more dreams

I wonder if this has anything to do with the medications I'm taking (via my dr) or if I'm just in an active period. 

Yesterday I had some doozies, but I forgot all but one part of it before I could write them down.  There was one part though where I bought a multi stone ring.  All the stones were the same and were tension set in the band.  Before I knew it though, one of the stone fell out.  Why the others didn't, I don't know, but they were loose in the setting.  I couldn't help but think it was my brains way of trying to prepare for the death of one of my cats.

This morning there were two distinct dreams.  I was once again in the house I grew up in and in the living room.  I was dealing with a glucometer trying to figure out how to get it to work better.  I figured it out (but sadly don't remember what the procedure is now) and it involved a small cap at some point.

My father came in, and asked me what I was doing.  I explained, and he said he'd give it a shot.  I had him sit down and get comfy, and the first part was for him to cut off his hand (his left).  I gave him a knife, and he in turn handed me his hand.  I got the lancet device ready, and then poked his hand and got some blood.  I turned to get the glucometer and a test strip, but something was wrong.  I couldn't get all the parts back together again.  I was upset by the delay, but not so much that I had my father's hand.  I finally gathered up something to collect his blood with, and ended up handing his hand back to him.  At this point I realized that the wrist part was similar to a cheese danish. I told him to just put the ends together and they would heal right up.  I got up and went into the kitchen to try to find the part I needed.

While I was there, I noticed a container of cherry juice.  I realized that it wasn't blood I collected by the juice and at this point my father was no longer my father but some boy playing a trick on me.  I was so annoyed and frustrated that I went to my room.   What happened after that I don't know.


But then I found myself in a mall.  (new dream?) I walked around looking at the stores.  I now realize that while it was a mall, and there were stores, the stores were in the class rooms of my middle school. The school I went to 6-8th grades in was an open concept so the classrooms only had three walls.  these stores only had three walls.  Instead of large door openings like you see at most mall stores, there was no fourth wall at all.

I wandered and looked, and stopped at some odd little store. It had dogs, ribbons and "other things"  I watched as some little boy asked about the dog, and the shop keeper saying it was a special dog and there were others if he was interested.  Then a family came and looked at the ribbons.  Some of the kids wanted to buy their mom the biggest ribbon which was the brightest and also an odd shade of bright pale green. Maybe a limon color.  The other kids wanted to buy a smaller but prettier colored ribbon.  The ribbons were hung out very prodominately,  and they kept going back and forth.  Finally the limon colored one won out, and it was picked from the rack and the kids went away.

Then I realized the "other things" were zombies or vampires. Probably vampires. But they were "civil" vamps, trying to fit into society and not be blood thirsty savages.  They weren't having a great deal of success and the shop keeper was a little frazzled trying to keep them in line.  A customer came in and wanted the one that looked like Will Riker (from STNG) the shop keeper went among them to get the right one, when they finally attacked.  He went down, and the customer was still trying to get the right one.  (I have a feeling this came from my constant playing of Zombie Farm for the past few days)

another dream

This is starting to get odd.  *shrug*  oh well,

So this one started out (at least what I can first remember) as my being pregnant.  Then I had the baby.  No I didn't go into labor, I just had it.  It was a boy.  I was actually glad to raise him, thinking of how I would do it right.  I was trying to swaddle him, and finally succeeded.  I went into the next room while he slept, and promptly forgot all about him.  The next thing I remember in the dream is realizing I forgot him, and running in to check on him, and he was ok, but he was also a toddler at this point.  Just starting to walk on his own with out falling.  I watched him toddle off, and realized he was rather large for his age, and was about the size of my nephew who is almost six.

I woke up feeling surprise.  Generally baby dreams scare the living crap out of me - and almost always when I am in the dream I'm scared of being a mom, as I have vowed never to inflict myself on a child.  I do not have reasonable expectations of those around me, so I know full well I'd just disappoint a child... and not to mention you raise kids as you were raised because you fall back on what you know, and I REALLY don't want to do that to a child.

I think maybe because I have been doing a lot of thinking about why I don't like to cry in public.  I have come to believe it is because I am forcing my emotions on those around me.  It isn't like anyone can see someone crying and not do something about it.  I grew up being told not to cry, not allowed to share that emotion.  Ok, technically more then that, because I was told, if you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about!!  (rolls eyes) and I wondered what would happen to a child who was held and loved every time they cried. If they were taught it was OK to be upset and cry because it is a normal human emotion.

Even now when I cry at home, I feel the need to apologize.  My husband feels helpless when I cry.  I tried to hold it in at work when I heard my uncle died, and in the past when my cat died and I was greiving, and even now as my other cat is dying of cancer sometimes I get emotional, and I try to hold it in. 

not to mention that crying is just so gross.  You have tears to sop up, and mucus flowing out of your nose.  It isn't like laughing in that when you are done you don't need a bathroom.

and the reason Pap tests are so uncomfortable is because you are taught never to show your vagina in public, and here you are going against every single thing you were taught and displaying it in all it's glory in the most undignified way possible.

Now if I could just break those ingrained teachings of childhood  (well not that I want to go about displaying my vagina in public, but at least knowing that is most likely the root cause of my discomfort might make it easier)

dream

this one was interesting. I was watching Guiding Light.  It was different from the TV show, more of an interactive live show.  I stood from a far, and watched.  At one point Beth and some young Spanish boy moved off into a field and started to have a heated argument in Spanish..  After a few moments, I yelled out of my car window (because at this point I was in my car - which makes as much sense to you as it did to me at the time) that they should speak English, to which their reply was it was their argument they could do it how they wanted.

It was starting to rain, and I said to heck with it all. If they didn't  care to have people involved in  their craft, then I was leaving.I turned the car around and started driving away.  I realized it was getting heavier and heavier, and it was  pouring in the windows, so I decided that it would be best to abandon the car and swim up the road, which is what I did.  I avoided some people

there was a chair at some point, one of thoe fold up things.  I can't remember if I had it, or someone else did.

Then I ended up in the shallow end of a pool.  Something interesting happened here too, but I can't remember what now.

218.5

according to my exercise chart vs food intake that despite eating 45% fat, I burned 600 more calories then I took in. So that totally validates the two pound weight loss doesn't it?

Had my appointment this morning.  I have an official "your a mess" diagnosis, and supplements to taken. I have to go back tomorrow for nutritional counseling.  We'll see what happens, but at least she did say I did not have to go gluten free, which was huge.

Unfortunately it was an overly emotional day today, and while I half committed to stop eating refined carbs, my brain talked me into fully committing to eating them.  I've had cookies, and tasty cakes and rollos. I'm almost fearful to get on the scale tomorrow.

We'll see. at some point I'm going to have to buckle down, and commit.  I just know it wasn't today

221

well crap.  How did that happen.

Ok, I know full well how that happened, but it is still freaking annoying.  I'm seeing a new doctor who ran some new tests, and we decided to wait until after the holiday to get the results and make a plan.  She said her plan would most likely include gluten free, which I absolutely hate the idea of, but at this point I am willing to try anything, especially when I gained over ten pounds in two weeks.

After the appointment I didn't go crazy.  I just let myself eat what ever.  I did not over eat, and my weight was pretty steady.  Then I went on a cruise, and I didn't care what I ate.  There were desert bars with 7-9 different desserts, and I took one of what ever looked good, but I had a bite or two of each and ate half of which ever one was the best.  There was a TON of walking on the trip and I didn't exercise every day, but I did.  I made better food choices, but again did not stress over it all.

I came home from the vacation five pounds heavier.  I lost a pound or two after that.  But then the holiday, and I said frig it.  There were days I absolutely did over eat.  There were days when I was not hungry but I ate anyway.  I ate more refined carbs and sugar then I had probably the whole year.

I was 218 up until yesterday.  I got on the scale after lunch, and was 223. We went out to dinner, and I had a plain hamburger w/o a bun, half of the mash potatoes, half of a small muffin sized piece of corn bread, and a little bit of cherry cobbler.  This morning I am 221.

*sigh* I don't like that one little bit.

I do feel quite a bit of turmoil at this point, because my follow up appointment is tomorrow, so I don't feel comfortable making any plans because I have no idea what she is going to suggest I eat.  I don't feel comfortable buying stocks of pretty much anything.  I had one "expert" suggest eggs, another suggest no eggs.  I've been told contradictory messages about just about everything.

I so hope that she has a plan for me that makes sense, that I can live with, and that doesn't scare the living crap out of me.  I hope that the test results come back clear and plain that X is deficient and Y will fix that, and that in just a few weeks I'll be on the right path with clear obvious signs (aka weight loss or even more energy) that everything is working.

24 hours, I'll know.  Today I'm just scared.

interesting dream

Well this was interesting.

It started with (ok so I remember it starting with) a number of tigers, or at least very large cats that I should be fearful of.  One of my cats, (don't know which one) was bigger then it is IRL, and it was among the large cats, I went and snuggled with my cat, and was laying among the larger cats.  I was so overwhelmed and enjoyed being near them.  My cat rolled over wanting belly rubs, and so did the large cats.  I was considering doing it when the crowd started to talk about feeding the cats.  I knew it wouldn't be wise to be around during feeding time, so I got up and got out of the enclosure.  I was behind a wrought iron fence looking at the cats, and seeing people with cookie sheets with steaks on them.  The cookie sheets were through the fence, and people were pulling them out to put steaks on, then putting them back in.  I got one out ok, which was a bit odd because it went right through the fence, but I could not seem to get it back through.  A mysterious man on the wrong side of the fence came up and reached through and seemed to make the sheet slide right through the bars.  I thanked him and watched him walk into a store.  The stores were much like Newbury Street in Boston.  Shops upstairs and down stairs.  The man went into a basement type shop that was a cute little gift shop type store with flowers and french country style accessories, and seemed to leave something and walked away.  I was wondering what happened when the shop exploded in a very vivid and extreme explosion.  It was much like something you'd see on Mythbusters.  I remember seeing the wave of explosion out, and the fire ball grow.  I saw the flowers swirl in the "wind" and the smoke billow.  It was extremely vivid. Fortunately there were no people in the front of the store so I didn't see any of that, but it was extremely apparent that the store was full of people.  I decided that I could not help and I would just be in the way so I went back to the cruise ship that I was on.  As I boarded, I realized that a woman was grieving her daughter.  I offered my condolences and asked if there was anything I could do to help, she looked at me blankly, and I said "anything" she was still quite lost, so I suggested that maybe I  help her repack.  At that she looked horrified, so I amended repack to help clean things up and put things away, to which she accepted, and she hugged me and led me to her cabin.

Her cabin was HUGE, more like some odd shaped home.  We went in to an area where several kids were coloring.  They seemed to be at a kitchen table, and in the room off that people were watching TV.  We talked to the kids, and one of them told me that their sister died in that point blank way that kids have.  She walked me through the rooms. We went outside on the deck at one point, then came back in.  There was another kitchen type area because there was a fridge.  I looked in it, and it was much like a cobbled together closet that was cooled down.  On the right side there was the back side shelves that were on the outside of the "fridge"  I shut the door and looked at the shelves, and there were things in them like storage bags and plastic wrap.  I thought it was such an odd thing, and I realized I was falling behind, so I hurried to catch up.  The woman brought me to a pile of laundry and showed me how she dealt with it.  She had something like baby wipes she used for stains, and she pulled out a pair of panties that had rubber duckies on them that had menstrual blood on them. She talked about how "she" didn't like to deal with it, and how the wipes took care of it.  She thanked me and walked off, and I thought it how odd that someone would have a stranger take care of the laundry.  which is when I woke up