ok, so I weighed early

I realized that the first I have an appointment WAY too early in the AM, so I weighed on Sunday, after a good long sleep in. 180. Not exciting, but not depressing either.

although once again I couldn't stop eating!! Some how I got it under control and finished out the day with in my calorie budget, but it wasn't pretty.

I also started this strong and confident. Got through monday only chewing a single piece of gum. Tuesday I had two.. and it went down hill from there. Also was sneaking little bites of DH's dinner..

today I've had several pieces of gum, and a diet soda.. *sigh* but heck, it is way better than thousands of calories.

I did, however, not falter on exercise. I also got a full 40 minutes in both sat and sun.

I will admit I don't like not weighing.. not at all. I don't like the surprise, the anticipation of waiting for the scale to settle. if I weigh all the time, then I usually know exactly what I'm going to get. I guess when I get to mantience that will be a good thing, but I'm thinking right now i'm better off staying off the scale and focusing on my eating. Taking my victories in staying on plan and getting my exercising in instead of the number on the scale.

I'm more convinced than ever that I should go see a plastic surgeon about my arms.. maybe even my legs.. I don't think I could stomach the pain of a full body lift.. I doubt I even could deal with an arm lift, but I'd like to know what one has to say about how much extra skin I am caring, and how much they think they could remove IF I had the surgery. Magic wand time, I'd do my legs, my "muffin top" lipo my belly and have my BFA's removed. but money and pain really are keeping me from persuing it. besides, my legs are always in pants or long shorts, and I doubt that would change even if I did have surgery, so what is the point in that? my belly - pants again. Muffin top has been the bain of my existance and is honestly what got me on this journey. I hate how it sticks out in shirts. I wonder if the new proceedures would help.. where they laser holes in the skin so when they heal things are tighter.. one can dream anyway. My BFAs are something I have a hard time hiding. Most tops now adays are sleeveless or have little cap sleeves. I suppose I shouldn't care if they are out flapping in the wind... but sadly I do.

the question is, do I care $5,000 worth and several weeks worth of pain, not to mention the scars..

Sigh

Maybe once I hit 150ish..

*claps hands*

some how I did it!! woh! my 5am self is totally anti-getting out of bed, anti- exercising and anti- ANYTHING that has to be done OUTSIDE of the bed..

my 7am self knows better - which is good.

I was up at 5:30 again this morning. DH had a small mishap, and I got out of bed to see that everything was ok. Since it was, I immediately went right back to bed, despite having to shower in the worst way and my vow to work out EVERY day.

I drifted in and out of conciousness.. watched a few tv shows on Tivo and vowed not only was I NOT going to work out (I can do it tonight, really, nothing stopping me from doing it when I get home from work... etc) I was considering not even going to work

Its funny how life works out. Two years ago I was hired at my job. My boss asked me if I remembered my start date, so I looked it up on blogger. I read my post about how exciting and interesting and challenging I thought this job was going to be. It is none of that. I spend a lot of my day on line goofing off. I am thankful that I have a job.. and a job where I felt comfortable growing out my bangs (I see four people a day - the four I work with) and letting my fake nails grow off (oh that was NO fun) and where I get to deal with my personal email and personal online goofing.. Don't get me wrong, I do my job, my boss is happy with me, my work gets done, it just isn't that challenging, and my mind wanders and goes on vacation if I don't distract it every once in a while (ok once an hour)

*sigh*

I think I'm starting to get spring fever. I do NOT want to sit here.. I want to ... get this... clean my house!! arrgh. how bizzare is that. there are pockets of clutter all over the place that I finally need to say stay or go to. and if it is going to stay, it needs to find a place in the home so it isn't 'clutter' - arrrgh I'm starting to sound like my MOTHER *shudder* it just needs to warm up a little more so I can open the windows so I don't have a huge allergy attack.

btw, a little NSV I realized yesterday. My tushie is now SMALLER than the chair it sits in at work. not by much, but it is.. whoo hoo! ;)

Day 3

well not getting on the scale was a little easier this morning. Although the fact that I was a little "top heavy" helped. I got up at 5:30 and literally stumbled my way into the bathroom. It was really weird because I wasn't dizzy or sick feeling, but I was just having major trouble walking straight.

So I went back to bed. Didn't think exercising in that state was a good idea. So once again I waited till the last possible moment, then got out of bed and some how got through another 20 minutes of exercise.. didn't think it was going to happen, but it did. good for me.

Went to the store last night to pick up some salad mix, and realized that once again I felt like I had a fever. I don't understand why I feel this way on and off with no other real symptoms. *sigh* I suppose I should probably go see a dr or something, but I really don't wanna..

One thing that is getting harder is managing my emotions. I've had a couple of things pop up (as much as I love the net, I hate it as well) and I am starting to feel as though I am not fit for human consumption. I feel that way at work a lot too. There is the woman that to me often is like nails on a chalk board.. another woman who - while I never see us becoming fast friends is likable, and my boss. Now my boss is a complete sweetheart who I like, but she's also one of those women who can't ever tell someone that they are annoying her. There is a previous employee that keeps hounding her to chat, and she just can't say "no, I don't like you, go away" which of course leads me to wonder if she's just being nice to me some days. I apparently never learned the fine points of social interaction.. making friends and influencing people is not my strong suit - if it is even in my deck at all. I'm blunt, I don't lie, I have strong beliefs and I'm not afraid to share them. This often leads people to feel that I am not open and don't accept different points of view and ideas.. this simply isn't the case. I love learning from other people, and often look for different ideas and opinions.

this often leads to my feeling outcast on different message boards on line (hence the love hate thing). Just when I think I find a group of people I fit in with, I start feeling shut out. I try to ignore it, knowing how insecure I am, and try not to let my own "black colored glasses" color things. But when I see people post and get tons of replies and responses, and I get none, I can't help but think this is a huge sign that my presence really wouldn't be missed in the least. I have felt that several times on the latest message board I was hanging out in, and last night when my post was ignored by a multitude of people that I thought were friends, I decided to leave. Not sure I'm going to be able to stay away.. but for right now, I need to protect my fragile ego and do something else.

What is weird, is someone on this board annonomously gave me a gift to one of the other member's shop of candles and lotions. no idea who. (which bugs me even more, but I'm just going to focus on the positive) and I have no idea if I'm going to use it or not. it isn't going anywhere at the moment so we'll see.

I was invited to a cat forum at the shelter next wednesday. I often don't feel my personality is very acceptable there either.. my contributions are appreciated, but I often feel that I clash with staff or policies etc.. once again it is hard to continue to contribute to something (be it a message board or a shelter forum) where not one of your suggestions or ideas ever seems to be taken as anything but a nusance.

nusance.. that is a good word to describe how I feel I am being received. and I have no idea how to fix it.

maybe I am just projecting.. maybe it is just those 'black colored glasses' i can't seem to get off my face..

*sigh*

arrrgh

Ok, not stepping on the scale this morning was HARD! but it was nice to be able to drink my morning glass of water with out thinking about what time it was..

I did finally drag my sleep filled butt out of bed and exercised. I want to do it at 5:30 when my DH gets up and leaves the room to nap elsewhere.. (don't ask, he's weird) then go back to bed.. but I couldn't do it. But I did get up at 7, exercised, then finished up my morning stuff and got off in time to get to the shelter and get to work on time.

Day one on new plan went off ok. Day two so far has as well - but then again it isn't even noon time yet, so we'll see.

no kidding around this time

Ok this weekend was rough diet wise. Some how (don't ask me how) my aunt's cat - who I am cat sitting for - disappeared in the house for many an hour. We looked EVERYWHERE (minus one place obviously) called, cajolled, nothing. We were frantic that some how he got out.. while looking I kept shoving cookies into my mouth.

Btw.. weight watchers new soft cookies.. I give them a B+ - soft, tasty, smaller than they appear on the package, but horribly oh so addicting.. won't be buying those again.

Then easter.. and I started shoving all kinds of other junk into my mouth. Guess I thought I had to clear out the cupboards.. *rolls eyes*

I sat around yesterday and asked myself what I wanted. the answer is almost always - go to bed and get under the heated blanket. seriously. That is what I LOVE doing. being warm, cozy, and 9 times out of 10 visited by a multitude of cats.. but that isn't a life. So I asked what I want BEYOND bed.. I can't remember the last time I did that. I had no idea. Then the thought of the pants I bought that were too small came into mind. So I though I'd like to fit into those pants. (size 8) and I said "ok self, what do you need to do to get there" and I've decided that I'll follow the NS plan to the letter and exercise for 20 minutes EVERY morning.. and I'll try to work out on the mini trampoline for a bit each night.

and biggest change of all is I am NOT going to weigh until April 1st. For someone who jumps on the scale several times a day this is going to be huge. but I think I think I have a little leeway when I've lost a little weight.

if this does not result in my getting safely in the 170s, then I'm going to go see a nutritionist and see what my next steps are. maybe get a resting metobolic rate done.. etc.

I will do this. and I will blog each day till the first..

more dreams

Well I asked for and got another dream of me standing up to someone critizing me. I still absolutely hated it, but at least I wasn't at church. I wish I could remember it, I mean to, but I then had another dream that I meant to remember, and frankly I can't remember either one of them. I HATE when that happens. I should keep paper by the bed, but that is too much work.

I guess I'll just take it that my subconcious is working out some more of my issues.. *sigh*

So as you know (or don't if you just stumbled upon this) that I'm on Nutrisystem. Well recently NS changed over their formula, and then proceeded to sell off their extras to "Big Lots" a chain of stores that sell surplus stuff. Well I found out about it on Monday, and prodeeded to then treck all over the north east trying to find the clearance NS products. Went south on Monday, and then went north last night. Very little success. I found some meatloafs.. bought them all. So very sad I didn't find more.

Been scouring Ebay looking for deals - figuring other people bought it to put on there.. and I'm not having a heck of a lot of luck. for taking the risk of the middleman, I want a good deal.

I'm having a small health concern. I woke up yesterday with a pain in my side. I thought it might have just been gas very high up in my GI tract, but I'm not thinking that much any more. the pain isn't as bad today, but it is still there. Will just have to wait and hope it goes away. I suppose I could go to my DR, but what is she gonna do? probably tell me to wait a few days and see what happens.

So because Ive got this pain along my GI system, I decided not to take my vitamins this morning. I can feel the abscence of the omega-3s. I feel the blues seeping in under the cracks. I'm doing my best to keep them at bay, but it is ever so tiring. I have 3 more hours in my work day, but all I can think of is going home and crawling under the covers for some purr therapy..

I'm also bummed because I was Soooo hoping I'd be getting a day off today. Weather man promised me a half inch of ice this morning.. and of course it never showed up. I suppose that is a very good thing and I shouldn't complain, but *stomps feet* I wanted a snow day!! I've got books to read, kitties to cuddle, tivo to watch.. *sigh* I hate being employeed.. it so detracts from my "me" time.. at least the money is good..

And on the odd side of life, I just realized that my co-worker has spent more time with my dad lately than I have. I recommend that he call my dad when he had stove issues a while back. Well he had more issues today and left to meet him to get them fixed. I so miss my dad.. *sigh* while speaking of family.. I bought a gift for Sam for his birthday next week. Going to mail it off along with some Easter gifts tomorrow or Friday. Mailed a gift off to Ben in Jan, and never heard from my sister. that just irritates the dickens out of me! Ben is getting to the age where thank yous are no longer something they can ignore.. cause he should be writting them, and now he can write them himself.. *sigh* I hate the fact my sister ignores this. don't want to punish the boys for her failure (and it isn't like she doesn't know, i've mentioned it MANY times) Just one more reason my family really bothers me.

dreams

I've been dreaming again. Don't remember most of them.. one I had on Saturday really bothered me though. I dreamed I had gone back to church, and one of the 'church ladies' had either moved some personal belongings and something happened, or she was going through personal belongings, I'm not really sure. but in my purse she found some "inappropriate material" according to her. I'm not sure what it was, but I think it was birth control - probably condoms by the rest of the conversation.

I was in a group of people chatting, and she stood up and made an announcement/decree that certain things were totally unacceptable in the church and if that sort of behaviour was something that we were condoning that we were not true memebers of the church.

I left the group I was with after she stepped down, and took her aside and gave her a stern talking to about a) going through other people's belongings b) jumping to conclusions c) being condeming and explained that I almost never carry a purse or bag, and the last time I had, was when the item ended up in it. I think I said I got it at a health semenar, one of those "be safe or be sorry" approaches.

I don't remember if I told her that it was wrong of her to jump to conclusions because I was married and such things are not unacceptable in a marriage.. but that is another argument.

I woke up in the middle of talking to this woman.

I was very disturbed by it. Mostly because I HATE confrontations. They shake me to my very core. I do it. I - well for the most part - have no problem standing up for myself, but once I'm done, I'm always visibly shaken, and bothered for days. discussions - great, I'm all for that.. but the pitting of one person against another *shudder*

When i woke up, I realized it was a dream, and immediately tried to mentally get back in and finish the discussion in a calm and rational manner - but I was left with the confrontation.. *sigh*

I should be proud of myself for standing up to this. I should find strength and courage in it.. I don't. I still think I'm a woose (wuse?) and I'm still shaking on going to church.

I suppose I never talk about this.. and there is a reason. I'm just so darn uncomfortable about it.. I always feel so uncomfortable in church. I'm sure there are other situations that are very similar, but I avoid those too. I am socially inept, and am no good at making small talk, and being .... well social. All the people at our church are friendly and outgoing and generally happy people and just love being around other God loving people... not me. I want to avoid poeple at almost all costs. well that isn't 100% true either.. I want to avoid people being aware of me at all costs. I don't mind going out, shopping, movies, etc.. but when those people want to talk to me, I shut down. Probably the same reason I hate talking on the phone. I can do it if I am at work, cause then I am part of the company I work for, and not me. If it is a personal type of call, I make my DH make it.

We hired a financial planner, and he wants me to make a phone call.. I wanted to hit him. He just doesn't get it. Most people who know me don't understand - as I am an outgoing person for the most part, but I do have this shy side that I just can't get over.

I've also been dreading leaving my cats at home more and more. I just want to stay home with them all day. Yes.. I know.. I need help..

but honestly, if you could stay home with your pets all day, wouldn't you want to?