a flurry of unnameable emotions

I'm sitting here at work feeling.... well unnameable emotions. it isn't that I don't want to name them, but more I can't sort out the mess of emotions to name any of them. Maybe some anxiety, maybe some grief for my loss of (does loss or weight loss make sense?) some helplessness and a lot of frustration.. among probably a dozen others

I went to the endocrinologist yesterday. He checked over the blood work my dr did, and said everything seems normal. He ordered the tests to be done again, but if they come back normal I'm pretty much up a creek with out a paddle. There are no other traditional avenues for me to explore for my issues.

I don't know what I want to happen from these tests I'll have run on Friday. I mean if my thyroid is whacked, then great I have an answer, but then I have to go on medication.. if it isn't, then I have nothing. I'm just going to keep gaining weight.

When I asked the dr what would be next if everything came out normal his answer was diet and exercise. I wanted to hit him.. badly. If it were simply a question of my not exercising or eating more than I burn in a day I wouldn't be wasting my time or his or wasting my blood with these freakin tests.. I aim to eat about 1200-1500 calories, and yes, I do have a handful of nuts or a cookie in addition to my planned calories, but I'm burning 2200 calories a day.. so I am in a calorie deficit each and every day *save for occasional oh puck it days* it is just so frustrating to be eating healthy, to be avoiding all the yummy goodies of the world, and to be gaining weight. Heck I would be happy if I had just stopped losing weight when I was at 187. (ok that's a lie. I wanted very much to be in the 170s) Dr talked about how when you get older it is difficult to lose weight - and again I wanted to hit him because not being able to lose weight is not my main issue. (see being happy stuck at 187)

I'm at the point that if everything comes back as 'normal' I'm just going to go to the plastic surgeon and have my arms cut off and lipo done on as many areas as I can afford. If I suck out half the fat cells then my body has to work extra hard to rebuild them.. so maybe that will give me a few more years at a smaller size, and hopefully I'll be 50ish by the time I gain weight back.. (although who am I kidding, I'm not going to be happy about being fat when I'm 50)

*sigh*

doesn't help that I'm sitting here in a pair of jeans that I had to buy because my butt got too big for my skinny (ok so 187 isn't skinny but it is for me) pants. It just breaks my heart. Having done all the work, and doing all the work.. and it just not working. It feels a little bit like moving a beach one grain of sand at a time - but even then I would have a pile of sand in the new location to look at. I suppose it is like trying to move a beach one grain of sand at a time in a wind storm.. after not sleeping for three weeks, and it is winter..

hair cut

got my haircut this weekend. DH didn't notice. I had four inches taken off, so I would think it would be noticable. Well I come in to work this morning, and no one else notices either. So I think he's off the hook.

weirndess in threes

Now this is has turned into a pretty odd day for me. Started out as I was leaving for work. A clover blossom caught my eye, and I thought i would pick it for the rabbit. I picked it, and saw another, so I went over and picked that too, and then noticed a hole in my driveway. Ok technically it is the asphalt that goes from the driveway to the porch. There is no aspholt in the hole at all. Like someone picked it up and carried it away - but it is in the middle of the walk. It was very very odd. The dirt and rocks in the hole were almost up to the level of the asphalt, and looked like someone had dug a small hole there - about the size of three soda cans tops.

So then I head off to work, and when I stop I walk around the front of my car and notice a ding in the headlight glass. Only problem is the ding is on the INSIDE of the glass, so from the outside it is smooth. I have never noticed this before.

Lastly, I ended up in the bathroom, and realized I had a piece of paper stuck to my behind. No idea how it got there, as this particular piece of paper has been in the middle of a stack of papers that was in the kitchen for quite some time.

I'm done with the weirdness for today :)

BMI and fat % confusion

Ok, now I am very very confused.

I have always guaged what I should weigh by my BMI. For my height, 18.5-24.9 (normal range) means that I need to weigh 159 or less. (and to think my mother put me on a diet when I was 150!!)

anyway.. My digital body fat % scale says my current body fat % is 30.5. Normal is 15-23%

So I'm only 7% away from normal? that doesn't make sence, because that is a loss of 14lbs (give or take)

so lets just pretend I lose that weight, that makes me 186, which is pretty darn far away from the 159 the BMI says I should be.

So what's with me? Am I retaining water? Do I have an adema (or several? My thighs and arms are highly distended) or is my digital scale just wrong?

where on earth do I get answers for these questions?

I hate worms!

so I cleaned up the foster kitten room the other day, and realized there was a plate of food that I had taken up since no one had eaten it and put aside and forgot about. I had no idea how old it was, but it was probably at least several days.

I went to scrape the food out of it and into the trash when the smell of the rotted food hit me. It didn't seem that bad when I picked it up, so I took another look at it (big mistake) and it MOVED!! some how I didn't scream, but was able to take another look. There were several small white worms (probably maggots since the room recently had several flies in it) I almost hurled. Fortunately my husband was home and he was able to deal with it for me.

Seems every August we have the same issues with the kitten room. Too hot, too many flies, too smelly, fleas... I hope I never have to add too many worms!!

dream

i remember walking into a home/confrence center. It had double french doors, and felt like a home, but it had chairs set up for a confrence / meeting. a guy who looked like Jay Mohr was in the back roaw and was hitting on a girl in the row in front of him. She started giving his speil right along with him, then several girls in each row also joined in, almost making it a song - as if he constantly hit on girls and forgot who he hit on. I shook my head and then went to the front row where an overweight woman was talking to someone I was going to sit next to about how pantyhose tear up the inside of her knees and calfs. I was surprised because when I wear pantyhose it tears up the inside of my inner thighs.

Instead of sitting down I was distracted into another conversation. turns out I was to fly out to Paris that afternoon. I walked outside and realized I was on a commercial boat dock. a large yaht was coming into port VERY fast, but it handled and turned well enough to handle the turns as it needed to turn down a narrow channel. I was standing on a floating dock, and several guys thought it would be funny to use the wake to raise one side of it, so I had to lean back very far - almost as if standing on a wall. A dock master came by and asked if I needed any help - to which I said I only needed the morons at the end to be arrested.

I got off the dock, and I was in the airport. A guy I knew started flirting with me, and I suggested he buy a ticket to Paris and come with us (as it was a group of us going to Paris) and I pulled up my ID badge hanging around my neck - which had an IPhone attached and I searched to see if a seat was available. He realized he needed something out of his car and ran off. As I waited - a family member (unknown to awake me) said they needed my help. They had a tote of guinea pigs. Apparently they (she and her man) tried to breed them, but got overwhelmed. I went with her and ended up back in the home (??) that had hundreds of pigs in them ranging in sizes from tiny dwarf pigs to big chunky pigs. The little ones were nasty and several of them either tried or did bite me. I ended up with a tote of pigs to be examined by a vet to be neutered, and along with the pigs were many rolls of parchment paper.

at which point I woke up.

very very confused.