From Self Magazine April 2010

Regarding the "Would you rather be Fat & Happy? Or Thin & Sad?" article.

I've made my decision. The antidepressant I went on made me eat things I wouldn't normally eat with out them, so I figured I'd rather be sad and thin (and healthy) so I knew where I landed on this question before I even read the article. It was interesting to listen to someone else talk about the question though. It is not a perfectly written article, there are segments that are meandering and hard to follow, but for the most part it is quite compelling and I am enjoying reading it... However her closing paragraph is something I wanted to clip and keep

"I have also come to see that my body is not really mine. Its atoms existed before me and will continue to exist long after I am gone. My body belongs not only to me but also to those I love. It is merely on loan to me, temporarily assembled, and if it becomes ill, the people who rely on it, who rely on me, suffer, too. In this sense, we are all bridges to one another, stretched out tip to toe, sometimes colliding but undoubtedly joined each one of us a possible point of communion, in happiness, in sadness, in sickness, and hopefully, in health."

(see what I mean about the meandering.. too many commas there, but alas you get the point)

I accept that my depression and my anxiety are chemical imbalances in my brain and have nothing to do with reality. I am temporarily assembled slightly differently, but that is ok, it is what makes me unique. I don't doubt that I am a round peg in a square world, and that sometimes makes it even more difficult for me to function despite my neurons firing properly in my head (and more so when they aren't)

But.. that is how I was created for this life. I have come to accept that my Creator had a purpose for me to be like this, and I do take some sort of odd little pride at that. It doesn't make it easy, it just makes it bearable..

Andrew Koenig

Dear Andrew,

I am so sorry you felt the need to take your own life. And I am very sorry that no one seems to be able to respect you for an individual, and not so and so's son. I'm sorry they can't seem to accept any of your accomplishments beyond Growing Pains.

I did not know you. I could not know your pain. But I do know those you left behind miss you terribly.

I pray you have found the peace you were searching for.

*head desk*

Ok, there is soemthing seriously wrong with me. Not something that I can't overcome I guess, but it is still annoying me.

I have this problem where I am full. I have eaten a healthy (or even not so healthy) meal (or snack) and I have filled my stomach up to the point where I am full, and for some reason I feel the need to shove something else in there.

This weekend (and currently at the moment) it is cookies. I made chocolate chip cookies for an office shindig, and I couldn't stop shoveling them into my mouth. I am currently a little more then comfortably full and they are STILL calling my name. It is so ticking me off.

What is also ticking me off is that my weight this morning was 206.5!!! what the hell!! I swear to ... well I just swear that there is something behind this besides diet (cookies aside because four small home made chocolate chip cookies does not four pounds make) I'm thinking I need to make my dr give me thyroid meds - since I have every single one of the symptoms.. although I'm not quite sure about the brittle hair, but my nails break quite regularly despite adding biotin to my diet..

it makes me want to shove another cookie into my mouth..

interesting.. ok not really

Well I posted that I thought I was doing better.. Well I'm not. I'm up to 204.5 lbs (I was at 205, went to 203 then popped back up) and my colon has slowed right down. Such a bizarre thing to not make any obvious changes and have such dramatic changes in the body..

I am making an effort to get more protein rich foods back into my diet. Simply because the oatmeal fits calorie wise, doesn't really mean it fits into the diet that worked for me. I went down to 203 getting more protein. Last night we had pancakes for dinner (I had extra calories free) which were pretty protein light and pop goes the scale.. So I'm going to be more aware of the amount of protein I'm getting (going for 100 grams per day, but I generally fall in to 80-90) and see what happens. On days when I watch calories alone, I generally fall into the 50 gram range.

I'm also starting to be more aware of the fact that I am CONSTANTLY stressed. Some sort of weird anxiety going on. I tend to self medicate that with carbs which does make me feel better. I constantly feel like I'm hyped up on caffeine - but not in the good way. What is even more bizarre is that I'm usually exhausted when I'm feeling this way. Its like my body is fighting to stay awake for some unknown reason. At first I thought it was the high protein diet, and my body's response to trying to metabolize it all.. but it continued even when I wasn't eating as much protein. *shrug* so I need to get my tushie in gear and look up some natural ways to help ease anxiety.. I suppose I should get back into getting regular massage, but it is just so darn expensive..

and I still so very much want to get Lipo to suck out the troubled bits. I'm still in the waiting phase to see if being off depo will make a difference in my weight loss. I guess being aware of this experiment is throwing it off completely, because I wanted to see if I would lose weight not being on a diet, and of course I ate more then I should have.

I also have decided I want to buy a Mini Cooper. But not just ANY Mini Cooper, but a silk green one, and I just found one a couple of states over. I wasn't planning on buying a new car for six months to a year, but these things aren't all that common, so I'm thinking I should go look at it and maybe even buy it. I'm bummed because it is not a convertible, but I just know if I try to get a car painted this color it won't come out right. *shrug*