I am so beyond frustrated with my body at this point. At least I'm pretty darn sure it isn't my conscious being that is responsible for my weight gain. I am logging just about everything I eat at thedailyplate (an occasional bite of something is hard to log, but it generally is only a bite)
According to my GoWear, I am burning *approximately* 2400 calories a day. I'm eating *generally* 1400-1600 calories, so generally I'm down 800+ calories a day. There have been a few days were it was only -500. and one day it was -200. but as you can see (or I can as I have access to the charts) that I absolutely should be on a weight loss trend as I have never been over the number of calories I've burned.
And yet I am still 199. This morning was the first time I had seen that in a while. I initially logged 199, then a few days later I went up to 200, then to 203. I was thinking just water weight, so I didn't log it. But I continued to remain over 200 until this morning.
so *MAYBE* I'm about to start losing weight again? I'm afraid to be hopeful. I'm trying to remain positive, and I constantly tell myself that I can lose weight, that it is healthy to lose weight, that I should be letting go of the fat, not holding on to it, etc. Picturing weight loss, picturing food being helpful to my body.. if positive thinking were a weight loss plan I'd be 120lbs :) but I'm trying to remember that it is being healthy and active and positive that is what truly matters. Not a number on the scale.
but I have a number of cute clothes that at this point don't really fit right because of these 20lbs. I'd like them to fit so I don't have to go out and buy more. Ok, honestly, I'd like them to be too big so I do have to go out and buy more.. but I'll accept them fitting :D
4.30.2009
Dreams
I was in the rabbit room / craft room yesterday and I saw a bottle of paint that has a Zayer sticker on it. Now Zayers was bought out by Ames, and Ames closed years ago. I had to wonder how well that paint would work.. and I know I need to go through my crafting supplies and cull them badly.
Well this apparently worked its way into my dreams, because I was outside of where Zayers used to be. The building has been reworked in real life, but in my dream it was much as it was. Only it wasn't Zayer. It was "The Consumerist" in big bold neon red letters. Now The Consumerist is a website I frequent. Only the store had nothing to do with the website. Once I got in there it was a museum of some sort, or maybe the walls were just decorated with 'old stuff'. Not really sure. I know I was looking at one VERY tall wall that had ancient roman artifacts in large display cases / frames. I think they were breast plates, but I'm not 100% sure. there were 7 to 10 stacked high (very tall wall) and I was amazed these things were in here. I continued to wander, and found myself in a locker room of some sort. There was another down the hall a bit, and in that locker room was a guy I once had a crush on. K was in there and I wanted to go see him, but part of me said "NO!!!" and I was having a bit of an internal struggle if I should go say hi or not. K started to leave, and I ended up hiding so he wouldn't see me. I apparently made noise, because he called hello into the room. Which is when I woke up.
Well this apparently worked its way into my dreams, because I was outside of where Zayers used to be. The building has been reworked in real life, but in my dream it was much as it was. Only it wasn't Zayer. It was "The Consumerist" in big bold neon red letters. Now The Consumerist is a website I frequent. Only the store had nothing to do with the website. Once I got in there it was a museum of some sort, or maybe the walls were just decorated with 'old stuff'. Not really sure. I know I was looking at one VERY tall wall that had ancient roman artifacts in large display cases / frames. I think they were breast plates, but I'm not 100% sure. there were 7 to 10 stacked high (very tall wall) and I was amazed these things were in here. I continued to wander, and found myself in a locker room of some sort. There was another down the hall a bit, and in that locker room was a guy I once had a crush on. K was in there and I wanted to go see him, but part of me said "NO!!!" and I was having a bit of an internal struggle if I should go say hi or not. K started to leave, and I ended up hiding so he wouldn't see me. I apparently made noise, because he called hello into the room. Which is when I woke up.
4.29.2009
Dreams
I had three dreams last night that I want to remember, but at this point I only recall two.
first I was walking past an old house and I heard a noise so I went in. Inside there was an old german shepard who started to sniff me. I wasn't quite sure what to make of the dog, did't know if I should be worried or not. I kept watching the dog, and realized that it was missing both eyes. At that point many other dogs and puppies started surrounding me in the area. They weren't being protective, just there. I tried to get out of the house but walking in between all the dogs was difficult.
The second dream was me being in an episode of Dr. Who. There was a man who I was close to, and for some reason I had to be separted from him. I said to him that the next time I saw him he wouldn't know me, and I turned and left. I was then in a crowded station and walking through I bumped into the man who was with the doctor. I said hi, trying to be casual, but he saw that there was more and didn't understand so he chased after me. Dr. Who chased after him. it was emotional, as I tried to put him off, saying we didn't know each other. He refused to believe me. Then time jumped again and he was dead. I was devistated, and sobbing uncontrolably. Dr. Who grabbed me and tried to comfort me saying we knew this would happen.
although how we knew each other and loved each other but yet he died not knowing me is something that confused me when I woke up.
The third one had something to do with an old house. I was exporing it and looking at things.
it is kind of amazing how fleeting dreams are. How you can have such a moving dream that you so want to remember, but in the light of day they are just gone.
first I was walking past an old house and I heard a noise so I went in. Inside there was an old german shepard who started to sniff me. I wasn't quite sure what to make of the dog, did't know if I should be worried or not. I kept watching the dog, and realized that it was missing both eyes. At that point many other dogs and puppies started surrounding me in the area. They weren't being protective, just there. I tried to get out of the house but walking in between all the dogs was difficult.
The second dream was me being in an episode of Dr. Who. There was a man who I was close to, and for some reason I had to be separted from him. I said to him that the next time I saw him he wouldn't know me, and I turned and left. I was then in a crowded station and walking through I bumped into the man who was with the doctor. I said hi, trying to be casual, but he saw that there was more and didn't understand so he chased after me. Dr. Who chased after him. it was emotional, as I tried to put him off, saying we didn't know each other. He refused to believe me. Then time jumped again and he was dead. I was devistated, and sobbing uncontrolably. Dr. Who grabbed me and tried to comfort me saying we knew this would happen.
although how we knew each other and loved each other but yet he died not knowing me is something that confused me when I woke up.
The third one had something to do with an old house. I was exporing it and looking at things.
it is kind of amazing how fleeting dreams are. How you can have such a moving dream that you so want to remember, but in the light of day they are just gone.
4.27.2009
I hate nature
see more Lolcats and funny pictures
No seriously, I do.
I did some "gardening" this weekend. Gardening for me involves going out into my little flower bed, turning the soil, getting rid of those vine-ing weeds, and maybe planting something I got at Walmart that I thought was pretty. I'm not big into nature. Mostly because it is outside. I mean eww. Sun to burn my pasty white skin, bugs to chew on my pasty white flesh, and dirt! (not to mention cow poop - well cause I don't have cows, but still!)
i found a couple of grubs. I hate grubs.
I disturbed an ant's nest. I can deal with ants, they are small, but they are squirmy, and i shouldn't be disturbing them. They have enough to do with out rebuilding their home.
and finally as I'm pulling weeds, I find myself apologising to them for pulling them up. I mean how stupid does that make me feel??? They are plants for goodness sakes!
So my peonies are starting to sprout. I've got something I can't identify in there as well. Might be a weed, might be something cute, no idea. I've got two plants I do know are supposed to be there growing. I put in some other flowers that I found at walmart last year that I used to have outside my home growing up. I loved them, my mother didn't and pulled them after several years. I'm glad to have them, but I don't know if they survived the winter. Time will tell. I bought a small catnip plant and another plant that has purple flowers. Who knows if they will live or not as they were supposed to be watered after I planted them. I didn't because the weather man (and the abundant clouds in the sky) said it was going to rain.
I like having flowers, I just don't like having to work to have them.
4.24.2009
*I am hungry!!!*
Well this is a post to waste time. I have about 20 minutes left in my work day and I am out of food. I'm so hungry. I want lunch so badly.
I know I'm not REALLY this hungry, but my body is screaming.
this is not really helping. i thought blogging would distract me, although talking about how hungry I am really isn't taking my mind off it is it?
:)
So I've worn my GoWear fit for almost a week now. I've burned at least 600 calories more than I've taken in every day. My sleeping is quite disturbed, and I rarely get more than 2 hours of uninterupted sleep. My DH is out of town, and I think I'm going to lock the cats out of the bedroom tonight and see what happens. I hate the thought of depriving them of my company (their world is awful small you know) but I'd love to see what happens.
My energy level has started to increase since I started taking hormones. I am not comfortable saying that the hormones are increasing my energy, or if this is just a normal upflux - because they have happened in the past. If I still feel energenic next week THEN I'll say it is the hormones.
Tis the first nice day of spring out there. Saw my first dandelion as well. for a pasty white chick who hates being outside, I'm just too excited about all this.
surprisingly, one of the things I'm looking forward to is picking dandelions for my rabbit to munch on.. ok, not that surprising.
*goes to lable this post and realizes there is no diet category. How odd
I know I'm not REALLY this hungry, but my body is screaming.
this is not really helping. i thought blogging would distract me, although talking about how hungry I am really isn't taking my mind off it is it?
:)
So I've worn my GoWear fit for almost a week now. I've burned at least 600 calories more than I've taken in every day. My sleeping is quite disturbed, and I rarely get more than 2 hours of uninterupted sleep. My DH is out of town, and I think I'm going to lock the cats out of the bedroom tonight and see what happens. I hate the thought of depriving them of my company (their world is awful small you know) but I'd love to see what happens.
My energy level has started to increase since I started taking hormones. I am not comfortable saying that the hormones are increasing my energy, or if this is just a normal upflux - because they have happened in the past. If I still feel energenic next week THEN I'll say it is the hormones.
Tis the first nice day of spring out there. Saw my first dandelion as well. for a pasty white chick who hates being outside, I'm just too excited about all this.
surprisingly, one of the things I'm looking forward to is picking dandelions for my rabbit to munch on.. ok, not that surprising.
*goes to lable this post and realizes there is no diet category. How odd
4.22.2009
*headdesk*
Ugh.
I'm stuck at work and bored out of my mind. I know I SHOULD be working, but the work I have to do is menial and boring and frankly never ending so I just don't want to do it.
I suppose I could do other work, such as billing or processing checks, but I don't wanna do that either.
Man, I'm whining today aren't I? I should be thrilled I have a job, and that I'm getting paid, but really since I got almost no sleep last night all I want to do is go home and nap.
DH is out of town. He got bumped on a work flight a while back and was given a credit towards another flight, so he decided to use it to go see his sister. He wanted me to come along but a) the credit wasn't that much and b) someone has to take care of the cats and c) i hate to travel. It will be good for him to spend some time with his family. He has six sisters and two brothers. Two of his sisters live out of state. One in the south, the other in the midwest (ish). So he's made a huge to-do out of this. One of his sisters is driving down and the three of them are going to spend a few days together.
I just don't get it, because I don't have a close relationship with anyone in my family. I just can't imagine spending several days together. And while this puts a huge burden on me (cause caring for 18 cats and a rabbit and myself is a job for more than one person) I hope he has fun.
While putting catagories on this post, I saw my one for stupid online quizes. I haven't done any of those in a while.. I think I'll go see if I can find out how good a pirate I'd make :D
I'm stuck at work and bored out of my mind. I know I SHOULD be working, but the work I have to do is menial and boring and frankly never ending so I just don't want to do it.
I suppose I could do other work, such as billing or processing checks, but I don't wanna do that either.
Man, I'm whining today aren't I? I should be thrilled I have a job, and that I'm getting paid, but really since I got almost no sleep last night all I want to do is go home and nap.
DH is out of town. He got bumped on a work flight a while back and was given a credit towards another flight, so he decided to use it to go see his sister. He wanted me to come along but a) the credit wasn't that much and b) someone has to take care of the cats and c) i hate to travel. It will be good for him to spend some time with his family. He has six sisters and two brothers. Two of his sisters live out of state. One in the south, the other in the midwest (ish). So he's made a huge to-do out of this. One of his sisters is driving down and the three of them are going to spend a few days together.
I just don't get it, because I don't have a close relationship with anyone in my family. I just can't imagine spending several days together. And while this puts a huge burden on me (cause caring for 18 cats and a rabbit and myself is a job for more than one person) I hope he has fun.
While putting catagories on this post, I saw my one for stupid online quizes. I haven't done any of those in a while.. I think I'll go see if I can find out how good a pirate I'd make :D
4.21.2009
GoWear Fit
Ok. So I broke down and bought a GoWear Fit.
For a while now, I have been following a low calorie diet, exercising and not losing weight. Now granted, I haven't been very strict on my NS plan, but for the most part I have been under 1500 calories (yes, there are days I've had pizza, or chinese food, but those were honestly rare)
Since I lost about 70 lbs in a little over a year.. maybe a year and a half, then since then (the past year) I have put on 20lbs and have not been able to get them back off, I have gotten quite frustrated. I went to a nutritionist who was not all that helpful. She made suggestions that were counter to a lot of info I had read. But I tried it, and while I did initially drop a pound or two, it didn't stay off. (who is to say that I wasn't in a normal weight loss trend anyway - since I have been fluctuating from 195-200lbs for a while)
So.. I researched my options for figuring out how many calories I burn in a day. General BMR says that I burn about 2000+ not doing anything but existing. Since I'm eating 1500 calories, generally I should be losing weight.
I had heard a great deal about the body bugg. I mean it is all over the Biggest Loser show, and lots of people swear by it. Wanting to get a deal, I looked into other options. Honestly there is no competition for the BB except the GWF, and they are made by the same company.
So why did I choose the GoWear Fit? because it tracks when I am asleep. Since I have issues sleeping, this information interested me.
I bought mine at Dick's Sporting Goods (which was humorous, because I called to see if they had it and they answered yes with out sounding like they looked and once I got there the clerk we asked about the location of said product had NO idea where it was). I bought it there instead of through the company because a) no shipping costs, b) came with three months free service.
now the GWF and the BB are both basically useless with out the internet subscription to download the information it gathers. I HATE this. When I bought my Tivo, I immediately grabbed the life time service, and haven't upgraded my tivos until they have offered life time service. I probably won't ever upgrade my Tivo again because they seem to want to charge me monthly. Can't blame them. but I don't have to like it.
I hope eventually GWF will offer me something to get the information off the device with out the monthly subscription. They are losing a LOT of business because of this. Every time I go onto a BB regarding the GWF, that is the major complaint. Even if it is reduced information I would be cool with that. Rumor has it I can buy the display and then remove the battery from it every other week to clear the memory. I'm not ready to do that, as I like the information I'm currently getting from the website. but I might consider this in the future, because $12 a month is a LOT of money.. and so is the $7 that you can get it down to if you buy a year subscription.
So. I've been wearing the thing for about a week now. I have learned that I am NOT burning the amount of calories that thedailyplate.com has said I was burning during my work outs. that is ok. I also learned that I burn about 1.3 calories a minute generally aka sitting around doing nothing. There are times at night when I am sleeping that I burn 1 calorie a minute. Why? no idea.
I generally take about 5000 steps a day. and generally I burn about 2500 calories a day with exercise. Since I'm only eating about 1500.. um.. why on earth am I not losing weight??
I went to my Dr to discuss it. I told her I had severe night sweats, that I gained 20lbs and can't get rid of it, and that my memory was shot and my sex drive was quite diminished. She wants to test my hormones, but I can't do that until right before my next depo shot. In the mean time she offered me some estrogen to take.
Since I'm on Depo (the quarterly shot for birth control) I have no periods (YEA!!) so I have no idea how to figure out if I am going into menopause. Now I'm only 37ish (a few months shy of my 38th birthday) so it is very early for that, but not unheard of.
I've only been on it a couple of days, and I think it is making a difference. Hard to be sure, because there are natural swings in my issues, but I haven't been sweating in bed..
anyway. Back to the GWF. Nice thing about having it on my arm, is it is a constant reminder to be a bit more active. Kind of like having that angel on your shoulder. I know it is on much as I know I'm wearing clothes. The band is not uncomfortable. Sleeping in it is pretty easy (but then again I sleep in hair curlers from time to time, so I am not sure I'm the best judge of what is comfortable to sleep in)
Another downside to the GWF is the food tracking aspect. There wasn't an option for a long time and now there is, but it is independent of other users. So there are some basic foods, but if you eat non generic foods (say like NS) you have to enter it all in yourself. Not a big deal, it does save it, but I have been tracking at thedailyplate.com and prefer that because it is a user created database, so all my NS foods are already there. I am continuing to tract at TDP as many of the GWF users are (who's blogs I found)
The last downside to the GWF that I'm going to mention is my own doing. I upload my data in the evening after dinner. It is hard to find out how many calories I burn in a day when I upload the information before the day is out. It would be nice if it would give me an "assumed calorie burn" for the day based on my not doing anything for the rest of the night. At this point I have to do it myself, figuring out how much time is left in the day and multiplying that by my 1.3 calorie burn per minute. I suppose if I uploaded first thing in the AM it would be easier for me, but I frankly do not have time in the AM.
I'm hoping with the addition of the hormones, and the constant reminder to be active of the GWF, I can get rid of these 50lbs that I REALLY want to get rid of. Heck, I'd be happy with 40 (ok, honestly I'd be happy with 30)
For a while now, I have been following a low calorie diet, exercising and not losing weight. Now granted, I haven't been very strict on my NS plan, but for the most part I have been under 1500 calories (yes, there are days I've had pizza, or chinese food, but those were honestly rare)
Since I lost about 70 lbs in a little over a year.. maybe a year and a half, then since then (the past year) I have put on 20lbs and have not been able to get them back off, I have gotten quite frustrated. I went to a nutritionist who was not all that helpful. She made suggestions that were counter to a lot of info I had read. But I tried it, and while I did initially drop a pound or two, it didn't stay off. (who is to say that I wasn't in a normal weight loss trend anyway - since I have been fluctuating from 195-200lbs for a while)
So.. I researched my options for figuring out how many calories I burn in a day. General BMR says that I burn about 2000+ not doing anything but existing. Since I'm eating 1500 calories, generally I should be losing weight.
I had heard a great deal about the body bugg. I mean it is all over the Biggest Loser show, and lots of people swear by it. Wanting to get a deal, I looked into other options. Honestly there is no competition for the BB except the GWF, and they are made by the same company.
So why did I choose the GoWear Fit? because it tracks when I am asleep. Since I have issues sleeping, this information interested me.
I bought mine at Dick's Sporting Goods (which was humorous, because I called to see if they had it and they answered yes with out sounding like they looked and once I got there the clerk we asked about the location of said product had NO idea where it was). I bought it there instead of through the company because a) no shipping costs, b) came with three months free service.
now the GWF and the BB are both basically useless with out the internet subscription to download the information it gathers. I HATE this. When I bought my Tivo, I immediately grabbed the life time service, and haven't upgraded my tivos until they have offered life time service. I probably won't ever upgrade my Tivo again because they seem to want to charge me monthly. Can't blame them. but I don't have to like it.
I hope eventually GWF will offer me something to get the information off the device with out the monthly subscription. They are losing a LOT of business because of this. Every time I go onto a BB regarding the GWF, that is the major complaint. Even if it is reduced information I would be cool with that. Rumor has it I can buy the display and then remove the battery from it every other week to clear the memory. I'm not ready to do that, as I like the information I'm currently getting from the website. but I might consider this in the future, because $12 a month is a LOT of money.. and so is the $7 that you can get it down to if you buy a year subscription.
So. I've been wearing the thing for about a week now. I have learned that I am NOT burning the amount of calories that thedailyplate.com has said I was burning during my work outs. that is ok. I also learned that I burn about 1.3 calories a minute generally aka sitting around doing nothing. There are times at night when I am sleeping that I burn 1 calorie a minute. Why? no idea.
I generally take about 5000 steps a day. and generally I burn about 2500 calories a day with exercise. Since I'm only eating about 1500.. um.. why on earth am I not losing weight??
I went to my Dr to discuss it. I told her I had severe night sweats, that I gained 20lbs and can't get rid of it, and that my memory was shot and my sex drive was quite diminished. She wants to test my hormones, but I can't do that until right before my next depo shot. In the mean time she offered me some estrogen to take.
Since I'm on Depo (the quarterly shot for birth control) I have no periods (YEA!!) so I have no idea how to figure out if I am going into menopause. Now I'm only 37ish (a few months shy of my 38th birthday) so it is very early for that, but not unheard of.
I've only been on it a couple of days, and I think it is making a difference. Hard to be sure, because there are natural swings in my issues, but I haven't been sweating in bed..
anyway. Back to the GWF. Nice thing about having it on my arm, is it is a constant reminder to be a bit more active. Kind of like having that angel on your shoulder. I know it is on much as I know I'm wearing clothes. The band is not uncomfortable. Sleeping in it is pretty easy (but then again I sleep in hair curlers from time to time, so I am not sure I'm the best judge of what is comfortable to sleep in)
Another downside to the GWF is the food tracking aspect. There wasn't an option for a long time and now there is, but it is independent of other users. So there are some basic foods, but if you eat non generic foods (say like NS) you have to enter it all in yourself. Not a big deal, it does save it, but I have been tracking at thedailyplate.com and prefer that because it is a user created database, so all my NS foods are already there. I am continuing to tract at TDP as many of the GWF users are (who's blogs I found)
The last downside to the GWF that I'm going to mention is my own doing. I upload my data in the evening after dinner. It is hard to find out how many calories I burn in a day when I upload the information before the day is out. It would be nice if it would give me an "assumed calorie burn" for the day based on my not doing anything for the rest of the night. At this point I have to do it myself, figuring out how much time is left in the day and multiplying that by my 1.3 calorie burn per minute. I suppose if I uploaded first thing in the AM it would be easier for me, but I frankly do not have time in the AM.
I'm hoping with the addition of the hormones, and the constant reminder to be active of the GWF, I can get rid of these 50lbs that I REALLY want to get rid of. Heck, I'd be happy with 40 (ok, honestly I'd be happy with 30)
4.16.2009
dream
I really need to keep my computer up and running at home. I shut it down to be energy efficient, but then I don't want to turn it on to write down silly trivial dreams I have cause I KNOW I'll remember them..
Ha ha ha.
so I have had a few interesting dreams, but they are gone.
One I do remember has themes from previous dreams. Obviously I'm trying to tell myself something but what I have no idea.
One I was driving along the beach. It was a road that just opened up on to a beach then the ocean. On the white sands were quite a bit of debris. Mostly drift wood trees. Then some how I ended up in a house that had either water pits instead of floors or pits of water in the floor because once again I was dreaming that I was trying to navigate my way through the house with out falling into the water, and once again I couldn't do it. Fortunately someone helped me out. much as what happened last time. at least this time it wasn't mostly frozen.
I drive or walk along that beach a lot. Sometimes there are obstacles between the road and the beach such as bushes or a fence (like there is in real life) sometimes there isn't anything. Sometimes the water is flooding the road. Sometimes there is a pier and I walk out over the water. usually on the pier there are a lot of businesses that are keeping me from seeing the water, but I know where I am.
Ha ha ha.
so I have had a few interesting dreams, but they are gone.
One I do remember has themes from previous dreams. Obviously I'm trying to tell myself something but what I have no idea.
One I was driving along the beach. It was a road that just opened up on to a beach then the ocean. On the white sands were quite a bit of debris. Mostly drift wood trees. Then some how I ended up in a house that had either water pits instead of floors or pits of water in the floor because once again I was dreaming that I was trying to navigate my way through the house with out falling into the water, and once again I couldn't do it. Fortunately someone helped me out. much as what happened last time. at least this time it wasn't mostly frozen.
I drive or walk along that beach a lot. Sometimes there are obstacles between the road and the beach such as bushes or a fence (like there is in real life) sometimes there isn't anything. Sometimes the water is flooding the road. Sometimes there is a pier and I walk out over the water. usually on the pier there are a lot of businesses that are keeping me from seeing the water, but I know where I am.
Quote
It’s such an interesting world. It wouldn’t be half so interesting if we knew all about everything, would it? There’d be no scope for imagination then…
―Lucy Maud Montgomery
This really spoke to me. Espeically since my brain is still trying to wrap itself around the self esteem issues from the last post. It keeps telling me that a great way to show us how being different is great is to buy a room full of toys for kids to play with, but to buy all the exact same toy. It would be a great visual and hands on example of why different is good.
Speaking of differences, I watched "Better off Ted" last night. Not quite sure what I think of this show, but it hasn't turned me off enough to stop watching yet. But in last nights episode, the main charater's daughter was in a competition to sell the most wrapping paper. The winner got a trip to Disney. Her main competition was a girl in a wheel chair. Interesting (and very not politally correct) discussions ensued of why they should beat her and win. The idea that disabled people want to be treated exactly the same as other people, and if she wasn't in a wheel chair there would be no mercy given, so no mercy should be given. Well the school kids shunned the competitive girl because she was beating the girl in the wheel chair, so the father backed off from his selling.. (well that's not true, he just sold a huge amount in her name.. which was a neat twist)
Not quite sure where I was going with that, but the show made me think. And I love things that make me think.
―Lucy Maud Montgomery
This really spoke to me. Espeically since my brain is still trying to wrap itself around the self esteem issues from the last post. It keeps telling me that a great way to show us how being different is great is to buy a room full of toys for kids to play with, but to buy all the exact same toy. It would be a great visual and hands on example of why different is good.
Speaking of differences, I watched "Better off Ted" last night. Not quite sure what I think of this show, but it hasn't turned me off enough to stop watching yet. But in last nights episode, the main charater's daughter was in a competition to sell the most wrapping paper. The winner got a trip to Disney. Her main competition was a girl in a wheel chair. Interesting (and very not politally correct) discussions ensued of why they should beat her and win. The idea that disabled people want to be treated exactly the same as other people, and if she wasn't in a wheel chair there would be no mercy given, so no mercy should be given. Well the school kids shunned the competitive girl because she was beating the girl in the wheel chair, so the father backed off from his selling.. (well that's not true, he just sold a huge amount in her name.. which was a neat twist)
Not quite sure where I was going with that, but the show made me think. And I love things that make me think.
4.15.2009
well fiddlesticks!!
The other day my wisdom tooth broke. Doesn't hurt, but I am aware it is there, much like you are aware when you hold someone's hand etc. Not painful..
So I have major dental anxiety. I hate novicane. I'm not a fan of pain, and frankly holding my mouth open that long is no fun either.
I love my dentist, but he's an hour away now, and I saw an episode of "the doctors" where they did a bit on laser dentistry, and I wanted to see if that was an option, so I went to a new dentist.
they were nice. Friendly, clean well appointed office (not that my dentist's office isn't that, but it smells like a dental office)
Unfortunatley the dentist said that tooth has to come out :( I don't want to believe it, but since my dentist has been pull happy for years now, I figure it is probably time.
Now the question is, what next? Do I go back to my dentist and see if they can pull the teeth, or if they think an oral surgeon should do it as this guy does. The new guy doesn't bill my insurance, so I have to pay for it all and then get reimbursed. I totally understand why, but I don't much like that option either, cause then I have wait to be paid and it isn't like insurance companies are speedy. and the other question is will my insurance pay for all of it through the new guys or do I have to go to my old dentist to have it paid for? Cause fixing my teeth sans the removals is over $700.
I guess I need to talk to my insurance company.
So I have major dental anxiety. I hate novicane. I'm not a fan of pain, and frankly holding my mouth open that long is no fun either.
I love my dentist, but he's an hour away now, and I saw an episode of "the doctors" where they did a bit on laser dentistry, and I wanted to see if that was an option, so I went to a new dentist.
they were nice. Friendly, clean well appointed office (not that my dentist's office isn't that, but it smells like a dental office)
Unfortunatley the dentist said that tooth has to come out :( I don't want to believe it, but since my dentist has been pull happy for years now, I figure it is probably time.
Now the question is, what next? Do I go back to my dentist and see if they can pull the teeth, or if they think an oral surgeon should do it as this guy does. The new guy doesn't bill my insurance, so I have to pay for it all and then get reimbursed. I totally understand why, but I don't much like that option either, cause then I have wait to be paid and it isn't like insurance companies are speedy. and the other question is will my insurance pay for all of it through the new guys or do I have to go to my old dentist to have it paid for? Cause fixing my teeth sans the removals is over $700.
I guess I need to talk to my insurance company.
4.13.2009
feeling useless again
Well this bites. I was sick, so I was feeling pretty miserable. Then I started to feel better, and my mood improved despite still producing tons of mucus both in my sinuses and in my chest. (I hate it when I can't breathe)
Well this weekend I powered through and got caught up on my exercise. I was 120 minutes past due, so I just did them. I was feeling so strong and powerful.
So what do I do, I start reading a book on self esteem, and how you can do anything and be anything "despite being a girl". (I've always hated that, but that is not really the point)
this book, written to half the human race, is about how wonderful you are, and how great you are, etc. Got me thinking (a dangerous past time I know). If we are all so friggen great, then what is great? I mean if we are all something, doesn't that mitigate that thing? The reason we have the darkness is so that we can appreciate the light. With pain comes a greater appreciation of the joys of life. etc.
I've said it before, I do think I am pretty wonderful. I am as my God created me, for what purpose I have no idea, but I do not need to know. But I do suffer from the fact that I believe I am not wonderful by "societal standards" yes, those are fluid, and honestly not something anyone should even begin to measure themselves by, but yet we all do. Why? because we are social beings. We were meant to interact with one another and feel that interaction. To get some sort of satisfaction from it. To help one another, to be there for one another, etc. (blah blah blah)
So if you don't feel accepted by society, where does that leave you?
I'd love to say I have a few close friends so it really doesn't matter, but over time I've lost touch with those friends. time, space, or something I've said, I have no idea. But I'm pretty much alone in this world (with the exception of the guy I married)
I work and I am (mostly) productive at work. My boss adores me - or at least that is what she says every time I ask. I foster kitties. I make a difference in their lives, making good social loving kitties, which makes a difference in the lives of the homes they go to live in. But yet I still feel lost and adrift in this world. Unwanted, unneeded.. useless.
That beautiful nicknack you bought and put on your shelf. Why you have no idea other than you liked it. If it were gone, you'd be sorry for a bit, but you'd get over it.
arrgh. I should NOT read books on self esteem..
Well this weekend I powered through and got caught up on my exercise. I was 120 minutes past due, so I just did them. I was feeling so strong and powerful.
So what do I do, I start reading a book on self esteem, and how you can do anything and be anything "despite being a girl". (I've always hated that, but that is not really the point)
this book, written to half the human race, is about how wonderful you are, and how great you are, etc. Got me thinking (a dangerous past time I know). If we are all so friggen great, then what is great? I mean if we are all something, doesn't that mitigate that thing? The reason we have the darkness is so that we can appreciate the light. With pain comes a greater appreciation of the joys of life. etc.
I've said it before, I do think I am pretty wonderful. I am as my God created me, for what purpose I have no idea, but I do not need to know. But I do suffer from the fact that I believe I am not wonderful by "societal standards" yes, those are fluid, and honestly not something anyone should even begin to measure themselves by, but yet we all do. Why? because we are social beings. We were meant to interact with one another and feel that interaction. To get some sort of satisfaction from it. To help one another, to be there for one another, etc. (blah blah blah)
So if you don't feel accepted by society, where does that leave you?
I'd love to say I have a few close friends so it really doesn't matter, but over time I've lost touch with those friends. time, space, or something I've said, I have no idea. But I'm pretty much alone in this world (with the exception of the guy I married)
I work and I am (mostly) productive at work. My boss adores me - or at least that is what she says every time I ask. I foster kitties. I make a difference in their lives, making good social loving kitties, which makes a difference in the lives of the homes they go to live in. But yet I still feel lost and adrift in this world. Unwanted, unneeded.. useless.
That beautiful nicknack you bought and put on your shelf. Why you have no idea other than you liked it. If it were gone, you'd be sorry for a bit, but you'd get over it.
arrgh. I should NOT read books on self esteem..
4.11.2009
hit by a deer
well now this was an interesting evening. We were driving home from grocery shopping and out popped in front of us a deer. My DH was driving, and usually on back roads he doesn't keep his high beams on so I'm usually harassing him saying a deer could pop out of no where. Well tonight he had them on, and one did pop out of no where. Because his high beams were on, he was able to stop in time and not hit it, but because we slowed down the one that followed the first one ended up running directly into into the side of the truck.
so bizarre to be hit by a deer.
We pulled over to make sure the deer didn't fall over hurt or dead, which it didn't. There was some fur in the road, and there was a crack in the paint with some fur stuck in that. But no blood, no deer.. so we went on our way.
DH was paranoid the rest of the drive home. I asked what were the chances of us getting hit by two deer.. which led to the joke of what would the chances have been that Matt Lauer would have been hit by a moose.
so bizarre to be hit by a deer.
We pulled over to make sure the deer didn't fall over hurt or dead, which it didn't. There was some fur in the road, and there was a crack in the paint with some fur stuck in that. But no blood, no deer.. so we went on our way.
DH was paranoid the rest of the drive home. I asked what were the chances of us getting hit by two deer.. which led to the joke of what would the chances have been that Matt Lauer would have been hit by a moose.
4.09.2009
199
I am getting really sick and tired of my weight creaping back up. I'm getting really sick and tired of my weight not coming back down.
I'm exercising, I'm eating right I just don't get it.
I'm exercising, I'm eating right I just don't get it.
3 Dreams
Sadly at this point I don't remember the first one. I do remember it shocked me because my mother was in it and she was helping me.
the second one was I was helping someone fighting Dr. A. (a former boss who is psychopathic) He treated this employee badly and I was helping to defend her. He tried to impeach my charater, but I was able to stand up for him and prove him wrong and throw out a few impeachments of my own that really shook him.
the third dream was about a car on a flooded road. There was a young child in the car who was trying to get out. The child was in peril, so I went to help. at one point we were in front of the car near the engine, and then I was able to get the child back into the car through the window. I was holding on wondering how I was able to do that, and a part of a white feather floated down near me.
Interesting now that I type them out that I see the theme. Nice that they were all semi positive as well. The screaming at Dr. A wasn't pleasant, but it was nice to be in the right and be able to feel that.
the second one was I was helping someone fighting Dr. A. (a former boss who is psychopathic) He treated this employee badly and I was helping to defend her. He tried to impeach my charater, but I was able to stand up for him and prove him wrong and throw out a few impeachments of my own that really shook him.
the third dream was about a car on a flooded road. There was a young child in the car who was trying to get out. The child was in peril, so I went to help. at one point we were in front of the car near the engine, and then I was able to get the child back into the car through the window. I was holding on wondering how I was able to do that, and a part of a white feather floated down near me.
Interesting now that I type them out that I see the theme. Nice that they were all semi positive as well. The screaming at Dr. A wasn't pleasant, but it was nice to be in the right and be able to feel that.
4.08.2009
Eye Doctor
see more Lol Celebs
Yup, I hate going to the eye doctor, and this is why.
I begged mine not to use those drops, and he didn't once, but said he really wanted to. Next visit we used the "pediatric" drops and my eyes were still dialated for the rest of the entire day and I felt nautious and horrid the whole rest of the day (same for the next year)
i was supposed to go on April 1st to have my exam again, but I was sick, and frankly I didn't want to go. So I didn't. Maybe next year.
However, i still have to get the cats to the vet, and get my self in for my annual, and since I just broke a tooth, the dentist as well.
dreams
I got a phone call last night regarding my sister's student loans. Very bizarre that she would give anyone my phone number, not that I have a problem with that. I mean I never answer my phone anyway. so apparently my subconcious started thinking of her.
my dreams started out with my former best friend and her boyfriend at the time. (she's since married with children) While it was her in my dream, it was also my sister. The BF gave her a disney clock for their anniversery. i knew it was a sham since I was the one that bought the clock, but I didn't want to say anything to ruin her happiness.
After they left, I went into the building we were in front of, and it was the scene of a wedding. The bridesmades were wearing white mermaid type dresses with green leaves starting at the top, and the skirt had roses on it. Overlaying the skirt was a clear material with chat sayings and emoticons on them.
I worked my way through that wedding party, and went to follow someone I knew. They darted between several large pieces of furniture to get to the back of the room. By the time I got there the furniture pieces were next to one another. A book case, a small pantry type storage cabnet, and several other pieces. I thought I could get past the pantry even though it was covered with many different bottles of foods and syrups. I tried to hold on to them as I wiggled past. I upset the pantry, but I was able to keep it upright. I went to put the bottles back on the top, and they wouldn't stand upright. a woman eating pancakes at the table behind the pantry realized the table had become separated and she helped me put the table back together, and now the bottles stood upright.
So I got past, and was now in another wedding party. This one I was apparently in, because there were dresses that were being put on, and hair that needed to be done. I now had a puffy dress on, and my hair was half done. Normally I have long straight hair, but now half of my hair was gathered up and bent up and a bow was holding my ends up. (kind of like a half bow) I was working on the other half, but wasn't sure I got it to match, so I worked my way over to a mirror. It was dark, but I realized I did get my side right, but I wanted to make sure they were even. turned out that the other side now had very tight ringlet curls. It looked beautiful, but I had no idea how I was going to get them to match.
then some how I ended up in a home that had a basement with out an easy access port. I was talking with a friend about the home and the basement and showed the small narrow opening that was simply a hole in the floor and described how I had to climb in and out, and then started wondering if I put a few bars on the wall if it would work to help. at that point another friend (or my husband?) came out from an unnoticed door saying the basement was fine.
my dreams started out with my former best friend and her boyfriend at the time. (she's since married with children) While it was her in my dream, it was also my sister. The BF gave her a disney clock for their anniversery. i knew it was a sham since I was the one that bought the clock, but I didn't want to say anything to ruin her happiness.
After they left, I went into the building we were in front of, and it was the scene of a wedding. The bridesmades were wearing white mermaid type dresses with green leaves starting at the top, and the skirt had roses on it. Overlaying the skirt was a clear material with chat sayings and emoticons on them.
I worked my way through that wedding party, and went to follow someone I knew. They darted between several large pieces of furniture to get to the back of the room. By the time I got there the furniture pieces were next to one another. A book case, a small pantry type storage cabnet, and several other pieces. I thought I could get past the pantry even though it was covered with many different bottles of foods and syrups. I tried to hold on to them as I wiggled past. I upset the pantry, but I was able to keep it upright. I went to put the bottles back on the top, and they wouldn't stand upright. a woman eating pancakes at the table behind the pantry realized the table had become separated and she helped me put the table back together, and now the bottles stood upright.
So I got past, and was now in another wedding party. This one I was apparently in, because there were dresses that were being put on, and hair that needed to be done. I now had a puffy dress on, and my hair was half done. Normally I have long straight hair, but now half of my hair was gathered up and bent up and a bow was holding my ends up. (kind of like a half bow) I was working on the other half, but wasn't sure I got it to match, so I worked my way over to a mirror. It was dark, but I realized I did get my side right, but I wanted to make sure they were even. turned out that the other side now had very tight ringlet curls. It looked beautiful, but I had no idea how I was going to get them to match.
then some how I ended up in a home that had a basement with out an easy access port. I was talking with a friend about the home and the basement and showed the small narrow opening that was simply a hole in the floor and described how I had to climb in and out, and then started wondering if I put a few bars on the wall if it would work to help. at that point another friend (or my husband?) came out from an unnoticed door saying the basement was fine.
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