I'm hungry

and I can't for the life of me figure out if it is real hunger, or emotional "I'm bored" hunger..

I hate that

an uneventful life

ugh.. I keep meaning to blog, but honestly I don't have much to talk about right now. My weight is holding between 182 and 184. I pretty much sleep, work, eat, work out, and sleep. I have foster kittens, but they are too small to amuse me, and the mothers are too paranoid about their small kittens to do much other than walk away to eat.

I did go out shopping and buy a cute pair of flats and a neat necklace. I also think I figured out my fingers are now a size six. I'm also in need of a hair cut as I'm constantly throwing it back into a pony tail as I can't stand it when it is hanging by my face. It seems to not want to do anything the same way two days in a row unless there is elastic involved.

wait.. I did have a dream the other day I was pregnant and I wasn't scared out of my mind. That confused the living daylights out of me because I absolutely positively do not want children and the thought of being pregnant does scare the living crap out of me.

oh.. oh.. and I have started eating apples. I had been eating freezed dried apples as an afternoon snack (with cheese for protein) but I was running low (I bought them at a salvage store) and couldn't find any more so I thought I'd buy a real apple and eat that. I figured I'd throw it away as I have never really liked apples, but it wasn't bad.. so now I eat apples..

I really don't want to complain that I have nothing to blog about, cause frankly I watch too much TV, and when people complain that they are bored, things come along and make things unboring, and rarely it is for the betterment.. killer bees or tornadoes, etc.. so I'll take my uneventful life thank you very much.

now if I could just take it with a few less pounds on my hip ;)

running dreams

now this was interesting. Once again I had a set of dreams with a theme. This time I remember them.

First I was sent after someone to protect them. They were in a very large opera house. It was full of people, and finding this person was very difficult. I finally ran into them going into the ladies room. I went in after her, and found a very old run down room where the toilets didn't work very well (that seems to be a theme in my dreams in general as well now that I think about it)

There were windows in the bathroom that looked out into the halls - they were mirrored on the outside so they couldn't see in. I looked out and saw the people chasing the woman. I tried to keep the door shut - like it was a single bathroom instead a multiple. I kept being distracted trying to keep the woman safe. I finally asked one of the women to go and find a guy - and I discribed a guy who looked like bradly talmage from 7 Days) As she was leaving, the people chasing the woman came in. I tried to act like it didn't matter, but they were certain the woman was in the room, and looked and found her. Before they could get to her, I attacked, and we fought. the smaller bathroom gave way to a larger locker room type of room. it was much newer and cleaner. There was head smacking on lockers and sinks benches.

Then I woke up

Went back to sleep, and found myself taking care of some sick cats. I believer they were pregnant. They weren't eating, and it was of great concern. I gave them a little extra love and went off to find some help. I found myself on a rather large farm. There were people everywhere, and they were all kids of one age or another. I asked one where mom was, and they didn't know. I stood there and thought about it for a second, when another girl comes trotting up pushing a very snazzy green bicycle. It was an retro type 10 speed, and was very cool looking. I admired it for a moment, but was interupted by the girl asking for mom. I told her I wasn't sure where she was but thought she was in the house. She asked me to watch the bike and ran off. I moved the bike off to the side, when I noticed a group of adults walking very quickly foward. I thought the girl might have stolen the bike or was in problem because of the bike, so I moved the bike off to the side. The people came up and asked about the girl, and I told them I had no idea what they were talking about and they seemed to go away. I looked around and noticed that painted on the side of the barn was a big sign about the two local high school football teams I grew up with. I decided to find the girl and mom and went inside the house.

I kept asking different people, and no one had a clue where mom was. I went upstairs and talked to a different girl who lived up in a room in the attic with a few other people, but she was alone at the moment and looked as if she was recently in the shower as her hair was up in a towel. I tried to get her to tell me when the last time she saw mom was, and she really didn't want to talk to me about my issues, she only wanted to talk about her petty issues. The sick cats were up in her room, and were in much worse shape. their eyes were quite inflamed, and they were very lethargic. I came to the realizaton that they were not regular cats, but morphing aliens that everyone in the world knew about. I knew what they needed at that point and told the girl to watch them, and while she really didn't listen to me, I ran off anyway. This time I was holding a large pile of stick type items. They looked like pick up sticks or dried spagetthi. I started searching the house for mom, and was quite disturbed that I couldn't find her. all of a sudden it was night, and there were more animals in the house. Lots of cats and dogs. It was like the kids had turned into them, because there were no kids around. I tried to go outside to look again, but this time several animals escaped from the house, and I started to try to herd them back in. the few chihuahuas and cats and a german sheppard got out. The little animals stayed on the porch, but the GSD ran across the yard and seemed to attach himself to a dog run. I tossed the smaller animals in the house, and went after the dog. He didn't want to listen to me. It wasn't easy. but I got him in. I still had the sticks, and came to the conclusion that it was the green bike from earlier, and it was actually another life form. I spread the sticks out to get a better look at them, but realized those people were after them. I found a paper towel roll, and put them inside that. Trying to stay away from those people, and find mom.. I was convinced that those people had done something to mom...

then I woke up.

dream

I remember the dream that I forgot yesterday. Kinda bizarre.

I was working with a rescure group in a building I had never been in before. There was a kitten that needed to be put in a cage.. the cage looked like my rabbit cage only shorter.. I went to get the kitten, and thought I was being followed but I dismissed it. I got the kitten and went back to the cage, to find Em in it. she moved slightly, the cage fell very badly, and she was in an incredibly awkward position. I was so scared for her, I handed the kitten off to someone and ran to her to try to help her out, I so feared she was dead - but then a part of my brain remembered she was already dead. I stopped in confusion, and looked again, and Em had found her way out of the situation and was walking down the hall. I woke up at that point, and heard a series of three beeps. Electronic type beeps that you might hear when something is running out of power.. short, quick, like one a second.. then nothing for a few seconds, then another series of three.. then the beeps seemed to split apart, as if there were two devices beeping not quite at the same time. Two rounds of that, and no more beeping.

It was beyond bizarre! I had been hoping to dream of Em again.. I miss her so.. was nice to see her if only for a few minutes.

Of course the beeping part of all this reminds me of my theory that cats really are from a different planet.. and that weird part of my brain thinks that she hijacked a ship to come down and visit me again :)

darn

I had some really good dreams to blog about, but I forgot all about them in my excitement of the morning. one of my foster moms had kittens.. four in total! :) seems everything came out A-OK, so that is good news.

I do know that my dreams had a running theme.. it seemed important at the time.. not hit me over the head, but 'oh geeze, these had a theme of X, I should figure out why' kind of thing.

weight went up again last night. Totally shouldn't have. But then again I weighed in at 7am, so that might have had a lot to do with it - for some reason I lose a pound or two between 7 and 9 AM, even if I do nothing but lay in bed and watch TV it is bizarre.

DH is out of town all week for work. I hate it. I hate being on my own.. although I will admit a lot of things are easier. If I want to watch a show, I don't have to worry if he'll be interested in it or not. I can exercise cause he's not in the house (I hate to have him watch me do it.. irritates me and makes me mad at him) eat sooner, eat later, go out after work, etc.

and for some reason I'm waking up before the alarm goes off. Kinda nice. Not that I trust myself enough to do that to not set the alarm..

Beautiful day here. Saw (and picked and fed to my rabbit) the first dandelions of the season.. even put my top down on my car during the short errand I had to run.

how is it...

that my weight is stuck at 181, but my ring size has gone down from a 7 to a 6, and my size 12 pants are feeling looser..

*shrug*

In a perfect world with fairy godmothers or perfect working metabolisms, I'd like to weigh under 150.. I'd like to be a single digit size.. a two or a four would be fun, but I'd probably be just as thrilled with an eight. I'd like my hair to always be perfect, my skin never to look sallow (oh the curse of turning 36!) and fingernails that never cracked..

But I know that is a fantasy. Ok I'm hoping the size 8 isn't out of the question - even though it appears that it is. I've said I don't really care what the scale says as long as I look good.. and I get complements from everyone.. but 180 scares me. I would like to be a little farther away from 200.. Maybe since I don't have an end goal, I'm not getting anywhere????

I'd also like it if my BFA's fell off, and the extra skin on my thighs and belly went away..

A few years ago I worked with a woman who was a size four. Tall and very thin.. we were talking about clothes, and the problems I was having finding stuff I liked, and she too complained about not being able to find things that fit. another woman I know, short and petit in every way constantly complains about her body. She has true body dismorphic disorder, and thinks she is huge.. when in fact I would give ANYTHING to have her body (well not the fact that it is 60 years old - how about just the shape) even though she's a good five inches shorter than I am. (I don't mind my hight 5'8")

so I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I will never be in LOVE with my body.. aka it will never be perfect, and that is ok. As long as I can get up in the morning, enjoy my breakfast, snuggle with my kitties, and enjoy life, then that is a lot.

Although I do think I'll start saving to have my BFA's cut off..

frustration

well yesterday I was 100% on plan, exercised, all was great till I went to bed and COULD NOT fall asleep.. despite taking sleepy asprin type medication (My allergies are acting up and I just wanted to be knocked out. I tossed and turned for several hours. Finally I got up, went and got a piece of bread, had a little peanut butter with it, and with in half an hour I was ready for snooze land.

I know I know.. I NEED to see a diaticitian.. but I just don't want to.. *wimper* I don't know why I'm so chicken to go.. s/he is only going to help..

Dubid yubou knubow thubat

I have allergies to SOMETHING.. I thought it was swiss cheese - I suppose it still could be. My tongue swells up and doesn't fit in my mouth any more and is VERY uncomfortable.

Started swelling last night after I had a stuffed chicken breast from Wal*mart. Was uber yummy, but I hadn't had it before, and never really looked at the ingredients... so I took some benadryl and went off to bed.

I was fine this morning until about lunch time.. man am I uncomfortable.. I keep biting down on my tongue!

arrgh!

Dreams

Yesterday I had an odd dream. Started out at a restaurant. THere were a bunch of us, and there was no where for us to sit. I noticed several empty tables, so I asked someone that if they filled the particular empty tables, then wouldn't they have room for us somewhere? well the person thanked me for helping them run more effeciently, but there still wasn't room for us.

So we left and went to the hotel room. Turns out they were all booked up too. Went to my DH's aunt's room and found a note left for us that while she was out, we could use the room, but that the other bed was taken. We tried to figure out how to bunk all eight of us in the room and couldn't, so out we went again.

This time we went to a carousel. I was riding the carousel, but some how it turned into the Matrix. maybe it was a video game, I'm not sure. SOmeone was directing me to look for clues. I was looking on the outside of the carousel, watching what went past us, and seeing some of the group standing outside, but the person directed me to look inward, at the mechanics and the artwork.

Either the ride ended or I found what I was supposed to, so I got off. It was raining, and I wanted to get into the mall that was attached near by. I ran all alone through the rain into the store. The store was quite deserted as well.

and then I woke up.

~~~~~~~~~~

This morning I had a dream I was meeting up with a friend. I felt younger - like still in middle school or early high school. Fiercely independant but insecure as well. I knew the girl I was meeting up with, but didn't. so maybe someone I met through the internet? I took a bus in town - a big huge bustling over grown old city. We were meeting up at an address I didn't know, but was able to find it pretty quickly. I turned a corner, and all the buildings seemed abandoned. Broken windows, slighly askew doors, etc. I went through the door of the address I had been given, and saw a large abandoned lobby - but not quite so abandoned. There was a large desk that seemed not to have been touched in ages, and desbris everywhere, but there was a large fish tank on the far wall, and a smaller one on the desk that had live fish. They were swimming around in clean tanks. I was confused, but I went in anyway. I noticed lots of change on the floor.. dimes, nickles, etc. Kind of like this had been a wishing well. I took a closer look at the change, and while I did, it morphed from real change to faded painted on coins - that were 12 x 12.. something that could never be mistaken for real change. As I looked closer, the room started to fill with people - like this was an art exibit in a train stop. I started looking around for my friend, when I ran into someone else. She was taller than me, and it felt like she was looking over me. She asked me what I was doing, and I explained I was meeting up with my friend. The woman scolded my friend for trying to meet up in such chaos. I asked about the fish, and she said they wanted the feel of abandonment, but they couldn't quite come to treat the fish badly - said they deserved better.

my friend still hadn't arrived, and the woman asked me if I was prepaired for the day. I said I had my bus ticket, and I was all set. She was becoming further and further away from me. She asked if I had cash, and I pulled out a pocket of change. She said I'd need money for a boarding pass, so I said I could go get some. SHe said she'd keep an eye out for my friend, and I wandered down a hall that turned out to be a food court. THe first place I stuck my nose had mexican/spanish cooking that smelled WONDERFUL. the place had red walls, and some tacky decorations, but had a beautiful display of food. I looked for a mc/visa logo to see if i could get cash from them, and I saw one, but I thought better of buying the food because I was on a diet. I left, and walked down the hall looking for a grocery store where I could get some good healthy food and some cash.

and then I woke up..

so far, only missed one day

got to be impressed with myself. I missed exercising on tuesday but I hve a darn good excuse. DH took me to a very very early eye exam. The drops for the exam make me all sick, so I spent the rest of the day in bed.

*shrug*

today I did NOT want to get out of bed either, but I forced myself. Granted I was late to work, but I exercised. Guess I can do ANYTHING for 20 minutes.

I am amazed by how much I sweat too. it isn't pretty and I don't like it. but I guess it is good for me.

I was just reading back on my blog to see if I covered something, and realized this board is no longer as annonomous as I would have liked. oh well. If you don't like what I have to say, don't come here.

mostly this board is verbal diarrhea (wonder if I should change the name) simply to type things out to see them in writing, and to try to sort through my feelings, as well as some sort of record of my life - since I have a hard time remembering specifics (for a reason, but that is too complicated to go into) while I'll never lie to my blog, or even exaggerate (well maybe a little but just to make a point) most of the stuff I type here I'd never say to another soul. Like right now I want to throw things at a co-worker. He's turned his music on so loud that I can't hear my own - and I'm right next to it. I just want to tell him to get some freakin manners and a clue, but that isn't anything I'd ever say to him in person - if you know what I mean. kinda like talking about one's weight.. just not something you do in polite conversation. but this is my blog and is not polite conversation. it is who I am inside.. which isn't the norm.. or maybe it is, and everyone else is just afraid to say these things in polite conversation

*shrug*

brr.. I'm cold.. I need a sweater..