I am just so tired

I am so very tired. I feel like I am being beaten down at every turn and I am so sick and tired of getting back up again only to know that I am going to be beaten down again.  I want to give up.  I just want to lay here for a bit, and not move.  put a blanket over me and call me done.

maybe throw a bit of chocolate under that blanket.  maybe a kitten..

So since first found out about lipedema and I decided I wanted a doctor to tell me more about it. To that end, I have..

Called my doctor to make an appointment to talk about it (and have my annual)

• doctor knew nothing about it when I walked in the door, was a bit dismissive of me until I told her it was originally diagnosed in the 40s and is recognized by the mayo clinic.  Even the student doctor knew nothing about it.  both promised to look into it and get back to me.

Called my doctor again and asked for a referral to someone who could talk to me about lipedema

• received a phone call back asking for more information - which pissed me off

Wrote my doctor a letter BEGGING for a referral

• never heard back - months later I learned my doctor closed shop and disappeared (along with my records)

found new doctor

• doctor didn't take my insurance yet, waited three months for her to be approved by insurance
• called back doctor every month to make sure they didn't forget to call me back
• month three - doctor moved out of town *headdesk*

Found new doctor

• this time I wanted to ensure I found a dr who at least KNEW of the condition. Against my own instincts, I made ten phone calls (I HATE talking on the phone) and went backwards, from someone who I know does lipedema treatment, looking for a doctor that might have referred to her, to which she couldn't help me, but referred me to a treatment center nearer to me, blah blah blah, 10 phone calls later I have a new doctor
• doctor can't see me for two months
• nurse practitioner can see me in a month - fine.. tell NP that I want to talk about Lipedema.

Have doctor appointment

• what's lipedema?
• oh, that?.. well the doctor that knows anything about that is off this week, but we'll have a conversation and we'll get back to you

two weeks later..

Excuse me while I sit and cry in the corner for a minute.. because this entire time society is telling me hourly that my fat is my fault.. that I suck, that I eat too much, that I eat too many sweets, that I'm too lazy, that I'm to blame..  (not to mention I've put on another 10lbs)

Okay, fine.  so now I have to make another fucking phone call  Why oh why is this so fucking difficult??

when you hear stories of people taking years to get a diagnosis.. This is why.