oh great

I am now using the infamous "you can't POSSIBLY be hungry" line with myself..

*head desk*

I grew up with that line. My mother threw it at me all the friggen time. I think it is why I got so heavy, because I believed if I felt hungry that I must be.

that and I hated that line so very very much. When you are a growing child, it is possible to have had dinner and still be hungry later.

For the past couple of days I've been an empty pit of wanten food consumption. Fortunately I have been able to control it for the most part. My body (or maybe it is my mind) REALLY REALLY wants cookies. I gave in, and gave it some, but it is still screaming for cookies. I have had healthy meals and snacks today, so honestly I know my body can't really be hungry for food, but why it is screaming for it I don't understand.

Earlier in the week I spent the entire day with stomach pain. It started when I was working out (jogging on a trampoline) all of a sudden I got quite nauseous. I sat down waiting for it to pass, but it wouldn't so I went about my morning routine. When I gave my stomach breakfast (a tofu smoothie) is when it really hit the fan. Pain like a major cramp. It hurt when I ate, it hurt when I didn't eat. It did wax and wane, so i wasn't horribly worried. I figured it was still there the next day I'd be concerned. After dinner I went to bed and layed down for a bit, and my body (or should I just call this thing the evil cookie monster that lives at the end of this book) asked for refined carbs. Cookies, toast, anything.

I am trying to be honest with myself, and allow the pain and emotions to come up and not hide them with food or denial, so for one of the first times I just let myself sit there in pain. I am not 100% sure it was the right thing to do, but I got through the night and it is now gone.

As you may or may not know, I have been on DepoProvera for 15+ years. I haven't had a monthly period for about that long. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that as my periods used to be horrific. LOTS of bleeding, lots of pain, lots of PMS. I was at the point where I wanted to rip my uterus out by hand. Since my Dr tells me there is nothing medically wrong with me to explain the weight gain and the exhaustion, I have decided to intentionally go off the depo. There have been a couple of times since I lost the weight that I forgot my shot. After my cat died, it was quite a few months, and recently it was a month. Both times I started losing weight. I have NO idea of they are connected, but I am intending to find out. I am NOT amused at the prospect, but I have to try something. While I could live with the weight gain I wouldn't like it, but this exhaustion is life altering. I am doing little more then work/exercise/sleep. Not that I expect my life would be filled with huge treks and adventures if I had some energy, but man it would be nice to be able to hem some pants one night and not feel like I was moving mountains. So since the 14th I have been officially "off depo" yes yes, it is not a to the minute thing, but that was the day it was supposed to be renewed.

I have been good but not anal about my food intake. If I wanted a small portion of ice cream I had it. We had chinese food, and pizza. Again I was aware and had small portions and lots of veggies and I haven't stopped exercising (but I have missed a day or two as opposed to the 7 days a week I had been) and I got up to 206. Well the past few days I have tried to be a bit more careful but still not anal. I had a chip or two, a small bite of chocolate, etc. Now I'm down to 204.5 Not quite sure where I'm going with this thought, or even if you care at all (probably not, I don't expect I'm all that interesting) but I blog to keep a diary for myself. If someone else finds my little rantings and finds some help in it, great. I always liked the idea of peeking into someone else's life and most blogs that do that are so squeeky clean (your family friendly G rated nothing bad EVER happens kind of thing) that while they are funny and interesting, they certainly aren't very true to life.

But one thing that IS interesting since stopping the depo is all of a sudden my colon is cleaning itself out like gangbusters. Dr. Oz would be totally proud if he were on poop patrol.

While I wouldn't say I was constipated prior to this, because my colon has pretty much always worked well with some waxing and waning (I can't believe I used that twice in one post) of drier stools and pebbles. But for the week or two prior I would have maybe once every other day eliminations, but now I'm not only having my daily cleanings (isn't this such a fun subject) but once again it has started to pop up out random events through out the day.

Again I have no idea if any of this is related. Would be very interesting if it was, but also a little confusing because it isn't like none of this stuff happened while I was ON depo. *shrug*

I am not hungry
I am not hungry
I am NOT HUNGRY DAMN IT!!
Next time I'm buying cookies that DON"T talk!! (yes, laugh at me, I deserve it)

203

Ok, I'm officially late in my Depo shot, so while I wouldn't say I am "off depo" I'm on the right side of missing my shot to see if this helps me lose weight. I haven't been watching my diet so closely either. I had pizza on Friday and Applebees on Sunday. but I only had two pieces of a medium and a chicken dish from A. Ok so the chicken was covered in cheese, and came with rice, and I ate quite a few "buffalo chicken nuggets" which I am sure was far from the innocent thing they look like

I am exercising still, and I am not going overboard food wise(as evidence of this there is still a peanut butter cheesecake slice or four in the fridge)I think my plan is to give this two or three months and see what happens to my weight. Then I'm going to a plastic surgeon to see what he can do.

*sigh* It is friggen annoying that I'm still dealing with this, but c'est la vie.

I had a weird dream the other night. I was visiting my 20 yr old son in prison. He was tall with short yet shaggy black hair. He was ... mentally challenged? but not so much so that he wasn't functioning, just a smidge slow. While I was there I apparently gave birth because all of a sudden I was introducing him to my daughter, who was very much a baby. she was a little bigger then a newborn, but I believed her to be a newborn. I remember gushing about how advanced she was. How she was able to hold her head up, and turn over.. I remember comparing her to how quickly a kitten acclimates to their world.. my "son" was bothered by the fact that his sister was getting so much attention.

I'm very much in a quandary about buying a Mini Cooper. I like the convertible. the convertible WILL work with the carriers (the large one won't fit in the back very easily with the top up, but I can put it in the front seat) but the convertible does NOT come in Silk Green. Apparently that was only available in 02 and 03 and the convertible came out in 04! So either I can go with a regular ol mini cooper in a really rare color that I'll probably never find up for sale anywhere near me, or I can buy a white or silver convertible and have it painted.. which I don't much like the idea either. I went up to see a MCC in "Purple Haze" which also was an interesting color.. but it was a manual, and I much want an automatic.

and I'm also not quite ready to buy a new car. I'm thinking I'm going to wait a year.

But why I keep looking, I'm not quite sure.

I got my hair cut last week. I'm somewhere between loving it and hating it. I asked for a couple inches to be removed and some layers so it didn't hang so heavily on my head. non layered hair hung so straight and made my face so long. Well that is what she did. She even did it with the part in the right place. When she was done styling it though, it appeared like there was a HUGE chunk of hair missing on the side of my head that has the most hair (I part on the right, so the left side) she said she "cut it the same" but I pointed it out, and she said if I moved the part both sides would be even.. um.. HELLO!! huge cowlick which is why I part it where I do! we had that discussion. Sad thing is that she is right. When my hair falls with the part in the middle it looks right. How is that possible since she cut it with the part on the right side?? My left side does not look layered at all. It just hangs straight down the side of my face like a curtain. I keep finding long strands as well. I've already cut one of them off, and gratefully it worked. I'm not sure if I want to try trimming the left side myself, or if I want to go in and complain. I hate complaining, but I don't much like several aspects of my hair (what's new!) I don't think I'm unreasonable, but the few people i've talked to about my cut all say it is adorable. *shrug* I know I'm always harder on myself then others, but I don't think I'm out of line. Probably a few more days and I'll decide - and chances are I'll just try to butcher it myself, since I HATE having my hair cut..

another break down

Guess I have to start a new catagory. While I don't remember when the first one was, there was that time I was exercising and as I was walking upstairs I just didn't want to face it (no, no idea what "it" was) and I sat on the stairs crying for who knows how long.

Today I was getting ready for work and DH cleaned my blender and didn't put it back together properly. I did not realize until I had put all my ingredients in it and tried to get it to blend. When I realized it was not connecting properly I lifted the carafe off and realized that it was leaking all over the place.

now since DH is off on his annual ski trip he wasn't around to yell at and to have him fix it for me. Yes yes, I am an adult woman, I should have been able to do it myself, but I have been in a funk all weekend, and I had barely been able to pull myself out of it. I had been functioning on this side of funk, but not by much. It was too much for me to deal with, so I didn't. I put the carafe in the sink for Dh to deal with when he gets home tomorrow night (won't he be amused) and tried to figure out what to have for breakfast. Genearlly I bring a packet of oatmeal to work and a plastic container to put it in so I don't have to dirty any work dishes. Well we keep the containers in one cabinet, and the covers in another. DH in his brillant unthinking way keeps every container cover EVER. Seriously. the cover for a pack of cheese was in there!! frustrated, I grabbed all the covers and just threw them across the kitchen. Cats were not amused, and I realized my reaction was a little beyond the norm. Tears started falling down my face, and one of my cats came up to my feet and started meowing at me. I sunk to the floor and sat there tears streaming down my face for at least 20 minutes, if not half an hour. I could not talk myself into getting up and getting started with my day. I was already half an hour late for work, and I didn't even want to call out, but I couldn't get going. I just sat there watching the cats play with some catnip toys. I got a few visits - wondering what mom was doing on the floor, but none of them hung around long enough to give me any serious attention. I finally threatened to get a dog... this got J's attention and he walked up to me with the most concerned look on his face. M also came over for some lovin, but they both walked off rather quickly. T showed up and sat down on my leg.

Dh sent an email last night with a pict of himself to show Kit. *rolls eyes* I feel like telling him and ruining his trip, but really what would be the point in that. He'd probably just get mad in the long run thinking that I won't let him go off and do anything he wants to do..

well damn it he can't. at least not with out consequences. Does he think I can take care of myself??

oh wait.. I am an adult aren't I? *grumble grumble grumble* I just really wish I could deal better when I get so friggen frustrated that I can barely breath..

(no spell check in IE sorry)

#@%*$##!!!!

Ok, so apparently my scale lied to me for weeks. Or maybe it's just lying to me know who knows. This morning it also read 203

*sob*

Maybe this means I should be looking into liposuction and getting my arms cut off..

*shrug*

I mean it isn't like I'm buying a new car

dream

This one was odd. I know I'm forgetting some interesting events, because I have vague memories of things I can't connect to anything.

Started out at a large hall where we had dinner. DH, I a friend K, and his significant other (he's now married in RL but I have never met her, and and I have no idea if it was a wife or a girlfriend in the dream) K and I have always been hand holding hugging friends, and in the dream we were standing in line to pay and he was hugging me. DH paid for us and then left the building. I stayed with K, and then followed them out. DH moved on to the next destination which was a large mansion that was to be the site of a game or treasure hunt. Seemed more serious then just a game.

The entrance was part of the game. DH had already figured it out and was on the far side and was yelling across to walk me through. I was now alone, apparently K had decided to do something else or enter somewhere else. I had to balance and step quickly on round platforms. When I had finally gotten across DH had moved on to the next puzzle (In rl he is very competitive - driven to win, but I doubt he would have left me) I knew he went right, so I went down the corridor. There were people milling around in rooms that were off the hall, but I spotted Dh at the very end, so I worked my way down there. He was wearing a pair of specialized glasses. (similar in function to the ones in the movie National Treasure) He said things looked a little different. We were in an old fashioned dormitory, with lots of beds. On one of the beds was a woman sleeping. DH went to the woman who apparently was a fake. On her he found a clue, and it led him to a hidden door he could see with the glasses. He went through the door, and I followed. But because he had the glasses he could continue on. I had to stay where I was and wait for him. I could see him down the hall. Someone came up to me. This is where things get fuzzy. I remember being hugged by another man but I don't know if that was in this dream or another. I then remember talking another guy into letting me color his t-shirts (not ones he was wearing) with a sharpie. For some reason this had sexual overtones - no idea what or how at this point, but I definitely remember not wanting DH to find me.

and the darkness decends

Ok, so I am NOT buying a new car. After another miserable weekend of cars being sold out from under me and another saying "NOOO!! DON'T BUY ME!!" (by having a dead battery that we had to jump three times, that died that final time because I turned the heat on and had a bad back wheel, and a sales associate that was totally unwilling to dicker on the price - and no, they weren't a no haggle place) I gave up.

I feel absolutely horrible about it too since I put my car up for sale on craigslist. I had someone interested enough in it to take it for an inspection. He offered me 30% less then my asking price, which I was NOT amused with, but I'm sure we could have come up with a mutually agreeable price. I hated backing out of that, but I just couldn't sell my car as it is my only means of transport. He even emailed me twice since I told him I couldn't do it, and I don't have the strength to read the emails. I made DH read them - to make sure I didn't need to do anything and when I asked if they weren't nice, he took long enough to reply that I told him not to tell me - I can only assume they weren't happy emails.

And not only do I not get a fun cool new car, I have to pay to fix up my old one and I'm stuck with the quirks of this thing.

Woke up this morning after having dealt with that on Sunday (among a few other disappointments and miseries) almost unable to deal with moving through life. I did NOT want to get up, did NOT want to take a shower. did NOT want to eat breakfast. and I most certainly did NOT want to deal with my husband. Still don't really - hope he just forgets about how miserable I was this morning and doesn't want to "discuss" it. Somehow I did everything but breakfast (ok so I brought a 115 calorie protein bar and did end up eating that at 10) and I was only half an hour late for work.

But I'm still quite blue/dark/miserable. I still have to make an appointment for my car. I still have a really sore neck. and I still can't see anything good coming out of the next few days..

I took a double dose of Sam-E so hopefully this clears up by tomorrow..

Most annoying of all? I got up this morning and weighed. 197.5 I went back to bed and wallowed in my depression before I forced myself to exercise. I did about 40 minutes (maybe 45) and went back up to take a shower. Got back on the scale... 203!! WTF! If I had had a sledge hammer I would have hit it. It is just darn lucky that throwing it out the window wouldn't have been nearly as easy as it sounds. We have those stupid screens that are connected at the top and the bottom, so you can't just open the window and chuck. The old scale that has been reading 203 right along, actually read 202.5!! I must not place my self worth in a number on a scale, but damn it if it wasn't one of the hardest things to see - this morning of all mornings..

*lets my inner child go and hide under the covers for the rest of the day*