Happy Friggen Birthday to me

arrgh. You know, in the history of my life, it is going to say that the first 20 years I shared my birthday with my sister, then the next 10 years I saw weird wild life for my birthday (rabbits, skunks, moose, quail, etc. Stuff you don't see every day came out to say hi on my birthday for every single birthday in my 20s) and my 30s apparently are the birthdays that suck.

This year my birthday had to be postponed because my MIL, who is not of good health or true sound mind, is in a situation. She's being cared for by one of my SILs and the SIL is overwhelmed. She's also the only one who is completely against a nursing home or any other type of care where MIL is not at home.

Well SIL is now dealing with health issues, and a son who is dating a hoodlum who we are all pretty sure basically assaulted the MIL (nothing HUGE, but pretty disturbing regardless) To me what is most disturbing is the SIL's granddaughter thought what happened was 'cool'. I mentioned that maybe a phone call to the police and a report being taken might help. It would certainly put this girl on notice, and it would show the younger girl that the family takes this seriously, but I think the family fears that calling the police would put SIL on the defensive.

sigh

so any suggestions I make are met with hostility. DH gets very defensive. more sighing.

so I'm back to giving up.. which actually helped me understand what I mean when I say I'm giving up.

apparently deep down I feel the need to control life. (not that I was trying to control the situation with MIL, just made a suggestion, and the hostility I was met with was hard) when things aren't going as I want them to, I get very very frustrated. I suppose it is a good thing I can "give up" and let go and let things take the course they are taking, as oppose to continuing to fight what is happening in my life and trying to force it all to fit a square peg in a round hole, but it was definitely an interesting observation I made about myself. Never really noticed I was wanting to control the events around me.

I also noticed recently I am extremely judgemental. I do know that from time to time (particularly when I'm feeling poorly about myself) that I will mentally put other people down. I wonder how they could possibly walk out of the house looking like they do, don't they own a mirror, etc. Sometimes I feel bad about it afterwards, but sometimes the people in question are basically wearing stuff you couldn't even donate to good will and seem to be asking for such a judgement. I keep my thoughts to myself (or share with DH) and would never be rude to anyone because of how they were dressed...etc.

But this weekend I saw a very pretty woman all dressed up as if going into an office environment. I thought she was very pretty. Then I saw a very tall thin boy who had a container of cookies. He was VERY thin, and had pants that were too big for him that were old and scruffy, and a scruffy tshirt and some sort of hat on that would have been appropriate for winter. I had to wonder if he was some sort of hoodlum for dressing like that, and wondered how he got those cookies. As I was leaving I noticed the boy caught up with a man who was wearing the same kind of scruffy clothing, and who hadn't shaved. A moment later the pretty woman joined them, and they all got into a car together. My brain couldn't help but wonder what she was doing with them

pretty quickly though I caught myself. The men could be getting ready to do manual labor for the weekend just as the woman was getting out of work and was about to put on scruffy clothes herself etc. I can't judge how nice or how horrid these people are based simply on their clothing. I don't think it is completely wrong to make judgements by what people are wearing, because they choose to present themselves to the world this way making a statement by the clothing they wear. I don't think I was wrong to wonder if the boy had stolen the cookies. I would have been wrong to assume he had and do something about it. Just as I don't think i would have been wrong to be cautious about my security if it had been night and dark and there had been no one else around. This boy presented a 'hoodlum' face to the world and I don't think I was wrong to make assessments on that, but I should not judge the woman for being with these people - which is what I started to do. They might be absolutely wonderful guys who care deeply about her and take very good care of one another. They might clean up just handsomely and be on the same level of dress as she does on many occasions.

I mentioned my judgementalness to my husband, and how I shouldn't have thought she shouldn't have been with them based on their different choices of clothing options. DH apparently didn't realize that we tend to dress on the same level of respect at the same time. If one of us is scruffy, we usually are both scruffy. It is rare that one of us is all dressed up and the other is scruffy.

I don't think I'm explaining this very well, but that's ok. I know what I'm talking about and how I need to learn to be a little more accepting at first blush, and not chide myself into it.

I'm also finding myself dwelling on the negative a bit more than I would like. Sometimes it is just hard. Misery loves company but happiness stands alone.

but hey, I did burn almost 3,000 calories yesterday.. worked off the office birthday cake :D