205

well 205 is impressive.. seeing it has been a long time since I've been under 206.. We'll see what happens.

I don't really quite understand why this is working.  I haven't been overly exhausted lately, (not that I'm not tired, just not overly achingly so) and I even ate only 1000 calories one day this weekend and didn't feel deprived of anything.  I made it a point to eat 1200 the next day, but I was forcing it. (ok that isn't really true, but staying with in my healthy food options was what interested me, and I made sure I ate, even though food really wasn't having the same pull it usually does)  So I'm just going with it.  Maybe I'll get under 200 again (please please please) maybe this won't last through Wednesday (when cat goes in for surgery) who knows.

I really do miss spell check on blogger..

206.5

Yup, I was eating too much :) hey, at least this time my body decided to let go of the weight (or water or whatever) Hopefully I can keep up the loss, and maybe (crosses fingers) get under 200lbs again!!

I had a crying fest the other morning.  It was so bizzare.  I was exercising, and was annoyed that I have to exercise so much (I do it 6 days a week, I think I should do 7, but I rarely do) I don't mind exercising any more.  I don't like it, but it is just one of those things now.  Well when I was done I felt a huge wash of desperation fill me.  I was walking up the stairs when I just sat down sobbing.  SOBBING.  I hadn't cried like that since we put our cat to sleep.  Part of my brain was all awash in sobbing, the other half - the logical reasonable part - was wondering what on earth I was doing?  Why was I sitting on the stairs? why was I sobbing for goodness sake, our life is great.  Why are you holding your breath? do you realize you look like an idiot? just get up and go about your day, this is totally unnecessary!! Look a cat came to comfort you.. you are starting to worry the cats, stop this you silly git.. etc

The emotional side won out for a while.. saying that crying is cleansing, and maybe there was something that just needed to go.

I've been very much out of sorts since then.  This morning was interesting though, as I found a turtle in front of my house.  It was a baby (about the size of a deck of cards) snapping turtle.  I ran back in the house for my camera and a container to help me move it out of the road.  I LOVE turtles.. and I tried to take it as a sign.  I've been a little calmer since then.

I'm pretty much of the school of thought that losing weight is going to be an emotional journey for me.  I do not know why, maybe my fat cells store hormones of emotions??  I'm just going to try to live with them, and accomidate them the best I can.  Do some meditation to get through the worst of the anxiety attacks and the desperation.. pat kittens and find other activities that I enjoy and just keep up the exercise (even though it still fails to boost my endorphine levels)

I've always know I've been different.  I mean everywhere I go problems arrise, my files are missing, computers break, etc.. heck I even have negative resistance on my DH's electrical resistance meter doo-hickey.. guess this is just what I have to deal with.

208.5 - recommitting

Ok.  This is getting out of hand.  I haven't been really watching what i have been eating lately - and I was stuck at 206 regardless of what I ate for so long, that I've been lax.  I have been exercising. I've been experimenting with my exercise too. I have a heart rate monitor and it has been fun watching it and my gowearfit tell me which exercises burn the most calories.  Sitting still burns 1.3 calories per minute. Walking on my treadmill on a slight incline (in my target heart rate) burns 5.  Jumping on the trampoline burns between 6-9 or more if I'm listening to music - and it takes more and more effort to get into my target heart rate, so I end up burning more calories.  I broke out my step the other day because DH wasn't feeling well and wanted to hang out in the basement. I ended up overworking my calf muscle and it still hurts two days later.. and I only burned 5 calories.  Oddly enough there didn't seem to be a huge difference in stepping on the lower level than the higher level.  Probably because I stepped faster while on the lower level, and harder and slower on the higher..

I am also going to buy a case of the ribose.  I'm so surprised at how well it boosts my energy.  It is kinda like FRS, but with out the nasty aftertaste, or the limitations of the taste (since it is pretty tasteless)

My body WILL comply.  I WILL lose weight.  It WILL be healthy and active and HAPPY! or will die trying..  :)

another realization

I think a lot of my mental issues stem from the fact that I am spending a lot of time hiding from the odd emotions that pop up. I will quite often feel anxious, desparate or depressed, and instead of acknowledging those emotions and letting them wash over me and out of me, I start fighting them. My subconcious rational brain starts saying things like "well there is nothing to be anxious about, so I refuse to let you be anxious" so I pretend I'm not anxious, when I am, and it really is stupid.

I'm working on not letting myself fight the emotions. So if I have to spend a few moments in the grocery store looking completely desparate, then I guess that is what I'll have to do..

(and man I REALLY miss spell check!!!)

food is not addicting.. but gambling...*rolls eyes*

I have to say I am sick and tired of hearing how food is not addicting. But yet gambling and sex and even the internet is.

I'm not saying it is addicting in the traditional sense of say addicting drugs - meaning anyone can get addicted simply by abusing them. But I do believe there are people out there (and I'm not unsure I'm not among them) that are addicted to food and the real and direct pleasures derived from the chemical reactions they get from eating.

I know that I will often have to forgo certain foods because if I start eating them I will not be satisfied with one or two servings (sounds like an addiction to me)

I know there are often times I have to tell my DH to please just pick and make me dinner, because if I start to think about which foods I really want then I will over eat. Having options, and being in close proximity to foods, will cause a chain reaction that always involves my consuming too many calories. But if I just have him make a suitable meal and put it in front of me I will eat it and be satisfied (food as fuel not fun)

At least if I am addicted to food, I'm now in a place where I am able to manage it.. a recovering addict if you will. But I know full well I could easily let myself slide into allowing food to rule my life again. (and it is so hard to not let it when I'm eating healthy and I'm gaining weight)

and I also know that it isn't always about the pure math of calories.. cause if it was I would not be putting on weight. I burn at least 500 calories every day - ok, maybe once a month I eat a little more than normal and I might just break even - more than I'm taking in, and I'm gaining weight. It seems insane. My blood tests are all normal. I'm so aggrevated that there are no answers for me. And since I'm in backwater no where, there aren't all that many options for me in alternative medicines. *sigh* I am going to have to be content with the fact I am treating my body right - even if it isn't right for my body. But since I have no idea what my body wants / needs, I'm just going to have to settle for popular opinion about what I should be doing and hope that eventually my body will accept it.

emotions stink

I am really reeling with repressed emotions lately. Regrets in my life... stuff I wish I hadn't done. I try to remind myself if I hadn't done it that I would be wondering about doing it and probably regretting not taking the opportunity, but hindsight while being 20/20 is also never kind. Why can't I look at my past with the same rose colored glasses I think others should look at their pasts with??

I'm not going to get into my regrets. I probably should. Not taking them out to air out has just let them fester in my Psyche, and probably is making them worse in my mind than they really are, but they are pretty horrid, and frankly I'm not willing to air them in public. Maybe one day I'll make a post and delete it before posting it just to write them all out, but I doubt it, because the small looks I've been forced to take of them lately just make me all... well emotionally.

Trying not to emotionally eat is also what is prompting me to face these. The weight gain, while I believe is not by my hand - and I do believe it has more to do with physical issues I'm facing - could be aided in the fact that I haven't been really strick with myself. I mean I am burning 2000-2400 calories a day (thank you gowear fit) and I am intentionally eating 1300-1400 calories, so if I have a few bites of my DH's snack, or a scoop of PB or a few extra nuts a day, that is only 300-400 calories, so that is still under what I'm burning. Again, I am the first to admit there are some days where I do go over the 2k in calories, but those are rare. (and according to some weight loss experts necessary)

so I'm sitting here waiting for the results from the latest round of blood work. I had it drawn last friday - which for some reason killed me. I was physically ill the rest of the day. Almost fainted in the store. Sat it rained, so I stayed in bed most of the day. Sun I exercised in the AM and then went to a fair (one from my childhood it is small but it is a fond memory maker to me) and walked around. DH got some apple cobbler with ice cream and I had two small bites of the ice cream. I had forgone lunch so I could eat fair food, but that stupid adult on my shoulder couldn't justify any of the foods for the calories. I had just had fried dough at the last fair (did the same thing, no lunch waiting for fair food, and all I could come up with is carnie dough - as opposed to local people's fair food)

While walking around the fair I had to wonder was it always this small? I mean when I was little it felt so big and so impressive. But then again I was little. Maybe it was better than it was now. I took Dh to it many years ago while we were still dating, and he said it was a little more impressive than it was this time. I don't like my fairs to be all carnie stuff. (stuff that travels from fair to fair simply to be there. I like local groups who make an effort to make nice stuff to sell) When I was little I got a leather key chain with my name on it. My sister got one with her name on it, and my mom got one with her name on it. Mom used hers for years, and I remember it being on her keys for a long time. I didn't have keys for years afterwards, only finding again a few years after moving out and I used it for a while. I don't remember why I stopped. I think I probably changed cars or something, and just used the ring the car key was on (because I have a garage door opener I don't carry a house key - stupid I know.. but ...)

I also remembered being told NO a LOT while at the fair. can't get carnie food, can't spend a lot of money, can't touch this, etc. I couldn't remember if we were ever able to ride rides. Although they might not have had rides back when we first started going (there were only the barest of rides this time, all kiddie rides) I saw two little boys in a red wagon with two bags of popcorn and two bags of cotton candy, and I couldn't help but thinking THAT was the way to see the fair. I am sure that was never me. Certainly not two options of goodies.. and I doubt that once I was able to walk that I would have ever been given the option to ride.

But then I got to thinking, which option is best? I mean the kid in me likes the wagon idea.. but is spoiling the kids really ok? Is that spoiling? or is that a "this is a once a year thing, so have fun" kind of event. Is that an ok thing? Don't know, I don't have kids. Would letting them double fist it at the fair lead to them complaining for goodies other times? *shrug*

I am sad that I wasn't allowed more as a child. I do feel I was deprived - be it because my parents were poor or because they just didn't want to spoil me. I don't know. Regardless I think they did it wrong. I felt they didn't give me what I wanted just to spite me - which is never a good way to feel as a kid. There had to be a better way to explain things to a kid so they don't feel so extraneous

To this day I still feel that way. doesn't matter if I'm achieving great things, or if I'm just sitting wallowing in my misery. I often feel that people would be happier if I just wasn't around. Doesn't matter what the truth is, it is how I feel. Fortunately I know what the truth is, and some how I accept it on faith.

I'm just really glad I left my money at home today or I'd be walking down to the bakery for a big ol slice of something totally not on my diet.