I am *trying* to listen to my body and give it what it needs. The new trend (it cycles on and off) in weight loss is to 'stop dieting and only feed your body what it needs'. So if you want chocolate cake, eat chocolate cake... just be aware of portions etc.
ugh. Give me a break. but I'm trying to listen to my body to tell me when it is actually hungry and when I'm just bored hungry. The cry sounds exactly the same to me, but maybe it is and I just can't tell.
Take today. I woke up so hungry I hurt. I had some freshly made sugar free pudding, and some sugar free apple sauce. I thought I would hold off on my normal breakfast smoothie, but by the time I was done getting ready I was HUNGRY again, so I made it and drank it on my way to work (normal)
So then I usually have a small mid morning snack of some sort of high protein breafasty item around 10am. a granola bar, oatmeal, etc. well this morning at 9:30 my stomach was screaming for food.. so I fed it again.
Nothing seems to be making a difference.
So I gave up and ate my salad at 11:30 (which I usually eat at noon or later) and now at 12:30 my body (or is it my mind imitating my body) is screaming for more food. I am thinking it is my mind, since the HUGE salad I had, with chicken and olives for fat and protein to round out the nutriants normall fills me up for a couple of hours at the earliest.
although part of me thinks it is my body, cause I'd chew on a carrot if there were one here. Usually if it is my mind complaining, all I want is refined food.
I am also thinking my body is FINALLY starting to release the bloating from the surgery from last week. The scale gave me an interesting number this morning - way too freakin early which means my normal morning weight is usually lower. but yet my tongue and my fingers and toes still feel all puffy. I'm also quite tired and achy, and my face hurts.. DH wants to do some household errands this weekend, maybe I can get in a good nap. my sleeping has been pretty horrible lately. I have been getting my 8 hours, but it is broken up in to 1 or 2 hour segments.. that can't be good for me.
5.22.2009
5.21.2009
btw
This blog is very much disconnected from who I am. I don't believe there is anyway to track it back to me. I like it that way. These are my ramblings of random thoughts in my head that I don't really feel comfortable sharing with people who know me.
if perchance my canceled outing last night had anything to do with what might or might not be posted here, then you are a stalker and you need to own that.
I'm sorry if my fear of life in general hurt you. It was not my intent of the post, but simply my way of getting the mental diarrhea out of my head from effecting my real life. Sometimes we all think things we would NEVER say to people. Sometimes we obsess about things to the point of not being able to concentrate on other things. (we? who am I kidding about generalizing. I do that)
I am proud of my friend, and the choices he made in his life. I am sorry that things didn't work out in his marriage, and I'm hopeful for his future.
If you are reading this, you can admit it, or not. I don't care. (ok I do care.. as I said this stuff isn't fit for human consumption) But an email letting me know you got held up last night would be nice. reschedual or not, that is up to you.
if perchance my canceled outing last night had anything to do with what might or might not be posted here, then you are a stalker and you need to own that.
I'm sorry if my fear of life in general hurt you. It was not my intent of the post, but simply my way of getting the mental diarrhea out of my head from effecting my real life. Sometimes we all think things we would NEVER say to people. Sometimes we obsess about things to the point of not being able to concentrate on other things. (we? who am I kidding about generalizing. I do that)
I am proud of my friend, and the choices he made in his life. I am sorry that things didn't work out in his marriage, and I'm hopeful for his future.
If you are reading this, you can admit it, or not. I don't care. (ok I do care.. as I said this stuff isn't fit for human consumption) But an email letting me know you got held up last night would be nice. reschedual or not, that is up to you.
yea, well, ok then
So yesterday I was obsessing about meeting up with an old friend. Well said old friend stood me up. *sigh* no call, no email. Not horribly shocked.
Of course this morning my twisted little brain started singing to me "no body likes me every body hates me, I'm gonna go eat worms"
then the other part of my brains (who was making breakfast for me) said mmm.. worms.. bet they are full of protein. Yea, I don't much like that side of my brain.. it's weird. Even for me
no, I'm not a multiple personality person.. I just have a really weird brain. Maybe we all do and no one else is willing to admit that conversations run in their head all day long..
on a side note, my boss just got her hair cut. Looks great. Makes me want to cut mine off too. It is very annoying that EVERY time I think I'm ready to get my hair cut off it starts looking really good.
Of course this morning my twisted little brain started singing to me "no body likes me every body hates me, I'm gonna go eat worms"
then the other part of my brains (who was making breakfast for me) said mmm.. worms.. bet they are full of protein. Yea, I don't much like that side of my brain.. it's weird. Even for me
no, I'm not a multiple personality person.. I just have a really weird brain. Maybe we all do and no one else is willing to admit that conversations run in their head all day long..
on a side note, my boss just got her hair cut. Looks great. Makes me want to cut mine off too. It is very annoying that EVERY time I think I'm ready to get my hair cut off it starts looking really good.
5.20.2009
ow ow ow ow ow
I'm trying to wean myself off of the narcotics I got for my surgery. I really like them, which I hear can be a problem. SO I stopped taking them during the day after two days, then last night I tried to go the night with out it. I was in pain, so I got some ibuprofin and took those instead. Well my ibuprofin was coming to work with me to help me deal with the pain here (since I didn't want to take narcotics and drive)
so guess what. I forgot to repack them this morning so now I'm pain medication free, and I am in a freaking lot of pain!! fortunately I only have two hours left of work, and my bosses are all in an uninteruptable meeting for the next hour anyway. But that means I'm probably going to ignore the work that I have in front of me because I need to concentrate on it. So it will sit here and mock me
Of course my pain is mocking back, and I have this really freaky weird two yr old like battle going on in my head. Wonder if this is a side effect of getting off narcotics..
so guess what. I forgot to repack them this morning so now I'm pain medication free, and I am in a freaking lot of pain!! fortunately I only have two hours left of work, and my bosses are all in an uninteruptable meeting for the next hour anyway. But that means I'm probably going to ignore the work that I have in front of me because I need to concentrate on it. So it will sit here and mock me
Of course my pain is mocking back, and I have this really freaky weird two yr old like battle going on in my head. Wonder if this is a side effect of getting off narcotics..
Fear
right now I almost feel paralized by fear. I am not going to let it, but MAN I really REALLY want to. I want to go home, go to bed and hide under the covers until Law & Order stops playing on TV.
Oddly, I am fully aware that my fear is irrational. I am also almost completely aware that my fear IS holding me back from things I fear I am being held back from. Yes, I'm full of logic - which is why this blog is called what it is called :)
A friend from my past is back in my life. I'm thrilled because I'm so sick and tired of not having friends any more. This friend is male (and yes, I'm female and yes, I'm heterosexual) and is separating from his wife who never liked me (despite the fact I was married when she found out about me, despite the fact that we NEVER dated {although he did have a crush on me when we first met} and despite the fact she never even met me) He ended up marrying her post baby. I don't know, but I have always believed he married her out of a sense of obligation more than anything else. I suggested as much to him prior to his getting married, and asked him to think about it, but I supported his decision 100% (ok after I made the suggestion)
so anyway. I'm scared to death that this friendship isn't going to last. He's in the area for now, but he is going to need to find a job and this area really doesn't support what he is trained in. He's also starting up a relationship with a woman from his past in another state. I shouldn't care. I should just be thrilled that he's around now. But seeing as my history is that everyone leaves, I'm scared to face that. So part of me doesn't even want to get together because I'm pretty sure I know how it is going to end. Sick isn't it? If I never did anything because I know how it would end, I'd never own a pet, I'd never meet another human being, and I certainly wouldn't have taken the huge leap of getting married!! (not that it is bad now or ever.. just that with my history of people leaving me I would have assumed it wouldn't have worked prior to finding it)
I'm hoping that just voicing these fears will show them the light of day and they'll go away. Not working quite yet, but I think I'm still shadowing them with ... well something.
I am also scared to death of my teeth. I HATE mint products, and consequently every tooth paste and every mouth wash out there. In the past I've been lucky if I have brushed my teeth five times in a week. yes yes,, gross. But you have no idea my passionate hate of mint products. I've lost my two upper wisdom teeth to decay. I lost another tooth to decay. I have huge cavities in all of my molars. Even some of my front teeth have some decay in them. I'm fortunate that it doesn't look like i have bad teeth, but man I do. To top it all off, I have obnoxiously soft teeth anyway. So now my dental insurance is going away. Brilliant hun? I have at least two cavities that need to be taken care of, and I have a hugely sensitive area in another, so I believe I have three. And lets not forget I just had my lower wisdom teeth removed (due to decay in one of them) so I'm in pain. So now before the end of the month I need to get in as much dental work as possible. I just wish beyond hoping there was some way to do this with out novicane. I HATE novicane. I've finally started buckling down and brushing my teeth. I've finally started an AM/PM routine (oddly enough because my skin is starting to show signs of aging) and I'm forcing myself to do it. I can't tell you how much using mouthwash stings and hurts.. and it doesn't stop after I spit it out either. my mouth aches for a good half hour afterwards.
I also fear I'm never going to lose this weight. I have NO Idea why it is still on me. Even accounting for the food I am eating, I should very much be in weight loss mode, not weight gaining mode. At the moment I'm sorta ok with what my body is doing, because it is still recovering from surgery. Oddly enough I'm retaining more than just water. I'm swollen, bloated and my mouth hurts. if my body wants a cookie to get some endorphins, then it shall have said cookie. Despite not really caring what I eat, I'm still only eating around 1700 calories.(ok 1700+) and yet I'm burning 1900 on days I do nothing but exist, and 2200+ on days I exercise. I exercise regularly (except since the surgery) this is really getting on my nerves.. *sigh*
what is also getting on my nerves are the night sweats (I'm 37) I woke up this morning shivering. I turned on my electric blanket and I very quickly became unbearably uncomfortable, so I turned it off and started shivering again. I have a dr.s appointment at the end of the week. Not that she'll care much. she's not that proactive of a dr. When I was having my extreme fatigue, she really didn't have any answers for me what so ever. I had my vit d levels tested, and I was just barely above the lower limit, and she said I was fine. I think I'm going to have to change doctors. I think I'll give this one through the next few months and see what happens. I'm having my hormones checked prior to my next depo injection. If something pops and is fixable, then I'll deal, if not, I'll try to find someone else who can deal with my weight/night sweats/fatigue.
ok, I'm a little less fearful. I guess I'd be happy if I could just stop obsessing about it all.
Oddly, I am fully aware that my fear is irrational. I am also almost completely aware that my fear IS holding me back from things I fear I am being held back from. Yes, I'm full of logic - which is why this blog is called what it is called :)
A friend from my past is back in my life. I'm thrilled because I'm so sick and tired of not having friends any more. This friend is male (and yes, I'm female and yes, I'm heterosexual) and is separating from his wife who never liked me (despite the fact I was married when she found out about me, despite the fact that we NEVER dated {although he did have a crush on me when we first met} and despite the fact she never even met me) He ended up marrying her post baby. I don't know, but I have always believed he married her out of a sense of obligation more than anything else. I suggested as much to him prior to his getting married, and asked him to think about it, but I supported his decision 100% (ok after I made the suggestion)
so anyway. I'm scared to death that this friendship isn't going to last. He's in the area for now, but he is going to need to find a job and this area really doesn't support what he is trained in. He's also starting up a relationship with a woman from his past in another state. I shouldn't care. I should just be thrilled that he's around now. But seeing as my history is that everyone leaves, I'm scared to face that. So part of me doesn't even want to get together because I'm pretty sure I know how it is going to end. Sick isn't it? If I never did anything because I know how it would end, I'd never own a pet, I'd never meet another human being, and I certainly wouldn't have taken the huge leap of getting married!! (not that it is bad now or ever.. just that with my history of people leaving me I would have assumed it wouldn't have worked prior to finding it)
I'm hoping that just voicing these fears will show them the light of day and they'll go away. Not working quite yet, but I think I'm still shadowing them with ... well something.
I am also scared to death of my teeth. I HATE mint products, and consequently every tooth paste and every mouth wash out there. In the past I've been lucky if I have brushed my teeth five times in a week. yes yes,, gross. But you have no idea my passionate hate of mint products. I've lost my two upper wisdom teeth to decay. I lost another tooth to decay. I have huge cavities in all of my molars. Even some of my front teeth have some decay in them. I'm fortunate that it doesn't look like i have bad teeth, but man I do. To top it all off, I have obnoxiously soft teeth anyway. So now my dental insurance is going away. Brilliant hun? I have at least two cavities that need to be taken care of, and I have a hugely sensitive area in another, so I believe I have three. And lets not forget I just had my lower wisdom teeth removed (due to decay in one of them) so I'm in pain. So now before the end of the month I need to get in as much dental work as possible. I just wish beyond hoping there was some way to do this with out novicane. I HATE novicane. I've finally started buckling down and brushing my teeth. I've finally started an AM/PM routine (oddly enough because my skin is starting to show signs of aging) and I'm forcing myself to do it. I can't tell you how much using mouthwash stings and hurts.. and it doesn't stop after I spit it out either. my mouth aches for a good half hour afterwards.
I also fear I'm never going to lose this weight. I have NO Idea why it is still on me. Even accounting for the food I am eating, I should very much be in weight loss mode, not weight gaining mode. At the moment I'm sorta ok with what my body is doing, because it is still recovering from surgery. Oddly enough I'm retaining more than just water. I'm swollen, bloated and my mouth hurts. if my body wants a cookie to get some endorphins, then it shall have said cookie. Despite not really caring what I eat, I'm still only eating around 1700 calories.(ok 1700+) and yet I'm burning 1900 on days I do nothing but exist, and 2200+ on days I exercise. I exercise regularly (except since the surgery) this is really getting on my nerves.. *sigh*
what is also getting on my nerves are the night sweats (I'm 37) I woke up this morning shivering. I turned on my electric blanket and I very quickly became unbearably uncomfortable, so I turned it off and started shivering again. I have a dr.s appointment at the end of the week. Not that she'll care much. she's not that proactive of a dr. When I was having my extreme fatigue, she really didn't have any answers for me what so ever. I had my vit d levels tested, and I was just barely above the lower limit, and she said I was fine. I think I'm going to have to change doctors. I think I'll give this one through the next few months and see what happens. I'm having my hormones checked prior to my next depo injection. If something pops and is fixable, then I'll deal, if not, I'll try to find someone else who can deal with my weight/night sweats/fatigue.
ok, I'm a little less fearful. I guess I'd be happy if I could just stop obsessing about it all.
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