Keto failed - move happening

So I gave keto a really good try. I lost a few pounds right away - as you do with every diet you try - but then nothing. Going keto is hard when you are already mineral depleted, which I totally believe I am, so I was taking handfuls of magnesium and potassium to get through the day. Not that I have a huge problem with that, but since I wasn't getting results and I went weeks at the same weight (just wait it out, you'll have a flush, you'll see! it's just water holding the place of fat, it will totally leave after a few more days) and I was once again dreading what to eat, I decided to give it up.  I'm beyond frustrated with my weight, my lipedema, and the lack of support I am getting in this area.

but most of that is on hold. In April/Mayish husband was given a promotion that meant more money and most likely fewer hours but it means we have to move out of state. We have been looking from than to just recently when we found a house that we both like. Actually, we found two. One was over our budget, so we put in a low offer and they said no. So we went with the other. I am now regretting that decision, but I know I'd most likely regret going with the other house too, because I'm just weird.

So now we are in the dickering stage, where we find things wrong with the house and ask them to fix it. I hate this stage. I'm also trying to pack, which is a bitch. I am not a fan of throwing perfectly good things out, but I do not want to move a whole bunch of stuff. So I'm trying to donate a lot, but I know much of it isn't really donatable.  Part of me loves throwing things out so we have more space and I've fallen in love with the idea of getting new stuff once we are there, but the idea is harsh in reality because you have to spend a lot of money to get new stuff.

The other part of me is having a really hard time getting rid of things. Part of it is my heritage I know. My grandmother was somewhat of a hoarder, according to my mother, and my mother was a throw everything out you don't need it, just get rid of it all, kind of person. She would constantly throw my stuff out because I was a teenager and kept things on the floor and she could not stand that.

But also..

I deal with depression. I always have. My brain becomes chemically unbalanced I find no joy in life and I see no point in living. I see no point in dying either, because I know full well that my death will bring pain to others far greater than I am going through, but there have been times in my past when I seriously contemplated it, and yes, I started giving away my things.... (or had them thrown out by my mother proving to me that my stuff was worthless to her, as was I) so letting things go remind me strongly of those days and it is hard to fight the idea that I'm choosing to do this for reasons that have nothing with my preparing to die. it is just a vicious spiral.

One thing keeping me here is my cat. Not my husband, not my family. My cat. I can't face the idea of what would happen to him without me. Why it is okay for me to end my life early (again, not that I'm contemplating it outright, but I know that throwing things out activates that part of my brain so I need to give it something to hold on to - which right now is the cat) but not his. Depression ethics are weird.

So I hold on to that, and the fact that once I move I know things will be so much better for me than they are right now. Well, eventually. Well, at least I hope so.