1.30.2008
182.5
I can't tell if I'm not eating enough, or if I'm eating too much. So I'm going to try to track it for a couple of days and see where I am. Didn't bring anything to write it all down on, so I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do.
My shake this morning was ~300 calories. I had a 1/4 teaspoon of frosting cause I got a major sugar craving.. stupid because I really don't like that frosting. Think I'm going to throw it out when I get home. I also brought a SF soda.. I hate drinking soda, but I love it at the same time. As much as I don't want to, I think I'm going to have it for a nice little zero calorie "cheat"
I woke up at 4:44 this morning. Instead of laying in bed plotting my husband's doom (as he can sleep through ANYTHING) I got up, got on the computer till he got up, then went and exercised. I then got back into bed, and just as I was having to get up, I was falling asleep again. Curse this working crap. Oh to be independantly wealthy.. Of course I still want my DH to get up and go to work.. as I really am not a fan of trying to sleep with him in the bed. Who on earth designed men and woman to sleep together... (no.. not the sex part.. although that too is awkward on face value) really should be beaten.. only problem is, it bugs me when he's not there too.. *sigh* I really can't win :D
did get through my exercise with out stopping. I always appreciate that cause then it only takes 40 minutes. Although they do say it is more effective if you pause in the middle of it. But then once again, so many different opinions.. *shrug*
My shake this morning was ~300 calories. I had a 1/4 teaspoon of frosting cause I got a major sugar craving.. stupid because I really don't like that frosting. Think I'm going to throw it out when I get home. I also brought a SF soda.. I hate drinking soda, but I love it at the same time. As much as I don't want to, I think I'm going to have it for a nice little zero calorie "cheat"
I woke up at 4:44 this morning. Instead of laying in bed plotting my husband's doom (as he can sleep through ANYTHING) I got up, got on the computer till he got up, then went and exercised. I then got back into bed, and just as I was having to get up, I was falling asleep again. Curse this working crap. Oh to be independantly wealthy.. Of course I still want my DH to get up and go to work.. as I really am not a fan of trying to sleep with him in the bed. Who on earth designed men and woman to sleep together... (no.. not the sex part.. although that too is awkward on face value) really should be beaten.. only problem is, it bugs me when he's not there too.. *sigh* I really can't win :D
did get through my exercise with out stopping. I always appreciate that cause then it only takes 40 minutes. Although they do say it is more effective if you pause in the middle of it. But then once again, so many different opinions.. *shrug*
1.29.2008
182.5
*sigh*
must remember the scale is evil and lies to me to ruin my day.. Must not let it. Must continue to do things right, and things will happen.
*sob*
Another bad day, can you tell? I just want to go home and crawl into bed.. but I know if I do that, I'll never get out. I can't let the depression win.. *stands tall with hands on hips* I am stronger than that!! so there..
*looks around for bed*
Ok seriously, I am sick of this. I know I haven't been the most ideal dietier... but I've been stuck at this general weight for about a year now!! ok, about this time last year I was 199ish.. so I lost 17lbs ish.. I suppose if I take another year to lose 17 more pounds I'll be 165.. :D That would be nice.. of course I'm sure once I'm there I'd try to for 155.. which will take me into 2010! arrgh.
But then again, what else do I have to do?
you know what gets me about "dieting" all the advice. Eat dairy, eat veggies, eat fruit, eat lean protein, eat artichokes, eat bananas.. eat this, eat this eat this.. um.. isn't dieting about not eating so much?? You read any diet magazine and they give you 100 things you should be doing.. of course if I did them all, I'd probably be back to my old size.. *sigh*
last night I read that whey and soy are suppose to kill your appetite. they both work in different ways, and combined they are very powerful (thank you First magazine for that tidbit) well this morning I thought what the heck.. I made my morning smoothie with whey powder and soy milk and strawberries. Well my strawberries were frozen and pretty bland, so my smoothie was off to begin with. But something odd happened. The soy and the whey combined and made some odd pudding like consistancy. Fortunately I could suck it through a straw, so I spooned it into a glass and off I went. Well I got to work so wanting to eat something. probably emotional eating.. so I ate my NS breakfast. Now it's almost noon.. I wouldn't say I'm starving.. which is something. Might try that for my evening snack tonight.. maybe with some chocolate sauce :D no wait.. banana.. a nice big bowl of banana pudding :D
I just wish I didn't FEEL huge today. and I wish my eye would stop twitching.. man I'm never satisfied am I?
must remember the scale is evil and lies to me to ruin my day.. Must not let it. Must continue to do things right, and things will happen.
*sob*
Another bad day, can you tell? I just want to go home and crawl into bed.. but I know if I do that, I'll never get out. I can't let the depression win.. *stands tall with hands on hips* I am stronger than that!! so there..
*looks around for bed*
Ok seriously, I am sick of this. I know I haven't been the most ideal dietier... but I've been stuck at this general weight for about a year now!! ok, about this time last year I was 199ish.. so I lost 17lbs ish.. I suppose if I take another year to lose 17 more pounds I'll be 165.. :D That would be nice.. of course I'm sure once I'm there I'd try to for 155.. which will take me into 2010! arrgh.
But then again, what else do I have to do?
you know what gets me about "dieting" all the advice. Eat dairy, eat veggies, eat fruit, eat lean protein, eat artichokes, eat bananas.. eat this, eat this eat this.. um.. isn't dieting about not eating so much?? You read any diet magazine and they give you 100 things you should be doing.. of course if I did them all, I'd probably be back to my old size.. *sigh*
last night I read that whey and soy are suppose to kill your appetite. they both work in different ways, and combined they are very powerful (thank you First magazine for that tidbit) well this morning I thought what the heck.. I made my morning smoothie with whey powder and soy milk and strawberries. Well my strawberries were frozen and pretty bland, so my smoothie was off to begin with. But something odd happened. The soy and the whey combined and made some odd pudding like consistancy. Fortunately I could suck it through a straw, so I spooned it into a glass and off I went. Well I got to work so wanting to eat something. probably emotional eating.. so I ate my NS breakfast. Now it's almost noon.. I wouldn't say I'm starving.. which is something. Might try that for my evening snack tonight.. maybe with some chocolate sauce :D no wait.. banana.. a nice big bowl of banana pudding :D
I just wish I didn't FEEL huge today. and I wish my eye would stop twitching.. man I'm never satisfied am I?
1.28.2008
182.5
ok then. I've decided I'm drinking water when I first wake up.. so I'm not so motivated to lay around till 8am to weigh. Sorta worked, sorta didn't.
My ideal routine is wake up, weigh, exercise, get on computer, feed critters, get food for self, go to work. (I shower at night) however not wanting to weigh until 8am puts a huge damper on that because I have to be at work at 9. So I decided I'm not going to weigh myself as much.. not really an option... I feel lost if I don't know how much I weigh. this morning I had some water, and because I was still in bed and hurting from a hard wake up, I got on the computer first. Then I weighed.. then exercised. Which makes me think I'm going to change my routine again.. Wake up, computer, exercise, weigh, critters, food, work.. this will allow me to get out of bed, but not have to be excessively active since often waking up is very hard to do and my knees and joints protest at working out. We'll see how that goes tomorrow.. *crosses fingers* I did get half a work out in this AM. that is something.
Father's birthday in two days. I need to go out and buy him some flowers. This will pretty much ruin my 'no spending money" thing, but this is my dad. I suppose I could have my DH buy them, but what is the point? the month is up at the end of the week anyway.
Interesting things happend by my 'abstaining' Very interesting. I did confront my emotions a little more. Not really for the better. I really like living in denial - as long as I'm not eating down my emotions. There was a show on Oprah on friday. Adult children of divorse. The first woman felt her mother abandoned her as the marriage fell appart. Since her dream of being a wife and mother were trashed, she seemingly trashed both aspects and stopped being a real mother to her children. It was just too painful to watch - as my own mother has no excuses.. I was not her ideal child, so she ... well anyway.. I often feel petty for bitching about my childhood. I was one of the 2.0 kids, house with a 'picket' fence.. mom and dad still together. I was hit, but not beaten (if welts are left is it being beaten?) I had clothes, I had food, I had medical care, and the basic necessities (I got k-mart jeans, but at least I always had clothes, etc) but not feeling loved by your mother is a powerful thing. Not because she couldn't. not because she wasn't around, but because she decided I wasn't worth it.. *sigh*
I will get past this. I will eventually believe it is her fault, and her problem, and not really a reflection on me. I am very lovable according to my DH.. I know this to be true, but one day I will believe it.
but anyway -back to the shopping thing. At first I was beside myself wanting to go shopping.. just to have something to do... then I kinda forgot about it. Now i'm romantizing it.. Thinking how much fun it will be to go back to my favorite stores.. what fun I'll have.. I still don't have the need to buy anything - although I've always wanted a pair of boots that reach my knee - which I can't ever find locally cause I have huge calves.. so I think I'll buy a pair on line.. but I just want to look and see what is there. I just really like looking at new things.. how silly hun?
Lastly, I've decided I need to replace the 'record' in my head that is constantly telling me I'm sad, and I'm pathetic, etc. Its annoying learning new record, because the only way to do that is to constantly repeat the new verses over and over and over. I feel so forced, and so stupid, and very much like a silly motivational speaker, but I will admit it is starting to work. I was having a very hard time over the weekend, but I'm feeling more positive now. (although it might have been the extra omega-3s I took) I'll just keep forcing myself to think I am wonderful, and strong, and I have a fast metabolism, and I can lose weight, and hopefully I'll attract those things into my life :D
My ideal routine is wake up, weigh, exercise, get on computer, feed critters, get food for self, go to work. (I shower at night) however not wanting to weigh until 8am puts a huge damper on that because I have to be at work at 9. So I decided I'm not going to weigh myself as much.. not really an option... I feel lost if I don't know how much I weigh. this morning I had some water, and because I was still in bed and hurting from a hard wake up, I got on the computer first. Then I weighed.. then exercised. Which makes me think I'm going to change my routine again.. Wake up, computer, exercise, weigh, critters, food, work.. this will allow me to get out of bed, but not have to be excessively active since often waking up is very hard to do and my knees and joints protest at working out. We'll see how that goes tomorrow.. *crosses fingers* I did get half a work out in this AM. that is something.
Father's birthday in two days. I need to go out and buy him some flowers. This will pretty much ruin my 'no spending money" thing, but this is my dad. I suppose I could have my DH buy them, but what is the point? the month is up at the end of the week anyway.
Interesting things happend by my 'abstaining' Very interesting. I did confront my emotions a little more. Not really for the better. I really like living in denial - as long as I'm not eating down my emotions. There was a show on Oprah on friday. Adult children of divorse. The first woman felt her mother abandoned her as the marriage fell appart. Since her dream of being a wife and mother were trashed, she seemingly trashed both aspects and stopped being a real mother to her children. It was just too painful to watch - as my own mother has no excuses.. I was not her ideal child, so she ... well anyway.. I often feel petty for bitching about my childhood. I was one of the 2.0 kids, house with a 'picket' fence.. mom and dad still together. I was hit, but not beaten (if welts are left is it being beaten?) I had clothes, I had food, I had medical care, and the basic necessities (I got k-mart jeans, but at least I always had clothes, etc) but not feeling loved by your mother is a powerful thing. Not because she couldn't. not because she wasn't around, but because she decided I wasn't worth it.. *sigh*
I will get past this. I will eventually believe it is her fault, and her problem, and not really a reflection on me. I am very lovable according to my DH.. I know this to be true, but one day I will believe it.
but anyway -back to the shopping thing. At first I was beside myself wanting to go shopping.. just to have something to do... then I kinda forgot about it. Now i'm romantizing it.. Thinking how much fun it will be to go back to my favorite stores.. what fun I'll have.. I still don't have the need to buy anything - although I've always wanted a pair of boots that reach my knee - which I can't ever find locally cause I have huge calves.. so I think I'll buy a pair on line.. but I just want to look and see what is there. I just really like looking at new things.. how silly hun?
Lastly, I've decided I need to replace the 'record' in my head that is constantly telling me I'm sad, and I'm pathetic, etc. Its annoying learning new record, because the only way to do that is to constantly repeat the new verses over and over and over. I feel so forced, and so stupid, and very much like a silly motivational speaker, but I will admit it is starting to work. I was having a very hard time over the weekend, but I'm feeling more positive now. (although it might have been the extra omega-3s I took) I'll just keep forcing myself to think I am wonderful, and strong, and I have a fast metabolism, and I can lose weight, and hopefully I'll attract those things into my life :D
1.24.2008
rant
Ok, I thought I'd create a separate post for some more verbal diarrhea I've got.
I was driving home last night, and one of the businesses on the very small narrow road I travel on decided to throw some sort of shindig. a serious shindig, because despite their rather decent sized looking parking lot, people were parked on both sides of this very narrow road (no break down lane, very little shoulder) Pretty much leaving no room. (now this is a 45 MPH stretch of road)
Now there was apparently enough shoulder on my side of the road for people to park and be off the road. The other side, the people were on the road. Now, I am in my land let me make that part perfectly clear. I was in my legal right to drive, because I was on the road in my own lane. Could I? NOOOO!!!! why? well first the idiot people who parked on the side of the road were walking in the middle of the road to get to this shindig. While I'm not for this, while what I really want to do is honk and push these people out of the middle of the road, I do realize that there were huge snow banks, and there really wasn't any where else to walk.
But..
What really got my gall was the flippin idiots who were driving on the other side of the road. They were half in my lane, and didn't bother trying to pull over, or stop and wait for me (WHO WAS IN HER OWN LANE!) go past, they kept driving over the yellow line, and wanting ME to get out of the way!! (anybody have any eggs I can throw at them??) the worst was a plow truck.. felt like he was trying to take my side mirror out.. I almost parked my car in the middle of the road, got out and yelled at these idiots.. Seriously! when my lane is blocked, I wait till the other lane is clear and THEN go. I don't think it is my God Given Right to take over any lane available and just plow on through..
arrrgh!
I really.. and I mean REALLY hate people some times..
I was driving home last night, and one of the businesses on the very small narrow road I travel on decided to throw some sort of shindig. a serious shindig, because despite their rather decent sized looking parking lot, people were parked on both sides of this very narrow road (no break down lane, very little shoulder) Pretty much leaving no room. (now this is a 45 MPH stretch of road)
Now there was apparently enough shoulder on my side of the road for people to park and be off the road. The other side, the people were on the road. Now, I am in my land let me make that part perfectly clear. I was in my legal right to drive, because I was on the road in my own lane. Could I? NOOOO!!!! why? well first the idiot people who parked on the side of the road were walking in the middle of the road to get to this shindig. While I'm not for this, while what I really want to do is honk and push these people out of the middle of the road, I do realize that there were huge snow banks, and there really wasn't any where else to walk.
But..
What really got my gall was the flippin idiots who were driving on the other side of the road. They were half in my lane, and didn't bother trying to pull over, or stop and wait for me (WHO WAS IN HER OWN LANE!) go past, they kept driving over the yellow line, and wanting ME to get out of the way!! (anybody have any eggs I can throw at them??) the worst was a plow truck.. felt like he was trying to take my side mirror out.. I almost parked my car in the middle of the road, got out and yelled at these idiots.. Seriously! when my lane is blocked, I wait till the other lane is clear and THEN go. I don't think it is my God Given Right to take over any lane available and just plow on through..
arrrgh!
I really.. and I mean REALLY hate people some times..
182.5
Ok, I have GOT to stop weighing every day. Why? because it is causing me not to exercise. I got up at 7 with every intention of exercising, but I got on the scale and it was 183.5 I know I lose a pound between 7 and 8 am (don't ask me why, I don't understand it, but it happens every morning) and so I went back to bed till 8, when I got up, weighed and was 182.5 of course now it is 8 am and I don't have time to exercise, and will have to do it when I get home - which is no fun.
I should just roll over in bed, drink my water, and get up and exercise and let the scale fall where it will! so what if I'm 180+ and not in the 170s! (are you buying this, cause I'm not)
I did exercise last night. its easier when DH isn't home.
my auctions ended last night. Ebay put their listing fees on sale, so I listed a jacket I paid $80 and never wore (was a $250 jacket) and some computer equiptment I got from work (boss told me to sell it on ebay) Jacket sold for about $70, so did the tapes. Was so funny because I was watching the tape auction, and it was 73$ with two minutes left to go in the auction. I waited what I thought was two minutes, and refreshed the page. had 10 more seconds. so I counted slowly and refreshed the page and saw $77.20 Well my brain read that as $72.20 and I thought some how the price rolled backwards. I freaked out. Took me about five minutes (the whole time I'm trying to find a way to contact ebay) for my brain to figure it out. I already got paid for the jacket. Just got to get it in the mail.. fun fun. I hate mailing things.. actually that isn't true. I hate dealing with Ebay. People are stupid, and idiotic a lot of the time, asking things that are clearly written in the auction, then wanting you to jump through flaming hoops for them to purchase your product, then getting mad at you when you do everything right, but they forget they are idiots. Weird that I actually like working in customer service, but I hate people..
Today hasn't been easy on me. I found myself reaching for things I shouldn't have. I do allow myself a small piece of good chocolate each day.. ended up eating that this morning before I left the house. (well I grabbed it before I left the house, ate it on the way in to work)so while technically I'm on track for the day, I'm feeling like that isn't going to last. I'm going to fight it tooth and nail.. and the four pieces of gum I've already eaten attest to that..
*big deep cleansing breath* This too shall pass. I will survive this with my diet intact.. really I will..
I should just roll over in bed, drink my water, and get up and exercise and let the scale fall where it will! so what if I'm 180+ and not in the 170s! (are you buying this, cause I'm not)
I did exercise last night. its easier when DH isn't home.
my auctions ended last night. Ebay put their listing fees on sale, so I listed a jacket I paid $80 and never wore (was a $250 jacket) and some computer equiptment I got from work (boss told me to sell it on ebay) Jacket sold for about $70, so did the tapes. Was so funny because I was watching the tape auction, and it was 73$ with two minutes left to go in the auction. I waited what I thought was two minutes, and refreshed the page. had 10 more seconds. so I counted slowly and refreshed the page and saw $77.20 Well my brain read that as $72.20 and I thought some how the price rolled backwards. I freaked out. Took me about five minutes (the whole time I'm trying to find a way to contact ebay) for my brain to figure it out. I already got paid for the jacket. Just got to get it in the mail.. fun fun. I hate mailing things.. actually that isn't true. I hate dealing with Ebay. People are stupid, and idiotic a lot of the time, asking things that are clearly written in the auction, then wanting you to jump through flaming hoops for them to purchase your product, then getting mad at you when you do everything right, but they forget they are idiots. Weird that I actually like working in customer service, but I hate people..
Today hasn't been easy on me. I found myself reaching for things I shouldn't have. I do allow myself a small piece of good chocolate each day.. ended up eating that this morning before I left the house. (well I grabbed it before I left the house, ate it on the way in to work)so while technically I'm on track for the day, I'm feeling like that isn't going to last. I'm going to fight it tooth and nail.. and the four pieces of gum I've already eaten attest to that..
*big deep cleansing breath* This too shall pass. I will survive this with my diet intact.. really I will..
1.23.2008
182.5
amazing what can happen when you follow the plan :)
Today was interesting. I finally unpacked my shipment of food from December. Had my first scone, and I LOVED it.. very yummy. I'm sad that I only ordered two.
I did find some thai noodles on ebay. I will miss those when they are gone. I also miss the chewy fudge bars.. *sigh* why is it when I love something they discontinue it??
Didn't exercise this AM despite the best of intentions. I remembered it was Wednesday and the DH won't be home after work, so I'll do it when I get home.
I do have the munchies today. Only 3pm and I'm done all my food for the day (well up to dinner time) so I have three hours to go till dinner.. Don't know how I'm going to deal.. Unfortunately I don't have anything at work to keep me busy.. but I do have two packs of sugarless gum.. and really nothing excessive to eat.. so I should be ok. *crosses fingers*
Today was interesting. I finally unpacked my shipment of food from December. Had my first scone, and I LOVED it.. very yummy. I'm sad that I only ordered two.
I did find some thai noodles on ebay. I will miss those when they are gone. I also miss the chewy fudge bars.. *sigh* why is it when I love something they discontinue it??
Didn't exercise this AM despite the best of intentions. I remembered it was Wednesday and the DH won't be home after work, so I'll do it when I get home.
I do have the munchies today. Only 3pm and I'm done all my food for the day (well up to dinner time) so I have three hours to go till dinner.. Don't know how I'm going to deal.. Unfortunately I don't have anything at work to keep me busy.. but I do have two packs of sugarless gum.. and really nothing excessive to eat.. so I should be ok. *crosses fingers*
1.22.2008
183
well that was surprising. After yesterday's post, I started feeling a lot better. Not great mind you, but a lot better. amazing what a little verbal diarrhea will do for you. :)
Ate well the rest of the day, was on plan, then DH suggested we go out to the movies (ok so I reminded him he suggested it). We went to see Cloverfield. what a stupid yet very interesting movie. Reminded me a bit of blair witch - but of course I say that with out ever having seen blair witch. it was shot from the perspective of some ordinary guy with a hand held video camera, so a lot of people walked out of the theatre nauseous (this is one of those words I have to learn to spell) Several people cried out when the movie ended.. hence the stupid part. I'm not going to ruin it for the one person who reads my blog *waves hi to who ever you are* there is a very nice wikipedia article on it that explains it very well.
Well we went to a dinner theatre.. they serve pub food. I got a turkey burger.. but instead of getting a salad with it (which costs a dollar more - which is stupid because it's probably cheaper than the fries) I got the fries... and the sour cream.. *sigh* at least I didn't offically gain weight.
Today though I'm on track, and actually since I have yet to eat my breakfast entree, I'm a little behind. figure if I can go the day with out it, it will sorta make up for the fries.. Also since we went to the movies, I didn't work out on Monday.. did a half episode this Am. Plan on doing the other half tonight, so I'm only a day behind, and since I can do that on the weekend...
Although DH has tempted me to go down to MA to get Krispy Kreme donuts.. Which I really really want.. *sigh* Although I really want to eat two dozen straight. Mostly because I'm so jealous of people who say they eat an entire bag of doritos in a single sitting. I've never done that. Just picked and picked my weight to 260 lbs.. Although I bet if I tried to eat a dozen donuts, I'd just want to vomit.. although the KK are so very light and are mostly air...
I need to stop thinking about that :D Must eat to live, not live to eat...
money spent: none
food: currently on plan for today
exercise: will finish for today..
Ate well the rest of the day, was on plan, then DH suggested we go out to the movies (ok so I reminded him he suggested it). We went to see Cloverfield. what a stupid yet very interesting movie. Reminded me a bit of blair witch - but of course I say that with out ever having seen blair witch. it was shot from the perspective of some ordinary guy with a hand held video camera, so a lot of people walked out of the theatre nauseous (this is one of those words I have to learn to spell) Several people cried out when the movie ended.. hence the stupid part. I'm not going to ruin it for the one person who reads my blog *waves hi to who ever you are* there is a very nice wikipedia article on it that explains it very well.
Well we went to a dinner theatre.. they serve pub food. I got a turkey burger.. but instead of getting a salad with it (which costs a dollar more - which is stupid because it's probably cheaper than the fries) I got the fries... and the sour cream.. *sigh* at least I didn't offically gain weight.
Today though I'm on track, and actually since I have yet to eat my breakfast entree, I'm a little behind. figure if I can go the day with out it, it will sorta make up for the fries.. Also since we went to the movies, I didn't work out on Monday.. did a half episode this Am. Plan on doing the other half tonight, so I'm only a day behind, and since I can do that on the weekend...
Although DH has tempted me to go down to MA to get Krispy Kreme donuts.. Which I really really want.. *sigh* Although I really want to eat two dozen straight. Mostly because I'm so jealous of people who say they eat an entire bag of doritos in a single sitting. I've never done that. Just picked and picked my weight to 260 lbs.. Although I bet if I tried to eat a dozen donuts, I'd just want to vomit.. although the KK are so very light and are mostly air...
I need to stop thinking about that :D Must eat to live, not live to eat...
money spent: none
food: currently on plan for today
exercise: will finish for today..
1.21.2008
183
I so need to get a handle on my life. I am so ... stuck for lack of a better word. I have projects I want to accomplish, and books I want to read, but when ever I think about doing anything, I just get so overwhelmed in a sence of utter failure, that I fail to do anything at all, and I just go to bed and watch TV.
I'm currently at work, and I have done about 10 minutes worth of work in four hours. I don't want to take anything on... why? I'm not sure, probably fear of failure, which is stupid, because I'm failing by NOT working aren't I?
I've been eating everything that I shouldn't be at home. I've not been eating things I should to make up for it.. aka I've had four cookies, so I'm not going to eat the high protein nutritious snack I should.. so my weight has pretty stayed the same. I did get it down to 181 during the time I wasn't blogging, but that didn't last. I got emotional and shoved food at it. *sigh* As much as I have liked not shopping these past few weeks (because I feel like I've accomplished something by not doing anything) I fear I'm going to have to go back to it. I only spend a few dollars and it keeps my hand out of the cookie jar. Why I can't have both, I have no idea.
This last week in Jan, I'm going to give myself one last shot. I'm going by the motto of "I can either eat to live, or live to eat, but I can not do both" I remember feeling like I was eating to live when I was losing weight, so I'll try this.
Odd thing is my emotions don't really seem to be about anything in particular. Just a general fear of failing. Kinda hard to face your fears if they are just a fog you can't really grasp. I know my mother ingrained in me that if I didn't follow her way of life then I was a failure, or I would be a failure. Do this or you'll regret it.. dont do that, you'll never succeed.. etc. Stupid because I actually have more material things than my parents. I don't know if they have more savings or not cause that isn't discussed.. but after my father's huge medical fiasco several years ago leading to my mother having her own medical issues, I can't imagine they have much. But anyway.. by most standards that aren't unrealistic I'm pretty successful. Ok, no college degree.. no big fat fancy job - but you know what, I don't want either of those. I want to be the guy fishing on the docks. Have you heard that story? a guy goes every day to the docks and fishes and catches just enough for his family to eat. Another guy watches him, and tries to convince the first man to fish longer and catch more. The first guy asks why. the second talks about selling the fish at market, earning money to buy a boat so he can fish even harder, and make even more money. The first guy asks why. The second explains so he can make lots of money and then retire. The first guy asks then what. The second guy says, so you can spend your days fishing on the docks..
There are journeys in life that take you to the exact same place as others. In fact in the end we are headed to the same place aren't we? So what if you arrive with more trinkets and do-dads. What we do with that time matters. My father fixes appliances. My mother works in the school library. My sister is a principal at a school. her husband is househusband.. volunteers at the local democratic society, and is actually studying now to become a lawyer (that is if his lsat comes back as acceptable) I suppose I am compairing myself to my sister a lot - because I've always been. They take lots of trips (I hate to travel, so I don't) and she just finsihed her doctorate (yea for her! but I am not a fan of oranized learning - probably because of my spelling impairment) they have the 2 kids and a cat (I know I wouldn't be a good parent, so I am child free) and seem to have the ideal life.. (which I KNOW can't be true, but it's not like she's going to be complaining to me)
None of that makes her better than me, just more acceptable to society. Which sadly most of us are judged too harshly by and we are made to feel like we are 'less than' or worthless.
I am going to do my best not to buy into society's standards. They were way too important to my mother. I do not want them to be for me, but it is hard not to let them. *big deep cleansing breath* I am worthy - even if no one knows/thinks/believes that. It is their fault for not seeing how wonderful I am, not my fault for not being wonderful and unique. And when I fail to see how wonderful someone else is, that is MY failure. I will work hard at seeing the positive in everyone around me (yes, even my co-worker who drives me INSANE)
food is not happiness. It is simply a chemical reaction that brings distraction and is not worth it.
(I figure if I write it down, I'll believe it - cause all too often distraction is so worth it!)
exercisewas all caught up till this AM, when I didn't get up. Will do it tonight
food:surprisingly on plan so far
money: spent $4.00 at the post office to mail back a package. Spent .40 at library in overdue fees. Went to supermarket on sunday and spent $15.00 on salad mix and other foods. ok ok, I'm using food shopping as a mask for other shopping, but at least Im getting healthy foods.. so I shouldn't read too much into it.
I'm currently at work, and I have done about 10 minutes worth of work in four hours. I don't want to take anything on... why? I'm not sure, probably fear of failure, which is stupid, because I'm failing by NOT working aren't I?
I've been eating everything that I shouldn't be at home. I've not been eating things I should to make up for it.. aka I've had four cookies, so I'm not going to eat the high protein nutritious snack I should.. so my weight has pretty stayed the same. I did get it down to 181 during the time I wasn't blogging, but that didn't last. I got emotional and shoved food at it. *sigh* As much as I have liked not shopping these past few weeks (because I feel like I've accomplished something by not doing anything) I fear I'm going to have to go back to it. I only spend a few dollars and it keeps my hand out of the cookie jar. Why I can't have both, I have no idea.
This last week in Jan, I'm going to give myself one last shot. I'm going by the motto of "I can either eat to live, or live to eat, but I can not do both" I remember feeling like I was eating to live when I was losing weight, so I'll try this.
Odd thing is my emotions don't really seem to be about anything in particular. Just a general fear of failing. Kinda hard to face your fears if they are just a fog you can't really grasp. I know my mother ingrained in me that if I didn't follow her way of life then I was a failure, or I would be a failure. Do this or you'll regret it.. dont do that, you'll never succeed.. etc. Stupid because I actually have more material things than my parents. I don't know if they have more savings or not cause that isn't discussed.. but after my father's huge medical fiasco several years ago leading to my mother having her own medical issues, I can't imagine they have much. But anyway.. by most standards that aren't unrealistic I'm pretty successful. Ok, no college degree.. no big fat fancy job - but you know what, I don't want either of those. I want to be the guy fishing on the docks. Have you heard that story? a guy goes every day to the docks and fishes and catches just enough for his family to eat. Another guy watches him, and tries to convince the first man to fish longer and catch more. The first guy asks why. the second talks about selling the fish at market, earning money to buy a boat so he can fish even harder, and make even more money. The first guy asks why. The second explains so he can make lots of money and then retire. The first guy asks then what. The second guy says, so you can spend your days fishing on the docks..
There are journeys in life that take you to the exact same place as others. In fact in the end we are headed to the same place aren't we? So what if you arrive with more trinkets and do-dads. What we do with that time matters. My father fixes appliances. My mother works in the school library. My sister is a principal at a school. her husband is househusband.. volunteers at the local democratic society, and is actually studying now to become a lawyer (that is if his lsat comes back as acceptable) I suppose I am compairing myself to my sister a lot - because I've always been. They take lots of trips (I hate to travel, so I don't) and she just finsihed her doctorate (yea for her! but I am not a fan of oranized learning - probably because of my spelling impairment) they have the 2 kids and a cat (I know I wouldn't be a good parent, so I am child free) and seem to have the ideal life.. (which I KNOW can't be true, but it's not like she's going to be complaining to me)
None of that makes her better than me, just more acceptable to society. Which sadly most of us are judged too harshly by and we are made to feel like we are 'less than' or worthless.
I am going to do my best not to buy into society's standards. They were way too important to my mother. I do not want them to be for me, but it is hard not to let them. *big deep cleansing breath* I am worthy - even if no one knows/thinks/believes that. It is their fault for not seeing how wonderful I am, not my fault for not being wonderful and unique. And when I fail to see how wonderful someone else is, that is MY failure. I will work hard at seeing the positive in everyone around me (yes, even my co-worker who drives me INSANE)
food is not happiness. It is simply a chemical reaction that brings distraction and is not worth it.
(I figure if I write it down, I'll believe it - cause all too often distraction is so worth it!)
exercisewas all caught up till this AM, when I didn't get up. Will do it tonight
food:surprisingly on plan so far
money: spent $4.00 at the post office to mail back a package. Spent .40 at library in overdue fees. Went to supermarket on sunday and spent $15.00 on salad mix and other foods. ok ok, I'm using food shopping as a mask for other shopping, but at least Im getting healthy foods.. so I shouldn't read too much into it.
1.10.2008
184
FYI, I should totally read labels before I consume things..
I bought some flavored water that said "energy" on it. I figured it had some vitamins in it, and didn't read the lable. I had one yesterday, and it was yummy, so I brought one to work today. got half way through it and started feeling jittery.. read the lable - caffiene!! arrgh. Oh well. Now I know. the jitters will eventually go away.
exercised yesterday - the caffiene really gave me the get up and go to work out.. almost want to leave work and go do it now :) ok I seriously just want to leave work.
Today hasn't been great foodwise. I had a huge craving for gingerbread so I had a few pieces when I got into work. Usually I can't stop though, but today I did. Very nice. Often when I get the caffiene jitters I want to eat to help with it (it works) but I'm kinda ok just dealing. but I've got about four more hours of work, so I might change my mind here in a bit - hopefully not.
Didn't exercise this AM because I had a horrid time waking up. sometimes it is much harder than others. Also the kitchen is in major need of cleaning, so I'll make Dh do that tonight and I'll exercise..
exercise:Technically one day behind - but if I don't tonight I'll be two
calories: *sigh* I just wish I knew EXACTLy how many I needed, and there was some awesome way to keep track. right now I'm over the 1200 recommended, but i'm sure way under my daily requirement..
money: 4 days late on library book resulted in $0.40 fine. I paid it. so total for the month not spent on food - $0.40
I bought some flavored water that said "energy" on it. I figured it had some vitamins in it, and didn't read the lable. I had one yesterday, and it was yummy, so I brought one to work today. got half way through it and started feeling jittery.. read the lable - caffiene!! arrgh. Oh well. Now I know. the jitters will eventually go away.
exercised yesterday - the caffiene really gave me the get up and go to work out.. almost want to leave work and go do it now :) ok I seriously just want to leave work.
Today hasn't been great foodwise. I had a huge craving for gingerbread so I had a few pieces when I got into work. Usually I can't stop though, but today I did. Very nice. Often when I get the caffiene jitters I want to eat to help with it (it works) but I'm kinda ok just dealing. but I've got about four more hours of work, so I might change my mind here in a bit - hopefully not.
Didn't exercise this AM because I had a horrid time waking up. sometimes it is much harder than others. Also the kitchen is in major need of cleaning, so I'll make Dh do that tonight and I'll exercise..
exercise:Technically one day behind - but if I don't tonight I'll be two
calories: *sigh* I just wish I knew EXACTLy how many I needed, and there was some awesome way to keep track. right now I'm over the 1200 recommended, but i'm sure way under my daily requirement..
money: 4 days late on library book resulted in $0.40 fine. I paid it. so total for the month not spent on food - $0.40
1.09.2008
185
or 184 if you count the weight I got at 7:30 instead of the weight I got at 6:30..
Yesterday I had a bit of an encounter that threw me. I posted on the NSBB. It was in the long and extended trade thread - that I was looking for a discontinued item. Now this board - TO ME - is very confusing, and I said so. I asked that since I found it confusing that I would like it if anyone who had things to trade/sell could email me.
Well someone did. Told me I was very rude, and that no one else had ever complained about the long thread, and basically tried to make me feel like an idiot.. but since she had some of the item, she'd sell it to me.
ugh. to make things worse, she's in customer relations!! go figure..
I was so upset the rest of the night - trying so very hard not to let her upset me.. told myself that she has her own issues for reading that so wrong, and that I wasn't rude, etc. Didn't work, I was still very upset..
Until I watched the Rachel Ray show (not a fan, but my Tivo is recording it for me) and there was a show about a woman who lost 200lbs due to gastric bypass. The show was actually about how she lost all her friends and contact with her mother since her surgery. Turns out in all her bragging about how wonderful she felt, she alienated all of her friends, and said things that her mother found hurtful - like the clothes she was shrinking out of were too small for her..
This got me on to a whole new train of thought. Of why everyone (ok generalizing here, and I hate doing that, but just go with it) is always (ditto) complaining instead of focusing on the good things in life. Always wondered why that was. Well this show was a great example of why. People around you tend to think your bragging or showing off if you talk about how great you have it. Not sure why complaining is ok. Kinda bugs me when people who shouldn't be complaining do(aka skinny people about being "fat")
Although when I watched the Tyra Banks show about the body image town hall Tyraville, there was one woman who I thought looked like too much of a bottle bleach blond, who spent way too much time in the sun, raving about how WONDERFUL she looked, how her body was SPECTACULAR and how AWESOME she was.. made me roll my eyes. although I did give her kudos for having such high self esteem... I'm not sure she's the type of person I'd want to spend a lot of time with - and as the show went on I realized she really wasn't. She was quite vicious and all too ready to buy into the sterio types. (wasn't thrilled with that show since they were forced to sterio type - and would often run out of lables before they ran out of people, so they just thrust left over lables on people, and they would have to deal with it for the rest of the show)
anyway, all this got me thinking.. how how totally different I am from "normal" people. how I would like to think if someone around me lost 200lbs, I'd be right there with her at the store buying her skinny clothes, and be thrilled for her, instead of thinking how she was rubbing her loss in my face. I don't think that someone else's accomplishments diminish me in any way. Now when you say "why can't you be more like her" that is demeaning.. (yes, I have had that in my life) I was always so thrilled for my BFF in HS. she had some great boy friends, went off to college, etc. She had some hard times, and I was there for her for that too. Then I got engaged (she was my maid of honor), and my life focus became my wedding. Now I still made a point to be there for her as well. I remember traveling to visit her at college several different times (in several different states), and to her BF's house once.. but after I got married she bitched that all I focused on was my wedding and how I ignored her. I'm sure she was just being jealous that I got married while her relationship broke up. We drifted considerably after that - again her doing. A couple of years later she got engaged, and she didn't even ask me to be in the wedding.. that hurt to no end. We've seen each other randomly a few times since.. and she has never apologized. Guess I wasn't that important to her.
wow.. where did that come from??? ugh. Guess just another example of how change in your life can affect the people around you but have nothing really to do with you..
which led me to a place where much less bothered by that woman's email.
Kinda weird how I got there hun?
money spent: $25 at grocery store - went in for salad mix, only bought food.
exercise: didn't monday - not yet today either - day ain't over yet
calories: slightly over plan, but not too bad. A piece of bread, a few almonds, and a small gingerbread cookie
Yesterday I had a bit of an encounter that threw me. I posted on the NSBB. It was in the long and extended trade thread - that I was looking for a discontinued item. Now this board - TO ME - is very confusing, and I said so. I asked that since I found it confusing that I would like it if anyone who had things to trade/sell could email me.
Well someone did. Told me I was very rude, and that no one else had ever complained about the long thread, and basically tried to make me feel like an idiot.. but since she had some of the item, she'd sell it to me.
ugh. to make things worse, she's in customer relations!! go figure..
I was so upset the rest of the night - trying so very hard not to let her upset me.. told myself that she has her own issues for reading that so wrong, and that I wasn't rude, etc. Didn't work, I was still very upset..
Until I watched the Rachel Ray show (not a fan, but my Tivo is recording it for me) and there was a show about a woman who lost 200lbs due to gastric bypass. The show was actually about how she lost all her friends and contact with her mother since her surgery. Turns out in all her bragging about how wonderful she felt, she alienated all of her friends, and said things that her mother found hurtful - like the clothes she was shrinking out of were too small for her..
This got me on to a whole new train of thought. Of why everyone (ok generalizing here, and I hate doing that, but just go with it) is always (ditto) complaining instead of focusing on the good things in life. Always wondered why that was. Well this show was a great example of why. People around you tend to think your bragging or showing off if you talk about how great you have it. Not sure why complaining is ok. Kinda bugs me when people who shouldn't be complaining do(aka skinny people about being "fat")
Although when I watched the Tyra Banks show about the body image town hall Tyraville, there was one woman who I thought looked like too much of a bottle bleach blond, who spent way too much time in the sun, raving about how WONDERFUL she looked, how her body was SPECTACULAR and how AWESOME she was.. made me roll my eyes. although I did give her kudos for having such high self esteem... I'm not sure she's the type of person I'd want to spend a lot of time with - and as the show went on I realized she really wasn't. She was quite vicious and all too ready to buy into the sterio types. (wasn't thrilled with that show since they were forced to sterio type - and would often run out of lables before they ran out of people, so they just thrust left over lables on people, and they would have to deal with it for the rest of the show)
anyway, all this got me thinking.. how how totally different I am from "normal" people. how I would like to think if someone around me lost 200lbs, I'd be right there with her at the store buying her skinny clothes, and be thrilled for her, instead of thinking how she was rubbing her loss in my face. I don't think that someone else's accomplishments diminish me in any way. Now when you say "why can't you be more like her" that is demeaning.. (yes, I have had that in my life) I was always so thrilled for my BFF in HS. she had some great boy friends, went off to college, etc. She had some hard times, and I was there for her for that too. Then I got engaged (she was my maid of honor), and my life focus became my wedding. Now I still made a point to be there for her as well. I remember traveling to visit her at college several different times (in several different states), and to her BF's house once.. but after I got married she bitched that all I focused on was my wedding and how I ignored her. I'm sure she was just being jealous that I got married while her relationship broke up. We drifted considerably after that - again her doing. A couple of years later she got engaged, and she didn't even ask me to be in the wedding.. that hurt to no end. We've seen each other randomly a few times since.. and she has never apologized. Guess I wasn't that important to her.
wow.. where did that come from??? ugh. Guess just another example of how change in your life can affect the people around you but have nothing really to do with you..
which led me to a place where much less bothered by that woman's email.
Kinda weird how I got there hun?
money spent: $25 at grocery store - went in for salad mix, only bought food.
exercise: didn't monday - not yet today either - day ain't over yet
calories: slightly over plan, but not too bad. A piece of bread, a few almonds, and a small gingerbread cookie
1.08.2008
186!
I did eat one cookie before going to bed.. but I'm not sure why my weight went up yesterday..
I do feel quite bloated, so maybe it is just water weight.. *crosses fingers*
unfortunately in trying to be 'good and on plan" this morning, I took my vitamins before I ate my breakfast. I so need to remember never to do that. about 50-75% of the time it makes me horribly nautious and is an almost immediate response. I do not vomit, I refuse! So I ate 3/4ths of a low cal bagel (~75 calories)to try to settle my stomach. It worked, but once I got up to go about the rest of my morning my stomach protested again, so I gave it a few wheat thins (6 of them 57 calories according to calorie king, and since that still wasn't working I had a sweet nut granola bar (about 150) I also threw my tofu and banana smoothie at it, but that wasn't such a good idea. now my stomach feels a bit like it has been punched..
I'm going to try to avoid having my NS breakfast (150 calories) so I won't be that far off plan.
I also woke up not feeling all that well to begin with, so I haven't exercised. I'll try to do it tonight. I also have to stop at the grocery store and pick up some salad mix and greens for the rabbit.
calories:up 250 at this point..
exercise: :(
money spent: Still none.. I'm feeling good about this.. not liking it at all, but glad I'm doing well. It is forcing me to face my emotions a bit more, since I'm trying not to cover them with food or shopping..
I do feel quite bloated, so maybe it is just water weight.. *crosses fingers*
unfortunately in trying to be 'good and on plan" this morning, I took my vitamins before I ate my breakfast. I so need to remember never to do that. about 50-75% of the time it makes me horribly nautious and is an almost immediate response. I do not vomit, I refuse! So I ate 3/4ths of a low cal bagel (~75 calories)to try to settle my stomach. It worked, but once I got up to go about the rest of my morning my stomach protested again, so I gave it a few wheat thins (6 of them 57 calories according to calorie king, and since that still wasn't working I had a sweet nut granola bar (about 150) I also threw my tofu and banana smoothie at it, but that wasn't such a good idea. now my stomach feels a bit like it has been punched..
I'm going to try to avoid having my NS breakfast (150 calories) so I won't be that far off plan.
I also woke up not feeling all that well to begin with, so I haven't exercised. I'll try to do it tonight. I also have to stop at the grocery store and pick up some salad mix and greens for the rabbit.
calories:up 250 at this point..
exercise: :(
money spent: Still none.. I'm feeling good about this.. not liking it at all, but glad I'm doing well. It is forcing me to face my emotions a bit more, since I'm trying not to cover them with food or shopping..
1.07.2008
185.5
Ok, how long has this eating binge been? and I think I FINALLY figured out why I couldn't stop eating cookies..
I haven't spoken to my mother in almost two years now... no.. I'd say two years since it was Christmas eve when last I had a conversation with her.. (we emailed afterwards a bit)
I've hashed this out before, but a little background. I am the youngest of two girls. My sister and I are three years apart, but our birthdays fall one day apart. So for my entire life, my mother has always bought two of every gift she has given us. Ok there were a few 'just for me" or 'just for her' gifts, but for the most part she would find a gift my sister would like, and bought two. For years and years there would be gifts that were obvously not for me. What bugs me as well is my grandmother (who lived in England) would send gifts that were horribly inappropriate for me, so my sister would end up getting them, or they would be thrown away.. and I would be left with out gifts at all. My mother never appologized or tried to make up for it - and certanly never mentioned to her mother about how left out I was.
Now this isn't just about gifts.. but it is a symptom of how I was treated most of my life by my mother. As an obligation, not as a wanted and loved child.
So finally I said to my mother that the gifts she got weren't for me and asked if she happened to save the receipt. Well she lashed back that the gift I got for her wasn't what she wanted either.. (typical mom stuff.. She is NEVER wrong.. and if she is, then divert attention to something else) Finally I told her that I had had enough, and haven't spoken to her since.
I wrote her a letter several months ago, trying to explain why. The letter I got back was once again typical mom stuff. Blaming me for my feelings.
After writing the letter, I was able to let go of my anger. Now I'm just infinitely sad about the whole thing. I'm sorry we never had a relationship. I'm sorry she won't let go of her feelings/wall/what ever it is that won't let her admit and ACCEPT that she was wrong and work on this.
Last Christmas I was angry. the anger prevented me from missing the traditions.
This Christmas I am sad. I miss the molassas cookies she makes. I miss my dad. I miss a lot. Not enough to put up with the hell she puts me through.. but enough to want to cover it up with food.
I figured it out on Sunday morning. I've got a whole new relationship with the food around me now. Before I figured it out, I wanted cookies, and candy, and chocolate (yes it is it's own food group), now I've accepted it and feel back in control and back on plan. We'll see how this works out in the next couple of days.. if I was right about why the little three yr old girl inside of me cried and screamed for cookies.
So yesterday I ate off plan. I had some more cookies. I made peace.
Today I come into work and they broke into a basket of cookies we got for Christmas, and so far I haven't had any.. which is pretty good if you ask me.
Money spent: none
Calories consumed:not counting this weekend
exercise: yes, both Sat and Sun, and this morning and am all caught up.
I haven't spoken to my mother in almost two years now... no.. I'd say two years since it was Christmas eve when last I had a conversation with her.. (we emailed afterwards a bit)
I've hashed this out before, but a little background. I am the youngest of two girls. My sister and I are three years apart, but our birthdays fall one day apart. So for my entire life, my mother has always bought two of every gift she has given us. Ok there were a few 'just for me" or 'just for her' gifts, but for the most part she would find a gift my sister would like, and bought two. For years and years there would be gifts that were obvously not for me. What bugs me as well is my grandmother (who lived in England) would send gifts that were horribly inappropriate for me, so my sister would end up getting them, or they would be thrown away.. and I would be left with out gifts at all. My mother never appologized or tried to make up for it - and certanly never mentioned to her mother about how left out I was.
Now this isn't just about gifts.. but it is a symptom of how I was treated most of my life by my mother. As an obligation, not as a wanted and loved child.
So finally I said to my mother that the gifts she got weren't for me and asked if she happened to save the receipt. Well she lashed back that the gift I got for her wasn't what she wanted either.. (typical mom stuff.. She is NEVER wrong.. and if she is, then divert attention to something else) Finally I told her that I had had enough, and haven't spoken to her since.
I wrote her a letter several months ago, trying to explain why. The letter I got back was once again typical mom stuff. Blaming me for my feelings.
After writing the letter, I was able to let go of my anger. Now I'm just infinitely sad about the whole thing. I'm sorry we never had a relationship. I'm sorry she won't let go of her feelings/wall/what ever it is that won't let her admit and ACCEPT that she was wrong and work on this.
Last Christmas I was angry. the anger prevented me from missing the traditions.
This Christmas I am sad. I miss the molassas cookies she makes. I miss my dad. I miss a lot. Not enough to put up with the hell she puts me through.. but enough to want to cover it up with food.
I figured it out on Sunday morning. I've got a whole new relationship with the food around me now. Before I figured it out, I wanted cookies, and candy, and chocolate (yes it is it's own food group), now I've accepted it and feel back in control and back on plan. We'll see how this works out in the next couple of days.. if I was right about why the little three yr old girl inside of me cried and screamed for cookies.
So yesterday I ate off plan. I had some more cookies. I made peace.
Today I come into work and they broke into a basket of cookies we got for Christmas, and so far I haven't had any.. which is pretty good if you ask me.
Money spent: none
Calories consumed:not counting this weekend
exercise: yes, both Sat and Sun, and this morning and am all caught up.
1.04.2008
184
yesterday was a total struggle. But I think not exercising helped get me back on track. Ate on plan all day.
Today I've had a couple of chocolates.. I'm not stressing over them. I still haven't decided if I want to take today off from exercising. I think I'm going to go home and see how it goes. Not being able to go shopping is pretty much ruining my afternoon - as that is something I usually do on Fridays.
Might try to pick up some of the mail/paperwork in the kitchen. Also need to clean out my office. I so totally need to buy a shredder. I keep thinking I'm going to 'borrow' the old one at work that no one uses, and no one would mind if I took home for a while.. but I never seem to do it. Maybe next week.
Money Spent: none!
calories eaten: on plan
exercise:not yet
Today I've had a couple of chocolates.. I'm not stressing over them. I still haven't decided if I want to take today off from exercising. I think I'm going to go home and see how it goes. Not being able to go shopping is pretty much ruining my afternoon - as that is something I usually do on Fridays.
Might try to pick up some of the mail/paperwork in the kitchen. Also need to clean out my office. I so totally need to buy a shredder. I keep thinking I'm going to 'borrow' the old one at work that no one uses, and no one would mind if I took home for a while.. but I never seem to do it. Maybe next week.
Money Spent: none!
calories eaten: on plan
exercise:not yet
1.03.2008
arrrgh!!! 186.5
bad inner child.. Bad!! go to the corner and think about all the damage you did to my body!! (does this ever work??)
Yesterday was horrid. starting shortly after I had lunch, I wanted to eat EVERYTHING. There was 9/10ths of a gingerbread house left over.. I ate the rest of the entire side of one roof, and one side wall. I couldn't stop myself. I was trying to talk myself out of eating it while I was walking over to get it, and while I was eating it.. I just couldn't do it. My inner child ate it and totally enjoyed it. Then went back for chocolate. I then went home, ate dinner and my 'on plan dessert' and then ate a 100 calorie muffin top with peanut butter and then went back for a bowl of cereal.. arrgh! I even watched a show about extremely obese people, which usually shocks me into eating right - but I was watching them eat pizza and muffins, and I WANTED THEM!!
My DH is so freakin clueless. I whined when I got home (ok my inner child whined) that I wanted to eat. (what she REALLY wanted to do was come back to work and eat the rest of the gingerbread house) he said - get this - "just don't think about it"
ha ha ha ha I wanted to get out of bed, strip, stand in front of him nekkid and say "just don't think about sex" *rolls eyes* I know he tries, but he's such a simpleton sometimes.
I did have to go to the store twice yesterday. First to get my salad for lunch ($1.90) and then to go back and get salad mix for today and tomorrow ($2.00) and I realized I needed some greens for the rabbit, so I got her some Parsley ($1.49) I walked around the store a bit - just to get that "shopping feel". Looked at the discounted christmas stuff (toys were 50% off!!would be so nice to buy to donate for Toys for Tots next year.. but nope.. I'm sticking to my deal) and the discounted food (SALE!!! - but no it wasn't on plan so it wouldn't technically be food shopping, even if it is food) and I left with just my salad mix and my parsley.
I did not exercise this AM. I might this PM. I was thinking I'd stop exercising until I got my eating under control - since my inner child (should I call her my inner demon child??) often uses that as an excuse (HEY! YOU EXERCISED!! YOU NEED TO EAT MORE!! Try this cookie!!!!)
The not shopping thing is getting difficult, because my email is being bombarded with sales and end of year clearances.. *sigh* I am going to make a few returns.. so I should actually make money this month.. lol. I'm already up about $50. I bought a dress for $45, and we couldn't find the reciept when we went to return it, so the store ended up giving us a credit for a little more thn $90. And wouldn't you know it I find hte receipt that night when we get home.. *grrr* but then again, no matter how I look at it a $90 store credit is worth more than a $45 return on my charge. There are always gifts i need to buy, and stuff I will need to have at some point..
Calories: WAY too many for yesterday - today so far ok
Money spent: $9 on something that should have been mailed out in Dec - so I'm not going to really count this. $6.00 in groceries
Exercise: holding off for now
Yesterday was horrid. starting shortly after I had lunch, I wanted to eat EVERYTHING. There was 9/10ths of a gingerbread house left over.. I ate the rest of the entire side of one roof, and one side wall. I couldn't stop myself. I was trying to talk myself out of eating it while I was walking over to get it, and while I was eating it.. I just couldn't do it. My inner child ate it and totally enjoyed it. Then went back for chocolate. I then went home, ate dinner and my 'on plan dessert' and then ate a 100 calorie muffin top with peanut butter and then went back for a bowl of cereal.. arrgh! I even watched a show about extremely obese people, which usually shocks me into eating right - but I was watching them eat pizza and muffins, and I WANTED THEM!!
My DH is so freakin clueless. I whined when I got home (ok my inner child whined) that I wanted to eat. (what she REALLY wanted to do was come back to work and eat the rest of the gingerbread house) he said - get this - "just don't think about it"
ha ha ha ha I wanted to get out of bed, strip, stand in front of him nekkid and say "just don't think about sex" *rolls eyes* I know he tries, but he's such a simpleton sometimes.
I did have to go to the store twice yesterday. First to get my salad for lunch ($1.90) and then to go back and get salad mix for today and tomorrow ($2.00) and I realized I needed some greens for the rabbit, so I got her some Parsley ($1.49) I walked around the store a bit - just to get that "shopping feel". Looked at the discounted christmas stuff (toys were 50% off!!would be so nice to buy to donate for Toys for Tots next year.. but nope.. I'm sticking to my deal) and the discounted food (SALE!!! - but no it wasn't on plan so it wouldn't technically be food shopping, even if it is food) and I left with just my salad mix and my parsley.
I did not exercise this AM. I might this PM. I was thinking I'd stop exercising until I got my eating under control - since my inner child (should I call her my inner demon child??) often uses that as an excuse (HEY! YOU EXERCISED!! YOU NEED TO EAT MORE!! Try this cookie!!!!)
The not shopping thing is getting difficult, because my email is being bombarded with sales and end of year clearances.. *sigh* I am going to make a few returns.. so I should actually make money this month.. lol. I'm already up about $50. I bought a dress for $45, and we couldn't find the reciept when we went to return it, so the store ended up giving us a credit for a little more thn $90. And wouldn't you know it I find hte receipt that night when we get home.. *grrr* but then again, no matter how I look at it a $90 store credit is worth more than a $45 return on my charge. There are always gifts i need to buy, and stuff I will need to have at some point..
Calories: WAY too many for yesterday - today so far ok
Money spent: $9 on something that should have been mailed out in Dec - so I'm not going to really count this. $6.00 in groceries
Exercise: holding off for now
1.02.2008
184.5
apparently if you eat calories when no one is watching they count. Or should I say they count double.. *sigh*
I can't complain too heavily though. I finished off my chinese food for dinner last night. I'm sure a lot of that is water retention. I had brown rice green beans and chicken in a ginger sauce. Not breaded, not fried.. so it was sorta good for me. Sorta
Got quite a big of purging done yesterday. six trash bags full of clothes that no longer fit. some shoes that i won't wear any more. Medication from 05 went into the trash. drawers got cleaned and re-organized. Stuff I was saving for DH and he was saving for me left too. Hopefully we can keep the room clean for longer periods of time now *crosses fingers*
Well I was posting and took a phone call (yes, I'm at work) and got distracted. Several hours later I have had several cookies and some chocolate left over here at work from Christmas. arrrgh! What on earth is it going to take to get me back on track!?!? (and since I've already done the damage, shouldn't I just finish off the cookies??? please?? )
I can't complain too heavily though. I finished off my chinese food for dinner last night. I'm sure a lot of that is water retention. I had brown rice green beans and chicken in a ginger sauce. Not breaded, not fried.. so it was sorta good for me. Sorta
Got quite a big of purging done yesterday. six trash bags full of clothes that no longer fit. some shoes that i won't wear any more. Medication from 05 went into the trash. drawers got cleaned and re-organized. Stuff I was saving for DH and he was saving for me left too. Hopefully we can keep the room clean for longer periods of time now *crosses fingers*
Well I was posting and took a phone call (yes, I'm at work) and got distracted. Several hours later I have had several cookies and some chocolate left over here at work from Christmas. arrrgh! What on earth is it going to take to get me back on track!?!? (and since I've already done the damage, shouldn't I just finish off the cookies??? please?? )
1.01.2008
185
well lookie what happens when you go out for Chinese food.. *ugh* That's ok. by noon I was 184. Although I had the left overs for dinner. although I didn't have the scallion pancakes - since I ate all those the night before :D
Today is also day one of no spending money. Its annoying, its kinda like "DON'T THINK ABOUT THE PINK ELEPHANT". Since I am NOT spending money, that is all I want to do. I'm thinking about starting up a list of things I want so when Feb shows up I can laugh at myself at all the unnecessary things I wanted to buy. Today it is shelves for the closet (I have a GC to Home Depot, so I think I'm going to get those anyway) and a subscription to gameflix.. net flix but for computer games so I can try out some fun games for my new DS. That one will probably be something I want come Feb too.
I also very much need salad fixins.. but since that is food, that I need to go get.
Calorie count: no idea
Exercise: none - holiday
Money spent: none!
Today is also day one of no spending money. Its annoying, its kinda like "DON'T THINK ABOUT THE PINK ELEPHANT". Since I am NOT spending money, that is all I want to do. I'm thinking about starting up a list of things I want so when Feb shows up I can laugh at myself at all the unnecessary things I wanted to buy. Today it is shelves for the closet (I have a GC to Home Depot, so I think I'm going to get those anyway) and a subscription to gameflix.. net flix but for computer games so I can try out some fun games for my new DS. That one will probably be something I want come Feb too.
I also very much need salad fixins.. but since that is food, that I need to go get.
Calorie count: no idea
Exercise: none - holiday
Money spent: none!
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