I got into the shower last night, and realized the bumps on my arms are almost completely gone. I'm sure if someone else touched them, they probably wouldn't even feel them. I've been pulling oil a little more frequently lately because my teeth have been bothering me again. Fortunately the more I pull, the less they bother me.
I STILL don't understand why. I can not fathom that it "pulls toxins" from my body. That to me just seems too bizarre for reason. I get that skin absorbs, but other then sweating, I've never seen it release anything. Even "cupping" just gets the body to work on things inside of it, and then flushing it out that way..
I've been reading more on tooth health. I'm sick and tired of cavities. I've been reading that I need to eat more meat and bone broth to get the minerals to help my body rebuild the teeth as they are eroded by every day wear. It makes sense that the teeth should be capable or rebuilding and withstanding a life time of use. I mean that is what they are there for. So I'm working on that. The other thought is that the minerals are in the saliva so that helps rebuild them. You shouldn't use tooth paste with glycrin in it because it keeps the saliva off the teeth and thus they are less able to rebuild.
so if I'm swishing oil around in my mouth, it makes sense that more saliva is being swished around my teeth., thus helping my teeth.
as for the KP, I read that is a vitamin A deficiency. Olive oil is rich in Vitamin A..
but why does it work better when I swish my A then when I eat it? maybe the A is going directly through the mucus membranes of my mouth and thus better utilized since I don't have to process it in my gut?
do I really care why? are I not thrilled that it does work?
it's too bad it does though, because I am totally not a fan of doing it!!
11.18.2010
219.5/216.5
so I've been hitting the sugar pretty frequently the past few days. I've also been off my thyroid energy support supplement. does one have to do with the other have to do with the third?? probably. but in which order???
I weighed 219 this morning, I went and I exercised for about 40 minutes and stretched for maybe another 10 (maybe 12 I watched 20 minutes of a program and sat on the floor for all of it)
I went upstairs and weighed, then got the 216.
So, I am swearing off the sugar. I may want, I may crave, but I'm going to do what I can to stay away from it for three days (ARRGH, that falls in the christmas fair day.. crap. Ok, two days) If I lose weight, I'll atribute it to the sugar. I've got some brain fog going on as well.. I'm doubting that is going to clear up with out the supplement.
My new dr's appointment is on Monday, so we'll see what happens after that. They may have a whole new thing for me to try..
So this morning I had a smoothie. Green tea, whey protein powder, greek yogurt, coconut oil, a red banana and some pumpkin puree. Lots of cinnamon to go with it, it wasn't half bad. Smoothies with out high sugar fruits or some sort of sweetener have been rather gross. at 10:30ish I had some soaked oatmeal with more cinnamon and cardamom. Lunch now at 12:30, my ragout w/rice and roasted eggplant.and raw cheese. I've got an orange to have as a snack, some lentil soup on the fridge if I get hungry later.
The more I read up on "real" nutrition, the more I'm scared to eat pretty much anything other then zucchini and coconut oil. I'm sure if I keep reading, I'll find someone to tell me how evil those are as well. I'm comfortable with the "cook it yourself stay away from packages" thoughts. (I can't tell you how badly I want to put a crystal light type thing into my glass of water right now) only thing is I can't seem to stay away from the sweets, so the question becomes do I make sweet things for me to eat?? Seems so wrong to admit it and give into it, but eating poptarts I'm sure is way worse then eating a home made chocolate chip cookie..
I also had an interesting dream last night. First I ended up damaging a leather key ring I've had forever. In waking life, I had pulled it out from where it was and attached it to my new car key (used car but new to me) yesterday. Interesting that I would damage it in my dream. I also ended up having my period. I haven't had one of those in YEARS.. I'm quite curious as to what the dream experts think of that one..
hum..
menstruation: symbolic of releasing tension and worry
Losing blood may suggest you are losing energy because of inner conflicts or waking conflicts
hum.. the second one seems to make more sense since I was damaging my keyring out of nervous habit (like biting your nails) Would be nice to release the worry going on my in my life.. but I don't see that going anywhere till at least the new year if not a little later.
I weighed 219 this morning, I went and I exercised for about 40 minutes and stretched for maybe another 10 (maybe 12 I watched 20 minutes of a program and sat on the floor for all of it)
I went upstairs and weighed, then got the 216.
So, I am swearing off the sugar. I may want, I may crave, but I'm going to do what I can to stay away from it for three days (ARRGH, that falls in the christmas fair day.. crap. Ok, two days) If I lose weight, I'll atribute it to the sugar. I've got some brain fog going on as well.. I'm doubting that is going to clear up with out the supplement.
My new dr's appointment is on Monday, so we'll see what happens after that. They may have a whole new thing for me to try..
So this morning I had a smoothie. Green tea, whey protein powder, greek yogurt, coconut oil, a red banana and some pumpkin puree. Lots of cinnamon to go with it, it wasn't half bad. Smoothies with out high sugar fruits or some sort of sweetener have been rather gross. at 10:30ish I had some soaked oatmeal with more cinnamon and cardamom. Lunch now at 12:30, my ragout w/rice and roasted eggplant.and raw cheese. I've got an orange to have as a snack, some lentil soup on the fridge if I get hungry later.
The more I read up on "real" nutrition, the more I'm scared to eat pretty much anything other then zucchini and coconut oil. I'm sure if I keep reading, I'll find someone to tell me how evil those are as well. I'm comfortable with the "cook it yourself stay away from packages" thoughts. (I can't tell you how badly I want to put a crystal light type thing into my glass of water right now) only thing is I can't seem to stay away from the sweets, so the question becomes do I make sweet things for me to eat?? Seems so wrong to admit it and give into it, but eating poptarts I'm sure is way worse then eating a home made chocolate chip cookie..
I also had an interesting dream last night. First I ended up damaging a leather key ring I've had forever. In waking life, I had pulled it out from where it was and attached it to my new car key (used car but new to me) yesterday. Interesting that I would damage it in my dream. I also ended up having my period. I haven't had one of those in YEARS.. I'm quite curious as to what the dream experts think of that one..
hum..
menstruation: symbolic of releasing tension and worry
Losing blood may suggest you are losing energy because of inner conflicts or waking conflicts
hum.. the second one seems to make more sense since I was damaging my keyring out of nervous habit (like biting your nails) Would be nice to release the worry going on my in my life.. but I don't see that going anywhere till at least the new year if not a little later.
11.16.2010
dream
this one was interesting.
I was on an island. I had found something I had wanted to keep and I showed it to my significant other (was it DH? I don't remember now, but it will be him later) He told me we couldn't, but I insisted, and he relented, but suggested there might be trouble. Then there was a large ship on the ocean coming towards us. SO told me that it was pay back for keeping the thing I wanted, that they were coming to get it and everything else. So we had to hide all of the gold bars we were storing. We broke up the stash and hide it all over the house. SO hid some under the sheets of my unmade bed, which I thought was a stupid place to store them, so I put a few under the mattress (cause no one would look there right?) and some in a petty cash box and tried to hide that in the closet. Which is when I realized I was in my child hood home which now was on this island, because I looked out the window to see the ship closing in. I walked through the closet (which had two doors, one opened up into the living room - pretty clever when you think about it) and SO suggested that we might not want to be there when the ship showed up, so we hopped in his truck (which is when I realized that SO was DH since it was his current work truck) and we drove in town. We had to stop for gas. The station was automated, and we just sat there. But there was no signal that we were done. We got confused, and when someone pulled up behind us, DH being the "nice guy" that he is (quotes because he is to a fault) decided to drive away. I looked in the side mirror to realize that the pump was still in the gas tank, and I tried to get him to stop, but he wasn't listening to me, so finally i yelled at him, and he stopped just as the pump came loose from the truck and swung back towards the pumps. I told him never mind and keep going.
so we drove on, and ended up at the staples plaza by the airport. Only we didn't go to Staples, in fact staples wasn't even a store there. We went in and looked for a new desk for DH. They had some home office type of items, some cubical type items, even some old old abused and graffitied desks, that despite the abuse and graffiti were kind of interesting looking so I asked the price and they were several thousand dollars. Then we came upon some painted and coiffed desks more suited to me then DH, and they were only 100$ but were kind of small.
Which is when I was awoken by my cats.
Still 214.5 this morning.
I looked at my diet this morning and realized I need to get some more veggies in there. not that I'm not eating the "recommended amount" but I think I should probably have 50% green stuff (or at least aim for that) and I'm maybe getting 20%. It's hard because veggies don't keep well cooked, and cooking them at work isn't ideal. I suppose I could do more broccoli.
I was on an island. I had found something I had wanted to keep and I showed it to my significant other (was it DH? I don't remember now, but it will be him later) He told me we couldn't, but I insisted, and he relented, but suggested there might be trouble. Then there was a large ship on the ocean coming towards us. SO told me that it was pay back for keeping the thing I wanted, that they were coming to get it and everything else. So we had to hide all of the gold bars we were storing. We broke up the stash and hide it all over the house. SO hid some under the sheets of my unmade bed, which I thought was a stupid place to store them, so I put a few under the mattress (cause no one would look there right?) and some in a petty cash box and tried to hide that in the closet. Which is when I realized I was in my child hood home which now was on this island, because I looked out the window to see the ship closing in. I walked through the closet (which had two doors, one opened up into the living room - pretty clever when you think about it) and SO suggested that we might not want to be there when the ship showed up, so we hopped in his truck (which is when I realized that SO was DH since it was his current work truck) and we drove in town. We had to stop for gas. The station was automated, and we just sat there. But there was no signal that we were done. We got confused, and when someone pulled up behind us, DH being the "nice guy" that he is (quotes because he is to a fault) decided to drive away. I looked in the side mirror to realize that the pump was still in the gas tank, and I tried to get him to stop, but he wasn't listening to me, so finally i yelled at him, and he stopped just as the pump came loose from the truck and swung back towards the pumps. I told him never mind and keep going.
so we drove on, and ended up at the staples plaza by the airport. Only we didn't go to Staples, in fact staples wasn't even a store there. We went in and looked for a new desk for DH. They had some home office type of items, some cubical type items, even some old old abused and graffitied desks, that despite the abuse and graffiti were kind of interesting looking so I asked the price and they were several thousand dollars. Then we came upon some painted and coiffed desks more suited to me then DH, and they were only 100$ but were kind of small.
Which is when I was awoken by my cats.
Still 214.5 this morning.
I looked at my diet this morning and realized I need to get some more veggies in there. not that I'm not eating the "recommended amount" but I think I should probably have 50% green stuff (or at least aim for that) and I'm maybe getting 20%. It's hard because veggies don't keep well cooked, and cooking them at work isn't ideal. I suppose I could do more broccoli.
11.15.2010
214.5
Well now this is very VERY interesting.
I have made it a point to cook on Sunday. I make a big ragout to last me most of the week, some cooked ground beef to add to other dishes, etc. This week my food ran out on Thursday, but I was off on friday so I didn't need to pack a lunch, so I just went lazy. And to top it off, I WANTED pizza on Saturday.
I didn't do too badly on Fri and most of Saturday. I had two small pieces of a medium pizza and maybe that much more of cheezy bread sticks. no where near ideal, I fully admit that, but considering what my cravings wanted before I started eating, not too bad either.
and in response? I gained 5 lbs. I was 217.5 on Sunday morning. Yup. five pounds for not even one pound worth of calories - which when i think about it probably wasn't even over and above my caloric need for the day. (according to charts and weight and height etc, I should be able to eat - which for sedentary is 2097 calories per day to maintain) I didn't really keep track, so I could be off, but I rarely eat more then 1500-1800 calories when left to my own with out a cheat meal. - looks like I ate 780 calories.. yup. 780=5lbs.. how nice.
Now I'm sure you think "well obviously this must be water weight" yea.. right. If I am not obnoxiously careful about calories for the next two days after something like this happens, it stays put.
Even with not eating anything until lunch, then having a greek yogurt /w berries smoothie for lunch, and a very light and sensible dinner, this morning I weighed 214.5
*sigh*
Oddly enough I have to say, I did not enjoy the pizza (hence only having two pieces) which lends to my staying on my diet this upcoming weekend (ha ha ha - I have Christmas Fairs to go to, and Peanut Butter Fudge to stock up on) it would be nice if I could get through at least one weekend. But I'm not stressing. I have the new dr's appointment on Monday. I have thanksgiving coming up, then the week after that a week long trip out of town. THEN I should be able to be a little more strict with myself and not feel like I'm a complete and utter failure.
I'm still kinda hoping that the new dr will say "yes, you do have every single thyroid issue, here have thyroid medication" and it will fix me. I hate the idea of popping a pill to fix a problem but heck if that is the problem, and that will fix it, I'm willing.
As a fun side experiment, I've stopped taking my thyroid energy support. Two weeks of eating fat, butter, potatoes and what not, I wonder if I'll crash in a couple of days and have no energy to do ANYTHING once again. Generally that is what happens when I stop taking it for what ever reason (run out, forget, etc) It is hard to say if this refeeding experiement is helping if I'm still being propped up by supplements. I did feel the need to take my SAM-E this morning though (along with some dark chocolate) so that aspect of my physical issues hasn't been taken care of yet.
I also find I am dreading this holiday season. I wish I could say to hell with the diet thing, and shove all kinds of cookies, pies, fudge etc at myself, but I know full well that wouldn't make me feel better. I guess this stems from all of the "don't eat X" I have been reading.and I'm afraid to eat a lot of things. Reading labels yesterday at the grocery store I found myself putting back stuff I wanted to eat, because it had X ingredient. I hate fearing food.
I have made it a point to cook on Sunday. I make a big ragout to last me most of the week, some cooked ground beef to add to other dishes, etc. This week my food ran out on Thursday, but I was off on friday so I didn't need to pack a lunch, so I just went lazy. And to top it off, I WANTED pizza on Saturday.
I didn't do too badly on Fri and most of Saturday. I had two small pieces of a medium pizza and maybe that much more of cheezy bread sticks. no where near ideal, I fully admit that, but considering what my cravings wanted before I started eating, not too bad either.
and in response? I gained 5 lbs. I was 217.5 on Sunday morning. Yup. five pounds for not even one pound worth of calories - which when i think about it probably wasn't even over and above my caloric need for the day. (according to charts and weight and height etc, I should be able to eat - which for sedentary is 2097 calories per day to maintain) I didn't really keep track, so I could be off, but I rarely eat more then 1500-1800 calories when left to my own with out a cheat meal. - looks like I ate 780 calories.. yup. 780=5lbs.. how nice.
Now I'm sure you think "well obviously this must be water weight" yea.. right. If I am not obnoxiously careful about calories for the next two days after something like this happens, it stays put.
Even with not eating anything until lunch, then having a greek yogurt /w berries smoothie for lunch, and a very light and sensible dinner, this morning I weighed 214.5
*sigh*
Oddly enough I have to say, I did not enjoy the pizza (hence only having two pieces) which lends to my staying on my diet this upcoming weekend (ha ha ha - I have Christmas Fairs to go to, and Peanut Butter Fudge to stock up on) it would be nice if I could get through at least one weekend. But I'm not stressing. I have the new dr's appointment on Monday. I have thanksgiving coming up, then the week after that a week long trip out of town. THEN I should be able to be a little more strict with myself and not feel like I'm a complete and utter failure.
I'm still kinda hoping that the new dr will say "yes, you do have every single thyroid issue, here have thyroid medication" and it will fix me. I hate the idea of popping a pill to fix a problem but heck if that is the problem, and that will fix it, I'm willing.
As a fun side experiment, I've stopped taking my thyroid energy support. Two weeks of eating fat, butter, potatoes and what not, I wonder if I'll crash in a couple of days and have no energy to do ANYTHING once again. Generally that is what happens when I stop taking it for what ever reason (run out, forget, etc) It is hard to say if this refeeding experiement is helping if I'm still being propped up by supplements. I did feel the need to take my SAM-E this morning though (along with some dark chocolate) so that aspect of my physical issues hasn't been taken care of yet.
I also find I am dreading this holiday season. I wish I could say to hell with the diet thing, and shove all kinds of cookies, pies, fudge etc at myself, but I know full well that wouldn't make me feel better. I guess this stems from all of the "don't eat X" I have been reading.and I'm afraid to eat a lot of things. Reading labels yesterday at the grocery store I found myself putting back stuff I wanted to eat, because it had X ingredient. I hate fearing food.
11.10.2010
212
what the heck?? how did that happen? Last night I weighed and got 217, I was SO sure that I was finally going to start gaining weight on this silly diet.. but nope, I'm down a pound.. *shrug*
that's ok. I have to keep reminding myself this experiment is not about weight really it is about refeeding my body so it isn't nutritionally deprived - if in fact it was. Giving it things it hasn't eaten in years is so yummy, but uber uber strange. I mean potatoes? I get to .. no I should be eating potatoes?? aren't those one of those "white" foods?? and cheese? freaky!
my egg pan was dirty this morning so I had oatmeal. I"ve also been getting leg cramps at night, so I had a smoothie with a banana in it. I should probably look up high potassium foods and see what else I should becramming down my throat eating. So this morning, whey protein/banana/dark cherry smoothie with a serving of red food protein powder in for good measure. The half cup oatmeal made with a cup of whole milk. I was quite shocked when it turned up to be 1pm and I wasn't really hungry. I have to leave the office to run a rather long errand, so I thought I'd have lunch, which is white and black rice (I had bits left over of both, so I made them both this week and they turned out purple, it is kinda fun) left over zucchini and TJ chicken breast, heated up with salsa on it and some yummy local full fat cheese. If I am hungry later, I have roasted potatoes, and the last of my "ragu" and rice with more cheese. Considering how the day is going, I'll probably have the potatoes and save the ragu for dinner. We'll see.
that's ok. I have to keep reminding myself this experiment is not about weight really it is about refeeding my body so it isn't nutritionally deprived - if in fact it was. Giving it things it hasn't eaten in years is so yummy, but uber uber strange. I mean potatoes? I get to .. no I should be eating potatoes?? aren't those one of those "white" foods?? and cheese? freaky!
my egg pan was dirty this morning so I had oatmeal. I"ve also been getting leg cramps at night, so I had a smoothie with a banana in it. I should probably look up high potassium foods and see what else I should be
11.09.2010
sigh
it sucks that I hate this "diet" I'm on. I mean what could possibly be better then all the cheese and sour cream you could want?
I'm jonsing for some fruit and peanut butter though. Not to mention my sugar cravings are still there.
This weekend was a bad one for me, as there was a wake and a funeral to attend, then the obligatory food fest, and so I ate. Then there were other things at home, which I also ate. So I'm back up to 213, and my mid back on my right side hurts. I sat in the sauna last night for a little over an hour, and I feel a bit better, but I'm still achy. Am I achy because of the food I ate, or the food I ate the previous week, or because I slept wrong? who knows. I guess if I get better over the next day or two then it was probably one of the later two. If it gets worse, then it might be the former.
But I've committed to at least one more week of this. If my weight goes back down, or I see improvement in my energy levels or other physical signs this is good, I'll keep going. If not, I'm probably going to add fruit back in to my life.
I do have the referral to a new doctor to deal with as well, and what she recommends I eat..
I'm jonsing for some fruit and peanut butter though. Not to mention my sugar cravings are still there.
This weekend was a bad one for me, as there was a wake and a funeral to attend, then the obligatory food fest, and so I ate. Then there were other things at home, which I also ate. So I'm back up to 213, and my mid back on my right side hurts. I sat in the sauna last night for a little over an hour, and I feel a bit better, but I'm still achy. Am I achy because of the food I ate, or the food I ate the previous week, or because I slept wrong? who knows. I guess if I get better over the next day or two then it was probably one of the later two. If it gets worse, then it might be the former.
But I've committed to at least one more week of this. If my weight goes back down, or I see improvement in my energy levels or other physical signs this is good, I'll keep going. If not, I'm probably going to add fruit back in to my life.
I do have the referral to a new doctor to deal with as well, and what she recommends I eat..
11.04.2010
day three is done
So I was cooking this morning for today's food, and DH was in the room. I lamented that while I hated this "diet" for all the cooking I had to do, I did really enjoy throwing cheese on everything I was eating.
This is so counter to EVERYTHING I've ever read about diet. animal fats = bad!!!! (yes, with all the !'s) so then why am I starting to fee a bit better? I'm no where near saying this is anything yet other then a pain in my tushie (I don't mind cooking, but I hate cleaning, DH usually does that but he's been distracted and pretty much every bowl and pot are piled up in the kitchen waiting to be cleaned) and a lot of fun (did I mention the cheese and butter?) but the scale was actually nice to me this morning. 210.5 Again, I have been hovering at 210 for several months, and had the spike due to a road trip and a glut of TastyKakes, and halloween goodies. But it is shocking to eat gobs of butter and a smattering of cheese and CORN of all things!! (I had my first taste of polenta last night. I ended up toasting it with some butter (so technically it was probably frying) in my toaster oven then putting cheese on it and pairing that with the left over bok choi stir fry from yesterday. Corn is a carb.. corn = bad.. all that GMO stuff etc.
So, three days is no where near any place I can make a conclusion. Am I feeling a tad bit better because I've been avoiding sugar? could be. Weight? Could just be a normal flux. But I do have to say they are encouraging signs to keep going.
I did make a huge pot of chicken soup last night. I bought chicken thighs to do it (see previous post about yelling at DH) and ended up getting it made last night. I forgot how much I HATE cooking chicken, and how I can NOT eat anything I make with it. I was doing fine until I shredded the thighs, at which point I wanted to hurl. DH came home several hours later and tasted it. It was a little bland missing some of the herbs and spices (ok salt and pepper) so I threw some in and gave it a stir, and DH said it was much better and he'd love to eat it. Which is good because it's got turnip and parsnip in it, and it will be nice to get some new veggies into him (he hates anything he's not used to)
This is so counter to EVERYTHING I've ever read about diet. animal fats = bad!!!! (yes, with all the !'s) so then why am I starting to fee a bit better? I'm no where near saying this is anything yet other then a pain in my tushie (I don't mind cooking, but I hate cleaning, DH usually does that but he's been distracted and pretty much every bowl and pot are piled up in the kitchen waiting to be cleaned) and a lot of fun (did I mention the cheese and butter?) but the scale was actually nice to me this morning. 210.5 Again, I have been hovering at 210 for several months, and had the spike due to a road trip and a glut of TastyKakes, and halloween goodies. But it is shocking to eat gobs of butter and a smattering of cheese and CORN of all things!! (I had my first taste of polenta last night. I ended up toasting it with some butter (so technically it was probably frying) in my toaster oven then putting cheese on it and pairing that with the left over bok choi stir fry from yesterday. Corn is a carb.. corn = bad.. all that GMO stuff etc.
So, three days is no where near any place I can make a conclusion. Am I feeling a tad bit better because I've been avoiding sugar? could be. Weight? Could just be a normal flux. But I do have to say they are encouraging signs to keep going.
I did make a huge pot of chicken soup last night. I bought chicken thighs to do it (see previous post about yelling at DH) and ended up getting it made last night. I forgot how much I HATE cooking chicken, and how I can NOT eat anything I make with it. I was doing fine until I shredded the thighs, at which point I wanted to hurl. DH came home several hours later and tasted it. It was a little bland missing some of the herbs and spices (ok salt and pepper) so I threw some in and gave it a stir, and DH said it was much better and he'd love to eat it. Which is good because it's got turnip and parsnip in it, and it will be nice to get some new veggies into him (he hates anything he's not used to)
11.03.2010
Day Two down
Well avoiding the sugar was a little easier yesterday, but not by much. So far today I've been called by left over candy corn and french truffles, the candy corn is not all that appealing, and I have coconut oil fudge to combat the truffle.
Had a huge "discussion" with DH. He makes dinner for us, and I explained on Sunday it was just meat and green veggies. We didn't have any meat in the fridge he could use (I have chicken thighs, but I"m going to make a soup out of them) so you'd have to go out and buy something or thaw the chicken breast we have in the storage freezer. So Monday he decided to make the orange chicken, which does not fall under the no sugar no PUSFA rule which I explained to him ("but it is meat" lamented DH). So Monday night I tried to be as crystal clear as possible, and made him repeat to me that he needed to either "thaw out the chicken breast we have in the freezer or buy something new"
So Tuesday I came home to his trying to cook my chicken thighs. *sigh*
DH is sweet as all get out, but he absolutely positively can not learn to listen to every single solitary word I say, and for the past few years, these have been pretty much the only fights we've had. When I've asked him to do something, and it goes in one ear and out the other, or he half listens to me (making me meat, but not plain or not from the freezer or something he bought) I had such a frustrating day at work fending off sugar cravings that I wanted to hit him, and not in a good way.
I really don't know how to get him to understand things. He has no idea how to get me to understand things. What I don't get though is how he is functional out in the world. He holds down a good job, and is well loved there. So how come he can function there but can't listen to me? I believe him when he says he loves me and he cares, because if I can get him to automate what I need from him, then it gets done. Maybe that's it, maybe his work is 90% automation??? arrgh.
So after about 45 minutes of my trying to figure out how to talk to him so he'll listen, and asking him to figure out a way (usually when I ask him to figure something out, he doesn't. Don't know if he can't, or forgets) to remember things that I tell him are *IMPORTANT* (which I rarely do. Most things are if you could, and if he doesn't in a reasonable amount of time, I simply make him a list) He was asking that maybe I could email him and remind him, but honestly I do not want to treat him like he is five years old. If he needs an email to remind him, then he can email himself. he's 41 years old.. *sigh* but I do love and appreciate most of him.. and if this is my biggest complaint, I should just shut the hell up right? (hey, no reason I can't work for perfection, just so long as I don't expect it and get unreasonable about it right?
so yesterday I was getting hungry before I left work, and I had run out of food. Today I decided to add a kefir smoothie to my morning. But with out fruit, it was down right pathetic. I put a little heavy whipping cream in there for some extra fat hoping that would compensate for the lack of fruit, along with some cinnamon and cardamom. Yup, as expected it was not yummy. I do not like yogurt and yogurt like products with out fruit or sugar. but I was able to drink it. I had the two eggs with onions and peppers and spinach cooked in bacon fat and some cheese. With some soaked oatmeal (with goji berries, they were already a part of the oatmeal) for a mid morning snack - well ok at 11am. It's now 1:20 and I'm jonsing for food again. actually I started wanting something right after the oatmeal. Full and scrounging. I avoided the sugarless gum for about half an hour but my mouth said "SOMETHING NEW!!" so I gave in. I'm hoping I can train my body to only want to chew or taste something at meal times, which I think would be HUGE. If nothing else came of this, I'd be thrilled.
212.5 again this morning (older scale said 211.5 but that thing is unreliable) But again, this is not a weight loss diet.. just keeping track.
Lunch is the remainder of the ragu I made (beef w/ fat, tomato sauce, pumpkin, Kale, onions, peppers garlic) and brown rice and cheese. Yesterday I had the same, and I split it over two meals because I was full in the first one and I ate early enough that I had a feeling I'd want more before I left work, which I did, and still I wanted more.
Yesterday for dinner I ended up having half a bunch of bok choi cooked with onions/peppers/garlic and some braggs amino acids and some cheese. Put it over lentils - and I didn't like the lentils at all. They were precooked from Trader Joe. I liked the other package I got from them (different type) but not this one. I also got some precooked chicken breast from TJ which was surprisingly good and tasty. Ingredients were very simple and it was unflavored, so I went for it.
Tonight I'm going to attempt to make soup with those chicken thighs.. I've made soup in the past and it comes out horridly bland. Will need to stop at the grocery store tonight and will need to look up a recipe this afternoon.
Had a huge "discussion" with DH. He makes dinner for us, and I explained on Sunday it was just meat and green veggies. We didn't have any meat in the fridge he could use (I have chicken thighs, but I"m going to make a soup out of them) so you'd have to go out and buy something or thaw the chicken breast we have in the storage freezer. So Monday he decided to make the orange chicken, which does not fall under the no sugar no PUSFA rule which I explained to him ("but it is meat" lamented DH). So Monday night I tried to be as crystal clear as possible, and made him repeat to me that he needed to either "thaw out the chicken breast we have in the freezer or buy something new"
So Tuesday I came home to his trying to cook my chicken thighs. *sigh*
DH is sweet as all get out, but he absolutely positively can not learn to listen to every single solitary word I say, and for the past few years, these have been pretty much the only fights we've had. When I've asked him to do something, and it goes in one ear and out the other, or he half listens to me (making me meat, but not plain or not from the freezer or something he bought) I had such a frustrating day at work fending off sugar cravings that I wanted to hit him, and not in a good way.
I really don't know how to get him to understand things. He has no idea how to get me to understand things. What I don't get though is how he is functional out in the world. He holds down a good job, and is well loved there. So how come he can function there but can't listen to me? I believe him when he says he loves me and he cares, because if I can get him to automate what I need from him, then it gets done. Maybe that's it, maybe his work is 90% automation??? arrgh.
So after about 45 minutes of my trying to figure out how to talk to him so he'll listen, and asking him to figure out a way (usually when I ask him to figure something out, he doesn't. Don't know if he can't, or forgets) to remember things that I tell him are *IMPORTANT* (which I rarely do. Most things are if you could, and if he doesn't in a reasonable amount of time, I simply make him a list) He was asking that maybe I could email him and remind him, but honestly I do not want to treat him like he is five years old. If he needs an email to remind him, then he can email himself. he's 41 years old.. *sigh* but I do love and appreciate most of him.. and if this is my biggest complaint, I should just shut the hell up right? (hey, no reason I can't work for perfection, just so long as I don't expect it and get unreasonable about it right?
so yesterday I was getting hungry before I left work, and I had run out of food. Today I decided to add a kefir smoothie to my morning. But with out fruit, it was down right pathetic. I put a little heavy whipping cream in there for some extra fat hoping that would compensate for the lack of fruit, along with some cinnamon and cardamom. Yup, as expected it was not yummy. I do not like yogurt and yogurt like products with out fruit or sugar. but I was able to drink it. I had the two eggs with onions and peppers and spinach cooked in bacon fat and some cheese. With some soaked oatmeal (with goji berries, they were already a part of the oatmeal) for a mid morning snack - well ok at 11am. It's now 1:20 and I'm jonsing for food again. actually I started wanting something right after the oatmeal. Full and scrounging. I avoided the sugarless gum for about half an hour but my mouth said "SOMETHING NEW!!" so I gave in. I'm hoping I can train my body to only want to chew or taste something at meal times, which I think would be HUGE. If nothing else came of this, I'd be thrilled.
212.5 again this morning (older scale said 211.5 but that thing is unreliable) But again, this is not a weight loss diet.. just keeping track.
Lunch is the remainder of the ragu I made (beef w/ fat, tomato sauce, pumpkin, Kale, onions, peppers garlic) and brown rice and cheese. Yesterday I had the same, and I split it over two meals because I was full in the first one and I ate early enough that I had a feeling I'd want more before I left work, which I did, and still I wanted more.
Yesterday for dinner I ended up having half a bunch of bok choi cooked with onions/peppers/garlic and some braggs amino acids and some cheese. Put it over lentils - and I didn't like the lentils at all. They were precooked from Trader Joe. I liked the other package I got from them (different type) but not this one. I also got some precooked chicken breast from TJ which was surprisingly good and tasty. Ingredients were very simple and it was unflavored, so I went for it.
Tonight I'm going to attempt to make soup with those chicken thighs.. I've made soup in the past and it comes out horridly bland. Will need to stop at the grocery store tonight and will need to look up a recipe this afternoon.
11.02.2010
Day one
Ok, so day one was a "fail" - although that is a pretty strict term isn't it. Lets just call it a rough start.
I ate a few things on my own that were in the "lets not" category, and when I got home, DH hadn't listened to me and wanted to make orange chicken for dinner... covered with a sugary orange sauce and breaded.. *sigh* and in not listening to me, he hadn't picked up anything more appropriate nor had he thawed out any chicken we had in the freezer. So I decided to not stress over it and eat the orange chicken (since I already planned to finish off the pumpkin tart we bought last week so I didn't shove it down my gullet on Sunday)
So probably no where near the 90% day I planned on, but hey, starting a new eating plan is almost never easy (unless you are doing the see-food diet)
Today is rife with temptations too. I went and voted and there was a bake sale with whoopie pies (yes, I bought) and a co-worker went and voted and picked up goodies for the office, and those darn french truffles are still here.
And it is very annoying when I get the urge to eat something to have to constantly ask myself "are you hungry". Most of the time the answer is no... my mouth just wants something different tasting, because that is what it is used to.
Weight this morning was 212.5. This isn't a weight loss diet - although I'd be thrilled if I did. This is a restore my body so it will be well nourished and will work properly diet. and hopefully that working properly thing will include shedding unnecessary weight.. I am prepared to start gaining since I'm not restricting my calories, and I'm eating when ever I'm hungry (and lots of fats - way more then I've been used to) It will be a fair trade if I start feeling human again.
I ate a few things on my own that were in the "lets not" category, and when I got home, DH hadn't listened to me and wanted to make orange chicken for dinner... covered with a sugary orange sauce and breaded.. *sigh* and in not listening to me, he hadn't picked up anything more appropriate nor had he thawed out any chicken we had in the freezer. So I decided to not stress over it and eat the orange chicken (since I already planned to finish off the pumpkin tart we bought last week so I didn't shove it down my gullet on Sunday)
So probably no where near the 90% day I planned on, but hey, starting a new eating plan is almost never easy (unless you are doing the see-food diet)
Today is rife with temptations too. I went and voted and there was a bake sale with whoopie pies (yes, I bought) and a co-worker went and voted and picked up goodies for the office, and those darn french truffles are still here.
And it is very annoying when I get the urge to eat something to have to constantly ask myself "are you hungry". Most of the time the answer is no... my mouth just wants something different tasting, because that is what it is used to.
Weight this morning was 212.5. This isn't a weight loss diet - although I'd be thrilled if I did. This is a restore my body so it will be well nourished and will work properly diet. and hopefully that working properly thing will include shedding unnecessary weight.. I am prepared to start gaining since I'm not restricting my calories, and I'm eating when ever I'm hungry (and lots of fats - way more then I've been used to) It will be a fair trade if I start feeling human again.
11.01.2010
day one fail
Yes, I am an all or nothing kind of girl. But at least I can accept the fail and move on.
SO far I've already had two (small) pieces of chocolate. One was a french truffle (OMG YUM!! I know what I want for Christmas) the other was a bit off a dark chocolate bar (High cocoa % so technically very little sugar in it, but yet there is still sugar)
all I can think of today is that story about the jar full of rocks. You know the one where the professor brings a jar into a class and fills it up with really big rocks and asks the kids if the jar is full. They all say yes, and he then puts in some smaller rocks, asks again, they say yes again, he puts in some pebbles, asks again yes again, and he pours in sand, ask/yes, then pours in water.
I'm full. My stomach is saying, "we're good!, no need to send down anything else" the mouth is screaming for something else though. I'm trying to stay away from sugarless gum and what not, hoping in a few days this constant need to nosh regardless of what my stomach is saying will go away.
Does my white tea count though? Should I have saved this for a meal? *shrug*
SO far I've already had two (small) pieces of chocolate. One was a french truffle (OMG YUM!! I know what I want for Christmas) the other was a bit off a dark chocolate bar (High cocoa % so technically very little sugar in it, but yet there is still sugar)
all I can think of today is that story about the jar full of rocks. You know the one where the professor brings a jar into a class and fills it up with really big rocks and asks the kids if the jar is full. They all say yes, and he then puts in some smaller rocks, asks again, they say yes again, he puts in some pebbles, asks again yes again, and he pours in sand, ask/yes, then pours in water.
I'm full. My stomach is saying, "we're good!, no need to send down anything else" the mouth is screaming for something else though. I'm trying to stay away from sugarless gum and what not, hoping in a few days this constant need to nosh regardless of what my stomach is saying will go away.
Does my white tea count though? Should I have saved this for a meal? *shrug*
trying something new
as you can tell, I'm trying something new (how can you tell? I'm posting on my blog.. lol)
So I'm still gaining weight (sorta - I've been 210 for quite some time, and currently due to some Halloween snacking I was 213 the other day) I'm still tired as all get out, and I'm still exercising every day 40 minutes almost every day, and eating under 2000 calories. I plan 1200-1400 calorie meal plan, and I end up having a bite of this or a bit of that. According to the "experts" I should be 150 by now.. and I'm not.
I should have energy and feel good, but I don't. (and yes, my thyroid is fine according to the multitude of blood work)
I went and had my annual on Friday. I talked to my dr about it and showed her the "thyroid support" supplement I'm taking that helps me get through my day. She recommended I go see someone else, so I'm waiting for a referal.
She looked up the info from the last specialist she sent me to. I didn't like him at all. All he had for me was surgery - which does not make any sense at all since I did lose the weight in the first place. There has got to be a dysfunction going on somewhere, and it absolutely is not that I'm eating too much, and I am NOT a fan of having part of my body removed not knowing that this is where the dysfunction is. I had my hormone levels checked, and my testosterone was very low (but just barely on the "normal" side of things) and I asked about supplementing it, and he said no, I didn't want that cause I'd turn into a guy (ok so that isn't what he said, he said I'd lose my hair and grow facial hair etc, side effect issues) well the report he sent my doctor said he wouldn't recommend high dose testosterone supplementation. I didn't ask for high dose supplementation, I simply asked about supplementing it!! arrgh. What an old friggen fart! (and yes, he was old, and he was friggen annoying on more then one level)
so anyway.. what is a extremely tired and cold girl to do now that the heat wave that was this summer is over? I've started reading several blogs about alternative nutrition (for lack of a better term) these blogs believe in soaking grains before eating them to (forgive me for bad paraphrasing) get rid of the anti-nutrients, as well as believe in eating all those things demonized by weight loss "gurus" such as full fat unpasturized milk, raw cheese, meats, fats, lard, bone broth (ok maybe not so much that one being demonized, but I've not heard it recommended as part of a healthy diet before) and organs.
So there are a few things I refuse to eat, and organs are one of them. I am not a fan of eating meat in general, but once it is all processed I can do it. So for the "I've tried everything else, what the hell" factor, I'm trying this new thing, eat anything you want save for polyunsaturated fats (vegetable oils) and fructose (fruit and most sweetened things) when ever you are hungry. The thought is that my body is starving for nutrients I haven't been giving it - which makes sense, as I said, I'm not a huge meat eater, I often have to remind myself to eat healthy fats and the such.
The kicker is that PUSFA is in almost everything premade. So cooking is going to be an integral part of this little experiment. I'm not a fan of cooking, mostly because I do not clean, and DH is pretty lazy about it, so having enough dishes to cook on and counter space to cook with is at a premium. But I figure if I cook once every couple of days, it shouldn't be so bad. In that vain, last night I made a ragu with beef, onions, peppers, garlic, pumpkin puree and kale. I made it a while back and it was yummo. I'm going to eat it with some brown rice (I'm going to try eating the ragu warm and the rice cold to take advantage of resistance starch) Breakfast consisted of two eggs scrambled with some heavy cream, some onions and peppers and spinach with some full fat aged cheddar cheese. I wasn't hungry when I made it so I packed it up and brought it to work - which wasn't the best idea. Eggs need to be eaten hot... so I'm not sure how often I'll be eating that.
I brought some oatmeal w/coconut oil cinnamon and cardamon and macadamia nuts for a possible afternoon snack (or possibly a morning snack but since it is now almost 11 AM, it isn't looking like I'm going to eat it now) and I did make some coconut oil fudge, which was not all that good. I made it with peanutbutter last time, but since that contains PUSFA, I made chocolate this time. Trying not to include too much sugar, cocoa and oil does not make a good snack. I threw in a little maple syrup which helped.
I need to remind myself this isn't about eating yummy, but eating healthy in a yummy way.
To which end, I baked some bacon (for DH, as I am not a fan of real bacon myself) and use the drippings to roast some brussels sprouts which were really good, and some baby potatoes which also showed up in today's lunch as yet another possible snack - since I am supposed to eat when ever I am hungry.
Only problem with this scenario, is that my body often SCREAMS for sugary stuff despite being full. Last night I was quite full, but I was able to shove down four cinnamon buns (cause they were "halloweened" by changing the frosting from white to orange.. yes I'm a sucker for marketing) I am hoping that by feeding it whole and wholesome foods that the screaming for sugar will subside - ok I'm hoping it will stop by I am not delusional. I'm hoping the "fudge" i have will ease that if it gets too strong.
The other part of this experiment is to stop exercising. The point of this is to give my body a rest from all the stress of not getting enough nutrients and exercising so much. (I personally don't think I've been exercising 'too much', but exercising is stress on the body, and the ideal is complete bed rest while doing this, so I'm all for not getting up an hour earlier each morning)
Seems so counter intuitive, but hey, not eating sugar and refined carbs (even if they were low fat and low calorie) has got to do my body good.
If I lose weight, I'll be shocked. If I maintain, I'll be surprised. If I feel better, I'll be so glad.
I'm not expecting anything but to eat good healthy food and gain weight. as I said, we'll see.
(I'm weighing tomorrow, and we'll see how this goes. It should be a month, but I've definitely committed to a week, mostly because eating unprocessed foods can be so incredibly time consuming and space consuming. Keeping all this food fresh and available is not going to be easy)
So I'm still gaining weight (sorta - I've been 210 for quite some time, and currently due to some Halloween snacking I was 213 the other day) I'm still tired as all get out, and I'm still exercising every day 40 minutes almost every day, and eating under 2000 calories. I plan 1200-1400 calorie meal plan, and I end up having a bite of this or a bit of that. According to the "experts" I should be 150 by now.. and I'm not.
I should have energy and feel good, but I don't. (and yes, my thyroid is fine according to the multitude of blood work)
I went and had my annual on Friday. I talked to my dr about it and showed her the "thyroid support" supplement I'm taking that helps me get through my day. She recommended I go see someone else, so I'm waiting for a referal.
She looked up the info from the last specialist she sent me to. I didn't like him at all. All he had for me was surgery - which does not make any sense at all since I did lose the weight in the first place. There has got to be a dysfunction going on somewhere, and it absolutely is not that I'm eating too much, and I am NOT a fan of having part of my body removed not knowing that this is where the dysfunction is. I had my hormone levels checked, and my testosterone was very low (but just barely on the "normal" side of things) and I asked about supplementing it, and he said no, I didn't want that cause I'd turn into a guy (ok so that isn't what he said, he said I'd lose my hair and grow facial hair etc, side effect issues) well the report he sent my doctor said he wouldn't recommend high dose testosterone supplementation. I didn't ask for high dose supplementation, I simply asked about supplementing it!! arrgh. What an old friggen fart! (and yes, he was old, and he was friggen annoying on more then one level)
so anyway.. what is a extremely tired and cold girl to do now that the heat wave that was this summer is over? I've started reading several blogs about alternative nutrition (for lack of a better term) these blogs believe in soaking grains before eating them to (forgive me for bad paraphrasing) get rid of the anti-nutrients, as well as believe in eating all those things demonized by weight loss "gurus" such as full fat unpasturized milk, raw cheese, meats, fats, lard, bone broth (ok maybe not so much that one being demonized, but I've not heard it recommended as part of a healthy diet before) and organs.
So there are a few things I refuse to eat, and organs are one of them. I am not a fan of eating meat in general, but once it is all processed I can do it. So for the "I've tried everything else, what the hell" factor, I'm trying this new thing, eat anything you want save for polyunsaturated fats (vegetable oils) and fructose (fruit and most sweetened things) when ever you are hungry. The thought is that my body is starving for nutrients I haven't been giving it - which makes sense, as I said, I'm not a huge meat eater, I often have to remind myself to eat healthy fats and the such.
The kicker is that PUSFA is in almost everything premade. So cooking is going to be an integral part of this little experiment. I'm not a fan of cooking, mostly because I do not clean, and DH is pretty lazy about it, so having enough dishes to cook on and counter space to cook with is at a premium. But I figure if I cook once every couple of days, it shouldn't be so bad. In that vain, last night I made a ragu with beef, onions, peppers, garlic, pumpkin puree and kale. I made it a while back and it was yummo. I'm going to eat it with some brown rice (I'm going to try eating the ragu warm and the rice cold to take advantage of resistance starch) Breakfast consisted of two eggs scrambled with some heavy cream, some onions and peppers and spinach with some full fat aged cheddar cheese. I wasn't hungry when I made it so I packed it up and brought it to work - which wasn't the best idea. Eggs need to be eaten hot... so I'm not sure how often I'll be eating that.
I brought some oatmeal w/coconut oil cinnamon and cardamon and macadamia nuts for a possible afternoon snack (or possibly a morning snack but since it is now almost 11 AM, it isn't looking like I'm going to eat it now) and I did make some coconut oil fudge, which was not all that good. I made it with peanutbutter last time, but since that contains PUSFA, I made chocolate this time. Trying not to include too much sugar, cocoa and oil does not make a good snack. I threw in a little maple syrup which helped.
I need to remind myself this isn't about eating yummy, but eating healthy in a yummy way.
To which end, I baked some bacon (for DH, as I am not a fan of real bacon myself) and use the drippings to roast some brussels sprouts which were really good, and some baby potatoes which also showed up in today's lunch as yet another possible snack - since I am supposed to eat when ever I am hungry.
Only problem with this scenario, is that my body often SCREAMS for sugary stuff despite being full. Last night I was quite full, but I was able to shove down four cinnamon buns (cause they were "halloweened" by changing the frosting from white to orange.. yes I'm a sucker for marketing) I am hoping that by feeding it whole and wholesome foods that the screaming for sugar will subside - ok I'm hoping it will stop by I am not delusional. I'm hoping the "fudge" i have will ease that if it gets too strong.
The other part of this experiment is to stop exercising. The point of this is to give my body a rest from all the stress of not getting enough nutrients and exercising so much. (I personally don't think I've been exercising 'too much', but exercising is stress on the body, and the ideal is complete bed rest while doing this, so I'm all for not getting up an hour earlier each morning)
Seems so counter intuitive, but hey, not eating sugar and refined carbs (even if they were low fat and low calorie) has got to do my body good.
If I lose weight, I'll be shocked. If I maintain, I'll be surprised. If I feel better, I'll be so glad.
I'm not expecting anything but to eat good healthy food and gain weight. as I said, we'll see.
(I'm weighing tomorrow, and we'll see how this goes. It should be a month, but I've definitely committed to a week, mostly because eating unprocessed foods can be so incredibly time consuming and space consuming. Keeping all this food fresh and available is not going to be easy)
9.29.2010
Avatar the movie
Well I finally did it. I broke down and watched Avatar. I have to say, I hated it even more then I suspected I would.
Granted, it was a beautifully shot flick. On my non premium flat screen HiDef TV and plain ol DVD player, I could easily see where several things were CGI'd but on the whole it was quite beautiful.
But there was many a spot where I found myself thinking, he did this simply because he could do this. Made me think of the classic line of Jurassic Park "just because you could do it, doesn't mean you should" several scenes were just way too long, and had I been by myself instead of watching with my hubby, I would have forwarded the living daylights out of the film.
I liked the love story. The assimilation into the tribe. I like the research people and what they were trying to accomplish. I couldn't help but wonder how on earth the clones already had braided hair, and several other little things (like when they "mated for life" what on earth he was thinking, cause how is he supposed to live like that and who was going to pay for him to continue to be beamed into his avatar!!)
But what made me hate (and yes, hate in the true sense of the word) was how the mining company was portrayed. What human being in the world is going to eradicate a sentient race. Move, yes, I can see that, didn't much like it, but I could see it. But when they started amassing an army and other clans came to the aid and started a war, at that point why did almost no one say "um, wait a minute"
Now granted, we have many a culture that believes in genocide, but for the most part they are not ex US military (which is what these guys were implied to be) and most of the human race will not stand for genocide when it does occur.
Could this movie have been redeemed and still kept the great fight sequence that I'm sure they put in there to lure in the younger male crowd? probably not. It is a shame that such a great opportunity for many life lessons to be told in a epic movie type of way was such a horrible mess.
I'm sorry I wasted my time on it.
Granted, it was a beautifully shot flick. On my non premium flat screen HiDef TV and plain ol DVD player, I could easily see where several things were CGI'd but on the whole it was quite beautiful.
But there was many a spot where I found myself thinking, he did this simply because he could do this. Made me think of the classic line of Jurassic Park "just because you could do it, doesn't mean you should" several scenes were just way too long, and had I been by myself instead of watching with my hubby, I would have forwarded the living daylights out of the film.
I liked the love story. The assimilation into the tribe. I like the research people and what they were trying to accomplish. I couldn't help but wonder how on earth the clones already had braided hair, and several other little things (like when they "mated for life" what on earth he was thinking, cause how is he supposed to live like that and who was going to pay for him to continue to be beamed into his avatar!!)
But what made me hate (and yes, hate in the true sense of the word) was how the mining company was portrayed. What human being in the world is going to eradicate a sentient race. Move, yes, I can see that, didn't much like it, but I could see it. But when they started amassing an army and other clans came to the aid and started a war, at that point why did almost no one say "um, wait a minute"
Now granted, we have many a culture that believes in genocide, but for the most part they are not ex US military (which is what these guys were implied to be) and most of the human race will not stand for genocide when it does occur.
Could this movie have been redeemed and still kept the great fight sequence that I'm sure they put in there to lure in the younger male crowd? probably not. It is a shame that such a great opportunity for many life lessons to be told in a epic movie type of way was such a horrible mess.
I'm sorry I wasted my time on it.
8.09.2010
Acupuncture for weight loss
Been a long time since I talked about my weight. Mostly because no matter what I do it goes up. I also get frustrated with that and eat more.. I went to the dr about it, I bought a arm band device that measured my calorie burn and kept track of every calorie I ate (300-500 calorie deficit every friggen day) I had my blood drawn more times then I care to remember (of course more then once is more then I care to remember but still) and everything came back "normal". But yet over the course of three years I've put on 30lbs. I have clothes I can't wear any more. It kills me. it actually kills a little piece of my soul every time I get on the scale or try to put on an article of clothing I used to fit into.
I swear, I am trying (ok not recently, but up until recently (and by recently I mean a few weeks before acupuncture)) eating right, eating my fruits and veggies and whole grains, lean proteins, etc. Exercising at LEAST 40 minutes a day.. every damn day.. it is not right.
The weight came on in clumps. You know that night you go out and have pizza and the next morning you put on three pounds. YOU know it is just water weight and it will disappear, well mine wouldn't. If I wasn't exacting with my diet pop came the pounds. Getting them off was a lesson in how NOT to diet. I'd have to cut back to barely 1200 calories and exercise like a crazy person. I knew it wasn't right nor was it healthy. There has GOT to be a reason why this weight is holding on to me like a child to it's mother in a flood. I was getting to the point where I was going to go and insist my dr put me on thyroid medication... i'm still not 100% sure I'm not going to do that, but a few weeks ago I saw a news segment about acupuncture for weight loss.
Since I've seen what acupuncture can do (a friend goes regularly, and I see a vet who does it and I've seen results on pets first hand) I thought I'd give it a shot. Worst that could happen would be I would have one more thing I tried that didn't work.
First day was a bit of a disappointment. K was kind enough to squeeze me in first thing in the morning, but then scheduled herself to be at an appointment 3/4 way through what the first session should have been (I was told the first appointment was 2 hours and it was barely an hour and a half) I was surprised at how little I felt the needles (except the one in my wrist which caused my fingers to go numb, and when I tried to restore blood by moving my hand hurt like crazy) She also did cupping on my back that left HUGE red marks down either side of my spine. She told me I would feel emotional, but I really didn't. I left the first appointment with a huge craving for steak and for eggs. I had eggs for dinner, and steak the next. But my sugar cravings were through the roof. I couldn't stop myself from walking to the kitchen to get *something* I was eating the dregs of the kitchen. I even ended up buying Twinkies (although they were the strawberry flavored ones and I was quite curious how they would taste - I tried the banana ones back when they were released) which is a HUGE sign my cravings are out of control because I don't much like Twinkies (which is so odd, as they seem to have everything that I like in other sweets.. but still)
Second visit, I explained I didn't feel much different save for the steak, eggs, sugar cravings and some pretty long lasting constipation (oh such a fun topic! I don't mind talking about it, but I feel that who ever I am talking about it to really doesn't want to hear it and over coming that is kind of difficult) So the second time she was a little more "aggressive" in the digestive tract. She did the cupping again, and a few days later when I had the courage to look at my back I was clear. Looking at two long hickey marks on your back is a little disconcerting, and a bit of a concern when dressing to make sure they don't show as I so did not want to explain it :D
Well this one hit home. I felt like my digestive tract was moving pebbles from my stomach on down for two days (and oddly enough a little today - six days later) the sugar cravings were a bit more manageable and I felt myself wanting healthy options for dinner - when usually I have to talk myself into them. When you boil it all down, I felt horribly STUCK before this, and I think I can feel myself slowly working myself out of it. I'm not amused at the cost, but if it gets me moving (in so many different areas in my life) it will be worth it. I've also been pretty emotional this week. I've been feeling a huge sense of loss. Not so much grieving, but just that ache of loss.
I am not expecting miracles, and I'm not getting any, because despite feeling better this week by a few degrees, the scale went up two more pounds. I though I would change up my exercise yesterday and walked on my treadmill instead of rebounding. I started rebounding a few years ago, because my arm band told me it burned way more calories and I was way less taxed by it but I do believe the body needs to be taxed with new exercises every once in a while. So I walked for 45 minutes and pulled a muscle in my leg. Not quite sure how it happened as I only really noticed it when I got off.
I was afraid it would impede my work out this morning, but I did get it in (rebounding as walking did hurt) but I got through it. Not vigorous, but adequate.
Now I'm at work, biding my time. I so do not want to be here. *sigh* Not that I don't like my job, just some days it is so hard to sit in the cold office when it is such a nice warm day (and I am so drawn to the heat) I've been putting off going to get the mail until the mid day so I'd get the most of the heat and sunshine, which is about now..
On a side note, I was having an emotional morning. So I grabbed my Llama (I own a stuffed llama that is about the size of a beanie baby that is very cute and makes me smile) and off to work I went. My convertible top was down, so I just threw my work stuff on the passenger seat and off I went. While I was driving, I looked over and Llama was on the seat facing forward, sitting upright, wind blowing through the fur. It was just the cutest thing and so adorable I couldn't help but laugh out loud. I so wished I had a camera at the time.
I swear, I am trying (ok not recently, but up until recently (and by recently I mean a few weeks before acupuncture)) eating right, eating my fruits and veggies and whole grains, lean proteins, etc. Exercising at LEAST 40 minutes a day.. every damn day.. it is not right.
The weight came on in clumps. You know that night you go out and have pizza and the next morning you put on three pounds. YOU know it is just water weight and it will disappear, well mine wouldn't. If I wasn't exacting with my diet pop came the pounds. Getting them off was a lesson in how NOT to diet. I'd have to cut back to barely 1200 calories and exercise like a crazy person. I knew it wasn't right nor was it healthy. There has GOT to be a reason why this weight is holding on to me like a child to it's mother in a flood. I was getting to the point where I was going to go and insist my dr put me on thyroid medication... i'm still not 100% sure I'm not going to do that, but a few weeks ago I saw a news segment about acupuncture for weight loss.
Since I've seen what acupuncture can do (a friend goes regularly, and I see a vet who does it and I've seen results on pets first hand) I thought I'd give it a shot. Worst that could happen would be I would have one more thing I tried that didn't work.
First day was a bit of a disappointment. K was kind enough to squeeze me in first thing in the morning, but then scheduled herself to be at an appointment 3/4 way through what the first session should have been (I was told the first appointment was 2 hours and it was barely an hour and a half) I was surprised at how little I felt the needles (except the one in my wrist which caused my fingers to go numb, and when I tried to restore blood by moving my hand hurt like crazy) She also did cupping on my back that left HUGE red marks down either side of my spine. She told me I would feel emotional, but I really didn't. I left the first appointment with a huge craving for steak and for eggs. I had eggs for dinner, and steak the next. But my sugar cravings were through the roof. I couldn't stop myself from walking to the kitchen to get *something* I was eating the dregs of the kitchen. I even ended up buying Twinkies (although they were the strawberry flavored ones and I was quite curious how they would taste - I tried the banana ones back when they were released) which is a HUGE sign my cravings are out of control because I don't much like Twinkies (which is so odd, as they seem to have everything that I like in other sweets.. but still)
Second visit, I explained I didn't feel much different save for the steak, eggs, sugar cravings and some pretty long lasting constipation (oh such a fun topic! I don't mind talking about it, but I feel that who ever I am talking about it to really doesn't want to hear it and over coming that is kind of difficult) So the second time she was a little more "aggressive" in the digestive tract. She did the cupping again, and a few days later when I had the courage to look at my back I was clear. Looking at two long hickey marks on your back is a little disconcerting, and a bit of a concern when dressing to make sure they don't show as I so did not want to explain it :D
Well this one hit home. I felt like my digestive tract was moving pebbles from my stomach on down for two days (and oddly enough a little today - six days later) the sugar cravings were a bit more manageable and I felt myself wanting healthy options for dinner - when usually I have to talk myself into them. When you boil it all down, I felt horribly STUCK before this, and I think I can feel myself slowly working myself out of it. I'm not amused at the cost, but if it gets me moving (in so many different areas in my life) it will be worth it. I've also been pretty emotional this week. I've been feeling a huge sense of loss. Not so much grieving, but just that ache of loss.
I am not expecting miracles, and I'm not getting any, because despite feeling better this week by a few degrees, the scale went up two more pounds. I though I would change up my exercise yesterday and walked on my treadmill instead of rebounding. I started rebounding a few years ago, because my arm band told me it burned way more calories and I was way less taxed by it but I do believe the body needs to be taxed with new exercises every once in a while. So I walked for 45 minutes and pulled a muscle in my leg. Not quite sure how it happened as I only really noticed it when I got off.
I was afraid it would impede my work out this morning, but I did get it in (rebounding as walking did hurt) but I got through it. Not vigorous, but adequate.
Now I'm at work, biding my time. I so do not want to be here. *sigh* Not that I don't like my job, just some days it is so hard to sit in the cold office when it is such a nice warm day (and I am so drawn to the heat) I've been putting off going to get the mail until the mid day so I'd get the most of the heat and sunshine, which is about now..
On a side note, I was having an emotional morning. So I grabbed my Llama (I own a stuffed llama that is about the size of a beanie baby that is very cute and makes me smile) and off to work I went. My convertible top was down, so I just threw my work stuff on the passenger seat and off I went. While I was driving, I looked over and Llama was on the seat facing forward, sitting upright, wind blowing through the fur. It was just the cutest thing and so adorable I couldn't help but laugh out loud. I so wished I had a camera at the time.
Dream of my HSBF
I knew a girl in high school. She was my maid of honor, but I wasn't even in her wedding party when she got married just a few years after. Our friendship went just down hill from there mostly because she didn't even tell me that I wasn't going to be in the wedding, but made me ask. I've seen her randomly over the years since then but surprisingly I've seen her sister more (who I actually also liked very much)
The other day randomly her thank you note for the wedding gift I gave her appeared out of nowhere. It was just one of those things. We moved a desk, and I am sure it was in there and then it probably fell out and under the couch, and then a cat probably pulled it out, but it was just so odd.
Now my dream last night was she was divorced, and all too quickly she was remarrying someone else. It didn't feel like the marriage had anything to do with the divorce, but it was very quick, and had the feelings of someone throwing a quickie wedding. I was there the night before the wedding, talking to her, and talking about arrangements, and caring for the cat (for some reason I put a second can of cat food down on the cat's food.. such an odd thing, as she was never a pet person) but once again I was not part of this wedding, and once again I had to ask. I woke up before I responded to the slight, but it irritated me
I am sad our friendship didn't last, but I believe part of it was her upbringing. She, like my mother, was a firm believer in "success" and boyfriends that weren't on the "fast track" were tossed aside even if they were good guys. Unfortunately I really don't know her current husband, but from the random google searches I've done on her, she's gotten a few papers published and is some what of a known person in her field. I'm sure if I hadn't left college to get married and published she would have made more of an effort to stay in touch with me, but then again would that have been me, or just another contact? Yes, I'm cynical. but I think I've earned that with what I've put up with in the past.
The other day randomly her thank you note for the wedding gift I gave her appeared out of nowhere. It was just one of those things. We moved a desk, and I am sure it was in there and then it probably fell out and under the couch, and then a cat probably pulled it out, but it was just so odd.
Now my dream last night was she was divorced, and all too quickly she was remarrying someone else. It didn't feel like the marriage had anything to do with the divorce, but it was very quick, and had the feelings of someone throwing a quickie wedding. I was there the night before the wedding, talking to her, and talking about arrangements, and caring for the cat (for some reason I put a second can of cat food down on the cat's food.. such an odd thing, as she was never a pet person) but once again I was not part of this wedding, and once again I had to ask. I woke up before I responded to the slight, but it irritated me
I am sad our friendship didn't last, but I believe part of it was her upbringing. She, like my mother, was a firm believer in "success" and boyfriends that weren't on the "fast track" were tossed aside even if they were good guys. Unfortunately I really don't know her current husband, but from the random google searches I've done on her, she's gotten a few papers published and is some what of a known person in her field. I'm sure if I hadn't left college to get married and published she would have made more of an effort to stay in touch with me, but then again would that have been me, or just another contact? Yes, I'm cynical. but I think I've earned that with what I've put up with in the past.
7.20.2010
another GL dream
not sure why I'm doing this.. but I had another dream about GL. I am not sure if I was in the show, or driving by the set. But there were shots, and a huge explosion. I knew this was the finale and I wanted to remember everything..
and of course I remember that the dream was much more involved then this, but this is what the daylight has reduced it to.
and of course I remember that the dream was much more involved then this, but this is what the daylight has reduced it to.
7.18.2010
so sad - dentist
well I didn't blog about a recent change in my life. I had a dental appointment for a cleaning, and my dentist office didn't have a copy of the xrays I took recently (at a different dentist). I knew they had them, or at least at one point had. I went to a dentist in another city that offered the laser dental thingie. I HATE novicane with a passion, and the chance that a laser would allow me not to have it was so I had to try it - no matter how much I love my dentist.
But I didn't like it. the lasered tooth was airborne and I was smelling and tasting it for the rest of the day.
so I went back to my guy.
Then I had a tooth that felt like it was about to crack. He did some xrays and found a small cavity, and offered to fill it. Well that was the worst experience in my life. The novicane shots hurt like hell (one reason I love my dentist is because in the past I almost didn't feel them) and I was up to thee shots and I was still in pain when he was drilling. My face was in so much pain for the whole next six months. THe first week I was miserable - even the narcotics I had left over from the teeth being pulled didn't help. Even now I'm still fearful of chewing on those teeth.
So, I'm reluctant to say the least. I hate dental work to begin with, and with this recent experience all I wanted was a nice gentle cleaning and to go on my way. Well they couldn't find the xrays, and were insistant on them. Wouldn't do the cleaning with out them. So I walked out. Xrays hurt. It was a nice warm summer day and despite my wearing jeans and a shirt I wasn't dressed to hang out in the dental office which was airconditioned to the point where my fingernails were about to turn blue.
I get why they would want them, but to refuse to do a cleaning was inane. It wasn't like I was asking him to drill. It would be my own fault if there was a cavity brewing.
So this, along with the fact they closed and forgot to cancel my last cleaning and made me drive the hour up to them twice and now were telling me they were effectively doing the same thing.. Well I'm done. I don't care how good my dentist is, I can't deal with that, on top of the anxiety I face every time I drive that hour..
So now I need a new dentist. I'm waiting until it is no longer hot and airconditioning isn't the norm..
man I really hate this sort of thing. What part of you work for me makes you think you can treat me like this? yes,you have the knowledge I need, but that doesn't mean that you get to treat me poorly. You aren't the only dentist in the world - heck not even the only one in your city for goodness sakes.
But I didn't like it. the lasered tooth was airborne and I was smelling and tasting it for the rest of the day.
so I went back to my guy.
Then I had a tooth that felt like it was about to crack. He did some xrays and found a small cavity, and offered to fill it. Well that was the worst experience in my life. The novicane shots hurt like hell (one reason I love my dentist is because in the past I almost didn't feel them) and I was up to thee shots and I was still in pain when he was drilling. My face was in so much pain for the whole next six months. THe first week I was miserable - even the narcotics I had left over from the teeth being pulled didn't help. Even now I'm still fearful of chewing on those teeth.
So, I'm reluctant to say the least. I hate dental work to begin with, and with this recent experience all I wanted was a nice gentle cleaning and to go on my way. Well they couldn't find the xrays, and were insistant on them. Wouldn't do the cleaning with out them. So I walked out. Xrays hurt. It was a nice warm summer day and despite my wearing jeans and a shirt I wasn't dressed to hang out in the dental office which was airconditioned to the point where my fingernails were about to turn blue.
I get why they would want them, but to refuse to do a cleaning was inane. It wasn't like I was asking him to drill. It would be my own fault if there was a cavity brewing.
So this, along with the fact they closed and forgot to cancel my last cleaning and made me drive the hour up to them twice and now were telling me they were effectively doing the same thing.. Well I'm done. I don't care how good my dentist is, I can't deal with that, on top of the anxiety I face every time I drive that hour..
So now I need a new dentist. I'm waiting until it is no longer hot and airconditioning isn't the norm..
man I really hate this sort of thing. What part of you work for me makes you think you can treat me like this? yes,you have the knowledge I need, but that doesn't mean that you get to treat me poorly. You aren't the only dentist in the world - heck not even the only one in your city for goodness sakes.
Women Food and God
So I admit, I watch Oprah. I don't watch all of the shows, but if she is talking about something I think might be interesting, I watch. She's now on this kick of Women Food and God.
I think this is a very interesting idea, and I probably should buy the book and read it, but at the moment I'm just listening to the shows and reading a few articles on the website.
The general gist of what I've read is that women who area overweight are most likely overweight because they are eating when they are trying to fulfill a need that is not hunger. I admit that. I will eat when I am feeling things other then hunger.
Fortunately I'm mostly away from eating when I'm happy or in celebration. Granted I do buy something nice for birthdays or what not, but generally they are healthier options with just a small decadent treat at the end.
But what I am having a hard time with is eating over the uncomfortableness in my life. I do deal with depression. for the most part it isn't life altering, but it does make me very miserable to just uncomfortable. Eating over this chemical imbalance in my life is a quick fix, but it leads me to be uncomfortable in other areas (pants that are too tight, not fitting well into chairs with arms, having a hard time with physical activity) so now along with trying to remember to not medicate myself with food (which is what I'm doing when I try to alter my brain by feeding it) I am also trying to remind myself that eating to dissipate my uncomfortableness will only lead to uncomfortableness in the future, and I would rather feel mental uncomfortableness then physical.
This weekend I was feeling miserable. It was so bizarre because there was no reason for it. Everyone was healthy, everything was moving along nicely. I found some great deals on items I've been wanting to buy but I wanted to wait until I found deals on them. I bought a hutch for the kitchen area. I've been wanting to replace the cheepo Zares store hutch I bought 15+ yrs ago that was cheap to begin with. The few I've seen that would work were over 2,000$. I found one at Big Lots that will work nicely (not perfect, but does work) for under 500$ along with a nice blu-ray player to watch netflix. Anyway.. trying to figure out why I was miserable, felt like a pointless exercise. At this point I don't even really feel sad that I'm not eating cookies and cupcakes (although when I shop at a high end grocery store full of things I shouldn't/ don't want to (not can't) eat I get a little blue). So it was so odd to just sit there and be miserable. I couldn't talk myself out of it. I couldn't exercise my way out of it. I couldn't do much but just try to ignore it and go about my day... it was quite difficult to not reach for something that I knew would help ease it - food. I didn't do too badly until Sunday when we went to the movies and we bought an appetizer entree because we had a coupon. But then we went to a local festival and I didn't buy fair food, and we walked quite a bit.
so.. the point of this post? No idea. Guess I just wanted to give myself a small pat on the back for not giving in to the emotions that were trying to throw me off a cliff
I think this is a very interesting idea, and I probably should buy the book and read it, but at the moment I'm just listening to the shows and reading a few articles on the website.
The general gist of what I've read is that women who area overweight are most likely overweight because they are eating when they are trying to fulfill a need that is not hunger. I admit that. I will eat when I am feeling things other then hunger.
Fortunately I'm mostly away from eating when I'm happy or in celebration. Granted I do buy something nice for birthdays or what not, but generally they are healthier options with just a small decadent treat at the end.
But what I am having a hard time with is eating over the uncomfortableness in my life. I do deal with depression. for the most part it isn't life altering, but it does make me very miserable to just uncomfortable. Eating over this chemical imbalance in my life is a quick fix, but it leads me to be uncomfortable in other areas (pants that are too tight, not fitting well into chairs with arms, having a hard time with physical activity) so now along with trying to remember to not medicate myself with food (which is what I'm doing when I try to alter my brain by feeding it) I am also trying to remind myself that eating to dissipate my uncomfortableness will only lead to uncomfortableness in the future, and I would rather feel mental uncomfortableness then physical.
This weekend I was feeling miserable. It was so bizarre because there was no reason for it. Everyone was healthy, everything was moving along nicely. I found some great deals on items I've been wanting to buy but I wanted to wait until I found deals on them. I bought a hutch for the kitchen area. I've been wanting to replace the cheepo Zares store hutch I bought 15+ yrs ago that was cheap to begin with. The few I've seen that would work were over 2,000$. I found one at Big Lots that will work nicely (not perfect, but does work) for under 500$ along with a nice blu-ray player to watch netflix. Anyway.. trying to figure out why I was miserable, felt like a pointless exercise. At this point I don't even really feel sad that I'm not eating cookies and cupcakes (although when I shop at a high end grocery store full of things I shouldn't/ don't want to (not can't) eat I get a little blue). So it was so odd to just sit there and be miserable. I couldn't talk myself out of it. I couldn't exercise my way out of it. I couldn't do much but just try to ignore it and go about my day... it was quite difficult to not reach for something that I knew would help ease it - food. I didn't do too badly until Sunday when we went to the movies and we bought an appetizer entree because we had a coupon. But then we went to a local festival and I didn't buy fair food, and we walked quite a bit.
so.. the point of this post? No idea. Guess I just wanted to give myself a small pat on the back for not giving in to the emotions that were trying to throw me off a cliff
dream
This one started out with my checking into a hotel room that looked much like a hospital room. Two beds, two closets, a bath, etc. I took the bed closest to the door and put my stuff down and went out for dinner. I walked around, but I don't remember eating anything. I went back to my room, and the door was open. I was concerned, but walked in slowly. There was someone by the second bed folding clothes. I went into the bathroom and changed into evening clothes and watched a little tv. the tv was on, but it was mostly just background. I remember looking at it from time to time. I went out and was in the lobby where there was a party. I was with someone at this point (the someone from the room??) and we started socializing with fans and actors from the Canadian version of "Guiding Light" (which doesn't exist anywhere outside of this dream) the cast was mostly different from the American version, but they had a few actors playing the main character such as "Alan Spaulding". The gentleman playing Alan was trying but failing to be charming. Apparently I was there to find something on him to arrest or nab him on, and while he was bordering on being wrong, he wasn't crossing the line. My friend was poking me to get him, and he was about to walk off when I decided to fake my own death. I threw myself to the ground and played dead. He attended to me getting paramedics to help me. When they showed up they checked me out and realized I wasn't dead but apparently unconscious, and were attempting to figure out what was wrong when my friend went down too. The guy playing Alan was exasperated but wouldn't leave. They couldn't figure out what was going on.
then I was awake and Alan was being led off. I went outside and was in my home state of Maine. This is the weekend (in real life) that POTUS is visiting, and some how I was a part of that. We were trying to find look a likes for the family - not an easy task in one of the whitest states in the nation. We finally found the right four, but then we needed the dog. We were looking for a buddy look a like when I was so rudely awakened by my cat Jack who had found his favorite toy. He cries out like he is in a lot of pain or something when he finds it. Dealing with the dog in my dream then hearing that noise.. it put me immediately on alert. Wasn't a fun way to wake up.
then I was awake and Alan was being led off. I went outside and was in my home state of Maine. This is the weekend (in real life) that POTUS is visiting, and some how I was a part of that. We were trying to find look a likes for the family - not an easy task in one of the whitest states in the nation. We finally found the right four, but then we needed the dog. We were looking for a buddy look a like when I was so rudely awakened by my cat Jack who had found his favorite toy. He cries out like he is in a lot of pain or something when he finds it. Dealing with the dog in my dream then hearing that noise.. it put me immediately on alert. Wasn't a fun way to wake up.
6.18.2010
dream
I had a few odd dreams last night. One I was taking care of my skin. I have started massaging oils into my skin, but in my dream i was massaging cottage cheese into it.
the other dream was much longer and much more involved. It started out with a therapy session. I am not sure if I was the therapist or the client. There were gum paste like paper dolls. The pieces were a bit softer - almost like dry play doh. They were easily placed, but you could smoosh them into one another so they stuck.There were several different pieces for the face -the hair, the mouth, the eyes. The doll was riding a horse, but I didn't see the horse, just the front legs for it which were very thick and more stuffed toy horse like. I fixated on the legs, and then I ended up moving on. I went to the bathroom which was a really large shower. A spa like wood panneled room with benches and plants and flowers. I even think there was a small cat under one of the benches. I marveled in the room and was getting ready to take my clothes off when a number of very large men entered the front room - which was visable from the door to the shower. I readjusted my clotehs and went out to confront them, saying they had no right to be there that I was given this by a friend. They didn't care. They were acting like the mafia, and more and more men started streaming in. Most were very pissy and throwing around orders - which included removing me by force if necessary. One guy was more reasonable, and he called over the chef and they taked me into getting a barley and chive facial. I sat on a reclining chair like a dentist chair but not. They rubbed the facial on my face while talking about the benefits of the enzymes. While I let it sit on my face, I was aware I was out in a street festival. There were stands selling food near by and lots of people milling around. I got up and it was if the facial didn't happen as my face was clean. I looked around and saw a pie shop. It was in a corner shop, and the large windows let you view inside. There were cases that were stuffed full of pastries and cakes. The short amount of counter space was covered with plates of pieces of pies. The store was staffed with a large number of "old fashioned" women. Amish women, parire women and tv moms of the 50s. They came down the stairs carring pieces of pies. I looked up stairs, and it was a marvel. There was a turn table with cakes and pies and jello molds with candies in it. it was so large though, about the size of a large dinner table or bigger. The jello was also larger then life. after which I went home. I apparently moved into a new home and was still in the process of unpacking boxes and settling in. There was one room that I went into that was livable. DH was there and so were most of the cats. we were trying to go to sleep but then we realized that three of them were fixated on something so we wondered if we had "visitors" so I looked where they were gazing. I first saw the small black toy mouse they like playing with in real life, but behind it was a small black real mouse. I tried to catch it, but a cat got in the way and the mouse escaped. I saw a few others and were unable to catch them either. I saw a brown creature, and tried to catch it with a shoe box size and style box. But the bottom of the box was uneven, and it left gaps where it would escape. This thing was a mix between a squirrel / chipmunk / kitten and it was quick. It got out of the room, and ran around a corner, but I saw it stop in it's tracks before it fully got around the corner. I went to see why, and saw "F" my cat had stopped it in it's tracks by putting her paw on it's head. I was able to scoop the creature up in the box and headed toward the door. The reason I say it was part kitten because a few times it bit me trying to get me to let it go, but it felt very much like a young kitten nip. as I got to the door, I realized it was pouring. I felt a little bad, but I knew this creature belonged outside. I had to move a lot of boxes and junk to get to the door, and I got nipped a few more times trying to do it. I finally got the door open and let the creature go and it bounded through the rain across the yard. The yard was the place I grew up on, and the thing ran towards where the garden is. It ran over a little rise in the ground and I realized there was an animal there. I looked and it was a gray cat. I called to the kitty and it looked over to me. I called again, and then dozens of cat eyes looked at me. It broke my heart to see all those kitties out in the rain so I woke up
I woke up DH and told him I had a bad dream and about the kitties, and he was really sweet and "finished" the dream for me, he told me that if I hadn't woken up, I would have had all of the kitties come into the house and sit by the fireplace and eat warm food and take a nice nap.
the other dream was much longer and much more involved. It started out with a therapy session. I am not sure if I was the therapist or the client. There were gum paste like paper dolls. The pieces were a bit softer - almost like dry play doh. They were easily placed, but you could smoosh them into one another so they stuck.There were several different pieces for the face -the hair, the mouth, the eyes. The doll was riding a horse, but I didn't see the horse, just the front legs for it which were very thick and more stuffed toy horse like. I fixated on the legs, and then I ended up moving on. I went to the bathroom which was a really large shower. A spa like wood panneled room with benches and plants and flowers. I even think there was a small cat under one of the benches. I marveled in the room and was getting ready to take my clothes off when a number of very large men entered the front room - which was visable from the door to the shower. I readjusted my clotehs and went out to confront them, saying they had no right to be there that I was given this by a friend. They didn't care. They were acting like the mafia, and more and more men started streaming in. Most were very pissy and throwing around orders - which included removing me by force if necessary. One guy was more reasonable, and he called over the chef and they taked me into getting a barley and chive facial. I sat on a reclining chair like a dentist chair but not. They rubbed the facial on my face while talking about the benefits of the enzymes. While I let it sit on my face, I was aware I was out in a street festival. There were stands selling food near by and lots of people milling around. I got up and it was if the facial didn't happen as my face was clean. I looked around and saw a pie shop. It was in a corner shop, and the large windows let you view inside. There were cases that were stuffed full of pastries and cakes. The short amount of counter space was covered with plates of pieces of pies. The store was staffed with a large number of "old fashioned" women. Amish women, parire women and tv moms of the 50s. They came down the stairs carring pieces of pies. I looked up stairs, and it was a marvel. There was a turn table with cakes and pies and jello molds with candies in it. it was so large though, about the size of a large dinner table or bigger. The jello was also larger then life. after which I went home. I apparently moved into a new home and was still in the process of unpacking boxes and settling in. There was one room that I went into that was livable. DH was there and so were most of the cats. we were trying to go to sleep but then we realized that three of them were fixated on something so we wondered if we had "visitors" so I looked where they were gazing. I first saw the small black toy mouse they like playing with in real life, but behind it was a small black real mouse. I tried to catch it, but a cat got in the way and the mouse escaped. I saw a few others and were unable to catch them either. I saw a brown creature, and tried to catch it with a shoe box size and style box. But the bottom of the box was uneven, and it left gaps where it would escape. This thing was a mix between a squirrel / chipmunk / kitten and it was quick. It got out of the room, and ran around a corner, but I saw it stop in it's tracks before it fully got around the corner. I went to see why, and saw "F" my cat had stopped it in it's tracks by putting her paw on it's head. I was able to scoop the creature up in the box and headed toward the door. The reason I say it was part kitten because a few times it bit me trying to get me to let it go, but it felt very much like a young kitten nip. as I got to the door, I realized it was pouring. I felt a little bad, but I knew this creature belonged outside. I had to move a lot of boxes and junk to get to the door, and I got nipped a few more times trying to do it. I finally got the door open and let the creature go and it bounded through the rain across the yard. The yard was the place I grew up on, and the thing ran towards where the garden is. It ran over a little rise in the ground and I realized there was an animal there. I looked and it was a gray cat. I called to the kitty and it looked over to me. I called again, and then dozens of cat eyes looked at me. It broke my heart to see all those kitties out in the rain so I woke up
I woke up DH and told him I had a bad dream and about the kitties, and he was really sweet and "finished" the dream for me, he told me that if I hadn't woken up, I would have had all of the kitties come into the house and sit by the fireplace and eat warm food and take a nice nap.
5.28.2010
dream
I had two dreams yesterday that were really interesting, but for the life of me I can't remember them.
This morning I had a really cool dream that I'm losing pretty quickly.
The ending was very strong, and as I tried to remember the time line, I got the beginning, and now I'm losing the ending.
What I remember is that I was in a large school with Odie (a guy I knew in school) I hung out with him in middle school, but not in high school, so I'm tending to think this dream was about middle, but who knows.
We were at a computer, he was trying to get a program to download and was having a very hard time doing it. He had to go, and I was left looking at the screen when a teacher (my mother?) came over and offered to take over. With out waitng for my response she sat down and tried a few things and got it to download. She was quite pleased with herself. It took a while to download so she left.
when Odie showed up he was psyched that it was available for him. He wanted to run it and I was trying to be cautious and told him to wait and scan it first or something, but he didn't listen and went right ahead.
well it contained a pretty bad virus, and not only did it infect the computer but also Odie. At this point we were in a large cafeteria/auditorium and he was starting to call attention to himself. I was trying to protect him and it was getting harder and harder... this is where it is getting vague again. I'm pretty sure I jumped up on a table on a stage to do something.. beg for help? distraction?
oddly enough I just googled him. Looks like he got his life together. Last I heard he was floundering. so nice to see.
This morning I had a really cool dream that I'm losing pretty quickly.
The ending was very strong, and as I tried to remember the time line, I got the beginning, and now I'm losing the ending.
What I remember is that I was in a large school with Odie (a guy I knew in school) I hung out with him in middle school, but not in high school, so I'm tending to think this dream was about middle, but who knows.
We were at a computer, he was trying to get a program to download and was having a very hard time doing it. He had to go, and I was left looking at the screen when a teacher (my mother?) came over and offered to take over. With out waitng for my response she sat down and tried a few things and got it to download. She was quite pleased with herself. It took a while to download so she left.
when Odie showed up he was psyched that it was available for him. He wanted to run it and I was trying to be cautious and told him to wait and scan it first or something, but he didn't listen and went right ahead.
well it contained a pretty bad virus, and not only did it infect the computer but also Odie. At this point we were in a large cafeteria/auditorium and he was starting to call attention to himself. I was trying to protect him and it was getting harder and harder... this is where it is getting vague again. I'm pretty sure I jumped up on a table on a stage to do something.. beg for help? distraction?
oddly enough I just googled him. Looks like he got his life together. Last I heard he was floundering. so nice to see.
4.15.2010
grumble grumble
I haven't blogged in a while because I did not want to admit what I was seeing.
Before Easter I was not careful with my diet at all. Ok so I didn't jump off the binge bridge, but I was eating breads and cookies that weren't really fitting into my diet.
On the Monday after Easter I weighed 211!!
I decided to go on a no carb diet. Ok so that doesn't really explain what I decided. I was going to only eat fruits/vegetables and protein of some sort. But since I'm not all that into meat, I went with dairy for the most part for my protein..
You often hear of the elimination diets that say no wheat, no dairy, no refined sugars.. so while I sorta did that, I didn't.
I also ended up eating Oatmeal for breakfast.
So I was basically on a no wheat diet.
and almost immediately I lost six pounds.
Then I ended up having dinner out, and had some bread. And then I had some more. This time it was in the context of the diet, meaning I planned for the calories, but it didn't matter, I gained a few pounds.
Then I found out my cat had inoperable cancer, so I had a few cookies. I gained a few pounds..
So now I was so disappointed. But I think that I've finally cracked this diet thing of mine. I can't have wheat. Not that it does horrible things to me or anything, I don't think I'm allergic to it or anything (thank goodness) but it does seem to have a profound effect on my weight.
During this experiment my new scale decided to start weighing me six pounds less then I am. So at one point I actually got down to 198, which was so nice to see even if I knew it was a lie. I have yet to figure out why it does this, but I guess I don't really care. As long as I understand my scale is evil and plays pranks on me I can except it.
Before Easter I was not careful with my diet at all. Ok so I didn't jump off the binge bridge, but I was eating breads and cookies that weren't really fitting into my diet.
On the Monday after Easter I weighed 211!!
I decided to go on a no carb diet. Ok so that doesn't really explain what I decided. I was going to only eat fruits/vegetables and protein of some sort. But since I'm not all that into meat, I went with dairy for the most part for my protein..
You often hear of the elimination diets that say no wheat, no dairy, no refined sugars.. so while I sorta did that, I didn't.
I also ended up eating Oatmeal for breakfast.
So I was basically on a no wheat diet.
and almost immediately I lost six pounds.
Then I ended up having dinner out, and had some bread. And then I had some more. This time it was in the context of the diet, meaning I planned for the calories, but it didn't matter, I gained a few pounds.
Then I found out my cat had inoperable cancer, so I had a few cookies. I gained a few pounds..
So now I was so disappointed. But I think that I've finally cracked this diet thing of mine. I can't have wheat. Not that it does horrible things to me or anything, I don't think I'm allergic to it or anything (thank goodness) but it does seem to have a profound effect on my weight.
During this experiment my new scale decided to start weighing me six pounds less then I am. So at one point I actually got down to 198, which was so nice to see even if I knew it was a lie. I have yet to figure out why it does this, but I guess I don't really care. As long as I understand my scale is evil and plays pranks on me I can except it.
Oil Pulling
I heard about oil pulling when I was searching around for answers for my very sore teeth.
I recently had an issue with them. When ever I would bite down on one side it felt like it was going to crack, so I went to the dentist. He found a small cavity under a large filling and asked me if I wanted him to fill it. Well technically the answer is NO!!!! but I didn't much like the pain and the idea of my tooth cracking was pretty miserable so I said yes.
Well it went horribly. I have had some pretty horrific dental experiences in the past, but my current dentist has always amazed me. I don't know if he had an off day or this tooth is just a total pain, but he ended up giving me like 10 shots of Novocaine - I mean my eye lids were so numb I couldn't close my eye all the way for several hours. I got home and took one of the narcotic pills I was given when I had my wisdom teeth removed and even it didn't touch the pain. I was miserable for days. When the irritation finally abated, that filling was extremely sensitive. To make matters worse, I had a tooth on the other side that is also very sensitive, so chewing anything that wasn't room temp was painful. I did my best with sensodyne, but I still hurt quite a bit. I did NOT want to go back to the dentist, so I was living on ibuprofen. I was careful trying to take as few as possible to numb the pain and get through the day (amazingly just one did it most of the time for most of the day)
But the sensitivity was killing me, so I jumped on the net to look for alternative remedies that might help. I ran across a fluoride treatment that I ended up buying for about $15. I also read about Oil Pulling.
I couldn't imagine it would help, but since I had the oil already, and I knew it couldn't hurt, I thought I'd give it a shot.
OP seems to claim to do any number of amazing things, many involve making the mouth healthier, another being the elimination / reduction of KP (Keratosis Pilaris) something I've had for as long as I can remember. My KP has reduced a lot since I lost the weight, but I still have it, and I thought it would be cool if this helped.
So I started pulling. It involves putting oil (I used olive since that is what I had) in your mouth and swishing it around for 20 minutes before you do anything with your mouth after you wake up in the morning. So no drinking, no eating, no brushing your teeth. it is supposed to "pull" toxins from your body. I just can't see this happening... but I can see my body absorbing anything it might need FROM the oil.. Actually I didn't really care HOW it worked, just so long as it helped.
Well I did it for a few days with out any difference. Of course the first few days it was next to impossible to do it for 20 minutes. the taste of Olive Oil alone in my mouth wanted to make me gag, and it cause me to secrete a LOT of saliva, so I lasted maybe 5 minutes the first day and 10 for the next few days. After that my fluoride treatment arrived, and I started using that too.
well OP is not fun. but I did it every day for two+ weeks. I noticed my teeth weren't as sensitive. I also wanted to believe my KP had lessened... but I could still feel them. Yes, I know, give it time, this isn't a drug, it's an alternative treatment and it works slowly. but I didn't much like it, and doing it on the weekends were hard, because I work up later and generally because I was hungry. Also swishing oil in your mouth in front of your husband isn't very sexy nor dignified. so I slowly dropped the habit.
My teeth were fine for a few weeks, but slowly the sensitivity started coming back. I didn't make the connection for a few days, and wondered what was going on, and if I wasn't leaving the sensodyne on my teeth for long enough, or brushing it all off when I used the fluoride afterwords.. Finally some part of my brain said.. um, the oil? and I reluctantly started using it again a few days ago.
Much faster this time the sensitivity went away. I'm able to eat on my molars again, which means I get to chew my food completely (thank goodness)
it is freaking me out though. Why is this working? it isn't pulling my cavities or filings out. Are the fat molecules filling up the holes in my teeth that cause sensitivity? that doesn't make much sense since I am brushing my teeth extensively and what not.
I don't think I care. I'm able to eat, I'm able to not beg the dentist to rip my teeth out and give me dentures, and hopefully with all the brushing. flossing and the "health benefits" from pulling, I wont have to for quite a long time.
as for my arms, I would say they are defiantly smoother.. not gone yet, but if this keeps up it will be.
I recently had an issue with them. When ever I would bite down on one side it felt like it was going to crack, so I went to the dentist. He found a small cavity under a large filling and asked me if I wanted him to fill it. Well technically the answer is NO!!!! but I didn't much like the pain and the idea of my tooth cracking was pretty miserable so I said yes.
Well it went horribly. I have had some pretty horrific dental experiences in the past, but my current dentist has always amazed me. I don't know if he had an off day or this tooth is just a total pain, but he ended up giving me like 10 shots of Novocaine - I mean my eye lids were so numb I couldn't close my eye all the way for several hours. I got home and took one of the narcotic pills I was given when I had my wisdom teeth removed and even it didn't touch the pain. I was miserable for days. When the irritation finally abated, that filling was extremely sensitive. To make matters worse, I had a tooth on the other side that is also very sensitive, so chewing anything that wasn't room temp was painful. I did my best with sensodyne, but I still hurt quite a bit. I did NOT want to go back to the dentist, so I was living on ibuprofen. I was careful trying to take as few as possible to numb the pain and get through the day (amazingly just one did it most of the time for most of the day)
But the sensitivity was killing me, so I jumped on the net to look for alternative remedies that might help. I ran across a fluoride treatment that I ended up buying for about $15. I also read about Oil Pulling.
I couldn't imagine it would help, but since I had the oil already, and I knew it couldn't hurt, I thought I'd give it a shot.
OP seems to claim to do any number of amazing things, many involve making the mouth healthier, another being the elimination / reduction of KP (Keratosis Pilaris) something I've had for as long as I can remember. My KP has reduced a lot since I lost the weight, but I still have it, and I thought it would be cool if this helped.
So I started pulling. It involves putting oil (I used olive since that is what I had) in your mouth and swishing it around for 20 minutes before you do anything with your mouth after you wake up in the morning. So no drinking, no eating, no brushing your teeth. it is supposed to "pull" toxins from your body. I just can't see this happening... but I can see my body absorbing anything it might need FROM the oil.. Actually I didn't really care HOW it worked, just so long as it helped.
Well I did it for a few days with out any difference. Of course the first few days it was next to impossible to do it for 20 minutes. the taste of Olive Oil alone in my mouth wanted to make me gag, and it cause me to secrete a LOT of saliva, so I lasted maybe 5 minutes the first day and 10 for the next few days. After that my fluoride treatment arrived, and I started using that too.
well OP is not fun. but I did it every day for two+ weeks. I noticed my teeth weren't as sensitive. I also wanted to believe my KP had lessened... but I could still feel them. Yes, I know, give it time, this isn't a drug, it's an alternative treatment and it works slowly. but I didn't much like it, and doing it on the weekends were hard, because I work up later and generally because I was hungry. Also swishing oil in your mouth in front of your husband isn't very sexy nor dignified. so I slowly dropped the habit.
My teeth were fine for a few weeks, but slowly the sensitivity started coming back. I didn't make the connection for a few days, and wondered what was going on, and if I wasn't leaving the sensodyne on my teeth for long enough, or brushing it all off when I used the fluoride afterwords.. Finally some part of my brain said.. um, the oil? and I reluctantly started using it again a few days ago.
Much faster this time the sensitivity went away. I'm able to eat on my molars again, which means I get to chew my food completely (thank goodness)
it is freaking me out though. Why is this working? it isn't pulling my cavities or filings out. Are the fat molecules filling up the holes in my teeth that cause sensitivity? that doesn't make much sense since I am brushing my teeth extensively and what not.
I don't think I care. I'm able to eat, I'm able to not beg the dentist to rip my teeth out and give me dentures, and hopefully with all the brushing. flossing and the "health benefits" from pulling, I wont have to for quite a long time.
as for my arms, I would say they are defiantly smoother.. not gone yet, but if this keeps up it will be.
3.23.2010
From Self Magazine April 2010
Regarding the "Would you rather be Fat & Happy? Or Thin & Sad?" article.
I've made my decision. The antidepressant I went on made me eat things I wouldn't normally eat with out them, so I figured I'd rather be sad and thin (and healthy) so I knew where I landed on this question before I even read the article. It was interesting to listen to someone else talk about the question though. It is not a perfectly written article, there are segments that are meandering and hard to follow, but for the most part it is quite compelling and I am enjoying reading it... However her closing paragraph is something I wanted to clip and keep
"I have also come to see that my body is not really mine. Its atoms existed before me and will continue to exist long after I am gone. My body belongs not only to me but also to those I love. It is merely on loan to me, temporarily assembled, and if it becomes ill, the people who rely on it, who rely on me, suffer, too. In this sense, we are all bridges to one another, stretched out tip to toe, sometimes colliding but undoubtedly joined each one of us a possible point of communion, in happiness, in sadness, in sickness, and hopefully, in health."
(see what I mean about the meandering.. too many commas there, but alas you get the point)
I accept that my depression and my anxiety are chemical imbalances in my brain and have nothing to do with reality. I am temporarily assembled slightly differently, but that is ok, it is what makes me unique. I don't doubt that I am a round peg in a square world, and that sometimes makes it even more difficult for me to function despite my neurons firing properly in my head (and more so when they aren't)
But.. that is how I was created for this life. I have come to accept that my Creator had a purpose for me to be like this, and I do take some sort of odd little pride at that. It doesn't make it easy, it just makes it bearable..
I've made my decision. The antidepressant I went on made me eat things I wouldn't normally eat with out them, so I figured I'd rather be sad and thin (and healthy) so I knew where I landed on this question before I even read the article. It was interesting to listen to someone else talk about the question though. It is not a perfectly written article, there are segments that are meandering and hard to follow, but for the most part it is quite compelling and I am enjoying reading it... However her closing paragraph is something I wanted to clip and keep
"I have also come to see that my body is not really mine. Its atoms existed before me and will continue to exist long after I am gone. My body belongs not only to me but also to those I love. It is merely on loan to me, temporarily assembled, and if it becomes ill, the people who rely on it, who rely on me, suffer, too. In this sense, we are all bridges to one another, stretched out tip to toe, sometimes colliding but undoubtedly joined each one of us a possible point of communion, in happiness, in sadness, in sickness, and hopefully, in health."
(see what I mean about the meandering.. too many commas there, but alas you get the point)
I accept that my depression and my anxiety are chemical imbalances in my brain and have nothing to do with reality. I am temporarily assembled slightly differently, but that is ok, it is what makes me unique. I don't doubt that I am a round peg in a square world, and that sometimes makes it even more difficult for me to function despite my neurons firing properly in my head (and more so when they aren't)
But.. that is how I was created for this life. I have come to accept that my Creator had a purpose for me to be like this, and I do take some sort of odd little pride at that. It doesn't make it easy, it just makes it bearable..
3.16.2010
Andrew Koenig
Dear Andrew,
I am so sorry you felt the need to take your own life. And I am very sorry that no one seems to be able to respect you for an individual, and not so and so's son. I'm sorry they can't seem to accept any of your accomplishments beyond Growing Pains.
I did not know you. I could not know your pain. But I do know those you left behind miss you terribly.
I pray you have found the peace you were searching for.
I am so sorry you felt the need to take your own life. And I am very sorry that no one seems to be able to respect you for an individual, and not so and so's son. I'm sorry they can't seem to accept any of your accomplishments beyond Growing Pains.
I did not know you. I could not know your pain. But I do know those you left behind miss you terribly.
I pray you have found the peace you were searching for.
3.15.2010
*head desk*
Ok, there is soemthing seriously wrong with me. Not something that I can't overcome I guess, but it is still annoying me.
I have this problem where I am full. I have eaten a healthy (or even not so healthy) meal (or snack) and I have filled my stomach up to the point where I am full, and for some reason I feel the need to shove something else in there.
This weekend (and currently at the moment) it is cookies. I made chocolate chip cookies for an office shindig, and I couldn't stop shoveling them into my mouth. I am currently a little more then comfortably full and they are STILL calling my name. It is so ticking me off.
What is also ticking me off is that my weight this morning was 206.5!!! what the hell!! I swear to ... well I just swear that there is something behind this besides diet (cookies aside because four small home made chocolate chip cookies does not four pounds make) I'm thinking I need to make my dr give me thyroid meds - since I have every single one of the symptoms.. although I'm not quite sure about the brittle hair, but my nails break quite regularly despite adding biotin to my diet..
it makes me want to shove another cookie into my mouth..
I have this problem where I am full. I have eaten a healthy (or even not so healthy) meal (or snack) and I have filled my stomach up to the point where I am full, and for some reason I feel the need to shove something else in there.
This weekend (and currently at the moment) it is cookies. I made chocolate chip cookies for an office shindig, and I couldn't stop shoveling them into my mouth. I am currently a little more then comfortably full and they are STILL calling my name. It is so ticking me off.
What is also ticking me off is that my weight this morning was 206.5!!! what the hell!! I swear to ... well I just swear that there is something behind this besides diet (cookies aside because four small home made chocolate chip cookies does not four pounds make) I'm thinking I need to make my dr give me thyroid meds - since I have every single one of the symptoms.. although I'm not quite sure about the brittle hair, but my nails break quite regularly despite adding biotin to my diet..
it makes me want to shove another cookie into my mouth..
3.08.2010
interesting.. ok not really
Well I posted that I thought I was doing better.. Well I'm not. I'm up to 204.5 lbs (I was at 205, went to 203 then popped back up) and my colon has slowed right down. Such a bizarre thing to not make any obvious changes and have such dramatic changes in the body..
I am making an effort to get more protein rich foods back into my diet. Simply because the oatmeal fits calorie wise, doesn't really mean it fits into the diet that worked for me. I went down to 203 getting more protein. Last night we had pancakes for dinner (I had extra calories free) which were pretty protein light and pop goes the scale.. So I'm going to be more aware of the amount of protein I'm getting (going for 100 grams per day, but I generally fall in to 80-90) and see what happens. On days when I watch calories alone, I generally fall into the 50 gram range.
I'm also starting to be more aware of the fact that I am CONSTANTLY stressed. Some sort of weird anxiety going on. I tend to self medicate that with carbs which does make me feel better. I constantly feel like I'm hyped up on caffeine - but not in the good way. What is even more bizarre is that I'm usually exhausted when I'm feeling this way. Its like my body is fighting to stay awake for some unknown reason. At first I thought it was the high protein diet, and my body's response to trying to metabolize it all.. but it continued even when I wasn't eating as much protein. *shrug* so I need to get my tushie in gear and look up some natural ways to help ease anxiety.. I suppose I should get back into getting regular massage, but it is just so darn expensive..
and I still so very much want to get Lipo to suck out the troubled bits. I'm still in the waiting phase to see if being off depo will make a difference in my weight loss. I guess being aware of this experiment is throwing it off completely, because I wanted to see if I would lose weight not being on a diet, and of course I ate more then I should have.
I also have decided I want to buy a Mini Cooper. But not just ANY Mini Cooper, but a silk green one, and I just found one a couple of states over. I wasn't planning on buying a new car for six months to a year, but these things aren't all that common, so I'm thinking I should go look at it and maybe even buy it. I'm bummed because it is not a convertible, but I just know if I try to get a car painted this color it won't come out right. *shrug*
I am making an effort to get more protein rich foods back into my diet. Simply because the oatmeal fits calorie wise, doesn't really mean it fits into the diet that worked for me. I went down to 203 getting more protein. Last night we had pancakes for dinner (I had extra calories free) which were pretty protein light and pop goes the scale.. So I'm going to be more aware of the amount of protein I'm getting (going for 100 grams per day, but I generally fall in to 80-90) and see what happens. On days when I watch calories alone, I generally fall into the 50 gram range.
I'm also starting to be more aware of the fact that I am CONSTANTLY stressed. Some sort of weird anxiety going on. I tend to self medicate that with carbs which does make me feel better. I constantly feel like I'm hyped up on caffeine - but not in the good way. What is even more bizarre is that I'm usually exhausted when I'm feeling this way. Its like my body is fighting to stay awake for some unknown reason. At first I thought it was the high protein diet, and my body's response to trying to metabolize it all.. but it continued even when I wasn't eating as much protein. *shrug* so I need to get my tushie in gear and look up some natural ways to help ease anxiety.. I suppose I should get back into getting regular massage, but it is just so darn expensive..
and I still so very much want to get Lipo to suck out the troubled bits. I'm still in the waiting phase to see if being off depo will make a difference in my weight loss. I guess being aware of this experiment is throwing it off completely, because I wanted to see if I would lose weight not being on a diet, and of course I ate more then I should have.
I also have decided I want to buy a Mini Cooper. But not just ANY Mini Cooper, but a silk green one, and I just found one a couple of states over. I wasn't planning on buying a new car for six months to a year, but these things aren't all that common, so I'm thinking I should go look at it and maybe even buy it. I'm bummed because it is not a convertible, but I just know if I try to get a car painted this color it won't come out right. *shrug*
2.24.2010
oh great
I am now using the infamous "you can't POSSIBLY be hungry" line with myself..
*head desk*
I grew up with that line. My mother threw it at me all the friggen time. I think it is why I got so heavy, because I believed if I felt hungry that I must be.
that and I hated that line so very very much. When you are a growing child, it is possible to have had dinner and still be hungry later.
For the past couple of days I've been an empty pit of wanten food consumption. Fortunately I have been able to control it for the most part. My body (or maybe it is my mind) REALLY REALLY wants cookies. I gave in, and gave it some, but it is still screaming for cookies. I have had healthy meals and snacks today, so honestly I know my body can't really be hungry for food, but why it is screaming for it I don't understand.
Earlier in the week I spent the entire day with stomach pain. It started when I was working out (jogging on a trampoline) all of a sudden I got quite nauseous. I sat down waiting for it to pass, but it wouldn't so I went about my morning routine. When I gave my stomach breakfast (a tofu smoothie) is when it really hit the fan. Pain like a major cramp. It hurt when I ate, it hurt when I didn't eat. It did wax and wane, so i wasn't horribly worried. I figured it was still there the next day I'd be concerned. After dinner I went to bed and layed down for a bit, and my body (or should I just call this thing the evil cookie monster that lives at the end of this book) asked for refined carbs. Cookies, toast, anything.
I am trying to be honest with myself, and allow the pain and emotions to come up and not hide them with food or denial, so for one of the first times I just let myself sit there in pain. I am not 100% sure it was the right thing to do, but I got through the night and it is now gone.
As you may or may not know, I have been on DepoProvera for 15+ years. I haven't had a monthly period for about that long. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that as my periods used to be horrific. LOTS of bleeding, lots of pain, lots of PMS. I was at the point where I wanted to rip my uterus out by hand. Since my Dr tells me there is nothing medically wrong with me to explain the weight gain and the exhaustion, I have decided to intentionally go off the depo. There have been a couple of times since I lost the weight that I forgot my shot. After my cat died, it was quite a few months, and recently it was a month. Both times I started losing weight. I have NO idea of they are connected, but I am intending to find out. I am NOT amused at the prospect, but I have to try something. While I could live with the weight gain I wouldn't like it, but this exhaustion is life altering. I am doing little more then work/exercise/sleep. Not that I expect my life would be filled with huge treks and adventures if I had some energy, but man it would be nice to be able to hem some pants one night and not feel like I was moving mountains. So since the 14th I have been officially "off depo" yes yes, it is not a to the minute thing, but that was the day it was supposed to be renewed.
I have been good but not anal about my food intake. If I wanted a small portion of ice cream I had it. We had chinese food, and pizza. Again I was aware and had small portions and lots of veggies and I haven't stopped exercising (but I have missed a day or two as opposed to the 7 days a week I had been) and I got up to 206. Well the past few days I have tried to be a bit more careful but still not anal. I had a chip or two, a small bite of chocolate, etc. Now I'm down to 204.5 Not quite sure where I'm going with this thought, or even if you care at all (probably not, I don't expect I'm all that interesting) but I blog to keep a diary for myself. If someone else finds my little rantings and finds some help in it, great. I always liked the idea of peeking into someone else's life and most blogs that do that are so squeeky clean (your family friendly G rated nothing bad EVER happens kind of thing) that while they are funny and interesting, they certainly aren't very true to life.
But one thing that IS interesting since stopping the depo is all of a sudden my colon is cleaning itself out like gangbusters. Dr. Oz would be totally proud if he were on poop patrol.
While I wouldn't say I was constipated prior to this, because my colon has pretty much always worked well with some waxing and waning (I can't believe I used that twice in one post) of drier stools and pebbles. But for the week or two prior I would have maybe once every other day eliminations, but now I'm not only having my daily cleanings (isn't this such a fun subject) but once again it has started to pop up out random events through out the day.
Again I have no idea if any of this is related. Would be very interesting if it was, but also a little confusing because it isn't like none of this stuff happened while I was ON depo. *shrug*
I am not hungry
I am not hungry
I am NOT HUNGRY DAMN IT!!
Next time I'm buying cookies that DON"T talk!! (yes, laugh at me, I deserve it)
*head desk*
I grew up with that line. My mother threw it at me all the friggen time. I think it is why I got so heavy, because I believed if I felt hungry that I must be.
that and I hated that line so very very much. When you are a growing child, it is possible to have had dinner and still be hungry later.
For the past couple of days I've been an empty pit of wanten food consumption. Fortunately I have been able to control it for the most part. My body (or maybe it is my mind) REALLY REALLY wants cookies. I gave in, and gave it some, but it is still screaming for cookies. I have had healthy meals and snacks today, so honestly I know my body can't really be hungry for food, but why it is screaming for it I don't understand.
Earlier in the week I spent the entire day with stomach pain. It started when I was working out (jogging on a trampoline) all of a sudden I got quite nauseous. I sat down waiting for it to pass, but it wouldn't so I went about my morning routine. When I gave my stomach breakfast (a tofu smoothie) is when it really hit the fan. Pain like a major cramp. It hurt when I ate, it hurt when I didn't eat. It did wax and wane, so i wasn't horribly worried. I figured it was still there the next day I'd be concerned. After dinner I went to bed and layed down for a bit, and my body (or should I just call this thing the evil cookie monster that lives at the end of this book) asked for refined carbs. Cookies, toast, anything.
I am trying to be honest with myself, and allow the pain and emotions to come up and not hide them with food or denial, so for one of the first times I just let myself sit there in pain. I am not 100% sure it was the right thing to do, but I got through the night and it is now gone.
As you may or may not know, I have been on DepoProvera for 15+ years. I haven't had a monthly period for about that long. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that as my periods used to be horrific. LOTS of bleeding, lots of pain, lots of PMS. I was at the point where I wanted to rip my uterus out by hand. Since my Dr tells me there is nothing medically wrong with me to explain the weight gain and the exhaustion, I have decided to intentionally go off the depo. There have been a couple of times since I lost the weight that I forgot my shot. After my cat died, it was quite a few months, and recently it was a month. Both times I started losing weight. I have NO idea of they are connected, but I am intending to find out. I am NOT amused at the prospect, but I have to try something. While I could live with the weight gain I wouldn't like it, but this exhaustion is life altering. I am doing little more then work/exercise/sleep. Not that I expect my life would be filled with huge treks and adventures if I had some energy, but man it would be nice to be able to hem some pants one night and not feel like I was moving mountains. So since the 14th I have been officially "off depo" yes yes, it is not a to the minute thing, but that was the day it was supposed to be renewed.
I have been good but not anal about my food intake. If I wanted a small portion of ice cream I had it. We had chinese food, and pizza. Again I was aware and had small portions and lots of veggies and I haven't stopped exercising (but I have missed a day or two as opposed to the 7 days a week I had been) and I got up to 206. Well the past few days I have tried to be a bit more careful but still not anal. I had a chip or two, a small bite of chocolate, etc. Now I'm down to 204.5 Not quite sure where I'm going with this thought, or even if you care at all (probably not, I don't expect I'm all that interesting) but I blog to keep a diary for myself. If someone else finds my little rantings and finds some help in it, great. I always liked the idea of peeking into someone else's life and most blogs that do that are so squeeky clean (your family friendly G rated nothing bad EVER happens kind of thing) that while they are funny and interesting, they certainly aren't very true to life.
But one thing that IS interesting since stopping the depo is all of a sudden my colon is cleaning itself out like gangbusters. Dr. Oz would be totally proud if he were on poop patrol.
While I wouldn't say I was constipated prior to this, because my colon has pretty much always worked well with some waxing and waning (I can't believe I used that twice in one post) of drier stools and pebbles. But for the week or two prior I would have maybe once every other day eliminations, but now I'm not only having my daily cleanings (isn't this such a fun subject) but once again it has started to pop up out random events through out the day.
Again I have no idea if any of this is related. Would be very interesting if it was, but also a little confusing because it isn't like none of this stuff happened while I was ON depo. *shrug*
I am not hungry
I am not hungry
I am NOT HUNGRY DAMN IT!!
Next time I'm buying cookies that DON"T talk!! (yes, laugh at me, I deserve it)
2.15.2010
203
Ok, I'm officially late in my Depo shot, so while I wouldn't say I am "off depo" I'm on the right side of missing my shot to see if this helps me lose weight. I haven't been watching my diet so closely either. I had pizza on Friday and Applebees on Sunday. but I only had two pieces of a medium and a chicken dish from A. Ok so the chicken was covered in cheese, and came with rice, and I ate quite a few "buffalo chicken nuggets" which I am sure was far from the innocent thing they look like
I am exercising still, and I am not going overboard food wise(as evidence of this there is still a peanut butter cheesecake slice or four in the fridge)I think my plan is to give this two or three months and see what happens to my weight. Then I'm going to a plastic surgeon to see what he can do.
*sigh* It is friggen annoying that I'm still dealing with this, but c'est la vie.
I had a weird dream the other night. I was visiting my 20 yr old son in prison. He was tall with short yet shaggy black hair. He was ... mentally challenged? but not so much so that he wasn't functioning, just a smidge slow. While I was there I apparently gave birth because all of a sudden I was introducing him to my daughter, who was very much a baby. she was a little bigger then a newborn, but I believed her to be a newborn. I remember gushing about how advanced she was. How she was able to hold her head up, and turn over.. I remember comparing her to how quickly a kitten acclimates to their world.. my "son" was bothered by the fact that his sister was getting so much attention.
I'm very much in a quandary about buying a Mini Cooper. I like the convertible. the convertible WILL work with the carriers (the large one won't fit in the back very easily with the top up, but I can put it in the front seat) but the convertible does NOT come in Silk Green. Apparently that was only available in 02 and 03 and the convertible came out in 04! So either I can go with a regular ol mini cooper in a really rare color that I'll probably never find up for sale anywhere near me, or I can buy a white or silver convertible and have it painted.. which I don't much like the idea either. I went up to see a MCC in "Purple Haze" which also was an interesting color.. but it was a manual, and I much want an automatic.
and I'm also not quite ready to buy a new car. I'm thinking I'm going to wait a year.
But why I keep looking, I'm not quite sure.
I got my hair cut last week. I'm somewhere between loving it and hating it. I asked for a couple inches to be removed and some layers so it didn't hang so heavily on my head. non layered hair hung so straight and made my face so long. Well that is what she did. She even did it with the part in the right place. When she was done styling it though, it appeared like there was a HUGE chunk of hair missing on the side of my head that has the most hair (I part on the right, so the left side) she said she "cut it the same" but I pointed it out, and she said if I moved the part both sides would be even.. um.. HELLO!! huge cowlick which is why I part it where I do! we had that discussion. Sad thing is that she is right. When my hair falls with the part in the middle it looks right. How is that possible since she cut it with the part on the right side?? My left side does not look layered at all. It just hangs straight down the side of my face like a curtain. I keep finding long strands as well. I've already cut one of them off, and gratefully it worked. I'm not sure if I want to try trimming the left side myself, or if I want to go in and complain. I hate complaining, but I don't much like several aspects of my hair (what's new!) I don't think I'm unreasonable, but the few people i've talked to about my cut all say it is adorable. *shrug* I know I'm always harder on myself then others, but I don't think I'm out of line. Probably a few more days and I'll decide - and chances are I'll just try to butcher it myself, since I HATE having my hair cut..
I am exercising still, and I am not going overboard food wise(as evidence of this there is still a peanut butter cheesecake slice or four in the fridge)I think my plan is to give this two or three months and see what happens to my weight. Then I'm going to a plastic surgeon to see what he can do.
*sigh* It is friggen annoying that I'm still dealing with this, but c'est la vie.
I had a weird dream the other night. I was visiting my 20 yr old son in prison. He was tall with short yet shaggy black hair. He was ... mentally challenged? but not so much so that he wasn't functioning, just a smidge slow. While I was there I apparently gave birth because all of a sudden I was introducing him to my daughter, who was very much a baby. she was a little bigger then a newborn, but I believed her to be a newborn. I remember gushing about how advanced she was. How she was able to hold her head up, and turn over.. I remember comparing her to how quickly a kitten acclimates to their world.. my "son" was bothered by the fact that his sister was getting so much attention.
I'm very much in a quandary about buying a Mini Cooper. I like the convertible. the convertible WILL work with the carriers (the large one won't fit in the back very easily with the top up, but I can put it in the front seat) but the convertible does NOT come in Silk Green. Apparently that was only available in 02 and 03 and the convertible came out in 04! So either I can go with a regular ol mini cooper in a really rare color that I'll probably never find up for sale anywhere near me, or I can buy a white or silver convertible and have it painted.. which I don't much like the idea either. I went up to see a MCC in "Purple Haze" which also was an interesting color.. but it was a manual, and I much want an automatic.
and I'm also not quite ready to buy a new car. I'm thinking I'm going to wait a year.
But why I keep looking, I'm not quite sure.
I got my hair cut last week. I'm somewhere between loving it and hating it. I asked for a couple inches to be removed and some layers so it didn't hang so heavily on my head. non layered hair hung so straight and made my face so long. Well that is what she did. She even did it with the part in the right place. When she was done styling it though, it appeared like there was a HUGE chunk of hair missing on the side of my head that has the most hair (I part on the right, so the left side) she said she "cut it the same" but I pointed it out, and she said if I moved the part both sides would be even.. um.. HELLO!! huge cowlick which is why I part it where I do! we had that discussion. Sad thing is that she is right. When my hair falls with the part in the middle it looks right. How is that possible since she cut it with the part on the right side?? My left side does not look layered at all. It just hangs straight down the side of my face like a curtain. I keep finding long strands as well. I've already cut one of them off, and gratefully it worked. I'm not sure if I want to try trimming the left side myself, or if I want to go in and complain. I hate complaining, but I don't much like several aspects of my hair (what's new!) I don't think I'm unreasonable, but the few people i've talked to about my cut all say it is adorable. *shrug* I know I'm always harder on myself then others, but I don't think I'm out of line. Probably a few more days and I'll decide - and chances are I'll just try to butcher it myself, since I HATE having my hair cut..
2.09.2010
another break down
Guess I have to start a new catagory. While I don't remember when the first one was, there was that time I was exercising and as I was walking upstairs I just didn't want to face it (no, no idea what "it" was) and I sat on the stairs crying for who knows how long.
Today I was getting ready for work and DH cleaned my blender and didn't put it back together properly. I did not realize until I had put all my ingredients in it and tried to get it to blend. When I realized it was not connecting properly I lifted the carafe off and realized that it was leaking all over the place.
now since DH is off on his annual ski trip he wasn't around to yell at and to have him fix it for me. Yes yes, I am an adult woman, I should have been able to do it myself, but I have been in a funk all weekend, and I had barely been able to pull myself out of it. I had been functioning on this side of funk, but not by much. It was too much for me to deal with, so I didn't. I put the carafe in the sink for Dh to deal with when he gets home tomorrow night (won't he be amused) and tried to figure out what to have for breakfast. Genearlly I bring a packet of oatmeal to work and a plastic container to put it in so I don't have to dirty any work dishes. Well we keep the containers in one cabinet, and the covers in another. DH in his brillant unthinking way keeps every container cover EVER. Seriously. the cover for a pack of cheese was in there!! frustrated, I grabbed all the covers and just threw them across the kitchen. Cats were not amused, and I realized my reaction was a little beyond the norm. Tears started falling down my face, and one of my cats came up to my feet and started meowing at me. I sunk to the floor and sat there tears streaming down my face for at least 20 minutes, if not half an hour. I could not talk myself into getting up and getting started with my day. I was already half an hour late for work, and I didn't even want to call out, but I couldn't get going. I just sat there watching the cats play with some catnip toys. I got a few visits - wondering what mom was doing on the floor, but none of them hung around long enough to give me any serious attention. I finally threatened to get a dog... this got J's attention and he walked up to me with the most concerned look on his face. M also came over for some lovin, but they both walked off rather quickly. T showed up and sat down on my leg.
Dh sent an email last night with a pict of himself to show Kit. *rolls eyes* I feel like telling him and ruining his trip, but really what would be the point in that. He'd probably just get mad in the long run thinking that I won't let him go off and do anything he wants to do..
well damn it he can't. at least not with out consequences. Does he think I can take care of myself??
oh wait.. I am an adult aren't I? *grumble grumble grumble* I just really wish I could deal better when I get so friggen frustrated that I can barely breath..
(no spell check in IE sorry)
Today I was getting ready for work and DH cleaned my blender and didn't put it back together properly. I did not realize until I had put all my ingredients in it and tried to get it to blend. When I realized it was not connecting properly I lifted the carafe off and realized that it was leaking all over the place.
now since DH is off on his annual ski trip he wasn't around to yell at and to have him fix it for me. Yes yes, I am an adult woman, I should have been able to do it myself, but I have been in a funk all weekend, and I had barely been able to pull myself out of it. I had been functioning on this side of funk, but not by much. It was too much for me to deal with, so I didn't. I put the carafe in the sink for Dh to deal with when he gets home tomorrow night (won't he be amused) and tried to figure out what to have for breakfast. Genearlly I bring a packet of oatmeal to work and a plastic container to put it in so I don't have to dirty any work dishes. Well we keep the containers in one cabinet, and the covers in another. DH in his brillant unthinking way keeps every container cover EVER. Seriously. the cover for a pack of cheese was in there!! frustrated, I grabbed all the covers and just threw them across the kitchen. Cats were not amused, and I realized my reaction was a little beyond the norm. Tears started falling down my face, and one of my cats came up to my feet and started meowing at me. I sunk to the floor and sat there tears streaming down my face for at least 20 minutes, if not half an hour. I could not talk myself into getting up and getting started with my day. I was already half an hour late for work, and I didn't even want to call out, but I couldn't get going. I just sat there watching the cats play with some catnip toys. I got a few visits - wondering what mom was doing on the floor, but none of them hung around long enough to give me any serious attention. I finally threatened to get a dog... this got J's attention and he walked up to me with the most concerned look on his face. M also came over for some lovin, but they both walked off rather quickly. T showed up and sat down on my leg.
Dh sent an email last night with a pict of himself to show Kit. *rolls eyes* I feel like telling him and ruining his trip, but really what would be the point in that. He'd probably just get mad in the long run thinking that I won't let him go off and do anything he wants to do..
well damn it he can't. at least not with out consequences. Does he think I can take care of myself??
oh wait.. I am an adult aren't I? *grumble grumble grumble* I just really wish I could deal better when I get so friggen frustrated that I can barely breath..
(no spell check in IE sorry)
2.02.2010
#@%*$##!!!!
Ok, so apparently my scale lied to me for weeks. Or maybe it's just lying to me know who knows. This morning it also read 203
*sob*
Maybe this means I should be looking into liposuction and getting my arms cut off..
*shrug*
I mean it isn't like I'm buying a new car
*sob*
Maybe this means I should be looking into liposuction and getting my arms cut off..
*shrug*
I mean it isn't like I'm buying a new car
dream
This one was odd. I know I'm forgetting some interesting events, because I have vague memories of things I can't connect to anything.
Started out at a large hall where we had dinner. DH, I a friend K, and his significant other (he's now married in RL but I have never met her, and and I have no idea if it was a wife or a girlfriend in the dream) K and I have always been hand holding hugging friends, and in the dream we were standing in line to pay and he was hugging me. DH paid for us and then left the building. I stayed with K, and then followed them out. DH moved on to the next destination which was a large mansion that was to be the site of a game or treasure hunt. Seemed more serious then just a game.
The entrance was part of the game. DH had already figured it out and was on the far side and was yelling across to walk me through. I was now alone, apparently K had decided to do something else or enter somewhere else. I had to balance and step quickly on round platforms. When I had finally gotten across DH had moved on to the next puzzle (In rl he is very competitive - driven to win, but I doubt he would have left me) I knew he went right, so I went down the corridor. There were people milling around in rooms that were off the hall, but I spotted Dh at the very end, so I worked my way down there. He was wearing a pair of specialized glasses. (similar in function to the ones in the movie National Treasure) He said things looked a little different. We were in an old fashioned dormitory, with lots of beds. On one of the beds was a woman sleeping. DH went to the woman who apparently was a fake. On her he found a clue, and it led him to a hidden door he could see with the glasses. He went through the door, and I followed. But because he had the glasses he could continue on. I had to stay where I was and wait for him. I could see him down the hall. Someone came up to me. This is where things get fuzzy. I remember being hugged by another man but I don't know if that was in this dream or another. I then remember talking another guy into letting me color his t-shirts (not ones he was wearing) with a sharpie. For some reason this had sexual overtones - no idea what or how at this point, but I definitely remember not wanting DH to find me.
Started out at a large hall where we had dinner. DH, I a friend K, and his significant other (he's now married in RL but I have never met her, and and I have no idea if it was a wife or a girlfriend in the dream) K and I have always been hand holding hugging friends, and in the dream we were standing in line to pay and he was hugging me. DH paid for us and then left the building. I stayed with K, and then followed them out. DH moved on to the next destination which was a large mansion that was to be the site of a game or treasure hunt. Seemed more serious then just a game.
The entrance was part of the game. DH had already figured it out and was on the far side and was yelling across to walk me through. I was now alone, apparently K had decided to do something else or enter somewhere else. I had to balance and step quickly on round platforms. When I had finally gotten across DH had moved on to the next puzzle (In rl he is very competitive - driven to win, but I doubt he would have left me) I knew he went right, so I went down the corridor. There were people milling around in rooms that were off the hall, but I spotted Dh at the very end, so I worked my way down there. He was wearing a pair of specialized glasses. (similar in function to the ones in the movie National Treasure) He said things looked a little different. We were in an old fashioned dormitory, with lots of beds. On one of the beds was a woman sleeping. DH went to the woman who apparently was a fake. On her he found a clue, and it led him to a hidden door he could see with the glasses. He went through the door, and I followed. But because he had the glasses he could continue on. I had to stay where I was and wait for him. I could see him down the hall. Someone came up to me. This is where things get fuzzy. I remember being hugged by another man but I don't know if that was in this dream or another. I then remember talking another guy into letting me color his t-shirts (not ones he was wearing) with a sharpie. For some reason this had sexual overtones - no idea what or how at this point, but I definitely remember not wanting DH to find me.
2.01.2010
and the darkness decends
Ok, so I am NOT buying a new car. After another miserable weekend of cars being sold out from under me and another saying "NOOO!! DON'T BUY ME!!" (by having a dead battery that we had to jump three times, that died that final time because I turned the heat on and had a bad back wheel, and a sales associate that was totally unwilling to dicker on the price - and no, they weren't a no haggle place) I gave up.
I feel absolutely horrible about it too since I put my car up for sale on craigslist. I had someone interested enough in it to take it for an inspection. He offered me 30% less then my asking price, which I was NOT amused with, but I'm sure we could have come up with a mutually agreeable price. I hated backing out of that, but I just couldn't sell my car as it is my only means of transport. He even emailed me twice since I told him I couldn't do it, and I don't have the strength to read the emails. I made DH read them - to make sure I didn't need to do anything and when I asked if they weren't nice, he took long enough to reply that I told him not to tell me - I can only assume they weren't happy emails.
And not only do I not get a fun cool new car, I have to pay to fix up my old one and I'm stuck with the quirks of this thing.
Woke up this morning after having dealt with that on Sunday (among a few other disappointments and miseries) almost unable to deal with moving through life. I did NOT want to get up, did NOT want to take a shower. did NOT want to eat breakfast. and I most certainly did NOT want to deal with my husband. Still don't really - hope he just forgets about how miserable I was this morning and doesn't want to "discuss" it. Somehow I did everything but breakfast (ok so I brought a 115 calorie protein bar and did end up eating that at 10) and I was only half an hour late for work.
But I'm still quite blue/dark/miserable. I still have to make an appointment for my car. I still have a really sore neck. and I still can't see anything good coming out of the next few days..
I took a double dose of Sam-E so hopefully this clears up by tomorrow..
Most annoying of all? I got up this morning and weighed. 197.5 I went back to bed and wallowed in my depression before I forced myself to exercise. I did about 40 minutes (maybe 45) and went back up to take a shower. Got back on the scale... 203!! WTF! If I had had a sledge hammer I would have hit it. It is just darn lucky that throwing it out the window wouldn't have been nearly as easy as it sounds. We have those stupid screens that are connected at the top and the bottom, so you can't just open the window and chuck. The old scale that has been reading 203 right along, actually read 202.5!! I must not place my self worth in a number on a scale, but damn it if it wasn't one of the hardest things to see - this morning of all mornings..
*lets my inner child go and hide under the covers for the rest of the day*
I feel absolutely horrible about it too since I put my car up for sale on craigslist. I had someone interested enough in it to take it for an inspection. He offered me 30% less then my asking price, which I was NOT amused with, but I'm sure we could have come up with a mutually agreeable price. I hated backing out of that, but I just couldn't sell my car as it is my only means of transport. He even emailed me twice since I told him I couldn't do it, and I don't have the strength to read the emails. I made DH read them - to make sure I didn't need to do anything and when I asked if they weren't nice, he took long enough to reply that I told him not to tell me - I can only assume they weren't happy emails.
And not only do I not get a fun cool new car, I have to pay to fix up my old one and I'm stuck with the quirks of this thing.
Woke up this morning after having dealt with that on Sunday (among a few other disappointments and miseries) almost unable to deal with moving through life. I did NOT want to get up, did NOT want to take a shower. did NOT want to eat breakfast. and I most certainly did NOT want to deal with my husband. Still don't really - hope he just forgets about how miserable I was this morning and doesn't want to "discuss" it. Somehow I did everything but breakfast (ok so I brought a 115 calorie protein bar and did end up eating that at 10) and I was only half an hour late for work.
But I'm still quite blue/dark/miserable. I still have to make an appointment for my car. I still have a really sore neck. and I still can't see anything good coming out of the next few days..
I took a double dose of Sam-E so hopefully this clears up by tomorrow..
Most annoying of all? I got up this morning and weighed. 197.5 I went back to bed and wallowed in my depression before I forced myself to exercise. I did about 40 minutes (maybe 45) and went back up to take a shower. Got back on the scale... 203!! WTF! If I had had a sledge hammer I would have hit it. It is just darn lucky that throwing it out the window wouldn't have been nearly as easy as it sounds. We have those stupid screens that are connected at the top and the bottom, so you can't just open the window and chuck. The old scale that has been reading 203 right along, actually read 202.5!! I must not place my self worth in a number on a scale, but damn it if it wasn't one of the hardest things to see - this morning of all mornings..
*lets my inner child go and hide under the covers for the rest of the day*
1.29.2010
dream
I dreamed i was driving a new car, and as i was driving down the road I was trying to figure out where all the bells and whistles were in the car. I remember driving over a bridge, and then was out of the car and in what felt like a large train station. there were gates to get through, fancier then regular turnstiles, but close. I was then taken to a staging area where i was waiting for a party (party party not a party of people to come get me)
the other day I dreamed I was in a hostage situation. A guy was holding someone and i was calmly trying to talk him down. He had a knife to the person's throat, and he was boarding on manic. I was doing ok talking to him until a cat wandered near him, and I said lets just ignore the cat, but instead he grabbed it and threatened to kill it. which of course is when I went postal and ended up waking up.
then I dreamed i went into a building and there were way too many little dogs. i was trying to work my way through them, and was moving towards the stairs when a chihuahua jumped at me. Turned out to be a number of puppies, no bigger then a twinkie, and they ended up landing inside my shirt. I pulled three out, but I knew there was four, so i kept searching my shirt for the fourth when i woke up.
I dream a lot about other people's houses.. being inside them, trying to find my way through. often they have a lot of obstacles.. wonder what that is about.. that and amusement rides.. the rides might have something to do with the years of working at an amusement park as a teen.. but still..
the other day I dreamed I was in a hostage situation. A guy was holding someone and i was calmly trying to talk him down. He had a knife to the person's throat, and he was boarding on manic. I was doing ok talking to him until a cat wandered near him, and I said lets just ignore the cat, but instead he grabbed it and threatened to kill it. which of course is when I went postal and ended up waking up.
then I dreamed i went into a building and there were way too many little dogs. i was trying to work my way through them, and was moving towards the stairs when a chihuahua jumped at me. Turned out to be a number of puppies, no bigger then a twinkie, and they ended up landing inside my shirt. I pulled three out, but I knew there was four, so i kept searching my shirt for the fourth when i woke up.
I dream a lot about other people's houses.. being inside them, trying to find my way through. often they have a lot of obstacles.. wonder what that is about.. that and amusement rides.. the rides might have something to do with the years of working at an amusement park as a teen.. but still..
sad
*sigh* I don't quite know what to do. Two people emailed me about my car, the first didn't show. the second went so far as to have the car inspected, and they came up with $800 worth of work that should be done. not quite sure why they think both tie rods needs to be changed when the previous guy said just one, but c'est la vie.. They also recommend some break work.
so i listed it at 3500 thinking it was work 4k but because of the check engine light being on, and the less then ideal seat and steering wheel, I figured 3500 was fair. I was willing to fix the one tie rod. which I thought would be about 300 (wasn't sure there would be anyone interested so I didn't fix it.)
so I just got a counter offer of 2500. It is probably more then I would get in a trade in, but it still bugs me. I know I should counter offer, but what do you counter offer when they take almost 30% off your asking price.
so now I just want to eat yummy things and not work out.
At least I haven't eaten anything, but I can't seem to convince myself to get up and go work out.
so i listed it at 3500 thinking it was work 4k but because of the check engine light being on, and the less then ideal seat and steering wheel, I figured 3500 was fair. I was willing to fix the one tie rod. which I thought would be about 300 (wasn't sure there would be anyone interested so I didn't fix it.)
so I just got a counter offer of 2500. It is probably more then I would get in a trade in, but it still bugs me. I know I should counter offer, but what do you counter offer when they take almost 30% off your asking price.
so now I just want to eat yummy things and not work out.
At least I haven't eaten anything, but I can't seem to convince myself to get up and go work out.
1.26.2010
197.5
too good to last I guess :(
I hope it is just a temporary thing, and tomorrow I'll be back down... a girl can hope
I hope it is just a temporary thing, and tomorrow I'll be back down... a girl can hope
1.25.2010
Selling on Craigslist
Well now this is interesting. The last time I listed my car on CL, I got a couple of people who were interested, but it took a long time to get them.
This time I listed my car and I almost immediately got three replies asking about the car.
Unfortunately two of them were pretty much scams. The first seems legit. He says his wife could be interested, and they want to see it. I reply and nothing back yet - but not unexpected, I have to remember that not everyone lives online :)
Second asks me if the car is still for sale - even though I just listed it 10 minutes ago (ok maybe 30) I reply yes, and he replies that it is very undervalued, and tells me to check a "trade in value" website. Well the website won't give me any info until I tell it what I want to trade it in for, and even then wants all kinds of personal info. Screw that. I reply to the guy asking if he wants the car. His reply is "did I check out the website" and mine to him is if he wants to pay me more then I listed the car for, by all means do and I'll accept it. *rolls eyes*
Third email asks me to double check how much insurance will be on the car. I deleted it with out even replying, because this one too sent a website asking me to check information on that page.
Heck, I'm more then willing to help a customer buy a product, but I'm not about to "check insurance rates" on a car for someone else who hasn't even SEEN the car. That is YOUR responsibility bub.. call an insurance agency. I also figure they want me to email them back so they have my real email addy to spam.
Unfortunately the second guy was clever enough to sound like an actual customer. Hopefully he won't spam the living daylights out of me.
This time I listed my car and I almost immediately got three replies asking about the car.
Unfortunately two of them were pretty much scams. The first seems legit. He says his wife could be interested, and they want to see it. I reply and nothing back yet - but not unexpected, I have to remember that not everyone lives online :)
Second asks me if the car is still for sale - even though I just listed it 10 minutes ago (ok maybe 30) I reply yes, and he replies that it is very undervalued, and tells me to check a "trade in value" website. Well the website won't give me any info until I tell it what I want to trade it in for, and even then wants all kinds of personal info. Screw that. I reply to the guy asking if he wants the car. His reply is "did I check out the website" and mine to him is if he wants to pay me more then I listed the car for, by all means do and I'll accept it. *rolls eyes*
Third email asks me to double check how much insurance will be on the car. I deleted it with out even replying, because this one too sent a website asking me to check information on that page.
Heck, I'm more then willing to help a customer buy a product, but I'm not about to "check insurance rates" on a car for someone else who hasn't even SEEN the car. That is YOUR responsibility bub.. call an insurance agency. I also figure they want me to email them back so they have my real email addy to spam.
Unfortunately the second guy was clever enough to sound like an actual customer. Hopefully he won't spam the living daylights out of me.
196.5
not quite sure I should be typing that, as I can just imagine what is going to happen tomorrow..
But.. that is what the scale told me this morning, so who am I to not shout it from the roof tops??
Ok so you are the only one I've told..
I wasn't all that clean this weekend, eating out a couple of times, but I was conservative and think I did OK (well the scale told me I did) and despite not working out on Friday or Saturday...
But I did work out Sunday.. quite a bit. I ended up doing three hours of cardio for a total burn of over 3000 calories for the day.
But I like this number. Haven't seen anything this low for quite some time..
But.. that is what the scale told me this morning, so who am I to not shout it from the roof tops??
Ok so you are the only one I've told..
I wasn't all that clean this weekend, eating out a couple of times, but I was conservative and think I did OK (well the scale told me I did) and despite not working out on Friday or Saturday...
But I did work out Sunday.. quite a bit. I ended up doing three hours of cardio for a total burn of over 3000 calories for the day.
But I like this number. Haven't seen anything this low for quite some time..
1.24.2010
payback
So in December, I went out to the local Christmas fairs, and bought up all the peanut butter fudge. I bought way more then I should have, but there have been years when I only get one small not the kind I like piece of fudge, so I was happy to find it all. At one point my DH joked that there was probably someone following me around wondering what happened to all the fudge.
Well I guess I am getting my payback now. When I sat down with google to find myself a new car, there was about 10 that I was interested in looking at and 5 or more that I thought would work.
Well most of the ones I was seriously interested in were sold when I showed up at the dealer. The others were either not right or pretty damaged.
*head desk*
So now I'm sitting here considering traveling almost three hours to look at a car that is pushing the budget, or buying one off Ebay sight unseen. I don't much like either option, so my other choice is to fix my current car so it doesn't break on me, and wait it out and hope in the next few months something cool pops up. I don't much like that option either. When I decide I want a different car, I want a different car, and feel like I failed by not finding the right car right away.
Stupid hun? Nothing wrong with having high standards. Wait and it WILL come to me. But why isn't it here waiting for me?
Well I guess I am getting my payback now. When I sat down with google to find myself a new car, there was about 10 that I was interested in looking at and 5 or more that I thought would work.
Well most of the ones I was seriously interested in were sold when I showed up at the dealer. The others were either not right or pretty damaged.
*head desk*
So now I'm sitting here considering traveling almost three hours to look at a car that is pushing the budget, or buying one off Ebay sight unseen. I don't much like either option, so my other choice is to fix my current car so it doesn't break on me, and wait it out and hope in the next few months something cool pops up. I don't much like that option either. When I decide I want a different car, I want a different car, and feel like I failed by not finding the right car right away.
Stupid hun? Nothing wrong with having high standards. Wait and it WILL come to me. But why isn't it here waiting for me?
more dreams
I really must remember that I can only remember two dreams at a time. I had two really interesting dreams the other day, but I kept forgetting to write them down. Then I had another one this morning, and one of the previous dreams disappeared.
The one this morning was about one of my cats. 'F' is a neutered female cat that is about one year old in real life, but in my dream she was pregnant. She was getting ready to give birth, so I put her in the bath tub. I knew she was going to give birth to puppies, so I wanted her to have a lot of room. The bathroom was set up like the bathroom that I grew up in, but the tub was the one I have now. I put in a towel, then filled the tub with water to help her give birth (water birth for a cat??) I realized there was too much water, so I drained some of it out, and she popped out a baby. The baby was covered in mucus, but there was no umbilical cord, nor placenta. Almost immediately the baby was completely dry and fluffy, and it was basically several weeks old, as it was able to jump out of the tub and run around the bathroom. It then jumped back into the tub and cuddled with me. It was white with spots of color. I don't know if it was a cat or a dog.
I started to become concerned about F because she hadn't produced any more babies, and so I ran some more water. The tub completely filled before I realized I wasn't draining as well, so I turned the knob to drain the water. F tried to get comfortable on the small soaked towel that was all bunched up in the corner near the drain. I was thinking about fixing it or giving her a new one, when her vulva opened up and another mucus covered baby popped out. This one was black and white, and reminded me a lot of a stuffed panda. Her vulva remained open, so I peeked in and saw several more babies sitting up and wiggling around. I counted the babies inside, and declared she was going to have nine babies.
um.. OK.. I guess I'm getting kitten fever again ;)
The one that I remember from the other day is I was walking towards a carnival. I seem to dream a lot of carnivals/amusement parks. There were really tall big rides, and in my mind I was walking towards the carnival, but I was walking under these rides. The field I was walking in was surrounded by a gully that was filled with water. When I tried to jump over the gully I fell in. The gully was filled with cabbages, and they stuck to me very much like burrs would. I climbed out of the gully and started pulling large cabbages off of me.
cabbages? really? my brain is so interesting sometimes.
while typing out that one I did remember the other dream. I was moving into an apartment with some other people. We were trying to figure out who was going to take which room. We looked around, and opened up a closet type room and saw a washer and drier. I was glad to see we had a washer, and went further into the room. Turns out that the room was much larger then it seemed, and I thought it would be nice to put a sitting area in the back half of the room. I walked back there to see what might fit, and I realized there was a door back there. I opened the door, and there was another room and I decided I wanted that room. All of a sudden the empty room was lived in, and it had french doors that led outside to a well established garden. In the room was two pelicans. They were very large, and insisted on going outside. They flew outside, and grabbed two rather large kohlrabi from the garden, and then flew back inside (flew meaning half flying and half walking) and hunkered down in the living area to eat them. The living area was covered in sand, and it was intentional - almost as if trying to mimic the beach for the pelicans. But why they were eating (and how as pelicans can't bite off pieces in RL but in my dream they were) kohlrabi I have no idea.
My dreams are pretty interesting that is for certain
room washing machines pelekins rutabagas
The one this morning was about one of my cats. 'F' is a neutered female cat that is about one year old in real life, but in my dream she was pregnant. She was getting ready to give birth, so I put her in the bath tub. I knew she was going to give birth to puppies, so I wanted her to have a lot of room. The bathroom was set up like the bathroom that I grew up in, but the tub was the one I have now. I put in a towel, then filled the tub with water to help her give birth (water birth for a cat??) I realized there was too much water, so I drained some of it out, and she popped out a baby. The baby was covered in mucus, but there was no umbilical cord, nor placenta. Almost immediately the baby was completely dry and fluffy, and it was basically several weeks old, as it was able to jump out of the tub and run around the bathroom. It then jumped back into the tub and cuddled with me. It was white with spots of color. I don't know if it was a cat or a dog.
I started to become concerned about F because she hadn't produced any more babies, and so I ran some more water. The tub completely filled before I realized I wasn't draining as well, so I turned the knob to drain the water. F tried to get comfortable on the small soaked towel that was all bunched up in the corner near the drain. I was thinking about fixing it or giving her a new one, when her vulva opened up and another mucus covered baby popped out. This one was black and white, and reminded me a lot of a stuffed panda. Her vulva remained open, so I peeked in and saw several more babies sitting up and wiggling around. I counted the babies inside, and declared she was going to have nine babies.
um.. OK.. I guess I'm getting kitten fever again ;)
The one that I remember from the other day is I was walking towards a carnival. I seem to dream a lot of carnivals/amusement parks. There were really tall big rides, and in my mind I was walking towards the carnival, but I was walking under these rides. The field I was walking in was surrounded by a gully that was filled with water. When I tried to jump over the gully I fell in. The gully was filled with cabbages, and they stuck to me very much like burrs would. I climbed out of the gully and started pulling large cabbages off of me.
cabbages? really? my brain is so interesting sometimes.
while typing out that one I did remember the other dream. I was moving into an apartment with some other people. We were trying to figure out who was going to take which room. We looked around, and opened up a closet type room and saw a washer and drier. I was glad to see we had a washer, and went further into the room. Turns out that the room was much larger then it seemed, and I thought it would be nice to put a sitting area in the back half of the room. I walked back there to see what might fit, and I realized there was a door back there. I opened the door, and there was another room and I decided I wanted that room. All of a sudden the empty room was lived in, and it had french doors that led outside to a well established garden. In the room was two pelicans. They were very large, and insisted on going outside. They flew outside, and grabbed two rather large kohlrabi from the garden, and then flew back inside (flew meaning half flying and half walking) and hunkered down in the living area to eat them. The living area was covered in sand, and it was intentional - almost as if trying to mimic the beach for the pelicans. But why they were eating (and how as pelicans can't bite off pieces in RL but in my dream they were) kohlrabi I have no idea.
My dreams are pretty interesting that is for certain
room washing machines pelekins rutabagas
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