I am so at the end of my emotional rope. I am so sick and tired of feeling so useless and unnecessary in my own life. I can't help but continually wonder what the point is.
And yes, it probably has a lot to do with the fact that my friend stood me up once again (he did this in the past, and subsequently dropped out of my life for a while.. so I can't say that he stood me up because of this blog or not.) but simply because it is a factor doesn't make it an important one. Just as a drop of rain doesn't make you wet.
I am sick and tired of feeling the need to censor myself. The reason I started this blog is because I quite often found that what I felt or wanted to say was not very acceptable in this world. I created this blog to let those feelings out. I decided to use the blog format because I figured there had to be others out there who felt like I did who would appreciate reading someone else's words, just as I much have on many occasions finding others. I created this blog as an annonomous blog so that I would still be censoring myself and still attempting to fit into my life.
But I don't do I?
How can I when I want to constantly quit and give up.
Although I still don't quite know what quitting means. Yes, sometimes it means taking my own life and ending all of my pain. But I won't, because I know that by giving up the pain I give up the joy as well.
I was thinking about this last night. I couldn't sleep as there were no noises outside. I live in an area with a pond with lots of frogs and birds. We've been here a couple of years, and each year save this one the frogs got louder and louder. This year the frogs seem to have disappeared. There were a few peepers, and one bull frog who has very little to say. I had a small panic attack last night at the complete silence, wondering if someone was wandering around the house, so I got up and went into the other room to try to relax. Thinking about my life, I once again thought about giving up, but thought the thought that the pain is usually temporary (even if it is frequent) and the joy would come. At that moment the frog decided to start singing...
so, if suiside is out, then what does giving up mean? It isn't much like I can stop being who I am. I've tried that before. it wasn't pretty.
so, do I stop censoring myself? that doesn't seem to be an option either.
*sigh*
then I'm right back to where I was before I thought about giving up.
But usually at this point I've got a cat or two snuggled up to me.
How worthless can I be when I've earned the love of a cat (or two, or four) So even if this is my point in life, this tiny little point in a vast ocean of life... I will hold on to that. Pathetic hun?
5.31.2009
5.28.2009
blah blah blah
I am friggen miserable. My face still hurts from the wisdom teeth removal, then I went and had another cavity filled with the new laser - didn't much like that either, and now I have an attack of the allergies.. Can't breath, can't swallow, and my nose will not stop running drips right down on to my face with out any input from me. Frikken annoying!
Still no contact from said friend below. Not sure if I should be scared or annoyed. I suppose I could call him, but that would involve two things I hate.. calling people and confrontation.. nope.. I think I'll just sit here and wallow in my patheticness. Nobody likes me.. waaah!
had a really weird dream last night. I know it was much more involved than I remember (don't I always seem to be saying that) but I do remember there was stuff before the stuff I remember, I just don't remember what that is... anyway.. I was in a clothing / megamart type store. I was looking at clothing when I was distracted by the need to go see a manager for one reason or another, so I went to the front of the store, and it turned into a huge field. The person I needed to talk to was a wait, and was halfway up a mountain. I walked past the field where people were dancing (doing some sort of customer service dance??) and past a large pond, and started up the mountain. I interrupted the person and said I had a serious problem. I was being stalked and harassed. the person wanted proof, so I said follow me, and walked back into the store, explaining what ever it was that came before, but I don't remember it to type it out. I went to the book/card section, and there was a greeting card about declawing your cats, and inside there was a threat to me. That I picked it up was quite random, and I showed it to the person, who then started taking me seriously. which of course was just totally outside the believability factor ;) so I woke up.
I am doing the most menial thing at work. Usually takes me three days to get through it, but because of all the sludge I'm getting through right now this thing has taken me almost two weeks. Fortunately my boss is understanding. But this is two weeks of basic hell for me. My mind wanders as I'm trying to enter things in the computer. (and annoyingly the computer does NOT go as fast as I do, so I have to slow down, which makes my mind wander even more) I spent two or three days crafting a post about self esteem and self worth. - which obviously you don't see here because I've been so busy with this project. Then I spent a couple of days at the local amusement park I used to work at. Sometimes I was alone. Sometimes I was with my aforementioned friend. Sometimes I was with other people I knew there - some I was crushing on, some who were crushing on me - being single at the time.. ) I am NOT a huge fan of this amusement park.. haven't been since before I stopped working there, so spending time there in my mind was friggen annoying. I wanted to spend time on a warm beach - but seeing as my office is very cold, and even I don't have that much imagination, I was stuck at the amusement park.
looks like I might have an hours worth of work left.. I should probably get on it. My boss said I can leave early - which I threatened to do when I finished this. She even offered to send me home before I finished it, but I really want this off my desk!!
Still no contact from said friend below. Not sure if I should be scared or annoyed. I suppose I could call him, but that would involve two things I hate.. calling people and confrontation.. nope.. I think I'll just sit here and wallow in my patheticness. Nobody likes me.. waaah!
had a really weird dream last night. I know it was much more involved than I remember (don't I always seem to be saying that) but I do remember there was stuff before the stuff I remember, I just don't remember what that is... anyway.. I was in a clothing / megamart type store. I was looking at clothing when I was distracted by the need to go see a manager for one reason or another, so I went to the front of the store, and it turned into a huge field. The person I needed to talk to was a wait, and was halfway up a mountain. I walked past the field where people were dancing (doing some sort of customer service dance??) and past a large pond, and started up the mountain. I interrupted the person and said I had a serious problem. I was being stalked and harassed. the person wanted proof, so I said follow me, and walked back into the store, explaining what ever it was that came before, but I don't remember it to type it out. I went to the book/card section, and there was a greeting card about declawing your cats, and inside there was a threat to me. That I picked it up was quite random, and I showed it to the person, who then started taking me seriously. which of course was just totally outside the believability factor ;) so I woke up.
I am doing the most menial thing at work. Usually takes me three days to get through it, but because of all the sludge I'm getting through right now this thing has taken me almost two weeks. Fortunately my boss is understanding. But this is two weeks of basic hell for me. My mind wanders as I'm trying to enter things in the computer. (and annoyingly the computer does NOT go as fast as I do, so I have to slow down, which makes my mind wander even more) I spent two or three days crafting a post about self esteem and self worth. - which obviously you don't see here because I've been so busy with this project. Then I spent a couple of days at the local amusement park I used to work at. Sometimes I was alone. Sometimes I was with my aforementioned friend. Sometimes I was with other people I knew there - some I was crushing on, some who were crushing on me - being single at the time.. ) I am NOT a huge fan of this amusement park.. haven't been since before I stopped working there, so spending time there in my mind was friggen annoying. I wanted to spend time on a warm beach - but seeing as my office is very cold, and even I don't have that much imagination, I was stuck at the amusement park.
looks like I might have an hours worth of work left.. I should probably get on it. My boss said I can leave early - which I threatened to do when I finished this. She even offered to send me home before I finished it, but I really want this off my desk!!
5.22.2009
I am obnoxiously hungry today
I am *trying* to listen to my body and give it what it needs. The new trend (it cycles on and off) in weight loss is to 'stop dieting and only feed your body what it needs'. So if you want chocolate cake, eat chocolate cake... just be aware of portions etc.
ugh. Give me a break. but I'm trying to listen to my body to tell me when it is actually hungry and when I'm just bored hungry. The cry sounds exactly the same to me, but maybe it is and I just can't tell.
Take today. I woke up so hungry I hurt. I had some freshly made sugar free pudding, and some sugar free apple sauce. I thought I would hold off on my normal breakfast smoothie, but by the time I was done getting ready I was HUNGRY again, so I made it and drank it on my way to work (normal)
So then I usually have a small mid morning snack of some sort of high protein breafasty item around 10am. a granola bar, oatmeal, etc. well this morning at 9:30 my stomach was screaming for food.. so I fed it again.
Nothing seems to be making a difference.
So I gave up and ate my salad at 11:30 (which I usually eat at noon or later) and now at 12:30 my body (or is it my mind imitating my body) is screaming for more food. I am thinking it is my mind, since the HUGE salad I had, with chicken and olives for fat and protein to round out the nutriants normall fills me up for a couple of hours at the earliest.
although part of me thinks it is my body, cause I'd chew on a carrot if there were one here. Usually if it is my mind complaining, all I want is refined food.
I am also thinking my body is FINALLY starting to release the bloating from the surgery from last week. The scale gave me an interesting number this morning - way too freakin early which means my normal morning weight is usually lower. but yet my tongue and my fingers and toes still feel all puffy. I'm also quite tired and achy, and my face hurts.. DH wants to do some household errands this weekend, maybe I can get in a good nap. my sleeping has been pretty horrible lately. I have been getting my 8 hours, but it is broken up in to 1 or 2 hour segments.. that can't be good for me.
ugh. Give me a break. but I'm trying to listen to my body to tell me when it is actually hungry and when I'm just bored hungry. The cry sounds exactly the same to me, but maybe it is and I just can't tell.
Take today. I woke up so hungry I hurt. I had some freshly made sugar free pudding, and some sugar free apple sauce. I thought I would hold off on my normal breakfast smoothie, but by the time I was done getting ready I was HUNGRY again, so I made it and drank it on my way to work (normal)
So then I usually have a small mid morning snack of some sort of high protein breafasty item around 10am. a granola bar, oatmeal, etc. well this morning at 9:30 my stomach was screaming for food.. so I fed it again.
Nothing seems to be making a difference.
So I gave up and ate my salad at 11:30 (which I usually eat at noon or later) and now at 12:30 my body (or is it my mind imitating my body) is screaming for more food. I am thinking it is my mind, since the HUGE salad I had, with chicken and olives for fat and protein to round out the nutriants normall fills me up for a couple of hours at the earliest.
although part of me thinks it is my body, cause I'd chew on a carrot if there were one here. Usually if it is my mind complaining, all I want is refined food.
I am also thinking my body is FINALLY starting to release the bloating from the surgery from last week. The scale gave me an interesting number this morning - way too freakin early which means my normal morning weight is usually lower. but yet my tongue and my fingers and toes still feel all puffy. I'm also quite tired and achy, and my face hurts.. DH wants to do some household errands this weekend, maybe I can get in a good nap. my sleeping has been pretty horrible lately. I have been getting my 8 hours, but it is broken up in to 1 or 2 hour segments.. that can't be good for me.
5.21.2009
btw
This blog is very much disconnected from who I am. I don't believe there is anyway to track it back to me. I like it that way. These are my ramblings of random thoughts in my head that I don't really feel comfortable sharing with people who know me.
if perchance my canceled outing last night had anything to do with what might or might not be posted here, then you are a stalker and you need to own that.
I'm sorry if my fear of life in general hurt you. It was not my intent of the post, but simply my way of getting the mental diarrhea out of my head from effecting my real life. Sometimes we all think things we would NEVER say to people. Sometimes we obsess about things to the point of not being able to concentrate on other things. (we? who am I kidding about generalizing. I do that)
I am proud of my friend, and the choices he made in his life. I am sorry that things didn't work out in his marriage, and I'm hopeful for his future.
If you are reading this, you can admit it, or not. I don't care. (ok I do care.. as I said this stuff isn't fit for human consumption) But an email letting me know you got held up last night would be nice. reschedual or not, that is up to you.
if perchance my canceled outing last night had anything to do with what might or might not be posted here, then you are a stalker and you need to own that.
I'm sorry if my fear of life in general hurt you. It was not my intent of the post, but simply my way of getting the mental diarrhea out of my head from effecting my real life. Sometimes we all think things we would NEVER say to people. Sometimes we obsess about things to the point of not being able to concentrate on other things. (we? who am I kidding about generalizing. I do that)
I am proud of my friend, and the choices he made in his life. I am sorry that things didn't work out in his marriage, and I'm hopeful for his future.
If you are reading this, you can admit it, or not. I don't care. (ok I do care.. as I said this stuff isn't fit for human consumption) But an email letting me know you got held up last night would be nice. reschedual or not, that is up to you.
yea, well, ok then
So yesterday I was obsessing about meeting up with an old friend. Well said old friend stood me up. *sigh* no call, no email. Not horribly shocked.
Of course this morning my twisted little brain started singing to me "no body likes me every body hates me, I'm gonna go eat worms"
then the other part of my brains (who was making breakfast for me) said mmm.. worms.. bet they are full of protein. Yea, I don't much like that side of my brain.. it's weird. Even for me
no, I'm not a multiple personality person.. I just have a really weird brain. Maybe we all do and no one else is willing to admit that conversations run in their head all day long..
on a side note, my boss just got her hair cut. Looks great. Makes me want to cut mine off too. It is very annoying that EVERY time I think I'm ready to get my hair cut off it starts looking really good.
Of course this morning my twisted little brain started singing to me "no body likes me every body hates me, I'm gonna go eat worms"
then the other part of my brains (who was making breakfast for me) said mmm.. worms.. bet they are full of protein. Yea, I don't much like that side of my brain.. it's weird. Even for me
no, I'm not a multiple personality person.. I just have a really weird brain. Maybe we all do and no one else is willing to admit that conversations run in their head all day long..
on a side note, my boss just got her hair cut. Looks great. Makes me want to cut mine off too. It is very annoying that EVERY time I think I'm ready to get my hair cut off it starts looking really good.
5.20.2009
ow ow ow ow ow
I'm trying to wean myself off of the narcotics I got for my surgery. I really like them, which I hear can be a problem. SO I stopped taking them during the day after two days, then last night I tried to go the night with out it. I was in pain, so I got some ibuprofin and took those instead. Well my ibuprofin was coming to work with me to help me deal with the pain here (since I didn't want to take narcotics and drive)
so guess what. I forgot to repack them this morning so now I'm pain medication free, and I am in a freaking lot of pain!! fortunately I only have two hours left of work, and my bosses are all in an uninteruptable meeting for the next hour anyway. But that means I'm probably going to ignore the work that I have in front of me because I need to concentrate on it. So it will sit here and mock me
Of course my pain is mocking back, and I have this really freaky weird two yr old like battle going on in my head. Wonder if this is a side effect of getting off narcotics..
so guess what. I forgot to repack them this morning so now I'm pain medication free, and I am in a freaking lot of pain!! fortunately I only have two hours left of work, and my bosses are all in an uninteruptable meeting for the next hour anyway. But that means I'm probably going to ignore the work that I have in front of me because I need to concentrate on it. So it will sit here and mock me
Of course my pain is mocking back, and I have this really freaky weird two yr old like battle going on in my head. Wonder if this is a side effect of getting off narcotics..
Fear
right now I almost feel paralized by fear. I am not going to let it, but MAN I really REALLY want to. I want to go home, go to bed and hide under the covers until Law & Order stops playing on TV.
Oddly, I am fully aware that my fear is irrational. I am also almost completely aware that my fear IS holding me back from things I fear I am being held back from. Yes, I'm full of logic - which is why this blog is called what it is called :)
A friend from my past is back in my life. I'm thrilled because I'm so sick and tired of not having friends any more. This friend is male (and yes, I'm female and yes, I'm heterosexual) and is separating from his wife who never liked me (despite the fact I was married when she found out about me, despite the fact that we NEVER dated {although he did have a crush on me when we first met} and despite the fact she never even met me) He ended up marrying her post baby. I don't know, but I have always believed he married her out of a sense of obligation more than anything else. I suggested as much to him prior to his getting married, and asked him to think about it, but I supported his decision 100% (ok after I made the suggestion)
so anyway. I'm scared to death that this friendship isn't going to last. He's in the area for now, but he is going to need to find a job and this area really doesn't support what he is trained in. He's also starting up a relationship with a woman from his past in another state. I shouldn't care. I should just be thrilled that he's around now. But seeing as my history is that everyone leaves, I'm scared to face that. So part of me doesn't even want to get together because I'm pretty sure I know how it is going to end. Sick isn't it? If I never did anything because I know how it would end, I'd never own a pet, I'd never meet another human being, and I certainly wouldn't have taken the huge leap of getting married!! (not that it is bad now or ever.. just that with my history of people leaving me I would have assumed it wouldn't have worked prior to finding it)
I'm hoping that just voicing these fears will show them the light of day and they'll go away. Not working quite yet, but I think I'm still shadowing them with ... well something.
I am also scared to death of my teeth. I HATE mint products, and consequently every tooth paste and every mouth wash out there. In the past I've been lucky if I have brushed my teeth five times in a week. yes yes,, gross. But you have no idea my passionate hate of mint products. I've lost my two upper wisdom teeth to decay. I lost another tooth to decay. I have huge cavities in all of my molars. Even some of my front teeth have some decay in them. I'm fortunate that it doesn't look like i have bad teeth, but man I do. To top it all off, I have obnoxiously soft teeth anyway. So now my dental insurance is going away. Brilliant hun? I have at least two cavities that need to be taken care of, and I have a hugely sensitive area in another, so I believe I have three. And lets not forget I just had my lower wisdom teeth removed (due to decay in one of them) so I'm in pain. So now before the end of the month I need to get in as much dental work as possible. I just wish beyond hoping there was some way to do this with out novicane. I HATE novicane. I've finally started buckling down and brushing my teeth. I've finally started an AM/PM routine (oddly enough because my skin is starting to show signs of aging) and I'm forcing myself to do it. I can't tell you how much using mouthwash stings and hurts.. and it doesn't stop after I spit it out either. my mouth aches for a good half hour afterwards.
I also fear I'm never going to lose this weight. I have NO Idea why it is still on me. Even accounting for the food I am eating, I should very much be in weight loss mode, not weight gaining mode. At the moment I'm sorta ok with what my body is doing, because it is still recovering from surgery. Oddly enough I'm retaining more than just water. I'm swollen, bloated and my mouth hurts. if my body wants a cookie to get some endorphins, then it shall have said cookie. Despite not really caring what I eat, I'm still only eating around 1700 calories.(ok 1700+) and yet I'm burning 1900 on days I do nothing but exist, and 2200+ on days I exercise. I exercise regularly (except since the surgery) this is really getting on my nerves.. *sigh*
what is also getting on my nerves are the night sweats (I'm 37) I woke up this morning shivering. I turned on my electric blanket and I very quickly became unbearably uncomfortable, so I turned it off and started shivering again. I have a dr.s appointment at the end of the week. Not that she'll care much. she's not that proactive of a dr. When I was having my extreme fatigue, she really didn't have any answers for me what so ever. I had my vit d levels tested, and I was just barely above the lower limit, and she said I was fine. I think I'm going to have to change doctors. I think I'll give this one through the next few months and see what happens. I'm having my hormones checked prior to my next depo injection. If something pops and is fixable, then I'll deal, if not, I'll try to find someone else who can deal with my weight/night sweats/fatigue.
ok, I'm a little less fearful. I guess I'd be happy if I could just stop obsessing about it all.
Oddly, I am fully aware that my fear is irrational. I am also almost completely aware that my fear IS holding me back from things I fear I am being held back from. Yes, I'm full of logic - which is why this blog is called what it is called :)
A friend from my past is back in my life. I'm thrilled because I'm so sick and tired of not having friends any more. This friend is male (and yes, I'm female and yes, I'm heterosexual) and is separating from his wife who never liked me (despite the fact I was married when she found out about me, despite the fact that we NEVER dated {although he did have a crush on me when we first met} and despite the fact she never even met me) He ended up marrying her post baby. I don't know, but I have always believed he married her out of a sense of obligation more than anything else. I suggested as much to him prior to his getting married, and asked him to think about it, but I supported his decision 100% (ok after I made the suggestion)
so anyway. I'm scared to death that this friendship isn't going to last. He's in the area for now, but he is going to need to find a job and this area really doesn't support what he is trained in. He's also starting up a relationship with a woman from his past in another state. I shouldn't care. I should just be thrilled that he's around now. But seeing as my history is that everyone leaves, I'm scared to face that. So part of me doesn't even want to get together because I'm pretty sure I know how it is going to end. Sick isn't it? If I never did anything because I know how it would end, I'd never own a pet, I'd never meet another human being, and I certainly wouldn't have taken the huge leap of getting married!! (not that it is bad now or ever.. just that with my history of people leaving me I would have assumed it wouldn't have worked prior to finding it)
I'm hoping that just voicing these fears will show them the light of day and they'll go away. Not working quite yet, but I think I'm still shadowing them with ... well something.
I am also scared to death of my teeth. I HATE mint products, and consequently every tooth paste and every mouth wash out there. In the past I've been lucky if I have brushed my teeth five times in a week. yes yes,, gross. But you have no idea my passionate hate of mint products. I've lost my two upper wisdom teeth to decay. I lost another tooth to decay. I have huge cavities in all of my molars. Even some of my front teeth have some decay in them. I'm fortunate that it doesn't look like i have bad teeth, but man I do. To top it all off, I have obnoxiously soft teeth anyway. So now my dental insurance is going away. Brilliant hun? I have at least two cavities that need to be taken care of, and I have a hugely sensitive area in another, so I believe I have three. And lets not forget I just had my lower wisdom teeth removed (due to decay in one of them) so I'm in pain. So now before the end of the month I need to get in as much dental work as possible. I just wish beyond hoping there was some way to do this with out novicane. I HATE novicane. I've finally started buckling down and brushing my teeth. I've finally started an AM/PM routine (oddly enough because my skin is starting to show signs of aging) and I'm forcing myself to do it. I can't tell you how much using mouthwash stings and hurts.. and it doesn't stop after I spit it out either. my mouth aches for a good half hour afterwards.
I also fear I'm never going to lose this weight. I have NO Idea why it is still on me. Even accounting for the food I am eating, I should very much be in weight loss mode, not weight gaining mode. At the moment I'm sorta ok with what my body is doing, because it is still recovering from surgery. Oddly enough I'm retaining more than just water. I'm swollen, bloated and my mouth hurts. if my body wants a cookie to get some endorphins, then it shall have said cookie. Despite not really caring what I eat, I'm still only eating around 1700 calories.(ok 1700+) and yet I'm burning 1900 on days I do nothing but exist, and 2200+ on days I exercise. I exercise regularly (except since the surgery) this is really getting on my nerves.. *sigh*
what is also getting on my nerves are the night sweats (I'm 37) I woke up this morning shivering. I turned on my electric blanket and I very quickly became unbearably uncomfortable, so I turned it off and started shivering again. I have a dr.s appointment at the end of the week. Not that she'll care much. she's not that proactive of a dr. When I was having my extreme fatigue, she really didn't have any answers for me what so ever. I had my vit d levels tested, and I was just barely above the lower limit, and she said I was fine. I think I'm going to have to change doctors. I think I'll give this one through the next few months and see what happens. I'm having my hormones checked prior to my next depo injection. If something pops and is fixable, then I'll deal, if not, I'll try to find someone else who can deal with my weight/night sweats/fatigue.
ok, I'm a little less fearful. I guess I'd be happy if I could just stop obsessing about it all.
5.15.2009
Hi
Ok, so I am not one tenth of one percent. I survived my wisdom teeth extraction.
as miserable as I am at this point, I have to say that it was a lot better than I was expecting. I went in and they hooked me up to a heart monitor, a blood pressure monitor and an pulse ox. I then had about 10 minutes where I got to try to play with my heart rate and blood pressure. I got my heart rate down to 56, but then the dr would open up the door to the room I was in and my heart rate would shoot right up to 70-80ish. yea.. I was a little stressed.
I cried when they injected me. I remember wiping my eyes, but then I was out. I then remember them calling my DH to sit with me. I had a huge taste of blood in my mouth, but not an excess of pain. I felt a lot like I do when I wake up from a heavy night of sleep.
my face is swollen, and I know something happened, but the narcotics they gave me are doing their job. Yesterday was surprisingly easier than today so far has been. I'm tired and achey. I feel like sleeping through the night has gotten me too far behind in the meds. I'm a little dizzy, and my tongue is swelling..
it was fun to look at my gowear fit results for the surgery. I can see the stress before I went in - not excessive, just a little extra burn. No extra calorie burn during the surgery though.
Although I do feel as though I could probably force myself to got to work. Except for the fact that since I'm on narcotics I've been told not to drive. I also haven't pushed myself at all at this point, so who knows what might happen if I try to put clothes on.
It is going to be a nice warm day. I think I'm going to try to get out and enjoy a small part of it.
But first, a nap.
as miserable as I am at this point, I have to say that it was a lot better than I was expecting. I went in and they hooked me up to a heart monitor, a blood pressure monitor and an pulse ox. I then had about 10 minutes where I got to try to play with my heart rate and blood pressure. I got my heart rate down to 56, but then the dr would open up the door to the room I was in and my heart rate would shoot right up to 70-80ish. yea.. I was a little stressed.
I cried when they injected me. I remember wiping my eyes, but then I was out. I then remember them calling my DH to sit with me. I had a huge taste of blood in my mouth, but not an excess of pain. I felt a lot like I do when I wake up from a heavy night of sleep.
my face is swollen, and I know something happened, but the narcotics they gave me are doing their job. Yesterday was surprisingly easier than today so far has been. I'm tired and achey. I feel like sleeping through the night has gotten me too far behind in the meds. I'm a little dizzy, and my tongue is swelling..
it was fun to look at my gowear fit results for the surgery. I can see the stress before I went in - not excessive, just a little extra burn. No extra calorie burn during the surgery though.
Although I do feel as though I could probably force myself to got to work. Except for the fact that since I'm on narcotics I've been told not to drive. I also haven't pushed myself at all at this point, so who knows what might happen if I try to put clothes on.
It is going to be a nice warm day. I think I'm going to try to get out and enjoy a small part of it.
But first, a nap.
5.13.2009
maybe I'll be back...
This is really odd for me. I am going to have my wisdom teeth removed (yes finally) and I'm going to be put to sleep to do it.
Now there is that one tenth of one percent chance that I might die during the proceedure.. with sedation always comes risk. so I'm looking at my life as if I might be leaving it tomorrow. What do I want people to find when they 'clean up' after me? Oh this is good, I'll leave that. No, I don't want them to see my 1000 links on the computer of personal stuff, I'll have to clean that up.. etc.
really is odd what I'm doing. and really odd what I find important to not have people find. I mean I'll be dead, what do I really care?
and yes, I know, one tenth of one percent.. I'll be back.
Now there is that one tenth of one percent chance that I might die during the proceedure.. with sedation always comes risk. so I'm looking at my life as if I might be leaving it tomorrow. What do I want people to find when they 'clean up' after me? Oh this is good, I'll leave that. No, I don't want them to see my 1000 links on the computer of personal stuff, I'll have to clean that up.. etc.
really is odd what I'm doing. and really odd what I find important to not have people find. I mean I'll be dead, what do I really care?
and yes, I know, one tenth of one percent.. I'll be back.
5.01.2009
People really bug me sometimes
Ok, I'm the first to admit, I'm not the most subtle of people at times. I try to be fair, rational and honest. I know I come across as blunt a lot of the time and I know that can come off badly. I do what I can to try to midigate that.
I recently posted a reply to a person who was looking for help with her pet. She said the cat was not feeling well, had a history of cancer, and could not currently afford to take it to the vet.
My reply was that there are a lot of different issues that could be causing this particular problem, and trying to treat it with out knowing could make the situation worse.
I did not berate her for not getting the pet to a vet, nor call her an idiot for having an unaltered pet (even though that is my personal feeling, I know it is her right not to alter her pet and I do respect that choice enough to keep my personal feelings confined to my blog :D) I did however mention that many communities do have laws against not seeking medical treatment for a pet who was clearly suffering.
This issue (and many just like it) pop up all the time on the different pet boards I frequent. I know that others in the future are going to read her question and responses, so my response was not only to her, but to anyone in her situation.
Well apparently she decided to read into it that I was calling her an unfit owner, and basically the humane society should be called on her. *sigh* Nothing like reading into things what you want to read into them.
Honestly, I'm a just the facts kind of person. If I thought she was being cruel enough that the humane society should be called on her then I would have either said it, or refrained from replying (because there are some choices I can't respect)
So the original story was she had this pet since it was three weeks old and it is now almost a teenager. in the reply that i had offended her, it was a pet that was 'dropped off on her property'. Um.. once you feed the pet for more than a week, it is yours!! it's not a stray, it's not an abandoned pet.. it is your own personal pet.
And I honestly do respect that people are in hard times. No matter what the economy, but even more so now ropes are tight. But if you have a pet, you have a financial and moral obligation to the pet to get it medical care!!! if you can't then you need to find a way to get it the medical care that it needs. It is not right for a pet to suffer because you are down on your luck. I would(and have been in this situation - fortunately my pets were basically healthy) beg, borrow, scrounge, work extra jobs, sell stuff I had, anything to get my pets the care they need.
Do I always do everything my vet recommends? no. because often I know that what they are recommending isn't the end all and be all of the situation, but I will trust that they know what the situation is, and once I know what the problem is, I can either accept my vet's recommendation, or go and look for alternatives. If you don't know what the problem is, trying to treat your pet for some mysterious illness is not only bad for the pet, but chances are is going to waste your time and your money - which you have already said is a limited resource.
Measure twice, cut once. Applies to more than building a house.
I recently posted a reply to a person who was looking for help with her pet. She said the cat was not feeling well, had a history of cancer, and could not currently afford to take it to the vet.
My reply was that there are a lot of different issues that could be causing this particular problem, and trying to treat it with out knowing could make the situation worse.
I did not berate her for not getting the pet to a vet, nor call her an idiot for having an unaltered pet (even though that is my personal feeling, I know it is her right not to alter her pet and I do respect that choice enough to keep my personal feelings confined to my blog :D) I did however mention that many communities do have laws against not seeking medical treatment for a pet who was clearly suffering.
This issue (and many just like it) pop up all the time on the different pet boards I frequent. I know that others in the future are going to read her question and responses, so my response was not only to her, but to anyone in her situation.
Well apparently she decided to read into it that I was calling her an unfit owner, and basically the humane society should be called on her. *sigh* Nothing like reading into things what you want to read into them.
Honestly, I'm a just the facts kind of person. If I thought she was being cruel enough that the humane society should be called on her then I would have either said it, or refrained from replying (because there are some choices I can't respect)
So the original story was she had this pet since it was three weeks old and it is now almost a teenager. in the reply that i had offended her, it was a pet that was 'dropped off on her property'. Um.. once you feed the pet for more than a week, it is yours!! it's not a stray, it's not an abandoned pet.. it is your own personal pet.
And I honestly do respect that people are in hard times. No matter what the economy, but even more so now ropes are tight. But if you have a pet, you have a financial and moral obligation to the pet to get it medical care!!! if you can't then you need to find a way to get it the medical care that it needs. It is not right for a pet to suffer because you are down on your luck. I would(and have been in this situation - fortunately my pets were basically healthy) beg, borrow, scrounge, work extra jobs, sell stuff I had, anything to get my pets the care they need.
Do I always do everything my vet recommends? no. because often I know that what they are recommending isn't the end all and be all of the situation, but I will trust that they know what the situation is, and once I know what the problem is, I can either accept my vet's recommendation, or go and look for alternatives. If you don't know what the problem is, trying to treat your pet for some mysterious illness is not only bad for the pet, but chances are is going to waste your time and your money - which you have already said is a limited resource.
Measure twice, cut once. Applies to more than building a house.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)