becareful what you ask for

so I got all annoyed with the half pounds, so as a present my scale rounded UP.. *grumble*

But I didn't get annoyed because I slept horribly.  Then just to mess with my head it went up another pound to 228 this morning.. *grumble grumble*  I exercised yesterday and had a very light dinner.. *grumble grumble* I feel like a three year old being punished for not playing the game right when I've never been told the rules.

I'm pissed.  I'm so tired and frustrated to be angry.  I just want to cry.

dr. appointment tomorrow.  I doubt that I'll get any answers, but maybe I'll get a new direction to try.

226.5

arrgh.

I'm miserable, tired, and can barely walk up the stairs with out getting winded.  This is getting freakingly annoying. 

So as I was making my morning smoothie, my husband asked me if I was going to have the buckwheat waffles we saw at the grocery store this past weekend.  I reminded him that I didn't buy it because I wasn't sure if I was allergic to buckwheat or not.  I got out my list at that point (because I did want to know) and I am.

at that point I looked at the ingredients of my raw protein powder and there were quite a few ingredients in it that are also on my list.  I hate wasting food, but at that point I had my husband throw it out, and I even through out the shake I had just made.  so wouldn't it be great if things cleared right up now?

My bad tooth is feeling better.  I can tell things are settled down and I'm just waiting for the pulp to stop being annoyed.   I'm glad because it too is very annoying.

225.5/226.5/227.5

Welcome to my life.

Every day at 5pm my energy goes out shopping or to Mars or something and I pretty much feel dead.  Some how I get my tushie home from work and I can barely get in the door and get my work things put down before I collapse on the bed for a little rest.  I'm very thankful my husband cooks dinner, so I can eat.  I then drag my butt out of bed and go down stairs and feed the foster kittens and take care of them.  I walk back up the stairs, now exhausted from the effort, and crash back on the bed.  I feel like I'm horribly neglecting my own cats and my husband... but he sees me trying to fix my life, so at least he understands.

Last night I thought I'd try to forgo the PM rest to see if it got me to sleep any faster, and it did by about an hour, but this morning I still barely made it out of bed, and I was still half an hour late to work.  *sigh*  and I was doing so much better on Monday, I thought I'd finally turned a corner.

I also woke up this morning to a white tongue that barely fit in my mouth.  the teeth grooves were very prominent.  not only that but those tooth issues I mentioned yesterday ballooned into full blown loose teeth.  It happens from time to time, and they settle eventually but since one of those teeth was the one that was last worked on and was a bitch to heal, i've got some tooth pain when I chew on things or clench my teeth.  (which means no chewing gum, which is killing me)

so grumpy, tired, swollen and with a bit of tooth discomfort I shuffled over to my scale.  Mostly nekkid I stepped on, and it fluctuated between 226.5 and 227.5 (oh how I hate those 0.5 lbs) before finally settling on the lower number.  Ok.. so I hate the scale.  I was curious what the other scale said, and it said 225.5.. so at least all the dried fruit I ended up eating yesterday wasn't a major issue.. (I brought too many apricots intending to keep some at work as a back up snack for those bad days, and apparently it was a bad day and I ate them all)

so now grumpy, tired, swollen and with some tooth discomfort I get to go down and deal with foster kittens that have diarrhea that isn't clearing up, who are needy and won't wean.  I forgot a syringe to medicate them, so back up the stairs, more time out of breath, back down the stairs, feed feed feed, medicate medicate medicate medicate, back up the stairs, crap it is the time I'm supposed to be AT work, and I still haven't had breakfast nor packed up lunch.. *sigh*  Fortunately I've precooked lunch and just need to put it in a bowl, but crap all the storage containers large enough for lunch are dirty.  Well there is two servings of rice in the larger rice bowl, so I took one out and stuck it in a small bowl and took my lunch in the bowl that the rice was stored in.. problem solved, I feel all smart and clever.. yea! cause frankly that is a first for a while. pack everything up (yogurt and berries for breakfast and the rest of the berries for a snack) and head off to work.. get there, put my lunch back on the shelf  where I always put it and 10 minutes later it falls off and my container of yogurt opens and half of it spills on the floor.  guess that is one way to lose weight hun?

*sigh*

I still feel like I'm going through some major "die off" while my body adjusts to life with out "allergens" I'm on day 10, when on earth is this going to end and I'm going to start feeling human again??

226.5 vs 224.5

what is it with these half pounds anyway??

so I'm grudgingly starting to admit that maybe just maybe there is something to this food "allergy" thing.  I don't get it, I don't like it (GIVE ME A GRILLED CHEESE DARN IT!!) but it is hard to complain when the scale is finally starting to go in the right direction.

Not sure why the old scale is so much lower then the new one.  It fluctuates so frequently, sometimes it is higher sometimes lower, sometimes right on... which is of course the reason I got the new scale.  But I weighed this morning, did some oil pulling because my teeth have been hurting a bit, and then went pee, and I thought hey, maybe I will have lost more weight, but nope, still 226.5 so I jumped on the old one.  Since that one was reading 225, the 224 was nice to see.

I still FEEL like I'm gaining.  I feel so bloated and itchy and crappy.  But hey, I've said it before that I often feel fat when I'm losing weight, so I'm just going to go with it.

I'm also having a hard time emotionally.  I feel like this is a ... parden the expression.. a bread and water diet, and I'm never going to be happy on it.  Right now I am being really restrictive and not allowing ANYTHING on the list (that I can help) I'm assuming that once I talk to the dr about it, I'll be able to start adding in a few things on the first tier of things to avoid and seeing how it effects my weight loss health.  (which of course will most likely show up as weight gain since except for the weight gain and fatigue, I didn't feel like I was having an allergic reaction)

Right now I'm reminding myself of that tooth paste commercial series, where one spouse says to the other, try this your breath will feel fresh through out what ever we are going to do, and the other says something along the lines of yea right.  But they cut to the end, and low and behold the breath is still fresh, and the one with the newly fresh breath extension says "I want to be mad, but it is hard when you look so cute" or something along those lines (I Tivo mostly, so I don't spend a lot of time watching commercials)  It is hard to remember to be mad at this diet when I'm seeing the scale actually going in the right direction.  (that and I'm eating full fat cultured milk products which are actually quite delicious.. )

organic

Ok, I also wanted to admit that I'm starting to see a distinct difference between organic and conventional products.  The beef broth I make with conventional bones does not gel at all, but those I make with organic ones (well I get them from Whole Foods, I'm assuming they are organic) gels up nicely.

So the only other change I've made to my diet other then removing the "allergens" is to try to go as organic as possible.  But I'm not watching my calories at all.

226.5

I was at 229 all weekend.  Very hard to not let it bug me since I was feeling absolutely MISERABLE all weekend.  Feverish, tired, worn out just walking up the stairs... I felt pretty pathetic.  Fortunately DH was on board with the shit I have to go through right now cause all I wanted was a grilled cheese sandwich, and he made me a grass fed burger (sans bun) with pepper and chopped broccoli.

I'm not completely convinced that the number I got today is legit.  I guess we'll find that out over the next few days.

on a bright note, I actually made it into work before 9AM.. (usually Im here by 9:30, and I should be here by 9)

also found out that Ann Curry is taking on the anchor of the Today show. *shudder*  I've said it before, she does great scripted, but she is NOT a live interview person in the least.  Guess I'm switching to GMA.  According to Twitter, I'm not the only one.  I hate to see what they are going to do when they realize that a lot of people can't stand her live interview skills and switch.    She's put in her time, and I am sure she really really wants it.. and she is great when it is pretaped.. But this so is NOT the job for her.

229.5

no change.  Not surprised.

I did have an excess of gas yesterday which I thought rather interesting.  I also had a hard time going to sleep, I felt wired like I usually do when I have too much protein and not enough carbs.  I usually have a piece of bread and I settle and go right to sleep.  but since bread is out, I just 'toughed it out' and eventually after some tossing I got to sleep.

This morning I could feel my colon being a little gassy, not sure what is going on.  So I took my probiotic and later ate my typical morning smoothie and had some oatmeal with coconut manna and cinnamon (it was quite yummy)

I have a massage this afternoon.  Hopefully with some feel good hormones running through me I'll be able to get right to sleep tonight and tomorrow the scale will give me a nice gift..

229.5

well that number was both surprisingly good and annoyingly frustrated, since that is the number I've been for weeks (since the last hurrah weekend before starting the food allergy diet)

So I went and stepped on the old scale.  That one used to say either 229.5 or 227.5 which is so bizarre.  But this time it read 226.5.  So maybe things are working ?? (as much as I want them to, a little part of me is screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOO.. cause it does not want to think about life with out bread and cheese)

I did screw up yesterday.  I found a package of health high fiber cheese puffs (no, really!) and I thought they would make a good afternoon snack, and they did.. but I forgot that the cheese part of cheese puffs involved cheese, one of the no no foods..   I was 3/4ths of the way through the package, so I just finished them.  *shrug*  no one is perfect right?

I also find myself in a bit of a quandary.  A friend of mine has a 10 yr old daughter who he wants to lose a little weight.  I found out about this because he talked to her about it while at my house.  It was not demeaning at all, probably just a little bit of reinforcement of the idea.  I don't think he's being unreasonable, she has a reward coming if she can lose x amount of weight.. I can't remember if it was 5 or 10 lbs and she has months to accomplish it.  But as someone who was 'talked to" about weight at nine, and was put on a diet, and was told "you can't possibly be hungry" and the memories I have of that time, I feel compelled to say something.  I haven't yet... mostly because I'm not sure how to go about it with out getting excessively personal.  While they were visiting she got on my mini trampoline and really enjoyed jumping on it, so I gave her a spare that a friend had given me because she bought it to use and then felt guilty because she wasn't.  I know how many calories you can burn on that thing vs other forms of exercise and since she loved it so much I couldn't help it.  He's out of state for several months now, so I won't see either one of them for a while, and I'm not quite sure that I should say something. 

I'm rambling.  it is sad that weight is such a hard topic to talk about with other people, ranks right up there with money and politics doesn't it?

detoxing?

I'm miserable.  I'm tired, cranky, and feel horribly bloated.  I also slept miserably last night and actually gained weight overnight.. fun fun

I was 232 when I went to bed (I know I shouldn't have jumped on the scale, but I was curious) and 232.5 when I woke up.  Now granted, I got maybe five hours of sleep, which explains a lot.  I tend to gain when I sleep miserably.  I also weighed after 40 minutes in a hot sauna, so there might have been a bit of dehydration in that.

I have no idea why I am at work today.  Guess I figured I'd be miserable here and get paid, instead of miserable at home and not (well I'd have to use a sick day)

I'm going to assume this is working if I get under 227, hopefully pretty quickly - hopefully by next week.

I think the part of this I hate the most is the no vanilla.  I went through all of my chocolate bars this morning, they all had vanilla in them :(  I know the amount is minimal and it probably won't matter, but I won't feel I'm doing this full throttle if I eat anything on the "so your allergic to it" list.  I tend to put vanilla in a lot of things.. I'm just glad it isn't cinnamon as well.

*sigh*

232 this morning, which is good.  but day one was very hard.  Day two is shaping up to be harder as breakfast didn't last nearly as long as I thought it would (based on yesterday)

that's ok, I'm not starving, I'm distracted.  I can deal.  So far other then bread (which is always hard for me to give up) I'm not craving any of the foods I shouldn't be eating.  For the most part most of those foods were easy to eat, a handful of almonds when I wanted a snack, a little cheese on my lunch or dinner for some flavor and fat.. I really hate it when my food is difficult (aka requires a lot of prep).  I am a child of packaged foods, and it frustrates me that I have to shy away from that.

I was also watching the news this morning (ok listening to it) and apparently half of my assumptions yesterday were wrong.  They went in there to kill not to capture.  according to the news people I listened to it wasn't even an option.  Just so sad.

Day one

I know it has been a while since I blogged.  My blog, my perogitive.

I've been seeing a new dr, and we have tried several new things, and no success.  My weight has just gone up and up.  I can not express to you how frustrating that is.  To do everything right and be 'rewarded" with a great big YOU SUCK on the scale.  My clothes no longer fit, and I'm fast approaching the size of clothing that I gave away a few years ago.  I'm down to three pairs of pants that are all very tight on me.  Two are shredding at the thigh, and the third is a black pair of jeans.  I don't mind wearing blue jeans over and over again, but I feel black stands out so people notice you are wearing the same thing.

I'm at the point where I want to have liposuction just to get rid of some of it, but I know that is not the answer.  I also am seriously considering HCG.  I've been doing a ton of reading on it, and I don't believe it is the solution for me long term, but if it gets me back into my clothes until I figure out what IS wrong with me, I'd be thrilled.

The last thing to have happen was to do allergy testing.  It finally came back, and I am "allergic" or sensitive to a majority of the foods I have been eating.  Casin (a protein in milk), wheat, gluten, almonds, peanuts are some of the biggies that came back as "bad" along with a few others I was surprised at and some I wasn't.  Swiss cheese came back as bad - which I am not shocked over in the least - but so did cheddar.  But yogurt was ok?? Whey proteins are fine, which is good because I eat a lot of those.

So, I've decided to give this 30 days.  having a 'time limit' on eliminating some of my favorite foods from my life is going to make this easier.  if I lose weight and my tongue stops being swollen, then I've got my answer don't I?  I really want this to work, (see above frustrations) but some part of me really does not want it to... cause if I have to eliminate bread and cheese from my diet, I am going to be so incredibly sad.  I suppose I don't really need to eliminate it all together, just when I want to lose weight and feel good hun?

up until this weekend I was 229.5  Since my elimination diet is going to have an affect on my husband, I let him pick the last two meals we would have with out restriction.  This morning 235 (or 234 depending since the scale wouldn't settle on one number)

I did get outside and garden this weekend.  Ok so I got outside and removed the weeds from my garden.  I can't express to you how much I hate to garden. I hate vine-ing weeds.  I hate slugs, I hate Japanese beetles, I hate spiders, and I HATE grubs that turn into Japanese beetles. I hate being out in the sun, I hate being bitten by biting ants when I disturb their nest, I hate sore muscles from kneeling, I hate sore muscles in my hands from pulling weeds that are so sore that I think my hands have gone numb.  I hate flying insects that buzz around my head as I'm trying to get things accomplished.  I HATE clover that is such a pain to pull out.  I hate trying to find new places for plants, and that when I dig a hole that it doesn't seem right.  I hate that I go through all of this work and the plants often don't grow at all, or die rather quickly once i get them into the ground.  I also really do not like using the word hate..

but I really love peonies.  and I love that they bloom at my house in time for my birthday - a week later then everyone else.  I'm also hoping to love asparagus.. that would be really nice.  I have some pumpkin seeds sprouting at work, and I'm going to put those in my garden in a couple of weeks.  I'm hoping to love pumpkins this fall.

the hate really outweighs the love.. tell me again why I do this?

So sad...

I woke up to the news that Osama Bin Ladin had been killed.  Not what I was sad about.  In the next breath the news anchors were sharing the "joy of the nation" about the fact that a man was dead.

Doesn't this just feed into the reasons why this man wanted us all dead?? I mean seriously, who takes JOY at the death of another individual, and what kind of country does.

I do believe that some people do deserve to be killed.  I believe that it isn't our individual right to decide that though.  As a believer in God I think that is in His hands.  (and I'd like to believe this was)

I hope against hope that the reason this man is dead is because he chose to be.  That when they invaded, he refused to give up, and there was no choice but to kill him or be killed.  I would like to think the men who invaded that compound did not go there with the express intention of killing him.  I would like to think that the alive part of "wanted dead or alive" was most important.  I'd like to think that our values dictate that and that they do not let the hatred over what he has done win.  Too many people let the hatred win... which is why OBL was such an angry guy and probably why Americans have such joy now.

I wish there would be a little more reflection of the fact that killing him should be a sad thing or at the very least a non joyous thing.  That it had to come to this.  And maybe, just maybe if they can't muster up sympathy for the death of a human being (no matter how evil) then maybe they could wonder about the martyr they have made out him.  Do you really think this is the end?  I fear this is just the beginning.  Especially when they hear of America's collective joy.

more dreams

I wonder if this has anything to do with the medications I'm taking (via my dr) or if I'm just in an active period. 

Yesterday I had some doozies, but I forgot all but one part of it before I could write them down.  There was one part though where I bought a multi stone ring.  All the stones were the same and were tension set in the band.  Before I knew it though, one of the stone fell out.  Why the others didn't, I don't know, but they were loose in the setting.  I couldn't help but think it was my brains way of trying to prepare for the death of one of my cats.

This morning there were two distinct dreams.  I was once again in the house I grew up in and in the living room.  I was dealing with a glucometer trying to figure out how to get it to work better.  I figured it out (but sadly don't remember what the procedure is now) and it involved a small cap at some point.

My father came in, and asked me what I was doing.  I explained, and he said he'd give it a shot.  I had him sit down and get comfy, and the first part was for him to cut off his hand (his left).  I gave him a knife, and he in turn handed me his hand.  I got the lancet device ready, and then poked his hand and got some blood.  I turned to get the glucometer and a test strip, but something was wrong.  I couldn't get all the parts back together again.  I was upset by the delay, but not so much that I had my father's hand.  I finally gathered up something to collect his blood with, and ended up handing his hand back to him.  At this point I realized that the wrist part was similar to a cheese danish. I told him to just put the ends together and they would heal right up.  I got up and went into the kitchen to try to find the part I needed.

While I was there, I noticed a container of cherry juice.  I realized that it wasn't blood I collected by the juice and at this point my father was no longer my father but some boy playing a trick on me.  I was so annoyed and frustrated that I went to my room.   What happened after that I don't know.


But then I found myself in a mall.  (new dream?) I walked around looking at the stores.  I now realize that while it was a mall, and there were stores, the stores were in the class rooms of my middle school. The school I went to 6-8th grades in was an open concept so the classrooms only had three walls.  these stores only had three walls.  Instead of large door openings like you see at most mall stores, there was no fourth wall at all.

I wandered and looked, and stopped at some odd little store. It had dogs, ribbons and "other things"  I watched as some little boy asked about the dog, and the shop keeper saying it was a special dog and there were others if he was interested.  Then a family came and looked at the ribbons.  Some of the kids wanted to buy their mom the biggest ribbon which was the brightest and also an odd shade of bright pale green. Maybe a limon color.  The other kids wanted to buy a smaller but prettier colored ribbon.  The ribbons were hung out very prodominately,  and they kept going back and forth.  Finally the limon colored one won out, and it was picked from the rack and the kids went away.

Then I realized the "other things" were zombies or vampires. Probably vampires. But they were "civil" vamps, trying to fit into society and not be blood thirsty savages.  They weren't having a great deal of success and the shop keeper was a little frazzled trying to keep them in line.  A customer came in and wanted the one that looked like Will Riker (from STNG) the shop keeper went among them to get the right one, when they finally attacked.  He went down, and the customer was still trying to get the right one.  (I have a feeling this came from my constant playing of Zombie Farm for the past few days)

another dream

This is starting to get odd.  *shrug*  oh well,

So this one started out (at least what I can first remember) as my being pregnant.  Then I had the baby.  No I didn't go into labor, I just had it.  It was a boy.  I was actually glad to raise him, thinking of how I would do it right.  I was trying to swaddle him, and finally succeeded.  I went into the next room while he slept, and promptly forgot all about him.  The next thing I remember in the dream is realizing I forgot him, and running in to check on him, and he was ok, but he was also a toddler at this point.  Just starting to walk on his own with out falling.  I watched him toddle off, and realized he was rather large for his age, and was about the size of my nephew who is almost six.

I woke up feeling surprise.  Generally baby dreams scare the living crap out of me - and almost always when I am in the dream I'm scared of being a mom, as I have vowed never to inflict myself on a child.  I do not have reasonable expectations of those around me, so I know full well I'd just disappoint a child... and not to mention you raise kids as you were raised because you fall back on what you know, and I REALLY don't want to do that to a child.

I think maybe because I have been doing a lot of thinking about why I don't like to cry in public.  I have come to believe it is because I am forcing my emotions on those around me.  It isn't like anyone can see someone crying and not do something about it.  I grew up being told not to cry, not allowed to share that emotion.  Ok, technically more then that, because I was told, if you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about!!  (rolls eyes) and I wondered what would happen to a child who was held and loved every time they cried. If they were taught it was OK to be upset and cry because it is a normal human emotion.

Even now when I cry at home, I feel the need to apologize.  My husband feels helpless when I cry.  I tried to hold it in at work when I heard my uncle died, and in the past when my cat died and I was greiving, and even now as my other cat is dying of cancer sometimes I get emotional, and I try to hold it in. 

not to mention that crying is just so gross.  You have tears to sop up, and mucus flowing out of your nose.  It isn't like laughing in that when you are done you don't need a bathroom.

and the reason Pap tests are so uncomfortable is because you are taught never to show your vagina in public, and here you are going against every single thing you were taught and displaying it in all it's glory in the most undignified way possible.

Now if I could just break those ingrained teachings of childhood  (well not that I want to go about displaying my vagina in public, but at least knowing that is most likely the root cause of my discomfort might make it easier)

dream

this one was interesting. I was watching Guiding Light.  It was different from the TV show, more of an interactive live show.  I stood from a far, and watched.  At one point Beth and some young Spanish boy moved off into a field and started to have a heated argument in Spanish..  After a few moments, I yelled out of my car window (because at this point I was in my car - which makes as much sense to you as it did to me at the time) that they should speak English, to which their reply was it was their argument they could do it how they wanted.

It was starting to rain, and I said to heck with it all. If they didn't  care to have people involved in  their craft, then I was leaving.I turned the car around and started driving away.  I realized it was getting heavier and heavier, and it was  pouring in the windows, so I decided that it would be best to abandon the car and swim up the road, which is what I did.  I avoided some people

there was a chair at some point, one of thoe fold up things.  I can't remember if I had it, or someone else did.

Then I ended up in the shallow end of a pool.  Something interesting happened here too, but I can't remember what now.

218.5

according to my exercise chart vs food intake that despite eating 45% fat, I burned 600 more calories then I took in. So that totally validates the two pound weight loss doesn't it?

Had my appointment this morning.  I have an official "your a mess" diagnosis, and supplements to taken. I have to go back tomorrow for nutritional counseling.  We'll see what happens, but at least she did say I did not have to go gluten free, which was huge.

Unfortunately it was an overly emotional day today, and while I half committed to stop eating refined carbs, my brain talked me into fully committing to eating them.  I've had cookies, and tasty cakes and rollos. I'm almost fearful to get on the scale tomorrow.

We'll see. at some point I'm going to have to buckle down, and commit.  I just know it wasn't today

221

well crap.  How did that happen.

Ok, I know full well how that happened, but it is still freaking annoying.  I'm seeing a new doctor who ran some new tests, and we decided to wait until after the holiday to get the results and make a plan.  She said her plan would most likely include gluten free, which I absolutely hate the idea of, but at this point I am willing to try anything, especially when I gained over ten pounds in two weeks.

After the appointment I didn't go crazy.  I just let myself eat what ever.  I did not over eat, and my weight was pretty steady.  Then I went on a cruise, and I didn't care what I ate.  There were desert bars with 7-9 different desserts, and I took one of what ever looked good, but I had a bite or two of each and ate half of which ever one was the best.  There was a TON of walking on the trip and I didn't exercise every day, but I did.  I made better food choices, but again did not stress over it all.

I came home from the vacation five pounds heavier.  I lost a pound or two after that.  But then the holiday, and I said frig it.  There were days I absolutely did over eat.  There were days when I was not hungry but I ate anyway.  I ate more refined carbs and sugar then I had probably the whole year.

I was 218 up until yesterday.  I got on the scale after lunch, and was 223. We went out to dinner, and I had a plain hamburger w/o a bun, half of the mash potatoes, half of a small muffin sized piece of corn bread, and a little bit of cherry cobbler.  This morning I am 221.

*sigh* I don't like that one little bit.

I do feel quite a bit of turmoil at this point, because my follow up appointment is tomorrow, so I don't feel comfortable making any plans because I have no idea what she is going to suggest I eat.  I don't feel comfortable buying stocks of pretty much anything.  I had one "expert" suggest eggs, another suggest no eggs.  I've been told contradictory messages about just about everything.

I so hope that she has a plan for me that makes sense, that I can live with, and that doesn't scare the living crap out of me.  I hope that the test results come back clear and plain that X is deficient and Y will fix that, and that in just a few weeks I'll be on the right path with clear obvious signs (aka weight loss or even more energy) that everything is working.

24 hours, I'll know.  Today I'm just scared.

interesting dream

Well this was interesting.

It started with (ok so I remember it starting with) a number of tigers, or at least very large cats that I should be fearful of.  One of my cats, (don't know which one) was bigger then it is IRL, and it was among the large cats, I went and snuggled with my cat, and was laying among the larger cats.  I was so overwhelmed and enjoyed being near them.  My cat rolled over wanting belly rubs, and so did the large cats.  I was considering doing it when the crowd started to talk about feeding the cats.  I knew it wouldn't be wise to be around during feeding time, so I got up and got out of the enclosure.  I was behind a wrought iron fence looking at the cats, and seeing people with cookie sheets with steaks on them.  The cookie sheets were through the fence, and people were pulling them out to put steaks on, then putting them back in.  I got one out ok, which was a bit odd because it went right through the fence, but I could not seem to get it back through.  A mysterious man on the wrong side of the fence came up and reached through and seemed to make the sheet slide right through the bars.  I thanked him and watched him walk into a store.  The stores were much like Newbury Street in Boston.  Shops upstairs and down stairs.  The man went into a basement type shop that was a cute little gift shop type store with flowers and french country style accessories, and seemed to leave something and walked away.  I was wondering what happened when the shop exploded in a very vivid and extreme explosion.  It was much like something you'd see on Mythbusters.  I remember seeing the wave of explosion out, and the fire ball grow.  I saw the flowers swirl in the "wind" and the smoke billow.  It was extremely vivid. Fortunately there were no people in the front of the store so I didn't see any of that, but it was extremely apparent that the store was full of people.  I decided that I could not help and I would just be in the way so I went back to the cruise ship that I was on.  As I boarded, I realized that a woman was grieving her daughter.  I offered my condolences and asked if there was anything I could do to help, she looked at me blankly, and I said "anything" she was still quite lost, so I suggested that maybe I  help her repack.  At that she looked horrified, so I amended repack to help clean things up and put things away, to which she accepted, and she hugged me and led me to her cabin.

Her cabin was HUGE, more like some odd shaped home.  We went in to an area where several kids were coloring.  They seemed to be at a kitchen table, and in the room off that people were watching TV.  We talked to the kids, and one of them told me that their sister died in that point blank way that kids have.  She walked me through the rooms. We went outside on the deck at one point, then came back in.  There was another kitchen type area because there was a fridge.  I looked in it, and it was much like a cobbled together closet that was cooled down.  On the right side there was the back side shelves that were on the outside of the "fridge"  I shut the door and looked at the shelves, and there were things in them like storage bags and plastic wrap.  I thought it was such an odd thing, and I realized I was falling behind, so I hurried to catch up.  The woman brought me to a pile of laundry and showed me how she dealt with it.  She had something like baby wipes she used for stains, and she pulled out a pair of panties that had rubber duckies on them that had menstrual blood on them. She talked about how "she" didn't like to deal with it, and how the wipes took care of it.  She thanked me and walked off, and I thought it how odd that someone would have a stranger take care of the laundry.  which is when I woke up