dream

I really need to keep my computer up and running at home. I shut it down to be energy efficient, but then I don't want to turn it on to write down silly trivial dreams I have cause I KNOW I'll remember them..

Ha ha ha.

so I have had a few interesting dreams, but they are gone.

One I do remember has themes from previous dreams. Obviously I'm trying to tell myself something but what I have no idea.

One I was driving along the beach. It was a road that just opened up on to a beach then the ocean. On the white sands were quite a bit of debris. Mostly drift wood trees. Then some how I ended up in a house that had either water pits instead of floors or pits of water in the floor because once again I was dreaming that I was trying to navigate my way through the house with out falling into the water, and once again I couldn't do it. Fortunately someone helped me out. much as what happened last time. at least this time it wasn't mostly frozen.

I drive or walk along that beach a lot. Sometimes there are obstacles between the road and the beach such as bushes or a fence (like there is in real life) sometimes there isn't anything. Sometimes the water is flooding the road. Sometimes there is a pier and I walk out over the water. usually on the pier there are a lot of businesses that are keeping me from seeing the water, but I know where I am.

Quote

It’s such an interesting world. It wouldn’t be half so interesting if we knew all about everything, would it? There’d be no scope for imagination then…

―Lucy Maud Montgomery

This really spoke to me. Espeically since my brain is still trying to wrap itself around the self esteem issues from the last post. It keeps telling me that a great way to show us how being different is great is to buy a room full of toys for kids to play with, but to buy all the exact same toy. It would be a great visual and hands on example of why different is good.

Speaking of differences, I watched "Better off Ted" last night. Not quite sure what I think of this show, but it hasn't turned me off enough to stop watching yet. But in last nights episode, the main charater's daughter was in a competition to sell the most wrapping paper. The winner got a trip to Disney. Her main competition was a girl in a wheel chair. Interesting (and very not politally correct) discussions ensued of why they should beat her and win. The idea that disabled people want to be treated exactly the same as other people, and if she wasn't in a wheel chair there would be no mercy given, so no mercy should be given. Well the school kids shunned the competitive girl because she was beating the girl in the wheel chair, so the father backed off from his selling.. (well that's not true, he just sold a huge amount in her name.. which was a neat twist)

Not quite sure where I was going with that, but the show made me think. And I love things that make me think.

well fiddlesticks!!

The other day my wisdom tooth broke. Doesn't hurt, but I am aware it is there, much like you are aware when you hold someone's hand etc. Not painful..

So I have major dental anxiety. I hate novicane. I'm not a fan of pain, and frankly holding my mouth open that long is no fun either.

I love my dentist, but he's an hour away now, and I saw an episode of "the doctors" where they did a bit on laser dentistry, and I wanted to see if that was an option, so I went to a new dentist.

they were nice. Friendly, clean well appointed office (not that my dentist's office isn't that, but it smells like a dental office)

Unfortunatley the dentist said that tooth has to come out :( I don't want to believe it, but since my dentist has been pull happy for years now, I figure it is probably time.

Now the question is, what next? Do I go back to my dentist and see if they can pull the teeth, or if they think an oral surgeon should do it as this guy does. The new guy doesn't bill my insurance, so I have to pay for it all and then get reimbursed. I totally understand why, but I don't much like that option either, cause then I have wait to be paid and it isn't like insurance companies are speedy. and the other question is will my insurance pay for all of it through the new guys or do I have to go to my old dentist to have it paid for? Cause fixing my teeth sans the removals is over $700.

I guess I need to talk to my insurance company.

feeling useless again

Well this bites. I was sick, so I was feeling pretty miserable. Then I started to feel better, and my mood improved despite still producing tons of mucus both in my sinuses and in my chest. (I hate it when I can't breathe)

Well this weekend I powered through and got caught up on my exercise. I was 120 minutes past due, so I just did them. I was feeling so strong and powerful.

So what do I do, I start reading a book on self esteem, and how you can do anything and be anything "despite being a girl". (I've always hated that, but that is not really the point)

this book, written to half the human race, is about how wonderful you are, and how great you are, etc. Got me thinking (a dangerous past time I know). If we are all so friggen great, then what is great? I mean if we are all something, doesn't that mitigate that thing? The reason we have the darkness is so that we can appreciate the light. With pain comes a greater appreciation of the joys of life. etc.

I've said it before, I do think I am pretty wonderful. I am as my God created me, for what purpose I have no idea, but I do not need to know. But I do suffer from the fact that I believe I am not wonderful by "societal standards" yes, those are fluid, and honestly not something anyone should even begin to measure themselves by, but yet we all do. Why? because we are social beings. We were meant to interact with one another and feel that interaction. To get some sort of satisfaction from it. To help one another, to be there for one another, etc. (blah blah blah)

So if you don't feel accepted by society, where does that leave you?

I'd love to say I have a few close friends so it really doesn't matter, but over time I've lost touch with those friends. time, space, or something I've said, I have no idea. But I'm pretty much alone in this world (with the exception of the guy I married)

I work and I am (mostly) productive at work. My boss adores me - or at least that is what she says every time I ask. I foster kitties. I make a difference in their lives, making good social loving kitties, which makes a difference in the lives of the homes they go to live in. But yet I still feel lost and adrift in this world. Unwanted, unneeded.. useless.

That beautiful nicknack you bought and put on your shelf. Why you have no idea other than you liked it. If it were gone, you'd be sorry for a bit, but you'd get over it.

arrgh. I should NOT read books on self esteem..