could just get this pit of a tummy to figure that out..

and if I could just get over this thing with my mother..

oh heck.. if I could just make a bunch of friends that would be good too..

more memories

I have some weird random memories floating around in my head..

Church is one that keeps popping up. I remember getting communion.. I remember being in Sunday School (but not anything that was said) I remember talk of, but not being in or going to, a Christmas pageant. I'm fairly certain I remember being a flower girl.. being taught to drop petals down.. but no idea who's wedding.. nor are there any pictures of me being said flower girl. There was a fair. I remember bits about the fair, but I have photos, so what is real and what is memorex? I'm not sure. I remember the woman with the pockets. A woman wore a dress or an apron with a lot of pockets all over the front a la advent calendar. You paid a price and you got to pick a prize out of one of her pockets. I think I remember the lollipop game from there as well. A cone with holes in it to stick lollipops in like a tree.. the bottom of the stick was either plain or colored with a marker. If you pulled out a colored one, you got a prize.

prizes.. I remember a penny fair at the k-3rd grade school I went to. a lucky duck game, a toss game.. a use a squirt gun to get a candle to go out game too. (yes.. live flames in a school.. this was so the 70s!)

the K-3 school I went to had two wings in the shape of an L. One was in the 'front' meaning it was what you saw when you drove up, where the play ground was, etc. The other jutted out into the back, and we were never allowed around that area of the school. that back wing was so forbidden to me.. so bizarre thinking about it now. The corner where the two wings met held the library and the Principal's office (probably the teacher's room too) and the cafeteria (that had a stage in it) I remember there was a folk singer came to preform for us, and we went to see him. I offered him a candy cigarette (all the rage for kids at the time) and he went on his anti-smoking kick. *rolls eyes* I wanted to be friendly, not lectured..

In school I was a tom boy through and through. Dolls and girlie things held no interest for me. Almost wish I could go back now and change that one thing, because since I didn't make friends at this point, I never would. I played with the boys, chase, and tag, and the such. I was quick and intelligent. Scored well on tests, knew the answers, periodically labeled a know it all. Played basketball and loved it till I got so good that they kept giving me the ball to score, but then got annoyed because I became a ball hog (seriously.. pick one. I can have the ball and score, or you can have it, you can't have both!) So I quit that team. I tried to pick it up later, but got annoyed at the politics again, and quit again. at least that is my recollection. I remember not being in the greatest shape around this time as well.. so maybe it was a bit of both.

Kindergarten.. kinda vague. I was on the first (or last depending on how you looked at it) room facing the play ground. there was one side facing the playground, the other side facing a green field that looked like a play ground but we weren't allowed on it.

First grade.. completely gone. I think I was in the second room on the far side.. but I don't know. My mom tells the story of my being sent to school in new shoes and telling me if the shoes got uncomfortable I could switch them out.. which I apparently proceeded to do - in the middle of class. When my teacher asked me to return to my seat I told her my mom said I could.. *shrug* don't know. Sounds like me though.

Second grade is kinda a blur too.

I remember many instances on the play ground. What years they are attributed I have no idea. K or 1st, I remember playing with the boys, probably inappropriate games for boys and girls to be playing.. and liking it. I remember a set of triplets who transferred in .. when I don't know, but they were just mysteriously there. Faith Hope and Charity. I really liked them. but as quickly as I became their friend, it seemed to disappear. I also remember this girl. who? I don't know. Did she continue on with me for the remaining years of school? no idea. Kinda embarrassed that I don't know. But she was poor. it was obvious, but we were kids, and all we knew was she was unkempt and different. I was talked into calling her names. I saw the look on her face, and I vowed then and there I would NEVER do that again! (and I didn't!!) I wasn't very nice to the mean kids in my school, but to me that is different.. it is just following the golden rule. I wish I could say I was really empathetic and apologized, but I don't know that either. I fear I didn't.

Third grade was with the same teacher in the same room. This is when 3 became my lucky number.. third room, third teacher, third grade.. seemed good enough to me. we used to have gym in the cafeteria, but one day we had it in our class room (or a spare class room I don't know) there were mats down on the floor, and I remember doing a walking hand stand. I remember surprising myself that I got as far as I did.


We did an experiment on solar energy that year.. I really liked it. We got to keep the solar tubes at the end of the year and they ended up at the girl scout day camp I had been going to for years. My mom was a .. troop leader? I don't remember, but she was involved in the camp for my sister, so I got to go along (cause what else were they going to do with me while my father worked? not rightly gonna shell out money for someone to watch me) Since I started at this camp so young, I got to know it VERY well.. which was kinda a menace to the adults I'm sure. Lot of half formed memories of camp. I remember being in the beginner's swim class for WAY too long, but then being reminded that I started years before the other swimmers, so I was doing very well. I remember the horrid red (then yellow then blue) swim caps we had to wear so the instructors could see us and know who we were and if we were out of bounds or not. I remember a big rock in the middle of the approved swim area and what a HUGE deal it was to get to it. I remember getting to the dock, and I remember getting to the rock just beyond the dock (frowned upon during swim class, but do-able while waiting around for your mother after camp)

I remember the trails, and I'm sure even know I could walk them blind folded. I remember having secret hiding places each year to get away from the people.. I remember bug juice.. and chores, and smores and camp fires, and dough boys. I haven't had a decent dough boy since leaving camp.. Don't know why I've replicated it down to the last detail.. *sigh* I remember the water pump.. the back cove on the other side of the owner's property (she let us use the land for our camp), flag ceremonies.. raising and lowering. What an honor it was when you were old enough to be chosen to fold it...

wait a minute.. I was going to stick to k-3.. I'm sure I'm out of that at camp.. so .. back to school..

third grade.. I remember spending a lot of time at the library. I remember being impressed with the office, and how HIGH the office desk was. I know we moved because I walked to kindergarten, but moved when I was six. I don't much remember taking the bus to school though - but I know I did. I remember the move, but not how it effected school, or even when we moved. I know that our Aunt Dee took us for the day. We went to her ... I have no idea.. but it wasn't the home we knew. Maybe she had a second investment property ?? it was in the next town over (a town she lived in) and was near the beach. Did we go to the beach? I have no idea.

I remember getting to pick out our rooms. I wanted the room between the garage and the living room - because the closet had two doors.. one that went into my room, the other went into the living room. I liked that. My sister got the one between my parents room and the bathroom. she never liked it because it was smaller. Why I got to pick over her, I do not know. Maybe I was there and she was off having fun? sound about right. My room was previously the den, and the owner sat in it with his dog smoking cigars. My mother bitched for years about how many times she had to wash those walls. how the water kept turning black. Constantly.. would not let it go.. hey.. you bought the house.. don't make me feel like the bad guy! The dog he had wasn't the best kept either, and he had peed on the floor - which my mother bitched about having to refinish, then bitched at me every time I did something that might make the floors not look like new. OMG I so wanted the pee stains back.. all her hard work blah blah blah.. well I never asked for it (which was pretty much the mantra of my life once I figured out I could actually talk back to my mother. I never asked for the floors to be done, I never asked for her to monitor every calorie that went in my body, and frankly I'd never asked to be born, so stop treating me like I should worship the ground you walk on for doing what ever it is YOU WANTED TO DO! arrgh.

again, I'm getting beyond 3rd grade... but frankly I don't really remember a lot about this time in my life either. I know we stopped going to Church. I was never told why. I over heard conversations about inappropriate actions on the part of the minister. what those were I have no idea. Probably money wise. Maybe it was just an excuse, because my parents never did go back. This would come back to haunt me in the fourth grade.. but if the kids had not been teasing me about not going to church, they would have found something else, because there was ALWAYS something for me to be teased about. it happened in the lower grades, but it would be ruthless in the next school.. 4th & 5th grade..

There is another set of memories that may start in the 3rd grade.. but for continuity, I'll just throw them in the 4-5th grade... the dreaded counciling. and oh the havoc that brought into my life..

my earliest memories

the first memory that i have that I KNOW is mine (and not some photograph replay of life) is waiting by the front door for my sister to come home from school. I lived in that house till I was six. So I'm thinking that memory was from when I was fourish. but honestly it could be anywhere from three to six. (my sister was three years older than me, and we started school when we were six. I remember little at this point other than I know I was looking out a window down the road. More a feeling than anything else.

the next memory I know is mine is standing very close to that same spot and vomiting. I have no idea why I was in the kitchen if I was so sick. I know I was in my PJs, and I pretty much vomited all over myself. My mother was not amused - but I don't remember her being mean about the whole thing... but then again I don't really remember all that much.. this one has pretty much turned from a memory to a snapshot of time.. I do know that from that point on I vowed I'd never vomit again, and I've only done it twice since. Seriously.

I remember a lot of flying dreams. Standing at the top of the stairs (the stairs went to two upstairs bedrooms, one on either side of the stairway, one being mine the other being my sisters. and flying and landing in the den that was at the base of the stairs.. or going on from there and ending up in never never land or where ever that odd place that your dreams take you. I also used to dream of the "black hands" two suspended hands that use to float around my bedroom. They came from a hole in the closet and picked up my room. I told my parents. I dont remember being upset about it.. was kinda glad my room got picked up. Mom said she picked up my room.. but still. There was a hole in the back of my closet.. they lived in there. My father boarded up the hole.. the hands never re-appeared.

My mother's brother came to visit us. I don't much remember the visit as the gifts he left. He left after we went to bed, and when we woke up we each had a stuffed animal and a piece of jewerly.. I think a bracelet, but I'm not certain. I don't even really remember which brother.

I remember the sheets I had on my bed - but I fear that memory comes from photos and the fact that those sheets hung around in one fashion or another till high school.

I remember my father building us a play room. A single room cottage type of building. I loved that thing. It moved to the new house, but stayed there when they sold that house after I had been married. I didn't own a house at that time, so I couldn't take it. :( I don't remember playing in it at that house, but I do remember him building it.

I remember the garden my father plowed as well. Huge garden in my mind, and in the photos.

I remember the old oak tree in the front yard.

I remember skating on the snow one year because it sleeted so hard. Got the video to prove it too. I remember making magic shows with my sister for that video camera as well. Silly thing, but fun for us at the time. I remember some joint birthday parties with my sister. I remember either three legged races or sack races..

I remember the sweet william in the back. I remember they were covered with some horrid beetles that once they attached themselves to you were hard to get off.

I have very vague memories of the basement. more the bulk head that opened up near where our play house was. I think I wasn't much allowed in the basement.

I remember the pocket door that went into the bathroom. I have always loved pocket doors.

I remember Christmas time in the den. The living room held the tv, and we were rarely allowed in it. no fire place, so stockings were hung on the head boards. I remember being amazed at the bounty Santa had left us.. I remember one present that was some odd mix of a pillow and a doll. I had a yellow one, my sister had the pink. We almost always got the exact same gifts as kids. as we got older, the trend followed.. although there was a bit more deviation. One year in the next house I got a 'bug maker" it was like an ez bake oven, but with goop instead of cake mix, and bug molds instead of cupcakes. I loved it.. (yes i was a weird child) I also got a doll house that year. I have photos of the bugs on the doll house.. :D

I have very few memories of the other people living in the house with me. my memories center around what I was doing, or what was affecting me. I do remember doing crafts on the kitchen table with a bunch of other girls and getting yelled at by my mother for getting something (most likely gooey) somewhere (most likely on the table under the papers she put out to protect it) I remember my sister's room. I remember the door to my parent's room (but do not remember it at all) I remember my dad had a garden, but no real memories of them as people.

I do remember the old ladies next door. Probably because they gave us candy. They moved out, and we went to visit them in their new place once or twice. Then one of the ladies died.. I don't remember what happened to the other, but I do know I have the tin canister the candy was 'hidden' in. How I came to own that, I have no idea... but I do cherish having it.

photo memories of the kitty "George" I have more memories of him at the 'new' house, but not many, he died shortly afterwards. Photo memories of the neighbors and their pool. Who they were, no idea. photo memories of my bedroom.. of the car we had. first day of school. but I do remember walking to school. I remember once taking the long way and it freaked my mother out because it probably took us 10 minutes longer (who us was though??? no idea) and we got yelled at.

I don't remember specifics of school. I remember kindergarden a little. I remember the teacher vaguely.. I remember getting yelled at for telling Sean to be quiet (ok I probably told him to shut up!) I remember thinking girls were silly.. I wanted to play chase and rough house with the boys.

memories pre move are sparce and light. like old faded photographs.. rarely more than a snapsot of a moment. and honestly hard to tell the difference between my own memories, and memories created out of looking at photographs. i have a photo of me sitting in my bedroom from back then. I don't remember taking it.. but the memories of the photograph are strong..

Oh wait.. there is the memory of my 'blankie' my security blanket that I loved and loved. the times it went missing were tramatic. I remember it was a patchwork think baby quilt. I remember it was smooth and cool and comforting. I remember dreaming there was a second one, so when the first one 'went away' I'd have a back up. I had my bear that whole time as well, but I don't much remember that from that time.

I do have random memories I can associate with general times, but I don't know if they happened before or after the time period I established for this reminicing. Trips to a store that had a big white polka dotted elephant. Grocery shopping in a weird little shop in the next town over (I loved that store, had several different rooms to shop in, and you progressed through the rooms till you got to the check out) grocery shopping in the IGA where I took my first piece of candy with out paying for it. Got yelled at for that too. I took it and hid it because I wanted it, and I knew my mother would never let me have candy - not because I was attempting to steal... just happened that way. Although I did steal a bit after that.. a few five finger discounts.. except for the big star from the carpet store (I know.. what was I thinking) I have no idea really what I stole... although my life of crime was mostly in high school. Going to the drive in to see lassie and ET. going in our station wagon, wearing our jammies.. Loved that..

I know I was bit by a dog while I was in diapers. another set of neighbors kept a lot of dogs, and one got loose and bit me. but I don't remember that. I do remember the stand off with the police because of all his dogs. I remember being told that the police shot one of his dogs.

I remember a kids table at thanksgiving.. I remember the table being set for thanksgiving.. but not much else.

I'll comb my memory a bit more see if I can dig out anything further from this time frame. This has been kinda interesting, and much longer than I thought it would be. not quite sure how I'll separate out other time frames.. maybe schools? we'll see.

Mom

I had a dream about my mother the other day. we were out driving and went to the grocery store. She went to park close to the door. There was a huge puddle of water on my side of the car, and I reminded her that I wasn't wearing boots, and huffily she put the car in reverse and backed out of the spot. She wasn't paying attention and came with in millimeters of hitting an elderly woman. She moved the car to the other side of the store and we got out and went in.

We walked into the produce department, and there was the 'day old' stuff there. I like to pick through that and see if there is anything that is good. I was looking at some bananas, and there was some broken glass and a miniature baby food jar in it. mom was just being annoying and telling me to either get it or put it back, and the dream ended.

I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately. it has been a rather long time since I've had any direct contact with her. The last time I saw her was last summer at a family function and she left half way through because my nephew fell down and cut his head and was bleeding kinda bad.

I have spent the past couple of years facing all the negativity my mother has brought into my life. She has rarely been kind to me. As long as I can remember, I was not the daughter she wanted, and she did what she had to but rarely treated me like I was precious or wanted. looking back I realized I often felt like I was treated like a step child that just came along as part of the package. I wasn't, so go figure.

I've been trying to face some of the positives in my life with regards to my mother. honestly it is hard. Most of the not negatives were things that were done ... well it feels like they were done out of obligation, not because I was loved or cherished. Yes, I got birthday and Christmas gifts. Yes I was fed, and clothed. but there was so much 'you could be so much more' was never 'you are ok as you are'

by digging into my past, and facing these negatives, I'm hoping to face the evil voice in my head that tells me I'm worthless. The voice that drives me to the kitchen to drown that voice with food. I have to say that I have come a very long way (70 lbs) but I still have a ways to go (30 more) and apparently my weight is very tied into my self esteem.. cause I have been stuck in more ways than one for the past year.

I've hashed over all the negativity I can. I've looked at it under as many different lights possible. (she couldn't have possibly meant that, she must have meant to say it and mean this) at this point I'm feeling worse than I have in a while. Mostly because I haven't seen my father in two years, and my sister is annoying the living crap out of me. First was her calling mom "her mother".. like she's pretty much disowned me, then was the failure to call or email me when she got her doctorate, then she didn't call or write when I sent gifts to the boys (that irritates me more than anything else, and she knows it) and then today I saw my BIL on the news for the local college graduation. grrr. She apparently doesn't want me in her life. I have reached out to her several times, and she hasn't reached out to me once. wait.. she sorta did. She called me once after I sent her a birthday card..

So anyway... that is even more negativity isn't it. So I'm trying to focus on the positive. There has to be some that I've hidden in all my hate. I remember being read bedtime stories. and the only other positive memory probably shouldn't be on my list cause it is food related.. but i love my mother's Christmas cookies.

So I'm spending time trying to relive my child hood memories. not something I've ever liked to do, so I'm stressed over it. I'm also having a very hard time.. cause if you try to forget about things for 20 years, it is very hard to remember them. what I am coming up with are positives for my dad (carrying me out of the roller skate rink when I broke my leg) or more negatives (how my sister got ballet lessons and I never did, even though I really really wanted to)

I'm trying to frame my child hood memories with an adult brain. My parents were a one income house hold for many years.. Dad had a blue collar job, so I'm sure money wasn't free flowing. I don't remember money ever really being an issue. Things just were. Maybe I didn't get ballet lessons because of money, I have no idea. I'm trying to give my mother the benefit of the best possible framing as I can. I'm having a very hard time with it. But I am determined to come up with a couple of more.

so I missed her birthday.. but I got her a gift for Mother's day. She works at the local school system, and I found a few things with their logo on them shortly after I stopped talking to her. I bought them.. don't know why. Gave them to her now, and apparently she's loosing her job.. I think I would call that ironic..

You could have eaten about 2 additional calories

ha ha ha.. that just amused me this morning.

I register my food intake at a website called thedailyplate.com I like it cause it helps me see the fat/protein/carb and fiber I eat each day, as well as see what my caloric intake is. Now granted, I take it as a general guide, not an exact science - cause how did they know I licked my plate clean or left some behind?

But last night I had the munchies kinda bad. Had and fought them all day long, and when I got home (DH was off playing golf - the goober) all I wanted to do was munch, and I knew actually eating wasn't going to do thing one for it.. (sometimes the mouth wants what the stomach can't handle) So I tried to be good while feeding myself a wide variety of foods. I had dinner (a lean cuisine dinner) and then popcorn (100 calorie pack - I am so thankful for those!) dessert (a NS peanut butter cookie with a little peanut butter) then more peanut butter, then more sweets (WW little caramel cake - ok two.. and ok they were still frozen.. sue me!) I really really wanted to shovel more food in my mouth, but I crawled into bed instead (with the last caramel cake)

and even after all that, TDP says I could eat 2 more calories .. he he he

shame

I was watching Steven Colbert this morning (thank you Tivo) and he had on a guest that apparently was on the national terror list (he said he doesn't know for certain). He's a US citizen, but was born in another country. He's a professor, and apparently an all around 'good guy'. After he was pulled out of line at an airport, he relized he was under observation, so he decided to observe himself and post it all on line. He tracks his wearabouts, what he eats, where he goes, what he does, etc. His thinking that people can't pry into his privacy if he has no privacy. He believes he takes away the power others can gain over him by watching him.

this got me thinking.. about weight. Not quite sure of the segue, but there is power in shame of the number we weigh. and in the clothing size we wear. Queen Latifia is on a diet in the national spotlight but she won't reveil how much she started at, how much she has lost, what size she is or was or anything other than that she's lost x% of her body weight and she's lovin it. Even Valerie has joined on the bandwagon and is now "a size loving life" *rolls eyes*

Having lost a lot of the weight I wanted to get rid of, I'm at an odd point that when I look at my nekkid body, I see a big fat huge rolly polly person. Ok I see exactly the same person I was when I started this journey. Exactly the same. now when I look at clothes, I know that the new sizes are going to fit me (mostly) and the old sizes are way too huge, but I'm still held back.

I've actually asked women what size they are. Mostly those who know me, and know I've just lost a bunch of weight. I explain that I still feel huge, and just want to try to get a visual of what I look like in relationship to other people. Like my boss is skinny and cute and I like her body.. she's a size 10. I'm a 12.. yet when I think of my body in compairsion to hers, I still feel HUGE.. *sigh*

if we knew where everyone stood.. if weights and sizes weren't taboo.. I'm sure a lot more people would feel a lot more comfortable in their own skin..

and frankly if they were required to post the unaltered photo of women in fashion and fitness magazines, that would help too!

As to the title of this post. I remember the first time I told someone my weight. I was on line considering meeting up with one of the first women I'd ever met on line. as a result, we had to go into physical descriptions.. I was so embarassed to talk about it. I did.. but it still was very uncomfortable. I really hate that.

btw.. this morning... 184 yesterday 182. I'm sure I'll be back to the lower side of that tomorrow.. as I've been stuck there for about a year now.. size 12 pants.. size xs-m tops.. (got to love vanity sizing) so there!

vidalia onions

Yes, this post is dedicated to an onion.. but not just ANY onion.. but the sweet, unique, wonderful vadalia!

Now I know I like vadalia onions, but it seems each year I forget how great they really are.. how sweet, and how eating them raw is still sweet.. it saddens me that they last for only a short period of time.. saddens me even more when the crop is kinda off and we get onions that look a little old and battle worn.

Last time we had great onions up here, I bought a case and read all the tricks and stored them for a very long time, I was in heaven!!

I so wish they would find a way to get these things grown all year round!