Happy Friggen Birthday to me

arrgh. You know, in the history of my life, it is going to say that the first 20 years I shared my birthday with my sister, then the next 10 years I saw weird wild life for my birthday (rabbits, skunks, moose, quail, etc. Stuff you don't see every day came out to say hi on my birthday for every single birthday in my 20s) and my 30s apparently are the birthdays that suck.

This year my birthday had to be postponed because my MIL, who is not of good health or true sound mind, is in a situation. She's being cared for by one of my SILs and the SIL is overwhelmed. She's also the only one who is completely against a nursing home or any other type of care where MIL is not at home.

Well SIL is now dealing with health issues, and a son who is dating a hoodlum who we are all pretty sure basically assaulted the MIL (nothing HUGE, but pretty disturbing regardless) To me what is most disturbing is the SIL's granddaughter thought what happened was 'cool'. I mentioned that maybe a phone call to the police and a report being taken might help. It would certainly put this girl on notice, and it would show the younger girl that the family takes this seriously, but I think the family fears that calling the police would put SIL on the defensive.

sigh

so any suggestions I make are met with hostility. DH gets very defensive. more sighing.

so I'm back to giving up.. which actually helped me understand what I mean when I say I'm giving up.

apparently deep down I feel the need to control life. (not that I was trying to control the situation with MIL, just made a suggestion, and the hostility I was met with was hard) when things aren't going as I want them to, I get very very frustrated. I suppose it is a good thing I can "give up" and let go and let things take the course they are taking, as oppose to continuing to fight what is happening in my life and trying to force it all to fit a square peg in a round hole, but it was definitely an interesting observation I made about myself. Never really noticed I was wanting to control the events around me.

I also noticed recently I am extremely judgemental. I do know that from time to time (particularly when I'm feeling poorly about myself) that I will mentally put other people down. I wonder how they could possibly walk out of the house looking like they do, don't they own a mirror, etc. Sometimes I feel bad about it afterwards, but sometimes the people in question are basically wearing stuff you couldn't even donate to good will and seem to be asking for such a judgement. I keep my thoughts to myself (or share with DH) and would never be rude to anyone because of how they were dressed...etc.

But this weekend I saw a very pretty woman all dressed up as if going into an office environment. I thought she was very pretty. Then I saw a very tall thin boy who had a container of cookies. He was VERY thin, and had pants that were too big for him that were old and scruffy, and a scruffy tshirt and some sort of hat on that would have been appropriate for winter. I had to wonder if he was some sort of hoodlum for dressing like that, and wondered how he got those cookies. As I was leaving I noticed the boy caught up with a man who was wearing the same kind of scruffy clothing, and who hadn't shaved. A moment later the pretty woman joined them, and they all got into a car together. My brain couldn't help but wonder what she was doing with them

pretty quickly though I caught myself. The men could be getting ready to do manual labor for the weekend just as the woman was getting out of work and was about to put on scruffy clothes herself etc. I can't judge how nice or how horrid these people are based simply on their clothing. I don't think it is completely wrong to make judgements by what people are wearing, because they choose to present themselves to the world this way making a statement by the clothing they wear. I don't think I was wrong to wonder if the boy had stolen the cookies. I would have been wrong to assume he had and do something about it. Just as I don't think i would have been wrong to be cautious about my security if it had been night and dark and there had been no one else around. This boy presented a 'hoodlum' face to the world and I don't think I was wrong to make assessments on that, but I should not judge the woman for being with these people - which is what I started to do. They might be absolutely wonderful guys who care deeply about her and take very good care of one another. They might clean up just handsomely and be on the same level of dress as she does on many occasions.

I mentioned my judgementalness to my husband, and how I shouldn't have thought she shouldn't have been with them based on their different choices of clothing options. DH apparently didn't realize that we tend to dress on the same level of respect at the same time. If one of us is scruffy, we usually are both scruffy. It is rare that one of us is all dressed up and the other is scruffy.

I don't think I'm explaining this very well, but that's ok. I know what I'm talking about and how I need to learn to be a little more accepting at first blush, and not chide myself into it.

I'm also finding myself dwelling on the negative a bit more than I would like. Sometimes it is just hard. Misery loves company but happiness stands alone.

but hey, I did burn almost 3,000 calories yesterday.. worked off the office birthday cake :D

Positive thinking

I haven't done this in a while, purposfully posted about positive things in my life. I'm not doing too bad trying to focus on the positive. It is so hard when the chemical imbalance in my brain says 'life sucks, it is a big black hole, you'll never make it' sort of stuff. I keep telling myself I do not need to listen, I try redirecting my thoughts to the positive, which is a little easier now that I have a friend back in my life.

I had a little revalation a while back. I often pray when I'm lost, and I am forced to remind myself that when I feel like I am adrift in the world, it is only because my back is turned to my Rock. I am still achored, I am still loved, but I am not in a position to see it either by choice or by circumstance. I remind myself that it is still there.

That thought turned to past friendships, and how people leave me. Seems people always leave, and it hurts when they do, but I had to wonder how many times people have 'left' only to have me turn my back on the friendship too. did the friendship seem to end because I turned away? Am I too quick to consider a friendship ended simply because that is what I'm used to and so there for I turn away at the first inkling?

I honestly do not know the answer to this, as I have always thought I was always there for people I considered a friend. Maybe I'm not. I don't turn my back, but I can be slow to reach out when things drift.

So anyway.. it was something for me to think about.

Things I am currently grateful for:
clearance stores
size 12 jeans
weighing under 200lbs this morning. (198.5 to be exact!!)
Premade salads and pre-portioned frozen fruits for smoothies (even if I had to do it)
my boss being totally ok with the fact that I was an hour late this morning (I could have made it on time, but I wouldn't have had my shower - and I oh so needed a shower)

dreams that wake you

Don't you just hate them? Although the good dreams that wake me aren't so bad, but the ones that just freak you out so much you wake up all freaked out. What gets me is I can remember being totally freaked out, but once I was awakened I couldn't imagine why I was so freaked... i've watched way worse on TV

Started out we were in the hosptial for my MIL (in real life she's been on her last leg for a couple of years now and had issues this weekend) and then my DH had an asthma attack and ended up being admitted too. Then I came down with breathing issues, and they put me in a different room and hooked me up to some tube that came out of the wall. Some how the tube was long enough that I could walk down the hall and check on my DH. on the way back I lifted up the tube to go around someone but despite my being careful I got it caught on another patient - who proceeded to yell at me for not being careful until I explained the situation, to which they just proceeded to be quite - not apologising, just shutting up. I walked back to my room and watched the TV display (think NYC Times Square) and there was someone who was stomping on the screen. The stomping led to the building cracking and people falling from one level to another. The stomping also opened up a huge crator in the ground. I was then outside in this crater but safe. I was just below the ground level and I watched a mother and child falling into the crater. The little girl tried to hold on, but the mother pulled her down, and together they fell in. I believe it was the act of the mother pulling her child away from safety that woke me.

I was able to get back to sleep ok, and proceeded to have another dream just as I was awakened again. Not sure if it was because a cat walked over me, or my DH's alarm went off, or what. I remember it was a nice dream though. Just wish I could remember it.

rainy day

Well it is raining again, and shall do so for the rest of the week.

i actually like rain. I don't much enjoy a cold rain - which is what we are dealing with, but I'm indoors near my little heater, so not much to complain about. it is a little difficult to go out and go for my walk, but that's ok. It's an act of God. :)

I have been achy lately too. I have been sleeping pretty horribly. Getting no more than two hours before waking up. I don't much remember it, but I am feeling it. OTC sleeping aids and generic ambien are not helping. two more weeks till my blood test, and then we'll have some more answers (hopefully) this is starting to get troubling.

I've also been exercising pretty well. According to my GoWear Fit, I've been burning about 2400 a day. I stopped recording my food over the weekend cause... well frankly because I made a few of my own meals and it was just too much thinking to think of every little ingredient to record. I'll start up again in a day or two so that I have some nice records to bring to the endocrinologist that I'm pretty certain I'm going to be refered to.

Going out to dinner with my husband and his friend this evening. Being as anti-social as I am I'm not looking forward to this, but trying to put a good spin on it I know it will be good for me to be social. You never know, his wife and I might just hit it off (postive thinking positive thinking, positive thinking) but this ache in my bones is making looking forward to this kinda hard.

forcing - no, encouraging myself to think positive

Rough day today, I woke up at 3am and didn't get back to sleep until almost right before I had to get up and go to work. I didn't get my morning exercise in, and I've been fighting a headache all day - not to mention I have an extreme case of the munchies.. so, I am going to turn this around..

I got to spend quality time with my kitties who really appreciate my time and energy, I got to spend time snuggled into my warm and cozy bed and be awake to enjoy it. I got to take a nap before work, then took a nice warm shower before heading off to a job that appreciates me and pays me well. I have healthy life affirming food to eat, and I had a few extra snacks on hand because I know there are days that my body is going to need just a little extra. (ok, so I'm at a loss on the headache! how about pain makes me appreciate when I don't have pain?)

I'm thankful today for: alarm clocks, hot showers, the fact I premake my salads on Sunday and that works for the rest of the week, a car that runs and is fun to drive.

Thinks I am thankful for

spring flowers that fragrent the air
warm sun caressing the skin
Warm oatmeal with lemon.
a good cup of tea

and I'll try never to list these again:
a warm comfy inviting bed
the love of my cats

Ok, think positively

Well I've used this blog to rant about things that were bugging me. THought it would be a good outlet to get those feelings out so they wouldn't consume me. It has helped a lot, and I don't intend to let that go, but I thought I'd try focusing on the positive as well. I'm going to start a new catagory for things I'm grateful for, and try to do entries about what I am thankful for.

It is so very hard when I am so very stuck in life. I hate waiting to see how to get unstuck too, makes me feel even more stuck. But I fear that if I keep wallowing in how I don't have my blood tests taken nor the results back, nor a plan to figure out how to make my life physically better, I'm going to completely ruin my emotional life.

*big deep cleansing breath*

I'm currently reading a book about adrenal burn out. Don't know if that is my issue or not, but there are some things they recommend that are helpful regardless... and thinking positive is one of them. Big deep cleansing breaths are another :)

(annoying thing is that every time I start to read the book it puts me to sleep. I've had to renew it twice already)

:)

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another dream

I was in a community center in the kitchen with Alton Brown. He was going to teach me to cook something, but the kitchen was a mess, so we were goofing around cleaning it up. Someone turned on music, and we started dancing around as we were cleaning, then we started dancing together. the moves started to get interesting, when all of a sudden he had to go to the auto parts store, and he scrambled to get his coat. He said he would be right back and he left. Feeling a bit abandoned, I decided not to wait and got my scarf and coat when Fred Thompson calls me into the larger community room and starts to talk to me about community politics. I was very very confused, when he refered to something I had done earlier in my dream that surprised me (but sadly I don't remember the earlier part of my dream nor what he refered to) and I woke up.