feeling blue

I'm bothered that I don't blog more.  I like creating a record, but frankly if it doesn't have to do with cats, I'm not all that interested in it lately.  I seem to have a one tract mind and on some levels that is fun, on others.. well it means I don't blog much any more for me.

I'm also feeling lonely lately. I'm not sure why, I have more friends now than I probably ever have had thanks to said cat focus, but still.. *sigh* it's probably just the brain chemistry making me think I suck..

weight.. well I stopped weighing myself.  I figure what was the point.  My body was going to do what it was going to do regardless of the direction I tried to steer it, so why continue to look at that number and feel miserable about myself.  now I feel miserable about myself and no number to confirm it.  I am in a size 24 pant and it kills me.  I refuse to buy more than a couple of pairs at any one time hoping against hope that my body will finally 'figure it out' and let go of some of the weight.  I normally feel half decent, and when I start actually having energy I think I can work out a little (and I seriously mean a little) and even though I make it fun and do my best to enjoy what ever I'm doing, I immediately start feeling so very very tired again and end up struggling through the day for the next few days / week.  I can not tell you how much I hate this..

Work.. I'm still at the same job since 2006 which is pretty impressive.  Mostly because my immediate boss is half decent and I'm too tired to look for another job and too scared of what I might end up with to leave.  I currently have a co-worker I'd really prefer if she found another job, as she seems to delight in making my life miserable with her passive aggressive ways.  I've tried several different ways to deal with her, and nothing seems to be working.  We recently had a huge blow out again, and the immediate boss stepped in and so far so good.. but I know it is lurking in the darkness and it will return.. *sigh*

I stepped on something yesterday morning.  I think it was an old staple, but I really have no idea.  My foot hurts, and I should probably go see someone about it, but I'm so tired of doctors and medicine, that I'm kind of hoping that it will heal on its own. Because it was rusty, my brain is all over tetanus (I've had the shot) and my leg feels weird and so does my ankle.. it hurts when I walk barefoot, but not when I'm on memory foam.. my leg didn't feel weird when I woke up, so I'm pretty sure it is psychosomatic.  but if it still hurts in a day or two I'll go get it looked at.

I can't tell you how badly I want to run away to an island somewhere.. something small.. something warm.. with swimming and sand and a hammock and a fruity drink with an umbrella.

three posts?

I just noticed that I only posted three times last year.  not quite sure what that says about me.. I used to post all the time, felt I had something to say to the world, but as I've gone on this journey with my weight and self discovery and all that jazz I feel I have less and less to say to the world in general. Maybe I have just been beaten down so much that I'm sick and tired of trying to get my voice heard in a maelstrom of voices telling me I'm wrong, I'm ugly, I'm useless and I simply do not matter.

how incredibly sad is that.

it is not a message we should be sending out to anyone, but yet 'they' send it out all the time.

of course "they' also can't seem to even get what America is all about when they sit and scream and try to defend it.  For example the coke commercial where America the Beautiful is sung is several different languages and shows people of different races and ethnic backgrounds and cultural backgrounds as well as ... what is the politically correct term for it.. if it is not a choice, then it is not a lifestyle choice.. *sigh* oh well, lets just go with what 'everyone' is calling it, a gay couple... (a couple of the same gender?)

So people are outraged, calling it terrorism.. (oh yes, because Coke is ALL about terrorism.. *headdesk*) and a whole bunch of other horrible things.

um.. people... there is a lot to be outraged about in regards to Coke, but showcasing the melting pot of humanity, the country that begs at our cultural front door:

“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.
”
― "quote on the Statue of Liberty"

this.. this is not one of them.

This is my virtual hug to Coke for those stupid idiots, that really need to be laughed at because of their stupidity and shamed into learning before they talk about things they do not understand, trying to hurt them for trying to do something beautiful.

Now if they could just make food instead of food like substances...