Ok, so I worked out for two hours yesterday.. so what. That shouldn't account for the drop in weight.. I know, because I've worked out for two hours before.
I have a sneaking suspicion that the thyroid support supplement, and the adrenal fatigue supplement I've been taking has a lot more to do with this... especially since I had lasagna twice this weekend, and some Christmas fair cookies and fudge and lemon cake (good good and not so good) along with two cupcakes and generally just not paying THAT much attention to what I ate.
I mean I wasn't overboard, but I certainly wasn't a teetotaler either. not to mention the slow drop over the past week as well.
Ticks me off that my dr couldn't come up with anything for me. And the specialist they sent me to suggested surgery..
If this continues this week as well, I will pretty much be hooked on the idea that it is the supplements and will be buying additional bottles..
On another note, my dreams have been pretty mean to me lately. The first was interesting. I killed someone. Not on purpose, I believe we got into a heated argument and one thing led to another.. but it what happened next that bothered me. I decided I was going to try to eliminate myself from the situation and did everything I could to erase evidence and I had taken care of everything but one little thing and I was trying to decide if I wanted to go back and take care of that thing, or call in the anonymous call to the police.. Really bothered me that I could go from so angry that I killed someone (and no I have no idea who) to so calculating and cold. That was one trait I really hated in my mother - who went from yelling at me and screaming at me to quiet and pleasant if the phone rang.
The dream this morning was of my high school friend's wedding. She wanted me to be in it (which is not true in real life, she really hurt me over her wedding and she knew it and never bothered to talk to me about it) but then never communicated one little thing. The morning of the wedding I grabbed all the fancy dresses I owned and ran down to where I thought they would be, but they were already at the church. I lamented that she didn't include me in ANY of the prep, none of the shopping, no talk about colors or anything... and yet everyone was blaming me for not taking a more active roll. I tried to explain that this is not something you force yourself into. I didn't know any of her friends, so throwing her a shower was out for me, and no one contacted me about her showers. I couldn't kidnap her and take her dress shopping, etc. But in the end they were still blaming me, and saying I hurt her. I woke up feeling pathetic.
seriously. Why can't my dreams be nice to me. I need myself to be nice to me. I want luxury, beautiful things, loving and adoring friends and fans.. to be helpful and needed in my dreams.. *sigh*
and just to make this day perfect... I had decided I was going to get my hair cut today. I was hoping that all of the dyed hair would have grown out by this point (I'm thinking of cutting it up to my shoulders) but it doesn't look like that is going to happen for another couple of months, and I'm ready for it to be short again because all I ever do is put it up. It is flat and unappealing to me down lately and I know it is because of the weight of the length.. so what happens this morning? My hair looks PERFECT! why is it EVERY SINGLE TIME I DECIDE TO GET IT CUT IT DOES THIS??? arrgh
11.16.2009
11.11.2009
11.09.2009
:)
What doesn't kill me does not make me stronger. It makes me anxious, bitchy, and vulnerable...but nobody wants to see that embroidered on a pillow.
~Lisa Kogan
~Lisa Kogan
when I was younger
When I was younger. Old enough that I should have known better, but apparently not..
When I was younger I wanted something I should not have. Not having much to begin with, I was greedy for more. I wanted things that were not good for me, and I reached out to get them. I got a taste, and I liked it. But it was not to be.
Looking back, it is a good thing that it did not happen. It is a good thing that I was not able to have all that I wanted. At the time I rallied against convention and cried that life was not fair. and I suppose in a way I still agree with that. But convention is easy. It is a long held ritual that gives you comfort and a degree of happiness that is outside of actual fact. Happiness that comes with the ritual itself, not so much the actual doing...
I still want and ache for more, but I have come to realize that even if I could change the world to have all that I want, it would not work.
I am old enough now to know. I guess I knew even then, but I did not care. Now I care. and I am sorry to anyone who was hurt by my greed
When I was younger I wanted something I should not have. Not having much to begin with, I was greedy for more. I wanted things that were not good for me, and I reached out to get them. I got a taste, and I liked it. But it was not to be.
Looking back, it is a good thing that it did not happen. It is a good thing that I was not able to have all that I wanted. At the time I rallied against convention and cried that life was not fair. and I suppose in a way I still agree with that. But convention is easy. It is a long held ritual that gives you comfort and a degree of happiness that is outside of actual fact. Happiness that comes with the ritual itself, not so much the actual doing...
I still want and ache for more, but I have come to realize that even if I could change the world to have all that I want, it would not work.
I am old enough now to know. I guess I knew even then, but I did not care. Now I care. and I am sorry to anyone who was hurt by my greed
202
can we scream frustrated. I seriously am really wanting to follow through on my threat to get liposuction.. *sigh*
I had a couple of odd dreams lately. One I was fishing. I used a three foot fish as bait, and I was expecting to catch a monster of a fish. I had little more then twine as fishing line, and when something bit on the line, I used neoprine gloves on top of my hand to guide the line as it let out and as I reeled it in. I kept backing up and backing up and finally I was on land still trying to reel in this fish. I walked through a church, going in one side and out the other. Not sure why I thought this would help bring the fish in but I did it, all the while keeping the glove on top of my hand and the line on top of the glove. I'm pretty sure at the end of the dream I caught a glimpse of the fish on the end of the line, but I can't remember for the life of me if it was a giant huge catch or some little guppy.
This morning I had a dream that one of my cats was outside. She was sitting on the wrong side of a old style glass French door looking rather pathetic. When I woke up and saw my husband with a different cat on his shoulders I asked him if he had seen "his kitty" (the one in the dream) and he said yes, so it was just some odd little thing. Why would I dream that??
Then this morning I got it in my head to look up my class reunion. Probably because of the hoopla over the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. Odd how I have never made that connection before, but then again I was in my freshmen year of colleage when it actually fell.
I found a facebook group with some photos that I was able to surf through. I recognized one woman, but that is only because she has changed very little. There were a couple of other women whom I think I recognize even to the point of coming up with a name for them. The others - even with name tags I'm clueless. I have blocked out most of my high school experience being that my class was pretty horrid to me. I have absolutely no intention of ever going to a reunion, but man i wouldn't mind being a fly on the wall. Maybe if someone tracked me down (I'm not that hard to find for those who know me) and asked me to go I probably would, but no one would ever do that as ... well see above where my class was pretty horrid. I had some friends in the classes above me and below me, but alas you aren't invited to those are you?
Part of me wants to give these people a chance. I mean we all went through the same thing - all be it from different social standings - and I have heard stories of friendships being made that could never be made while still in school. But I guess I am just not strong enough.
I had a couple of odd dreams lately. One I was fishing. I used a three foot fish as bait, and I was expecting to catch a monster of a fish. I had little more then twine as fishing line, and when something bit on the line, I used neoprine gloves on top of my hand to guide the line as it let out and as I reeled it in. I kept backing up and backing up and finally I was on land still trying to reel in this fish. I walked through a church, going in one side and out the other. Not sure why I thought this would help bring the fish in but I did it, all the while keeping the glove on top of my hand and the line on top of the glove. I'm pretty sure at the end of the dream I caught a glimpse of the fish on the end of the line, but I can't remember for the life of me if it was a giant huge catch or some little guppy.
This morning I had a dream that one of my cats was outside. She was sitting on the wrong side of a old style glass French door looking rather pathetic. When I woke up and saw my husband with a different cat on his shoulders I asked him if he had seen "his kitty" (the one in the dream) and he said yes, so it was just some odd little thing. Why would I dream that??
Then this morning I got it in my head to look up my class reunion. Probably because of the hoopla over the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. Odd how I have never made that connection before, but then again I was in my freshmen year of colleage when it actually fell.
I found a facebook group with some photos that I was able to surf through. I recognized one woman, but that is only because she has changed very little. There were a couple of other women whom I think I recognize even to the point of coming up with a name for them. The others - even with name tags I'm clueless. I have blocked out most of my high school experience being that my class was pretty horrid to me. I have absolutely no intention of ever going to a reunion, but man i wouldn't mind being a fly on the wall. Maybe if someone tracked me down (I'm not that hard to find for those who know me) and asked me to go I probably would, but no one would ever do that as ... well see above where my class was pretty horrid. I had some friends in the classes above me and below me, but alas you aren't invited to those are you?
Part of me wants to give these people a chance. I mean we all went through the same thing - all be it from different social standings - and I have heard stories of friendships being made that could never be made while still in school. But I guess I am just not strong enough.
11.03.2009
202.5 or 204 depending
I have been weighing at 202.5 for a while now. Last night I woke up out of a dream and was awake, and was so for an hour or two. When that happens I always gain. It is frustrating as all get out, but at least I know that it is not real, and it WILL go away.
What is super frustrating though is I ate about 1300 calories and I burned of 2700.. so (grumbles more about evil body not wanting to lose weight)
I am pretty sure I am at the point where I am just going to give in and have liposuction now. I'm only 30% fat, and 50% water. I fairly certain I have some sort of something going on, and if I can get rid of the excess space in my body, then it won't feel the need to fill it up. I know I am going to have to have lipo no matter what happens because my arms will never be ideal, and I doubt my thighs will either nor will that little muffin top that has formed right above my belly button.
and I saw a lipo done on cankles on the TV show "The Doctors" and OMG I want that!! I have always had huge fat calfs that I feel like I have elephant legs if I wear anything that doesn't show my knee but shows off my legs. So I am going to go talk to a dr at some point in the next month or two about the cost of all that. Chances are I'm just going to do my arms/thighs/upper belly. As I've said before, I want my arms cut off completely, but I think I'm ok right now just getting them smaller so they fit into regular - non spandex - shirts. If the shirts have no stretch, I have to wear a large. If they have stretch, I fit into a lot of XS. Still scared out of my mind to do it.. but all this frustration over what I'm eating, and how much I'm exercising (I'm now exercising twice a day) is inane.
Speaking of inane.. I have to say I wish my brain would learn to be nicer to me!! I was sleeping last night, and dreaming I was in a group of people somewhere, and I spotted this very handsome man. It was kind of odd because he was out of proportion to everyone else - much bigger almost cartoonish. But instead of being a good thing, he then morphed into some sort of killer with an electrical shocking thing and he was chasing the cats and trying to electrocute them!! I woke up more annoyed than anything else. I'm glad I wasn't freaked. I think because he didn't get any that it didn't freak me out.
Cats have been interupting a lot of my dreams lately. I remember I was a reporter trying to get a story about some serial killers and I was interviewing two boys in a van about the situation, and like any good movie, these boys were actually the killers. I was distracted by a cat climbing into the van and while I was distracted they escaped and went on a killing spree (or so I drempt.. not so much that I saw) after waking up from that one, I had another about a ghost. It was a male ghost haunting a hotel and a male staff member. The ghost was frustrated and thus being violent. I left the hotel and went down the street to a store and tried on a scarf - that was more like a table runner, thick and wide. I thought it was beautiful and very Victorian. I wore it more as a piece that ran down once side of my outfit more than a scarf around the neck. I walked back through several stores, one serving food. when I got back to the hotel, I had to deal with the man and the ghost again, and we had to flee. I went to a nearby home - again very Victorian, and the ghost attached to me and turned into a woman. I walked through the house, into the kitchen, through the dinning room and out onto a porch. The ghost followed me around until a cat came up to me and wanted to cuddle, at which point the ghost (who was no longer violent but more mischievous) left.
What is super frustrating though is I ate about 1300 calories and I burned of 2700.. so (grumbles more about evil body not wanting to lose weight)
I am pretty sure I am at the point where I am just going to give in and have liposuction now. I'm only 30% fat, and 50% water. I fairly certain I have some sort of something going on, and if I can get rid of the excess space in my body, then it won't feel the need to fill it up. I know I am going to have to have lipo no matter what happens because my arms will never be ideal, and I doubt my thighs will either nor will that little muffin top that has formed right above my belly button.
and I saw a lipo done on cankles on the TV show "The Doctors" and OMG I want that!! I have always had huge fat calfs that I feel like I have elephant legs if I wear anything that doesn't show my knee but shows off my legs. So I am going to go talk to a dr at some point in the next month or two about the cost of all that. Chances are I'm just going to do my arms/thighs/upper belly. As I've said before, I want my arms cut off completely, but I think I'm ok right now just getting them smaller so they fit into regular - non spandex - shirts. If the shirts have no stretch, I have to wear a large. If they have stretch, I fit into a lot of XS. Still scared out of my mind to do it.. but all this frustration over what I'm eating, and how much I'm exercising (I'm now exercising twice a day) is inane.
Speaking of inane.. I have to say I wish my brain would learn to be nicer to me!! I was sleeping last night, and dreaming I was in a group of people somewhere, and I spotted this very handsome man. It was kind of odd because he was out of proportion to everyone else - much bigger almost cartoonish. But instead of being a good thing, he then morphed into some sort of killer with an electrical shocking thing and he was chasing the cats and trying to electrocute them!! I woke up more annoyed than anything else. I'm glad I wasn't freaked. I think because he didn't get any that it didn't freak me out.
Cats have been interupting a lot of my dreams lately. I remember I was a reporter trying to get a story about some serial killers and I was interviewing two boys in a van about the situation, and like any good movie, these boys were actually the killers. I was distracted by a cat climbing into the van and while I was distracted they escaped and went on a killing spree (or so I drempt.. not so much that I saw) after waking up from that one, I had another about a ghost. It was a male ghost haunting a hotel and a male staff member. The ghost was frustrated and thus being violent. I left the hotel and went down the street to a store and tried on a scarf - that was more like a table runner, thick and wide. I thought it was beautiful and very Victorian. I wore it more as a piece that ran down once side of my outfit more than a scarf around the neck. I walked back through several stores, one serving food. when I got back to the hotel, I had to deal with the man and the ghost again, and we had to flee. I went to a nearby home - again very Victorian, and the ghost attached to me and turned into a woman. I walked through the house, into the kitchen, through the dinning room and out onto a porch. The ghost followed me around until a cat came up to me and wanted to cuddle, at which point the ghost (who was no longer violent but more mischievous) left.
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