becareful what you ask for

so I got all annoyed with the half pounds, so as a present my scale rounded UP.. *grumble*

But I didn't get annoyed because I slept horribly.  Then just to mess with my head it went up another pound to 228 this morning.. *grumble grumble*  I exercised yesterday and had a very light dinner.. *grumble grumble* I feel like a three year old being punished for not playing the game right when I've never been told the rules.

I'm pissed.  I'm so tired and frustrated to be angry.  I just want to cry.

dr. appointment tomorrow.  I doubt that I'll get any answers, but maybe I'll get a new direction to try.

226.5

arrgh.

I'm miserable, tired, and can barely walk up the stairs with out getting winded.  This is getting freakingly annoying. 

So as I was making my morning smoothie, my husband asked me if I was going to have the buckwheat waffles we saw at the grocery store this past weekend.  I reminded him that I didn't buy it because I wasn't sure if I was allergic to buckwheat or not.  I got out my list at that point (because I did want to know) and I am.

at that point I looked at the ingredients of my raw protein powder and there were quite a few ingredients in it that are also on my list.  I hate wasting food, but at that point I had my husband throw it out, and I even through out the shake I had just made.  so wouldn't it be great if things cleared right up now?

My bad tooth is feeling better.  I can tell things are settled down and I'm just waiting for the pulp to stop being annoyed.   I'm glad because it too is very annoying.

225.5/226.5/227.5

Welcome to my life.

Every day at 5pm my energy goes out shopping or to Mars or something and I pretty much feel dead.  Some how I get my tushie home from work and I can barely get in the door and get my work things put down before I collapse on the bed for a little rest.  I'm very thankful my husband cooks dinner, so I can eat.  I then drag my butt out of bed and go down stairs and feed the foster kittens and take care of them.  I walk back up the stairs, now exhausted from the effort, and crash back on the bed.  I feel like I'm horribly neglecting my own cats and my husband... but he sees me trying to fix my life, so at least he understands.

Last night I thought I'd try to forgo the PM rest to see if it got me to sleep any faster, and it did by about an hour, but this morning I still barely made it out of bed, and I was still half an hour late to work.  *sigh*  and I was doing so much better on Monday, I thought I'd finally turned a corner.

I also woke up this morning to a white tongue that barely fit in my mouth.  the teeth grooves were very prominent.  not only that but those tooth issues I mentioned yesterday ballooned into full blown loose teeth.  It happens from time to time, and they settle eventually but since one of those teeth was the one that was last worked on and was a bitch to heal, i've got some tooth pain when I chew on things or clench my teeth.  (which means no chewing gum, which is killing me)

so grumpy, tired, swollen and with a bit of tooth discomfort I shuffled over to my scale.  Mostly nekkid I stepped on, and it fluctuated between 226.5 and 227.5 (oh how I hate those 0.5 lbs) before finally settling on the lower number.  Ok.. so I hate the scale.  I was curious what the other scale said, and it said 225.5.. so at least all the dried fruit I ended up eating yesterday wasn't a major issue.. (I brought too many apricots intending to keep some at work as a back up snack for those bad days, and apparently it was a bad day and I ate them all)

so now grumpy, tired, swollen and with some tooth discomfort I get to go down and deal with foster kittens that have diarrhea that isn't clearing up, who are needy and won't wean.  I forgot a syringe to medicate them, so back up the stairs, more time out of breath, back down the stairs, feed feed feed, medicate medicate medicate medicate, back up the stairs, crap it is the time I'm supposed to be AT work, and I still haven't had breakfast nor packed up lunch.. *sigh*  Fortunately I've precooked lunch and just need to put it in a bowl, but crap all the storage containers large enough for lunch are dirty.  Well there is two servings of rice in the larger rice bowl, so I took one out and stuck it in a small bowl and took my lunch in the bowl that the rice was stored in.. problem solved, I feel all smart and clever.. yea! cause frankly that is a first for a while. pack everything up (yogurt and berries for breakfast and the rest of the berries for a snack) and head off to work.. get there, put my lunch back on the shelf  where I always put it and 10 minutes later it falls off and my container of yogurt opens and half of it spills on the floor.  guess that is one way to lose weight hun?

*sigh*

I still feel like I'm going through some major "die off" while my body adjusts to life with out "allergens" I'm on day 10, when on earth is this going to end and I'm going to start feeling human again??

226.5 vs 224.5

what is it with these half pounds anyway??

so I'm grudgingly starting to admit that maybe just maybe there is something to this food "allergy" thing.  I don't get it, I don't like it (GIVE ME A GRILLED CHEESE DARN IT!!) but it is hard to complain when the scale is finally starting to go in the right direction.

Not sure why the old scale is so much lower then the new one.  It fluctuates so frequently, sometimes it is higher sometimes lower, sometimes right on... which is of course the reason I got the new scale.  But I weighed this morning, did some oil pulling because my teeth have been hurting a bit, and then went pee, and I thought hey, maybe I will have lost more weight, but nope, still 226.5 so I jumped on the old one.  Since that one was reading 225, the 224 was nice to see.

I still FEEL like I'm gaining.  I feel so bloated and itchy and crappy.  But hey, I've said it before that I often feel fat when I'm losing weight, so I'm just going to go with it.

I'm also having a hard time emotionally.  I feel like this is a ... parden the expression.. a bread and water diet, and I'm never going to be happy on it.  Right now I am being really restrictive and not allowing ANYTHING on the list (that I can help) I'm assuming that once I talk to the dr about it, I'll be able to start adding in a few things on the first tier of things to avoid and seeing how it effects my weight loss health.  (which of course will most likely show up as weight gain since except for the weight gain and fatigue, I didn't feel like I was having an allergic reaction)

Right now I'm reminding myself of that tooth paste commercial series, where one spouse says to the other, try this your breath will feel fresh through out what ever we are going to do, and the other says something along the lines of yea right.  But they cut to the end, and low and behold the breath is still fresh, and the one with the newly fresh breath extension says "I want to be mad, but it is hard when you look so cute" or something along those lines (I Tivo mostly, so I don't spend a lot of time watching commercials)  It is hard to remember to be mad at this diet when I'm seeing the scale actually going in the right direction.  (that and I'm eating full fat cultured milk products which are actually quite delicious.. )

organic

Ok, I also wanted to admit that I'm starting to see a distinct difference between organic and conventional products.  The beef broth I make with conventional bones does not gel at all, but those I make with organic ones (well I get them from Whole Foods, I'm assuming they are organic) gels up nicely.

So the only other change I've made to my diet other then removing the "allergens" is to try to go as organic as possible.  But I'm not watching my calories at all.

226.5

I was at 229 all weekend.  Very hard to not let it bug me since I was feeling absolutely MISERABLE all weekend.  Feverish, tired, worn out just walking up the stairs... I felt pretty pathetic.  Fortunately DH was on board with the shit I have to go through right now cause all I wanted was a grilled cheese sandwich, and he made me a grass fed burger (sans bun) with pepper and chopped broccoli.

I'm not completely convinced that the number I got today is legit.  I guess we'll find that out over the next few days.

on a bright note, I actually made it into work before 9AM.. (usually Im here by 9:30, and I should be here by 9)

also found out that Ann Curry is taking on the anchor of the Today show. *shudder*  I've said it before, she does great scripted, but she is NOT a live interview person in the least.  Guess I'm switching to GMA.  According to Twitter, I'm not the only one.  I hate to see what they are going to do when they realize that a lot of people can't stand her live interview skills and switch.    She's put in her time, and I am sure she really really wants it.. and she is great when it is pretaped.. But this so is NOT the job for her.

229.5

no change.  Not surprised.

I did have an excess of gas yesterday which I thought rather interesting.  I also had a hard time going to sleep, I felt wired like I usually do when I have too much protein and not enough carbs.  I usually have a piece of bread and I settle and go right to sleep.  but since bread is out, I just 'toughed it out' and eventually after some tossing I got to sleep.

This morning I could feel my colon being a little gassy, not sure what is going on.  So I took my probiotic and later ate my typical morning smoothie and had some oatmeal with coconut manna and cinnamon (it was quite yummy)

I have a massage this afternoon.  Hopefully with some feel good hormones running through me I'll be able to get right to sleep tonight and tomorrow the scale will give me a nice gift..

229.5

well that number was both surprisingly good and annoyingly frustrated, since that is the number I've been for weeks (since the last hurrah weekend before starting the food allergy diet)

So I went and stepped on the old scale.  That one used to say either 229.5 or 227.5 which is so bizarre.  But this time it read 226.5.  So maybe things are working ?? (as much as I want them to, a little part of me is screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOO.. cause it does not want to think about life with out bread and cheese)

I did screw up yesterday.  I found a package of health high fiber cheese puffs (no, really!) and I thought they would make a good afternoon snack, and they did.. but I forgot that the cheese part of cheese puffs involved cheese, one of the no no foods..   I was 3/4ths of the way through the package, so I just finished them.  *shrug*  no one is perfect right?

I also find myself in a bit of a quandary.  A friend of mine has a 10 yr old daughter who he wants to lose a little weight.  I found out about this because he talked to her about it while at my house.  It was not demeaning at all, probably just a little bit of reinforcement of the idea.  I don't think he's being unreasonable, she has a reward coming if she can lose x amount of weight.. I can't remember if it was 5 or 10 lbs and she has months to accomplish it.  But as someone who was 'talked to" about weight at nine, and was put on a diet, and was told "you can't possibly be hungry" and the memories I have of that time, I feel compelled to say something.  I haven't yet... mostly because I'm not sure how to go about it with out getting excessively personal.  While they were visiting she got on my mini trampoline and really enjoyed jumping on it, so I gave her a spare that a friend had given me because she bought it to use and then felt guilty because she wasn't.  I know how many calories you can burn on that thing vs other forms of exercise and since she loved it so much I couldn't help it.  He's out of state for several months now, so I won't see either one of them for a while, and I'm not quite sure that I should say something. 

I'm rambling.  it is sad that weight is such a hard topic to talk about with other people, ranks right up there with money and politics doesn't it?

detoxing?

I'm miserable.  I'm tired, cranky, and feel horribly bloated.  I also slept miserably last night and actually gained weight overnight.. fun fun

I was 232 when I went to bed (I know I shouldn't have jumped on the scale, but I was curious) and 232.5 when I woke up.  Now granted, I got maybe five hours of sleep, which explains a lot.  I tend to gain when I sleep miserably.  I also weighed after 40 minutes in a hot sauna, so there might have been a bit of dehydration in that.

I have no idea why I am at work today.  Guess I figured I'd be miserable here and get paid, instead of miserable at home and not (well I'd have to use a sick day)

I'm going to assume this is working if I get under 227, hopefully pretty quickly - hopefully by next week.

I think the part of this I hate the most is the no vanilla.  I went through all of my chocolate bars this morning, they all had vanilla in them :(  I know the amount is minimal and it probably won't matter, but I won't feel I'm doing this full throttle if I eat anything on the "so your allergic to it" list.  I tend to put vanilla in a lot of things.. I'm just glad it isn't cinnamon as well.

*sigh*

232 this morning, which is good.  but day one was very hard.  Day two is shaping up to be harder as breakfast didn't last nearly as long as I thought it would (based on yesterday)

that's ok, I'm not starving, I'm distracted.  I can deal.  So far other then bread (which is always hard for me to give up) I'm not craving any of the foods I shouldn't be eating.  For the most part most of those foods were easy to eat, a handful of almonds when I wanted a snack, a little cheese on my lunch or dinner for some flavor and fat.. I really hate it when my food is difficult (aka requires a lot of prep).  I am a child of packaged foods, and it frustrates me that I have to shy away from that.

I was also watching the news this morning (ok listening to it) and apparently half of my assumptions yesterday were wrong.  They went in there to kill not to capture.  according to the news people I listened to it wasn't even an option.  Just so sad.

Day one

I know it has been a while since I blogged.  My blog, my perogitive.

I've been seeing a new dr, and we have tried several new things, and no success.  My weight has just gone up and up.  I can not express to you how frustrating that is.  To do everything right and be 'rewarded" with a great big YOU SUCK on the scale.  My clothes no longer fit, and I'm fast approaching the size of clothing that I gave away a few years ago.  I'm down to three pairs of pants that are all very tight on me.  Two are shredding at the thigh, and the third is a black pair of jeans.  I don't mind wearing blue jeans over and over again, but I feel black stands out so people notice you are wearing the same thing.

I'm at the point where I want to have liposuction just to get rid of some of it, but I know that is not the answer.  I also am seriously considering HCG.  I've been doing a ton of reading on it, and I don't believe it is the solution for me long term, but if it gets me back into my clothes until I figure out what IS wrong with me, I'd be thrilled.

The last thing to have happen was to do allergy testing.  It finally came back, and I am "allergic" or sensitive to a majority of the foods I have been eating.  Casin (a protein in milk), wheat, gluten, almonds, peanuts are some of the biggies that came back as "bad" along with a few others I was surprised at and some I wasn't.  Swiss cheese came back as bad - which I am not shocked over in the least - but so did cheddar.  But yogurt was ok?? Whey proteins are fine, which is good because I eat a lot of those.

So, I've decided to give this 30 days.  having a 'time limit' on eliminating some of my favorite foods from my life is going to make this easier.  if I lose weight and my tongue stops being swollen, then I've got my answer don't I?  I really want this to work, (see above frustrations) but some part of me really does not want it to... cause if I have to eliminate bread and cheese from my diet, I am going to be so incredibly sad.  I suppose I don't really need to eliminate it all together, just when I want to lose weight and feel good hun?

up until this weekend I was 229.5  Since my elimination diet is going to have an affect on my husband, I let him pick the last two meals we would have with out restriction.  This morning 235 (or 234 depending since the scale wouldn't settle on one number)

I did get outside and garden this weekend.  Ok so I got outside and removed the weeds from my garden.  I can't express to you how much I hate to garden. I hate vine-ing weeds.  I hate slugs, I hate Japanese beetles, I hate spiders, and I HATE grubs that turn into Japanese beetles. I hate being out in the sun, I hate being bitten by biting ants when I disturb their nest, I hate sore muscles from kneeling, I hate sore muscles in my hands from pulling weeds that are so sore that I think my hands have gone numb.  I hate flying insects that buzz around my head as I'm trying to get things accomplished.  I HATE clover that is such a pain to pull out.  I hate trying to find new places for plants, and that when I dig a hole that it doesn't seem right.  I hate that I go through all of this work and the plants often don't grow at all, or die rather quickly once i get them into the ground.  I also really do not like using the word hate..

but I really love peonies.  and I love that they bloom at my house in time for my birthday - a week later then everyone else.  I'm also hoping to love asparagus.. that would be really nice.  I have some pumpkin seeds sprouting at work, and I'm going to put those in my garden in a couple of weeks.  I'm hoping to love pumpkins this fall.

the hate really outweighs the love.. tell me again why I do this?

So sad...

I woke up to the news that Osama Bin Ladin had been killed.  Not what I was sad about.  In the next breath the news anchors were sharing the "joy of the nation" about the fact that a man was dead.

Doesn't this just feed into the reasons why this man wanted us all dead?? I mean seriously, who takes JOY at the death of another individual, and what kind of country does.

I do believe that some people do deserve to be killed.  I believe that it isn't our individual right to decide that though.  As a believer in God I think that is in His hands.  (and I'd like to believe this was)

I hope against hope that the reason this man is dead is because he chose to be.  That when they invaded, he refused to give up, and there was no choice but to kill him or be killed.  I would like to think the men who invaded that compound did not go there with the express intention of killing him.  I would like to think that the alive part of "wanted dead or alive" was most important.  I'd like to think that our values dictate that and that they do not let the hatred over what he has done win.  Too many people let the hatred win... which is why OBL was such an angry guy and probably why Americans have such joy now.

I wish there would be a little more reflection of the fact that killing him should be a sad thing or at the very least a non joyous thing.  That it had to come to this.  And maybe, just maybe if they can't muster up sympathy for the death of a human being (no matter how evil) then maybe they could wonder about the martyr they have made out him.  Do you really think this is the end?  I fear this is just the beginning.  Especially when they hear of America's collective joy.